All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S16E05.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

(Don Pardo speaking)
And now the president of the
United States, George Bush.

Hi, it’s me again.

You know, this past Tuesday,
nearly one

and every four Americans,

participated in a
glorious celebration of freedom

over there, casting ballots
for their favorite candidates,

be they Democrat or
Republican, Socialist or Nazi.

(Laughter)

And on Tuesday, the
Papal sent a message

to those of us who serve.

The message was a little
scary, a little frightening.

My approval ratings
are down a little bit.

They’re going down there.

They were up here,
now, they’re here.

Not as bad as Carter, down here.

(Laughter and applause)

But down,
that downward trend,

don’t like the direction
they’re taking.

This is good here, that’s good.

That’s bad.

Worst.

(Laughter)

Now, the pundits say
I’m vulnerable in ’92.

They’re talking about New York’s
Governor Cuomo over there.

A friend of mine, know him
by his first name, Mario.

(Laughter)

Not a familiar name to
many Americans, Mario.

You know, you don’t see a lot
of Mario’s in Tennessee

or down that Missouri area.

(Laughter)

Mario. We
debate in ’92.

I can see me, using
that name a lot.

Mario, I just have to disagree
with you on that one, Mario.

Mario and I are good
friends, but I just think,

you’re wrong
on this one---

Mario.

(Laughter and applause)

And Cuomo, ends
in vowel there,

not too many presidents
have ended in a vowel.

Kennedy, that’s a "Y"
and Y’s dong count.

McKinley, Y, Pierce, silent E.

(Laughter)

Then of course there is Mr.
Saddam Hussein, a bully.

A big bully out there and like
a bully, you got to scare him.

You got to talk tough
now Mr. Hussein.

Watch me talk tough.

Amassed against you are twenty
seven armored divisions,

eight tactical fighter wings
with 12 thousand beautiful

sidewinder missiles,
impossible to trace.

They’re here, then
they’re here.

(Laughter and applause)

Scary.

Scary.

(Laughter)

And don’t think we’ll attack you
in broad daylight, Mr. Hussein,

because our technological
superiority will allow us

to take the battle to you
in dark of the night,

darkness everywhere.

These are infrared
night vision goggles.

What I’m about to demonstrate
is a little frightening,

you may want to get the
kids away from the TV there.

Take the glasses off.

Okay, turn out the lights.

(Laughter and applause)

There. There you go,
Mr. Hussein.

Imagine 400,000 of these
babies coming at you.

(Laughter and applause)

Kind of like Cujo.

(Whispers)
It’s scary. It’s scary.

Scary.

Whoa!

(Screams)
Huh-huh-huh.

Dan, don’t ever sneak up
on me like that again.

(Cheers and applause)

And Dan, you know, these are
not-these are not toy things.

These are not things
to be played with,

to spook your
golfing buddies here.

They’re not a little toy.

Sorry, I got a
little carried away.

Are you sorry?

Are you gonna do it again?

Not gonna do it?

Not gonna do it.

Are you feeling better?
Feel better.

All right, now, come
on up here then.

(Laughter and applause)

Been a good boy.

Good boy, you get to
go ahead and say it.

Go ahead.

Live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night.

(Music)
(Cheers and applause)

It’s Saturday Night Live,

With
Dana Carvey

Phil Hartman

Jan Hooks

Victoria Jackson

Dennis Miller

Mike Meyers

and Kevin Nealon

with
Chris Farley

Chris Rock

Julia Sweeney

and featuring
Rob Schneider

David Spade

G.E. Smith

and the Saturday Night
Live band

Musical guest
World Party

And starring Jimmy
Smits

(Music)

Ladies and gentlemen,
Jimmy Smits.

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you, Thanks
very much, G.E.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks.

It’s really-I’m really jazz
about being your host

this Saturday Night Live.

I’m especially happy to be here
because after leaving

on the west coast for five
years now, doing LA Law.

I---

(Cheers and applause)

Jackson, Jackson! It’s
really nice to come back

and work in my home
town, New York City.

(Wild cheers)

(Cheers and applause)

But you know there’s
another reason

that I wanted to host the show

and as American
of Latino descent,

I think it’s really important to
remind people that there are

a lot of us around, you
know, in fact nearly,

20% of the people that are
watching this show tonight,

speaks Spanish as
their native language.

So that’s why---

(Cheers and applause)

That’s why it’s a condition
of me doing the show,

I insisted on a simultaneous
Spanish translation

of my monologue.

So are you ready, Don Pardo?

(Don Pardo speaking Spanish)
Con mucho gusto, Jimmy.

(Laughter)

Okay.

So I got...this happening
this morning

I went to the library, right?

(Don Pardo speaking)
Esta manana fue a la
biblioteca.

Yeah.

So at the library
there are many books.

En la biblioteca
hay muchos libros.

(Laughter)

It was all very
interesting.

E interesante.

Yeah.

The librarians
name is Mr. Lopez.

El doctor de la biblioteca
es senor Lopez.

Mr. Lopez is very nice.

Hey, Jimmy.

Once again, Mr.
Lopez is very nice.

Jimmy.

Yeah.

You’re telling in telling
us to wrap this up,

it’s starting to wear thin.

In espanol por favor.

No es interesante.

Oh.

Oh.

Okay.

Well, anyway we got a
great show for you tonight.

Tenemos un gran
espectaculo esta noche.

We got World Party.

(Loud cheers and applause)

El mundo fiesta.

You guys,
stick around

we’re gonna be right back.

(Loud cheers and applause)

(Man speaking)
You look good now, but
you could look better.

(Music)

You’ve tried all the hair
replacement products

but nothing seems to work.

Well, now, there is a solution.

It’s Chia Head.

(Laughter and applause)

Scientist and gardeners at
the Chia Institute in Chia,

Wisconsin has finally found
the answer to male baldness.

It’s quick and easy to use.

Just apply the scientifically
formulated Chia mud

to your scalp.

Then add the Chia seeds.

Sprinkle with water and
get a good night sleep.

(Laughter)

You’ll see results immediately
and with your full head

of Chia hair, you’ll attack the
day with new confidence.

Here’s what our
clients are saying.

Let’s be frank, it’s an
unfair world

and personal appearance
does matter.

Going bald at 16 was
tough on me, but now,

I feel like one
of the guys again.

A lot of products make a lot
of promises but I can tell you,

Chia Headactually works.

(Music)

So, if you have male pattern
baldness, get the edge.

(Together)
The Chia edge.

Do not expose Chia wigs
to direct sunlight.

Excessive moisture may
hasten decomposition.

Not to be used in salads.

(Cheers and applause)

(Woman speaking)
The fighting for now is over,

that is small consolation.

This is Robin Fletcher for
NBC News,

reporting from Managua,
Nicaragua.

What do you think?

Well, it’s a nice report, but

is this the week to
cover Nicaragua?

Well, I think Nicaraguais
important and not just
Nicaragua

but also, Hondurasand
especially, El Salvador.

But wasn’t the big story the
defeat of Ortega

and the fall of the
Sandanistas?

(Laughter)

Excuse me, everybody.

I’d like you to meet our
new economics correspondent,

Antonio Mendoza.

(Laughter)

Well, Antonio Mendoza.

Well, it’s nice to
meet you, Antonio.

(Laughter)

I’m sorry, is it,
Mendozaor Mendotha?

Mendoza, just Mendoza.

Oh.

All right, okay.

Well, Antonio---

(Laughter)

Cathy, here was
just talking about

our coverage of Nicaragua.

(Laughter)

Yeah, well, I think that the
economic development in that

region is gonna be
a real big story.

Yes.

Especially, now, that they have
to worry about the Contras.

(Laughter)

Yeah.

Food delivery.

Oh, great. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, right here.

Okay.

Antonio, please feel free.

We always ordered
too much food.

No, thank you.

Thanks very much.

Okay.

Okay, all right.

Who had the enchiladas?

Oh, that’s me.

Okay.

We also have a combination bean
burritoand chili con carne.

Well, I had a burritoand
huevos rancheros

Oh, there’s no huevos,

they must have screwed up.

Antonio, you’re welcome to
have my chili con carne.

(Laughter)

No.No.

No, thanks, so you guys
really like Latino food, huh?

Well, you know, I grew
up in Los Angeles.

(Laughter and applause)

Yeah, that explains this.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Hey, how are you?
(Cheers and applause)

Good to see you.

I heard you had
some enchiladas.

Oh, man.

We’ve got some dynamite
Jimmy Junkas, too.

Oh, great.

Great, can I dig in?

Sure.

Bob, this is our economics

Oh, hi.

Antonio Mendoza.

Well, nice to meet you.

Antonio---

Bob Costas.

(Laughter)

Nice to see you.

So Bobby, have you got any
hot picks for us this weekend?

Well, I like the Broncos.

(Laughter)

The Broncos, you’re nuts.

No way, the Broncosbeat
San Diegoin San Diego.

You’re out of your mind.

Oh, fine and this is the
guy who picked Tampa Bay

by six over San Francisco.

Okay.

Okay.

Dan, I’m sorry.

I couldn’t find the file on
Costa Ricaand also the garage

called and they said someone
left their lights on,

a blue Camarro.

Oh, oh, geez. That’s me.

Save me some
huevos rancheros.

Caramba.

You know, I’m sorry.

I’ve just been noticing
that you guys really

are up on your Spanish
pronunciation.

(Everybody)
Oh, thank you.

But, if you don’t mind, if
you don’t mind me saying so,

sometimes this Spanish words
when you take them and you

sort of kind of over
pronounce them

and it, it’s kind
of annoying.

Really?

Really?
Yeah.

Well, give us an example.

Okay, what do you call the kind
of storm you get with high winds

and a big funnel cloud?

A tornado, why?

(Laughter)

Never mind.

Never mind.

You know, on second thought I
think I will have an enchilada.

A what?

An enchilada, I’ll
have an enchilada.

I’m sorry.

(Hits the table and yells)
An enchilada.

Oh, okay.

(Laughter and applause)

(Yelling)
Antonio Mendoza would like

an enchilada.

It would be very muy bueno,

Yeah, I would make him
feel really good

to have an enchilada.

Hey, this guy is all right.

(Cheers and applause)

(Man speaking)
It’s BBC1 and its five o’clock.

(Flat tone)

I hope you enjoyed all five
hours of the old England

sheep dog trials from
and before that,

I hope you enjoyed, hovercraft
UK, and now boys and girls,

it’s time to visit our
little friend, Simon.

(Musicbox playing)

* Well, you know my name
is Simon *

* and I like to do drawings. *

* I like to draw all
day long, *

* so, come and paint
drawings with me, *

* come and do
drawings with me. *

Hello, my name is Simon.

(Laughter)

I like to do
drawings.

I’m having my bath now.

Every day at five, a
lady comes and baths me.

Don’t look at my bum.

Don’t look at my bum.

I don’t look at your bum.

Bum looker.

(Laughter)

Chickee monkey.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah. I like to
do drawings.

My daddy works for a
big American company.

He’s ever so nice.

He travels all around the world
and he always takes me with him.

Every day he goes to work
and every day I stay

in the hotel room and
do drawings.

At night, he tucks me
in and then he says,

"Are you my little Simon?"

And I say, "I am."

And then in the
morning, he says,

"Are you still my little Simon?"

And say, "I still am."

And then he goes to work
and the cycle continues.

(Laughter)

So you see I get to
see a lot of him,

although sometimes I think he
forgets he has a little boy,

but, still he buys
me any toy I want.

Once, he bought me,
Action Man,

which is like a British
version of G.I. Joe,

except that Action Manhas
to serve in Northern Ireland.

(Laughter)

Do you want to see a
drawing of my daddy?

Do you?

Do you?

You do?

Here he is.

This is my dad, by himself,
without his son, as usual.

I can draw him in 12 strokes.

I’ve been around the world
with my daddy, Paris, Cairo,

New York, the Soviet Union.

I could take you there right now
with my drawings if you like.

Around the world in 70 strokes.

Do you want to come with me?

Do you?

(Crowd cheering)
Yeah.

Do you?

You’re ever so nice.

Brilliant.

All right, this is Paris.

All right?

City of light.

We had a great hotel room.

We had a great view.

There is the Eiffel Tower.

There is the Arc de Triomphe.

All right, then.

Oh, oh, don’t look at my bum.

(Laughter)

I caught you sneaking a peek,
Chicky monkeys, all of you.

(Laughter)

Here’s Cairo.

We had a great hotel room
because they’re always,

always giving us grapes.

I love grapes.

Grape is my favorite food.

It’s what Tarzan would eat.

There’s the pyramids
and finally---

Bum lookers!

(Laughter)

Finally, here’s New York.

I didn’t like New York.

People always washing windows
and what you could see,

all you could see was across
the street to another building.

Daddy says it’s the financial
capital of the world,

where people’s lives
are bought and sold.

Every day like there’s
so much human cattle.

But, all I could see
were other windows.

I think New York is
vastly overrated.

(Musicbox playing)

Oh, it’s time for letters.

Brilliant.

Okay, the first letter
is from John Procter,

from Betchley-Upon-Thump in
Yorkshire and he writes:

"Dear Simon, how come we
never see your mommy?"

Well, daddy says mommy
is with the angels.

I used to be able to draw
my mommy in 9 strokes,

but I can’t remember what
her face looks like anymore.

Oh, don’t be sad.

You can’t be sad.

It gives me artistic license.

I could put horns on
her, put wheels on her,

make her 20 feet
tall, who’s to know?

The next letter, is
from Robin Hughes,

from ,which I believe
is in Wales

and she writes: "Dear Simon,

why are all your drawings
from hotel rooms?"

Well, Robin, as you
could imagine

I get asked that
question quite a lot.

The reason is, I never
get out of the hotel room.

One of the ladies who baths

said a word, she
said, "Neglect."

But, I’m not sure
what that means.

Right?

It’s time to go.

I’m starting to get prune hands.

I can’t do my drawings
when I got prune hands.

Pretty soon, Lamelle,
the lady who baths me

is gonna come in and
make sure

I wash everywhere,

especially my bits and pieces.

Chicky monkey,
all right there.

Bye, everybody.

Bye.

(Cheers and applause)

* And you know my name
is Simon, *

* and I love to do drawings. *

(Cheers and applause)

(News music theme)

(Don Pardo speaking)
And now, Weekend Update

with anchor person,
Dennis Miller.

(Cheers and applause)

Good evening and
what I can tell you?

In addition to the 220,000 US
troops already in the Persian
Gulf,

President Bush has ordered
in an additional deployment

of 100,000 more troops, more
tank divisions and a doubling

of the navy’s present
fire power.

Saddam Hussein watching
every move Bush makes,

has estimated that the majority
of the US forces are now

in the Middle East, leaving
our own national borders

virtually unguarded.

This morning, Iraq secretly
pulled out of Kuwait

and are presently, occupying
Rhode Island.

(Laughter and applause)

Saddam Hussein has further
confuse the volatile oil market,

but stating that he will
make more oil available, but,

"Not the kind you want."

(Laughter)

Seems like everybody is saying,
"I just don’t do anything

anymore, that I’m
completely inactive."

Let’s see, no-no,
there’s a pause.

There’s a pause.

(Laughter and applause)

Hi, my name is Faisal---

(Laughter and applause)

and you are a truly
ugly woman.

(Laughter)

Nonetheless, may
I buy you a drink?

Secretary of Defense Dick
Cheney this week said that

neither he nor chairman of
the Joint Chiefs of Staff,

Collin Powell, nor his friend
on the left, Mr. Ducky,

could lend any
credence to rumors

of yet another troop buildup
in Saudi Arabia.

This is Washington Mayor Marion
Barry and his wife after he lost

his bid for Washington city
councilman in Tuesdays election.

Immediately, after
this photo was taken,

an unrepentant Barry jammed
the car radio antenna

in the foreground, completely
off his left nostril.

(Laughter)

Barry, then said he was leaving
politics and planned to enter

the commercial world as pilot
for Northwest Airlines.

(Laughter and applause)

Democrat Anne Richards, won
the governor seat of Texas

by defeating Republican
Clayton Williams.

The millionaire’s campaign was
stymied when it was discovered

that most of his constituency
was allergic to him.

(Laughter)

The historic chess match
continues this week between

Garry Kasparov and Anatoly
Karpov here in New York.

Kasparov took the lead yesterday
when his General grant took

Karpov’s Jeb Stuart, leaving
General Lee unprotected.

Okay, we’re getting pretty
close to the ground.

You better reach
back and pull on it.

(Laughter)

Here we see Basey, a
giant panda

at the Fuzos Zoo
in Beijing.

She shows a special
talent for weight

lighting earlier this week.

Now, I’ll tell you what the
most amazing and I should add,

most frightening thing
about this photo is,

that pandas are so rare, they
frequently have to work out

without a spotter.

(Laughter)

The ending of the New York
City’s 21st annual marathon

last Sunday was marred when
winner Douglas Wakahari

was mugged at the
finish line

by New York Mayor
David Dinkins.

(Laughter)

Yeah.

(Applause)

Dinkins defended his action by
saying, "The city needs money,

he was the winner.

I knew he had money?"

(Laughter and applause)

Over 25,000 runners entered
the marathon and right now

in Central Park the
last runner

is about to cross
the finish line.

It’s always an
inspiring moment.

We go now to Jan Hooks,
live in Central Park, Jan.

Yes, Dennis, you know we always
hear about the front runners

in sporting events, but everyone
who finishes this grueling test

of endurance, is
indeed a winner.

You know there’s one runner left
whose dedication is about to,

to take him across that
finish line and---

and I think he’s almost here.

I think he’s-yes, here he---

Whoa!

Finished the marathon.

Whoa!

(Fooling himself)

(Laughter and applause)

What’s your name?

Rick Decatur.

I did it.

26.2 miles, whoa!

(Laughter)

Rick, I can see that you’re
not handicapped at all.

No, way baby.

It’s all there.

(Laughs and burps)

Yeah, well, then why did it
take you six days

to finish the marathon?

Oh, man, six days?

I didn’t ... oh, man.

I’m sorry.

I didn’t-I didn’t know.

I’m sorry.

It was just so much fun
you know

and there are all these
people cheering and---

Right.

and you know, I just-I just
wanted to talk to them and

I don’t know, they all-they took
me to these intense

bars in Brooklyn

and I went to this
rib joint and I’m sorry.

I guess, I’m still
a little drunk.

(Laughter)

Yeah, right.

It seems that way.

Yeah.

But I did it! And that’s
all that counts man.

(Screaming)
Whoa!

I finished the marathon.

All right, but why did you even
to bother to enter the marathon?

It’s ridiculous.

What do you mean?

I did it-I did it
to prove a point.

You know, that anyone
can run in a marathon.

It doesn’t matter if
you’re out of shape

or if you don’t
have any stamina.

You can do it, whoa!

Yeah, but---

No buts, I did it
and you can too.

You just have to believe you can
do it and you-you don’t have to,

you know, you don’t
have to prepare either.

You know, don’t let anyone tell
you that you have to prepare.

That’s negative, man.

And you got to take those
negative thoughts

and just get them out of
your head, you know,

because you can finish,

just take your time, you
know, that’s the key thing,

just have fun.

No rush, baby.

Believe it.

Yes, you can.

Whoa!

Well, there’s your
last winner Dennis.

Whoa!

Gerald, where were you man?

Where was I, man?
Where was you?

I was at Nelligan’s, man.

Well, man I didn’t
even make it to Nelligan’s.

I beat you man.

I beat you.

We did it, man.

We finished.

( Yelling)
We finished!

Back-back to you, Dennis.

Thank you. Wow!

(Applause)

At least, we didn’t see his
ass this week.

(Laughter and applause)

Hey ... a Universal Studios
security guard

is suspected of setting the
massive fire this week

that swept through
the back lot of the studio

causing damages in the
neighborhood of $20 million.

Following the incident the guard
was heard saying

that "voices" told him to do it.

Universal immediately filed a
multi-million dollar damage suit

against Mel Blank Jr. Among the
structures destroyed

was one that ABC TV
official said was,

"An essential set
of the TV series Coach."

Now, ABC, I don’t want to
beat up on you guys about this,

because we’re competing
networks but nothing,

I repeat nothing about the
show, Coach, is essential.

(Laughter and applause)

Well, I hope Craig T. Nelson
is not angry at me.

You know, it’s always the
security guard, isn’t it?

You got to keep your eyes
on this periphery guys.

It’s always the guard or the
busboy or something, you know,

when I check in to a hotel now,
they always have that chart

on the back of the door, how to
safeguard yourself

in the event of a fire.

If you really want to
safeguard yourself,

call down to the front desk and
ask him if they recently fired

any illegal aliens
from the kitchen stuff.

It’s always some edgy
drifter from Tunisia,

who’s a little ticked off at
the comprehensive dental plan

and decides to torch
you to get back

at the Ramada family.

(Laughter)

God save the queen from
her own taste in fashion.

(Laughter)

On ABC tonight, it was finally
revealed after low

these many months,
who killed Laura Palmer and I,

like most of you didn’t even
dare to check in and see,

because you know, right now,
my interest

in who killed Laura Palmer
dwells right in

that real deep valley,
between the Twin Peaks.

(Laughter)

Media billionaire Ted
Turner is engaged

to marry Jane Fonda,
next year.

Cable News Network reported
last night from Atlanta.

Turner evidently, went out and
both Jane a ring this week.

He bought her a huge ruby ring

which he had
colorized to look purple.

(Laughter)

Hey look, guys,
Christie Brinkley.

(Laughter)

Vice President Dan Quayle,
toss the coin prior

to last Monday’s night
football game

in Indianapolis between
the Colts and the Giants.

No, not tonight I know what
you’re thinking

but no more Quayle jokes.

He flipped the coin really well.

He likes to play
with shinny things.

(Laughter)

Honey, the switch on the wall
doesn’t seem to do anything---

(Screams)
Oh, help!

(Soft laughter)

No, you can’t come in.

It said right on the
invitation, black tie only.

Now, get away before
we call the police.

(Cheers and applause)

This week, John F. Kennedy Jr.

after three tries
finally passed

the New York state bar exam.

Judges said-yeah,
congratulations.

(Cheers and applause)

Judges said that his knowledge
of torts and case law

was below average but
he creamed the field

in the swim suit competition.

(Cheers and applause)

Hello, counselor.

(Laughter and applause)

Prince, Graffiti Bridge,
music is the power,

love is the message, truth is
the answer, where is the film?

Guess what folks, that’s
the news and I am---

(News music theme)
(Cheers and applause)

(Man speaking)
Live from Canteen, California,

a city so bad it has a
drive by shooting lane.

It’s the dark side with Nat X.

The only show on TV
written by a brother,

produced by a brother
and starring a brother.

Now, get ready for a
man who’s so black,

he goes to funerals naked.

Step back,
because here is Nat.

(Music and applause)

Peace, brothers and sisters
and welcome to the show.

I’m your host Nat X.

In the next 15
minutes that’s right.

This is the only 15
minute show on TV, why?

Because the man would never
give a brother like me

a whole half hour.

(Laughter)

The man will give Pat Sajak,

Joan Rivers and Rick Dees

an hour but a brother
like me, no way.

I think we all know
who the man is.

I’m talking about the same
man that called all his

bad children, the children
the black sheep.

I’m talking about the same man
that made the black jelly bean

that worst tasting
candy on earth.

(Laughter)

All right, you all, it’s
about time for the top five.

Why five?

Because the man would never
give me 10 of anything,

I’m lucky to get five.

Tonight the top five reason
white people can’t dance.

(Laughter)
(Drums rolling)

Reason number five, too
busy counting their money.

(Laughter and applause)

Reason number four, too
busy counting my money.

(Laughter and applause)

Reason number three, small
thighs make it too hard to dip.

Reason number two,
they’re inferior

and the number one reason white
people cannot dance.

Well, they can, they’re just
waiting

for the waltz to come back.

(Drum hit)

(Loud cheers and applause)

And that’s the top five.

That’s all I could get
from whitey right now.

(Rock music)

Oh, no, here it comes.

It’s the white-man cam.

It’s the white-man cam.
(Music and police sirens)

Get out of here.

Get out of here.

Get out of here.

(Music)

The white-man cam.

You know, I haven’t had
that much fun

since I saw Weezie
Jefferson naked.

(Laughter)

Our first guest tonight has
been playing

Attorney Victor Sifuentes, on
NBC’s hit television show,

LA Law.Please welcome,
Jimmy Smits.

(Cheers and applause)
(Music)

Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.

How are doing man?

Could you tell the
brothers what’s going on?

Well, you know, things
couldn’t be better.

LA Lawjust won an
Emmy this year

for the best dramatic series.

(Loud cheers and applause)

Thank you.

And you know, I don’t know,
we’re just looking forward

to many, many more.

All right, I got a question.

How did they treat
you out there?

I mean, do they let
you eat with them?

Yeah.

Yeah, I eat with the whole cast.

We all eat together.

But do they speak to you
like a person, I mean,

when some things are
missing on the set,

I bet you they come
after you first.

(Laughter)

No. No. No, Nat.

No, it’s not like that.

Everyone treats me great, Susan
Dey, Corbin Bernsen, Blair,

the whole cast its great.

All right. All right.

Do they know you’re not white?

I think that’s-yeah,
they know that.

Then they blame
the black guy then?

No.

No, Nat.

(Laughter)

We’re like a family.

We all work together.

There’s a lot of love there,

everybody is cool
with each other.

Fine. Fine. Fine.

I got a question for you.

I’ve got two questions for you.

Okay.

Do you need any quarters?

No, why would I
need any quarters?

Oh, since you got
your brainwashed,

I thought you might
want to get a drier.

(Laughter)

Sand man, get him out of here.

Get this guy out of here.

Wake up boy.

Wake up.

The revolution
will not be televised.

Will not be televised.

Get him out of here.

(Music)

Okay, had to get rid of him.

Our next guest, the
professional boxer

and a regular on this show,
one of my favorites,

let’s give a welcome
to the great white hope,

Jerry Cooney.

(Music and applause)

Well, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry,
it’s a great pleasure

to see you again.

Well, thank you, Mr. X.

it’s nice to be
back on your show.

Yeah, I bet it is a great
to be back on my show.

This is the only time you can
get this close to a black man

without getting your ass kicked.

(Laughter and applause)

Sand man, give me a tone.

(Drums rolling)

32,680,560,000.

What’s that a telethon thing?

No, that’s how much money white
people lost betting on you.

I got an idea. I got an idea.

Why won’t you fight
Mike Tyson?

Yeah, okay.

Okay.

All right, you heard it here.

Cooney and Tyson, all right.

You know, all I could say
is Tyson better be ready.

He better be ready.

Oh, I can’t wait to see that.

He better be ready.

(Music)

Wow!

I guess our 15 minutes is up.

Check us out next week for
stupid white tricks, you know,

I got to disappear so the white
man to do his news cast

check us out again.

Jerry Cooney will be back.

Peace.

(Music)

(Cheers and applause)

(Soft music)

(Man speaking)
And now, Deep Thoughts

by Jack Handey.

Most people don’t realize
that large pieces of coral,

which have been painted brown
and attached to the skull

by common wood screws, can
make a child look like a deer.

(Laughter and applause)

I sent that package
up to the bank, Jimmy.

Good work, Frank.

Good work.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Mrs. Johnson.

How are you
doing, Mrs. Johnson?

Hi guys, how are you doing?

Good, beautiful day
today, huh, Mrs. Johnson?

Oh, it sure is.

Yeah, could go
any minute though.

Yeah, bring a sweater
with you just in case.

Yeah, I got one, see?

Okay, see you later guys.

Okay, see you, Mrs. Johnson.

See you.

That Mrs. Johnson,
she’s one nice lady.

Yeah, she sure is.

Yeah and pretty too.

Oh, yeah, pretty lady.

Yeah, sure is.

Jeez, I’d love to buff her.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah, it’ll never happen though.

Hey, no chance, too ugly.

Yeah, me too.

Got nothing going for me.

Yeah, me neither.
No money, not smart.

Sure is pretty, Sure.
though.

Oh, yeah, while I’m buffing
my wife, I think about her.

Oh, sure, can’t blame you.

Yeah.

I picture her when
I’m wanking it.

Oh, yeah, me too.

You still wank?

Oh, sure.

Yeah.
Pretty lady.

(Laughter)

Hey, Frankie.

Hey, Mr. Claymore,
how are you doing?

Somewhere, Mr. Claymore?

Yeah, go figure, huh?

Okay, take care, Mr. Claymore.

Okay, see you fellas.

See you, Mr. Claymore.

That Mr. Claymore,
he is one nice man.

Yeah, he sure is.

I guess the bigger they
get, the nicer they get.

Yeah and he’s a
big man all right.

That’s a rich man.

Oh, yeah, he could buy and
sell me over a hundred times.

Oh, yeah, it wouldn’t be worth
the trouble though for me.

Nah.

Nah.

I’m dirt compared to him.

Sure, I’m a piece of crap.

I’m pile of crap.

Yeah, me too.

The man’s got bigger
fish to fry than us.

Sure, better things.

Man’s got an exciting
life and I don’t.

Me neither.

Yeah, never will.

No, sir.

(Lady walking)

Hi, boys.

Hey, Mrs. Louis.

How you doing, Mrs. Louis?

Good afternoon.

Yeah, it sure is.

That Mrs. Louis.

Nice lady.

Yeah, older woman.

Yeah, more mature.

Yeah, sure is.

Still, I sure wouldn’t
mind buffing her.

(Laughter)

Yeah, me too.

I’d like to buff anybody.

Yeah and I’m sure
I’ll be wanking it.

Yeah, sure would.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Steven, where
are you headed?

What? Are you
going to the park?

Yeah. Yeah.

Beautiful day for it.

All right, take it easy boys.

Okay, you have fun now.

That Steven.

Sweet kid.

Yeah, got his whole
life ahead of him.

Yeah.

Not like me, my life is over.

Yeah, mine too.
I’m stuck in this job.

Yeah, I’m on a
treadmill to oblivion.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah, not like Steven,
he still has hope.

Yeah.

In a way I wish he were dead.

Yeah, me too.

(Laughter)

I’d feel better knowing he
wasn’t going to have

a good life either.

Yeah, I’ll be less tortured.

Yeah.

But I never could kill him.

Nah, me neither.
I wouldn’t have the guts.

Yeah, me neither.

Yeah, maybe if he
just got hit by a bus.

Yeah and just spoil his life.

Yeah, spoiled would be good.

Yeah, oh well.

Too bad, huh?
Hey, Ms. Summers.

How are you doing Ms. Summers?

Hi.
How are you doing?

Nice day, huh?
Beautiful day, huh?

Yup.

(Cheers and applause)

(Man speaking)
And now, Deep Thoughts

by Jack Handey.

(Soft music)

As we were driving,

we saw a sign
that said, "Watch for Rocks."

Marta said it should read,
"Watch for Pretty Rocks."

I told her she should write in
her suggestion

to the highway department,

but she started
saying it was a joke,

just to get
out of writing a simple letter!

And I thought I was lazy.

(Cheers and applause)

(Both singing)
*Sweet comic Valentine.*

You make me smile.

Fortunately, I don’t
remember anymore of the song.

Neither could I, but
it’s funny anyway.

Yeah, ah, well, somewhere
in this is my apartment.

Can I get you
something to drink?

Oh, yes.

Oh, Ronald, what
a great apartment.

What a fabulous apartment.

Maureen,
my name is Richard.

Oh, I’m sorry.

It’s okay. We just met a
couple of hours ago.

It’s all right.

Richard.

Yeah.

Your name is Richard?

Yeah.

Oh, my god.
I can’t believe it.

I’ve got to tell you the
funniest story, Richard,

perfect.

(Laughs)

Okay.

When I was a little girl there
was this little boy who lives

two doors away from me.

Uh-huh.

And one Christmas he
got this great bike.

It was red and he had
streamers from the handle bars.

The world’s greatest bike?

Exactly, and I really
wanted a bike like that,

so, I had this really big plan.

I was gonna get all dressed
up in my favorite dress

and I curled my hair in this
really cute wig

and I went next door and I
open the door and said,

"Hello--- "

Richard.

Oh, no, I think
his name was Kevin.

Oh, I’m sorry, I just
assumed since the story---

Kevin, can I borrow your bike?

(Laughing)

Oh, gosh.

So, what happened?

What happened when?

When you asked him
about the bike?

Oh, I think he said no, so---
(Laughs)

(Laughter)

Oh.

Good story, though.

I’m kind of hungry.

Oh, God, I’m sorry.

I should have asked you if
you want something earlier.

Oh, no, no.

God, I didn’t eat anything
today, and then I thought

I’d eat at the party, but then
I started talking to you

and stuff and then, oh,
my God.

I didn’t eat anything
yesterday, either.

I’m starving to death.
(Laughing silly)

(Laughter)

I’m really sorry.

I don’t have anything in
there except an apple.
Is that all right?

Oh, this is perfect.

Are you sure?

I mean we can order out
if you want something.

No, it’s just fine.

Okay.

Mmm, mmm! Fine,
that’s thank you.

Thank you.

But you just took a little tiny
little nibble out of there.

No, I’m full.
I’m really bloated.

(Laughter)

Oh, come on, really go.

No. No, it will
make me vomit.

(Laughs silly)

(Laughter)

Okay.

So you’re really funny
at the party tonight.

I was?

Yeah, you’re really funny
and witty and charming.

You have this snappy
come back lines.

It’s very quick.

I think that’s
really attractive.

That’s weird, because I don’t
really remember myself

being funny.

Oh, but you were.

Okay, be specific.

What was the funniest
thing that I did?

Okay, I know.

You were serving punch at
the punch filler, right?

Yeah, most of the night.

And people were walking up
to you with their empty punch

glasses saying, "Can
I have more punch?"

And then you were saying---

Here you go here’s more punch.

(Laughs loud)

Oh, that is very quick.

(Snaps fingers and laughs)

I think that’s
really attractive.

So, where are you from?

What, originally?

Uh-huh.

I’m from Northern
California, Sacramento.

Oh, see?

I knew that.
(Laughs)

Sacramento.

Oh, you’re from Sacramento.

I can’t believe it,
you’re from Sacramento.

Are you from Sacramento?

No.

(Laughter)

Oh, but I have to tell
you the funniest story.

Sacramento perfect,
you’re gonna love this.

I went to college at the
University of Washington

in Seattle, right?

Uh-huh.

And my roommate was
from Hawaii,

but her whole life
she wanted to go to California.

All right, okay.

But her big dream was for the
two of us to go to California

and every night in the dorm
we’d sing,

* "California, here we come." *

(Laughs)

Oh, gosh.

So, what happened?

Happened?

Yeah, when the two of
you went to California.

Oh, we just sort of lost
touch after she graduated.

I don’t know if she
ever went so---

(Laughs silly)

(Laughter)

Maureen, you know,
you said you went to
school in Seattle, right?

Uh-huh.

Okay, when I was a kid my
parents they took me to Seattle.

(Laughing)

No---

There’s more of the story.

Oh, sorry.

So, my parents they took
me and it was

the greatest time of my life,
because the World’s Fair

was happening and I remember
I just had an amazing time,

in fact Seattle---

Oh.

Seattle, it’s one the fondest
memories of my life

of my childhood.

Now, you see, Maureen.

The reason why I told you
that story is because it has

a beginning,
a middle and an end.

(Laughter)

I think you’re
really attractive.

Oh, thanks, I think
you’re attractive too.

I was thinking all night, what
would it be like to kiss you?

(Laughs)

(Laughter)

Oh, now you know.

And I was also thinking,
what would it be like

to make love to you?

I was wondering what
you’d like in bed?

Would you be aggressive or
playful or tender or what?

I got to go.

(Laughter and applause)

What?

I had a fabulous time.

I mean this was like the
quintessential perfect evening.

It was? I mean we---

Yeah, thanks for everything.

All right, can I have your
phone number, at least?

Okay, bye.

(Laughter and applause)

Well, I guess that
case is finished.

Or, maybe it’s
just beginning.

No, it’s finished, remember?

We’ve finished it.

In a way maybe it finished us.

Well, I just know I,
you know,

I wouldn’t want to go
through that again.

I think it might drive us crazy.

Or keep us sane.

(Lady walks)

Well, anyway, we
solved the case.

I guess that’s what
really matters.

Well, did we solve the case
or did the case solve us?

What do you mean? That
doesn’t even make sense.

Sometimes the things
that don’t make sense

make the most sense of all.

(Laughter)

Well, I wouldn’t-I
wouldn’t know about that.

I do know, that this is the
worst coffee I’ve ever had.

Maybe the best.

(Laughter)

You know, something, Frank.

Whenever anyone says anything,
you’ve got to say the opposite,

just to make
yourself look smart.

Or, maybe to look dumb.

(Laughter)

You’re doing it again.

Am I?

I’m going to have
to kill you.

Maybe by killing me,
you’d be giving me life.

Stop it.

Stop it, right now.

Maybe by stopping it now,
I’ll be continuing later.

(Gun shot)

May...uhh.

(Laughter)

Killed your partner, huh?

Yeah, but maybe in a way
my partner killed me.

(Laughter)

Oh-oh, now you’re doing it.

Maybe by doing it,
I’m not doing it.

Only, you’re not as
good at it.

(Laughter)

Hey, let’s get a bite to eat!

Or, let’s let a bite get
us something to eat.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

My thanks to World Party, G.E.

and the SNL band and all the
cast, you guys are great.

It was great being here.

God bless you, good night.

(Loud cheers and applause)