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1
00:00:04,537 --> 00:00:06,339
Hello, I’m Victor Kiam!
2
00:00:06,373 --> 00:00:09,676
Owner of the New England
Patriots and Remington Shaver!
3
00:00:09,709 --> 00:00:13,346
(Cheers and applause)
4
00:00:15,248 --> 00:00:18,518
I’m the guy who
bought the company!
5
00:00:18,551 --> 00:00:21,287
And I’m proud to announce a new
member of the Lady Remington
6
00:00:21,321 --> 00:00:26,226
razor family - introducing
the new Classic Bitch Shaver!
7
00:00:26,259 --> 00:00:30,063
(Laughter and applause)
8
00:00:32,499 --> 00:00:35,301
When I called that woman
reporter a "classic bitch",
9
00:00:35,335 --> 00:00:37,237
I meant it in a good way!
10
00:00:37,270 --> 00:00:38,538
(Laughter)
11
00:00:38,571 --> 00:00:40,140
I meant a real go-getter!
12
00:00:40,173 --> 00:00:43,343
Unafraid to tackle the
male-dominated workforce!
13
00:00:43,376 --> 00:00:45,545
The Classic Bitchdoesn’t just
shave---
14
00:00:45,578 --> 00:00:47,514
it actually yanks
the hair by the root,
15
00:00:47,547 --> 00:00:49,816
intimidating it from
growing back!
16
00:00:49,849 --> 00:00:52,419
(Laughter and applause)
17
00:00:52,452 --> 00:00:54,788
you with gimmicks -
18
00:00:54,821 --> 00:00:58,024
it simply goes about its
business in a humorless way!
19
00:00:58,058 --> 00:01:01,528
You may not like the Classic
Bitch, but you’ll respect it!
20
00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:02,762
(Laughter)
21
00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:05,632
You’ll want it on
your side, believe me!
22
00:01:05,665 --> 00:01:07,233
But, for those
who don’t think
23
00:01:07,267 --> 00:01:09,436
the Classic Bitchgoes
far enough,
24
00:01:09,469 --> 00:01:12,906
try Remington’s
new Lezbo Electric Shaver !
25
00:01:12,939 --> 00:01:15,475
(Loud laughter and applause)
26
00:01:15,508 --> 00:01:20,180
When I say Lezbo, I
mean it in a good way!
27
00:01:20,213 --> 00:01:24,084
Like a real go-getter - not only
afraid to tackle a man’s job,
28
00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:27,854
but also not afraid to
look a little like a man!
29
00:01:27,887 --> 00:01:29,389
You know the type.
30
00:01:29,422 --> 00:01:33,093
The Lezbo tackles those really
tough facial and chest hairs,
31
00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:36,563
and also comes with a
pop-up underarm trimmer!
32
00:01:36,596 --> 00:01:39,966
You’re not just smooth
- you’re Lezbo smooth!
33
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,368
(Laughter)
34
00:01:41,401 --> 00:01:43,970
I mean it in a good way!
35
00:01:44,004 --> 00:01:46,606
I’m Victor Kiam, and,
by the way,
36
00:01:46,639 --> 00:01:51,211
"Live, from New York,
it’s Saturday Night!"
37
00:01:51,244 --> 00:01:54,114
(SNL music theme)
(Cheers and applause)
38
00:02:09,329 --> 00:02:11,731
It’s Saturday Night Live!
39
00:02:16,603 --> 00:02:19,339
WithDana Carvey.
40
00:02:19,372 --> 00:02:22,342
Phil Hartman.
41
00:02:22,375 --> 00:02:24,978
Jan Hooks.
42
00:02:25,078 --> 00:02:27,080
Victoria Jackson.
43
00:02:28,248 --> 00:02:31,317
Dennis Miller.
44
00:02:31,351 --> 00:02:33,520
Mike Myers.
45
00:02:34,587 --> 00:02:36,656
Kevin Nealon.
46
00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:40,260
WithChris Farley.
47
00:02:40,293 --> 00:02:41,961
Chris Rock.
48
00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:43,663
And featuring G.E. Smith
49
00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:46,399
and the SaturdayNight Live Band.
50
00:02:46,433 --> 00:02:48,735
Musical guest,Hothouse Flowers.
51
00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:56,843
StarringSusan Lucci.
52
00:02:56,876 --> 00:02:59,779
(Music)
53
00:03:09,255 --> 00:03:13,660
Ladies and gentlemen,Susan Lucci!
54
00:03:31,344 --> 00:03:36,216
(Cheers and applause)
55
00:03:38,351 --> 00:03:41,488
That is so
nice, thank you so much!
56
00:03:41,521 --> 00:03:43,223
Thank you!
57
00:03:43,256 --> 00:03:46,359
Ah, "Saturday Night Live" -
58
00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:48,094
here I am hosting
" Saturday Night Live",
59
00:03:48,094 --> 00:03:50,463
I cannot think of
a bigger thrill in my life---
60
00:03:51,531 --> 00:03:53,600
except, maybe,
that Emmy?
61
00:03:53,633 --> 00:03:56,970
(Loud laughter and applause)
62
00:03:57,003 --> 00:03:58,304
It doesn’t matter.
63
00:03:58,338 --> 00:03:59,873
(Laughs)
64
00:03:59,906 --> 00:04:02,542
Most of you may know me from
the character I play on
65
00:04:02,575 --> 00:04:05,045
" All My Children"
- Erica Kane.
66
00:04:05,045 --> 00:04:08,148
(Loud cheers and applause)
67
00:04:10,884 --> 00:04:12,185
I have to tell you, though,
68
00:04:12,218 --> 00:04:14,154
I’m really nothing
like that character,
69
00:04:14,187 --> 00:04:16,956
like that schemeing,
self-centered Erica Kane.
70
00:04:18,124 --> 00:04:19,893
For one thing,
71
00:04:19,926 --> 00:04:21,961
Erica’s been
married eight times;
72
00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:24,864
I’ve only been married
once, to the same sweet,
73
00:04:24,898 --> 00:04:27,567
wonderful man for
sixteen years now---
74
00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:29,569
I have had
countless affairs---
75
00:04:29,602 --> 00:04:31,571
(Laughter)
76
00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:33,406
but I always come
back to the same sweet,
77
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,241
wonderful man!
78
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:36,676
He’s the father of---
79
00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:38,178
one of my two children.
80
00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:39,879
(Laughter)
81
00:04:39,913 --> 00:04:42,749
I just said all
that for a laugh.
82
00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:44,150
That’s why I wanted
to do this show.
83
00:04:44,184 --> 00:04:46,519
I wanted to work in
front of a live audience,
84
00:04:46,553 --> 00:04:48,421
and hear you laugh.
85
00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:51,091
We once tried a live audience
at " All My Children",
86
00:04:51,091 --> 00:04:52,859
but they just didn’t laugh.
87
00:04:52,892 --> 00:04:54,327
(Laughter)
88
00:04:54,361 --> 00:04:56,830
Oh, you’d hear an
occasional cough.
89
00:04:56,863 --> 00:04:59,099
Mainly people would just
yell out things, like---
90
00:04:59,099 --> 00:05:00,300
"Don’t marry her!
91
00:05:00,333 --> 00:05:01,835
You’re just a pawnin her game!"
92
00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:03,136
(Laughter and applause)
93
00:05:03,169 --> 00:05:04,838
"Uh-oh!
94
00:05:04,871 --> 00:05:07,707
He’s coming to walk in on younow, put your clothes back on!"
95
00:05:07,741 --> 00:05:09,242
(Laughter)
96
00:05:09,275 --> 00:05:11,311
So we got rid of the audience.
97
00:05:11,344 --> 00:05:13,413
But, anyway, here I
am doing this show!
98
00:05:13,446 --> 00:05:16,149
Everybody has been so terrific
to work with, this week,
99
00:05:16,182 --> 00:05:18,184
it’s been a great week.
100
00:05:18,218 --> 00:05:21,054
Except for one minor incident---
(Harp music)
101
00:05:21,054 --> 00:05:24,190
it really was not worth
flashing back to---
102
00:05:25,425 --> 00:05:28,094
Okay, Susan, this wig
looks great.
103
00:05:28,128 --> 00:05:31,765
We’ll just brush your hair out
for the monologue now, okay?
104
00:05:31,798 --> 00:05:34,067
There that looks good.
105
00:05:34,100 --> 00:05:37,671
You had a really
good dress rehearsal.
106
00:05:37,704 --> 00:05:40,140
There, what do
you think, Sylvia?
107
00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:41,174
It’s nice.
108
00:05:41,207 --> 00:05:42,108
Nice.
109
00:05:42,142 --> 00:05:42,942
Susan?
110
00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:44,944
Susan, are you almost ready?
111
00:05:44,978 --> 00:05:46,346
Yeah, just about.
112
00:05:46,379 --> 00:05:49,149
Thanks, Gloria, you
have been so helpful!
113
00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:49,883
Really.
114
00:05:49,916 --> 00:05:51,217
Oh, no problem.
115
00:05:51,251 --> 00:05:53,620
I was just doing my job.
116
00:05:53,653 --> 00:05:55,722
(Laughter)
117
00:05:55,755 --> 00:05:57,590
Wow.. is.. is thatyour Emmy?
118
00:05:58,658 --> 00:06:01,294
That’s one of her Emmys!
119
00:06:01,327 --> 00:06:02,929
She’s got three!
120
00:06:03,029 --> 00:06:04,698
(Laughter)
121
00:06:04,731 --> 00:06:07,901
Well, you know, I’ve been in the
business about five years, so---
122
00:06:07,934 --> 00:06:09,302
I just got them---
123
00:06:09,336 --> 00:06:11,438
Susan, they want you to go
over to wardrobe,
124
00:06:11,471 --> 00:06:13,373
and get in a costume thing.
125
00:06:13,406 --> 00:06:15,075
Come on.
126
00:06:19,846 --> 00:06:20,880
There you are!
127
00:06:20,914 --> 00:06:22,182
Susan.
128
00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:24,617
I want to try this tiara
for the next sketch.
129
00:06:28,054 --> 00:06:31,524
You know, it’s nice but I
have a couple of more
130
00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:33,059
that I want to try.
131
00:06:34,194 --> 00:06:36,196
(Laughter)
132
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:38,798
No, honey, these
are Emmys.
133
00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:40,233
Back here.
134
00:06:40,266 --> 00:06:42,936
Steven, are these the two
Emmysyou won
135
00:06:42,969 --> 00:06:46,106
for that Very Special "Benson"?
136
00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:48,842
Oh, I don’t know, Victoria...
check the inscriptions.
137
00:06:48,875 --> 00:06:49,909
Susan?
138
00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:51,611
Susan?
139
00:06:51,644 --> 00:06:52,946
Hi, Susan.
140
00:06:52,979 --> 00:06:55,148
I think they need you over
in Make-up over there.
141
00:06:55,181 --> 00:06:56,583
(Laughter)
142
00:06:56,616 --> 00:06:58,451
Oh? You like this?
143
00:06:58,485 --> 00:07:00,320
I gave my other
two to my parents!
144
00:07:00,353 --> 00:07:01,855
Come on!
145
00:07:01,888 --> 00:07:03,056
Hey!
146
00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:04,324
Hey, Susan!
147
00:07:04,357 --> 00:07:06,760
Hey, you were great in
Dress - you excited?
148
00:07:06,793 --> 00:07:08,495
You excited? Good!
149
00:07:08,528 --> 00:07:11,264
Look at this, my make-up table
is broken, can you believe that?
150
00:07:11,297 --> 00:07:13,433
Hey, can somebody
help me here, please?
151
00:07:13,466 --> 00:07:14,801
Make-up table’s broken.
152
00:07:14,834 --> 00:07:15,935
Hi, Howard.
153
00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:17,904
(Laughter)
154
00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:20,040
Ohh.. Howard.
155
00:07:20,073 --> 00:07:21,708
you’re a life saver.
156
00:07:21,741 --> 00:07:23,910
It’s only an Emmy, Miss Hooks.
157
00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:25,478
This way, Susan.
158
00:07:25,512 --> 00:07:27,380
Susan? Come on.
159
00:07:27,414 --> 00:07:29,683
I didn’t know
Howard had an Emmy!
160
00:07:29,716 --> 00:07:32,852
He’s Union - he shows up,
he does his job, right?
161
00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:35,822
(Laughter and applause)
162
00:07:39,492 --> 00:07:42,595
Susan? Are you alright?
163
00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:43,663
Are you okay?
164
00:07:43,697 --> 00:07:45,565
Maybe we should get
you a soda, Susan.
165
00:07:45,598 --> 00:07:47,767
Come on, follow me.
166
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:49,102
I guess she’s a little down
167
00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:51,071
because she’s never
won an Emmy---
168
00:07:51,104 --> 00:07:53,173
Oh, Susan..
you’re gonna win one.
169
00:07:53,206 --> 00:07:54,808
Besides, it’s just a statue.
170
00:07:54,841 --> 00:07:56,876
you know - a symbol
of excellence.
171
00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:59,512
(Laughter)
172
00:07:59,546 --> 00:08:01,648
Okay, here we are!
173
00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:05,852
Susan?
174
00:08:05,885 --> 00:08:07,320
(Laughter)
175
00:08:07,354 --> 00:08:09,456
Hey!
176
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:12,425
Susan, did you eat dinner?
177
00:08:12,459 --> 00:08:13,893
There’s plenty of
corn over here.
178
00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:15,795
(Laughter)
179
00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:18,898
Hey, everybody!
Hey, everybody!
180
00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:20,333
EmmyFight!
181
00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:23,837
(Everybody yelling)
182
00:08:23,870 --> 00:08:26,039
Come on, Susan, Emmy fight!
183
00:08:32,545 --> 00:08:34,647
Emmy fight, Susan, come on!
184
00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:39,119
(Harp music)
185
00:08:39,152 --> 00:08:42,088
Fortunately, they caught
me at the elevator.
186
00:08:42,122 --> 00:08:44,491
I was hysterical, but they
whacked me over the head
187
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,326
with an Emmy,
and now I’m fine.
188
00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:48,461
(Laughter and applause)
189
00:08:48,495 --> 00:08:49,529
Anyway---
190
00:08:49,562 --> 00:08:51,064
(Loud cheers and applause)
191
00:08:51,097 --> 00:08:52,465
we’ve got a
great show,
192
00:08:52,499 --> 00:08:54,601
with Hothouse
Flowers, so stick around,
193
00:08:54,634 --> 00:08:56,202
we’ll be right back!
194
00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:58,672
(Loud cheers and applause)
195
00:09:07,113 --> 00:09:11,885
(Music)(Cheers and applause)
196
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:28,935
Good morning.
197
00:09:29,035 --> 00:09:29,703
Good morning.
198
00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:31,137
Good morning.
199
00:09:31,171 --> 00:09:32,405
Good morning everybody.
200
00:09:32,439 --> 00:09:33,873
Yeah.
Good morning everybody.
201
00:09:33,907 --> 00:09:36,443
Oh, it sure
It’s a beautiful
day here in New
York.
202
00:09:36,476 --> 00:09:37,844
Kathy, you look very lovely.
203
00:09:37,877 --> 00:09:39,612
Well thank
you Reg.
Very outdoorsy.
204
00:09:39,646 --> 00:09:42,315
This is
- this is my California look.
205
00:09:42,349 --> 00:09:44,250
Like for sure, you know
like tag me with a spoon.
206
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:45,719
There she goes.
207
00:09:47,554 --> 00:09:48,755
She’s out of control.
208
00:09:48,788 --> 00:09:52,058
Well you snap me
out, you do.
209
00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:53,526
Okay, yeah.
Okay, okay.
210
00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:56,296
Anyway, maybe you saw the
headlines this morning about
211
00:09:56,329 --> 00:09:58,231
the man who was - who was
hit by the subway.
212
00:09:58,264 --> 00:09:59,065
Here they are, very sad.
213
00:09:59,065 --> 00:10:00,100
Sad.
214
00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:02,769
Here’s the post;
Man hit by subway.
215
00:10:02,802 --> 00:10:06,906
Here’s how the Daily News
said it, Man is hit by Subway.
216
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:10,243
And here’s Newsday,
Subway hits Man.
217
00:10:10,276 --> 00:10:11,444
Anyway, it’s a So sad.
big tragedy.
218
00:10:11,478 --> 00:10:12,979
So sad.
It’s very sad,
very sad.
219
00:10:13,013 --> 00:10:15,115
(Laughter)
220
00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:15,849
Now are you ready for this?
221
00:10:15,882 --> 00:10:17,083
Are you ready for this?
222
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:18,651
I’ve got to tell you
what happened last night.
223
00:10:18,685 --> 00:10:20,754
Oh yeah, you were at
the benefit weren’t you?
224
00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:22,589
Joy and I went to the
Waldorf at the Gala Ball.
225
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:23,923
Ooh.
226
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,959
The wife’s had me put the tux
on with the shoes
227
00:10:25,992 --> 00:10:27,093
and the combo bun.
228
00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:28,528
I don’t mind saying,
I look great!
229
00:10:28,561 --> 00:10:29,662
Oh!
230
00:10:29,696 --> 00:10:30,730
Well Good for you, Reg.
231
00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:31,998
Good for you.
232
00:10:32,032 --> 00:10:33,099
(Applause)
233
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,434
I’m telling a story.
234
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:35,669
Oh!
235
00:10:35,702 --> 00:10:36,736
Oh, great.
Anyway---
236
00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:38,138
Anyway, do we have
time for this, Gallman?
237
00:10:38,171 --> 00:10:39,773
Can the boss tell the story?
238
00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:42,275
Anyway, it’s a benefit for the
St. Catherine’s Foundation
239
00:10:42,308 --> 00:10:43,276
for the mesothiniagram.
240
00:10:43,309 --> 00:10:44,277
Oh, good cause.
241
00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:45,578
So anyway - are
you ready for this?
242
00:10:45,612 --> 00:10:46,346
(Laughter)
243
00:10:46,379 --> 00:10:47,647
Are you ready for this?
244
00:10:47,681 --> 00:10:49,616
I’m sitting down with the wife
at our reserved table,
245
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,384
because I’m a big star.
246
00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:53,953
And we’re behind this pole.
We can’t see the band!
247
00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:55,889
Oh, poor Reg.
248
00:10:55,922 --> 00:10:56,923
Now, wait a second, are
you ready for this?
249
00:10:56,956 --> 00:10:58,158
Yeah.
250
00:10:58,191 --> 00:11:00,393
I peak around this pole and
who’s got the table
251
00:11:00,427 --> 00:11:02,929
in front of i,t with a perfect
view it’s Tom Brokaw!
252
00:11:02,962 --> 00:11:05,131
Oh, well he’s
an anchorman, Reg.
253
00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:07,067
He’s number three
in the ratings.
254
00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:08,835
I’m number two,
right behind Oprah.
255
00:11:08,868 --> 00:11:10,837
He’s number three and
he’s got a great seat!
256
00:11:10,870 --> 00:11:12,605
(Laughter)
257
00:11:12,639 --> 00:11:13,773
But anyway it’s a
great cause.
258
00:11:13,807 --> 00:11:15,175
Yes, it is.
259
00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:16,876
There’s some great people down
there and I wish them well.
260
00:11:16,910 --> 00:11:17,510
Yeah.
261
00:11:17,544 --> 00:11:18,545
(Laughter)
262
00:11:18,578 --> 00:11:19,512
Okay.
263
00:11:19,546 --> 00:11:21,348
Number three in the ratings!
264
00:11:21,381 --> 00:11:24,584
(Laughter)
265
00:11:25,952 --> 00:11:29,089
Anyway, okay how
about you and Frank?
266
00:11:29,122 --> 00:11:32,625
Well, we had a very romantic
sexy dinner at home Reg.
267
00:11:32,659 --> 00:11:33,259
You’re always at home, now.
268
00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:34,861
I know.
269
00:11:34,894 --> 00:11:37,430
Well we like to eat and we like
to play with our little Cody.
270
00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:38,164
Cody, what...?
271
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:39,232
(Laughter)
272
00:11:39,265 --> 00:11:40,533
What kind of name is Cody?
273
00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:41,868
Oh, here we go.
I mean it’s a
nice name.
274
00:11:41,901 --> 00:11:43,636
Reg, no!
If you’re an
Indian, Cody!
275
00:11:43,670 --> 00:11:44,771
No, no.Welike it.
Its an Indian name.
276
00:11:44,804 --> 00:11:46,773
Okay,okay.
277
00:11:46,806 --> 00:11:49,709
Okay, Gallman’s over
there with a sad face,
278
00:11:49,743 --> 00:11:51,344
so let’s get to our first guest.
279
00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:52,178
Oh she’s lovely.
280
00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:53,246
Lovely lady, lovely lady.
281
00:11:53,279 --> 00:11:54,514
We love to have her.
282
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:57,250
Let’s bring her on the
Queen of All My Children,
283
00:11:57,283 --> 00:11:59,586
Miss Susan Lucci.
Susan Lucci!
284
00:11:59,619 --> 00:12:03,490
(Cheers and applause)
285
00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:06,593
Thank you.
286
00:12:06,626 --> 00:12:07,460
Malucci!
287
00:12:07,494 --> 00:12:08,628
Hello Regis.
288
00:12:08,661 --> 00:12:10,196
Malucci has returned.
289
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,131
Yes she looks -
290
00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:12,665
Hello again, you
look lovely.
291
00:12:12,699 --> 00:12:13,500
You look thinner.
You know you do
look thinner.
292
00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:15,435
Well, thank youYou look thinner.
293
00:12:15,468 --> 00:12:17,837
Thank you very much.
I feel great.
294
00:12:17,871 --> 00:12:19,172
I still love being
on All My Children.
295
00:12:19,205 --> 00:12:21,207
All My Children.
I did a bit on that show.
296
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:22,842
Do you remember that, Susan?
I did a bit on All My Children.
297
00:12:22,876 --> 00:12:24,077
Oh well -
298
00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:25,378
And we got that tape
down, can we roll it?
299
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:26,880
Oh, I love this.
300
00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:28,615
I love this, Reg!
Can we take a look
at this folks.
301
00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:34,688
Why, Regis Philbin.
302
00:12:34,721 --> 00:12:36,156
Very nice to meet you, Erika.
303
00:12:36,189 --> 00:12:37,824
(Laughs)
304
00:12:37,857 --> 00:12:41,194
(Laughter and applause)
305
00:12:41,227 --> 00:12:42,529
Was that great?
306
00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:45,231
(Cheers and applause)
307
00:12:46,666 --> 00:12:48,568
I thought I delivered
that pretty well.
308
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:49,769
You did.
309
00:12:49,803 --> 00:12:51,738
Calvin is over there
shaking his head.
310
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:53,606
Oh, yeah, well let’s
see Brokaw do that.
311
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,342
That’s right.
He’s number three!
312
00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:56,976
Yeah!
313
00:12:57,010 --> 00:13:00,580
Anyway, anyway you’re a
beautiful woman,
314
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:01,848
always a lot of fun.
315
00:13:01,881 --> 00:13:03,383
Susan Lucci everybody.
316
00:13:03,416 --> 00:13:04,818
Susan Lucci.
Susan Lucci.
317
00:13:04,851 --> 00:13:07,253
(Applause)
318
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:08,788
Bye.
319
00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:11,124
(Laughter and applause)
320
00:13:12,359 --> 00:13:13,893
Malucci!
321
00:13:13,927 --> 00:13:15,061
She’s wonderful.
Is she great?
322
00:13:15,061 --> 00:13:16,262
Wonderful.
A lovely, lovely lady.
323
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,064
She’s wonderful.
We love to have her.
324
00:13:18,098 --> 00:13:20,066
Yes.
Okay.
325
00:13:20,066 --> 00:13:21,634
Yes.
Yes.
326
00:13:21,668 --> 00:13:24,070
As you know there’s been a
recent outbreak of violent
327
00:13:24,070 --> 00:13:25,739
Oh, yes.
crimes in our
city.
328
00:13:25,772 --> 00:13:27,073
Especially right here,
in the Big Apple.
329
00:13:27,073 --> 00:13:28,174
Its terrible.
330
00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:29,876
It’s a very, very sad
thing, very serious.
331
00:13:29,909 --> 00:13:30,844
Frightening,
332
00:13:30,877 --> 00:13:32,545
But there are things
that you can do.
333
00:13:32,579 --> 00:13:34,114
And here with the self defense
demonstration
334
00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:37,684
from the Jerome Macky Martial
Arts School, Mr. Jerome Macky.
335
00:13:37,717 --> 00:13:38,818
Jerome Macky!
336
00:13:38,852 --> 00:13:39,919
(Applause)
337
00:13:39,953 --> 00:13:40,820
Okay.
338
00:13:40,854 --> 00:13:41,821
Welcome.
339
00:13:41,855 --> 00:13:42,655
Welcome.
340
00:13:42,689 --> 00:13:43,556
Okay.
341
00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:45,091
(Cheers and applause)
342
00:13:45,091 --> 00:13:49,662
Okay, okay now, Jerome you’re
gonna tell us what we can do
343
00:13:49,696 --> 00:13:51,264
to deal with this
horrible thing.
344
00:13:51,297 --> 00:13:53,833
Well, Regis people have to
realize that they can’t wait
345
00:13:53,867 --> 00:13:56,670
around for the cops or anyone
else to take care of them.
346
00:13:56,703 --> 00:13:58,304
That’s absolutely true Jerome.
347
00:13:58,338 --> 00:13:59,606
Unless, of course, you’re Oprah.
348
00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:00,707
Oprah gets a limo.
349
00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:02,142
Reg!
350
00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:04,444
Okay, okay we’re gonna do
a little something here.
351
00:14:04,477 --> 00:14:06,079
Okay.
Let’s do a little
something here.
352
00:14:06,112 --> 00:14:07,347
Okay.
Come on give me that
353
00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:08,481
Okay.
I want to do something.
354
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:11,117
All right, he is.
I’m out of control!
355
00:14:11,151 --> 00:14:11,951
Whoa!
356
00:14:12,052 --> 00:14:13,053
Sexy, sexy.
I’m wild.
357
00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:14,521
Now I know what
difference feels like.
358
00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:16,656
Okay. Hii - yah!
359
00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:18,058
Oh Bruce Lee.
360
00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:18,958
Bruce Lee.
361
00:14:19,059 --> 00:14:20,694
Yeah, go Bruce.
362
00:14:20,727 --> 00:14:22,062
Go, Bruce! Go!
363
00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:24,631
Hii - Yah!
Hii - Yah!
364
00:14:24,664 --> 00:14:27,100
Hii-yah!
365
00:14:27,133 --> 00:14:29,602
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
366
00:14:29,636 --> 00:14:31,838
Reg! Reg!
Ow, ow!
367
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:33,073
OReg, are you okay?
368
00:14:33,106 --> 00:14:34,074
Oh, ow, ow.
369
00:14:34,107 --> 00:14:35,075
Don’t move, don’t, don’t
370
00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:35,775
Malucci, malucci.
371
00:14:35,809 --> 00:14:37,544
Somebody get a doctor.
372
00:14:37,577 --> 00:14:38,511
Reg!
373
00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:39,546
Everybody back away.
374
00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:40,513
I’ve got his own doctor.
375
00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:42,115
I’m everywhere.
Jesus!
376
00:14:42,148 --> 00:14:43,883
Reg, reg, don’t cry,
you’ll just hurt more.
377
00:14:43,917 --> 00:14:45,085
Please don’t talk.
378
00:14:45,118 --> 00:14:46,252
Frank!
379
00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:49,289
Come on out, my
husband Frank Gifford!
380
00:14:49,322 --> 00:14:50,123
Come on.
381
00:14:50,156 --> 00:14:52,792
(Laughter and applause)
382
00:14:54,861 --> 00:14:56,496
Thanks, Kathy.
383
00:14:56,529 --> 00:14:59,799
We’re sorry Reg is hurt, but
we’ll know he’ll be back soon.
384
00:14:59,833 --> 00:15:02,535
Because that’s the kind
of competitor he is.
385
00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:04,237
What kind of name is Cody?eah.
386
00:15:04,270 --> 00:15:05,405
Ow, ow, ow!
387
00:15:05,438 --> 00:15:06,473
(Laughter)
388
00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:08,108
We’ll see you
tomorrow, everybody.
389
00:15:08,141 --> 00:15:12,579
(Music)
390
00:15:12,612 --> 00:15:16,883
(Cheers and applause)
391
00:15:22,956 --> 00:15:25,191
(Dramatic music)
392
00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:26,659
Mrs. Fleming?
393
00:15:26,693 --> 00:15:27,494
Yes?
394
00:15:29,062 --> 00:15:31,364
I’m afraid we have
some bad news.
395
00:15:31,398 --> 00:15:33,933
Bad news? What do you mean?
396
00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:35,902
I’m afraid we can’t
find your luggage.
397
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:40,440
(Even more dramatic music)
398
00:15:40,473 --> 00:15:43,076
(Man speaking)"All My Luggage".
399
00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:46,346
(Applause)
400
00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:48,815
What do you mean, you
can’t find my luggage?
401
00:15:48,848 --> 00:15:51,384
What do you mean?
Where is it?
402
00:15:51,418 --> 00:15:55,588
It’s too soon to know.. but it
is possible it was taken off
403
00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:59,092
in St. Louis - which, as
you know, is our hub.
404
00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:01,394
In that case, your
luggage could be anywhere.
405
00:16:01,428 --> 00:16:05,265
It could be in Dallas, Chicago,
Newark, Memphis, Salt Lake City,
406
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:06,433
Miami.
407
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:08,034
This isn’t happening!
408
00:16:08,034 --> 00:16:09,035
No, no, no!
409
00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:10,804
I spoke with
Customer Complaints,
410
00:16:10,837 --> 00:16:12,639
and they said they would
put a tracer on it!
411
00:16:12,672 --> 00:16:14,441
And that means my luggage will
be returned to me
412
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:16,743
by tonight, right?
413
00:16:16,776 --> 00:16:19,179
Mrs. Fleming, a tracer is
a complicated
414
00:16:19,212 --> 00:16:22,449
and time-consuming process.
415
00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:26,052
First, we have to ask youto
circle the shape of the luggage
416
00:16:26,086 --> 00:16:27,120
on this chart.
417
00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:28,621
(Laughter)
418
00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:33,293
Then we would fax it to Detroit,
Baltimore, Atlanta, Kansas City.
419
00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:35,862
So, what are
you telling us?
420
00:16:35,895 --> 00:16:40,233
(Laughter)
421
00:16:40,266 --> 00:16:41,468
I’m telling you
there’s a chance
422
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:43,803
you won’t get
your luggage this evening.
423
00:16:43,837 --> 00:16:45,238
No, this isn’t happening!
424
00:16:45,271 --> 00:16:46,673
(Laughter)
425
00:16:46,706 --> 00:16:47,974
You don’t understand!
426
00:16:48,074 --> 00:16:51,077
I change my clothes
four times a day!
427
00:16:51,077 --> 00:16:53,913
My suede skirt is in my bags!
428
00:16:53,947 --> 00:16:56,549
All my scarves, all my make-up!
429
00:16:56,583 --> 00:16:58,218
No, no, no, this
isn’t happening!
430
00:16:58,251 --> 00:17:00,020
This is not happening!
431
00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:03,156
Mrs. Fleming, we’re all praying
here that the tracer works.
432
00:17:03,189 --> 00:17:04,724
However, you may have to face
433
00:17:04,758 --> 00:17:07,327
the possibility of
shopping here, in Vegas.
434
00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:09,396
No!
435
00:17:09,429 --> 00:17:11,031
(Laughter)
436
00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:12,932
Oh, no, no!
My luggage is not lost!
437
00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:15,468
Do you understand me?
My luggage is not lost!
438
00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:16,936
Sweetheart, it’s okay.
439
00:17:17,037 --> 00:17:18,705
No, Ted, they’re wrong!
440
00:17:18,738 --> 00:17:21,041
I-I know they’re wrong!
441
00:17:21,041 --> 00:17:23,543
Don’t you dare stand there and
tell me that I have to face
442
00:17:23,576 --> 00:17:26,379
the possibility that
my luggage is lost!
443
00:17:26,413 --> 00:17:28,815
Because, I will not
face that possibility!
444
00:17:28,848 --> 00:17:30,617
I will not!
445
00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:34,587
(Laughter and applause0
446
00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:43,263
You put that tracer
through now!
447
00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:44,798
(laughter)
448
00:17:44,831 --> 00:17:46,866
And the next time
I hear from you,
449
00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:49,869
you’d better have some
information about those bags!
450
00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:51,771
(Laughter)
451
00:17:51,805 --> 00:17:54,808
(Laughter and applause)
452
00:17:54,841 --> 00:17:56,309
You cannot do this to
me, do you understand!
453
00:17:56,343 --> 00:17:58,078
You cannot do this!
454
00:17:58,078 --> 00:18:01,648
(Laughter and applause)
455
00:18:01,681 --> 00:18:02,916
Jessica!
456
00:18:03,016 --> 00:18:03,817
Ted!
457
00:18:05,285 --> 00:18:06,920
Ted, tell me it’s
all a nightmare,
458
00:18:07,020 --> 00:18:09,055
and then I’ll wake up and
they will find my luggage,
459
00:18:09,089 --> 00:18:10,623
and my luggage will
be here with me!
460
00:18:10,657 --> 00:18:12,125
My clothes will be here!
461
00:18:12,158 --> 00:18:13,393
My scarves will be here!
462
00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:14,594
My make-up will be here!
463
00:18:14,627 --> 00:18:16,196
Shhhh!
464
00:18:16,229 --> 00:18:17,630
(Man laughing)
465
00:18:17,664 --> 00:18:19,032
Jessica!
466
00:18:19,065 --> 00:18:21,368
Don’t
do this to yourself.
467
00:18:21,401 --> 00:18:23,370
Why? Why did this happen!
468
00:18:23,403 --> 00:18:25,038
Ted, why did this happen?
469
00:18:25,038 --> 00:18:26,272
Shhhh!
470
00:18:26,306 --> 00:18:27,173
Shhhh!
471
00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:30,343
(Laughter)
472
00:18:30,377 --> 00:18:33,046
The baggage handler’s
are there, darling.
473
00:18:33,046 --> 00:18:36,049
If anyone can find your
luggage, it’s them.
474
00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:39,486
But, what if they can’t?
475
00:18:39,519 --> 00:18:41,187
What if they can’t?
476
00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:42,222
Shhhh.. Shhhh---
477
00:18:42,255 --> 00:18:46,292
(Laughter)
478
00:18:46,326 --> 00:18:48,061
Look!
479
00:18:48,094 --> 00:18:50,797
Let me take you out to
the baggage area.
480
00:18:50,830 --> 00:18:52,499
I think you need some rest.
481
00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:56,536
Rest? No,
I can’t rest - not now.
482
00:18:56,569 --> 00:18:59,572
I’d like to stay here
- alone - for a minute.
483
00:18:59,606 --> 00:19:00,707
Okay?
484
00:19:04,611 --> 00:19:05,645
Okay.
485
00:19:05,679 --> 00:19:08,214
(Laughter)
486
00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:10,316
I’ll be in the baggage area.
487
00:19:11,418 --> 00:19:13,753
(Laughter)
488
00:19:20,026 --> 00:19:21,895
It’s been a long while
since I’ve prayed.
489
00:19:21,928 --> 00:19:24,230
(Laughter)
490
00:19:24,264 --> 00:19:26,533
I know it seems like the only
time I come to you,
491
00:19:26,566 --> 00:19:28,401
is when I lose my bags.
492
00:19:29,569 --> 00:19:31,471
I hope you’ll
forgive me for that.
493
00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:36,042
But, this time I had
no carry-on at all!
494
00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:39,312
Everything is in that baggage!
495
00:19:39,346 --> 00:19:43,049
Oh, God, I know I’ve
over-reacted before!
496
00:19:43,049 --> 00:19:45,518
Like the time in Phoenix, when
I left my garment bag
497
00:19:45,552 --> 00:19:47,587
on the plane, and I said there
was a bomb threat
498
00:19:47,620 --> 00:19:50,256
just so I could
get all my stuff!
499
00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:52,525
But this time, it’s different!
500
00:19:52,559 --> 00:19:56,863
I have everything
in those bags!
501
00:19:56,896 --> 00:19:58,798
Jessica Fleming!
502
00:19:58,832 --> 00:19:59,833
Yes?
503
00:20:00,967 --> 00:20:02,335
We found your bags.
504
00:20:02,369 --> 00:20:04,637
(Laughter)
505
00:20:04,671 --> 00:20:05,839
Oh, thank You.
506
00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:07,507
(Laughter)
507
00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:08,908
They’re in Milwaukee.
508
00:20:08,942 --> 00:20:10,443
(Dramatic music)
509
00:20:10,477 --> 00:20:15,582
(Crying)
No! No! No! No!
510
00:20:15,615 --> 00:20:18,752
(Cheers and applause)
511
00:20:26,526 --> 00:20:30,497
(News music theme)
512
00:20:30,530 --> 00:20:32,465
(Don Pardo speaking)And now "Weekend Update"
513
00:20:32,499 --> 00:20:34,734
with anchorperson,Dennis Miller.
514
00:20:34,768 --> 00:20:38,872
(Loud cheers and applause)
515
00:20:43,843 --> 00:20:45,879
Good evening and
what can I tell you?
516
00:20:45,912 --> 00:20:47,914
As of midnight
last night,
517
00:20:47,947 --> 00:20:50,717
the U.S. government
ran out of money.
518
00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:53,887
A full government shutdown
is expected on Tuesday.
519
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:57,123
White House spokesman Crazy
Marlin Fitzwater said,
520
00:20:57,157 --> 00:20:59,893
"After 214 years we’re
closing our doors!
521
00:20:59,926 --> 00:21:01,861
Everything must go,
this is it!"
522
00:21:01,895 --> 00:21:03,897
(Laughter)
523
00:21:03,930 --> 00:21:06,366
Congress has been spending long
hours this week
524
00:21:06,399 --> 00:21:08,368
trying to find a way out
of the budget crisis.
525
00:21:08,401 --> 00:21:11,805
Amongst the dozens of interim
proposals, was one
526
00:21:11,838 --> 00:21:14,174
by New York senator
Alphonse D’Amato
527
00:21:14,207 --> 00:21:16,810
to burn down the capital
for the insurance money.
528
00:21:16,843 --> 00:21:19,446
(Laughter)
529
00:21:19,479 --> 00:21:24,484
Now, that joke’s odd.
530
00:21:27,687 --> 00:21:31,558
Sorry, a little behind
the scenes editing here.
531
00:21:31,591 --> 00:21:35,328
This week 72 kings, presidents,
and prime ministers concluded
532
00:21:35,362 --> 00:21:38,264
the UN world summit on
conference on children.
533
00:21:38,298 --> 00:21:40,967
After two days of debating,
the largest gathering
534
00:21:41,001 --> 00:21:43,103
of international leaders
determined that there are
535
00:21:43,136 --> 00:21:46,172
a lots of children in the world
and the majority of them
536
00:21:46,206 --> 00:21:47,540
are quite young.
537
00:21:47,574 --> 00:21:49,709
(Laughter)
538
00:21:49,743 --> 00:21:53,013
Here, now with an explanation on
the Motion Picture Association
539
00:21:53,113 --> 00:21:56,683
of America’s new NC -17 rating
is our very own, Mr. Subliminal.
540
00:21:56,716 --> 00:21:58,485
Welcome, Mr. Subliminal.
541
00:21:58,518 --> 00:22:01,221
(Cheers and applause)
542
00:22:06,226 --> 00:22:07,127
Thank you, Dennis.
543
00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:11,664
Homovery simply the NC - 17
544
00:22:11,698 --> 00:22:14,367
rating means the movie contains
545
00:22:14,401 --> 00:22:16,903
serious mature adult
themes. Hot sex.
546
00:22:16,936 --> 00:22:19,239
Now, a lot of these movies
547
00:22:19,272 --> 00:22:21,775
are by artistic legitimate
filmmakers - perverts.
548
00:22:21,808 --> 00:22:25,445
And it will you know also
prohibit children 17 and under
549
00:22:25,478 --> 00:22:27,147
from seeing them - sneak in.
550
00:22:27,180 --> 00:22:29,683
And the ushers by the
way can stop them
551
00:22:29,716 --> 00:22:31,084
right at the front
door - back door.
552
00:22:31,117 --> 00:22:35,689
Now to preview these current
ratings G of course means
553
00:22:35,722 --> 00:22:37,090
general admission - boring.
554
00:22:37,090 --> 00:22:40,527
PG, means Parental
Guidance - boobs.
555
00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:43,697
PG - 13 means
no one under 13
556
00:22:43,730 --> 00:22:45,465
without parental
guidance - big boobs.
557
00:22:45,498 --> 00:22:49,436
And R means Restricted - hardnipplesand, of course---
558
00:22:49,469 --> 00:22:51,204
(Laughter)
559
00:22:51,237 --> 00:22:53,473
the X rating - clothespins
recently replaced
560
00:22:53,506 --> 00:22:57,844
with NC- 17 - same
thing indicates once again
561
00:22:57,877 --> 00:23:01,915
serious mature adult themes,
donkeyswith possible uh,
562
00:23:01,948 --> 00:23:04,384
graphic situations and
violence - tie me up.
563
00:23:04,417 --> 00:23:07,387
Now personally, personally
I never went
564
00:23:07,420 --> 00:23:09,155
to an X - rated
movie - rent them.
565
00:23:09,189 --> 00:23:10,090
I have you know---
566
00:23:10,123 --> 00:23:11,958
(Laughter and applause)
567
00:23:12,058 --> 00:23:15,829
I like
to think that you know,
568
00:23:15,862 --> 00:23:17,330
I like to think that I have
better things to do
569
00:23:17,364 --> 00:23:18,365
with my time - strip clubs.
570
00:23:18,398 --> 00:23:19,666
Now, back to you Dennis.
571
00:23:19,699 --> 00:23:21,701
Thank you, Mr. Subliminal.
572
00:23:21,735 --> 00:23:22,669
Thank you.
573
00:23:22,702 --> 00:23:25,638
(Loud cheers and applause)
574
00:23:27,540 --> 00:23:28,575
Mr. Subliminal.
575
00:23:31,578 --> 00:23:33,480
Thank you, Mr. Subliminal.
576
00:23:33,513 --> 00:23:34,614
How did he know I was gay?
577
00:23:34,647 --> 00:23:35,448
You know---
578
00:23:35,482 --> 00:23:36,883
(Laughter)
579
00:23:36,916 --> 00:23:39,619
The Supreme Court nominee Judge
David Suter was confirmed
580
00:23:39,652 --> 00:23:42,722
this week in the senate,
by a 90 to 9 vote.
581
00:23:42,756 --> 00:23:45,625
Liberal democrat had their
doubts about Suter questioning
582
00:23:45,658 --> 00:23:48,194
how many significant decisions
he had to make
583
00:23:48,228 --> 00:23:49,896
as a New Hampshire judge.
584
00:23:49,929 --> 00:23:53,299
Suter’s most important decision
was, of course the landmark case
585
00:23:53,333 --> 00:23:54,501
the State of New Hampshire
586
00:23:54,534 --> 00:23:56,269
vs. the Guy
with the Toboggan.
587
00:23:56,302 --> 00:23:59,239
(Laughter)
588
00:23:59,272 --> 00:24:03,543
Hey, sometimes first
dates just don’t work out.
589
00:24:03,576 --> 00:24:05,078
(Laughter)
590
00:24:05,111 --> 00:24:07,781
And the House passed a bill
yesterday that would allow
591
00:24:07,814 --> 00:24:10,316
prisoners on death row to
appeal their sentences
592
00:24:10,350 --> 00:24:12,118
on the grounds
of racial discrimination.
593
00:24:12,152 --> 00:24:15,088
Here, with a comment is our own
crime correspondent, Chris Rock,
594
00:24:15,121 --> 00:24:16,089
Welcome, Chris.
595
00:24:16,122 --> 00:24:20,727
(Cheers and applause)
596
00:24:23,430 --> 00:24:24,631
Thank you Dennis.
597
00:24:24,664 --> 00:24:26,933
Uh, I was watching Heraldo
the other day
598
00:24:26,966 --> 00:24:29,669
and he had a special
on Live from Death Row.
599
00:24:29,703 --> 00:24:31,204
Two hours of psychos
600
00:24:31,237 --> 00:24:33,073
and not one black guy
in the whole special.
601
00:24:33,073 --> 00:24:35,842
You know why ’cause black
people are not crazy.
602
00:24:35,875 --> 00:24:37,610
I mean, black people
do stupid things.
603
00:24:37,644 --> 00:24:40,413
Black people snatch rope
chains, and rob liquor stores.
604
00:24:40,447 --> 00:24:42,382
So black people
generally aren’t crazy.
605
00:24:42,415 --> 00:24:44,617
When you watch the news and hear
that somebody got their head
606
00:24:44,651 --> 00:24:47,520
chopped off or somebody drank
their blood and they used
607
00:24:47,554 --> 00:24:48,888
their toes to play pool with.
608
00:24:48,922 --> 00:24:50,090
(Laughter)
609
00:24:50,123 --> 00:24:51,591
Chances are that
was a white guy.
610
00:24:51,624 --> 00:24:53,093
(Laughter)
611
00:24:53,093 --> 00:24:54,761
Now the old lady kicked out of
a flight of stairs
612
00:24:54,794 --> 00:24:57,397
for welfare check, black guy.
613
00:24:57,430 --> 00:24:59,099
But, when you hear
the newscaster go,
614
00:24:59,099 --> 00:25:02,268
"And then he cut out her eyes
and use them as click - clacks.
615
00:25:02,302 --> 00:25:04,304
(Laughter)
616
00:25:04,337 --> 00:25:05,705
That was a white guy.
617
00:25:05,739 --> 00:25:07,040
(Laughter)
618
00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:09,342
No need to waste for
a film on that one.
619
00:25:09,376 --> 00:25:11,878
That’s one thing we all do no
matter how liberal
620
00:25:11,911 --> 00:25:13,913
you think you are, you wait for
the film to see
621
00:25:13,947 --> 00:25:15,615
what color of the guy
was that did the crime.
622
00:25:15,648 --> 00:25:17,183
I don’t know white people
watch the films like,
623
00:25:17,217 --> 00:25:19,853
"Yeah, I bet heis a black guy. Watch, watch"
624
00:25:19,886 --> 00:25:21,621
"Come in here honey, come inhere watch this, watch this.
625
00:25:21,654 --> 00:25:22,655
"See, I told you.
626
00:25:22,689 --> 00:25:24,324
I told you he’s a black guy".
627
00:25:24,357 --> 00:25:25,759
Meanwhile, black
people are like,
628
00:25:25,792 --> 00:25:27,927
"Please don’t let it bea black guy, please.
629
00:25:27,961 --> 00:25:29,396
(Laughter)
630
00:25:29,429 --> 00:25:32,932
I want to go to workin peace, please."
631
00:25:32,966 --> 00:25:34,601
You o to work the next
day your boss is like,
632
00:25:34,634 --> 00:25:36,536
"So did you knowWayne Williams?"
633
00:25:36,569 --> 00:25:39,072
(Laughter)
634
00:25:45,612 --> 00:25:47,147
Basically what I’m trying
to say is that,
635
00:25:47,180 --> 00:25:48,948
we all don’t know each other.
636
00:25:48,982 --> 00:25:49,816
Thank you Dennis.
637
00:25:49,849 --> 00:25:51,151
Thank you Chris Rock.
638
00:25:51,184 --> 00:25:52,452
Yeah.
639
00:25:52,485 --> 00:25:53,286
Thanks, Chris.
640
00:25:53,319 --> 00:25:55,722
(Cheers and applause)
641
00:25:55,755 --> 00:25:56,656
Okay great.
642
00:25:58,291 --> 00:25:59,559
Yeah!
643
00:25:59,592 --> 00:26:02,495
David Duke, the ex - head of
the Ku Klux Clan a leader
644
00:26:02,529 --> 00:26:05,699
of the American Nazi Party
is running for the senate
in Louisiana
645
00:26:05,732 --> 00:26:07,701
which held a primary
election today.
646
00:26:07,734 --> 00:26:10,270
You can’t say Duke didn’t give
it his all, even went so far
647
00:26:10,303 --> 00:26:12,806
as to have cosmetic facial
surgery to make himself
648
00:26:12,839 --> 00:26:14,374
a more electable candidate.
649
00:26:14,407 --> 00:26:16,776
This is the current
photo of David Duke.
650
00:26:16,810 --> 00:26:18,712
And here we see a photo of Duke
when he was
651
00:26:18,745 --> 00:26:20,747
with the Ku Klux Clan.
652
00:26:20,780 --> 00:26:22,649
Ouch.
653
00:26:22,682 --> 00:26:24,751
Maybe we missed the point about
why he wore
654
00:26:24,784 --> 00:26:25,752
a sheet over his head huh?
655
00:26:25,785 --> 00:26:27,087
(Laughter)
656
00:26:27,120 --> 00:26:31,224
You know, much of the covert
material used to incriminate
657
00:26:31,257 --> 00:26:33,793
Duke as a former leader of the
Ku Klux Klan was taken from
658
00:26:33,827 --> 00:26:36,663
the tape recordings made by an
undercover member of the FBI
659
00:26:36,696 --> 00:26:39,566
who specially suited to
infiltrate the Ku Klux Klan.
660
00:26:39,599 --> 00:26:41,368
It was special agent
Beldar who moves
661
00:26:41,401 --> 00:26:43,670
smoothly amongst
the Klan members.
662
00:26:43,703 --> 00:26:48,641
And every media outlet In the
United States seemed to have
663
00:26:48,675 --> 00:26:50,276
a story this week about
Alise Olson,
664
00:26:50,310 --> 00:26:52,612
New England Patriot
Affair in the locker room.
665
00:26:52,645 --> 00:26:54,748
The television show A
Current Affair
666
00:26:54,781 --> 00:26:57,450
naturally covered it in
it’s inimitable manner.
667
00:26:57,484 --> 00:26:59,753
(Weird noise)(Man speaking): So long!
668
00:26:59,786 --> 00:27:01,654
(Laughter)
669
00:27:01,688 --> 00:27:07,060
And the highly watched PBS
series on the Civil War
670
00:27:07,093 --> 00:27:08,561
ended this week.
671
00:27:08,595 --> 00:27:11,431
For those of you who missed the
final episode, the North won.
672
00:27:11,464 --> 00:27:15,301
And this is three year
old Seth Kannis
673
00:27:15,335 --> 00:27:17,437
of Hutchinson, Kansas
who has shown
674
00:27:17,470 --> 00:27:18,938
an amazing ability to learn.
675
00:27:19,039 --> 00:27:20,607
He can recite the
Greek Alphabet,
676
00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:23,176
count in three languages,
and can operate a computer.
677
00:27:23,209 --> 00:27:25,311
Seth has now so much
stuff in his head
678
00:27:25,345 --> 00:27:27,881
that he has to hold it
up with his right hand.
679
00:27:27,914 --> 00:27:29,916
This week it was announced that
a new cologne is coming out,
680
00:27:29,949 --> 00:27:31,284
Elvis Cologne.
681
00:27:31,317 --> 00:27:33,787
It will come in two sizes, the
young Elvis per size
682
00:27:33,820 --> 00:27:35,455
or the Old Elvis, 10 gallon fat.
683
00:27:35,488 --> 00:27:39,159
And now, here with the
commentary is Grumpy Old Man.
684
00:27:39,192 --> 00:27:40,193
Welcome, Grumpy Old Man.
685
00:27:40,226 --> 00:27:42,062
(Yelling)
Hey, hey!
686
00:27:42,095 --> 00:27:44,764
(Cheers and applause)
687
00:27:44,798 --> 00:27:46,332
Hey!
688
00:27:46,366 --> 00:27:49,202
I’m old and I’m not happy.
689
00:27:50,570 --> 00:27:54,841
Everything to do improved
an I don’ like it.
690
00:27:54,874 --> 00:27:57,644
I hate it!
691
00:27:57,677 --> 00:28:02,615
In my day we didn’t
have hair dryers.
692
00:28:02,649 --> 00:28:05,285
If you want to blow dry
your hair
693
00:28:05,318 --> 00:28:08,321
you stood outside,
during a hurricane.
694
00:28:08,355 --> 00:28:11,324
Your hair was dry but you got a
sharp piece of wood
695
00:28:11,358 --> 00:28:13,360
driven clear through your skull.
696
00:28:13,393 --> 00:28:15,295
And that’s the way it
was and you like it.
697
00:28:15,328 --> 00:28:16,396
You’ll loved it.
698
00:28:16,429 --> 00:28:19,132
Whoopy, I ’m a human
head kabob!
699
00:28:19,165 --> 00:28:20,900
(Laughter)
700
00:28:22,836 --> 00:28:25,338
And we didn’t have
Minoxidol
701
00:28:25,372 --> 00:28:27,374
and hair weaves.
702
00:28:27,407 --> 00:28:31,044
In my day, if your hair started
falling out when you was 16
703
00:28:31,077 --> 00:28:34,481
by 19 you were a bald freak.
704
00:28:34,514 --> 00:28:37,817
There was nothing
you can do about it.
705
00:28:37,851 --> 00:28:41,187
Children would spit at you and
no woman would mate with you
706
00:28:41,221 --> 00:28:44,524
so, you couldn’t pass on your
disgusting baldness gene.
707
00:28:44,557 --> 00:28:45,759
(Laughter)
708
00:28:45,792 --> 00:28:48,862
You’re a public menace, a chrome
dome at age 20
709
00:28:48,895 --> 00:28:50,697
and that’s the way it was,
and we liked it!
710
00:28:50,730 --> 00:28:52,265
We loved it!
711
00:28:52,298 --> 00:28:56,369
Hallelujah I’m a bald
freak; ohh, happy days.
712
00:28:56,403 --> 00:28:57,704
(Laughter)
713
00:28:57,737 --> 00:28:58,872
Ahh!
714
00:28:58,905 --> 00:29:01,808
(Cheers and applause)
715
00:29:01,841 --> 00:29:06,312
Not like today, everybody
feeling good about themselves.
716
00:29:06,346 --> 00:29:07,614
(Laughter)
717
00:29:07,647 --> 00:29:09,416
I hate it!
718
00:29:09,449 --> 00:29:14,354
In my day, we didn’t have
these thin latex condoms.
719
00:29:14,387 --> 00:29:16,289
(Laughter)
720
00:29:16,322 --> 00:29:19,225
So, you could enjoy
sexual pleasure.
721
00:29:19,259 --> 00:29:23,029
In my day, there was
only kind of condom;
722
00:29:23,029 --> 00:29:26,232
you took a rabbit skin and wrap
it around your privates
723
00:29:26,266 --> 00:29:28,368
and tie it off with
a bungee cord.
724
00:29:28,401 --> 00:29:30,503
(Laughter)
725
00:29:30,537 --> 00:29:33,306
And you couldn’t feel nothing.
726
00:29:33,340 --> 00:29:35,041
And half the time you
didn’t even know
727
00:29:35,075 --> 00:29:37,143
if your partner was there.
728
00:29:37,177 --> 00:29:41,381
And we use the same one
over and over again.
729
00:29:41,414 --> 00:29:43,817
’Cause we were inbred morons.
730
00:29:43,850 --> 00:29:46,286
Just a bunch of headless
hairless head kabobs standing
731
00:29:46,319 --> 00:29:48,054
around with a rabbit’s
skin on our dinks
732
00:29:48,054 --> 00:29:49,923
and that’s the way it was,
and we liked it.
733
00:29:49,956 --> 00:29:52,726
(Cheers and applause)
734
00:29:52,759 --> 00:29:53,593
Oh, my God.
735
00:30:00,367 --> 00:30:01,601
Wow!
736
00:30:01,634 --> 00:30:02,802
Thank you, Grumpy.
737
00:30:02,836 --> 00:30:04,738
(Cheers and applause)
738
00:30:04,771 --> 00:30:07,374
Yeah, grumpy old man.
739
00:30:08,875 --> 00:30:11,845
Saddam Hussein this week
reacting to his public relations
740
00:30:11,878 --> 00:30:14,914
experts in Iraq who said that if
he was going to appear so much
741
00:30:14,948 --> 00:30:17,050
on TV, he should at least make
an effort to make himself
742
00:30:17,083 --> 00:30:18,418
a little more presentable.
743
00:30:18,451 --> 00:30:21,154
Change his hairstyle,
and trim his moustache.
744
00:30:21,187 --> 00:30:23,089
Guess what folks,
that’s the news.
745
00:30:23,123 --> 00:30:25,558
And I am out of here.
746
00:30:25,592 --> 00:30:31,364
(News music theme(Cheers and applause)
747
00:30:36,670 --> 00:30:38,872
(Soft music)
748
00:30:38,905 --> 00:30:42,275
(Man speaking)And now Deep Thoughts
749
00:30:42,308 --> 00:30:44,444
by Jack Handey.
750
00:30:47,280 --> 00:30:51,217
(Man speaking)I guess of all my uncles, Ilike Uncle Caveman the best.
751
00:30:51,251 --> 00:30:54,521
We called him Uncle Caveman,because he lived in a cave.
752
00:30:54,554 --> 00:30:57,357
And because sometimeshe’d eat one of us.
753
00:30:57,390 --> 00:30:59,859
Later on, we foundout he was a bear.
754
00:30:59,893 --> 00:31:04,264
(Soft music)(Soft laughter)
755
00:31:04,297 --> 00:31:07,434
(Cheers and applause)
756
00:31:07,467 --> 00:31:09,536
(Music)
757
00:31:09,569 --> 00:31:10,970
(Don Pardo speaking)Look at this studio,
758
00:31:11,071 --> 00:31:13,573
filled with fabulouscash and prizes!
759
00:31:13,606 --> 00:31:15,775
All yours forthe taking on.
760
00:31:15,809 --> 00:31:17,077
"Game Breakers"!
761
00:31:18,445 --> 00:31:21,948
And here’s yourhost, Jack Logan!
762
00:31:21,981 --> 00:31:24,851
(Cheers and applause)
763
00:31:30,890 --> 00:31:33,426
Thank you, and welcome
to "Game Breakers"!
764
00:31:33,460 --> 00:31:34,728
Thank you, Don Pardo!
765
00:31:34,761 --> 00:31:37,564
And welcome to our returning
champion - Margaret Fletcher!
766
00:31:37,597 --> 00:31:38,865
Thank you, Jack!
767
00:31:38,898 --> 00:31:40,834
Now, let’s meet your challenger.
768
00:31:40,867 --> 00:31:43,336
All the way from PineValley - Erica Kane.
769
00:31:43,370 --> 00:31:44,504
Hello, Erica.
770
00:31:44,537 --> 00:31:47,340
(Cheers and applause)
771
00:31:47,374 --> 00:31:49,009
Hello, Jack!
772
00:31:49,109 --> 00:31:51,378
Now, Erica, it says here you’ve
been married eight times?
773
00:31:52,479 --> 00:31:55,582
Yes, but only
six were legal!
774
00:31:55,615 --> 00:31:58,318
And I understand that you, at
one time piloted
775
00:31:58,351 --> 00:32:01,187
a helicopter to rescue
someone from prison?
776
00:32:01,221 --> 00:32:03,823
Oh! Well, I was only trying
to break my lover out of jail,
777
00:32:03,857 --> 00:32:05,892
I do wish I hadn’t
told you that!
778
00:32:05,925 --> 00:32:07,093
And---
779
00:32:07,127 --> 00:32:09,829
you’ve been kidnapped,
survived a plane crash,
780
00:32:09,863 --> 00:32:13,333
stared down a grizzly bear, you
have your own line of cosmetics,
781
00:32:13,366 --> 00:32:15,368
and you’re the editor
of a major magazine.
782
00:32:16,703 --> 00:32:18,138
I try to keep busy!
783
00:32:18,171 --> 00:32:20,674
(Laughter)
784
00:32:20,707 --> 00:32:22,075
Alright.
785
00:32:22,075 --> 00:32:24,911
Margaret, you’re the mother
of two, and what do you do?
786
00:32:24,944 --> 00:32:27,080
Well, I work in the home.
787
00:32:27,080 --> 00:32:31,351
(Laughter)
788
00:32:32,886 --> 00:32:35,088
And I’m sure you’re all
familiar with our game!
789
00:32:35,088 --> 00:32:36,589
Oh, yes, I am, Jack!
790
00:32:36,623 --> 00:32:38,625
I watch you every day!
791
00:32:38,658 --> 00:32:40,894
And I hope you won’t think that
I’m being too forward
792
00:32:40,927 --> 00:32:42,429
if I tell you that
think you just have
793
00:32:42,462 --> 00:32:45,765
such a commanding
presence!
794
00:32:45,799 --> 00:32:47,100
No, that’s very nice!
795
00:32:47,100 --> 00:32:49,002
(laughter)
796
00:32:51,104 --> 00:32:54,140
(Laughter)
797
00:32:54,174 --> 00:32:56,309
Alright, let’s play!
798
00:32:56,343 --> 00:32:59,479
Don Pardo, tell them
what they’re playing for!
799
00:32:59,512 --> 00:33:03,583
(Don Pardo speaking)This beautiful bedroomsuite from Brayhill!
800
00:33:04,884 --> 00:33:05,952
Alright.
801
00:33:06,052 --> 00:33:07,253
Margaret, you’re the champion,
802
00:33:07,287 --> 00:33:09,289
so, why don’t you pick
a category for us.
803
00:33:09,322 --> 00:33:12,058
"American Presidents"for 200, Jack!
804
00:33:12,092 --> 00:33:13,793
"He was the only President
805
00:33:13,827 --> 00:33:16,463
to serve two
non-consecutive terms."
806
00:33:16,496 --> 00:33:17,564
(Buzzer)
807
00:33:17,597 --> 00:33:18,898
Grover Cleveland!
808
00:33:18,932 --> 00:33:21,601
Oh, Jack.. I.. uh..
excuse me, but.. I just..
809
00:33:21,634 --> 00:33:23,737
I couldn’t get my
buzzer to work.
810
00:33:23,770 --> 00:33:27,073
Could you show me, perhaps,
what I was doing wrong?
811
00:33:27,073 --> 00:33:28,241
Well, it’s simple.
812
00:33:29,309 --> 00:33:31,878
You just put your
hand on the button.
813
00:33:31,911 --> 00:33:34,714
Oh, look at how much larger
your hand is than mine!
814
00:33:34,748 --> 00:33:36,483
(laughter)
815
00:33:37,851 --> 00:33:40,153
You have an artistic
streak, don’t you?
816
00:33:41,654 --> 00:33:43,857
Why, yesss.. yes, I do.
817
00:33:45,892 --> 00:33:47,594
Just put your hand on
the button, like this.
818
00:33:47,627 --> 00:33:48,328
(Buzzer)
819
00:33:48,361 --> 00:33:48,928
Grover Cleveland!
820
00:33:48,962 --> 00:33:50,130
Corect!
821
00:33:50,163 --> 00:33:52,098
And Erica picks up 200 points!
(Laughter)
822
00:33:52,098 --> 00:33:53,633
And control of the board!
823
00:33:53,667 --> 00:33:54,634
Excuse me, Jack!
824
00:33:54,668 --> 00:33:55,935
I, I---
825
00:33:55,969 --> 00:33:58,004
I will take "Bodies ofWater" for 400, please!
826
00:33:58,104 --> 00:34:02,409
"Which of the Great Lakes is
located entirely in the U.S.?"
827
00:34:02,442 --> 00:34:03,343
(Buzzer)
828
00:34:03,376 --> 00:34:04,911
Lake Michigan!
829
00:34:04,944 --> 00:34:07,547
Oh, Jack look, I’m sorry, I
don’t mean to be a problem,
830
00:34:07,580 --> 00:34:10,116
but I pressed my buzzer
too late that time.
831
00:34:10,150 --> 00:34:11,618
Could I do it again?
832
00:34:11,651 --> 00:34:14,487
Well, there are rules.
833
00:34:14,521 --> 00:34:16,523
Please?
834
00:34:16,556 --> 00:34:19,492
O-o-okay.. "Which of the
Great Lakes is located..?"
835
00:34:19,526 --> 00:34:20,093
(Buzzer)
836
00:34:20,126 --> 00:34:20,894
Lake Michigan!
837
00:34:20,927 --> 00:34:22,062
That’s corect!
838
00:34:22,095 --> 00:34:24,097
(Laughter)
839
00:34:24,130 --> 00:34:25,732
(Thinking)What’s happening to me?
840
00:34:25,765 --> 00:34:27,701
Am I losing allsense of fairness?
841
00:34:27,734 --> 00:34:28,668
I’m a game show host.
842
00:34:28,702 --> 00:34:30,770
I’ve got to be impartial.
843
00:34:30,804 --> 00:34:35,642
But, God help me, she’s themost fascinating woman I’veever met.
844
00:34:35,675 --> 00:34:37,077
Excuse me, Jack?
845
00:34:37,077 --> 00:34:39,646
I-I-I believe that I-I
rang in before Erica did!
846
00:34:39,679 --> 00:34:43,083
Well, Margaret, isn’t there achance that you could be wrong?
847
00:34:43,083 --> 00:34:44,951
Well, I think.. I think I
ought to know
848
00:34:44,984 --> 00:34:46,553
when I rang my own buzzer, Jack!
849
00:34:46,586 --> 00:34:47,620
Please.
850
00:34:47,654 --> 00:34:50,290
Margaret, it’s Erica’s turn.
851
00:34:50,323 --> 00:34:52,492
"Show Business" for 500, Jack!
852
00:34:52,525 --> 00:34:55,562
"He won an Oscar for ’Marty’."
853
00:34:55,595 --> 00:34:56,663
(Buzzer)
854
00:34:56,696 --> 00:34:58,832
Oh, um.. it’s on the
tip of my tongue.
855
00:34:58,865 --> 00:35:00,200
(Time out buzzer)
856
00:35:00,233 --> 00:35:00,867
Ernest---
857
00:35:00,900 --> 00:35:02,168
Ernest Borgnine!
858
00:35:02,202 --> 00:35:03,837
Corect, for 500!
859
00:35:03,870 --> 00:35:05,438
(Laughter)
860
00:35:05,472 --> 00:35:07,040
Jack, those are my
500 points!
861
00:35:07,073 --> 00:35:09,242
I know, I said Ernest
Borgnine first!
862
00:35:09,275 --> 00:35:10,944
Margaret, you’re lying.
You know you are.
863
00:35:11,044 --> 00:35:13,380
No! I’m not lying!
864
00:35:13,413 --> 00:35:15,949
Margaret, you’re tired and
you’re desperate to win,
865
00:35:16,049 --> 00:35:16,783
and you’re lying.
866
00:35:16,816 --> 00:35:17,650
No!
867
00:35:17,684 --> 00:35:19,085
I’m not lying, Erica!
868
00:35:19,119 --> 00:35:21,421
I rang in, and I started
to say Ernest Borgnine---
869
00:35:21,454 --> 00:35:23,757
Oh, you started to
say Ernest Borgnine!
870
00:35:23,790 --> 00:35:25,358
I hope everyone is listening
here---
871
00:35:25,392 --> 00:35:27,861
you started to say
Ernest Borgine?
872
00:35:27,894 --> 00:35:29,796
I love it! You are so
pathetic, Margaret!
873
00:35:29,829 --> 00:35:32,132
You and your tissue of lies!
874
00:35:32,165 --> 00:35:35,535
Those are my 500 points, Erica
Kane, and I want them back!
875
00:35:35,568 --> 00:35:37,437
(Yelling at each other)
876
00:35:37,470 --> 00:35:39,973
Mrs. Fletcher! Please!
877
00:35:40,073 --> 00:35:41,207
She tried to hurt me, Jack!
878
00:35:41,241 --> 00:35:42,776
It’s just that I know that I
rang my buzzer in
879
00:35:42,809 --> 00:35:43,677
before she did, Jack!
880
00:35:43,710 --> 00:35:45,745
I know that, I did!
881
00:35:45,779 --> 00:35:46,946
Leave her alone, Margaret.
882
00:35:46,980 --> 00:35:49,215
(laughter)
883
00:35:49,249 --> 00:35:50,850
Haven’t you done enough,
already?
884
00:35:52,085 --> 00:35:53,720
Well.. I-I-I know that-
885
00:35:53,753 --> 00:35:54,587
Don.
886
00:35:54,621 --> 00:35:55,622
Let’s take a break.
887
00:35:55,655 --> 00:35:57,657
Alright, Jack!
888
00:35:57,691 --> 00:36:00,527
Transportation for "GameBreakers" is provided by
889
00:36:00,560 --> 00:36:01,861
TransEastern Airlines.
890
00:36:01,895 --> 00:36:04,330
At Transeastern, wedon’t love to fly,
891
00:36:04,364 --> 00:36:06,366
but we keep the feeling hidden.
892
00:36:06,399 --> 00:36:09,235
While in Los Angeles,contestants stay at
893
00:36:09,269 --> 00:36:10,570
Sleep ’N Save!
894
00:36:10,603 --> 00:36:12,539
Sleep ’N Save, because everyhotel room
895
00:36:12,572 --> 00:36:15,041
looks the same in the dark.
896
00:36:15,041 --> 00:36:18,044
Oh, God, we’re back.
897
00:36:18,044 --> 00:36:21,281
And, Erica you have
control of the board.
898
00:36:23,049 --> 00:36:25,318
"World Capitals" for 300.
899
00:36:25,352 --> 00:36:27,087
(Bell rings once)
900
00:36:27,120 --> 00:36:29,889
"It’s called The City of Light."
901
00:36:31,358 --> 00:36:32,158
Paris!
902
00:36:32,192 --> 00:36:34,694
(Bell rings)
903
00:36:34,728 --> 00:36:36,796
You’re right.
904
00:36:36,830 --> 00:36:38,498
You’re so very right.
905
00:36:38,531 --> 00:36:40,300
Yoo-hoo! Jack! Hello?
906
00:36:40,333 --> 00:36:42,168
(Laughter)
907
00:36:42,202 --> 00:36:43,636
Could you speak up?
908
00:36:43,670 --> 00:36:46,406
I can’t - I can’t hearso well from here!
909
00:36:46,439 --> 00:36:48,675
"World Capitals"
for 600!
910
00:36:48,708 --> 00:36:49,843
Oh. Okay.
911
00:36:51,845 --> 00:36:53,079
"Argentina".
912
00:36:53,079 --> 00:36:55,081
Buenos Aires!
913
00:36:55,081 --> 00:36:56,483
Jack! I know the answer!
914
00:36:56,516 --> 00:36:57,650
(Buzzer)
915
00:36:57,684 --> 00:36:58,618
Buenos Aires!
916
00:36:58,651 --> 00:37:00,253
(Buzzer)
917
00:37:05,759 --> 00:37:08,028
Some members of our studioaudience will receive
918
00:37:08,028 --> 00:37:12,032
Party Improver; invite PartyImprover to your next party,
919
00:37:12,065 --> 00:37:15,135
and watch your party improve.
920
00:37:15,168 --> 00:37:19,372
And Tick-Off; simply the finesttick repellent money can buy -
921
00:37:19,406 --> 00:37:22,942
and Tick-Away, itschief competitor.
922
00:37:23,043 --> 00:37:25,045
Jack, back to you.
923
00:37:25,045 --> 00:37:26,379
Thank you, Don.
924
00:37:26,413 --> 00:37:29,749
We’re back, and Erica still
has control of the board
925
00:37:29,783 --> 00:37:33,586
and she’s about to make me the
happiest man in the world.
926
00:37:35,055 --> 00:37:39,426
Will the bride and the
groom please join hands?
927
00:37:39,459 --> 00:37:42,462
(Laughter)
928
00:37:42,495 --> 00:37:45,498
(Thinking)She’s the most fascinatingwoman I’ve ever seen!
929
00:37:47,067 --> 00:37:48,368
We’re ready.
930
00:37:48,401 --> 00:37:49,736
Don’t do this, Jack!
931
00:37:49,769 --> 00:37:51,571
She’s only using you!
932
00:37:51,604 --> 00:37:55,075
If any man here knows any
reason why these two
933
00:37:55,075 --> 00:37:58,845
should not be joined in holy
matrimony, speak now.
934
00:37:58,878 --> 00:38:01,114
You have fifteen seconds.
935
00:38:01,147 --> 00:38:04,918
(Ticking bell)
936
00:38:05,018 --> 00:38:07,787
I believe I havean objection!
937
00:38:07,821 --> 00:38:10,290
(Applause)
938
00:38:12,092 --> 00:38:13,026
Gene!
939
00:38:16,296 --> 00:38:18,365
Yes.
940
00:38:18,398 --> 00:38:23,136
Yes, Mrs. Erica Kane
Martin-Brent-Carnegie-Chandler
941
00:38:23,169 --> 00:38:26,039
Montgomery-Montgomery-Rayburn!
942
00:38:29,342 --> 00:38:31,111
Gene, what are you doing here?
943
00:38:31,144 --> 00:38:33,913
I was in town taping
" Circus of the Stars"!
944
00:38:35,482 --> 00:38:39,719
I believe you’ve met my
friends, Siegfried & Roy!
945
00:38:39,753 --> 00:38:43,089
(Laughter)
946
00:38:44,591 --> 00:38:49,095
(Music)
947
00:38:51,264 --> 00:38:52,966
You’re very clever, Rayburn.
948
00:38:53,066 --> 00:38:54,567
But it won’t work!
949
00:38:54,601 --> 00:38:56,503
I’ll have Erica
Kane for my wife,
950
00:38:56,536 --> 00:38:59,172
and nothing and no
one will stop me!
951
00:38:59,205 --> 00:39:02,442
( Cuguar roaring)
952
00:39:06,012 --> 00:39:08,081
(Screaming)
I am Erica Kane!
953
00:39:08,114 --> 00:39:08,848
Oh, my God!
954
00:39:08,882 --> 00:39:10,450
No!
955
00:39:10,483 --> 00:39:14,387
Tune in tomorrow for anotherepisode of "Game Breakers".
956
00:39:14,421 --> 00:39:17,023
This is Don Pardo speaking.
957
00:39:17,023 --> 00:39:19,459
(Cheers and applause)
958
00:39:22,395 --> 00:39:24,864
(Soft music)
959
00:39:24,898 --> 00:39:28,234
(Man speaking)And now Deep Thoughts
960
00:39:28,268 --> 00:39:31,237
by Jack Handey.
961
00:39:31,271 --> 00:39:34,040
(Seagulls)
962
00:39:34,040 --> 00:39:36,042
Is there anything morebeautiful
963
00:39:36,042 --> 00:39:38,645
than a beautiful,beautiful flamingo,
964
00:39:38,678 --> 00:39:42,282
Flying across, in frontof a beautiful sunset?
965
00:39:42,315 --> 00:39:45,251
And he’s carrying abeautiful rose in his beak,
966
00:39:45,285 --> 00:39:46,686
and also he’s carrying
967
00:39:46,720 --> 00:39:49,289
a very beautifulpainting with his feet.
968
00:39:49,322 --> 00:39:51,191
And, also, you’re drunk.
969
00:39:51,224 --> 00:39:56,863
(Laughter and applause)
970
00:40:05,605 --> 00:40:07,374
I’d like to thank
everybody here.
971
00:40:07,407 --> 00:40:08,842
I thank Hothouse
Flowers, Gene Rayburn.
972
00:40:08,875 --> 00:40:10,443
Thank you.
973
00:40:10,477 --> 00:40:13,546
This wonderful cast and crew
here at Saturday Night Live.
974
00:40:13,580 --> 00:40:15,648
I had the best time of my life.
975
00:40:15,682 --> 00:40:17,817
And this audience,
what an audience!
976
00:40:17,851 --> 00:40:18,785
Thank you.
977
00:40:18,818 --> 00:40:23,056
(Cheers and applause)
978
00:40:23,089 --> 00:40:26,693
(Music)
70790
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