All language subtitles for Columbo.-.Murder.Is.A.Parlor.Game.english.ST.DVD.en

(Morly)
As a young constable
at Scotland Yard,

we were taught that we had
101 powers of arrest

It soon appeared that
our criminal adversaries,
however,

had 1,001
powers of resistance

I intend to share all of these
with you delightful ladies

And to comfort you
in the knowledge

that each and every one of you

is a walking arsenal

[women laughing]

Night has fallen

An attacker attacks

You have nothing
but an umbrella

How shall I defend thee?

Let me count the ways

[women giggling]

A rapier?

[women gasping]

A saber?

A jabber?

[women gasping]

A grabber?

Oh

[women laughing]

Steady, love

Now, Mrs
Uh, Miss

Miss Steinhardt? Your keys

Deadly keys, lethal keys

held thus and raked across
your assailant's face

A slash, a gash,

[women gasping]

after which I advise you
to beat a hasty retreat

[women laughing]

Now, lets have a look
at this little bag
of tricks here

Ooh

It's heavy, Chief Inspector

It is heavy,
Mrs, uhuh, Columbo

It's very heavy

It is a weapon
It's a mace Use it as such

[exclaiming]

[women squealing]

[women laughing]

A resounding slap
across the villain's ear

Oh

And speaking of mace,

let me introduce you
to the more contemporary Mace

An evilsmelling

and blinding gas

[women exclaiming]

[women coughing]

It's not very nice, is it?

Well, I'll tell you more
about this kind of mace
when next we meet,

but in the meantime,

with your permission, madam,

may I delve deeper
into your arsenal?

[clearing throat]

What have we here?

Oh

[laughing]

How embarrassing

A recently published book
on the subject of murder

Seven Who Beat The Headsman

by lan A Morly,
an obscure genius

[women laughing]

A detective chief inspector,
retired

I advise each of you ladies

to buy a copy
at your local bookstore

Under no circumstances
visit the public library

Here's another weapon,
a plastic card

Stiff as steel and sharp
as a knife

A slashing blow
across the face should do
very nicely indeed

[screeching]

[women exclaiming]

From this, I deduce

deduce that Mrs Columbo
is either a burglar

or a journalist

A burglar, because it
should do very nicely
for popping locks

A journalist,
because it appears
to be a press card

Oh, for The Weekly Advertiser

Our neighborhood newspaper

If you roll it up,
it makes a terrific weapon

[women laughing]

Very impressive

There

I have you, Mrs Columbo
Oh

You are in my power

What are you going to do?

Spray you with gas,
Chief Inspector

I think you've
just been Maced

With a fountain pen, madam?

[sighs]

[women laughing]

In that case,
would you autograph
your book for me?

With pleasure

"For my fellow author

[laughs]
"and

"deadly

adversary"

[all laughing]

Mr Carmichael?

Yes?

My name is Morly

Chief Inspector
How good of you to visit me
Do come in

I'm so pleased
you accepted my invitation

May I take your coat?

Thank you

I must admit your
telephone call intrigued me

I hoped it would

Your fire's very welcome

Yes, it is

As I told you,
I enjoyed your book immensely

Would you care for brandy?

Please

Here you are

Thank you

Mmmhmm

A compendium of seven
true and perfect murders

Oh

You might have called it

Seven Who Got Away With It

I considered that title
Cheers

Perhaps for my next book,

if I can manage
to research all the material

You promised me
an appropriate case

I hope you'll find it
as fascinating
as your own collection

Especially
The Murder of Lilli Corday

I must admit
I enjoyed that one myself

Tell me about your murderer

Who was the victim?

[clicking]

You are

Indeed

[clearing throat]

[gasps]

Oh, my

llt's not that

that Carmichael? Is it really?

Lilli's Carmichael?

Poor Lilli's murder

All those years ago

I was We were
all under the impression

that you had
drowned in the Thames
the night the police came

to arrest you for a murder
you never committed

A murder you committed

Whatever gave you that idea?

From your book
of perfect murders

A common prostitute

was rather cleverly murdered

by a rising young politician

when she threatened
to expose their relationship

The police mistakenly assumed,

because of your
own relationship with Lilli,

that you had killed her

You shattered my life

I intend to shatter yours,
Chief Inspector

My dear fellow,

I wasn't

even on the case

You can hardly imagine that
I would have put Lilli's death

into my book
if I were the murderer

No, my dear Mr Carmichael

Your argument is absurd,
and I can prove that

beyond a shadow of doubt
if you'll kindly refrain

from squeezing that trigger
for 30 seconds,

whilst I, uh

Is it all right
if I write on this?

All your sufferings
might have been spared

[gasping]

[grunting]

[gun firing]

[groans]

Oh, my

Hello?

Uh, my name is Carmichael

I'm in
the Country Club Apartments

Can you help me?
II don't want to live

I don't want to die

ll'm afraid

I want to live

I want to die

(woman on phone)
Hello? Hello? Can you hear me?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello? Can I help you?

Hello?

[gun firing]

[police siren wailing]

Oh, my

[gasping]

[door opening]

(Boone)
How do I know
where to take him?

Wherever you take suicides,
that's where you take him

All right boys,
all wrapped up

You can go eat now

Why, Chief Inspector Morly

Oh, Mrs Columbo

Isn't it?

I was, uh, just

They've all left

Apparently

Are you helping them?
The police

Oh, no, no, no,
just the responses
of an old warhorse

I received
a telephone call from this,
uh, Mr Carmichael

Oh, his name wasn't
really Carmichael

Excuse me?

I mean he just rented
the apartment under
the name of Carmichael,

but his real name
was Saunders

That's what his
identification said

That's what Sgt Boone said

Well, uh, I'm afraid
I wasn't acquainted

with this, uh,
Carmichael, Saunders
or whatever his name was

I, uh, understand
the poor fellow shot himself

He said he had
some valuable material
for my new book,

so I arranged to meet him here
in his apartment

It isn't his apartment

Excuse me?

There's nothing in there

I mean, he just rented it
but he never moved in

I found this

[laughs]

There must be a mate
to it somewhere

He burned it

Excuse me?

In the fireplace

Ugh, do you smell it?

Mmm, it's very strong

I asked Sgt Boone

why somebody who was going
to commit suicide

would burn his rubber

Sgt Boone said
he didn't want to discuss it

But do you have a theory?

Uh, no, I'm afraid not

Did you, um,
know the deceased?

Oh, no, no,
nothing like that

The call came in while I was
at the police station

for my, uh, my newspaper

The Weekly Advertiser

Oh, it's just parttime

Mostly when my daughter's
in school

Fascinating work

Mmm

I write a lot about how
the PTA is trying
to raise money

II must admit
I'm looking forward
to a cup of tea

We don't get many murders

Murders?

I mean,
if it isn't suicide

Why wouldn't it be suicide?

It's these paintings

This one
and that one over there

There's something
wrong with them

But I'm sure
you'll get it right away,
Chief Inspector

They're just, uh,
inexpensive reproductions

There's nothing very
special about them

No, it's this darker area

Don't you think
that's interesting?

Is it?

Well, there must have been
a bigger picture here

Like that one

And that one
belongs somewhere else

Yes, you're possibly right
That's nicely deduced

Mrs Columbo,
would you join me
in a cup of tea?

I know a nice tearoom
Very English

Oh, I'd love to
But just look,
Chief Inspector

When I tried hanging
this painting over there

Youyou did?

look what I found

It's a bullet hole
I think it's a bullet hole

Well, it is
Isn't it a bullet hole?

It certainly appears
to be a, uh,

a bullet hole

Oh, I'm so glad,
because I left a message
for Sgt Boone

[laughing]
You did indeed?

How wonderful of you

You're quite a detective,
Mrs Columbo

[laughing]
Oh, why, thank you,
Chief Inspector

I'm gonna tell my boss
you said that

Oh, there's one more thing

Mrs Columbo Tea

It's this painting

There's something else
wrong with this painting,
don't you think?

Is there?
II don't quite see it

You see how the light's
coming from this side?

You see how the artist
painted it that way?

Yes, I doMrs Columbo

But he painted this shadow,
this way

Why would he paint
the shadow like that?

The painter
you're referring to,
Mrs Columbo, was Rembrandt

The painting, I believe,
is called The Officer

Rembrandt painted The Officer
over 300 years ago

The mystery is forever
and irretrievably buried

Even for a sleuth
of your own formidable powers

Tea, Mrs Columbo

I think you're making
charming conversation,

but you're really thinking
about that bullet hole

I must admit,

you've read my mind,
Mrs Columbo

Just consider this
poor chap Carmichael

Saunders

Oh, Saunders, Carmichael,
just consider him

sitting on the edge
of an emotional precipice

Does he want to live,
does he want to die?

What is it like?
What will it feel like?

What will it sound like?

So, experimentally,

he looses off a bullet
into the wall

And then
switches the paintings
and covers it up

The bullet hole
in the wall is proof

that he intended
to kill himself

But, at that

At that very moment,
he changed his mind

And so he switched
over the paintings

to cover up the evidence
of his shattered will

Oh, that's very perceptive,
Chief Inspector

Merely a suggestion

May I make a suggestion?

I'm sure you will,
Mrs Columbo

Someone else
could have been in the room

He fired the shot
and he missed

Or maybe
Carmichael fired the shot

and then the other guy
got the gun and killed him

Murder

It's just a suggestion

Why did he telephone
his intention
to commit suicide?

And what about
the, uh, galosh

The rubber in the fireplace?

Chief Inspector

I think you really are going
to help the police

I bet you're enjoying yourself
more than you want to admit

I'm having the time
of my life, Mrs Columbo

[muttering]

(Jenny on intercom)
Mommy, now hear this

Now hear what?

Do I get to say
good night to daddy?

Not unless you plan
to stay up till 3 o'clock
in the morning

What are you doing?

I am writing about a lady
who got to be 95 years old

by drinking sauerkraut juice

Can we play a game?

I've got a better idea,
honey

Let's play a game

What kind of game?

Word game
Yes, no, or maybe

Hmm

A man's locked in his room

in his own house,

and he can't get out Why?

Is he in the cellar?

No

Is he alone in the house?

Yes

The man is very rich
and the house is very big
and the room is an elevator,

and the elevator's stuck
between the floors

You knew it

We played it last month,
dopey

You do one

Okay

It's raining outside

The man is in a room
with a fireplace

And he's very sad

And he burns one of his
rubbers in the fireplace

Why?

Is anybody else in the room?

I don't know

Yes, no, or maybe

Maybe

Hmm

It's freezing cold,
and he doesn't have
anything else to make a fire

[laughs]

No

He wants to play
a trick on somebody?

Maybe

Hmm

His mother made him
burn his rubbers

so he wouldn't wear them
in the house

[laughing]
That's ridiculous

Then what's the answer?

I don't know, honey

That's a dumb game

It's a gotosleep game

There isn't any answer,

and you have
to think about it,
and it makes you go to sleep

Good night

(Jenny)
Oh, Mom?

Huh?

I think he just wanted it
to make a bad smell,

like Walter did when
he burned the beach ball

Is that what Walter did?

He's funny

He's very good at games

Good night,
you little blueeyed wonder

Dumb game

[birds chirping]

For Emily, my love

Why, dear, oh

And one for Mrs Columbo

Oh, damn

lan

lll'm dreadfully sorry

II seemed to have
pricked my thumb

Oh, come, come say hello

How very nice
to see you again

Oh, thank you, sir

You looked so content
out there, we couldn't bear
to disturb you

We've been
getting along famously

I'm going to teach
Mrs Columbo how to make
my lime marmalade,

and she's going to teach me
how to make, uh, dum sim

Dim sum
Chinese dumplings

What splendid news

(Mrs Columbo)
I've got better news
than that, Chief Inspector

You are going to be delighted

Am I?

(Emily)
There you are, dear

Did you know that
Mrs Columbo is married
to a police lieutenant?

No, I didn't know that

Homicide He works Central

We must all
get together sometime

Now, Mrs Columbo,
tell me the good news

Remember the burned rubber?

The rubber
Oh, the galosh

(Emily)
Inin the fireplace, dear

Mrs Columbo's
been telling me

Carmichael's galoshes

No, no, Saunders, dear

I think somebody burned it
to try and cover up

a smell in the room

Uh, you can't be serious

That's what
Sgt Boone said

But then he examined
the body again
and guess what he found?

(Emily)
lan, you'll never believe it

Carmichael had a false beard

Aa false beard?

And under the beard,
traces of tear gas

(Emily)
TThat must've been
the smell, dear

Have some marmalade

Oh, that is really
terrific marmalade

But the teargas smell,

maybe that's what the murderer
was trying to cover up

Tear gas
Uh, murderer

It's really all
very confusing

Sgt Boone
thinks so, too

He says a man
named Saunders

Oh, did I tell you?

He worked as a waiter
at the Piccadilly Music Hall

A waiter at the, uh
No

Sgt Boone says,
the way he sees it,

Saunders rented
a furnished apartment

under the name of Carmichael
to commit suicide

He burned his rubber
in the fireplace,

fired a shot into the wall,

switched the paintings,
called the police

and said
he didn't want to live,

he didn't want to die,
he wanted to die,

he wanted to live,
and shot himself

Then he squirted himself
in the face with tear gas

and put on a false beard

Really, lan
Does that sound like suicide?

It's certainly very bizarre

You will have
to work on it, dear

Oh, please,
Chief Inspector

It would make
such a terrific story
for The Weekly Advertiser

Ladies, I promise
on my solemn oath

to know no peace
until I have disposed
of the strange death,

of Mr Carmichael

(Emily)
Saunders, dear

[laughs]

Sauerkraut juice?
300 words on sauerkraut juice?

Well, it's not the juice
It's the lady's 95 years old

She still jogs

Mrs Columbo,

everybody that breaks 90
has a recipe for longevity

[phones ringing]

Back on the Memphis Gazette,
I met a 93yearold man,

who did the trick
with stewed banana peels

[typewriter clacking]

Slice the sauerkraut lady
in half,

and I'll take 200 words
on the lavender fireplugs

Yes, Mr Alden

Don't you think

I never think

I bought
a neighborhood newspaper
we give away for nothing

Does that sound
like a guy that thinks?

You got any more questions?

What's OS tear gas?

Why?

Sgt Boone said
they found OS tear gas
underneath Carmichael's beard

I thought his name
was Saunders

It's very complicated

There's two kinds of tear gas,

OS and OC, that's military

Orthochlorobenzalmalonitrile

Don't put that in your story

This is a newspaper,
not an information service

What's OS?

That's the stuff
the police use

They call it Mace

Mace?

Mace

[knocking on door]

Excuse me

Is this, uh

Was this Mr Saunders'
apartment?

That's right

My name is Morly lan Morly

Chief Inspector?

Retired

You're welcome, sir

You come right in

I'm Sgt Boone

Yeah

Mrs Columbo,

she's told me
a lot about you, sir

I must admit she's spoken
about you many times

She asked me if, uh,

II would take
a personal interest
in this case

I hope you don't mind

It would be an honor, sir

We can start with these

Galoshes

These are
Mr Saunders' rubbers

Rubbers

I'd say they were
about the same size
as the one that got burned

Would you say that?

Mmm, roughly

What I was wondering,

is that a coincidence

or is it important?

[clearing throat]

If it were, uh, important,
would it be a coincidence?

That's what I was wondering

Onon the other hand,

if it were a coincidence,
would it be important?

So you see,

it's six of one,
half a dozen of the other

[laughing]

Oh, right, sir

I see what you mean

Um, shall we look further,
Sergeant?

I'll tell you the truth,
I've got a tough job here

In my report,
I called it suicide

All that stuff
about a false beard

and the tear gas
and the bullet hole,

there's still got to be
a way I can make it
come out suicide

We'll do our very best,
Sergeant

Something wrong?

Oh, no
Just an author's vanity,
I suppose

If you can call writing
a single book being an author

I was wondering
if Mr Saunders possessed
a copy of it

Seven Who Beat The Headsman,
sir?

That's it

Have you read it?

Not yet

But Mrs Columbo read it

She told me
she's reading it again

Is she, indeed?

Well, I suppose the book
could be anywhere

Not your book, sir

I've been over
this whole place

I would have noticed it

It's a minor matter

But I think you
just slipped up, sir

Have I?

Mrs Columbo,

she said that Mr Saunders
called you about your book

When he called himself
Carmichael

Yes, he did, indeed

So he must have bought
a copy after all

Obvious

[laughs]

How stupid of me
to have forgotten

[both laughing]

It's probably
at that place he worked

That Music Hall place

[people applauding]

[crowd laughing]

But enough of this bragging

I say a man's got to sleep
with his conscience

That is, if he can't
find something better

[audience laughing]

Oh, well, now,
let's get on with our show

At practically no expense
and very little trouble,

we bring you
The Great Merlini

[audience applauding]

[music playing]

[drums beating]

Shut up!

[people laughing]

(Merlini)
What do you want,
a knighthood?

Good evening
ladies and gentlemen

The first thing
every magician does

is to introduce
his very charming
and attractive assistant

I can't afford one

[people laughing]

So whatever it is,
I shall come down here
amongst you

and possibly get a volunteer
from the audience
Good evening, sir

Good evening
You're looking well

Suit's coming back into style
Good evening, madam

I've found the volunteer
Up this way
Wait

Come along, my dear

And now,
for my first trick

Trick, did I say trick?

Miracle! Miracle!
Stand over here, my dear

Stand right there

How about a nice hand
for my very willing volunteer?

[all applauding]

[music playing]

[audience laughing]

Oh, there you are

[laughing]

Well, now,
ladies and gentlemen,
you will notice

that my assistant
is tallying up the numbers
you've given her

And I must point out,
I have performed this trick
before the Duke of Edinburgh

The Prince of Wales,
The Marquis of Granby,

and several other
well known pubs

[all laughing]

[sighs]

[drum rolling]

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
the trick you've all
been waiting for,

the one advertised
on the placard

[drum rolling]

What is the secret number?

[drum rolling]

(Merlini)
The secret number is

[drum rolling]

seven

[audience laughing]

[drum rolling]

What?

Oh, what?

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

Funny

Very, very funny

Back to your seat, love,
thank you

I've got a wife
and two kids to support

[laughs]

Good, isn't it? Yes

Anyway, let's give
the little lady a little hand

[all applauding]

Enough, don't spoil her

And now,
for my next failure

I'm so sorry, dear

It's just
a little headache

(Mrs Columbo)
Chief Inspector

Hello, Chief Inspector

[chuckling]

More good news,
Chief Inspector

You were just lovely

Oh, thank you, Mrs Morly

Look what I found in Mr

Mr Carmichael's locker

Why, that's your book, dear

He had it locked up?

Oh, no, it was open,
but I locked it
after I got the book

How efficient

I still don't quite understand
the significance

Oh, excuse me

One of the chapters
is missing

Cut right out

The part about the murder
of Lilli Corday

And the man
they accused of killing her,

the man who drowned himself,

his name

Carmichael

There you go,
Chief Inspector

He's miles ahead
of me again

[all laughing]

Tada! Dim sum Homemade

[Morly chuckles]

(Emily)
Oh, you couldn't have

(Mrs Columbo)
Well, they were really
for my husband,

but he's working
late again tonight

Oh, what a pity

But, I've got
another surprise for you,
Chief Inspector

You wrote that
a politician murdered Lilli

and then framed a man
named Carmichael

You know, lan once told me

that it wasn't really
a politician

He said it was someone else,
and he's still alive

That is really
beside the point, dear

But, I think
the point is that your
Mr Carmichael was drowned

Only he wasn't

He wasn't?

If you look here,
Chief Inspector,

in our
Mr Carmichael's book,

in the table of contents,
you see that?

"The murder of Lilli Corday

I am the murderer"

"I am the murderer"
Hmm, that's remarkable

Mmm, isn't it, dear?

Carmichael wrote that

The same Carmichael
who was supposed
to be drowned

but he was living
right here in Los Angeles,

and now we know
who killed him

Living with the guilt
all these years,

he read your book,

and he called you
to confess

To confess! Yeah, oh

Excuse me
To confess, of course

And then, upset,
terribly frightened

Overwrought

Knowing his own life was over

The poor man
committed suicide

A clear case of suicide

Your Sgt Boone was right,
after all

Carmichael shot himself

And then he Maced himself
and put on a false beard

[sighing]

(Mrs Columbo)
Why, Chief Inspector

Why,

[laughs]

Mrs Columbo

I think I have some more
good news for you

I dare say

For your next book

A perfect murder

This one's terrific

Where did you turn up
this delightful little crime?

Oh, in my spare time

For my neighborhood newspaper

Tell me about it

It's about Carmichael

Saunders

Carmichael was his
real name in England

He used his real name
when he rented this apartment

And maybe when he arranged
the meeting with the man

you said killed Lilli Corday

An English politician?

Out here in Los Angeles?

But you told your wife
he wasn't really a politician,
remember?

I'm beginning
to see your point

Carmichael, uh,
inin a false beard,

extracting his revenge

Then revealing himself

You're way ahead of me again,
Chief Inspector

But then the visitor
turned the tables

That's where the Mace came in

Carmichael's gun went off

The bullet hole in the wall

Then he shot Carmichael

Switched the paintings
to hide the hole

Put back the beard
to hide the Mace

Burned the rubber
to kill the smell Oh

Your wife said
this was your rubber,
Chief Inspector

Did she?

Well, one of those
is very much like another

Tell me more
about your murderer

It had to be the same man

who killed Lilli Corday

Well, now your little fantasy
is getting confusing,
Mrs Columbo

Carmichael did away
with Lilli

It's all there

Don'tdon't you remember
the confession,
"I am the murderer? "

Oh, yes

[chuckling]

But then there's these,
Chief Inspector

I got them at the library

Copies of English
newspaper stories

About you,
Chief Inspector

See that?

"lnspector IAM
nabs gallery thief

"IAM
Stalks Mayfair Strangler

IAM Does it again"

You were a very famous man,

Inspector lan A Morly

IAM

Oh, it doesn't say,
"I am the murderer"

It says:

"IAM,

Murderer"

Open to interpretation

Wouldn't you say?

Oh, yes, absolutely open,
no proof at all

But then there's this

Art book, huh?

Rembrandt, Chief Inspector

I think you're going
to be very proud of me

You see,
it's the very same picture

Mmm

The Officer

You see how the light goes?

Yes

Now, there's that
shadow again

You see? That shadow there?

Uh, perhaps it's a flaw
in the reproduction

Well, that's exactly
what I thought

But then
I thought about something
caught in the lamp

Something the, uh,
murderer dropped

when he switched
the paintings or maybe

it fell out of his pocket

You see?

Now, it's gone

Yes, it has

[chuckling]

Your Mace pen,
Chief Inspector

You killed Carmichael

And you killed Lilli Corday

[laughing]

Ininin the circumstances,
Mrs Columbo,

don't you feel
the slightest bit
of trepidation?

Oh, no

I think you're
a very nice man

[laughing]

Two murders

One, all those years ago,
illconceived

The other,

a few days ago, inadvertent

Yet another might,
uh, I feel,

be painting the lily

Yes,

I thought so, too

You're a remarkable woman,
Mrs Columbo

Coming from IAM,

I'd say that's quite
a compliment

Of course,

you've conveyed all this
information to the police

Sgt Boone's
thinking it over

[laughing]
Sgt Boone

Would it, uh

Might it possible for me
to spend an hour or two

with my wife before you
continue your conversation

with Sgt Boone?

lt'll be one more case
to tell her about,

won't it, Chief Inspector?