All language subtitles for 2.Broke.Girls.S03E18.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DD5.1.x264-CasStudio_track3_[eng]

Hi. Today's special
is clam chowder,

and today's advice
is don't eat it.

Do you have eggs Benedict
cumberbatch?

[Laughter]

You are really killing it
tonight, Mary,

and leaving no evidence.
[Laughter]

We're coming
from Sherlock-con.

It's like comic-con,
but for Sherlock Holmes fans.

So it's way cooler.

Excuse me for a sec.

There's another waitress here
who is gonna be

a big fan of all of this.

You're welcome for what
I'm about to show you.

Look, guess what they are.

Time-traveling lesbians.

We're not lesbians.

I am.

What is this?
What just let out?

A sale at the burlington
coat factory?

They're Sherlock Holmes
super-fans

coming from a convention,

which means there are
a lot of cats

home alone right now.

Well, I'd say the only mystery

is who here gets laid the least.

Hello.

Cracked it, Watson.

(peter bjorn and John)
* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh *

one of those Sherlock ladies

left her carpal tunnel
brace in here.

No address, but there's
a card that says,

"in case of emergency,
dial 1-800-chocolate."

And I'll take that.

Okay, everybody.

It's that time again...

The diner's big spring clean!

Oh, my god, has it been
six years already?

Too bad i just developed
carpal tunnel.

Max, do you think
you can fake a stroke?

Fake a stroke, fake an orgasm,

basically anything that will
get me out of work.

Okay, we have lots
of chores to do,

and somebody will have
to double up,

because Earl asked me
not to speak to him

for the rest of the night.

Didn't i tell you to keep
my name out your mouth?

So, girls, what do you say
we make it fun, huh?

I'll read a chore.
You raise your hand.

Scrape the fat puddle
from under the stove!

No takers?

Next.

Clear the spider community
in the walk-in!

No takers?

Next.

Clear the spider community

in the dish room!

No takers?

Han, sorry, i can't clean.
I have carpal tunnel.

The doctor says
i can't put any pressure

on my wrist.

And i can't clean either, han.
It's my jaw.

I've got real bad "t.M.Z."

Oh, you girls
are so full of crap,

like that third stall
in the men's room.

Any takers?

She was so friendly
in the job interview.

Bonjour, Max.

Oh, chef Nicolas.

Why am i seeing you
outside of pastry school?

Is it about my flan?

Because no one likes
that stuff anyway.

Oh, no, that's not why I'm here.

I want to speak to Caroline.

But, yes, i gave your flan
a "c" -minus.

It was flat.

Hmm. I'll go get her.
Wow.

First time a teacher's
ever called me flat.

Ow, ow, ow!
Oh, my wrist!

Oh, i thought you were han.

Please, I'm twice the man he is.

Nicolas is here.

What? No, no, no!

He can't be in my personal life!

I'm having a hard enough time
avoiding working with him

at pastry school.

Did i just call the diner
my personal life?

I think so.
I wasn't listening.

So what do i tell him?

Tell him he's married, and i
don't go out with married men.

Tell him what we had
was a passing flirtation.

Tell him now it's over,
and he has to move on.

Got it, you died
in a grease fire.

She's not here yet.

Oh, well, will she be coming?

Will she be coming?
Nope, not anytime soon.

Okay, I'll text her.
Au revoir, Max.

Sir, don't take this
the wrong way,

but you are
one fine-looking man.

Well, thank you very much.

And back at you.

Tell me something i don't know.

Look at this.
Nicolas already texted me.

"Will you have dinner?"
What should i do?

Just ignore it, like I'm doing
with that table

that's flagging me down
right now.

I'm putting a stop
to this Nicolas thing.

"I'll have dinner with you

when you leave your wife."

And se-end.

If you ever say
"se-end" again,

we're not gonna be
"fri-ends."

Hey, everybody!

I just got back from Sundance.

I saw ten mark ruffalo movies,

and i got to watch
Catherine keener dj.

Whoever that is.

I was in an indie movie once.

Well, a guy filmed me
eating a sloppy Joe

in the dressing room
of a sport chalet.

Sophie, how did you get
into the Sundance film festival?

Oh, I'm dating
one of the bigwigs.

He drives the miramax party bus,

and he wears a big wig.

So I'm thinking about producing
my own movie.

You know, getting
into the biz, babe.

[Clicks tongue]

Sophie, if you need an actor,
let me know.

But I'll only do full frontal.

I'll also do partial frontal
or just penis close-ups.

And if you need someone
to play god, a judge,

or an old guy
sitting on a porch,

I'm your man.

[Upbeat alternative music]

*

Everyone, keep piping
your cakes.

Keep piping.

Max, vite, vite.

You need to pipe that more.
That's funny,

because my high school
guidance counselor

told me i need to pipe way less.

Max, you are falling
behind today.

Where's your deke?

In my pants, where it always is.

Oh, you mean deke.

He's got the flu.
It's everywhere.

No one can shake it.
It's like Taylor swift.

Yeah, or pitbull.

Okay, everyone, that's time.

I will see you all tomorrow.
Au revoir, class.

All: Au revoir, chef.

Let's go. Let's go,
let's go, let's go, let's go.

Come on, come on, hurry.
Let's get outta here.

What's the hurry?
You sound like my mother

whenever the real people
who lived in the house

would come home.

We need to leave now,

while Nicolas is in his office.

I don't want him to see me.

I said everything i needed
to say to him

in my last text.

Ooh, i smell scandal.

So I've been hiding
in the stairwell all day.

Guess where those stairs go.

A room where ten vietnamese
women are making

next year's "Prada."

And they do not like visitors.

Oh, is that where you were?

'Cause he asked me,
so i told him you were pooping.

Max, don't tell him I'm pooping!

There's no shame
in it, Caroline.

Everyone poops.

I don't.

I just eat, digest,
and then an angel comes

and takes it away in the night.

Excuse me, John.
This is private.

It's just between us girls.

I know.
That's why I'm standing here.

Okay, I'm ready.
Let me just grab

the medicine i got for deke.

Aw, that's sweet.
You got him antibiotics?

No, i got him Vicodin.
I want him to feel better.

I just have to make it
down the hall

until the elevator
without Nicolas catching me.

Oh, like sexual frogger.

Game over. Your frog
just got hit by a car.

Caroline, there you are.

I can't help feeling you're
avoiding me or something.

Avoiding you? No!
I've been...

Pooping.

For five hours?

She had a reluctant stool.

Oh, is that not helping?

Caroline, i have something
to tell you.

Can we talk?

We're all waiting.

You know in your text
how you said that you won't

have dinner with me
while I'm still married?

Better clear some space
on my dvr.

There's a new scandal.

Well, you can have dinner
with me,

because I'm leaving my wife.

[Gasps]

Uh, hello?
What happened?

Dude told you he was
gonna leave his wife,

and you left faster
than Vladimir putin

at a gay bar.

It's all a blur.
I blacked out.

I don't even know
how i got here.

I think i took the train,
but, Max,

i might have taken the bus.

It came out of nowhere.

I never expected him
to leave his wife.

It came out of your thumbs

when you texted it to him.

Look, when i texted him that,

i was just being flirty.

Flirty is me
not wearing underwear

to the Times Square M&M store.

So you really don't want him
to leave his wife?

No!

I mean, sure, maybe
i fantasized about it,

but in my fantasy
we were on a ski trip,

and i was jumping
up and down, excited,

with my best friend
Jennifer Lawrence.

Cool, maybe call Jen next time

the possum traps you
by the garbage cans.

Look, i thought we were just
having a fun distraction.

You know, a couple kisses,
a dry hump here and there.

Oh, like the cheerleaders
with the good grades.

Exactly. I'm not the type
of person who wants him

to leave his wife.

No, you're the type of person
who almost wants him

to leave his wife.

Yes! Yes, that's me!

I'm the "almost" girl.

I almost lost my virginity
25 times.

This was my conversation
with my friends

every Monday in high school:

"Did you?"

"Almost."

Funny, 'cause i almost
went to high school.

Max, i have to figure out
what to do about Nicolas

before he almost
makes a big mistake

and leaves his wife.

He's not leaving
his wife for you.

It's just a thing you say
to pretty women

to get them into bed.

Like, "I'm a Russian prince,"

or, "that was a good story."

With a tank top collection
like yours,

I'm surprised
you have to say anything.

I know, right?

So you don't really think
he's serious about leaving her?

No. I've told
dozens of women

I'm leaving my wife for them,

and I'm not even married.

Here in America.

That was nice of Oleg.

Just when you think you've seen
every part of a person...

'cause he's shown you
on his phone...

He surprises you.

Oh, i feel so much better.

Nicolas is not going
to leave her.

No, why would he
leave her for you?

Well, you don't have to be
nasty about it.

[Cell phone jingles]

Max, i just got
another text from Nicolas

about him leaving his wife.

Oleg, now he says
he's telling his wife

tomorrow at 4:00
that he's leaving her.

You got a timeframe?

Oh, if he puts a clock on it,
it's happening.

Pick-up, cantaloupe.

Max, there's a clock on it.

But isn't his wife in France?

Yeah, but they Skype every day.

They're like the French jetsons.

He's gonna Skype
break up with her?

That is low.

And smart.
Might steal that move one day.

Oh, good, i see
your wrist is better,

and I'm gonna need some help.

The cleaning situation
has gotten

a little complicated.

The spider communities
are at war.

Han, i can't clean.

I'm in the middle
of ruining someone's marriage.

Then, Max, please.
Things are escalating quickly.

There was
a discarded piece of ham,

and apparently both kingdoms
thought it was theirs.

Oh, no takers?

All right, enough
with all this texting.

I need to stop this.

I have to go
over to his place tomorrow

and tell him face to face.

Tell him face to face?

I don't even have sex
face to face.

I hope Nicolas takes my
breaking it off with him okay,

because in my fantasy
when i told him,

he wouldn't take no
for an answer,

bought me a plane,
and i gave Jennifer Lawrence

a ride home.

In my fantasy,

a talking dragon gave me a cape

that belonged to Jesus.

But that's probably
because i took too many

of deke's Vicodin earlier.

The lobby told me
you were on your way up.

Caroline, i did not expect you.

But you knew I'd be coming?

We need to talk, and Max is here
for moral support.

I know how this works by now.

Come in.

Okay, how do i put this?

How do i put this?
Nicolas,

i came here today to tell you...

To not do that.

But why?
I want you so much.

Okay, you...
You don't want me.

You don't even really know me.

I do. You're sexy
and funny and pretty

and smart.

Okay, you know me a little.

Look, i am not
the type of person

who breaks up marriages.

No, she's the "almost" girl.

She almost breaks up marriages.

Yes, yes, that's who i am.

So i don't want you
to make that call

and break up with your wife
over Skype.

I am not breaking up with her
over Skype.

Okay, great, perfect.
No Skype.

No.
[Door buzzes]

Because that's her in the lobby.

I'm breaking up with her
in person.

[Door buzzing]

Oh, my god, that's your wife
in the lobby?

Your wife is here?

What are we gonna do?

Calm down.
I can fix this.

You need a fake mustache,
a fistful of paprika,

and a new passport.

If you don't have
all three of those things,

i can make it work with two,

as long as one of them
is a mustache.

There's no other way out.

Come on, Max, we have to get
out of here now.

Oh, oh, yeah, and, uh,

don't leave your wife for me.

Whatever we had, it's over.

Oh, and...

This shouldn't reflect badly
on me in school,

'cause i worked hard
for that c-minus.

Stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop, stop.

Okay, but only because she just
got out of the elevator.

She can't find me here.
I can't be this girl.

I don't want to be the whore
he's leaving her for.

[Gasps]
That's my favorite

Dr. Seuss book.

Caroline, what are you saying?

You were just leading me on
this whole time?

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold it, pepe le pew.

And, yes, I've been saving
that one for after finals.

It is not just Caroline.

You're been chasing after her
harder than a fat kid

in a rolling doughnut contest.

That's true.
Wait, wait, Caroline.

Do we still have a shot or not?

No.

Then better go hide
in the bathroom.

I don't want this screwing up
my marriage.

Both: What?

Well, if you're not going
to be with me,

I'm going to have to stay
with my wife.

I mean, I'm a man.
I cannot be alone.

Now, go, go, go.

She cannot find you here
in our apartment.

Why don't you just tell her
the truth,

that nothing happened
between us?

She will not believe me.

I have a history.

There are two of us here.

I also have that history.

[Knock at door]

Nicolas, c'est moi.

Now go, please.

That's the least you can do
after ruining my life.

Almost.
Almost ruined your life.

Come on, Max.

This is totally inconvenient.

My "c" better go up
to a "b."

This is crazy, us hiding
in a married man's bathroom

like a couple of cheap floozies.

So far, I'm just hearing
a factual depiction

of what's happening here.

Let me see what's going on.

[Both speaking French]

I can't understand them.

I thought you spoke French.

Only enough
to impress Americans.

(juliette)
Je dois utiliser les toilettes.

Oh, my god.
Les toilettes.

Les toilettes,
that's where we are.

She's coming in here!
What should we do?

Pretend we're hot plumbers?

Hide in the shower.

I think she might notice us.

You know that's all glass,
right?

Let me just get you
a clean hand towel.

She has to pee-pee.

She can't come in here
to use the toilet,

'cause my life is in it.

I know, this is unfortunate.

So go out the window.

What?

It's not a problem.

There's a ledge wide enough
for you to walk

to the neighbor's terrace,
jump, and get away.

Stephanie did it.

Who's Stephanie?

That's... Not important.

She's fine.

Now go.
You have to go.

Unless you think
you and i still have a shot.

I'll be on the ledge.

Come on, Max.

No way, not happening, Lucy.

If he loses his bad marriage,

I'm responsible.

Almost.
Almost responsible.

Max, i wouldn't even be
in this situation

if i wasn't working with him
to put you

through pastry school.

Oh, so this is my fault?

Max, please just let it
be your fault.

It's completely doable.

By the way, it's raining.

Come on.
We can do this.

We've crawled 15 feet
on our roof

to get illegal cable.

Yeah, for the breaking bad
finale!

Something worth dying for!

Oh.

Oh, my god, are you insane?

Get back in here!

Max, maybe you're right.

We should've taken
the hot plumber route.

I'm coming back.

My legs won't go!

Max, help me back!

Damn it.
Damn it, bitch.

[Speaking French]

She's in the bathroom.

Oh, she closed the window.

[Click]
And she locked it. So go.

Go, go!

If Stephanie did it, we can too.

I can't believe we're up here
all because of him.

I am such a bad judge
of character.

Of course you are.
I'm your best friend.

Max, I'm sorry.
This is bad.

Well, at least it can't get
any worse, unless we fall.

[Thunder rumbles]

Oh!
Or it starts to hail!

Ow! Ow!
Hurts like "hail!"

It's clear!
Come on!

[Whimpers]
I don't wanna die!

Me neither!

That's weird.

For the first time in my life,

i don't want to die.

I have a boyfriend
and my first "b."

Oh, god, I'm getting soft!

I can't die!
I haven't made my comeback yet.

In my fantasy, you and i move
into that penthouse i bought

from Jennifer Lawrence.

Right over there,
with the roof garden, see?

[Screams]

[Screams]
Are you two all right?

I mean, whoever you are.

Am i dead?

Almost. Almost dead.

Oh, my god.

What happened to you two?

Well, we crashed
through a window.

It was pretty dope.

It was kinda like
a die hard movie,

if they ever let girls do
cool stuff in those movies.

The necks all right?

We have whiplash, and i have
some bruises on my back.

Max took the brunt of the fall
but feels nothing

because she's mostly made
of Vicodin.

Well, I'm glad you survived,

because i don't know
what i would do

without you around here.

Aw, thanks, Earl.

[Whispers]
I meant you.

I know.

Max, how were you
ever strong enough

to hold me up with one arm?

It's the arm i used to drag
my mother

out of bars with as a baby.

Well, i want to say
something to you.

I hope you know
that if you were the one

that slipped on that ledge...

I would be dead.

Well, I'm glad that's
out in the open.

Everybody!

I have an update about my life!

Oh, whoa.

What happened to you two?

Sophie, we had an accident.
It's a long story.

Yeah, all of yours are.

(Sophie)
Well,

I'm out of the movie business.

I broke up with my bigwig
from miramax.

We got in a huge fight,

and he threw his big wig at me.

He told me I'd never eat lunch
in this town again.

And i said, "hey,

if I'm in town,
I'm eating lunch, baby!"

Oh, no.

No, no, no, i don't have
spider bites over half my body

so you two could fake
another injury.

Nice try.

Oh!

Ooh, I'll bet that hurts.