All language subtitles for Its.Always.Sunny.in.Philadelphia.S14E03.WEBRip.x264-ION10

(bell dings)

I love you.

ANNOUNCER: FXX presents...

It's Always Sunny
in Philadelphia.

DENNIS:
Okay, now put your arms back.

You're like a... you're like
a rocket ship, okay?

Now left.

Now right. Now left. Now right.
Now go lower.

-MAC: Oh, come on. Come...
-(Charlie whistles)
-Can you guys go lower?

Dennis, is this
really necessary?

Mac, you have
the tendon dexterity of a sow,

so yes, it's necessary.
Guys, we're about to embark

on the most important 24 hours
of our lives here.

Okay, it's important
to stay limber and loose.

Uh, yes. Very good, Charlie.

-Can we just start?
-No, we can't just start, okay?

Preparation is the key
to victory.

-Oh.
-DENNIS: Yes, Charlie.

You're really
nailing this today.

I got my eye on you. Okay.

Now, does everybody know
what they're supposed to do?

Yes. Dennis, I know exactly
what you told us to do.

I've memorized it.
I know where to be

and when to be at all times.

Okay, good. Yeah.

Needy and
desperate for approval,

but, uh, good. Charlie.

-(blows)
-Now look at that. You see that?

With one little gesture,

he tells me
everything I need to know.

That wordless display of
confidence earns my confidence.

Don't. I did it already.

You're so desperate.

-I thought it was cool.
-Okay, now, listen. Guys, guys.

We have exactly one day
to pull this off,

so everything needs to be
executed to absolute perfection.

And, gentlemen, if we do that,
well, the world is our oyster.

Don't say "oyster." Say "clam."

-The world's our clam?
-Yeah.

-I like clams better.
-You like clams? Well,

-that doesn't sound very good.
-They're both shellfish,

-so it's kind of the same,
isn't it?
-Yeah. One's disgusting,

-and one's delicious.
-Yeah, okay.

-I personally prefer barnacles.
You know what I mean?
-MAC: Oh.

-Yeah, there's
some meat in there.
-I like abalone.

-DENNIS: Well, okay, guys.
-Abalone's interesting.

-I'm a clam person.
-Seagulls...

-Oh, mussels.
What about mussels?
-DENNIS: All right, guys.

Let's not get into
a whole thing.

We're getting derailed,
okay? Uh...

We can spend
the whole day talking

about which shell creatures
we do or don't prefer

or enjoy at any given moment.

That's not what
we're doing here.

Okay, look, we put in the work.

Right? We're ready.
We've done our dry run.

And if we put our minds to it,

nothing, absolutely nothing
can stand in our way.

-World is our clam.
-Bring it in, boys.
-DEE: Oh!

* Uh, Dee is in the house *

* Uh, Dee is in the house,
uh, Dee is in the house *

* Uh, Dee is in the house. *

-First things first,
we got to ditch Dee.
-Oh, shit.

-Yeah, let's ditch her.
-DEE: Guys,

I am so excited to get started.

Get started on what?

Oh, my God. You forgot.

(chuckles): Oh, that makes it
so much better.

Oh, guys.

From noon today
until noon tomorrow,

it's Dee Day.

-What?
-Oh, my God.

-No.
-I completely forgot.
-Oh, shit.

-No, I...
-No, wait, wait, wait.

I know, I know.
See, we did all your days,

and now it's my turn.

So that means,
for the next 24 hours,

you got to do everything
I tell you to do,

and you got to listen to me.

And you can't complain,
otherwise you're gonna get

-one of these.
-(air horn blares)

-(groans)
-And I tack another day on.

-Dee, please,
please don't do this to us.
-Oh, you better

cram your insults in now
while you got...

oh, few more seconds left, guys.

CHARLIE:
You... (stammers)

-Dee's a bird!
-(frantic shouting)

-Dee Day begins in three...
-Dee's a bird! You're a bird!

-...two...
-You're a bird! (shouts)
-I hate you, bird!

-You're a stupid...!
-...one.

(clock chiming, cuckooing)

As we all know, you guys just
love to talk and talk about

why men this and why God that
and on and on and on and on.

And I-I can't even begin
to count the number

of pointless monologues
I've been forced to sit through.

But not today. Today, it's you

who will be forced to sit
and just listen.

And my first topic?

My feelings.

-That's fair.
-MAC: Yeah, I'm into it.
-DEE: Thank you.

-I'm excited.
-DEE: Thought you would be.

Now, when I wake up
in the morning, I feel sad.

And I feel sad
for a very long...

DENNIS:
(groans) Today of all days,

and now I'm being forced
to listen to her feelings?

I won't do it. And who cares
about her feelings anyway?

Nobody, that's who.

What about my feelings?
Now, that's interesting, okay?

Plus, the plan. We can't afford
to waste a second,

and these pea-brains are
probably forgetting their parts

with every second
that passes by.

MAC:
Uh-oh. I'm forgetting
my part of the plan

with every second that goes by.

Dennis is gonna
yell at me again.

Hey, why was Charlie
outshining me earlier?

I mean, what's that all about?

It's like he wants something
from Dennis.

But what?

Attention? Love?

Why'd he throw me that look?
Does he want to replace me?

Is that what's going on?
What the hell does he want?

CHARLIE:
I'm pretty sure
Dennis has candy.

I heard a crinkle in his pocket

that sounded like
the wrapper of a candy.

I gave Mac a look
to let him know

that I figured out
Dennis has candy.

Hopefully,
if we nail this plan,

he'll give us some candy.

I want that candy.

FRANK:
You know who eats
raw shellfish?

Seagulls, that's who.

Clams you bake. Clams you fry.

Pop a rubber band around them,
stuff them full of bread,

boil them shits for an hour.

There's a million ways
you can prepare a clam.

"Make the world your clam."

Just sounds better.

And that, I believe,
is the reason

for all of this
toxic masculinity.

-Would you agree?
-Huh?

-Yes.
-Yeah. Well...
-A-Absolutely.

-Yeah, absolutely.
-Yeah. Everything...
-Absolutely.

Everything you were saying,
we were totally listening.

-That's totally true.
-DEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, cool. Um, I'm gonna
go take a quick squirt

'cause that beer
just went right through me,

and then we'll move on
to the next thing.

-Thanks, Dee.
-Sounds fun.
-All right, Dee.

-Sounds fun.
-Yeah, Dee,
this is gonna be great.

-I'm looking forward to it.
-This is really cool.

-So excited. So excited.
-I'm enjoying this a lot.

-Goddamn bird!
-(grunts)

-I'm gonna...
-Where's the scream pillow?

Yeah, yeah. No, no, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Guys, wait. We can
still pull this thing off.

We can still
pull this thing off.

I-I just came up
with another plan.

It was actually based on
what Dee just did.

She just went to the bathroom.

See, everybody's
got to take a dump

at least once
in every 24-hour period.

This got me thinking, right?
So, at some point today,

each and every one of us
will have to take a shit, right?

We're gonna have to go find
a bathroom, and at that point,

you will go and execute
your part of the plan.

-Sounds good. That's good.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-See what I'm saying? All right.
-Yeah, yeah.

So, Charlie, now it is time

-for you to take your shit.
-CHARLIE: Is there time?

-Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Okay, great. Nice.

And then, Charlie, go poop,
and then we'll get started.

What? No, that's not
what he's talking about, Mac.

What he means
is that it's time for me

to go to the school, break in

using my old janitor's key,
right?

Go into the nurse's office,

'cause he's probably
still on his lunch break.

Make the call. Call the valet.

Let him know
that his kid's "sick"

and needs to be
"picked up from school" ASAP.

My man. With that kind of focus,

we're gonna be able
to pull this thing off.

-Yes!
-Way to go.
-Yeah! And then when he's there,

-that's when he poops.
-Wrong!

-Totally wrong.
Just go, Charlie. Go.
-CHARLIE: Okay.

A-And keep this kind of
good focus in mind

when it comes to
what's inside your pants,

'cause I want that, man.

Okay. Yeah. All right, great.

-I want what's in your pants.
-DENNIS: No, no.

-All right.
-(door opens)

Okay. Where's Charlie?

He had to take a shit.

-(chuckles) Yeah.
-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

-And I, too, have to take
a shit now, as well.
-Oh, what?

No. What, now? No.

Well, make up your mind,
or I-I do the horn.

-Okay. It is a bit
of an emergency.
-No, it isn't.

He-- You can, you can hold it.
He's gonna hold it.

-(school bell ringing)
-CHARLIE: Knock, knock, knock.
-(door opens)

Hey! How you doing, old Terry?

Old buddy, old pal!

-(laughs)
-Do I know you?

Ah, come on, it's me!
It's Charlie! Remember?

I used to be the janitor here
a few years back.

Yeah, well, I got fired
on account of a relationship

I was having with
a Juggalo child, you know.

That's not the point.
The point is though

I got my old job back.

I'm ready to have new
relationships with the children.

And in case you're wondering
how I got in the building,

that's how.

Oh.

Right.

And if memory serves,

you usually take
your lunch break about now.

So how about you pop on out,
eat some lunch,

and I'll clean up your office.

Oh, uh, I ate already.

Did you?

Lunch is at noon. It's 12:30.

Oh, yeah. Look at that there.

You know what happened though,
Terry, was I got a little

held up on account of it
being Dee Day and all.

-It's not D-Day.
-You know what?

Actually, Terry,
I should tell you this.

Um, I saw some kids breaking in
to your car outside.

I ride a bike.

Yeah. That's what I meant.

They were breaking on in
to your bicycle.

Kicked it in half.
Filled it with horse manure.

-Kind of a prank, I guess.
-Yeah, I don't believe you.

Well, only one way to find out.
Better pop outside, take a peek.

My bike is fine.

One step ahead of me,
aren't you, Terry?

(chuckles):
Okay, you know what happened?

Dee Day just threw
everything off, okay?

So I'm just gonna
slide on in here.

Maybe I'm gonna make
a little phone call.

No big deal. And I'm not
gonna make a phone call.

I'll just have
some candy, then.

And I'm not gonna have any candy
'cause candy's for the kids.

Terry, this has been
an unfortunate, uh...

Hey, can I use your phone
and pretend to be you?

No.

Okay. That's strike three
on my, uh, count.

Uh, I'm gonna
fuck your bike up, Terry.

-What the hell is this?
-(Taiwanese accent):
Charlie, you would not

-believe what we're doing.
-Oh, my God. What is that?

(Puerto Rican accent):
Ladies just doing it for
themselves. I'm just playing.

-I'm Martina Martinez.
-CHARLIE: Oh, no.

You don't have to do the accent
anymore, Frank. You're offstage.

-Oh, my God.
This is so racist, right?
-It's insanely racist.

We didn't want to do it, but you
know, Dee's humor is so lowbrow.

Oh, my God.
What is she...?

Uh, she wants to do
a whole retrospective

of her stupid characters.

-Wrote a play about it.
-Her characters suck!

-I know!
-Her characters suck!

(Irish accent):
Charlie, thank God you're here.

-Go get into costume.
We're up next.
-MAC: Dennis.

Oh, Dennis, uh, you're offstage,

so y-you don't have to do
the accent anymore.

That's why you suck
at everything, Maxie.

I say if you're gonna do
a racist stereotype,

you best do it right. I mean,
that's a bit much, but you know.

-Oh, uh, where are we
with the phone call?
-CHARLIE: Uh, no.

I wasn't able to make it. I was
not able to make the call, guys.

-What?!
-I'm sorry. Okay, look.

Here's what we'll do. I'll-I'll
go to the valet myself, okay?

I'll go to the restaurant.
I'll get the key.

I-I can make it work, Dennis,
all right? Don't get mad.

-Who's desperate now, Charlie?
-Shut up, Mac, you racist!

I'm not racist! She's racist!
She's the one that's racist!

-She's making us do it.
-DEE: Hey, turkeys!
-Shh. Shh.

-What's the holdup in there?
-No, no, no, no. Goddamn it.

Look, uh, you stay here,
Charlie.

Um, Mac, Frank,
you go down there, okay?

Um, you're not on again
till the second act.

-I won't let you down, Dennis.
-Great. Go, go, go.

-Go.
-Go, go, go, go, go.

-Oh, man.
-Charlie. Charlie,
go get into your costume.

-We got to learn a song.
-What? A song?

God.

The glue on these teeth
is insane.

I would never be able
to get them off and on in time.

Ah, this makeup
is making me sick.

-I'm-- I feel awful.
-It's not the makeup, Frank.

It's the bag of clams you made
us stop before we came here.

The clam is fine.

If w-we got a bag of oysters,

those would've made us
really sick.

Whatever, dude.
Just focus, all right?

The councilwoman's
gonna be here any second.

Yeah, well,
what do we got to do now?

Charlie screwed up
the whole thing with the valet.

Now how are we gonna
get her keys?

-All right, well, I got a plan.
-What?

Now, when the valet
gets into the next car,

I want you to go to your car,

and I want you
to ram him, all right?

Nothing crazy, but it's got
to be believable, all right?

Then, I'll step in as the valet.

I'll get
the councilwoman's keys.

I'll go get a copy made.
I'll be back here ASAP.

I have, I have a suggestion.
I mean, if you want...

if you want it to be
really believable--

the car accident--
then I think you should do it.

I mean, I'm not saying out loud
why you should be the one

to have the car accident, but I
think it would play much better.

I do appreciate
that you're working

on your prejudices, Frank.
I, too, am trying

to become a better man and--
but I just--

I-I-I really think
that, unfortunately,

-it is a better plan.
-It's a good plan.

So, uh, I'm just gonna
go ahead and do that.

Oh! Oh!

(whispering):
Okay. Okay, he's coming.
Oh, good.

-You go get the keys.
I'm gonna go do the acc...
-Okay. (retches)

-(groans)
-Are you okay?

I'm-I'm... I'm just so sick.

-This makeup is making me...
-(car door closes)

-(guttural throat clearing)
-Okay.

(gagging)

(continues gagging)

Hello there.
I'm the valet.

I'll take your car.
(gags)

-Oh, are you okay?
-Oh, yeah.

I'm-I'm... I'm fine.
I'm aces. It's just...

It's just that I got
a little skin thing going on.

But I-I... I may get sick,
but it won't be clams.

It won't be the clams, because
if it was clams... (gags)

...clams and I was sick, it
would be all over the pavement.

-(gagging)
-Uh, uh, I'm sorry,
but is there someone else

-that can take my car from me?
-No. No.

-He's gone.
He had a car accident.
-An accident?

-Oh, my God. Oh, geez.
-Yeah.
-(tires squealing)

-(loud crash)
-Oh. Oh.
-Yeah, there it is.

-That was it. Yeah.
-God. Um...
-(car alarm sounding)

(retching loudly)

(Frank grunts)

-It's not the clams!
-Oh! Uh, yeah.

I'm telling you,
it can't be the clams!

It don't make no sense!
No, don't go.

-(retching)
-(tires squealing)

It's not the clams!

(old man voice):
* For the love of God *

* Paddy, don't you see? *

* Your love is all
I ever wanted to be... *

-"For me," idiot.
-Uh...

* Wanted for me.

Ha.

Okay. Then you do the...

(sighs)
Do we have to?

Yeah, I mean. Yeah.

Well, I don't know.
Did you want the horn?

(Charlie sighs)

(quietly):
Let's just get it over with.

Plant one on me, Covington!

(quietly):
Goddamn it. Yeah.

Yeah. (chuckles)

Yeah, I-I'm looking here
in the script,

and it says that they kiss,

"with the quivering lips
of two souls desperate

to taste the juices of passion."

Did that seem like that
to you guys?

-No.
-No.

No, me, neither.
Okay. So do that, then.

-(beep)
-(Irish accent): Gladly.

("Endless Love" by Lionel Richie
and Diana Ross playing)

* My love *

-* There's only you in my life *
-(moaning)

* The only thing
that's bright... *

(giggles):
Yeah.

Wow!

(chuckles):
Okay.

Very nice.
Way better than I was expecting.

(beep, song stops)

Goddamn bitch.

(both spitting)

-Goddamn bitch.
-She's sick is what she is.

-Yeah, she's sick.
-That's a sick person
right there.

And I know we're supposed to be
cool with this, 'cause, like,

that's where society's headed,
but I'm just-- I'm not there.

-I'm not saying it's not right.
-I'm not ready. I'm not ready.

I'm saying I don't want to
do it. I don't want to do it.

What did you eat? Why am I
getting a weird taste...

-I had cheese. I thought--
Well, I wanted...
-(groans)

Well, now you know
how it feels.

Oh, I don't want to taste
your cheese. It's weird...

Well, I didn't want
to taste your cheese, either.

-(spitting, groaning)
-(Mac exhales)

-Hey. How'd it go
with the valet?
-We, uh, we struck out.

-You what?!
-No good...
-Well, how are we gonna get

in the woman's apartment
without her key?

We got to get in that apartment.

We got to set
that woman's clocks back.

-DENNIS: What's going on
with him?
-Clams.

-Where'd you get clams?
-Did you eat bad clams, Frank?

-No, don't.
-DEE: Hey, guys.
Ticktock back there!

(groans) All right, just go
finish the goddamn show.

-Yeah, by the way,
she made us kiss.
-Yeah.

-She made us kiss.
-I'm not doing that.
I'm not doing that.

All right,
let's just get out there.

I don't want to be
doing this all week.

-Hey, you guys really did kiss?
-Yeah, but don't get excited.

-That's not fair.
-But we didn't like it.

-Just go.
-Dennis, you should
come out with us.

-No, no, no.
-Get out! Just go
and finish the show.

-Finish the show, all right?
-I'm not kissing you.

-Okay.
-(Frank sighs)

So, in this scene, Martina
enters Tammy's massage parlor

looking for a full-body rubdown.

-What?!
-Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

And like all great plays,

this one is going to have
a happy ending.

Yeah, that was clams.

Oh, nothing like a day
of bird-watching.

So peaceful. So relaxing.

-Wouldn't you agree?
-Huh? Oh, yeah.
-Yeah.

-Really calming.
-And, yeah, it's, uh...

-It's great.
-Birds are m-majestical.

Ooh, fun bird fact.

The ostrich's eyes are bigger
than its brain.

-Huh.
-Do you have
any thoughts on that?

-That's... cool.
-Good.

-FRANK: Great bird.
-It's a good bird.
-Ostriches are good birds.

Well, unfortunately,
I have to take another piss.

-I'll be back.
-Okay.
-Okay.

See ya, Dee.
We're just gonna look at...

look for some more birds
that we love.

-Yeah, we'll keep on, uh...
-Yeah, just gonna...

Oh, my God, I want to scream
"bird," I want to scream "bird."

-I want to scream, "Bird! Bird!"
-That would be so good.

-Do you want me to do it
for you, Dennis?
-No.

Don't do it. She's probably
hiding behind a tree.

Yeah. What's going on with you?

Why are you
so off your game today?

Well, I-- Charlie has been
outshining me all day,

and I want to shine for you,
Dennis, so I'm just...

I haven't been outshining you.
I was just throwing you looks

because I wanted the candy, but
I was gonna share it with you.

-What candy?
-Dennis has candy in his pocket.

-Okay, guys, can we get back
to talking about the plan?
-You have candy?

Look, w-we're getting
off track here.

-Dennis has candy?
-CHARLIE: I heard it crinkle.

-Yeah, I want that candy, man.
-DENNIS: Yes, I have candy.

All right?
Of course I have candy.

I keep candy
in my pocket sometimes

so that I can get
Charlie's focus.

It was working
like a charm, man.

I was zoned in on everything
you were saying.

Yes, I know it was working; the
whole goddamn thing was working

till Dee came through
with this Dee Day bullshit.

Are we gonna get the candy,
or are you gonna keep it

-in your pocket all day?
-I'll have some candy.
-Here's the candy.

-Yeah! Yes, I knew it.
-Oh, oh, oh! I want...

All right, all right.

-Wow.
-Children. Children.

-Good candy, good candy.
-This is good candy.

I don't need the candy
anymore anyway,

'cause I have a backup plan.

We don't need
the councilwoman's keys anymore

to get into her house,
because we have me. All right?

So I'll peel off.
I'll go seduce her.

She'll invite me into her house,

where I'll bang her as fast
as I possibly can, and then,

while she's cleaning up
afterwards,

I'll set all of her clocks back,

causing her to sleep late
and miss the boat, okay?

So when Dee comes back,
just tell her

-I had to go take my shit.
-CHARLIE: Nice, man. All right.

-Watch out!
-Hey.

-Hey.
-Where you rushing off to?

-Oh, I-I got to take a shit.
-Do ya?

-Yeah.
-Okay. I'll let you do that.

-Okay.
-But real quick first.

I wanted to do something
with you.

-I really have to shit, Dee.
-Yeah, this'll be fast.

-What is that?
-Oh, these are makeup wipes.

So that you can remove
your makeup.

(chuckles) Makeup?

I'm not wearing any makeup.

Then it won't be an issue.

I mean, I'm wearing
a little bit of concealer.

Is that what you're talking
about having me remove?

Well, I'm talking about
the concealer, yes.

But I'm talking about
the rest of the makeup,

the tape you have
behind your jaw and your eyes.

I'm talking about
the hair paint.

I'm talking about all of it.

DEE:
What a nice restaurant this is,

filled with attractive,
professional-looking people.

You know what it is?
It's the kind of place

where you wouldn't want
to stick out like a sore thumb.

How are you liking it, Dennis?

Yes, very nice.

-Yeah?
-(chuckles) Yes.

Would you like to go introduce
yourself to some ladies?

No, uh, I-I'm okay. Uh, no.

Okay. I'll go round some up
and bring them to you.

-No.
-Yep.

Hey, don't mind her, dude.

Y-You look great.

Holy shit. That's her.

-Who?
-The councilwoman.

-She's right there.
-CHARLIE: Who? Right there?

-Right there. That's her.
-Right there? Oh, shit.

-Oh, my God, this is incredible.
What are the odds?
-That's her, yeah.

Dee has no idea
how good this is for us.

-Dennis, go do your thing.
-This is great.

(stammers):
No, I-I...

-I can't. No.
-Buddy,

makeup or not,
you are the Golden God.

It's all about what's in here.

Oh. Is your pec deflated?

Sh-She took his pads out.

-Yeah, he had...
-Oh, your pec pads.

-He had some pads.
-No.

Well, either way, man, you can
do it. You're our only hope.

-I can do this.
-Yes.
-Yeah.

-Yeah, it's worth a shot.
-Yeah!

-That's the attitude.
-Come on, man.
-You're looking good.

You got it.
You got this. You got this.

-You got this. You got this.
-Go, go, go, go, go.

-He ain't got this.
-That's what
his soul looks like.

DENNIS:
Hi.

Did I frighten you?

Sorry.

Uh, I'm not, I'm not, uh...
I'm Dennis.

Do you like hard candy?

I have candies.
Oh, you know what?

Actually, I don't.
Scratch that. I...

I threw all the hard candies
at those idiot children.

Uh...

Oysters or clams?

-Excuse me?
-Oysters, obviously.

(chuckles) You know?

-Mm.
-Plus, like, they-they--

You can, you can get sick
off clams.

Like, I got real sick off clams
when I was, like...

Anything can make you throw up

if you're, if you're, uh...
if it's gone bad.

You know, my dad was, like,
throwing up off--

He's not really my dad,
but you know.

Yeah.

But anyway, it's oysters for me.
(chuckles)

-(clears throat softly)
-Um...

Hey, uh, you know what?
I just realized.

We don't have a lot of time,
so let's--

We should get this over with.
Can I get your house key?

-What?
-We don't,

uh, have to have sex like this.

I can, I can... I can put
another man's face on.

If you give me your house key,
I can go to your house

and put on
some of your makeup...

-Get away from me.
-Well, hold on a second.

Um, uh, we-- I'm supposed to be
taking a shit right now.

-And so-- Yeah.
-Dennis.

What are you doing
to this woman?

Uh, it was my turn
to take a shit,

and then I was
gonna do it with her.

I am so sorry about him. Okay?

This man is clearly a monster,

and he will be punished
accordingly.

G-Go wait for me over there,
monster.

We'll find another woman.

It's Dee Day.

CHARLIE:
Just so you know, you look...

a lot better now,
but you looked fine.

I just don't look good when
I haven't got enough sleep.

And I got a little nap in,
so, you know, I'm back.

-Huh.
-Anyway,

I bet you the city council's
voted already.

-Dying to figure out
which way they voted.
-MAC: Oh, dude.

It doesn't matter. Like, the
bird bitch ruined everything.

-We had a plan. We had...
-Shh. Keep your voice down.

We may have lost this one,
but the most important thing

is that we don't get
another Dee Day.

Oh, man. That's, like,
the 20th piss I took today.

-Oh, yeah?
-Well, hey, it's important

-to stay hydrated.
-Yeah.

Knock it off. Looks like
you guys are gonna make it.

And I have to say, I am very
impressed that you were able

to focus on anything other than
yourselves for one entire day.

-Well, Dee,
it's been a real pleasure.
-CHARLIE: Uh, we haven't

-made it yet, so...
-FRANK: We've enjoyed it.
-It's been really great.

And Dee Day ends officially in

three, two, one.

-(clock chiming, cuckooing)
-(Frank sighs)

All right, let me have it.
Pile it on me.

-News.
-Pile it on me.
-TV. TV. Yeah, put the...

-Channel 7. Channel 7.
-Put the news on.
Put the news on.

-What are you doing?
-What channel? What channel?

-S-Seven? Seven?
-Yeah, it might be.

-(news theme plays)
-In a stunning upset,

local ordinance LC-103
passed today.

The controversial proposal

actually legalizes
public urination.

-It passed! It passed!
-(excited yelling)
-It passed! It passed!

It passed!

-(men cheering, laughing)
-Oh!

-It passed anyway.
-Nice!

What passed?

Dee, we have been
working for weeks

on a very intricate plan

to ensure the passage
of that ordinance.

Yeah. All we had to do was
stop one city councilwoman

-from voting, that was it.
-Yeah, yeah. So we had

this ingenious plan to, uh,
get ahold of her keys,

sneak into her house and, uh,
turn all of her clocks back,

-mess with her phones
a little bit or whatever...
-It was a good plan.

...so that she would sleep too
late, she would miss the vote,

-and the ordinance would pass,
and it passed!
-(Dennis and Charlie laugh)

We knew that she would be
the one dissenting vote.

-So we had to stop her.
-Yeah.

-How?
-Oh, well, it's a group--

-Uh, well, yeah.
-There it is.

CHARLIE: It's all men
and she was the one lady.

-MAC: Men are free once again...
-FRANK: We are free!

...to relieve themselves
where God intended.

You guys are idiots!

That's the most ludicrous thing
I've ever even heard.

Why didn't you just go
and slash her tires, like,

five minutes before she had
to leave for the meeting?

-Oh. Oh.
-What? Oh, yeah, just do that.

-(laughing)
-Okay, yeah, just do that.
-Yeah, sure.

Dee, you know what?
You don't get it. Okay?

Women will never understand
what it's like to be a man.

Like, we just, like, we need
to piss in public, okay?

-We need to hatch plans
(laughs) that actually work.
-(Charlie laughing)

Dee, your plan
would not have worked.

Oh, yeah?
My plan did work, jackass.

I got close enough to the
councilwoman in the restaurant

to steal her wallet,
got her address,

and then replaced the wallet
without her seeing.

And then,
in the middle of the night

when I told you guys
I was going to "take a shit"

like you were doing
all goddamn day,

I snuck over
and I slashed her tires.

You did? Why?

Did you see how many times
I peed today?

I have a teeny, tiny,
little bladder.

I want to be able to pee
on the street if I have to.

-Oh! You?
-Ugh! Gross.
-In front of us?

-Just out there in the public?
-A woman?
-Squat?

-Dee, you nasty.
-DENNIS: Nasty.

-Dee, you n...
-(laughs): She's so nasty.

No, you know what?
You guys are just pissed

-because I outsmarted you.
-Oh, you outsmarted us?

-You're embarrassed.
-Dee, (chuckles) you spent
the entirety of Dee Day

coming up with a plan
that eventually led

to us getting exactly
what we want, so...

-We scored.
-You're a stupid bird.

Don't even bother trying
to explain it to her.

Her tiny bird brain
will never get it.

DENNIS:
Birds don't understand plans.

What about this one?
Dee's a bird.

-(laughs)
-That's a good one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh.

You should all probably
check your phones.

-DENNIS and CHARLIE: Why?
-Oh, I don't know.

Just 'cause I pushed
the cuckoo clock ahead an hour.

(clock chimes)

No. Shut up.

Here's the problem, guys.

You just insulted me
on Dee Day.

-No.
-No, no, no, no. God.
-Oh, no, wait...

You know what that earns you?

Another day of Dee.

-Oh, no!
-No, no, no, no, no!
-(shouting)

-(air horn blaring)
-(yelling)

-* I... *
-* I... *

* I want to share *

* All my love *

* With you *

* No one else will do *

* And your eyes *

* Your eyes, your eyes *

* They tell me
how much you care *

* Oh, yes. *

(trio chanting backwards)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

WOMAN: I want to thank you
for joining the focus group.

-(crashing)
-I just want to say thanks
to the suits back there

for allowing us to be here.

He thinks that's
a two-way mirror.

ANNOUNCER: All-new Sunny.

Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.

(deep voices chanting)
I... know... more.

I think I'd make
a great drag queen.
Like, for real.

But the one time I tried it,
I looked so much like my mom,
it scared me.

And I was sexy as hell.

(deep voices chanting)

I'm Brittany's dad.

I work
in the security industry.

Have you ever
killed anybody?

Uh, once.

I'm just kiddin', mate.
I'm just kiddin'.

(hard rock music plays)

(male vocalist growls)

(singing in Spanish)

-La sangre...
-Es la sangre.

ANNOUNCER: Mayans.
All new Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.

(chattering)

(breathing heavily)

(screaming)

ANNOUNCER: AHS 1984.

Wednesdays at 10:00 on FX.