All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S16E01.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

[IRAQI music]

You are watching Iraqi
State Television.

The following is an unedited
address by the President

of the United States,
George Bush.

Good evening.

Now, first of all, I’d like
to thank the Iraqi government,

for giving me this second
opportunity to talk
to the Iraqi people.

You know, when I last spoke
to you a few weeks back,

apparently I failed to convey
how seriously the United States

views the illegal
seizure of Kuwait down there.

[audience laughing]

My mistake, I believe,
was in using the vague,

euphemistic code words
of international diplomacy.

So, tonight I’m gonna speak
to you in the kind of language

that every Arab, every Iraqi,
can understand.

You see, your leader,

the godless liar, Saddam Hussein

is nothing more than a hyena

[audience laughing]

in the skin of a lion.

He thinks to frighten
us, like sheep,

with his loud braying...

Nah gah do it!

[audience laughing]

America’s no sheep waiting
to be seized by a hyena!

Rather, it’s a great scorpion
which deals a deadly sting

to those who would crush it!

Stinging! Stinging! Stinging!

[audience laughing]

You know, I’ve been in close
consultation with Speaker Foley,

Senator Dole
and Mitchell over there,

in that place where
they are down there!

And, like me, they agree:
the American people
are not afraid of war.

They don’t fear death,
but rather welcome death

as a glorious martyrdom.
The reward of those

who die in battle for
the one true God, Jesus Christ!

[audience laughing]

And yourleader, the hyena,
Saddam Hussein,

thinks he can climb into
the pit with the American cobra,

and charm it with the music
of his lies.

But remember, Mr. Hussein:
the venom of the American cobra

spits far and true!

Not spittin’ yet
wouldn’t be prudent!

[audience laughing]

But, rest assured,
that cobra will strike!

[audience laughing]

As the prophet has written:

[speaks in Iraqi]

[audience laughing]

"Your children shall
wander aimlessly.

There reason shall desert them,
and they shall not know

where there fathers’ bones
are buried."

You know, this summer I was up
in Kennebunkport, Maine,

relaxing, in that
relaxation mode,

while our armies,
our great armies, lay poised

on the brink of a great war.

My wife, Bar, turned to me,
and what she said

speaks for Americans everywhere.

"Jackals," said Bar.

"Jackals will slake their thirst
on the blood of Iraqi soldiers,

and their entrails shall stink
in the sun and be food
for hogs!"

[audience laughing]

So, to sum up: Hussein, lion’s
clothing, really a hyena;

America, both a scorpion
and a cobra;

[audience laughing]

jackals, slaking their thirst,

entrails stinking,
food for hogs.

Good night!

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

You have been listening to
an address by the President
of the United States.

Here, with an analysis, are:

Tadir Havadabadi,

Malid Haziz Amani,

and Amad Havim Adabadi.

Tadir, how do you
think Bush did?

I was impressed.

This was a new George Bush.

A mad man I think
we can deal with.

Malid?

Well, after his first speech,
Bush desperately needed a hit.

Tonight, I think he got
a home run. I do, I do.

Amid?

I was especially struck by
the part about our children

not knowing
where are bones are buried.

I’ve got several grandchildren,

I want them to know
where my bones are buried!

This has been Iraqi State TV’s
special coverage of an address

by the President
of the United States.

Later tonight, "Kojak".

[audience laughing]

This week, Kojak is cornered
by members of the mob.

But, first: "Live, from New
York, it’s Saturday Night!"

[audience cheering]

[music]

[Announcer:]
It’s Saturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Dennis Miller.

Mike Myers.

Kevin Nealon.

With Chris Farley.

Chris Rock.

And featuring Al Franken.

G.E. Smith and
the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest,
Sinead O’ Connor.

And starring Kyle McLachlan.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Kyle McLachlan.

[audience applauding]

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Nice to be here, and
it’s an honor to be hosting

the opening show
of Saturday Night Live.

Well, one of the reasons any
actor wants to host this show is

in order to show another side
of his talent and personality.

And in my case since
most of you probably know me

from the eccentric character
I played on "Blue Velvet" and...

[audience cheering]

Thanks.

And of course, Agent
Cooper from "Twin Peaks".

[audience cheering]

I was especially anxious
for you to see

what I’m like as a person.

So this may seem a little
unusual, I don’t know
if they’ve done this before,

but I thought I’d open up
the floor to any questions

you might have about me.

So, yeah?

Yeah, um.. where you from?

Yakuma, Washington.

[audience laughing]

Yeah?

Is your name pronounced
Mac - clock - land?

It’s Mac - loc - land, close.

It’s Scottish.

Yeah.

Uh, yeah, this isn’t so much
a question about you,

but I’m a big "Twin Peaks" fan,
and I was kind of wondering:

are we going to find out this
year who killed Laura Palmer?

Yeah, it’s...

Uh, it’s Shelly
the waitress, and uh.

[audience laughing]

They’re going to reveal that
in the last episode, so...

Any more questions, or..?

Okay. Look, we’ve got
a great show tonight.

Sinead O’Connor is here.

[audience cheering]

Oh, Kyle?

- Kyle?
- Yeah?

Kyle, could you come to
the control room for a moment?

There’s a phone call for you.

Yeah okay.

Um.. excuse me.

[audience laughing]

It’s David Lynch.

[audience laughing]

David! Hey, are you watching?

Well, what do you think?

[barks unintelligible slur
of words]

Well, he asked me.
What am I supposed to do, lie?

How long have you
been in this business?

I’ve been in the business for
6 years, David. You know that.

[unintelligible
barking of slur words]

[audience laughing]

Well, what good would it be
to tell.. it’s Shelly, David.

I mean the episode’s been shot.
It’s Shelly, okay.

I mean, they’re going
to find out eventually.

I KNOW THAT!

STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!
DON’T TELL ANY MORE!

[ barks unintelligible orders ]

Yes. Okay.

Yes, sir. Yes, yes sir.

Okay, I understand.
Okay, I’ll try.

DO IT! GET OUT OF HERE!

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

Uh.. uh..

Excuse me, I..
Uh.. I want to say one thing.

Earlier, when I made the joke
about Shelly the waitress

killing Laura Palmer,
I.. I just wanted to make sure

that you all knew
that it was a joke.

And, uh.. I mean, obviously
I wouldn’t come out here and...

And tell you that, uh.. uh..
that it was real and,

uh.. and ruin my chances
of being in the second season.

I mean, only a real idiot
who never wanted to work
in Hollywood

who deserves
a real big spanking,

would.. uh.. would do such
a stupid thing like that.

So, anyway, we’ve got
a great show, so stick around,

we’ll be right back.

[audience cheering]

Hey, we’ve got our apartment.
We ripped up the floors,
pipes, wiring,

and having everything
completely redone.

- You’re renting, right?
- Yeah.

Well, he’s an ex free-base
addict,

he’s trying to turn around,
and he needs a place to stay
for a couple of months.

Head’s up!

Now that I have kids, I feel
a lot better having a gun
in the house.

Hey, I thought about it,
and even though it’s over,

I’m going to tell my
wife about the affair.

I don’t know the guy,
but I’ve got two kidneys
and he needs one, so I figured.

Normally I wear protection,
but then I thought,

"When am I gonna make it back
to Haiti?"

[Narrator:]
Bad Idea Jeans.

- Hey, you guys ready?
- Yeah.

Let’s bet!

A hundred bucks.. Ow!

All right, let’s make that 200!
200 bucks!

[audience cheering]

[music]

[Announcer:]
And now, "Weekend Update" with
anchorperson Dennis Miller.

[audience cheering]

Thank you. Good evening,
and what can I tell you?

This week, President Bush

addressed the joint meeting of
the International Monetary Fund,

and kept four balls in the air
for a good 30 seconds.

[audience laughing]

Also this week, the Bush
administration doubled
the estimated cost

of bailing out the failed
Savings & Loan industry,

and now say it will cost
a staggering $130 billion

over the next five years.

$130 billion!

Can you really grasp
what that figure means?

Let me put this
in layman’s terms for you:

if the United States only had
one person, he’d have to kick in

$130 billion!

[audience laughing]

Thank you.

[audience applauding]

Move over here now.

In his address to the joint
session of Congress last week,

President Bush said, "It’s
about time we crack down

on the aggression
of Saddam Hussein."

In keeping with that challenge,
sitting right next to
Vice-President Quayle,

behind the President,
was none other than the leader

of the Dirty Dozen, Lee Marvin.

[audience laughing]

At the UN this week,
the meeting of the general
assembly

degenerated when
the deposed Emir of Kuwait,

Sheik Jabar al Amad al Sabab,
began delivering a speech,

and other unruly general
assembly members began playing

Ring Toss with his head.

[audience laughing]

As of tomorrow, September 30th,
the Pentagon’s price tag

on its Persian Gulf operation,
known as Desert Shield,

is $2.5 billion.

Don’t they know they don’t have
to use the Desert Maxi-Shield,

they could save a little money
and use the Stay-Free Desert
Mini-Shield!

[audience laughing]

As more and more troops
arrive in Saudi Arabia,

the military spirit
has caught on,

and a new marching song has
emerged as the battle hymn
of the 90’s:

* "It’s Saudi Doody time!" *

[audience applauding]

Dan Rather...

Ted Koppel, Bryant Gumbel all
have distinguished themselves,

reporting from the Middle East
during the current Gulf crisis.

Weekend Update has dispatched
our own one-man mobile-uplink
unit Al Franken to the Gulf.

And we go now live
to Al in Saudi Arabia,

where it is about noon. Al?

Hello, Al?

Dennis, I am here
on the Arabian peninsula,

panning now with
my Sony KB-2000,

which is mounted on my
steadicam harness

and I’m beaming my signal with
my 1.3 meter parabolic antenna

up to a satellite back down
to you, at 30...

Al, you look terrible.

Uh.. yes, Dennis..
I.. am lost.

And I’m gonna push in now
with my Sony KB-2000

to show the effects
of five days of blistering sun

with nothing to drink..
but my own.. urine.

Oh, Al! That’s terrible!

Uh, yes, Dennis
about five days ago,

my high-mobility multi-purpose
vehicle ran out of gas.

I’m gonna pan over there now,
it’s a very difficult maneuver

because the dehydration
and 120° heat has left me

in a weakened state.

So weak, in fact, that I am not
absolutely certain whether

I am actually, uh talking to you
or simply hallucinating.

You are talking to me, Al,
you’re talking to me.. Well..

I.. I hope so, Dennis.

Al, maybe we can get a fix on
your location by triangulating
your signal.

I-I-I.. love you, too, Dennis.

I love you all.

In fact I’m crying now.

There are no tears as such
due to the severe dehydration.

Just hold on, Al!

Dennis.. don’t worry
everything’s going to be fine.

- You know why?
- Why Al?

Because I... I’m gonna
go to sleep now, Dennis.

- No, Al! Do not go to sleep!
- It’s time to sleep.

It’s not time to sleep!
Fight it, Al!

We’re losing him. Al?
We lost him.

Al, wake up!

Oh my God.

No. No. No.

Shoo! Shoo!

[audience laughing]

Aw, nooo.

This is terrible!

[audience applauding]

This is as bad as
I’ve ever seen.

All we can do is hope
for some kind of a miracle.

[audience laughing]

In response--

[audience applauding]

In response to the increasing
number of communist leaders

deposed in recent months, a lime
Ohio manufacturer has come up

with a new device to help
deposed leaders
in their time of need.

It’s called
the Over Throw Alert.

My regime has fallen
and I can’t get up!

[audience laughing]

Supreme Court nominee
Judge David Suter was the guest

of baseball commissioner
Faye Vincent this week
at a Baltimore Oriole game,

where he was asked
to throw out the first ball

and the Roe vs. Wade decision.

On the left is de Klerke.. and
on the right is just plain Duh!

[audience laughing]

You know, something happened
over the summer I felt we just

had to comment on: can you
believe Washington mayor
Marion Barry got off?

You know, it’s surprising,
because I’ve heard

that when you do that much blow,
you can’t get off.

[audience laughing]

You know...

She’d look really good if she’d
take off those damn glasses!

[audience laughing]

Michael Dukakis has announced
that he may run again

for President of the United
States, whereupon every citizen

in the state of Massachusetts
simultaneously said,
"Yeah, right!"

Ronald and Nancy Reagan
were traveling last week
throughout Europe

and visited Berlin, where it was
the former president’s job

to go back to the hotel and
help Nancy take off her make-up.

[audience laughing]

Out in Hollywood this week,
the Motion Picture Association

abandoned its controversial
X rating in favor

of a new category meaning
No Children Under 17,
to be called NC-17.

And today they announced
an additional category: IQ-80.

[audience laughing]

PBS, to kick off its new season,
announced a new five-night
series,

that will depict a woman
with sixteen personalities all
in mortal conflict.

"The Sybil War" will appear
Sunday through Thursday

on your local PBS affiliate.

Everybody’s wondering
who killed Laura Petrie.

I think it was Mel Cooley.

Or maybe Pickles.

Last week, in the New York
Times, Leona Helmsley

took a full-page ad to publish
an open letter
to Saddam Hussein,

condemning him for calling
his captive hostages

in Kuwait and Baghdad
"guests" of his country.

Leona went on to say,
"I’ve been in the hotel business

for over 25 years;
I know guests.

These people are not guests;
they’re employees!

[audience cheering]

And the Rev. Al Sharpton
recently moved to New Jersey’s
suburbs,

and everybody in New Jersey
moved to Manhattan.

Guess what, folks?
That’s the news.

[audience cheering]

So that’s, eh, one kilt,
one Loch Ness Monster,

and one bottle
of Bell’s Scotch whiskey.

That comes to $222.27, please.

There you go.
Thank you very much.

- Thank you.
- Great store, by the way.

You just sell
Scottish things here?

That’s right!
All Things Scottish.

Our slogan is, if it’s
no’ Scottish, it’s crap!

[audience laughing]

Help yourself to
a piece of haggis.

- Thanks very much.
- There you go ... all righty.

- Bye-bye now.
- Bye-bye.

[bagpipes door chime]

[audience laughing]

[bagpipes door chime]

Welcome to All Things Scottish.
If it’s no’ Scottish, it’s crap!

Can I help you?

It’s a shot in the dark,
but I was wondering,

do you have these coasters?

They’re plaid, and they have
Jackie Stewart’s head on them.

Box of six or twelve?

Twelve! That’s great.

- $17, please.
- $17, okay.

Listen, I love
the way you talk.

- Oh, thank you very much.
- Yeah.

Okay, thanks a lot. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Oh, "It’s a bare
breed nicht tinicht"!

It sure is. All righty.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye now.

[bagpipe door chimes]

You’re late! Get your kilt on!

Dad, I’m not wearing
a stupid kilt!

you’ll wear it or you’ll get
a kick in the face,
y’little bastard!

Dad we live in America now!
No one else wears kilts!

I know no one else wears kilts,
but then no one else is Scottish
either!

You’ll wear it and
you’ll like it!

I dun’ know,
I’ll kill you, son.

You’re a dead man now,
ya bastard!

- You make me laugh, wee man.
- That’s it!

Say goodbye to life!

Me mum wouldn’t made
me wear a stupid kilt!

Oh, don’t bring up yer mother!
No fair, bastard!

I LOVE YOU!

I LOVE YOU, SON!

It hurts! It HURTS!

I’m sorry.

I’ll wear the kilt.

Aww, bringing up yer
mother like that!

Ya know, I just, I get
so emotional, it herts!

All righty, look, we’ve got this
shipment of Sean Connery’s, uh..

...autobiography.

Would you mind
displaying them please?

And by the way, where were you?

- Golfin’.
- Magic!

[bagpipe door chimes]

Welcome to All Things Scottish.

Me name’s Angus. Can I help yoo?

Sure, Angus, I’d like to get
something Scottish for my dad,

like a little leprechaun.

A leprechaun?

Well ... leprechauns
are, in fact, Irish.

Oh ... Irish, Scottish,
it’s the same thing.

Oh, it’s the same thing, is it?

HAVE A LOOK AT THE MAP!

There’s scotland! there’s
Ireland! There’s the bloody sea!

They’re different, now get out!

Get out! Get out,
Mrs. No-can-read-a-map!

GET OUUUUUT!

[audience cheering]

[audience applauding]

Dad, I hate it when you shout
at the customers like that!

Besides, she was cute!

Listen to me, you’ve no’ got
time to go galavanting

with every cheap dolly girl
that comes into this store!

Knock on wood!

If anything should happen to me,
you’ve got to take over
this store!

Dad, I don’t want to
take over this shop.

What?

Dad, I said I don’t want
to take over this store.

You’ve just committed
patricide, son.

Oh, Dad, don’t be so dramatic!

Stick me in a long boat!
Set it ablaze!

Poosh me out to sea!

Dad, we’ve been in
America for ten years!

Everything’s so bloody Scottish!

We should sell
something American!

- Oh aye? Like what?
- Pizza.

Pizza? That’s Italian!

It’s what Americans eat,
not blood sausage or suet pie,
ya tube!

It’s like all of Scottish
cuisine’s based on a dare!

[audience laughing]

You’re startin’ to
get insulting, son!

Well, maybe you
deserve to be insulted!

Well, maybe you deserve
to be put through
a plate glass windah!

Shame on you, talkin’ like that!

You’d nae’ be talkin’ like
that if Mum was aroond!

Oh, don’t bring up
yer mother, bastard!

I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!

I love you, Dad!

I love you, it herts! It HERTS!

I know it hurts.
It hurts me too.

- I LOVE YOU!
- I LOVE YOU!

- Okay, we’ll add pizza.
- Great, Dad.

All Things Scottish and Pizza.

All right, hold on here, just
so we’re clear, all right,

we serve pizza,
you take over the store?

- That’s right.
- Magic.

And I don’t have
to wear the kilt.

Oh, you’re a sneaky
slimy bastard.

And you’re a stupid old man!

That’s it! Pick a window!
Pick a window to go through!

Oh, look at you!

Your wee head’s about
to burst like a tomato!

Oh, I’m gonna rip off your
head and spit in yer neck!

Tell that to Mum!

Ow, I LOVE YOU!

- I love you too!
- I LOVE YOU!

[audience cheering]

* Oh, the campfire is glowing. *

* Evening purple
shadows drifting by. *

* Just another twilight
on the cattle trail. *

* Underneath
the huckleberry sky. *

* And the cattle a’ lowing. *

* ’Cause they don’t know
where they’re going. *

* They’re heading down the trail
To Kansas City boys. *

* And they’re gonna lose
their heads and die. *

* Working hi, hi, ho,
get along little doggy. *

* You’re gonna lose
your head and die. *

* You’re gonna lose
your head and die. *

* Oh they take
your little doggy. *

* Single file
they walk you through a door. *

* An automated treadle
brings a collar down. *

* Then you won’t be
moving anymore. *

[audience laughing]

* A conveyor belt
will run you. *

* To where a bolt through
your skull will stun you *.

* Then they cut your feet
off with hydraulic shears. *

* And take you
to the killing floor. *

* Would be tie yay yoo,
get along little doggy. *

* You’re going
to the killing floor. *

* You’re going
to the killing floor. *

* And then they cut from
his sternum to his uvula. *

* Uvula. *

* And the heart
continues pumping *

* while his blood
continues dumping. *

* Till he’s dead. *

* Then the cleaner men
inspect them. *

* Stick a hot probe
up their rectum. *

[audience laughing]

* And process that’s used
now and then. *

* But not commercially
widespread. *

* Go to sleep little doggy. *

* Put your little
worries on the shelf. *

* Tomorrow afternoon
it will be a tough one, boy. *

* Get some rest
and think of something else. *

* Oh you walk to Kansas City. *

* And you have
this cowboy’s pity. *

* But someone had to lead
you to the slaughterhouse. *

* ’Cause you’d never
make it by yourself. *

* Go to sleep,
go to sleep little doggy. *

* Put your mind
on something else. *

* Go to sleep, *

* go to sleep little doggy. *

* Go to sleep. *

[cow mooing]

[audience applauding]

[audience cheering]

Hi, I’m k.d. lang.

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

And thanks for listening.

Thank you very much.
I had a blast!

This is the greatest time.
Thank you to Sinead O’ Connor.

[audience cheering]

Good night everybody!

[music]