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1
00:00:01,035 --> 00:00:02,703
Hey, I'm sleeping
at Deke's house tonight.
2
00:00:02,770 --> 00:00:04,638
Wink, wink, winky-wink.
3
00:00:05,139 --> 00:00:07,775
Deke's house?
You mean your boyfriend's dumpster?
4
00:00:09,577 --> 00:00:11,879
-Yeah. So I need a, uh...
-Tetanus shot?
5
00:00:13,114 --> 00:00:14,648
Higher standards?
6
00:00:15,249 --> 00:00:19,187
No, a condom. I'm about to have sex
and I want it to feel bad.
7
00:00:20,388 --> 00:00:22,490
I should have one in my purse
from the last time I had sex.
8
00:00:22,623 --> 00:00:24,958
They had purses
the last time you had sex?
9
00:00:26,060 --> 00:00:28,496
No, we carried animal hides
tied with sticks.
10
00:00:28,662 --> 00:00:30,764
It hasn't been that long.
11
00:00:30,898 --> 00:00:33,901
Oh, here's one next to this movie
ticket stub from Precious.
12
00:00:36,237 --> 00:00:37,805
Okay, it's been that long.
13
00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:41,109
You saw Precious without a condom?
14
00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:44,578
It says,
"Best if used before September 2012."
15
00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:46,514
Just like the milk here.
16
00:00:47,181 --> 00:00:48,949
I wish I knew a guy with a condom.
17
00:00:49,483 --> 00:00:52,653
(WHISTLING)
18
00:00:55,623 --> 00:00:57,425
A man. Any man.
19
00:00:59,427 --> 00:01:01,162
Oleg, do you happen to have...
(BELL RINGS)
20
00:01:05,966 --> 00:01:07,835
Okay, this should get you
through the night,
21
00:01:07,968 --> 00:01:11,972
but if it doesn't, you can use
this freezer bag and a rubber band.
22
00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:15,309
♪ (THEME MUSIC) ♪
23
00:01:15,743 --> 00:01:17,411
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
24
00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:25,953
Max, I laid out the little cups,
25
00:01:26,019 --> 00:01:27,821
so all you have to do
is fill them with coleslaw.
26
00:01:27,888 --> 00:01:31,058
Said the girl who was on
the Forbes Top Ten To Watch list.
27
00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:33,827
I can't do my side work tonight.
28
00:01:34,128 --> 00:01:35,529
Normally I'd say
it's because I'm drunk,
29
00:01:35,663 --> 00:01:38,499
but tonight it's because
my back hurts and I'm drunk.
30
00:01:39,333 --> 00:01:41,602
Here, babe. I got you something that
might help your back feel better.
31
00:01:41,735 --> 00:01:43,237
A breast reduction?
32
00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:46,340
No!
33
00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:52,180
Why would you spit
in the face of God?
34
00:01:53,481 --> 00:01:56,717
Everybody, calm down.
Those aren't going anywhere.
35
00:01:57,050 --> 00:01:59,353
And if they are,
I am going with them.
36
00:02:00,254 --> 00:02:02,490
I got some cooling patches
to soothe her muscles.
37
00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:04,658
And when that doesn't work,
38
00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:07,761
I have another brand
called Maui Wowie.
39
00:02:07,995 --> 00:02:09,129
(BELL RINGS)
OLEG: Pick up!
40
00:02:09,230 --> 00:02:11,399
-I'll see you later. Love you.
-Love you.
41
00:02:12,266 --> 00:02:14,101
Deke, breath.
What is that?
42
00:02:14,235 --> 00:02:16,837
Teriyaki beef jerky.
Why, is it bad?
43
00:02:17,438 --> 00:02:19,607
No. Give me another hit.
44
00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:24,512
That is delicious!
45
00:02:25,546 --> 00:02:26,814
You know it!
46
00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:34,255
Max, since you guys are getting
serious, why not go on the pill?
47
00:02:34,588 --> 00:02:38,392
So every night you won't have to play
"What can we turn into a condom?"
48
00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:41,161
The pill is, like, 50 bucks a month.
49
00:02:41,329 --> 00:02:43,464
That's more than it costs
to raise a damn baby.
50
00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:47,167
Well, your boyfriend's rich.
He can afford to pay for it.
51
00:02:47,635 --> 00:02:49,537
Great. Now I'm a white-trash mom.
52
00:02:51,539 --> 00:02:52,940
Uh-uh. No way.
53
00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:55,443
I'm saving Deke's fortune
for more important things,
54
00:02:55,576 --> 00:02:57,945
like Doritos Dinamita.
55
00:02:58,879 --> 00:03:01,415
Pretty much the filet mignon
of corn chips.
56
00:03:02,115 --> 00:03:03,784
I mean, I'd be on the pill right now,
57
00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:05,486
but the one man interested in me
is married,
58
00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:08,256
so I guess
that's more of a bitter pill.
59
00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:09,723
Seriously, Max.
Think about it.
60
00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:12,526
Fine.
Why don't guys have to take the pill?
61
00:03:12,660 --> 00:03:15,929
We have to take all the pills.
Birth control, Midol, roofies.
62
00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:19,700
Bonjour, Caroline!
63
00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:22,870
Chef Nicolas.
What are you doing in the diner?
64
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:25,205
Oh, no. I never wanted you
to see me wearing this.
65
00:03:25,339 --> 00:03:27,241
Yeah, so be a gentleman
and take a step back
66
00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:29,977
'cause as bad as it looks,
it smells worse.
67
00:03:31,445 --> 00:03:34,482
-I think you look beautiful.
-Your wife looks beautiful!
68
00:03:35,816 --> 00:03:37,618
Oh, yeah.
Get it, girl.
69
00:03:40,421 --> 00:03:42,323
May I see you alone
over there in the, uh...
70
00:03:42,456 --> 00:03:44,725
I guess one would call it
a restaurant?
71
00:03:45,493 --> 00:03:47,295
But just for a minute.
I'm working.
72
00:03:48,128 --> 00:03:49,897
-What's that smell?
-That's today's special.
73
00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:51,064
Beef pot pie.
74
00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:52,500
Oh, it doesn't smell like beef.
75
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:55,936
That's because it's not beef, it's
not made today and it's not special.
76
00:03:58,071 --> 00:03:59,106
Listen, Caroline.
77
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:02,943
We have all this relationship drama
and we're not even in a relationship.
78
00:04:03,277 --> 00:04:06,547
Please get to know me better.
Come to my home for dinner.
79
00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:09,049
Dinner at your home?
Just you and me?
80
00:04:09,182 --> 00:04:10,684
How do you think your wife
would feel about that?
81
00:04:10,818 --> 00:04:12,853
We have an open relationship.
82
00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:16,056
Did you think I'm the type of man
who would have sex with another woman
83
00:04:16,189 --> 00:04:18,091
without asking my wife?
84
00:04:19,393 --> 00:04:21,462
That is so American!
85
00:04:23,431 --> 00:04:25,232
-Max?
-Why are you calling Max?
86
00:04:25,299 --> 00:04:27,501
I wanna make sure
I haven't lost my mind.
87
00:04:28,201 --> 00:04:29,703
Nicolas said
he told his wife about me
88
00:04:29,837 --> 00:04:32,406
and she gave him permission
for us to sleep together.
89
00:04:32,540 --> 00:04:34,107
Ha! Good one!
90
00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:38,979
My boss at Quiznos once told me
his wife's dying wish
91
00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:40,381
was that I let him motorboat me.
92
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:46,554
Okay, so she may have been
motorboated out of Quiznos.
93
00:04:46,687 --> 00:04:48,188
But I am not falling for this.
94
00:04:48,322 --> 00:04:50,358
Yes, I thought
you wouldn't believe me,
95
00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:53,361
so I set up a Skype call with her
from France on Friday.
96
00:04:54,428 --> 00:04:57,898
Wait, you want me to Skype
with your wife about sex?
97
00:04:58,065 --> 00:04:59,800
Am I on Dr. Phil?
98
00:04:59,933 --> 00:05:01,669
(POLISH ACCENT) Hey, everybody!
99
00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:08,442
I got a new dress and it's bitchin'!
100
00:05:11,178 --> 00:05:15,182
Oh. Hey, look at him.
101
00:05:17,250 --> 00:05:20,954
Nobody told me
they added beefcake to the menu.
102
00:05:22,122 --> 00:05:26,827
Excuse me! Beefcake has been on the
menu since I started working here.
103
00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:31,131
Wow, wow!
104
00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:37,004
Finally, there's somebody
in the diner as good-looking as me.
105
00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:42,910
-Hi. I'm Sophie Kuchenski.
-Nicolas Saintcroix.
106
00:05:43,377 --> 00:05:44,412
(GASPS EXCITEDLY)
107
00:05:44,645 --> 00:05:46,814
And he's French too?
108
00:05:46,947 --> 00:05:49,583
Oh, come on!
109
00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:53,120
I'm sorry. I was in the middle
of a conversation with Caroline.
110
00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:55,789
(MOANING)
111
00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:00,093
Who?
112
00:06:00,227 --> 00:06:02,730
Me, the one whose feet
you're standing on.
113
00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:05,999
Oh. Oh, wait a minute.
114
00:06:06,299 --> 00:06:08,436
Is this the married guy?
115
00:06:09,537 --> 00:06:12,005
Oh, girl!
116
00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:17,077
I'm gonna give you two days'
head start and then he's mine!
117
00:06:24,985 --> 00:06:25,986
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
118
00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:28,522
Why do you care what his wife thinks
about your hair?
119
00:06:28,589 --> 00:06:30,824
You're not gonna be
sleeping with her.
120
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:33,727
Although you'd be
a lot more interesting if you did.
121
00:06:33,861 --> 00:06:35,963
I'm not gonna
be sleeping with him either.
122
00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:38,532
And when I tell his wife that,
I wanna look good doing it.
123
00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:40,901
I have to look 20 percent
better than her.
124
00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:42,603
And since Skype
makes you look 20 percent worse,
125
00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:45,338
I have to look 40 percent better
than I do now.
126
00:06:46,306 --> 00:06:48,308
You realize talking about math
in a hair salon
127
00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:49,777
is my worst nightmare, right?
128
00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:52,846
Welcome to the Tristan Evans salon.
129
00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:56,550
Hi! Hello!
We're here for the student haircut.
130
00:06:57,851 --> 00:06:58,852
I'm sorry?
131
00:06:58,986 --> 00:07:01,288
The six dollar haircuts
for poor people
132
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,591
from the people who don't really know
how to cut hair yet.
133
00:07:03,724 --> 00:07:06,860
Max, that's not true.
This is the Tristan Evans salon.
134
00:07:06,994 --> 00:07:09,429
I'm sure that everyone
that's enrolled here is a genius.
135
00:07:09,563 --> 00:07:11,532
At least tell me they're gay.
136
00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:13,501
Just have a seat over there.
137
00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:15,302
I'll have somebody come up
from the hair school and--
138
00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:19,206
So loud! Hair school. Got it.
139
00:07:19,372 --> 00:07:22,009
We'll just take a seat over there
till they arrive.
140
00:07:22,610 --> 00:07:24,678
Girl, you just sit there, relax,
141
00:07:24,978 --> 00:07:27,314
and let Jameis make this head major.
142
00:07:28,549 --> 00:07:31,384
So weird 'cause I majored in head.
143
00:07:32,319 --> 00:07:34,387
Girl, you are all everything.
144
00:07:35,623 --> 00:07:36,657
(MOANING)
145
00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:39,660
That's a little cold.
I'm sorry, what was your name again?
146
00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:41,795
Dan.
147
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,464
Uh-huh. Dan? So just Dan?
148
00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:47,000
You're not, like,
a Danny or a Dantrell?
149
00:07:48,368 --> 00:07:51,104
Dan. I need to get conditioner.
150
00:07:52,706 --> 00:07:54,608
Damn it, Max!
I got a straight one.
151
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:56,443
What makes you think he's straight?
152
00:07:56,577 --> 00:07:59,379
He keeps pushing my head down
before I'm ready.
153
00:08:02,750 --> 00:08:03,984
Is the water too warm?
154
00:08:04,117 --> 00:08:05,819
Why? Are my pants too wet?
155
00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:09,256
Girl, are we in love?
156
00:08:10,891 --> 00:08:12,926
Max, I need you to give me your gay.
157
00:08:13,060 --> 00:08:17,230
Yeah, right! I'd give you
my left nut before I give you my gay.
158
00:08:18,632 --> 00:08:20,233
You weren't even gonna
get your hair done.
159
00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:23,403
Yeah, but I always wanted to know
what it felt like to get a shampoo
160
00:08:23,571 --> 00:08:26,506
without a school nurse running
that tiny comb through my hair.
161
00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:29,743
Dan, I have a magazine over there
162
00:08:29,877 --> 00:08:32,680
with a photo
of a chic, piece-y, choppy bob.
163
00:08:32,813 --> 00:08:33,814
You can do that, right?
164
00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:36,249
Sure. Piece-y bob. Got it.
165
00:08:39,386 --> 00:08:42,155
-'Sup?
-Dan, Dan, Dan!
166
00:08:45,158 --> 00:08:47,494
Okay, done.
You're ready to cut.
167
00:08:49,797 --> 00:08:53,601
Let's go. I can't risk
some discount hetero cutting my hair.
168
00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:57,104
I'll see you at home.
I'm pretty close to a hairgasm.
169
00:08:57,237 --> 00:09:00,240
That should've been mine.
I haven't had a hairgasm in years.
170
00:09:01,341 --> 00:09:03,276
She hasn't had any gasm in years.
171
00:09:09,016 --> 00:09:10,718
(CAROLINE GASPS)
172
00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:17,390
Oh, my God! Max, is that hair
your new form of birth control?
173
00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:20,961
You look like Dame Edna.
174
00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:23,030
That's what I asked for!
175
00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:26,099
Hello!
176
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:31,004
Now my outside matches my inside
177
00:09:31,138 --> 00:09:32,773
because I've always been
an old drag queen
178
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:35,442
trapped inside the body
of a young black girl.
179
00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:37,811
(KNOCKING)
180
00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:41,448
Hello!
181
00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:46,153
Oh, hi, Max.
Oh, I used to wear my hair like that.
182
00:09:46,286 --> 00:09:49,489
I used it to smuggle cheese
and cigarettes into the prison.
183
00:09:50,724 --> 00:09:52,125
Oh, hey, Caroline.
184
00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:53,961
Just checking.
185
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:57,597
Still not sleeping with that
French guy that I'm sleeping with?
186
00:09:57,765 --> 00:09:59,700
Still not, Sophie.
He's married.
187
00:09:59,833 --> 00:10:01,501
Well, good
188
00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:05,105
'cause I'm here to talk to that wife
and throw my hoo-ha into the ring.
189
00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:09,877
Yeah, I even bought myself a flat
French hat to make me more French.
190
00:10:10,010 --> 00:10:13,847
Yeah, I got me the hat 'cause I
didn't have time to grow out my pits.
191
00:10:16,784 --> 00:10:19,419
Okay, the call is in one minute.
I'll just do it from here.
192
00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:21,722
I was planning to be holding
my Louis Vuitton shopping bag,
193
00:10:22,055 --> 00:10:23,757
but the cat took a dump in it.
194
00:10:24,391 --> 00:10:25,959
And, Max, bring that lamp
closer to my face,
195
00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:27,928
so I don't have eight Skype chins.
196
00:10:28,061 --> 00:10:31,665
Fine, but if I get too close
to the bulb, my hair might blow up.
197
00:10:31,932 --> 00:10:33,166
(SKYPE RINGING)
198
00:10:33,566 --> 00:10:35,135
Here she is. Sophie, good-bye.
199
00:10:35,302 --> 00:10:37,705
Oh, no, I'm not leaving, baby.
200
00:10:37,838 --> 00:10:40,573
That French hottie and I
are perfect for each other.
201
00:10:40,874 --> 00:10:42,342
I mean, look at me.
202
00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:45,979
I'm wearing a beret.
I have a baguette.
203
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:48,181
Bonjour, bitches!
204
00:10:50,417 --> 00:10:54,321
Okay, take a deep breath
and remember, this is ridiculous.
205
00:10:57,725 --> 00:10:58,792
Bonjour, Caroline.
206
00:10:58,926 --> 00:11:00,593
Bonjour. You must be Juliette.
207
00:11:00,728 --> 00:11:02,062
It is nice to meet you.
208
00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:03,630
And you as well, Juliette.
209
00:11:03,731 --> 00:11:05,866
I just want to set the record
straight about Nicolas and I.
210
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,167
I am not the type of--
211
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:11,138
Yes, you have my permission
to sleep with Nicolas. Au revoir.
212
00:11:13,273 --> 00:11:14,942
That's it? She's gone?
213
00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:18,378
I didn't even get to say
"hos before bros" in French.
214
00:11:19,046 --> 00:11:20,781
So much more to say.
215
00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:24,017
What more is there to say?
She said we could sleep with him!
216
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:30,623
No, I'm never sleeping with Nicolas,
no matter what his wife says.
217
00:11:30,924 --> 00:11:32,960
Good, 'cause you could never
share a French guy.
218
00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:35,095
You won't even share
your French toast.
219
00:11:38,598 --> 00:11:39,666
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
220
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,369
Thanks for coming. I promise,
just one drink at Nicolas'.
221
00:11:42,669 --> 00:11:44,071
And then we'll go to the movies.
222
00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:46,840
And Max, I can't believe you went out
with that hair in public.
223
00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:51,244
I like it. You look like
my Aunt Esther, but not as hot.
224
00:11:54,114 --> 00:11:58,685
Oh, Caroline. I see you brought Deke
and... Max's mother?
225
00:12:00,754 --> 00:12:02,589
The only thing this hair
and my mother have in common
226
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:04,257
is they're both high.
227
00:12:05,759 --> 00:12:06,860
Nicolas, I'm not staying.
228
00:12:07,027 --> 00:12:08,361
I know you went
to a lot of trouble with dinner,
229
00:12:08,695 --> 00:12:11,231
so I didn't want to be rude,
but we can only stay for one drink.
230
00:12:11,364 --> 00:12:12,532
God, you look beautiful.
231
00:12:12,866 --> 00:12:14,101
Maybe two drinks.
232
00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:16,236
But definitely no dinner.
233
00:12:18,138 --> 00:12:19,206
(BELCHING)
234
00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:21,975
Well, that dinner
we weren't staying for was delicious.
235
00:12:23,643 --> 00:12:25,913
Yeah, we should not stay more often.
236
00:12:27,214 --> 00:12:28,916
I like your loft, man.
237
00:12:29,049 --> 00:12:32,752
It's the perfect place to live if you
like to commit really sexy crimes.
238
00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:36,289
-Well, we should go.
-No. You're not staying for dessert?
239
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:37,891
You're breaking my heart.
240
00:12:38,558 --> 00:12:41,094
Well, maybe just one piece.
We can share it.
241
00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:43,396
(SPEAKNG IN FRENCH)
242
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,833
I thought you didn't wanna share.
243
00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:50,070
He's not married to his dessert, Max,
and it's just one piece.
244
00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:52,239
We're here,
so he doesn't get a piece!
245
00:12:54,207 --> 00:12:57,144
You got a pretty sweet setup
for a married man who's single.
246
00:12:58,879 --> 00:13:00,848
Crème caramel au coconut cake.
247
00:13:00,981 --> 00:13:02,515
Well, it's no Fudgie the Whale.
248
00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:04,251
Thanks.
249
00:13:05,018 --> 00:13:08,455
I love to cook for friends.
Beautiful friends.
250
00:13:09,356 --> 00:13:11,758
Nicolas, just because your wife
gave me permission
251
00:13:11,892 --> 00:13:14,661
does not mean I'm gonna let you
take me over to that king-size bed,
252
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:16,763
with what looks like
really good sheets,
253
00:13:16,897 --> 00:13:18,999
and make love to me all night long.
254
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:20,834
And then again that morning.
255
00:13:22,735 --> 00:13:23,871
So how's your back, Esther?
256
00:13:24,004 --> 00:13:26,940
Oh, Morty.
I have to tell you something.
257
00:13:27,107 --> 00:13:29,042
Is it your heart?
258
00:13:29,176 --> 00:13:32,412
-No, I'm on the pill.
-I know. You're on a lot of pills.
259
00:13:33,246 --> 00:13:36,516
-No, the pill-pill.
-The pill-pill-pill?
260
00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:39,419
Yeah, see?
You just pop 'em out one at a time.
261
00:13:39,552 --> 00:13:41,188
They're like Pez for sluts.
262
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:45,292
Speaking of sluts....
263
00:13:49,529 --> 00:13:51,031
Oh, boy, this is awkward.
264
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:53,733
And I've testified
against half my family.
265
00:13:55,235 --> 00:13:57,871
I agree, Max.
Things are a little uncomfortable.
266
00:13:58,205 --> 00:14:01,608
So why don't we just make this
as weird as possible?
267
00:14:01,741 --> 00:14:03,743
Damn it! I knew he was gonna kill us!
268
00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:07,881
(FRENCH MUSIC PLAYS
THROUGH STEREO)
269
00:14:08,148 --> 00:14:09,282
Tango, anyone?
270
00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:12,219
Honestly, I prefer if you kill us.
271
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:15,923
Okay, well, we gotta go, Esther.
272
00:14:16,056 --> 00:14:20,427
No, Morty, sit down! I'm not missing
the show. It comes with dinner.
273
00:14:21,895 --> 00:14:23,997
Tango?
Nicolas, you cannot be serious.
274
00:14:24,297 --> 00:14:26,599
Oh, maybe you cannot dance, Caroline?
275
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:28,568
Can't dance?
276
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:31,804
One summer, I taught ballroom dance
to homeless teens.
277
00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:35,075
Because when you're dancing,
you're not hungry?
278
00:14:41,048 --> 00:14:44,717
Fast-forward. This is my least
favorite part of the Addams Family.
279
00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:48,721
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
280
00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:54,594
Look at his pants.
281
00:14:54,761 --> 00:14:58,198
I know. That tango
is giving him even less ball room.
282
00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:03,570
Stay. We don't have to have sex.
283
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:06,173
-We don't?
-I promise.
284
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:10,143
I have to go to the restroom, Max.
So do you.
285
00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:13,246
Come in, come in,
come in, come in, come in!
286
00:15:14,547 --> 00:15:17,617
-Okay, where's the coke?
-There is no coke!
287
00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:20,687
Why would you call anyone into
a bathroom if you don't have coke?
288
00:15:20,820 --> 00:15:21,821
That's rude!
289
00:15:21,955 --> 00:15:24,157
No, I was just gonna talk to you.
290
00:15:24,291 --> 00:15:26,793
Oh, then I'm definitely
gonna need coke.
291
00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:29,129
Okay, look.
You are not sleeping with him.
292
00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:30,597
Of course not.
293
00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:32,765
But tonight I'm thinking
there's something special here.
294
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:34,801
I mean, we talked and we laughed.
295
00:15:35,102 --> 00:15:37,304
What is this?
"Previously On Caroline"?
296
00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:43,643
If you guys are doing blow in here
without me, I'm gonna be so pissed.
297
00:15:45,212 --> 00:15:48,781
I wish. No, Caroline wants
to have sex with Nicolas.
298
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,417
Even after that tango?
299
00:15:51,818 --> 00:15:55,322
Listen, now I'm thinking I wanna
sleep over, but not have sex.
300
00:15:56,089 --> 00:15:58,525
Is that where he puts it in,
but doesn't move it around?
301
00:16:01,228 --> 00:16:03,030
That's what I do
when you're passed out.
302
00:16:03,830 --> 00:16:05,932
That's what I do
when you're passed out.
303
00:16:06,699 --> 00:16:10,237
Look, nothing is going in anywhere.
I just wanna get to know him better.
304
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:12,872
You really think
you can sleep in his bed with him
305
00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:15,775
and not use his penis
as a body pillow?
306
00:16:15,908 --> 00:16:19,146
Of course. I've done that with
every boy on the Upper East Side.
307
00:16:19,279 --> 00:16:21,448
That's why they called me
the East Side Snuggler.
308
00:16:23,616 --> 00:16:26,186
And trust me, even though his wife
begged me to have sex with him,
309
00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:27,487
I'm not going to.
310
00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:29,989
But didn't you tell us
the whole reason you dragged us here
311
00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:32,092
was because you were afraid
of being alone with him?
312
00:16:32,225 --> 00:16:34,727
What is this?
"Previously On Caroline"?
313
00:16:35,062 --> 00:16:36,296
Look, I get it.
314
00:16:36,629 --> 00:16:39,266
And if you two really don't think I'm
capable of not having sex with him,
315
00:16:39,399 --> 00:16:42,035
then hang out for a bit
until you're sure that I'm fine.
316
00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:45,305
Fine,
but we are not staying all night.
317
00:16:51,411 --> 00:16:52,812
Here are some blankets for you,
Max and Deke.
318
00:16:53,713 --> 00:16:56,416
You can take the couch.
Caroline and I will take the bed.
319
00:16:56,883 --> 00:16:58,885
Once again, our apologies.
320
00:16:59,052 --> 00:17:02,955
We are just too drunk to go.
Too drunk!
321
00:17:03,090 --> 00:17:05,225
You did share that one glass of wine.
322
00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:07,527
Yup, we are too drunk!
323
00:17:08,495 --> 00:17:11,164
So, too drunk to walk?
324
00:17:11,831 --> 00:17:13,500
Well, I don't know.
You be the judge.
325
00:17:17,504 --> 00:17:19,506
I am so sorry about this.
326
00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:22,275
It's fine, Caroline.
I know what's going on here.
327
00:17:22,609 --> 00:17:25,178
Oh, and Nicolas, before you go,
328
00:17:25,312 --> 00:17:31,451
I just wanted to say thanks again
for the drinks, the dinner...
329
00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:37,157
...the dessert, my pillow...
and Deke's pillow.
330
00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:41,961
We get it, Grandma. Good night.
We'll be right over there.
331
00:17:42,862 --> 00:17:44,764
And I'll be right over here.
332
00:17:44,931 --> 00:17:48,201
Good night, sleep tight, don't let
the bedbugs have sex with you.
333
00:17:51,037 --> 00:17:53,140
Uh, you and I are gonna do it, right?
334
00:17:53,306 --> 00:17:55,975
Oh, yeah!
Think I took my pill this morning.
335
00:17:56,109 --> 00:17:58,378
Either that or I didn't take my pill.
336
00:17:58,511 --> 00:18:02,582
Wow, Max, this is a big step that
you may or may not have taken today.
337
00:18:02,715 --> 00:18:04,817
You know, if it's too much trouble,
we don't have to go off condoms.
338
00:18:04,984 --> 00:18:08,755
So you're the one guy in the world
who wants to still wear a condom?
339
00:18:08,888 --> 00:18:11,291
-Do you have something?
-No, it's not like that.
340
00:18:11,624 --> 00:18:13,860
I'm just saying the pill
is a big commitment.
341
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:16,396
Oh, so do you not wanna
take this step?
342
00:18:16,729 --> 00:18:19,499
Because I went to planned parenthood
and I never plan anything.
343
00:18:20,032 --> 00:18:22,235
-Max, I guess I'm just surprised--
-Hold that thought.
344
00:18:22,402 --> 00:18:24,771
-I hear nothing.
-So?
345
00:18:25,472 --> 00:18:29,242
So that's what Caroline
sounds like during sex!
346
00:18:29,376 --> 00:18:31,644
Keep talking like I'm here.
347
00:18:33,646 --> 00:18:38,017
Oh, yeah, baby!
Right there! That's the spot!
348
00:18:38,151 --> 00:18:39,952
Yeah, now slap my face with 'em!
349
00:18:43,190 --> 00:18:44,991
Well, if you were still here,
that's what I'd be saying.
350
00:18:45,925 --> 00:18:47,194
I'm sorry. I'll switch it up.
351
00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:49,629
Uh, go fish, Max!
352
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:54,967
-Max, what are you doing?
-What are you doing?
353
00:18:55,101 --> 00:18:59,172
We're fine.
We're just lying here talking.
354
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:03,876
-No, we're not. I'm really turned on.
-Why? What's he doing to you?
355
00:19:04,010 --> 00:19:07,614
It's not him, it's me.
I'm the predator here.
356
00:19:07,914 --> 00:19:09,682
You were right. You better stop me.
Get up here with us.
357
00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:12,452
I'm not getting in bed with you!
358
00:19:13,553 --> 00:19:16,189
Max, just get in the bed.
359
00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:18,591
I know a Jacques-Bloc when I see one.
360
00:19:19,626 --> 00:19:23,530
I am so sorry. This is silly.
I know it must be hard for you.
361
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:25,732
Uh, not anymore.
362
00:19:32,305 --> 00:19:34,574
You know, last night
when you and I were in bed,
363
00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:36,276
I realized I guess Nicolas
is just gonna be
364
00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:37,477
one of those people in my life
365
00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:40,847
that I'm always gonna almost have sex
with, but I never will, you know?
366
00:19:40,980 --> 00:19:43,049
Yeah, like me and you.
367
00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:45,918
-Hey, Deke.
-Hey, Earl.
368
00:19:46,052 --> 00:19:48,221
Best conversation I had today.
369
00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:53,025
Max, last night I got the idea
that maybe you thought
370
00:19:53,159 --> 00:19:55,295
that I didn't wanna take
our relationship to the next level.
371
00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:57,264
What is this?
"Previously On Deke"?
372
00:19:58,030 --> 00:20:02,269
And just to prove that I do wanna go
to the next level, I got you a ring.
373
00:20:03,570 --> 00:20:06,539
Oh, my God, Max!
I'm so happy for you!
374
00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:08,908
Even though I thought
I'd be the first one to get engaged.
375
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,610
I think we all thought that.
376
00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:14,080
Deke, I don't know what
you're gonna pull out of your pocket,
377
00:20:14,247 --> 00:20:16,115
but it better be a gun.
378
00:20:16,249 --> 00:20:18,351
Actually,
I know you don't want a ring-ring.
379
00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:21,421
But how about a NuvaRing?
380
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:25,692
A NuvaRing?
How did you know my size?
381
00:20:26,025 --> 00:20:28,227
I can't wait to try it on.
382
00:20:28,395 --> 00:20:30,930
Well, I am not throwing you
a shower for that.
383
00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:36,102
After I saw how you maybe forgot
to take your pill on day one,
384
00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:39,272
and then took pills all day
just to be safe,
385
00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:40,807
I thought you'd need a little help.
386
00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:43,476
So there, Max.
Will you not have children with me?
387
00:20:43,776 --> 00:20:45,412
You're damn right I won't.
388
00:20:46,879 --> 00:20:49,115
Oh, wait, I think these take
a couple days to work.
389
00:20:49,282 --> 00:20:51,150
Where are we gonna get
a condom for tonight?
390
00:20:51,818 --> 00:20:54,153
(WHISTLING)
391
00:21:01,060 --> 00:21:02,895
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
392
00:21:27,887 --> 00:21:28,888
(English US - SDH)
31232
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