All language subtitles for Its.Always.Sunny.in.Philadelphia.S14E09.WEBRip.x264-ION10

DENNIS:
My God, for the love of God,
there's two more of 'em.

FRANK:
I mean, it's giving me
indigestion.

-CHARLIE: Yeah, man.
-MAC: I'm tired
of looking at it.

CHARLIE:
And where are they
even coming from, dude?

It's that new salonthat opened up down the street.

I thought it was
gonna be good for business,

-but this is hard to look at.
-DEE: I don't even understand

-why you guys give a shit.
-Why do we give a shit?

-Yeah.
-These women have
mutilated themselves, Dee.

It's an abomination.

Once you go down
that road, it's,

you... there's no turning back.

It's just, like,
the dumbest hat, too, like...

A hat? Are you talking
about their hair?

That's hair? Oh, my...
I thought that was, like,

a little comedy hat
or something.

That's their actual hair...
Why would anyone do that?

MAC:
Wait a second. Poppins?

-Oh, shit.
-Oh, my God, it's Poppins!

[laughs] Poppins!
He came back!

My dog came back!

How the hell
is that dog still alive?

Yeah, Mac, why don't you just

put that poor thing
out of its misery?

Put him down?
What, are you crazy?

This is my dog, Dee.
I love him.

DEE:
Well, he doesn't love you.

Comes around every
three or four years,

eats a bunch of batteries
or whatever,

takes a giant dump on the floor,and then leaves again.

Dee, Poppins comes
and goes as he pleases

'cause that's his right
as a male.

-FRANK: Mm.
-Right?

-Women are never gonna get that.-They'll never get it.

Yep. We are
hunter-gatherers, Dee.

And if we decide to leave,
we're gonna leave.

-Yeah, 'cause that's nature.
That's tradition.
-That's bullshit.

Traditional roles
are ridiculous,

and they're made up by men.

If I want to have a baby
and then abandon that baby,

I have the right to do that.

-Oh...
-A woman abandoning her child?

-DENNIS:
Yeah, that's awful, Dee.
-FRANK: That's cheap.

And it's not natural.
You know what I mean?

Like those haircuts.
I mean, they...

that's traditionally
a man's look.

Women can't just adopt it.

You know? I mean,
look, it's one thing

for, like, a 60-year-old
art critic to do it,

but, I mean, these are young,
sexually viable women

making themselves no longer
sexually attractive to me,

and that upsets
the natural balance of things.

-Mm.
-DEE: What? No.

If women want to get short,
ugly, lesbian haircuts,

then they deserve to do that
because it's their body

and, therefore, their choice.

Oh, you're gonna
make it about that?

You know what?
Killing babies is wrong, Dee,

and God forbids it.

FRANK [groans]:
Oh, God.

Here comes another one.

-[burps]
-[groans] It's too much!

♪

MAC: [sighs]
I'm telling you, man,

something is wrong with Poppins.

His belly's all big.I've never seen him so run-down.

I mean, it's not like
he's never been sick before.

You remember the time he drank
an entire pot of coffee?

-That wasn't good.
-No, this is different, dude.

-Yeah.
-This is...
Look, check this out.

[air horn blows]

-Oh, yeah. That's not good.
-Nothing. Nothing.

-I mean, it's just like...
-[air horn blowing]

Where'd you get the air horn?

Oh, I-I picked it up
at the hardware store

-when you were grabbing coffee.-Yeah.

Yeah. Why?

I want to jump-start
Poppins's system.

You know? But it's not working.Maybe if I do it longer?

-I'll do it super long, huh?
-Uh, you know what?

-What if I feed him
my coffee, right?
-Mm-hmm. Yep.

You blast him with the air horn,a-and that might wake him up.

Oh, and maybe I'll scream
into the other ear.

Okay, yeah. Give it a whirl.

Please don't.

Oh, uh, am I not doing it right?

Do you want to give it a go?

Uh, no, I don't. And, yes,
you're doing it correctly,

I just prefer you not
feed your dog coffee

and blow an air horn repeatedlyinto its ear canal.

Hey, look, if that doesn't makethis dog less sleepy,

-nothing's gonna.
-Well, to be clear,

uh, sleepiness is not
Poppins' problem.

-Oh, no. Is it a tumor?
-[exhales]

If it's not, could you say it
in that really funny

Arnold Schwarzenegger voice
that's, like, so funny?

-[accent]: "It's not a tumor."
-You know what I mean?
And that always, like... Yeah.

-"It's not a tumor."
-It's funny
when he says it, too.

[regular accent]:
Unless it is a tumor,

-and then it's not
gonna be funny.
-Is it?

Well, uh, there's good news
and there's bad news. Right?

Uh, the good news
is that Poppins is pregnant.

Wait. Poppins is a girl?

Oh, you didn't know
your dog was a female?

Oh, nah, I-I could never get
underneath that hind leg

-to check.
-You don't want to try
to get under Poppins.

I mean, one time I tried
to give him a belly scratch

-and he bit my thumbnail
clean off.
-He's a monster.

-Uh, "she."
-Say what now?
-Huh?

"She-She's a monster."

I can't believe that Poppins
is gonna be a father.

-A mother.
-What?

-A mother?
-He is?

Hmm... Okay. Uh, do you two
not understand gender?

-No, I mean...
-Well,

-we don't really do gender
at our bar anymore.
-Yeah.

-Mm-hmm.
-Like, gender's so,
like, old school.

-Like, I-I don't identify...
-Um, I'm so sorry

to tell you, uh, the bad news,

is that given
Poppins' advanced age,

I'm afraid that she most likelywill not survive the delivery.

-He won't?
-Again, she.

And, uh, yeah.

[laughs]: I-I don't think
I've ever seen a dog this old.

It's a miracle that shewas evenable to get pregnant,

so when shegives birth,

shewill most likely die.

Well, you got to kill
those babies, then.

-[inhales] Uh...
-What? Dude, what the hell?

I thought you were all pro-lifeand everything.

I am, but this is different.
This affects me.

Uh, I'm so sorry, but we don't
perform that procedure here.

We can talk to a, like,
a doctor, not a nurse.

That's a good idea.
Do you have any doctors here?

-Let's go.
-I'm a...

Let's go. We'll go find a man.

Okay.

DENNIS:
Got some information for you.

-You're gonna want
this information.
-Great hair. Keep the hair

-the way it is.
-Very important information,
honestly.

-Keep your hair the way it is.
It's really great.
-Yeah.

-Oh. Oh... Hi!
-Hi... G-Going the wrong way.

-You going in here
to get the... Yeah.
-I was.

Check this out:
um, uh, did you know

that hair only grows
about six inches

over the course
of an entire year?

Did you realize that?
Isn't that mind-blowing?

-Think about that
for a second. You know?
-Mm.

Here. Grab that for me,
if you will.

-Oh, my.
-Yeah, it's something else.
-You can't get your hair cut.

-You don't want to do that.
-Um, now I'll tell you
something.

With luxurious locks like yours,it could take, oh,

-three, four years to grow backto its current length. Yeah.-Yeah, if it ever grows back.

-Okay. Thanks.
-Well, wait. Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on a second.

If that doesn't convince you,
there's more. Um...

Listen, are you familiar withthe television series Felicity,

-starring Keri Russell? Yeah.
-Yes. Mm-hmm.

-Well, this is Keri Russell
right here.
-Beautiful.

-Look at her.Beautiful. Gorgeous.-Beautiful girl. Yeah, gorgeous.

-Yep.
-Millions of adoring fans,

hit television show, you know,and then she went and did this.

-Oh, God.
-Yeah.

-Look at that. Oh, God.
-What a mess.

-Shocking, isn't it?
-Still pretty.

With this one tragic decision,
Keri Russell a-alienated

all of her fans,
she got her show canceled,

-and, man, she was
never heard of ever again.
-[belching]

Yeah, but Keri Russell
works all the time.

Yeah, now,
does she still play women?

Look, leave me alone, creep.

-Probably in a cape
or something.
-Well, no, no, hold on.

You're about to make
a huge mistake, lady.

-You don't want to do this. Man.-Hey.-She got in.

-What is this?
What are you guys doing?
-One got away.

-We let her go.-Well, Dee, we are educatingthe public is what we're doing.

-We're trying
to help these women.
-Oh, my God.

Will you please leave
these poor women alone?

They're clearly bored and lonelyand-and-and needing

to do something extreme in orderto make themselves feel special.

Listen. Take this one
for example.

You don't get
a monkey cut like that

unless you're broken inside.

I'm sorry.
Are you talking to me?

No, sweetie,
I'm talking about you.

I'm using you as an example.

I support your choice to look
like whatever kind of primate

or simian species you choose,
because it is your choice.

Okay? You know what?

Go full baboon, girl.
I support you.

No. Dee, Dee,
you're not being rational.

Can you at least acknowledge

the fact that men should have
some say in what women do

with their hair?
I mean, for Christ's sakes,

we're the ones that have
to look at it all day!

No, Dennis.
I won't acknowledge that.

You have no say.
In fact, you know what?

-I'm gonna get the haircut.
-[belching]

Don't do it, Dee. You're gonna,you're gonna look hideous.

I know I will. I don't havethe face or the body to support

a haircut like that,
but I'm gonna do it anyway,

because I can.

Because I choose to, and there'snothing you can do about it.

-You don't do it.
-Excuse me.

You do not do it.
You go back to the bar.

I command you!

Dee.

You're not being serious enough.

-Oh...
-One monkey cut, please!

FRANK:
Oh, God.

You... you bitch.

CHARLIE:
Yeah, so,

what we'd like you to do is killthe dog puppies, if you could.

[whispers]: Hey.Don't-don't say "kill," though.

Uh, sorry, murder them,
if possible?

-Say, uh... Uh, no, say, uh...
-Uh, sorry, my friend has a...

-"...terminate the embryos."
-To terminate...

-Yeah, so if you could terminatethe puppies' embryos?-Yeah.

-Yeah. You know what? Come on.
Let me just-let me...
-Uh-huh. Sorry.

-Hang on one second.My friend wants to talk to you.-Yeah. I'll do it.

Yes, hi. Yes, we-we need you
to perform this dog abortion,

and if you don't,
my dog is gonna die.

And he-he-he's not gonna be
able to survive the...

Yes, I'm-I'm aware that
a boy dog can't have puppies.

-What's with this? I...
-I... Yes. Look,

it's a little bit confusing
because he used to be...

Look, there was a transition
at some point, all right?

-He had a sex change.-We see past gender at our bar.

And I don't...
They hung up.

-That's the tenth one.
-You know what?

The problem is we-we can't get
any doctors on the phone.

-I know.
-You know? You're always
talking to a secretary.

-I know, it's just...
-Puts you on the phone with
some other female secretary,

-and it's like...-And honestly, I tune them out,

because I can't... they get
so high up in the register.

-Yeah.
-[door opens]

She's gone too far!
She has no idea

of the ramifications of what
her actions... [belching]

CHARLIE:
Whoa. Frankie.

-Take it easy, buddy. Your
valve's getting all worked up.
-[mutters]

-That's not good.
-[grunting]

Hey, your valve's acting up...
You know what?

Here, here-- eat some cat food.

-Come on, settle down.
-[stammers]

You-you got to get
that valve down, man.

-You got to calm that down,
all right?
-Okay...

-Neutralize it out
with the cat food.
-Let me have it.

All right, walk me through
what's happening here.

-It's Dee.
-Yeah?

Yeah, she's gonna do it.
She's gonna cut her hair off.

[belching]:
Dennis... put me in charge...

of making sure she doesn't
go through with this madness.

Ooh, Frankie, that valveis bad, man. That is backed up.

-You-you drinking
enough beer, bud?
-No.

Okay. Let-Let's get you
another beer

-or something.
-Let me have a brew,

and pop me another can
of this cat food.

-It's working.
-Yeah.

We got to settle
that valve down, buddy.

[whoops]

Hey, Frank,

you know anybody
that'll do a dog abortion?

Yeah, I got a guy.

Yeah. There you go.
Take a look.

You seriously want
to buy me a car

as long as I don't cut my hair?

Yeah, and we should look
at the convertibles.

I want the wind blowing through

those long,
beautiful locks of yours.

-This is ridiculous.
-No, it's not.

This has nothing to do
with a haircut

and everything to do
with you controlling my body.

It's got everything to do
with a haircut, Deandra.

Look at this.

What is this?

FRANK:
That's me when I was young.

I was like Samson.

I had hair
down to my butt crack.

I looked like a Greek god.

You look like a bridge troll.

Well, the point is,
I cut it all off.

I-I needed the money
and I read an ad...

for a toupee company that said
they would give good money

for real hair, so I bought in.

But I shaved it all offto the nub. It never grew back.

And-and, plus,
when I think about it,

I get a... [belches]
pain in my stomach

and I... gastronomical.

-Oh, God.
-And I burp.

That's not how hair works.
Or gastrointestinal tracts.

I want to show you
something else.

What?

FRANK:
There it is.

There what is, Frank?

FRANK:
That's my old hair.

He-He's given it a good home.

He takes care of it.

Probably better than I would'vetaken care of it myself.

-Wha...?
-I come by time to time

to check it out,
see how it's doing.

DEE:
Oh, my God.

FRANK:
Ah, here he comes.

Don't-don't say anything,

because I don't want
to make it feel bad.

-Hey, how are you?
-Hey, here's my guy.

-Hi. How you doing?
-How you doing, Frankie?

-Good to see you.
-Very nice to see you.

I love this guy. He's bought,
like, five cars off of me.

-You know?-I hope you're using that money

for high-end shampoos
and conditioners.

[laughs]: S... Always
with the shampoo jokes.

-Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
-I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Uh, so, anyway,you here to buy something today?

-Yes. Yeah.
-No! No.

I-I... you're not
buying me a car, Frank.

You can't control me

with your cars and your threatsof male pattern

[belches]:
baldness.

That-that was an unrelated burp.

I had four beers on the way
here, I'll have you know.

I'm getting the haircut.
I'm getting it.

Don't do it, Deandra.
You'll regret it!

I'm telling you!

What was that all about?

[exhales]
Just trying to save a life.

Oh. The wind's kicking up.

You better get inside. I don't
like to see her struggle.

Okay.

You sure this is the place?

Yeah. This is where Frank
said to meet the guy, so...

-What up?
-Oh, hey, Z.

-Hey.
-How you doing, man?

-What you boys up to?
-MAC: Uh, we're waiting

on a doctor that Frank's
hooking us up with.

Yeah, that's me, homie.

-Oh.
-You're a doctor?

Straight up.

Come on. No, you're not.

Bitch, you don't think
I'm a doctor?

I was a medic in Desert Storm.

I did Doctors Without Borders,
I saved mad lives.

See, you racist.
That's what the problem is.

I'm so sorry, Z.
I didn't have any idea.

-That's impressive, yeah.
-Sorry. Sorry.

[laughs]: Bitch,
I'm just playing with you.

I ain't no motherfucking doctor.

-Oh!
-[Charlie laughs]

-Okay. All right.
-[laughs]: Are you serious?

I do still feel bad, though.

-I feel terrible.-I feel bad, too, because I feel

-like I was exposed.
-Lesson learned.

-Lesson learned. That was good.-I was... My racism was exposed.

But I do fuck with dogs,

-so tell me what's up.
-Oh, okay. Good.

-So, uh, Poppins is sick.
-Right.

Yeah, and there's a bunch
of babies in there.

Oh, snap. Okay. Right.

Now, the vet said that if he
gives birth, he's gonna die.

Oh, so you want me
to scoop them babies out

so your dog can die.

-Uh, n-no.
The, the opposite, actually.
-Okay.

You want me to scoop
them puppies out and chuck 'em

and then put your dog
out its misery.

-Uh, no. No.
-No. Uh-uh.

No, uh, we want you
to kill the babies

and keep this dog alive.

Okay, word. I can get with that.

Yeah, is there a version,
like, where no dog dies?

Yo, son, that's hard to tell.

I made dogs make babies,

but I ain't never taken
no babies out the dog.

Oh, you're a breeder.

-Right.-That's why Frank hooked us up.

-Yeah, yeah. I breed dogs.
-Nice.

-I groom dogs. I fight dogs.
-Nice.

-Oh. Mm.
-I ain't never abort

no dog, but we can get it done.

Poke around
in one of them trash cans,

try to find an Allen wrench.

[Charlie inhales sharply
through teeth]

Yeah, I'm starting to think
this is a mistake, man.

I don't think he's qualified
to do this.

-But...
-Yeah, I-I don't know.

MAC:
I don't know
what else we're gonna do, man.

I mean, we got to save Poppins.

CHARLIE:
Oh, shit. Wait. Who's this?

Oh... Oh, my God.

Wait a second. Charlie...

I think
this is the real Poppins!

CHARLIE:
That's Poppins, isn't it?

I was wondering why
I didn't have

to pop this dog's eye
back in its socket.

That dog has a very solid eye.
It was very mysterious why...

Oh, my God.
Yeah, look how dirty he is.

Oh, look. Oh, look at this.
He came back.

CHARLIE:
He's getting all nose-deep

in, uh...
in her goodies there, so...

Oh, my God. Wait a second.

Charlie,

maybe the puppies inside
of this dog are Poppins's!

Oh, my God.
Poppins is the dad?

Yes!

-CHARLIE: Uh...
-That is so cute.

-Yeah.
-MAC: He came back

-to take care of his family.
-[snarling]
-He did.

He likes to take...Oh, no, he did not. He did not.

-MAC: There he goes.
-He wanted the blanket.

Yeah, he's a survivor.
He's gonna

take what he needs.

CHARLIE:
He's gonna do
what he's gonna do. Wow.

-Bye, buddy.
-Bye, Poppins!

All right.
See you in a few years.

-Mm-hmm.
-[sighs heavily]

All right. What are we gonna do

-with this piece of shit?
-Mm-hmm.

Listen here, you monster.

Okay, well, if you see her,can you call me? I'm just really

freaking out.
It's not like her at all.

[sighs]
Um...

I'm so sorry.
Um, can I help you?

Yeah. [clears throat]

Yes. I'm sorry, the...

Your tears were unexpected.
I, uh...

Yeah.

Sometimes I find it
very arousing, tears,

but this time, I wasn't...

I-I wasn't coming
in-in that zone.

You know what I mean?
So, I, uh, was...

I just wasn't ready for it.I was... I was gonna do a th...

I could switch gears, though.
You want to do...?

We could do a... This could be
an arousing thing. I...

What is happening?

Right. Sorry. Uh...

Yeah, so, no. I... No, I came
here with a plan, and, um...

Yes, I'm gonna stick
to that plan, so... Sorry.

[laughs]

-I'd like a haircut, please.
-Oh.

Yeah, sure. Um, if you can justleave your name and number.

What do you mean "yes"?

-I can...
-Sorry. What?

I can make you an appointment ifyou leave your name and number.

-Right on.
-And I can

-give you...
-You cut men's hair?

Yeah. We cut anyone's hair
who needs it.

Good. As it should be.

-Good.
-Yeah.

So...

Are you okay?

You won't outsmart me.

Sorry. I-I...

I thought you were gonna say
that you only cut

women's hair, and I was
gonna claim discrimination

to get you shut...
it doesn't matter.

I have to admit, you've-you'veput me a bit out of sorts. I...

With the, with the,
the tears and the...

arousal
and your face and words. I...

Can we start over? Uh...

Do you want an appointment?

No! No.

I-I... Because I don't want
a-a-a haircut from a butcher.

All right?
I'm not gonna get butchered

like you've butchered
these poor women's hairs.

-Are you insane?
-No.

Look, I can be reasonable, okay?

I don't expect
to save everybody from this,

but I can save one person,
all right?

My sister Deandra Reynolds.

She-she has an appointment here,

and I want it stricken
from the record.

-Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
-[sighs] Look,

you don't understand, okay?

She's... she's my twin sister,
all right?

Fr-From a genetic standpoint,
I mean, her hair is just

as much mine as it is hers,
you know what I mean?

I-I-I... I have every right
to stop her from killing it.

Okay, I don't know
what's going on here,

but I don't have time for this.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you're very busy

destroying young people's lives,aren't you?

Yeah. Doesn't surprise me
it's reduced you to tears.

I'm cryingbecause my dog is lost, asshole.

What's your dog look like?

[sighs]

Oh, shit.

MAC:
Well, this all worked out

-pretty well, didn't it?
-Yeah, yeah.
-Well, yeah.

-[Frank belching]
-I can't believe how quick
you gave up Poppins's puppies,

though, you know? You didn't
even think about keeping 'em.

Well, that's a lot
of responsibility,

-Charlie, right?
-Yeah, that's true.

And plus, there's no doggypaternity test to actually prove

that they were Poppy's puppies
in the first place.

That's true, too.

MAC:
You know? But, hey,

if Poppins wants to stop by
and say, "What's up?"

and, like, be a dad for while...

-DENNIS: Right.
-...he's gonna.

-Exactly.
-Or he won't.

Yeah, that's how I do.
That's how I do.

But, guys, seriously,
we got to stay vigilant, okay?

I mean, yes,
we were able to stop Dee

from doing something horrible.

But, you know, we can't restuntil every single woman is free

from the choiceof ruining their lives forever.

-Mm.
-So what are we gonna do?

I was thinking we use shame.

-[door opens]
-It's a great motivator.

CHARLIE:
Hello... oh, my God!

-Oh!
-Oh!

-[Frank burps]
-Oh! Aah!
-Oh, my God!

-Dee, what have you done?!
-Yeah. Yeah.

I told you
I was gonna get the cut!

-Goddamn it!
-Oh.

But then I went into the salon,and the woman refused to see me.

She refused, she said,

'cause she was-she was doing
some sort of trade

in a dog-kidnapped situation.
I don't know.

I ended up having to do it
all by myself! That's right!

-Listen, l-listen.
-[sighs]

-It looks... terrible.
-DEE: I...

-So bad.
-I mean, really, really bad.

I know it looks terrible!
The scissors were dirty,

and they weren't even sharp.

But now it's done.
It's done now.

There's no turning back.

What have I done?
What have I done?

I've-I've forced my sister
into a back-alley chop.

Guys, I think we-we need
to realize something.

We're never gonna be able
to stop women

from doing whatever the hellthey want with their own bodies.

-Thank you!
-Okay?

And if we can't stop them
from making stupid

and selfish choices, then
we need to give them a place

to go to bestupid and selfish.

-Thank you.
-Where it's safe.

-Yes!
-Where they won't do bullshit
like this.

-It's bullshit!
-This is a bullshit haircut!

I know!

Okay, guys,
here's something else, too.

I don't care about any
of this, really, you know?

If I'm being honest,I don't care that much, either.

-Right?
-DEE: Oh...

-Like, who gives a shit?
-Yeah.

Yeah, I guess I don't really
care that much, either.

-What?! No, you... No.
-I don't know,

it just... it's annoying,
but I don't care.

We don't really care.

Why did you guys makesuch a big deal about it, then?

Well, uh, you know,
that's, like, a guy thing.

Well, 'cause we're-we're used
to being in charge,

and we want to make sure that...

You did! You cared!
You cared so much,

and then I did it, and now
what am I supposed to do?

-I care. I know what to do.
-You do?

I got a guy.

-Hey.
-FRANK: Oh.

How that wig feel, Dee?

-Really good.
-FRANK: Oh.

It feels great. Thank you, Z.

Now, Dee, just rememberthat one day you may get a call

from the woman
who gave birth to that hair.

And, uh, I would consider
some visitations.

Nah, she ain't got
to worry about that.

I groomed that shit
off a border collie.

Well, then you're good.

Hey. Might be some fleas
up in there, but she good.

[trio chanting backwards]

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH