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1
00:00:01,635 --> 00:00:05,539
Welcome to the diner
ATM ribbon-cutting ceremony.
2
00:00:05,606 --> 00:00:07,675
(HUMS DRUMROLL)
3
00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:11,545
Everyone knows he's holding
normal-size scissors, right?
4
00:00:13,047 --> 00:00:16,350
Han's just excited there's something
in the diner the same size as him.
5
00:00:18,119 --> 00:00:19,687
Uh, this is just
another waste of time.
6
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,689
Like when you opened the diner.
7
00:00:23,324 --> 00:00:26,327
This machine
is now open for business!
8
00:00:29,930 --> 00:00:31,065
After you're done with those,
9
00:00:31,365 --> 00:00:34,668
I need to do a little man-scaping
on my love mound.
10
00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:39,173
And after you're done with that,
you can throw them away.
11
00:00:39,307 --> 00:00:41,175
(POLISH ACCENT) Hey, everybody!
12
00:00:44,212 --> 00:00:45,413
What's that yellow tape?
13
00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:47,381
Did someone die again?
14
00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:50,184
No, Sophie, we got an ATM.
15
00:00:50,318 --> 00:00:53,921
I thought we already had an ATM:
"Asian Transgender Male."
16
00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:58,159
Well, thank you for saying "male."
17
00:00:58,959 --> 00:01:02,130
Well, move outta the way!
This broad's gotta do some bankin'!
18
00:01:03,231 --> 00:01:05,032
Be careful. You're the very first.
19
00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:08,602
We know how long you've been waiting
to say that to a woman.
20
00:01:10,037 --> 00:01:11,705
♪ (THEME MUSIC) ♪
21
00:01:11,839 --> 00:01:13,507
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
22
00:01:23,317 --> 00:01:26,787
Okay. No sign of Deke, the cops
or nosy white folk. Let's break in.
23
00:01:27,855 --> 00:01:31,058
I don't understand why we're breaking
into your boyfriend's dumpster.
24
00:01:31,192 --> 00:01:34,395
The only thing I understand less
is how you pee standing up.
25
00:01:35,963 --> 00:01:37,865
Why? How do you pee?
26
00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:40,501
Look, I am breaking up with Deke,
so now's the part of the relationship
27
00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:42,203
where I sneak in his place
and get my stuff out
28
00:01:42,336 --> 00:01:44,672
to avoid telling him
I'm breaking up with him.
29
00:01:44,805 --> 00:01:48,476
Well, you just cut an hour
out of every romantic comedy.
30
00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:50,511
You're welcome.
31
00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:57,117
This is the first guy I dated
that has a crank.
32
00:01:57,251 --> 00:01:58,852
Most of them just did crank.
33
00:02:00,188 --> 00:02:01,822
Okay, so here's the plan.
34
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,357
Climb up on the garbage,
35
00:02:03,491 --> 00:02:05,226
unsnap the windows,
dive in the dumpster
36
00:02:05,359 --> 00:02:06,527
and grab the spare key
on the counter.
37
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:10,464
Do you look at life as just a game
of "set new lows for Caroline"?
38
00:02:10,598 --> 00:02:11,799
Why do I have to do it?
39
00:02:11,932 --> 00:02:14,067
I'm on parole, Caroline.
40
00:02:14,368 --> 00:02:18,105
We're breaking into a dumpster.
I don't even think that's illegal.
41
00:02:18,239 --> 00:02:20,841
I didn't either.
That's why I'm on parole.
42
00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:28,682
Light on the right. Key on the left.
43
00:02:31,519 --> 00:02:34,222
We did this once after Deke
left his keys at our favorite bar,
44
00:02:34,355 --> 00:02:36,757
which is actually just a liquor
store where they let you drink.
45
00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:39,560
They turn a blind eye.
Well, the guy is blind.
46
00:02:42,196 --> 00:02:44,698
Yeah, Deke always found cool places.
47
00:02:45,733 --> 00:02:48,736
Then why are you breaking up
with him? He's perfect for you.
48
00:02:48,902 --> 00:02:52,473
You both think living in a tuna can
is an acceptable habitat.
49
00:02:52,606 --> 00:02:54,174
So what if he has money?
50
00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:57,378
People with money
don't live in the same reality.
51
00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:59,813
You think Donald Trump
would have that hair if he were poor?
52
00:03:00,548 --> 00:03:02,049
Now, come on.
Let's get my toothbrush and scram.
53
00:03:02,783 --> 00:03:06,186
You bought a toothbrush?
Oh, you really liked him.
54
00:03:07,555 --> 00:03:09,690
Wait, Max,
is that one of your gnomes?
55
00:03:10,324 --> 00:03:12,326
Oh, my God,
you were practically moving in!
56
00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:16,163
And it's your favorite one,
Gnome-o-sexual!
57
00:03:16,664 --> 00:03:21,635
No, this is my second-favorite.
My favorite is Gnome More Drama.
58
00:03:21,769 --> 00:03:24,772
And he's not here because
he don't want no more drama
59
00:03:24,905 --> 00:03:26,407
and, frankly, neither do I.
60
00:03:28,676 --> 00:03:29,943
Come on. Let's go.
61
00:03:30,077 --> 00:03:32,846
You don't have to ask me twice
to get out of a dumpster.
62
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:39,320
DEKE: Well, well!
If it isn't Max-a-million!
63
00:03:39,453 --> 00:03:42,656
Or should I say,
"Max who hates my millions"?
64
00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:45,058
Shouldn't you be occupying
Wall Street or something?
65
00:03:45,593 --> 00:03:47,160
I am just here for my toothbrush
66
00:03:47,328 --> 00:03:49,463
and then I'll leave you
in your ivory dumpster
67
00:03:49,597 --> 00:03:52,099
to sit around and fart diamonds.
68
00:03:52,433 --> 00:03:54,535
So don't get the wrong idea,
Uncle Pennybags.
69
00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:56,537
I'm not here to be Aunt Pennybags.
70
00:03:56,670 --> 00:03:58,772
Max, who's Uncle Pennybags?
71
00:03:58,939 --> 00:04:00,841
Is he one of the ones
who touched you?
72
00:04:02,142 --> 00:04:04,211
(BOTH):
He's the Monopoly Man.
73
00:04:04,912 --> 00:04:06,647
See?
You guys are perfect for each other.
74
00:04:06,947 --> 00:04:10,918
Yeah, Max. We're like a more
awesome version of John and Yoko.
75
00:04:11,218 --> 00:04:13,521
Meaning, like, just John.
76
00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:15,789
Who cares
if I got a few million dollars?
77
00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:19,793
A hundred few million. And that's
on the low end, according to Bing.
78
00:04:21,028 --> 00:04:22,830
Well, I'll be by later, Deke.
79
00:04:22,963 --> 00:04:24,197
Come on, Caroline.
80
00:04:24,332 --> 00:04:26,334
No, Max, you won't.
81
00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:28,502
You're taking your stuff
'cause you're breaking up with me
82
00:04:28,636 --> 00:04:32,105
and you're too big a baby pants to
tell me you're breaking up with me.
83
00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:36,944
What?
I am not breaking up with you.
84
00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:40,648
I just needed my toothbrush
because I had dollar shrimp for lunch
85
00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:42,082
and I still have some shells
in my teeth.
86
00:04:43,651 --> 00:04:47,621
I will see you later tonight for sex
and various whatnots.
87
00:04:47,755 --> 00:04:49,957
I am not breaking up with you.
88
00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:52,860
That break-up was brutal!
89
00:04:58,699 --> 00:05:02,470
Yo, Max, I hear our boy Deke
got major money.
90
00:05:02,870 --> 00:05:07,040
I should've known 'cause the weed
he gave me was real quality.
91
00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:10,978
And free.
92
00:05:11,379 --> 00:05:13,747
Earl, money changes people.
I know.
93
00:05:13,881 --> 00:05:17,117
Every time the food stamps came,
my mother was all, "Max who?"
94
00:05:19,387 --> 00:05:22,055
(ENGLISH ACCENT)
'Ello, my good people!
95
00:05:24,191 --> 00:05:25,926
You are quite fortunate today,
96
00:05:26,226 --> 00:05:30,097
for a rich person has come
to dine in your establishment!
97
00:05:32,232 --> 00:05:35,302
Caroline, I would like a tabletop
in Max's section, please,
98
00:05:35,603 --> 00:05:37,671
because it's high time
she met the person
99
00:05:37,805 --> 00:05:39,873
I've been pretending not to be.
100
00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:42,476
The veil has been lifted.
She was correct.
101
00:05:42,610 --> 00:05:45,345
I am the Monopoly Man.
102
00:05:47,214 --> 00:05:48,382
Right this way, sir.
103
00:05:48,516 --> 00:05:51,385
I believe I have a table here
in the overacting section.
104
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,456
All right, I'll give it up.
You got me laughing.
105
00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:01,094
And I would miss all this
if we didn't hang out,
106
00:06:01,228 --> 00:06:04,432
so I guess we can still be friends
and pastry school partners.
107
00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:09,336
Pastry school partners?
Your breasts are named in my will.
108
00:06:12,573 --> 00:06:14,675
Come on,
you can't be serious about this.
109
00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:17,745
Don't worry. We can still do all the
stuff we had planned for our future.
110
00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:21,248
Like TPing Han's apartment
on the 14th. I'm not a monster.
111
00:06:22,249 --> 00:06:24,051
-Max--
-Deke, you can't be my boyfriend.
112
00:06:24,184 --> 00:06:27,788
From now on I'm like welfare.
You have to be broke to get some.
113
00:06:33,461 --> 00:06:37,130
Max, I really wish you'd reconsider
breaking up with Deke.
114
00:06:37,264 --> 00:06:39,332
I mean, you guys get along great.
115
00:06:39,467 --> 00:06:44,371
He lives in a trash can.
He shares your love of pee-pee jokes.
116
00:06:45,639 --> 00:06:47,775
He can hide things in his hair.
117
00:06:48,509 --> 00:06:50,010
Aren't those the things
you didn't like about him
118
00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:51,278
before you knew he had money?
119
00:06:51,579 --> 00:06:55,749
Yes, but people can change.
So change and like him.
120
00:06:55,883 --> 00:06:59,453
Come on. Just keep an open mind.
In fact, why don't you sleep on it?
121
00:06:59,620 --> 00:07:02,590
Right now.
Go. Go to bed. Go, go, go, go, go.
122
00:07:03,491 --> 00:07:05,759
Boy, are you eager to masturbate!
123
00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:13,534
Hey, friend!
124
00:07:14,635 --> 00:07:16,704
Come on. Get in.
125
00:07:16,837 --> 00:07:20,007
-I told you I can't see that anymore.
-Why?
126
00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:24,077
You're my friend, he's my friend.
We're all just friends.
127
00:07:24,645 --> 00:07:25,679
Where did you get a key?
128
00:07:25,979 --> 00:07:27,414
Don't be mad.
I asked her for help.
129
00:07:27,548 --> 00:07:29,249
Caroline, get in here!
130
00:07:29,382 --> 00:07:31,284
CAROLINE:
Can't. I'm masturbating!
131
00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:36,857
Caroline, what are you doing?
132
00:07:36,990 --> 00:07:38,458
Are those new shoes?
133
00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:40,828
Uh, yes.
134
00:07:41,328 --> 00:07:42,696
Where did they come from?
135
00:07:43,196 --> 00:07:44,965
They were just here.
136
00:07:46,099 --> 00:07:47,200
In your size?
137
00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:49,269
It's a miracle.
138
00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:53,507
They're from me.
I got 'em for her as a gift.
139
00:07:55,208 --> 00:07:57,611
What makes you think
you could buy my roommate?
140
00:07:57,745 --> 00:08:01,014
She said, "I'll give you the key
if you buy me new shoes."
141
00:08:02,583 --> 00:08:04,184
For love!
142
00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:07,688
I did it for love!
143
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:09,122
You two belong together.
144
00:08:09,256 --> 00:08:10,591
Like me and these shoes.
145
00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:14,762
Come on. Just give me a chance to
express my deep feelings about this.
146
00:08:15,395 --> 00:08:17,297
Max, what I'm trying to say is....
147
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:18,832
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
148
00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:23,671
I don't wanna be your friend.
I wanna be your boyfriend.
149
00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:26,039
Well, right now it looks like
you wanna be my girlfriend.
150
00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:29,743
Maybe I can help clear things up.
151
00:08:29,877 --> 00:08:31,679
How much is this gonna cost me?
152
00:08:31,812 --> 00:08:33,246
Nothing. Look...
153
00:08:33,413 --> 00:08:35,949
Max doesn't think
she deserves someone rich
154
00:08:36,049 --> 00:08:38,986
because she has,
well, low self-esteem.
155
00:08:39,119 --> 00:08:42,322
Wrong. I have no self-esteem.
156
00:08:43,757 --> 00:08:46,326
And I can see the bottom
of your balls.
157
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:53,033
Max, remember two days ago when
you loved the bottom of my balls?
158
00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:57,070
That's when they were poor
and I felt sorry for them.
159
00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:01,141
Come on!
You two belong together.
160
00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:04,444
You're like the Romeo and Juliet
of ball banter.
161
00:09:04,578 --> 00:09:06,179
I'm sorry.
It's just never gonna work.
162
00:09:06,346 --> 00:09:08,916
It's like we were raised
with different religions, like....
163
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:11,351
What are two religions?
164
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:14,487
Are you taking suggestions
from the audience
165
00:09:14,622 --> 00:09:17,224
or do you really not know
the names of two religions?
166
00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:21,829
Let's say a witch and a smurf.
167
00:09:23,363 --> 00:09:25,232
Question answered.
168
00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:28,435
So it's like I'm a witch
and you're a smurf.
169
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,704
We could never be together.
Everybody knows that.
170
00:09:30,838 --> 00:09:33,240
I've only lived like a witch.
I've never lived like a smurf.
171
00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:35,676
So I don't get you.
What's it like being blue and soft?
172
00:09:35,809 --> 00:09:38,078
I don't know, I'm a witch.
I'm green and all-powerful.
173
00:09:39,546 --> 00:09:42,716
So you're saying you can't relate to
me because you've never been a smurf?
174
00:09:43,951 --> 00:09:47,120
Wow. That's heavy.
Well, I'm gonna go.
175
00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:50,624
Oh, I better take off this silly robe
and put on my skirt.
176
00:09:52,660 --> 00:09:54,762
And she's giving back the shoes.
177
00:09:55,062 --> 00:09:57,931
Oh, no, she is not!
178
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:09,977
"Language preference:
English, Spanish, Chinese, French."
179
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:11,979
They should've made this
more specific to the diner.
180
00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:14,447
"Hipster, hobo, junkie,
pregnant teen."
181
00:10:15,182 --> 00:10:17,517
Don't forget
"ballerina with a head wound."
182
00:10:19,086 --> 00:10:21,221
"Would you like
to see your account balance?"
183
00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:23,456
That ATM's a real bitch.
184
00:10:24,858 --> 00:10:27,627
Yeah, I got a hot 17 in here
that's dying to get out.
185
00:10:27,761 --> 00:10:30,530
So did Oleg
when that cop pulled him over.
186
00:10:32,365 --> 00:10:34,902
Caroline, look at this receipt.
This can't be right.
187
00:10:35,035 --> 00:10:36,336
I haven't seen
this many zeros in one place
188
00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:38,305
since the diner Christmas party.
189
00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:41,241
That says 1,000,017 dollars.
190
00:10:41,374 --> 00:10:45,512
Han, your ATM's broken.
It just gave Max a million dollars.
191
00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:47,981
Out of my way!
Out of my way! Out of my way!
192
00:10:51,919 --> 00:10:54,922
This is it! The faulty ATM
that gives out millions.
193
00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:58,258
I thought it was
an urban legend like HPV.
194
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:03,563
Everybody, freeze.
The damn thing must be busted.
195
00:11:03,897 --> 00:11:06,633
And to think I bent over backwards
to get that ATM.
196
00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:09,636
Well, I bent over forwards
to get a "B" in Spanish.
197
00:11:11,772 --> 00:11:15,442
Damn it. My account's
exactly the same. Frozen.
198
00:11:17,044 --> 00:11:19,813
So, Deke
left this note for you earlier.
199
00:11:19,947 --> 00:11:21,815
I forgot 'cause I'm 120.
200
00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:28,922
"Now you know what it's like
to be a ."
201
00:11:29,089 --> 00:11:32,760
Can you believe this?
Deke gave me a million dollars!
202
00:11:38,899 --> 00:11:40,968
So that's real money?
203
00:11:43,236 --> 00:11:45,272
The money's real?
204
00:11:47,074 --> 00:11:49,542
You have a million dollars?
205
00:11:49,877 --> 00:11:52,012
We're a millionaire?
206
00:11:54,815 --> 00:11:56,049
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
207
00:11:57,851 --> 00:11:59,619
Oh, good morning, my good man.
208
00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:04,157
I recently came into some money,
thus the candy tiara.
209
00:12:04,324 --> 00:12:07,227
And I wanted to spread the wealth.
Here.
210
00:12:07,494 --> 00:12:09,496
Have a pound of coffee.
211
00:12:09,629 --> 00:12:12,065
It's Folgers
since I'm a millionaire now.
212
00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:15,602
Best part of waking up rich!
213
00:12:17,805 --> 00:12:21,008
I come bearing gifts
for all my best friends.
214
00:12:21,842 --> 00:12:23,576
Here, guy who stands behind me.
215
00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:27,747
A 12-pack
of triple-A batteries for you.
216
00:12:28,048 --> 00:12:30,750
And yes, they did have
to open the glass case at CVS
217
00:12:30,884 --> 00:12:32,252
for me to get these.
218
00:12:33,653 --> 00:12:35,956
Here, lady on the other side.
219
00:12:36,123 --> 00:12:39,559
A shampoo and conditioner!
220
00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:42,262
Herbal Essences.
No big deal.
221
00:12:43,730 --> 00:12:46,233
And don't think I forgot about you,
peek-a-boo hair.
222
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:50,737
A Godiva box of chocolates.
223
00:12:51,071 --> 00:12:53,773
No, you're not dreaming.
I said "Godiva!"
224
00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:57,410
Max, I have great news.
225
00:12:57,544 --> 00:13:00,713
And you,
woman who sold me out for shoes.
226
00:13:00,848 --> 00:13:03,750
I got you something very special
when I was out gift shopping.
227
00:13:03,884 --> 00:13:05,118
You know how you always say,
228
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:07,921
"Who do I have to bang
to get a chip clip around here?"
229
00:13:08,055 --> 00:13:09,756
Me!
230
00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:12,392
Wait, you spent money?
231
00:13:12,525 --> 00:13:13,961
How much of our million did you spend
232
00:13:14,094 --> 00:13:17,030
on your...
We'll call it a shopping spree.
233
00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:21,268
Almost all of it.
One-hundred-and-forty-three dollars!
234
00:13:22,903 --> 00:13:25,705
Okay, our public schools
have failed you.
235
00:13:25,839 --> 00:13:27,674
Or they would have if you'd went.
236
00:13:28,876 --> 00:13:30,077
But I'm too excited to care!
237
00:13:30,243 --> 00:13:32,645
First things first,
when do we quit the diner?
238
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:34,447
What are you talking about?
We're not quitting the diner.
239
00:13:34,747 --> 00:13:36,083
I'm giving
the rest of the money back.
240
00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:38,318
Hold on, hold on!
Pump the brakes!
241
00:13:39,086 --> 00:13:41,688
What's the problem?
You got a chip clip. You're set.
242
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:43,756
I only spent it
to make a point to Deke.
243
00:13:43,891 --> 00:13:47,360
You can't give it back.
I have plans. Big plans.
244
00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:48,495
After we quit the diner,
245
00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:51,598
I found a guy who can turn
that measly million into three.
246
00:13:51,731 --> 00:13:54,667
And don't worry, he was not named
in my father's Ponzi scheme.
247
00:13:54,801 --> 00:13:56,769
Well, not by the name he goes by now.
248
00:13:58,305 --> 00:14:00,107
What up, Smurfette?
249
00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:02,075
Oh, hello, Deke.
250
00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:05,045
You just missed me passing out all
the gifts I bought with your million,
251
00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:08,148
but you're here in time to see me
buy Big Mary as my lab partner.
252
00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:10,617
Who says I'm for sale?
253
00:14:11,818 --> 00:14:13,353
A fireman's calendar.
254
00:14:14,922 --> 00:14:17,790
And another fireman's calendar.
255
00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:19,659
Sold.
256
00:14:22,896 --> 00:14:25,232
I bet you didn't think
I'd spend that money, hmm?
257
00:14:25,398 --> 00:14:30,670
Well, you were wrong
I spent $143!
258
00:14:31,271 --> 00:14:32,872
Max, I wanted you to spend the money,
259
00:14:33,173 --> 00:14:34,507
so you know
what it's like to be rich.
260
00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:37,377
Now we're both smurfs.
You can relate to me again.
261
00:14:37,510 --> 00:14:41,714
Wanna go do hand stuff by the ovens
like we did last Tuesday?
262
00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:46,086
Oh, so you were just trying to buy me
with the money?
263
00:14:46,253 --> 00:14:50,423
Well, I'm not a high-priced call girl
'cause Super Bowl weekend's over.
264
00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:53,560
Here. I'm giving you
the rest of the money back.
265
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:57,530
Okay, obviously,
she is not mentally competent enough
266
00:14:57,664 --> 00:14:58,898
to handle her finances.
267
00:14:59,199 --> 00:15:00,400
This is like when my grandma
268
00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:02,002
wanted to give all her money
to that orphanage,
269
00:15:02,135 --> 00:15:04,404
so they had her diagnosed
with Alzheimer's.
270
00:15:05,138 --> 00:15:06,739
Here.
271
00:15:06,873 --> 00:15:10,410
I can't believe I'm losing all
of my money twice in one lifetime.
272
00:15:11,111 --> 00:15:13,146
(RESTRAINED) Who has an inhaler?
273
00:15:15,382 --> 00:15:17,584
And check it.
I even put your name on there.
274
00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:21,588
"Deke Mc-Richy
Mc-Never-Had-To-Work-For-Anything"?
275
00:15:21,721 --> 00:15:23,423
Oh, sorry,
I probably should've added,
276
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:26,026
"Richy
Rich-Pretended-He-Was-Poor-Instein,"
277
00:15:26,359 --> 00:15:27,560
so they'd know it's you.
278
00:15:27,694 --> 00:15:28,962
Here, I'll fix it.
279
00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:33,166
Oh, yes. I treat myself well.
280
00:15:35,002 --> 00:15:36,303
You know what, Max?
Stop.
281
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:39,139
I've tried everything to show you
I'm not some cartoon rich guy
282
00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:40,673
and you still think I'm a joke.
283
00:15:40,974 --> 00:15:42,709
You only see me as my money,
but I'm not.
284
00:15:44,077 --> 00:15:46,646
That's how much money means to me.
But you were right.
285
00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:48,615
It's not gonna work with us.
286
00:15:56,823 --> 00:16:00,060
Max! Oh, I got your gift.
287
00:16:00,193 --> 00:16:02,996
I love my new vibrator.
288
00:16:06,133 --> 00:16:09,402
It's not a vibrator, Sophie.
It's a Dustbuster.
289
00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:14,807
Oh.
Well, there's no dust there anymore.
290
00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:18,178
I'll be in my booth.
291
00:16:19,179 --> 00:16:20,947
Waitress? Waitress!
292
00:16:21,081 --> 00:16:23,350
"Waitress"?
Who's she talking to?
293
00:16:25,785 --> 00:16:27,920
Miss, this salmon
tastes like chicken.
294
00:16:28,055 --> 00:16:30,190
That's weird 'cause it's pork.
295
00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:33,126
I don't need attitude
from some waitress.
296
00:16:33,260 --> 00:16:36,663
Who is this waitress
you keep referring to?
297
00:16:37,397 --> 00:16:39,699
Look, your job is to take my order,
298
00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:41,968
put a smile on your face
and serve me.
299
00:16:43,070 --> 00:16:45,572
Oh, hell, no!
300
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,242
I don't have to take this.
301
00:16:49,942 --> 00:16:51,444
Let me show you something, doll.
302
00:16:52,979 --> 00:16:56,116
This is my receipt
from the last time I used the ATM.
303
00:16:56,283 --> 00:16:58,351
You see where it says "account
balance" at the bottom there?
304
00:16:58,485 --> 00:16:59,852
Read that number to me, please.
305
00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:03,556
If you have a million dollars,
why would you be working here?
306
00:17:04,424 --> 00:17:05,592
Good question.
307
00:17:07,894 --> 00:17:12,999
Hey. You seem cranky.
You wanna use my Dustbuster?
308
00:17:17,070 --> 00:17:20,240
That woman just asked me
if I have a million dollars,
309
00:17:20,307 --> 00:17:21,474
why am I working here?
310
00:17:21,608 --> 00:17:23,143
That's what I've been saying.
311
00:17:23,510 --> 00:17:25,278
I mean, I have a million dollars.
312
00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:26,946
That's what I've been saying!
313
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:29,015
I don't need to be in this dump!
314
00:17:29,149 --> 00:17:30,550
Again, that's what I've--
315
00:17:30,683 --> 00:17:33,653
You've been saying! I know!
I'm an idiot! I'm keeping that money!
316
00:17:33,820 --> 00:17:35,088
That's what I've been saying!
317
00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:37,023
-Max, Caroline--
-No.
318
00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:38,758
But you don't even know
what I was about to say.
319
00:17:38,925 --> 00:17:41,394
Whatever it is, no.
We have a million dollars.
320
00:17:41,528 --> 00:17:43,163
Yeah, we have a million dollars.
321
00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:45,765
Yeah, we have a million dollars
and I quit!
322
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,734
And I quit too, baby!
323
00:17:47,867 --> 00:17:50,203
I have hated this hellhole
from day one.
324
00:17:50,337 --> 00:17:52,639
Sayonara, short stuff!
325
00:17:54,841 --> 00:17:58,145
I don't know what's more offensive.
"sayonara" or "short stuff"!
326
00:17:58,978 --> 00:18:00,980
I would go with "sayonara,"
short stuff.
327
00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:06,052
Wow.
328
00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:11,090
That got off quicker than
a 12-year-old looking at Megan Fox.
329
00:18:11,624 --> 00:18:14,327
Quick? I've been trying to get out
of this thing for three years.
330
00:18:14,461 --> 00:18:17,029
This zipper is stuck!
This is like a horror movie!
331
00:18:17,364 --> 00:18:19,166
Help me!
Get this damn thing off me!
332
00:18:19,466 --> 00:18:21,234
Tear it off, cut it off,
light it on fire!
333
00:18:21,568 --> 00:18:23,570
Well, watch my hair.
Oh, who cares? I'll buy new hair!
334
00:18:25,138 --> 00:18:26,373
Damn it! I'll just go over.
335
00:18:26,506 --> 00:18:30,009
Yes! We're out of here.
No more diner, no more cupcakes.
336
00:18:30,143 --> 00:18:34,214
Wait, wait. No more cupcakes?
What are you talking about?
337
00:18:34,347 --> 00:18:36,115
With all this money,
we can grow our business.
338
00:18:36,249 --> 00:18:41,588
Oh, I'm not growing anything except a
big-ass weed plant on my nightstand.
339
00:18:42,589 --> 00:18:43,690
But it's our dream.
340
00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:46,859
I don't need a dream.
Dreams are for poor people!
341
00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:48,161
I have a million dollars.
342
00:18:48,295 --> 00:18:51,898
I'm not going to pastry school.
I might not even go to the bathroom.
343
00:18:52,031 --> 00:18:54,133
And I am definitely
not getting out of bed.
344
00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:56,503
I will never do anything again!
345
00:18:59,038 --> 00:19:01,241
Oh, my God,
I'll never do anything again.
346
00:19:01,874 --> 00:19:02,909
We're not quitting.
347
00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:07,580
I knew it!
348
00:19:08,114 --> 00:19:10,683
Between you and this zipper,
I'll never get out of here.
349
00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:14,120
I can't. You heard what
I'd be like with a million dollars.
350
00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:15,722
I'd be dead at 30.
351
00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:18,458
But isn't that
what you've always wanted?
352
00:19:23,796 --> 00:19:25,698
Hey, Uncle Pennybags, you home?
353
00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:27,800
I mean, you dumpster?
354
00:19:29,436 --> 00:19:31,704
Hey can I come in?
Or did you already move on?
355
00:19:31,771 --> 00:19:32,972
'Cause I'd get it if you did.
356
00:19:33,473 --> 00:19:36,743
Nah, come in. Just sittin' in here
fartin' diamonds.
357
00:19:38,778 --> 00:19:41,881
Look, I think I owe you an apology.
358
00:19:42,215 --> 00:19:44,150
You know how I called you
a lazy Mc-Richy Rich
359
00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:47,019
who never had to work for anything
and lives in an ivory dumpster?
360
00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:49,622
Is this part of the apology
361
00:19:49,789 --> 00:19:52,559
or just the recap of mean things
you've said to me?
362
00:19:53,260 --> 00:19:54,994
Just listen.
363
00:19:55,127 --> 00:19:57,597
Well, I was right. You never did
have to work for anything.
364
00:19:57,730 --> 00:20:00,833
Okay, I'm starting to think
you don't know what an apology is.
365
00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:05,104
But even though you never had
to work for anything, you do.
366
00:20:05,238 --> 00:20:07,474
You actually get up,
you go to pastry school,
367
00:20:07,607 --> 00:20:10,076
and you build dumpsters.
You do lots of stuff.
368
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:12,078
And you're not even familiar
with my charity.
369
00:20:12,144 --> 00:20:14,146
Orgasms for old people.
370
00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:17,016
I hope you're not joking.
371
00:20:17,350 --> 00:20:20,387
Look, the truth is...
I couldn't see past your money.
372
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:21,954
All I saw was smurf.
373
00:20:22,822 --> 00:20:25,725
And I thought witches and smurfs
couldn't be together,
374
00:20:25,858 --> 00:20:27,760
but I was wrong.
375
00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:30,563
Yeah, you were.
376
00:20:31,964 --> 00:20:33,533
Max, did you get back the check yet?
377
00:20:33,666 --> 00:20:35,768
Because I just found
a different investment guy.
378
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:39,639
A legit one in Germany.
His name is Herr Schluffen.
379
00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:42,909
Well, I'm sorry.
I'm giving it back right now.
380
00:20:43,042 --> 00:20:45,578
Herr Schluffen can schluff off.
381
00:20:46,513 --> 00:20:48,247
Wait, Max.
Can I hold the million?
382
00:20:48,548 --> 00:20:51,418
For just one more second,
I wanna be upper-middle class.
383
00:20:53,820 --> 00:20:55,888
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
384
00:20:56,022 --> 00:20:57,524
MAX:
Caroline, give it back!
385
00:21:25,818 --> 00:21:26,819
(English US - SDH)
30876
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