All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S16E04.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

* I promenade your sweet
little maid. *

(Country music)
(Applause)

* Take that girl
and give her a whirl. *

All right, give
yourselves a hand now.

(Cheers and applause)

(Dramatic music)

Johnny!

Johnny I thought they fired you.

Well they did Pete
but I got to ask one last favor.

Can you call this?

Ooh, I don’t know, Johnny.

It’s what the people want, Pete.

All right you got it.

(Country music)

(Country music)

* Swing your partner
in dosey dose. *

* Grab his ass then
let them go. *

(Country music)
(Applause)

* All promenade just like
I said, *

* ladies lift your dress up
over your head. *

(Country music)
(Applause)

* Kiss that girl while
the night is young. *

* Don’t be afraid to
use your tongue. *

(Country music)
(Applause)

* Ladies lift your leg up
to the sky, *

* Then rub yourself
on your partner’s thighs. *

(Country music)
(Applause)

* Don’t be shy let the
whole crowd watch *

* Stick your base
in your partner’s crotch. *

(Country music)
(Applause)

* Bend her over and
bump and grind *

* Fondle and stroke
and step behind. *

(Country music)
(Applause)

* Careful gentlemen
lady don’t bite. *

* Live from New York
it’s Saturday Night! *

(Music and applause)

(Music and cheers)

It’s Saturday Night Live!

(Music and cheers)

With
Dana Carvey

Phil Hartman

Jan Hooks

Victoria Jackson

Dennis Miller

Mike Myers

Kevin Nealon

With Chris Farley

Chris Rock

And featuring A. Whitney Brown

AL Franken

Rob Schneider

G.E. Smith and the
Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Mariah Carey

(Music and applause)

And starring Patrick Swayze

(Music and applause)

(Cheers and applause)

Hi.

I’m Sam Walton, owner of the
Wal-Mart shopping chain

and one of the richest men
in America.

As you know there’s a lot of
talk in Washington

about raising taxes on the so
called super rich.

And as you can imagine that idea
doesn’t sit too well with me.

So here’s my offer.

If you write your congressmen
and tell him you oppose

this tax plan,
I’ll pay you $100,000.

(Laughter)

That right $100,000 in cash
just for writing a letter

to your congressmen.

All you do is make a
photocopy, mail it

to my Arkansas headquarters

and you get your money
in five business days.

Now, I know some of you
are wondering,

how it could be in my
interest to pay each

of the 130 million
American voters

$100,000 a piece just to avoid
a three percent tax hike?

Well, you just let me
worry about that.

(Laughter)

Just write your letter,
sit back and I’ll do the rest.

Good night.

That’s $100,000.

God bless.

(Man speaking)
Limit of two letters
per household,

Return postage required.

(Applause)

(Don Pardo speaking)
When two of South America’s
biggest singing stars

have a feud, you’re the winner.

Now you can enjoy the rivalry
that Latin Americans

have known about for years.

Together on one album,
Jorge Montenero---

* "One ton of fan mail
That’s what I get, *

* I get one ton of
fan mail. *

(Laughter)

* One ton of fan mail,
I get one ton of fan mail." *

And his arch-rival,
Raul Valendez.

* "Two tons of fan mail,
That’s what I get, *

* I get two tons of fan mail. *

* Two tons of fan mail
I get two tons of fan mail." *

All the songs in the greatest
rivalry in the history

of South American
singing-star rivalries.

* "Four tons of fan mail
That’s right you heard me, *

I get four tons of fan mail
I have it weighed each morning

On the truck scale."

You’ll get---

* "Number-one song
for nine months *

* in Paraguay I had *

* the number-one song
for nine months *

* You turn on the radio *

* And it was
all you would ever hear." *

And---

* "He had an eye job, I tell
you, he had an eye job *

* I know a doctor, who swears
he had an eye job." *

Plus...

* "He stuffs his trousers
I’m telling you quite plainly, *

* he stuffs his trousers *

* With a plastic penis
It fell out in Lima." *

With---

* "That never happened,
I tell you man, *

* the man is a liar,
I filed a lawsuit *

For 100,000,000
pesos."

Plus...

"It fell out his pant-leg
I know for sure,

it fell out his pant-leg
We have the same drummer

He told me the story."

Send check or money order
for $12.95 to Super Feud,

Camino De Las Estrellas,
Miami, Florida

* "Last in commercial
Please note my song *

* was last in commercial,
heh heh heh! *

* That should tell you
something They put me
last in commercial." *

Order now.

(Music and applause)

(Applause)

Hi. I’m Sam Walton.

Earlier this evening I went
on National Television

and made an offer
to pat every American

who’s oppose a tax hike
on the wealthy $100,000 cash.

Well apparently my math
just isn’t what it used to be.

(Laughter)

It turns out there’s no way
on God’s green earth

that make sense to pay up
that kind of money.

So I’m gonna rescind that offer
and make you a new one.

You write your
congressman that letter,

send me a copy and I’ll
out it in a barrel.

Then on the day the tax
increase I defeated,

I’ll draw an envelope

from that barrel and the
winner will receive

a hat like the one
I’m wearing now.

(Laughter)

It’s a little bigger than this
one and the band is different

but its basically the same.

Now I know some of you
are wondering,

just how I can stand here,
look you in the eye

and rescind an offer
I made on national television.

Well you just let
me worry about that.

(Broken window)

Thank you.

(Laughter)

Well, you let me worry
about that, too.

(Cheers and applause)

Good night it’s fine ad
and God bless you.

(Don Pardo speaking)
Limited one entry per
household. Include half sign.

(Cheers and applause)

(News music theme)

(Don Pardo speaking)
And now, Weekend Update

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you. Good evening
and what can I tell you?

Today both the House
and the Senate

approved the package that will
cut the federal deficit

by 500 billion dollars.

100 billion will come
from a 5 percent

increase in gasoline taxes

and surcharge on tobacco,
alcohol and other luxury items.

The balance 400 billion
will come from the TV rights

to the Buster Douglas/
Mayor Marion Barry fight

in Las Vegas next year.

President Bush and Republican
congressional leaders

were all smiles
as the budget fight

seemed to be nearly resolved.

Bush’s joy however was tempered
somewhat by the fact

that while killing time
during the lengthy

and tedious negotiations.

he foolishly Krazy Glued
his right eye shut.

(Laughter)

Representative
Donald E Buzz Lukens

resigned from congress
this week,

in the face of charges
that he sexually propositioned

a young female elevator
operator in the capital.

Lukens’ defendant himself
claiming the operator

misunderstood him when he said
"I like to get off here."

In response,
the operator insisted

that Lukens made his request
in between floors.

"Hi there.

"My name’s George.

I’m the president."

(Laughter)

(Applause)

Thanks.

You know the U.S Embassy
in Kuwait has overcome

a water shortage
by digging a well

in the embassy’s backyard
and striking water.

When jubilant relatives
of embassy staffers

in the United States were
apprised of this they cheered,

and a kinfolk issued a carefully
worded statement

in which they said

"They ought to move away
from there.

Califonia’s the place
they ought to be."

(Laughter)

The last word we have is that
the Embassy staffers

loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly.

(Laughter)

Hills that is.

Swimming pools.

Movie stars.

The Professor and Mary Anne.

(Laughter)

(Laughter)

"Oh boy I hope they don’t
ask me to touch my nose!"

(Laughter and applause)

As if New Yorkers weren’t
aware that drugs

were overrunning their city,

,they were reminded of
that fact this week

by some of the unusual
classified ads

that are turning up
in New York Newspaper

Real Estate sections

"Your Dream Crack House
6 labs with view.

Owner must sell going away
for a long, long, long time."

And Evander Holyfield became
the new heavyweight champion

of the world Thursday night in
Las Vegas when he knocked out

defending champion
James Buster Douglas

in the third round.

Our shotgun Mike picked up
the voice of Buster

as he hit the canvas.

"I’ve fallen
and I can’t get up!"

(Cheers and applause)

You knew that one
was going to work. Huh?

And Buster unwound
from the fight

by relaxing
in the Mirage hotel pool

to recuperate from a cut
he received

around the blow hole.

(Laughter)

Holyfield asked how he keeps
in shape said that in addition

to a regular training schedule
he really enjoys

working out with horses
it is not believed

that the horses
enjoy working with him.

(Laughter)

In a follow up
to the Judas Priest trial

five jurors have committed
suicide.

(Laughter)

And---

Brett Eastenellis,
popular novelist of books

such as Less Than Zero,

recently asked Phil
Collins permission

to quote from his songs
and his upcoming work.

The new novel is based on
Orson Welles’ "Citizen Kane",

except in this updated
version instead of "Rosebud",

Kane’s last word is "Sussudio."

(Laughter)

And here now with
the Big Picture

is A. Whitney Brown.

Welcome back, Whitney.

Thank you Dennis,
pleasure to be here.

Thank you.

(Applause)

Well, my friends Election Day
is just around the corner

and I know it’s not pleasant
but, look at it this way,

everyone of those 435
congressional representatives

has his, or her
neck on the block.

So, cheer up it could be
a lot of fun.

That is if the polls
are not shut down

along with the rest
of the government.

Of course, the candidates
are not very much this year.

In fact, voting in this election
is like trying to decide

which street mine to stop
and watch.

(Laughter)

Sometimes one candidate
is such a pork-fed pea-brain

that is even an embarrassment
on Capitol Hill

and in that case
the choice is easy.

But, we can’t all live
in North Carolina.

(Laughter)

And.

Just because the senator’s a
fatheaded pretentious windbag,

that doesn’t mean
he’s not a cut

above the people he represents.

(Soft laughter)

Every fact that anyone
is willing to do,

what it takes
to get elected these days,

should be an automatic
disqualification.

Friends this time reality

has finally got
our congressmen surrounded.

Nobody likes to pay taxes,
except maybe the Swedes.

(Laughter)

But, we got to pay
this dead-off.

You know, it’s physically
sickening to think,

that for the next 30 years

all the taxes from the first
2 and a half months

of every American
worker’s paycheck

will go straight
to rich Japanese bankers,

to pay the interest
on money we borrowed,

so, Ronald Reagan could make
Walter Mondale look stupid.

(Laughter)

We’re 3 trillion in debt
plus interest,

now, for all we know
that’s more money

than there is in the world.

(Soft laughter)

On this budget we’re trying
Nickel and Dime

our way out of it.

We call ourselves
tightening our belts,

because we raise gas taxes
a nickel a gallon.

Maybe the president
uses 100 gallons of gas

to catch
one scrawny bluefish but

for the average driver

that adds up to 40 bucks a year.

C’mon now, Americans,
stop whining!

Course, they don’t dare touch
Social Security, which is nice.

Even though, I doubt
if my generation

will ever get to
touch it, either.

(Soft laughter)

I think we’re all going to be
buying our poligrip and dog food

with a shoe box
and government IOU’s,

because, that what we’ll inherit
when we turn 65.

Our children, on the other hand,

will inherit
over 3 trillion dollars in debt

and a voter turnout is no better
than it usually is.

There’s a good chance

they’ll also inherit
our congress.

Or should I say
inherit the wind.

Anyway, that’s the Big Picture.

Thank you, Whitney!

Thank you, buddy.

Thank you buddy.

(Applause)

And Humprey the lost whale
who captured America’s heart

after getting lost in
San Francisco’s bay

5 years ago, is back
and this time

he’s stuck in the mud
under the bay.

Scientist recognized Humprey
by the markings on his tail

and the fact that once again
Humprey’s fish head

was up his fish ass.

(Laughter)

I know he’s not exactly a fish
but mammal head up mammal ass

didn’t sound half as good.
(Laughs)

Batmancomics this week
unveiled a new Robin,

Timothy Drake the newest
and perhaps most intelligent boy

wonder, replacing the previous
Robin,

who was killed
by the Joker two years ago.

Looks like this Robin

spent a little too much time
sliding down the bat pole, huh?

down the bat pole huh?

And it was announced this
week, that Superman

of DC comic book fame,

will in an upcoming
issue marry Lois Lane.

The dilemma being that Lois
still has no idea

that Clark Kent
is really Superman.

I guess she just thinks

he’s really, really,
really good in bed huh?

(Laughter)

Old time latin band leader
Xavier Cougat died yesterday

in Barcelona Spain.

Cougat was 90 his band was 115.

(Laughter)

Scientists have discovered a
new device which offers help

to infertile women by opening
blocked fallopian tubes

with a balloon.

The accidental discovery
occurred during an earthquake,

at a Ringling Brothers show.

(Laughter)

As of yet there have been
no deaths attributed

to the killer bees in Texas.

However two bees were caught
this week planning a murder.

(Laughter)

And Vice president Quayle
posed for yet

another awkward
photo opportunity this week.

(Laughter and applause)

Does anybody remember

when politicians
just shook hands?

(Laughter)

I don’t know.

Let me try another one.

I don’t know, but find my car
keys and I’ll drive us out.

(Laughter)

You know---

(Laughter and applause)

I always heard he never
entered the guard. Uh--

(Everybody)
Boo!

(Laughing)

(Cheers and applause)

I’m sorry, but he makes it
so damn easy.

You know, daylight savings time
ends tonight

so we set our clocks back
and gain and hour.

To compensate
tomorrow night on CBS,

60 Minuteswill be shown twice

Guess what folks,
that’s the news.

(Cheers and applause)

First of all I’d like
to welcome every one.

The name of the class
is Mouse Trap Seminar.

So please check.

And if you’re not supposed to be
in Mouse Trap Seminar,

maybe, now would be a
good time to leave.

(Soft laughter)

Okay, okay.

Okay, before we begin,
any questions?

Yes?

If you see a mouse trap
and there’s some cheese in it,

can you just go
and take the cheese?

(Laughter)

No, you can’t.

But, we’ll get into that
later in the course.

(Laughter)

Yes?

But, what if you’re just
really hungry fro that cheese?

Hmm, it doesn’t matter.

Yes?

Uh, can you like get down
and smell the cheese?

(Laughter)

You mean, when it’s still
in the trap?

Yeah.

Hmm, again, no.

Please.

Well, what if its not cheese
in the mouse trap?

What if it’s a hotdog?

No.

What about a piece of hotdog?

(Soft laughter)

Well, it doesn’t matter
if it’s a piece

or a whole hotdog.

Once the trap is set,
you can’t just take food out.

Um, what about a rat trap?

(Soft laughter)

Okay, okay.

(Soft laughter)

What do you mean by
a rat trap?

Well, it’s like a mouse trap,
but you know it’s bigger.

Okay, okay, but still shaped
like a mouse trap

and having the same
spring release mechanism

like a mouse trap?

Yeah, I guess.

Okay, so what’s your question?

Could you take the cheese out
of the rat trap?

No, no.

(Soft laughter)

And you couldn’t take the cheese
out of a mouse trap

that was smaller
than a mouse trap.

(Laughter)

Yes.

Well, what if you just really
wanted that cheese, though?

(Soft laughter)

And you couldn’t get cheese
someplace else?

Like where?

(Soft laughter)

Oh, like at a store?

Yeah.

Uh, what if you touch the mouse
trap with something first?

Okay, that - that’s
a very good question.

Did everyone hear that?

(Everybody)
No.

Well would you repeat it?

What?

The question.

I can’t remember the question.

(Laughter)

Uh, two doors down.

(Laughter)

Okay, I think what might be
a good idea right now

would be to see the filmstrip
that I have planned.

That might clear things up.

(Music)

(Man speaking)
This is a mouse trap.

It has been cocked and baited
with a piece of cheese.

Take a good look.

Learn to recognize it.

Hold it, hold it!

Hold it.

Sir, can I ask you
what you’re doing?

Trying to get that cheese.

Okay.

No see, this -

this is not real cheese,
first of all.

This is only movie cheese.

Okay?

Okay and secondly---

(Mouse trap snap)
Ow! Ouch!

Okay, okay maybe
we better stop for tonight.

Class dismissed.

Miss, if you come up here, I’ll
- I’ll help you get that off.

But, don’t get the cheese.

See, that’s the cheese
right there.

Okay, all right, easy, easy.

Ouch, don’t -
that’s good cheese.

I know.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

* There’s a getaway spot *

* On a two - acre lot. *

* It’s the White Trash Bed And
Breakfast. *

* On the go go resort, *

* You can die in your shorts. *

* At the White Trash Bed
And Breakfast. *

* Let down your guard. *

* And run with the
dogs in the yard. *

* All the life’s simple
pleasures *

* Are waiting for you. *

* At the White Trash Bed
And Breakfast. *

(Man speaking)
This week’s episode,
Another Failure.

Oh, God, shut up!

(Yelling)
Shut up, you stupid dogs!

I’ll mean it!

I’ll come out there
and shoot you I will!

Mom!

Shut up!

Will you hunker it down

our guest is trying to
sleep in there.

Marky Bob.

Marky Bob.

You get out here your
dogs need feeding.

I know.

Don’t feed them near the door.

I know.

Bring this bowl back
when you’re done.

(Yelling)
I know!

Mom! I’m trying
to run a business.

Oh!

And you ain’t helping me at all.

Well, what you’re talking about.

(Baby crying)

Our guest Mr. Cooper, the critic
from that travel magazine,

we just get a good
mention from him

this Bed And Breakfast
will make us rich.

Oh, Bed And Breakfast,
Bed And Breakfast.

As if I don’t have
enough to do around here.

Here, go in there
and tuck in your baby sister.

Here’s your bowl.

Marky Bob, don’t slam the door.

We goes got a guest in there.

(Slamming door)

Morning.
Oh good morning,
Mr. Cooper.

I hope you slept well.

Here have a seat.

Right there.

I’m sorry I was late
I must have passed this place

four or five times.

(Laughing)

But, I trust the late arrival
wasn’t a problem.

Oh no.

I didn’t mind getting
up in my room at all.

Yeah, well that’s a lovely room.

Yeah.

Is there a history behind it?

Well, I shared it
with fours husbands.

Momma, give it a rest.

Oh, you’re just mad
’cause none of them

was your daddy.

(Laughter)

Will you just shut up
and boil the breakfast.

All right.

Here’s your box.

God, you people go
wake the dead.

I hate this place.

(Opening door)

Morning, Momma!

Whew that was dry.

Hi, Morney.

Lonie, is this your tourist?

Yeah, it’s Mr. Cooper
from Travel and Leisure.

(Laughing)

(Laughter)

All right, perhaps
after breakfast

you’d care to see
our collection of antique cars

on display in the yard.

No, actually I thought
I might leave after breakfast.

Oh, okay fine,
good great, fine.

Hey, who the hell
could blame you?

You know, I just want
to thank you all.

I want to thank
you all very much.

Ah!

So, uh, are you hoping
for a boy or a girl?

It don’t matter,
either way it’s Sal.

Yup.

My daughter
is a surrogate mother .

All my children work.

(Laughter)

I make $15,000
having this baby.

That’s right.

That’s... a lot of money.

Well I just wish it was enough

to help get your daddy
out of prison.

(Laughter)

Ain’t nowhere know
how enough money

can get daddy out of jail.

I know that, but, honey

don’t you think
he’s better off in there?

I know we’re all psyched for it.

(Laughter)

That’s for damn sure.

Hey Rey shut up
and pack Mr. Cooper a box.

Well, so he can get going.

What do you want?

You want onion and ketchup
on white or ketchup on white?

(Laughter)

Uh, one of each would be
fine. Thank you.

That is a good choice.

Okay.

That is a good choice.

(Yelling)

Look here the twins ar up.

Hello, babies.

(Laughter)
Hello.

Hey who
are you?
Hey who are you?

I’m - I’m George Cooper.

I bet I can pick you up.

Pick him up.

No, no.

Do it! Do it!

Stop, stop.

Put him down.

Mama, look at here.

Oh.

Somebody shot Twinkle.

Why do they have
to shoot Twinkle?

He didn’t bite nothing
but bread.

Marky Bob don’t put
twinkle on the table.

Put him in the sink.

(Laughter)

Oh my Lord, daddy’s home.

Oh, God!

Yes.

Oh.

Oh.

Well I’ll be going
now, I really -

Its customary
for a man’s family

to show up
in his parole hearing.

(Laughing)

Well, hello darling
we missed you.

We did.

What the hell is this?

Well it was Loney’s idea baby.

I’m just trying
to pull an extra money sir.

I decide what this family does
for extra money.

And I decide that
this house is now

the Hodge’ Day Spa and Retreat.

(Cheering)

I love you daddy sir.

Oh, you still think
you can lick your old man huh?

Oh.

Come on, give me
your best shot.

Oh, no.
Come on!

Now, you’re just a
sissy boy aren’t you!

Don’t start with
me, daddy, please.

Come on sissy. Sissy!

You’re sissy!

I swear I’ll kill you daddy.

Yeah, sissy you
kill me, go ahead.

I kill you daddy, I kill you.

Oh no! No!

No! No!

(Screaming)

* All the life’s simple
pleasures *

* Are waiting for you. *

* At the White Trash Bed
And Breakfast. *

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

Hey, we like to thank
our guest Mariah Carey

and we hope
you had a great time.

We sure did.

Take care!

(Cheers and applause)

(Music and applause)