Original subtitles

Good evening, ladies.

No.

What are you doing?

I know this neighborhood is a circus,

but our window's becoming a freak show.

Max, I don't think that bearded lady earlier

was doing it on purpose.

It's more of a menopause thing.

He can't afford a cupcake. He can't even afford two wheels.

Hi. What can I get you?

-I'll take one vanilla. -That'll be four dollars.

Actually, madam, tonight I'll be paying with a poem.

He'll be paying with a poem, madam.

"I pull. Shadows push.

I was a child then.

(WHISPERS) I was a child then."

Spit it out.

Hey, you want a poem?

Roses are red, violets are blue...

Get a job!

And another wheel!

That felt good. I get why you do that.

Wait till you get actual fist-to-face contact.

That's a real high.

♪ (THEME SONG) ♪

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

Welcome to the Williamsburg Diner, Deke.

Where'd you hear about us? Kitchen Nightmares?

Okay, Max, let's get to it.

We have to decide what we're each gonna make

for our pastry school homework.

Or true to form, I'll blow it off,

beat you up, and take yours.

Of the top of my giant head, I'm thinking sticky buns.

Deke's dark sticky buns.

We're talking about dessert,

not what's going on in your pants.

Well, I would've baked brownies,

until I remembered I smoked all the ingredients.

Oh, my God, guess who texted me again.

Dame Judi Dench?

Dame Judes texts me all the time.

She's thirsty!

More like, damn, Judi Dench.

Oh, hi, Deke.

Didn't know you were here.

You're everywhere.

Pastry school,

on the phone with Max talking about pastry school,

and now here at the counter talking about elder sex

with a beloved star of stage and screen.

-You're like-- -What...

Denzel Washington trapped in Channing Tatum's body?

I get that a lot.

Anyway, Max, this is the fourth time Chef Nicolas has texted me

outside of school.

And this time he sent me a video.

Look.

CHEF NICOLAS: Then, Caroline, you spoon the fat

from the pan....

CAROLINE: It's him making breakfast with his shirt open.

What do you think it means?

That he doesn't have a fear of bacon splatters?

He's totally flirting with me, right?

Totally. Chef Nicolas is hot for you.

He has to double up on aprons when you're around,

know what I'm sayin'?

Deke, this is just private best friend stuff

between girls, you know, that you're not a part of.

Can I not be a part of it?

And since Chef Nicolas is your teacher

and I work at the school,

I'd appreciate it if we kept this just between us three.

And me. I saw it over your shoulder.

Doesn't hold a candle

to my series of pantless meatloaf videos.

Meatloaf. Pick up.

Okay, okay, Max, if you have time to lean,

you have time to clean.

And if I have time to give you a punch,

we have time to have lunch.

Max, should we help him find his mom?

Oh, no, now there's two of them.

Like gremlins.

Now, come on, this is a diner, not study hall.

You're working.

I call it spiritually dying,

but working is a good word for what we do here, too.

We could figure it out tomorrow night over some drinks.

Couple of white wine spritzers. Know what I'm sayin'?

That you're a recently-widowed woman

on a girls' trip in Boca?

Well, I already ate my water, so I'm good to go.

I am out the door.

Hi, I'm Deke.

Bye, Max.

Oh, he's your friend?

For a minute I thought he was that kid

I had out of wedlock with Linda Evans.

Okay, why are you in here not working?

And why are you doing it without me?

Look, I've been texting with Nicolas.

He "thirs-ty."

He wants me to meet him for a drink

after his dinner tomorrow.

"After" his dinner. You know what that means.

So he thinks he doesn't have to buy you dinner

before he makes you his slam piece?

After dinner is a booty call.

Or as they say in France,

a call du bootay.

So I need you to hang out with me,

because if I don't have anything else to do at that time,

I won't be able to resist him.

I don't see it.

Maybe because he never pulled a knife on me,

but to me he's, like, asexual.

Yeah, like "a sexual object."

Okay, well, I told Deke I'd help him with his homework,

so you can hang out with us.

Hang out with Deke?

I didn't even like The Muppets on TV.

But fine, it'll...

It'll keep me busy because, Max,

when Nicolas looks at me, it does something to my insides,

and I want this to be a relationship

before he does something to my insides.

If you keep talking about your insides,

I'm gonna kick you on your outsides.

Okay, so as far as my dessert homework goes--

He just texted me again.

Ou es-tu? Where are you?

And he used tu, not vous.

We've gone there.

Then why are you still here?

Because I can't go there, Max, I'm not ready.

Oh, wax situation?

Guys don't care about that.

So, as far as my dessert goes, I went all-out

and actually did some real research.

You Googled desserts with dirty names?

Correct-o.

And it was harder to pick one than I thought.

I mean, you got your bundt cake,

your lady fingers,

kumquat pie....

Cum and quat.

It was right there the whole time.

How could I not see it?

So I dug deep, and I have the winner.

Croquembouche.

I don't know what that is, but she sounds like a whore.

It's a traditional French wedding cake

with vanilla cream-filled profiteroles

dipped in hand-made caramel.

Said the only person here not in pastry school.

Oh, cool. I didn't know what it was.

Maybe I can help.

I happen to know Nicolas loves a pear tarte tatin.

Tarte tatin! No.

I thought I'd distract myself by going out with you guys,

but it feels like the day in high school I hung out

with the smokers for street cred.

And I used to hang out with rich geeks like you

when I needed lunch money.

I'm texting Nicolas.

What? You said you didn't want him to think you were up

for a wham-bam, thank you, mademoiselle.

You're right, Max. I shouldn't text him.

(PHONE VIBRATES)

He just texted me again. What's one drink?

$18.

It is?

Yeah, you better text him.

We need a grown-up to pay for the drinks.

I'll just say I'm with friends,

and he can join for a drink.

Isn't that what people do? I forget.

I haven't been a person or done anything in so long.

Or done a person in so long.

I won't let it get that far.

And by that, I mean you won't.

I'll give you a signal and then you'll say we have to go.

What's the signal? Full penetration?

No, before that.

So, just the tip?

I think I'll just wink.

So, croquembouche?

I can't pretend to talk.

I hope his tongue is wearing protection.

Hey.

Are we making you uncomfortable?

No, no, it's just that I usually like to fast-forward

through the kissing parts when I watch porn.

Come on, relax, Max. We're just having some fun.

It's just that you're our teacher,

and your spittle is all over her mouth.

We're not in class.

Do you see batter or bowls?

Well, we're hoping not to see any balls.

I see the outline of one of 'em.

Just don't think of me as a teacher right now.

Well, I'm kind of learning a lot.

You know, for someone who wasn't gonna have sex...

she's having sex.

I'm leaving.

I haven't felt this awkward since my mom had sex

with my prom date in the limo and made me drive.

Your mom sounds cool.

Come on, you can't leave. We just got here.

Well, she's about to get there, and I don't wanna see it.

Well, we can make out.

Ha! You wanna make out? With me?

No, a comedy make out.

You know, like... (BABBLING)

Well, you make it look so tempting.

(LAUGHS) Come on, it'll be hilarious.

Let my mouth be your tongue's panic room.

And Chef Nicolas could use a few pointers.

(CAROLINE MOANING)

Yeah, he's really bad at it.

All right, why not?

It might even get their attention.

On the count of three. One, two....

(BOTH BABBLING)

Did they look?

No, he's busy rounding third.

My turn.

(BABBLING)

Max, what's happening?

Hey.

(DEKE BABBLING)

He's licking your face.

Leave them alone.

Deke seems to know what he's doing.

Respect.

Well, hate to comedy make out and run, but, well,

I'm already mentally at Yummy Donuts trying to binge eat

this image out of my mind.

Hold on, Max. The signal.

See, this is why I don't do "girlfriend."

Come on, we have somewhere to go or be,

something like that.

Well.... (CHUCKLES)

We have to go.

See you later. Au revoir.

'Sup?

Not much.

'Sup with you?

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Sorry, I have to get this. It's my wife.

Hello?

(PROLONGED) Girl....

Oh, I totally forgot to tell you.

You're terrible at making out.

Well, I never had a father to teach me.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Hey, Big Mary.

Hallway lunch. Love that for you.

And you...

This could've been your walk of shame right now

if I hadn't stepped in, Winky.

Yes, last night got a little out of hand.

Oh, it was pretty much in your hand.

No, it was not, Max.

Yes, there might have been a tasteful graze

just to figure out how European he was down there.

Good news, it's not wearing a floppy beret.

So we are right on track for a perfect fairy-tale romance.

Yeah, "The Princess and the Penis."

See you at the diner, Max.

Au revoir, mes amis.

I have to kinda tell you something

that you have to promise

you kind of definitely won't tell Caroline.

Are you about to tell me that when she speaks French

it makes you want to slam your head

through that plate-glass window, too?

Heh.

Well, the thing is he's married.

-He's married? -Uh-huh.

How do you know?

He's not wearing a ring, and he doesn't seem dead inside.

His wife called him after you guys left.

-How could he do that? -He's French?

-And not tell Caroline. -He's French?

What a jerk.

"Fronch?"

I'm telling her right now.

Wait, wait, wait, Max, do me a favor.

Can you just wait until after I turn in my croquembouche?

I'm already on thin ice with au-bon-pain-in-my-ass.

This sucks.

He's married, and Caroline has this weird thing

in her head that she has to marry somebody

that wasn't married.

Bonjour, Bebe. Ca va?

Oh, boy!

I'm not really good with any languages.

They think it's because I got hit by three cars.

FYI, if you ever get hit, just stay down.

Well, guess what?

I got you and me salads. Girls' lunch.

Well, I usually just have

peanut butter and crackers in the dark.

I hear so much about salad I've always wanted to try it.

Sure. Sit. Have some salad.

You and me, me and you.

Getting to know more about each other.

So Bebe, tell me everything about Nicolas.

Oh, he's the best.

He has the heart and eyes of a dog.

So, Nicolas, where do you think he is?

He just said he had a lunch date.

Date?

Did he use the word "date,"

or are you just using the word "date"?

I mean, it's not like he's dating anyone, is he?

No, why would he be dating anyone?

Exactly, why would he be dating anyone?

Yeah, I mean, he's married.

(SPITTING)

Married?

You know, salad tastes just like lettuce.

You are not going to believe this.

Kendall Jenner is applying to colleges?

Come on, Max, no.

Nicolas is... And get ready...

Married.

I kissed a married man. I'm so mortified.

Please don't ever tell anyone I kissed a married man.

(POLISH ACCENT) Okay, I won't tell anyone.

Tell anyone what?

Caroline kissed a married man. But don't tell anyone.

All right, I want to go on the record that I didn't know.

Kissing a married man has never been in my life plan.

It's not on my vision board or in my dreamscape.

I am not that kind of person.

But she is the kind of person who has a vision board

and says "dreamscape," so let's judge her on that.

I won't judge you, Caroline.

I once went out with a married woman.

I didn't know she was married

until her spouse came and beat me up.

Lesbians are strong!

Listen, married, not married, don't be so American.

You know, in Poland, the wedding vows say,

"Do you take this woman...

...and maybe some others?"

Well, not Polish, and not a lesbian yet.

So, I'm very upset.

And, Max, why are you just standing there?

Why haven't you said anything?

Eh...

Um...

I kind of knew.

Wait. You kind of knew he was married?

You kind of knew and didn't kind of tell me?

-What kind of friend are you? -I just found out myself.

Well, then why didn't you tell me?

I was going to, but then Deke asked me not to

until he handed in his homework.

And also I thought you might cry.

Oh, and you didn't want to upset me?

Nah, I didn't want to deal with it.

'Cause when you cry, you don't just cry once.

It's like a six-cry thing.

You've got the first shock cry, the silent cry,

the ugly cry, the cry because you're crying,

the cry after you say you're not gonna cry anymore,

and then the final cry, which is probably my fault.

Well, you're wrong, Max, I'm not gonna cry over this,

because I haven't gone far enough down the road.

Yes, I was just beginning to think about our future,

but I'm not that invested.

Oh.

-Then what's this? -My "do" pad.

That's right.

And look what I found written on the back.

"Caroline and Nicolas Saintcroix."

"Mr. and Mrs. Saintcroix. Caroline Saintcroix."

That's just being silly. Every girl does that.

You're 40.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

-Oh, man! This is heavy. -I know, very heavy.

We're back here, and I have to deal with the fact

that I was dry humped by a married man.

No, I think he meant his dessert is heavy.

But, yeah, you got a lot going on.

So, what do you want us to do? Should we throw down?

Mess his ass up? Kick him in the face?

Or just ignore it so I don't get kicked out of school?

No, I'll deal with Nicolas later.

You sure? 'Cause I've always wanted to kill a French person.

Again.

Thanks, but stay out of it. I've got this.

I'm gonna rip him a new one.

-Bonjour, Caroline. -Bonjour, Nicolas.

That wasn't a rip. Wasn't even a tear.

Go, go, you two.

Got a big, hot bundt here.

Go, go, don't be late.

You sure that's a croquembouche?

'Cause it looks like a coyote poop tree.

Caroline, can you watch the phones for me

while I give Chef Nicolas this note from his wife?

You know what? I'll give it to him.

I have something I have to say to him anyway.

Oh, for next girls' lunch,

have you ever had sandwiches?

'Cause I'm thinking of trying one.

(KNOCKING ON WINDOW)

Not you.

You have got this. You have got this.

You broke up with a Kennedy cousin.

You can do this.

Caroline, do you need something?

I just wanted to give you this phone message you just got.

From your "wife."

From your "wife"...

-Juliette? -Uh, I know her name.

You're married.

Yes, you just got a message from my wife.

I feel like something's getting lost in the translation here,

so let me be clear.

It's over between us.

Why?

Why? Because you're married.

Again, I know that. But why?

What-- What do you mean why?

Why? Because you are married.

Vous est marie!

And note, I did not use tu

because we are back on the more formal "vous" terms.

Look, Caroline, my wife is in France,

and we have an understanding.

Well, I'm having a hard time understanding any of this.

And whatever arrangement you and Juliette have,

it's over between you and me.

Here.

You are very cute when you're angry.

I am?

Actually, you are very cute all the time.

Cute and sexy.

From the moment I saw you, I wanted to...

-...put my lips onto yours. -You did?

Yes.

Caroline, you are a smart, sexy, delicious woman.

And now that I've kissed--

Do you have something in your eye?

No, no, no. No, no.

It's never you!

I'm sorry, what is happening?

Chef Nicolas, uh, you need to get back in there

because the chef with the neck tattoo

is trying to pass off a store-bought tiramisu.

There is one every year.

Caroline.

Are you okay? What did he say?

He said he's married, and it's confusing,

and I'm delicious.

Okay, well, he's married,

it's confusing, and you're delicious.

So you're Mrs. Delicious Saintcroix.

-So it's over, right? -Yeah, of course, it's over.

No drama, no more crying.

I would never be with a married man.

Yeah, that's more my thing.

Oh, my God, Max, you know what I just realized?

I once said I would never be a waitress.

(PROLONGED) Girl....

(CASH REGISTER DINGS)

(English US - SDH)