All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S16E03.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

Hey Kevin, what are you doing?

Oh, hey, Vic, I was just gonna
wish George good luck

before the show.

Oh, great.

Yeah, come on.

Uh - Uh - oh!

What?

He’s asleep.

Oh.

He must have dozed off,
after the ball game.

Oh, look at him.

He’s so peaceful.

Yeah, he sure is
cute isn’t he?

Yeah.

Like an angel.

Oh, how could Dave Winfield
not like this guy?

(Laughter)

I don’t know.

Gee, I wonder
what he’s dreaming about.

Yeah.

(Music)

(Man speaking)
All right, we’re back at game
four of the World Series

and the Yankees are on the
verge

of a sweep as that dynasty
just keeps on rolling.

The bronze bomber lead 4 - 1 in
the eight thanks mostly

to a gem
of a pitching performance

from George Steinbrenner.

Steinbrenner had another
remarkable season this year.

He’s a sure bet to win
the Cy Young Award

and maybe the MVP.

Although that will probably go
to his teammate

all star catcher
George Steinbrenner.

(Laughter)

Steinbrenner now
into his motion and delivers.

Swing and a sharp ground ball.

Nice stop by Steinbrenner.

Over to Steinbrenner for one,
onto Steinbrenner, double play.

What a play by Steinbrenner.

(Cheers and applause)

Alright, here comes Eric Davis.

They’re not out
of the woods yet.

(Laughter)

Wait a minute
Manager George Steinbrenner

heading for the mound.

It look like he’s going to make
a pitching change.

Yup, there’s the signal.

He wants Steinbrenner.

(Laughter)

Very crafty move by skipper
Steinbrenner bringing

bringing in
the southpaw Steinbrenner.

The big stopper with a record
147 saves this year.

Okay, okay one more out.

There’s the pitch.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

George, George are you okay?

Oh yeah, yeah.

Yeah, whoa, well I’m fine.

We couldn’t tell.

Listen George
it’s time to start the show.

Oh all right, okay.

Live from New York,
It’s Saturday Night!

(Music and applause)

(Music and applause)

It’s Saturday Night Live!

(Music)

With Dana Carvey

Phil Hartman

Jan Hooks

Victoria Jackson

Dennis Miller

Mike Myers

Kevin Nealon

With Chris Farley

Chris Rock

And featuring Al Franken

G.E. Smith

and the
Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, The Time

(Music)

And starring
George Steinbrenner

(Music)

Ladies and gentlemen,
George Steinbrenner!

(Music and applause)

Thank you!
Thank you very, very much!

Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you!

(Cheers and applause)

I’m really excited tonight.

I want you all to know that,
at 11:15 tonight,

I bought the Cincinnati Reds.

(Cheers and applause)

Anyway, it’s great to be here.

You know, this show
traditionally

has two kinds of hosts---

entertainers, you know,
actors, and comedians---

And then beloved figures
from other walks of life.

(Laughter)

Now, I’m not an actor.

I’ve never been in a movie
or a TV series.

I’m not a comedian!

Don’t do impressions.

I’m not good
at snappy comebacks.

I don’t do schtick
and I’m not a singer.

I’m not gonna put on a dress
and sing old Judy Garland songs.

(Laughter)

I’m not a contortionist,

and I’m not gonna put on
a straightjacket,

and be submerged
in a tank of water.

I’m not gonna catch a
bullet in my teeth, I hope.

(Laughter)

Or---

(Cheers and applause)

or eat 100 eggs.

(Cheers and applause)

By no reasonable definition
of the word can I be considered

an "entertainer".

I’m not gonna wear a beard
made of bees, or drink kerosene

and light my burps.

No way!

(Laughter)

I’m just not an entertainer.

So the way I see it,
if I’m not an entertainer,

I must fall into that
other category:

beloved Americans
from another walk of life.

(Soft laughter)

Anyway, we got a terrific
show for you tonight!

A great musical group The
Timeis here.

(Cheers and applause)

Everyone working here
is underpaid, all you guys!

Sure.

So, Lou won the big game, 2-1.

(Cheers and applause)
Lou!

So let’s stick around!

You’re gonna have a great time!

And we’ll be right back!

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

(Music)
(Rithmic loud noise)

Good evening and welcome
to Slapped by Beaver Tails.

My first guest
is Monica Clayborne

of Navaho Dam, New Mexico.

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you.

(Cheers and applause)

Welcome Monica!

Thank you.

Now I understand
you were slap across the face

by a beaver tail, is
that right?

That is correct.

And that your husband
actually recorded the event.

Yes he did.

Here I am
when I first saw the beaver.

Honey look it’s a beaver!

(Man whispering)
Try and pet it.

It will make a nice shot.

I’m scared!

Go ahead.

Hi.

(Slaps her face)

Ow! Oh! Ouch!

Try again.

What?

Go ahead, try again.

Well, okay.

Ow! Oh! Ouch!

Oh!

Okay, well, I tell you
that looked like it hurt.

It did very much.

(Laughter)

My next guest is Rod Camacho
of Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

Now Rod---

(Applause)

Now Rod, I understand, you were
swimming, when you were slapped

by a beaver tail.

Yeah, yeah, I was
swimming in a pond,

that I found out later

there was just swarming
with beavers.

Can you show us
where you were slapped?

No, I’d rather not,
not on television.

But, uh, they took some photos
at the emergency room

that I brought along.

(Laughter)

That - that’s the front
right there.

Boy, he really got
you didn’t he?

No doubt about that.

And here’s the back.

(Laughter)

Oh, yeah it’s uh, sort of a
starburst effect, isn’t it?

Yeah, that’s what the
doctor said.

My next guest is
AJ Texclamor of Houston, Texas.

(Cheers and applause)

Uh, I think I misunderstood
the nature of your show. Uh---

From the title ---

I really don’t have
anything to say.

Well, okay, thanks for coming.

And be sure to join us
next time, on "Slapped by
a Beaver Tail"

(Music and cheers)

(Music)
(Rithmic loud noise)

(Music)

Care, compassion,
dedication.

These are the things
we can promise you

at Winston-McCauley
Funeral Home.

And there’s one other thing
we can promise:

That we will not have sex
with any dead body.

How can we guarantee
this level of service?

First, we rigorously test
our applicants,

for aptitude and intelligence.

And also to make sure,
they don’t have the urge

to have sex with dead bodies.

(Music)

And, if any of our employees,

fails to live up
to our standards,

Or is cut having sex
with a dead body,

he can be suspended,
without pay,

for up to six months.

And, if that’s not enough,
you have my personal assurance,

that if you can prove
that your loved one

was the victim
of post-mortem sex,

I will discount your bill
with us, for a full $1,000.

That’s the
Winston-McCauley
Guarantee.

(Music)

(Man speaking)
Care.

Compassion.

Dedication.

And absolutely No Sex.

Winston-McCauley Funeral Home.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music and applause)

(Don Pardo speaking)
And now Weekend Update

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music and applause)

Good evening,
and what can I tell you.

Earlier this week,
house democrats

and the White House differed
on a proposed shutdown time

for the American government.

In lieu of an acceptable
budget agreement,

democrats wanted
the government to shutdown

at 6PM Wednesday,

whereas the White House,
wanted the government

to shutdown, at 6AM Wednesday.

Eventually they hammered out
a compromise shutdown time

of 12:45 PM Wednesday,
right after lunch.

To celebrate the agreement,

the President attempted to pose

for a picture, with democratic
leaders but they could not agree

on an F stop setting
for the camera.

(Laughter)

President Bush under fire, for
not making any hard decisions

on the budget crisis,
proved to detractors this week

that his thumb, is not where
they say it is.

(Laughter)

And, it may look like White
House budget Director
Richard Darman

is praying for inspiration,
amidst the current budget crisis

but, he’s actually showing,

how much leeway
the United States has

before the entire American
economic system collapses.

(Laughter)

Political observers
in Washington were once again

stunned and angered this week,
when Bush

ignored pressing budget issues,

and continued to shoot craps,
in the White House casino.

(Laughter and applause)

Mikhail Gorbachev this
week, was awarded

the Nobel Peace Prize

which includes and award,
of more than $700,000.

Gorbachev says,
he will use the money

to double his country’s,
Gross National Product.

(Laughter)

Although most agree, the Soviet
leader deserve the award

some suspect,
a little backstage campaigning,

that’s won the vote.

(Laughter)

Turning to sports, there’s a big
fight coming up next week,

and here with some comments,
andvinsight is Weekend Update

Correspondent Chris Rock.

Welcome Chris.

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you Dennis.

Next Thursday, Evander
Holyfield, fights Buster Douglas

for the Heavyweight Championship
of the World.

Now, I went out to place a bet
on the fight, an I found out

that Evander Holyfield,
is the favorite.

I have nothing against Evander

but, didn’t Buster Douglas
knocked Mike Tyson out?

I mean, doesn’t that
mean anything?

I mean, what does a guy
have to do to be favorite,

I mean kill Godzilla?

Now, I’m at home the other night
watching some old boxing movies,

and, by far the strangest
one was Rocky IV.

I’m sitting there
thinking to myself,

"Two white guys,

fighting for the heavyweight
championship of the world?"

Boy, that Spielberg
is something else.

(Laughter)

I mean let’s face it,
white guys cannot box,

black guys fight better, Puerto
Ricans fight even better.

I mean, I guess the lower you
go on the social ladder,

the better you fight okay?

You think about for every good
Puerto Rican fighter?

There’s an American Indian,
that’s waiting to kick his ass.

(Laughter)

And the poor American Indians,

I feel so sorry
for the Indians man,

’cause we took ,
we’ll we didn’t take,

you people took their land.

(Cheers and applause)

And now, they have nothing.

Everybody exploits the Indians,

you got Mazola
commercials, and,

F - Troop, and
The Washington Redskins.

Redskins, that’s not nice,
that’s a racial slur!

That’s kind of like having
The New York Niggers, okay?

(Cheers and applause)

Remember the commercial,

the Indian had the tear
in his eyes, pollution?

He wasn’t crying for
pollution, you took his land,

and raped his wife, okay?

I don’t think he was crying

because there was a
can on the ground.

I mean, oh, Dennis,
what was I talking about?

I think you were
talking about boxing.

Yeah, I got Buster Douglas
in the eight.

I hear that, thank you. Chris
Rock, ladies and gentlemen.

Chris Rock.

(Cheers and applause)

Oh, yeah!

Thank you, Chris.

Effective this week, AT&T
will no longer be saying,

"Thank you for using AT&T",
starting tomorrow,

all AT&T operators,
will now say:

"Thank you,
for not using Sprint or MCI".

(Laughter)

This is, Lance Corporal
Corey Keiling

of Redding, California,
spooning chili,

into insulated containers,

to be served to our
troops, in the Saudi Desert.

Nothing a soldier likes more in
the middle of the desert,

than a big steaming bowl
of chili, huh?

Yeah, listen guys,
I’m going in to hell,

can I get a jalapeno,
to suck on?

(Laughter and applause)

The embargo on Iraq,
appears to be having an effect.

Yesterday, Baghdad announced

that it would start
gas rationing.

Those driving camels with
two humps, will get gas
on even days,

those with one hump,
on odd days.

(Laughter)

And, in entertainment news,
Roseanne Barr and Tom Arnold

have announced, that they are
suing the National Enquirer

for, 35 million dollars.

We have them on live,
remote, from California.

Rosie, Tom, welcome!

Hi Dennis.

Hi Dennis.

Hey, how are you guys?

Our -

No you don’t have
to answer that honey.

That’s okay honey,
we’re just fine Dennis.

Okay, now, 35 million dollar
lawsuit why?

Oh, like, well cause like
35 is like, my lucky number

and everything you know?

And, like that’s the day
I met Tom you know March 5th.

That’s my lucky 2, number two.

I love you honey.

I love you too honey!

Guys, uh---

(Laughter)

why are you suing guys?

Oh well like, Dennis
you know, I---

we don’t have any skeletons
in our closet.

What skeletons do we have,
that we don’t already have?

We don’t have anything left.

Just like, we ain’t go nothing.

It’s like, maybe I fired like,
two - or like 500 people

or something.

And like, maybe Tom,
went to a drug clinic.

I’ve gotten a taxi, and
went top treatment.

Yeah.

But like, they said - they said
our tattoo is on our butt,

and that is a lie.

Our tattoo is right here.

This is not our butt Dennis.

That’s like
That is not
our butt.

That is not our butt.

We’re really mad!

The media is scum,
they’re not even people,

they shouldn’t be treated!

Yes, we’re gonna win!

We’re like really mad
and everything, you know?

We’re ready
to fight!
Yeah.

I’m ready to fight!

(Laughing)

Because like, we’re really mad!

No, stop, stop, stop, stop!

Turn it off! Turn it off.

(Cheers and applause)

Yeah.

(Applause)

Did I just see,
what I think I saw?

(Laughter)

Only I was above the
Grand Canyon, in a helicopter.

(Laughter)

What the hell was that?

(Laughter)

The---

(Laughter)

the surprising Cincinnati Reds,
4 - 0 sweep of the Athletics

in this year’s fall
classic, is anything---

Yeah.

(Cheers and applause)

Well---

it came as anything
but a surprise to Pete Rose.

Anonymous prison sources,
said: "Pete knew all the time,

you should see all the
cigarettes he’s won."

(Laughter)

Now this is Luther
Campbell, of 2 Live Crew

who was found, not guilty,
of obscenity charges

today, in Fort Lauderdale.

Yeah, I know---

(Applause)

Yeah---

I know he’s a first
amendment martyr, now and we
all have to be

on right side of this,
but you know---

it really is a bad album.

(Laughter)

I mean, you know---

couldn’t we have gone
to the wall over,

Layla or Purple Haze,
you know?

New York Mayor David Dinkins,
has approved a new plan,

to pay a $5,000 reward,

to anyone willing,
to snitch on someone

who may have cheated
on their taxes.

Immediately, following
the proposal,

Dinkins finally admitted,

the allegations of not
filing his own tax,

return, for four
consecutive years

and paid himself $20,000.

(Laughter)

And, as the last resort to save
Atlantic City’s Taj Mahal,

Donald Trump,
has finally decided

to sell all that he has left.

The former millionaire’s ego,
will be auctioned off

at Cristie’s, later this week.

(Laughter)

You know what, the
saddest part

of the New Kids on the Block
phenomenon is folks?

It’s the one new kid,
who has taken it upon himself,

to become the,
brooding New Kid on the Block.

He’s always hunched over,

with that, scraggly nanny
goat facial hair.

He’s got the hat on sideways,
that flip chappo insolence

of youth.

Entirely blank stare, that
rebel without a clue look.

You know, you got four kids who
look like Denny Terio embryos

and the fifth kid,
is Sylvia Platt,

with writer’s block.

(Laughter)

He’s always pulling up on that
Harley, just to let you know,

he’s a motorcycle guy,
in a mope head band.

(Laughter)

Oh sure, he might sing---

(Mumbling)

But, he doesn’t mean it.

(Laughing)

(Cheers and applause)

Well---

(Cheers and applause)

And, in a ceremony at City Hall
this week, the stench of urine

was named, New York’s
official smell.

Congratulations,
stench of urine!

Guses what folks?
That’s the news!

(Music and cheers)

(Music and applause)

Well, how does
this thing work?

I don’t know, man, I’ve
never done this before---

Ah, I’m never gonna make it
to the concert now---

(Weird noise)

Maybe I can help!

Always hook, positive
to positive.

When the dead car starts,
remove the cables immediately!

You know, you ought to put
some, baking soda,

on those battery terminals!

That way, they won’t corrode!

Wow, I never would’ve
thought of that!

I mean, how do you know
this stuff?

I know, because I’m..
Middle-Aged Man!

(Music)

* "Middle-Aged Man. *

* Middle-Aged Man. *

* He has powers and knowledge *

* that are far beyond
younger men. *

* Middle-Aged Man. *

* Caught between
forty and fifty-five *

* Accruing more interest,
yet losing his sex drive. *

* Developing skills
in the dark. *

* Middle-Aged Man." *

(Music)

(Don Pardo speaking)
Tonight’s episode: "The
Affair".

I think Larry
is having an affair.

Oh, no do you really think so?

I just wish, there was someway
I could find out for sure---

(Weird noise)

(Laughter)

Maybe I can help!

What? Who are you?

I’m Middle-Aged Man!

I’ve heard of you!

(Weird noise)

Who’s this?

Uh, this is my sidekick,
Drinking Buddy.

(Laughter)

What’s the difference, between
you, and Drinking Buddy?

I have a life!

(Laughter)

You - you got any beer?

Uh, yeah.

I think, there’s one left
in the fridge, there.

Oh, I couldn’t take
your last beer.

Oh, that’s okay.

Thanks!

(Laughter)

What seems to be the problem?

Oh, hold on, hold on, I think
I just had a Maalox Moment!

(Laughter)

I think my husband
is having an affair?

Hmm... did he recently,
buy a red sports car?

Why, yes, he did!

Yes---

Did he go out and get a haircut,
that’s far too young

for his face?

Why, yes, that’s amazing!

And, finally, does he seem
unusually happy lately?

No... not really---

Then he’s not having an affair!

(Laughing)

Ah, just a,
little Middle-Aged humor!

Right, Drinking Buddy?

Absotutely!

(Laughing)

Hey!

What are you looking at!

You’re looking at
my gut, aren’t you!

No!

Well, I’m working on it!

Say, Ed, it’s beer-thirty,
don’t you think we should be,

uh you know, uh, going?

Ah, tie a knot in it, and don’t
start getting the shakes on me!

Oh, Middle-Aged Man,
my husband seems so---

so bored and disinterested---

How long have you
been married?

Seven years.

How long have you
had that hairstyle?

Seven years.

What are you, Betty Rubble?!

Change it!

(Laughing)

Well, now, I think you’ve
forgotten what it feels like,

to be sexually desirable.

Maybe.

But, I know where all my
appliance warranties are.

Wow!

I’d give anything, to know that!

Hey! you’re still looking
at our guts, aren’t you?

Nooo!

Hey!

I bought an Abdominizer!

I think Love Handles are sexy!

Oh, yeah, Love Handles!
There’s a euphanism.

It’s like calling saggy
breasts Love Bags!

(Laughter)

No one’s buying it!

Hey, Ed, come on, my back teeth,
are starting to pull here..

Alright, hold your horses!

You know you don’t
buy beer, you rent it!

I hope we were some help to you.

Yes, you were.

Thanks, Middle-Aged Man!

My pleasure.

Just, quit looking at my gut!

I’m working on it!

(Weird noise)

(Weird noise)

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

* "He’s Middle-Aged Man." *

(Music)

(Applause)

(Music)

(Phil Hartman speaking)
And now Deep Thoughts
by Jack Handey.

(Music)

(Man speaking)
To me boxing is like a ballet,
except there’s no music,

no choreography, and the
dancers hit each other.

(Music)

(Soft laughter)

That was me, Idi Amin,
the guy that loves to eat.

(Laughter)

Before I lost 80 pounds,
with the Ultra Slim Fast Diet.

(Laughter)

And, I feel great!

(Laughter)

When I look like this, after
the liberation of Kuwait,

(Laughter)

some of my guys challenged
me, to lose 10 pounds.

Of course, I had
them executed.

But, I lost 20 pounds,
in two months,

with Ultra Slim Fast Plan.

That was me, Yankee owner
George Steinbrenner,

before I lost 15 pounds,

just by having, a delicious
shake for breakfast, and lunch.

Hello, I am Pol Pot.

When my Khmer Rouge, were
forced out of Cambodia,

Whoa, whoa, hey, hey.

Hold on a minute,
hold on a minute here.

What is, there something
wrong George?

Yeah. Lorne!

Lorne I think---

Well what is this?

I think something,
is very wrong here.

Come over here and talk.

What’s the problem?

Well Lorne,
what’s the joke here?

What’s the point,
of this whole sketch?

Well it’s a parody, of the
Ultra Slim Fastcommercials.

I know that, but, why am I
up here with these guys?

They’re ruthless dictators.

I’m a baseball owner.

Uh - huh. I - I understand.

I should not be up there.

I should be with, owners of
baseball teams,

like Bud Selig
and Jerry Reinsdorf.

But, most people don’t know,
Jerry Reinsdorf

They know Paul Pot.

Sue they know Pol Pot,
he killed a million people.

I mean, is that a joke,
linking me with these guys?

No, no absolutely not.

I mean, I’m getting the feeling
that this whole idea is,

just to humiliate me.

Why would we do that,
we’re all Yankeefans!

Well, I don’t get it,
I don’t get it.

Look, why don’t I have
the writer,

come out and explain,
what he was thinking.

Well, okay.

Al, Al Franken, come here.

I mean, Idi Amin, he ate people.

Actually, I think that was -
I think, that was Pocassa.

Yes Lorne?

Al, George doesn’t
get the point

behind the
Ultra Slim Fastsketch.

Yeah, what’s the joke?

Oh, okay, um, it’s about the
current mania for losing weight

and, how it’s
getting ridiculous.

Well, I agree with that,
it is ridiculous.

Absolutely ridiculous.

Especially with all the problems
in the world, which is why

we have Pol Pot,
and Saddam Hussein.

Yeah, but,
what am I supposed to be?

Uh, you are, every man.

Every man?

Uh, Mr. Average Joe America.

Every American.

Right. You are the guy, our
audience identifies with.

Identifies with.
Oh yeah.

The joke is, that you
are the antithesis,

of Pol Pot and
Saddam Hussein.

The very
opposite.
Oh, okay fine.

Now, I understand it now,
yeah, yeah.

Yeah, okay. Yeah!

Okay?

Well, uh, great! Why don’t’ we
finish the sketch.

Alright, that’s good.

Okay.

Thanks Al.

Oh surely.

A funny bit Al, a
funny bit.

Oh thanks.

Now, where,
where were we?

Well, Pol Pot here, was just
wrapping up his spiel.

Alright, why don’t we
pick it up from there. George,

Alright.

do you mind,
putting on this hat?

Okay.
This hat?

Alright.

(Laughter)

So take it from me, Pol Pot!

And me, Saddam Hussein.

And me, Idi Amin.

And me, George Steinbrenner,
because of we can do it,

so can you!

(Together)
It works!

(Applause)

(Don Pardo speaking)
Ultra Slim Fast it works.

Take it from these guys.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

(Phil Hartman speaking)
And now Deep Thoughts
by Jack Handey.

(Music)

(Man speaking)
If you’re a horse, and
someone gets on you,

and falls off, and then
gets right back on you,

I think you should
buck him off, right away.

(Music and applause)

Did I tell you,was that
mud pie rich, or what?

Oh, I am stuffed.

Back on the old Ultra Slim
Fastfor me tomorrow.

(Laughter)

I got it, I got.

No, no, no, what are you talking
about I recommended the place,

so I get the check.

Come one, Bob,
you got the last one.

We didn’t have the girls
along then, that didn’t count.

Come on, that’s ridiculous.

That was an expensive lunch,
and I had two drinks.

That was a business lunch,
this is pleasure, and I got it.

All right, thank you.

Thank you.

80 bucks a head that’s not bad.

Waiter!

Put it on here for me,
will you my friend?

Quick Draw McGraw here, is gonna
let me pick it up tonight.

Wait a minute Bob,
I said I want to pay for it.

Oh, yeah right,
that was a real struggle.

This guy’s a regular bulldog,

when it comes
to getting the check.

(Laughing)

Now, look, really Bob---

Let us pay for it, you’ve been
so nice to us all day,

it’s the least we can do.

Look, when I say I got it,
I got it.

So I got it.

Get it?

I’m sorry.

Bob, please, I’ll get it.

Waiter, do me a favor will
you, put it on this.

Oh, that’s no good here.

You’re money is no good.

I’m paying, that’s the
end of the story.

Okay.

Okay, you win.

Thank you for a lovely dinner.

You are very, very welcome.

Okay, so, I am putting
it on, Mr. Bauer’s card.

Yeah.
Yeah.

My pleasure.

Well next time, we’re taking you
out to our favorite restaurant,

and I am picking up the tab,
end of story.

Whatever, we’ll
see. We’ll see.

Well, boy, you sure were
right about this place Bob.

Wasn’t I?

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

You’re right about,
those tornados of beef too,

they were perfect.

Pink in the middle, and the
garlic they had there, wooo!

Yeah, it’s a good thing
I had it too, huh?

Me too.

I always let him order for me,
’cause it’s quicker.

Well, the tornados are
what they do best.

You pay for it,
but what the hell,

you want the best for your
friends,

and, it’s worth
a few extra bucks.

Thank you very much, sir.

Thank you.

You were very good.

Wasn’t he good honey?

Oh, yes, he was very good.

And I think I should give
him what, 20% tip?

Oh, yes.

Thank you, sir.

You know, good thing for you,
it’s me picking up the check

not the guy with the
bagpipes over there.

Hey, come on.

You’ll be lucky,
to get a cab home.

That’s not fair, my husband
is a very good tipper.

When he picks up the check.

Alright, that’s it I’m not
gonna let you pay for it.

No, you don’t.

Come on! I, I---

Let go to that!

Stop it, stop it!

(Cries)

Okay, okay, okay,
thank you.

Thank you for a lovely dinner.

It was lovely.

(Cries)

What’s 20% of 320?

(Soft laughter)

Forget it, I didn’t marry
her for the math.

(Cries)

Here you go, my man,

you don’t want to scratch up
Uncle Scrooge’s card over there.

Probably, never have been used.

Oh, come on Bob.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music and applause)

(Phil Hartman speaking)
And now Deep Thoughts

by Jack Handey.

(Music)

(Man speaking)
If you ever teach
a yodeling class,

probably the hardest thing,

Is to keep the students, from
just trying to yodel right off.

You see, we build to that.

(Music)

(Laughter and applause)

(Cheers and applause)

Yes?

(Woman speaking)
Mr. Steinbrenner, the
woman sportswriter,

from the New York Post,

is here to maker
an official complain.

Yes, very good, I’ve
been expecting her.

Send her in.

(Opening door)

Mr. Steinbrenner.

I’d like to thank you for seeing
me, on such short notice sir.

No problem at all, honey.

(Laughter)

My name isn’t Honey,
it’s Meagan.

Suit yourself, Meagan, honey.

So, what’s on your,
agenda here, sweetlips?

(Laughter)

Okay, I don’t want a drink
Mr. Steinbrenner

I’m here, to register
a formal complaint.

Oh, ’cause you see, I usually
don’t get too many complaints.

If you know what I mean.

(Laughter)

Alright, last week, in the
locker room an in fielder,

showed me, one of his parts.

Now, what part
would that be, baby?

(Laughter)

Look, the name, is Meagan.

Ice?

I don’t want a drink!

I wasn’t offering a drink,
I was making a comment.

All right.

(Laughter)

Okay, fine, I can see that I’m
just not getting anywhere.

You’re not getting anywhere?

I might as well,
put my pants back on.

(Laughter)

Would you like to help?

(Soft laughter)

Mr. Steinbrenner, in all
my years, as a reporter---

No, no, no, in all my
years as a woman,

I have never been subjected

to such a brutal display,
of utter crudity!

Oh, brother.

(Soft laughter)

(Intercom buzzing)

Yes?

Mr. Steinbrenner, the woman
sportswriter from the Daily
News

is here to see you?

Oh, good.

Uh, give me just a minute here.

(Laughter)

(Cheers and applause)

Alright, send her in.

(Applause)

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

Ladies and gentlemen, you know,
we don’t laugh enough today,

and, this has been
a lot of fun tonight.

I hope you’ve enjoyed it.

The Time,
what a great group

of young men they are.

All these talented young people.

Thank you for being with us.

We appreciate it.

We’ll hope you comeback often,
and watch Saturday Night Live

often.

Hi Julia.

Thank you,
and good night eyerybody!

(Cheers and applause)

(Music and applause)

(Music)