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1
00:00:01,969 --> 00:00:04,138
(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING IN CAR)
2
00:00:05,539 --> 00:00:08,209
Max, that car has been parked
outside for a week now.
3
00:00:08,309 --> 00:00:11,445
Do you think they're selling drugs?
Let me rephrase that.
4
00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:13,914
Are they selling drugs to you?
5
00:00:14,148 --> 00:00:16,917
No. They're not buying, either.
6
00:00:18,586 --> 00:00:21,422
Hi. We have a new
mochaccino cupcake.
7
00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:24,758
Oh, no. No, no, no.
That car's not with us.
8
00:00:25,826 --> 00:00:30,198
Well, that's the third customer that
didn't stop because of that rap car.
9
00:00:30,498 --> 00:00:33,601
To be fair, this place
wasn't Walmart on Black Friday
10
00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:35,803
before the car showed up.
11
00:00:35,936 --> 00:00:37,338
I'm going to go ask it to move.
12
00:00:37,438 --> 00:00:40,374
Cool. I'll tell your horse
you died brave.
13
00:00:40,474 --> 00:00:42,643
Stupid, but brave.
14
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:45,279
At least take this pan,
and cover the part
15
00:00:45,446 --> 00:00:47,481
you want to get shot in the least.
16
00:00:47,981 --> 00:00:49,016
(KNOCKING)
17
00:00:49,317 --> 00:00:51,785
Hi. Can I talk to you for a second?
18
00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:54,588
I need to see your head at all times.
19
00:00:57,691 --> 00:01:00,894
First of all,
they're obsessed with me.
20
00:01:02,263 --> 00:01:03,564
Second of all, I handled it.
21
00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:08,602
Have I been shot?
22
00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:12,540
♪ (THEME MUSIC) ♪
23
00:01:12,606 --> 00:01:13,907
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
24
00:01:21,715 --> 00:01:25,253
Well, I did it.
I saved the neighborhood.
25
00:01:25,386 --> 00:01:28,722
You had a car towed. You didn't
burn down the Bed, Bath & Beyond.
26
00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:31,992
It wasn't the blue one
with the tinted windows,
27
00:01:32,059 --> 00:01:36,264
AKA, the murder car?
AKA, the murder car?
28
00:01:37,765 --> 00:01:40,000
Tell me that's the name
of the make and model,
29
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:42,503
like, "The Toyota Murder."
30
00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:45,706
Are you sure you're not thinking
of the Honda Stabbing?
31
00:01:45,973 --> 00:01:48,642
Caroline, some guy
stopped by asking for you
32
00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:51,479
with a festive bandana
and a teardrop tattoo.
33
00:01:52,012 --> 00:01:54,515
A festive bandana
and a teardrop tattoo...
34
00:01:54,582 --> 00:01:56,550
Are you sure
it wasn't my mother?
35
00:01:57,050 --> 00:01:59,086
He said he wanted to talk
to you about his car,
36
00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:00,321
so I gave him your number.
37
00:02:00,654 --> 00:02:02,890
-Han!
-I thought he was your friend.
38
00:02:02,990 --> 00:02:05,926
I don't have friends
with tattoos.
39
00:02:06,026 --> 00:02:08,296
I don't even have friends
with split ends.
40
00:02:09,730 --> 00:02:12,200
You gave a stranger my number.
41
00:02:12,333 --> 00:02:14,435
Your number, your email,
and your address.
42
00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:17,371
What? You're a busy girl.
43
00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:19,540
I didn't know the best way
for him to reach you.
44
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,909
Oh, my God.
Max, am I in trouble?
45
00:02:22,075 --> 00:02:25,213
(BELL RINGING)
Pick-up, dead meat.
46
00:02:25,346 --> 00:02:26,980
What does that mean?
47
00:02:27,047 --> 00:02:31,219
It means it's never a good idea to
have a car with tinted windows towed.
48
00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:33,354
That's rule number one.
49
00:02:33,454 --> 00:02:37,090
I thought rule number one was,
"Always wipe front to back."
50
00:02:37,858 --> 00:02:39,893
-Max, I'm worried.
-Me, too.
51
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,696
I thought it was back to front.
52
00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:46,066
What's up, Nat King Cool?
53
00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:49,102
Hey, my brother
from a Jewish mother.
54
00:02:49,237 --> 00:02:52,706
Hey, my daddy
that just smoked a fatty.
55
00:02:55,142 --> 00:02:57,144
Oh, look, Max,
it's your boyfriend.
56
00:02:57,245 --> 00:02:59,447
He's not my boyfriend.
We just made out.
57
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,114
I make out with people
all the time.
58
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:03,284
I made out with a guy
in the diner last week.
59
00:03:03,384 --> 00:03:04,952
That wasn't making out.
60
00:03:05,085 --> 00:03:08,356
He was choking,
and you gave him mouth-to-mouth.
61
00:03:09,156 --> 00:03:11,725
Yeah, but it led to sex.
Go away.
62
00:03:11,825 --> 00:03:14,528
Hey, Max, I came in
to ask you something.
63
00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:16,797
They're natural,
and they hurt my back.
64
00:03:18,165 --> 00:03:21,201
I also wanted to know if you
want to hang tomorrow night.
65
00:03:21,335 --> 00:03:23,937
We could watch TV
with our shirts off.
66
00:03:24,772 --> 00:03:27,308
Maybe. And I'll buy you
some dinner if you put out.
67
00:03:27,441 --> 00:03:29,076
Ooh, so like a date.
68
00:03:29,176 --> 00:03:32,346
I'm willing to throw
ten, $15 at this thing.
69
00:03:32,446 --> 00:03:35,683
You want to throw $15 at my thing?
70
00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:38,652
Great.
71
00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:40,187
I usually charge five.
72
00:03:41,989 --> 00:03:44,191
You came all the way here
to ask me out?
73
00:03:44,292 --> 00:03:47,861
I'm old-fashioned. Plus,
I dropped my phone in the toilet.
74
00:03:48,095 --> 00:03:50,431
-See you tomorrow.
-Okay.
75
00:03:50,631 --> 00:03:53,033
Now go.
I have a job to not do.
76
00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:56,337
-Okay.
-Go, idiot.
77
00:03:56,437 --> 00:03:57,905
Okay, dummy.
78
00:03:58,339 --> 00:04:00,574
ALL: Aww!
79
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:05,779
Okay, Han,
I can't hold you up anymore.
80
00:04:12,453 --> 00:04:16,256
Max, I think I just saw the murder
car go by, out the bathroom window.
81
00:04:16,890 --> 00:04:19,760
-What exactly did you see?
-A car.
82
00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:23,664
No, seriously,
I think it followed me home.
83
00:04:24,231 --> 00:04:26,934
Well, three years ago, you
followed me home, so we're even.
84
00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:30,170
There you go, Nancy.
85
00:04:30,671 --> 00:04:32,340
Okay, I'm off on my date.
86
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:35,309
You can't leave me here alone.
There's a murder car out there.
87
00:04:35,676 --> 00:04:37,778
Relax. No one is after you.
88
00:04:37,911 --> 00:04:40,147
Oh, really?
What about the person who yelled,
89
00:04:40,247 --> 00:04:43,351
"Watch yo back, bitch",
when we were walking home?
90
00:04:45,453 --> 00:04:48,356
That was me, to that Girl Scout.
91
00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:50,924
If you tell someone
you're carrying Thin Mints,
92
00:04:51,091 --> 00:04:53,794
you best be carrying Thin Mints.
93
00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:56,897
Max, you're coming back
tonight, right?
94
00:04:56,997 --> 00:04:59,800
I'm kind of afraid.
I've never been here alone at night.
95
00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:02,302
If you don't want to be alone,
why don't you call Han?
96
00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:04,438
Very funny.
97
00:05:04,938 --> 00:05:07,240
I did. Han's busy.
98
00:05:08,175 --> 00:05:11,144
He's going to a country
square dance on Second Life.
99
00:05:11,244 --> 00:05:14,782
It's an online game, but he says
it's more of a lifestyle.
100
00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:18,085
Don't you have to have a first life
to have a second life?
101
00:05:18,185 --> 00:05:20,888
Max, please stay.
Call Deke and cancel,
102
00:05:20,988 --> 00:05:23,657
or else you might come home
to find me in a pool of blood.
103
00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:25,893
Oh, I always wanted a pool.
104
00:05:26,026 --> 00:05:27,327
(KNOCKING)
105
00:05:27,461 --> 00:05:29,196
Oh, no, it's them, here to kill me.
106
00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:32,600
It couldn't be. I haven't paid them
all the money yet.
107
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:35,803
(POLISH ACCENT) Oh, hi, girls.
108
00:05:36,970 --> 00:05:39,473
You know, I just came
from the dentist's office.
109
00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:42,710
Did you know that
Michael Jackson died?
110
00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:46,146
Oh, and Farrah Fawcett too?
111
00:05:46,246 --> 00:05:49,182
Oh, no, I've got to sit down.
112
00:05:50,283 --> 00:05:53,353
Well, since you're here, do you want
to stay and have a girls' night?
113
00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:55,489
Oh, that sounds like fun.
114
00:05:55,656 --> 00:05:57,491
It's just me and you.
Max has a date.
115
00:05:57,591 --> 00:05:59,827
And Caroline's afraid to be alone.
116
00:05:59,927 --> 00:06:03,497
Well, if you don't want to be alone,
117
00:06:03,597 --> 00:06:07,167
then why do you act the way you do?
118
00:06:09,937 --> 00:06:11,605
I got to go meet Deke.
119
00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:13,441
We are going out to get wasted,
120
00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:16,477
hopefully to the point of blowing
chunks on each other's shoes.
121
00:06:16,577 --> 00:06:19,613
But imagine it a little
less romantic than it sounds.
122
00:06:27,488 --> 00:06:31,024
Well, Caroline,
it's just me and you.
123
00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:35,128
-I know. I thought it'd be fun if...
-Well, we tried.
124
00:06:35,863 --> 00:06:37,064
Good night.
125
00:06:39,199 --> 00:06:41,869
Don't go. Dangerous people
are after me.
126
00:06:42,503 --> 00:06:44,605
You know, in Poland,
when the Cossacks came...
127
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:48,842
...we would boil water and
then throw it in their faces,
128
00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:50,310
and then make soup.
129
00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:53,080
-Anyway, have a good one.
(PHONE RINGING)
130
00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:54,715
Wait.
131
00:06:55,449 --> 00:06:56,817
Hello?
132
00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:58,952
Rula? Yes.
133
00:06:59,119 --> 00:07:02,856
No, I have absolutely
nothing to do tonight.
134
00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:07,928
Well, Nancy, looks like
it's just you and me.
135
00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:12,432
Yep, you and me
and this magazine from 2009.
136
00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:17,505
Ah, 2009...
The last year I had anything.
137
00:07:18,371 --> 00:07:21,208
Let's see, Nancy.
What are we going to read here?
138
00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:23,911
"New York City,
more dangerous than ever."
139
00:07:24,044 --> 00:07:26,079
Okay, that's it. We're done.
140
00:07:26,213 --> 00:07:27,948
(HORN HONKING OUTSIDE)
141
00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:31,585
That's just a horn, right?
Or is it a signal?
142
00:07:31,685 --> 00:07:35,188
No offense, Nancy, but we really
need a dog in this situation.
143
00:07:37,925 --> 00:07:41,529
Oh, guess what. We happen
to be in my neighborhood.
144
00:07:41,629 --> 00:07:43,430
Oh, you are smooth.
145
00:07:43,531 --> 00:07:45,198
Also, you aggressively
steered me here
146
00:07:45,533 --> 00:07:48,235
and stopped at a bodega
to buy me condoms.
147
00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:50,037
So you want to come back
to my place, and...
148
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:53,240
(SINGS) Brown chicken brown cow?
149
00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:54,875
Brown chicken what?
150
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:56,944
You know, "Bowm chicka
bowm bowm," but I made it...
151
00:07:57,044 --> 00:07:59,813
(SINGS) Brown chicken, brown cow
152
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:01,815
So you thought of that in your head,
153
00:08:01,915 --> 00:08:04,317
and your brain was like,
"That's okay to say?"
154
00:08:04,417 --> 00:08:06,386
No, my brain was like,
"Don't say it,
155
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:08,622
don't say it, don't say it,
don't say it".
156
00:08:08,722 --> 00:08:12,125
And then it was...
Brown chicken, brown cow
157
00:08:12,259 --> 00:08:14,828
Well, this is me.
158
00:08:14,928 --> 00:08:15,996
What do you want me to say,
159
00:08:16,129 --> 00:08:17,998
"Congratulations.
You live in a building?"
160
00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:21,268
No, that would be lame. I don't
live in a building. I live here.
161
00:08:21,635 --> 00:08:25,372
-Where? All I see is a dumpster.
-Yeah, it's my apartment.
162
00:08:25,472 --> 00:08:27,641
I converted it,
and I live inside.
163
00:08:27,775 --> 00:08:29,242
It's totally green.
164
00:08:29,376 --> 00:08:30,611
I mean, it's horrible
for the environment,
165
00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:31,945
but it's the color green.
166
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,616
Oh, you're not kidding.
167
00:08:35,716 --> 00:08:38,952
You live in a dumpster?
168
00:08:39,052 --> 00:08:42,289
This is usually the part
where the girl says
169
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:44,091
she has to be up early tomorrow...
170
00:08:44,992 --> 00:08:47,327
...or call the police.
171
00:08:47,427 --> 00:08:49,429
So do you have to go?
172
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:50,698
Yeah.
173
00:08:50,798 --> 00:08:54,835
I have to go inside
the freakin' cool dumpster.
174
00:08:55,302 --> 00:08:58,839
And if you think
it's cool now, watch this.
175
00:09:04,311 --> 00:09:06,914
My dumpster's a grower,
not a show-er.
176
00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:12,552
Holy crap.
This is amazing.
177
00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:15,455
You have a sink in here
and a stove.
178
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:16,590
Is it heated in here,
179
00:09:16,724 --> 00:09:19,526
or did you teach the rats to
shovel coal into the engine?
180
00:09:19,627 --> 00:09:22,730
Yes, but there's also
solar panels on the roof,
181
00:09:22,796 --> 00:09:24,164
and a microwave,
182
00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:27,134
and a bathroom right here.
183
00:09:27,334 --> 00:09:31,104
You have a microwave next
to your toilet? You're a genius!
184
00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:34,074
That's the smartest way
to eat a burrito.
185
00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:35,575
I think of everything.
186
00:09:35,743 --> 00:09:39,179
And if you don't like your neighbors,
you push your house to a new street.
187
00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:41,882
Or you could just kill them
and throw their bodies in here.
188
00:09:42,015 --> 00:09:43,884
Added bonus... no rent.
189
00:09:44,051 --> 00:09:45,518
And the Chinese restaurant next door
190
00:09:45,653 --> 00:09:47,621
always tosses
their garbage on my roof.
191
00:09:47,688 --> 00:09:49,222
Free delivery, yo.
192
00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:51,859
You don't have to tell me.
193
00:09:51,959 --> 00:09:55,195
I read all about this place
in Dumpster Living.
194
00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:57,064
I'll take it.
195
00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:59,466
All right, but it comes
with a very handsome
196
00:09:59,633 --> 00:10:01,168
stuffed animal of a man
197
00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:04,571
with hair that gets him
followed by security at Macy's.
198
00:10:04,638 --> 00:10:06,807
I'm not just saying this
because you live in a dumpster,
199
00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:10,143
but I'll take some brown chicken,
brown cow right now.
200
00:10:13,647 --> 00:10:15,282
(SIGHING)
201
00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:18,085
So what was your first time
having sex in a dumpster like?
202
00:10:18,318 --> 00:10:20,988
A lot like the other times
I've had sex in a dumpster.
203
00:10:21,054 --> 00:10:23,356
Next time I'm going to be naked.
204
00:10:23,490 --> 00:10:26,059
Next time
I won't be wearing this hat.
205
00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:27,427
(YAWNING)
206
00:10:27,527 --> 00:10:29,296
I hope you don't mind.
207
00:10:29,396 --> 00:10:32,365
-I sleep like this.
-(YELLING) Get off me.
208
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:35,102
Oh, so nice to have a live body
under me for a change.
209
00:10:35,402 --> 00:10:37,604
-Stop! You're crushing me!
-Mmm.
210
00:10:44,377 --> 00:10:47,614
-This is really nice.
-Yeah, it is.
211
00:10:48,548 --> 00:10:50,650
I got to go.
212
00:10:50,818 --> 00:10:52,252
You got to go?
213
00:10:52,419 --> 00:10:54,955
Yeah, I live all the way
over by the diner.
214
00:10:55,222 --> 00:10:57,457
Plus, I got to
pull these boots on.
215
00:10:57,557 --> 00:11:01,729
And I got a horse and a cat,
possibly a dead roommate, so...
216
00:11:01,795 --> 00:11:04,131
Right. You got to be up early.
217
00:11:04,264 --> 00:11:06,800
Yeah, but not like that.
It's just, like...
218
00:11:07,735 --> 00:11:11,438
Where's the door handle?
Is it the coffee pot?
219
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:14,574
I can't get out. I'm used to
climbing out of these things.
220
00:11:14,742 --> 00:11:17,177
Ah, it's right here.
221
00:11:17,911 --> 00:11:20,413
Sure you don't want to stay?
222
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:22,950
Chinese restaurant just delivered.
223
00:11:36,897 --> 00:11:39,066
(HORN HONKING)
224
00:11:39,299 --> 00:11:43,336
There's that horn again. There
is no way this is not about us.
225
00:11:45,505 --> 00:11:46,706
Max, it's me again.
226
00:11:46,774 --> 00:11:49,376
Why do you even have a phone
if you're not going to pick it up?
227
00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:51,678
And also, you are a grown lady.
228
00:11:51,812 --> 00:11:54,481
Why is your outgoing message a fart?
229
00:11:57,851 --> 00:12:01,688
And I am sure you're in the middle
of having very silly sex,
230
00:12:01,755 --> 00:12:03,556
but it is a nightmare around here.
231
00:12:03,791 --> 00:12:05,525
Chestnut, Nancy and I
are all convinced
232
00:12:05,625 --> 00:12:08,996
that the murder car is still circling
and about to take us all out.
233
00:12:09,096 --> 00:12:11,298
So self-involved.
234
00:12:12,432 --> 00:12:14,768
This water is taking forever to boil.
235
00:12:15,035 --> 00:12:16,970
The best I could do now
is offer the killers
236
00:12:17,037 --> 00:12:19,172
warm tea before they dismember me.
237
00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:22,275
That'd be funny if you got jokes.
238
00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:24,044
(HORN HONKING)
239
00:12:24,111 --> 00:12:26,814
Okay, guys, here's the plan.
240
00:12:29,516 --> 00:12:32,986
If they come in that door,
we go out this door.
241
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:35,422
If they come in that door,
Chestnut, you block them,
242
00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:37,390
and, Nancy, you go for their eyes.
243
00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:39,559
(THUDDING)
244
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:41,795
You know what? Let's just
say our goodbyes now.
245
00:12:41,929 --> 00:12:42,996
Boil, boil, boil.
246
00:12:43,696 --> 00:12:45,833
No time!
(WHIMPERING)
247
00:12:45,933 --> 00:12:50,938
Whoever you are, I have a pot
of pretty hot water!
248
00:12:52,405 --> 00:12:54,507
-Wha... Oh!
(SCREAMING)
249
00:12:56,643 --> 00:12:58,445
What is all this junk?
250
00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:02,382
My legs!
My beautiful legs!
251
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:08,421
Ow, ow! Ow, ow.
Ow, ow.
252
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:11,524
I burned my toe cleavage.
253
00:13:11,758 --> 00:13:14,027
And it's the only cleavage I have.
254
00:13:14,761 --> 00:13:18,165
If it helps,
your toes do look bigger.
255
00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:20,901
Thank God I have these flip-flops
I used to wear in your shower
256
00:13:21,068 --> 00:13:22,202
before I gave up.
257
00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:26,840
Yes, hi, I have
a complete emergency.
258
00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:28,175
My legs are burned.
259
00:13:28,275 --> 00:13:29,977
Okay, I hear you.
260
00:13:30,077 --> 00:13:33,746
I'll put you right behind the guy
whose legs just came off.
261
00:13:35,682 --> 00:13:38,451
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
262
00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:41,554
See, I just got burned
with pretty hot water,
263
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:44,657
and I wear a lot
of peep-toe shoes.
264
00:13:44,791 --> 00:13:48,428
-Insurance provider?
-I'd like to use my Obamacare.
265
00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:51,631
Oh, Obamacare.
Why didn't you say so?
266
00:13:51,764 --> 00:13:53,934
Come right in.
267
00:13:56,069 --> 00:13:58,906
What is the problem?
We're all entitled to Obamacare.
268
00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:01,541
That's what that
Rachel Maddow guy said.
269
00:14:01,641 --> 00:14:04,411
I'll need more information than that.
270
00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:06,279
Password, Malia?
271
00:14:08,315 --> 00:14:11,618
You clowns need to figure out
your insurance information
272
00:14:11,751 --> 00:14:14,888
and come back to me in about
two hours when I'm on my sofa,
273
00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:18,091
drinking whiskey
out of a coffee mug.
274
00:14:18,225 --> 00:14:21,694
Max, let's just sit.
They have to take us, by law.
275
00:14:21,828 --> 00:14:24,331
I know because I used
to complain about that.
276
00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:29,369
Max, can you take that flu season
pamphlet and fan my feet?
277
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:31,604
No.
278
00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:35,308
I'm not touching anything in here,
'cause I was never vaccinated.
279
00:14:35,408 --> 00:14:37,477
Or loved.
280
00:14:37,644 --> 00:14:39,146
(PHONE RINGING)
281
00:14:39,412 --> 00:14:41,648
-Who is it?
-It's Deke.
282
00:14:42,682 --> 00:14:44,251
You're not going to answer it?
283
00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:47,988
No, right now, I am very
concerned about your legs.
284
00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:51,324
Aw. You're lying.
285
00:14:51,424 --> 00:14:53,961
What happened
between you and Deke?
286
00:14:54,094 --> 00:14:56,429
Why did you even
come home tonight?
287
00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,265
Was the sex bad?
288
00:14:58,331 --> 00:14:59,332
(SIGHING)
289
00:14:59,466 --> 00:15:00,867
Did you hit him?
290
00:15:08,008 --> 00:15:10,643
No, the sex was fine.
291
00:15:10,777 --> 00:15:14,314
Actually, it was better than fine.
It was great and I wanted to stay.
292
00:15:14,982 --> 00:15:18,118
-So...?
-So I left immediately.
293
00:15:19,386 --> 00:15:22,122
Max, don't take this the wrong way,
294
00:15:22,222 --> 00:15:23,756
but it sounds like
you found someone
295
00:15:23,856 --> 00:15:26,893
who finally makes you happy
and you're trying to ruin it.
296
00:15:26,994 --> 00:15:31,198
Oh, that's what this feeling is.
Well, I got to get rid of it.
297
00:15:31,298 --> 00:15:35,002
-Why?
-I wasn't raised to be happy.
298
00:15:35,102 --> 00:15:38,338
I was raised to believe canned meat
is as good as it gets.
299
00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:45,345
Ow, ow. Ow, ow.
Ow, ow!
300
00:15:45,512 --> 00:15:47,447
Earl, I spilled hot water on my feet.
301
00:15:47,580 --> 00:15:50,550
You can't imagine
how much pain I'm in.
302
00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:55,955
Well, I kicked heroin in
a 7 Eleven bathroom for three days.
303
00:15:56,056 --> 00:15:59,326
But sorry about
your burnt tootsies, though.
304
00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:02,195
Caroline, sorry
I didn't text you back.
305
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:06,499
I would've come over last night,
but my Second Life wife had a baby.
306
00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:08,435
I just can't believe you had fake sex
307
00:16:08,535 --> 00:16:10,837
nine months ago
and didn't tell anyone.
308
00:16:14,741 --> 00:16:15,742
Excuse me.
309
00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:17,944
I'm looking for a skinny blonde
that works here.
310
00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:26,153
Uh... She died.
311
00:16:28,521 --> 00:16:30,723
-She right over there.
-Ooh, she came back to life!
312
00:16:31,024 --> 00:16:32,692
Hallelujah!
313
00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:36,763
Hey, I got something for you.
314
00:16:36,863 --> 00:16:38,365
(GASPING)
-No!
315
00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:41,601
-It's a mix tape.
-No!
316
00:16:44,871 --> 00:16:48,441
I made it for you. I'm sorry
my brother threw that cupcake at you.
317
00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:51,344
He's gluten-free
and upset about it.
318
00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:54,314
So can I take you out sometime?
319
00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:56,116
(STUTTERING)
320
00:16:56,683 --> 00:16:59,186
Very sweet, and you seem great,
321
00:16:59,319 --> 00:17:03,356
but I'm already in a relationship
with a guy in a red bandana.
322
00:17:11,131 --> 00:17:14,267
No worries.
Just thought I'd ask.
323
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,439
What did you just do?
324
00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:22,375
You never say no to a guy
with tinted windows.
325
00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:24,744
That's rule number two.
326
00:17:24,844 --> 00:17:27,914
Well, his number's on here.
I can always call him back.
327
00:17:28,014 --> 00:17:30,650
Then we can both be in relationships
we don't want to be in.
328
00:17:30,750 --> 00:17:32,252
-Relationship?
-Deke.
329
00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:34,287
You're going to see him
at pastry school tomorrow.
330
00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:35,355
He's going to want to know.
331
00:17:35,422 --> 00:17:38,725
Guys never want to know.
In fact, they are dying not to know.
332
00:17:40,227 --> 00:17:44,331
Max, why'd you leave last night?
I want to know.
333
00:17:44,464 --> 00:17:48,901
I mean, you were all like,
"Wham-bam, thank you, man."
334
00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:50,170
And yeah, my brain was like,
335
00:17:50,237 --> 00:17:51,838
"Don't say it, don't say it,
don't say it, don't say it,"
336
00:17:51,971 --> 00:17:53,072
but I said it.
337
00:17:54,006 --> 00:17:56,243
-What's going on?
-Uh...
338
00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:59,179
The sex was bad.
339
00:17:59,312 --> 00:18:01,781
What about the scratches
on my back?
340
00:18:01,881 --> 00:18:03,049
I was trying to get away.
341
00:18:04,484 --> 00:18:06,353
I'll just leave you two alone.
342
00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:08,188
Ow, ow. Ow, ow.
343
00:18:08,355 --> 00:18:10,357
I'll just be over here,
looking at my mix tape.
344
00:18:10,490 --> 00:18:13,226
Oh, track one, "Make It Nasty."
345
00:18:15,528 --> 00:18:18,598
You're right, Max.
The sex was bad, really bad.
346
00:18:18,698 --> 00:18:21,201
And it was worse when
we did it the second time.
347
00:18:21,468 --> 00:18:23,136
And that third time
was a disaster.
348
00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:27,039
I mean, I only lasted
47 minutes, and you screamed.
349
00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:31,010
Okay, walking away has to be
less painful than hearing this.
350
00:18:31,077 --> 00:18:32,111
Ow, ow.
351
00:18:32,212 --> 00:18:34,447
No, stay, Caroline.
We'll go outside.
352
00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:37,484
Max, come with me for a second.
I want to show you something.
353
00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:39,652
Just whip it out here.
354
00:18:41,020 --> 00:18:43,890
You wouldn't be the first guy
to do that tonight.
355
00:18:44,056 --> 00:18:46,293
Nor will he be the last.
356
00:18:51,331 --> 00:18:53,833
Okay, what do you
want to show me?
357
00:18:54,934 --> 00:18:57,337
Is that your dumpster?
358
00:18:57,437 --> 00:18:59,772
Look, you said you couldn't stay over
because you lived all the way
359
00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:01,841
over by the diner,
so I moved it here
360
00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:04,744
to figure out what
your next excuse would be.
361
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:09,182
Um...
362
00:19:09,549 --> 00:19:11,050
I'm racist.
363
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:18,124
Yeah, me too.
White girls are a hassle.
364
00:19:18,191 --> 00:19:19,259
What else?
365
00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:21,228
You have a bird on your shirt.
366
00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:24,631
You love it.
367
00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:26,866
I do.
368
00:19:28,235 --> 00:19:29,769
What else?
369
00:19:31,438 --> 00:19:33,973
-I got nothin'.
-Good.
370
00:19:34,073 --> 00:19:37,277
So what do you say you stop
being such a stupid face,
371
00:19:37,377 --> 00:19:40,447
and get your sweet dumper
into my dumpster right now,
372
00:19:40,713 --> 00:19:45,184
where a brown chicken and a brown
cow are waiting patiently for you.
373
00:19:46,986 --> 00:19:48,020
Look.
374
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:49,222
If you want me in that dumpster,
375
00:19:49,356 --> 00:19:51,190
you'll have to get me there
the traditional way.
376
00:19:51,291 --> 00:19:55,094
Duct tape my wrists, throw a bag
over my head, and toss me in.
377
00:19:58,798 --> 00:20:01,901
-Awful, huh?
-So bad.
378
00:20:02,001 --> 00:20:03,836
Want to do it again later,
and then sleep over tonight,
379
00:20:03,970 --> 00:20:05,538
and then do it again?
380
00:20:05,805 --> 00:20:06,973
Sure.
381
00:20:07,073 --> 00:20:09,041
Are we ever going to do it naked?
382
00:20:09,141 --> 00:20:12,579
Yeah, when you move into a place big
enough for me to take my pants off.
383
00:20:13,446 --> 00:20:16,616
Look, I got to warn you.
I don't know how to be happy.
384
00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:19,051
Then why do you have
that big smile on your face?
385
00:20:19,386 --> 00:20:20,887
I'm faking it.
386
00:20:20,987 --> 00:20:25,292
Why is it shaking?
Are we still having sex?
387
00:20:30,397 --> 00:20:33,232
Thank you, sir.
Enjoy your cupcake.
388
00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:35,302
(ENGINE STARTING)
389
00:20:37,770 --> 00:20:39,539
Hey!
390
00:20:39,772 --> 00:20:40,973
Max?
391
00:20:41,274 --> 00:20:43,943
Don't tow us.
This is Deke's house.
392
00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:46,513
He lives in a dumpster?
393
00:20:46,613 --> 00:20:48,247
Yeah, but on purpose.
394
00:20:48,581 --> 00:20:50,717
But you're coming
home tonight, right?
395
00:20:51,017 --> 00:20:53,753
Max, Max!
396
00:20:53,853 --> 00:20:55,555
Han?
397
00:20:56,022 --> 00:20:58,458
Han, what are you doing tonight?
398
00:21:00,460 --> 00:21:02,228
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
399
00:21:26,786 --> 00:21:27,787
(English US - SDH)
30361
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