Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,169 --> 00:00:02,628
Thank you.
2
00:00:02,753 --> 00:00:04,838
That was like our tenth
gay guy tonight.
3
00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:08,926
Let's have our gay buzz
last longer than Adam Lambert's.
4
00:00:08,967 --> 00:00:10,678
Oh, well, I'm all over it.
5
00:00:10,761 --> 00:00:13,347
And by "it," I mean
I'm all over Grindr.
6
00:00:13,431 --> 00:00:15,308
Max, why are you
on that app?
7
00:00:15,433 --> 00:00:17,643
You're not a gay man
looking for anonymous sex.
8
00:00:18,102 --> 00:00:21,021
Don't put me in a box.
9
00:00:21,105 --> 00:00:23,816
You told me to find ways
to drum up business,
10
00:00:23,941 --> 00:00:27,445
well, I'm drumming it up by
showing off this guy's bid-ness.
11
00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:30,364
I pretended to be a rough
and ready Puerto Rican guy
12
00:00:30,448 --> 00:00:32,283
who still likes to cuddle.
13
00:00:32,325 --> 00:00:34,493
That there is gay chum,
my friend.
14
00:00:35,494 --> 00:00:38,122
Ooh, I hooked a big one.
Get the net.
15
00:00:39,623 --> 00:00:40,833
Hi.
16
00:00:40,958 --> 00:00:43,502
Was a muscular
Puerto Rican guy just here?
17
00:00:43,627 --> 00:00:45,713
When is there not?
18
00:00:45,796 --> 00:00:47,965
Would you like to purchase
a delicious cupcake
19
00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:48,966
while you wait?
20
00:00:49,007 --> 00:00:52,136
Well, maybe, while I wait.
21
00:00:52,178 --> 00:00:54,138
My phone says he's right here.
22
00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:56,640
Here, this is on the house
23
00:00:56,724 --> 00:00:58,726
because the muscular
gay guy...
24
00:00:58,809 --> 00:01:00,478
-That's him.
-Oh.
25
00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:03,356
It's cool that you're
transitioning,
26
00:01:03,481 --> 00:01:07,735
but you really should let people know
you're not Puerto Rican.
27
00:01:11,864 --> 00:01:12,823
Wow.
28
00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:15,826
He said he was 22 and butch,
so I'm mad, too.
29
00:01:16,994 --> 00:01:19,872
♪ (THEME MUSIC) ♪
30
00:01:20,038 --> 00:01:20,998
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
31
00:01:28,547 --> 00:01:30,383
Earl, I need my checks
for tonight.
32
00:01:30,466 --> 00:01:31,384
-Beautiful.
-Check.
33
00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:32,385
-Sexy.
-Check.
34
00:01:32,468 --> 00:01:34,303
-Cool.
-Check.
35
00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:36,514
Sorry, I'm late.
36
00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:38,056
I was ten minutes early
for my shift,
37
00:01:38,141 --> 00:01:40,643
so I thought,
"Well, I have 20 minutes to kill"...
38
00:01:41,644 --> 00:01:43,771
....and I wondered into
this cool surf shop
39
00:01:43,854 --> 00:01:45,981
and saw this guy polishing
a surfboard.
40
00:01:46,064 --> 00:01:47,816
A surfer here?
41
00:01:47,900 --> 00:01:51,779
You don't hang ten in Williamsburg,
you hang yourself.
42
00:01:51,862 --> 00:01:53,447
I'm with Max.
43
00:01:53,531 --> 00:01:56,992
The only waves we get in Brooklyn
are heat waves and crime waves.
44
00:01:57,075 --> 00:01:58,661
Earl, you never go out
to the beach?
45
00:01:58,744 --> 00:02:01,247
Are you crazy?
46
00:02:01,330 --> 00:02:02,915
I ain't gonna
get eaten by some shark.
47
00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:05,083
Ain't nobody
got time for that.
48
00:02:06,335 --> 00:02:08,504
The chances of you
being bitten by a shark
49
00:02:08,587 --> 00:02:10,798
are like .0001 percent.
50
00:02:10,881 --> 00:02:13,467
Not if you're black.
51
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,512
Sharks are racist as hell.
52
00:02:16,595 --> 00:02:18,889
That's why they call them
"great whites."
53
00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:21,934
Marc, the surfer and I
really hit it off,
54
00:02:22,017 --> 00:02:23,852
and he is so cute,
55
00:02:23,936 --> 00:02:26,939
like a young Matthew McConaughey
but with real hair.
56
00:02:27,022 --> 00:02:29,733
So nothing like
Matthew McConaughey.
57
00:02:30,234 --> 00:02:32,570
I hope he texts me.
I love surfing.
58
00:02:32,611 --> 00:02:35,113
I never go in the water because
I know if I start drowning,
59
00:02:35,239 --> 00:02:37,074
I'm not gonna fight it.
60
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,368
When I used to summer
in St. Barts,
61
00:02:39,410 --> 00:02:41,036
there'd be these sexy
Italian surfers,
62
00:02:41,078 --> 00:02:43,121
and they'd invite us
to sunbathe on their boards.
63
00:02:43,247 --> 00:02:45,624
I mean, they robbed us,
but it was amazing.
64
00:02:46,417 --> 00:02:48,752
Caroline, if you're looking
for that kind of guy,
65
00:02:48,836 --> 00:02:51,088
I have a cousin
who loves the water.
66
00:02:51,255 --> 00:02:53,507
It's the only place
he can move his legs.
67
00:02:53,591 --> 00:02:54,967
Oh, sweet.
No thanks.
68
00:02:55,092 --> 00:02:56,760
Well, think about it.
69
00:02:56,802 --> 00:02:58,971
You'll be the front row
of every concert
70
00:02:59,096 --> 00:03:01,932
and he doesn't move around
a lot when he sleeps.
71
00:03:03,309 --> 00:03:04,268
Here.
72
00:03:04,310 --> 00:03:06,812
Give old Ironside
my number.
73
00:03:06,937 --> 00:03:08,439
What!
I love music.
74
00:03:08,481 --> 00:03:09,607
And if he bugs me,
75
00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:12,109
the city has one of those free vans
that will take him home.
76
00:03:12,276 --> 00:03:13,986
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
77
00:03:14,152 --> 00:03:16,697
It's the surfer
asking me out to dinner.
78
00:03:16,780 --> 00:03:19,992
And he thinks he can get us into
the hot new spot, Harlow & Daughters.
79
00:03:20,117 --> 00:03:21,952
Oh, that's that trendy restaurant
80
00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:25,289
that replaced a perfectly
good Hot Dog on a Stick.
81
00:03:25,331 --> 00:03:28,876
Good night, broke-ass divas.
82
00:03:28,959 --> 00:03:30,961
Good night, brokeback waiter.
83
00:03:32,796 --> 00:03:34,507
I'm gonna go get a massage.
84
00:03:34,632 --> 00:03:36,467
And then, who knows?
Maybe give one.
85
00:03:37,385 --> 00:03:40,304
Oh, who am I kidding?
I'm coming back here pregnant.
86
00:03:40,346 --> 00:03:42,222
Luis, can you work
for me tomorrow?
87
00:03:42,306 --> 00:03:44,475
Absolutely not. No.
88
00:03:45,142 --> 00:03:46,310
Oleg's working.
89
00:03:46,477 --> 00:03:48,228
I'll ask him to wear
his fishnet tank top.
90
00:03:48,312 --> 00:03:49,813
Then, yes.
91
00:03:51,023 --> 00:03:53,191
Dinner with a cute guy
who has connections
92
00:03:53,317 --> 00:03:54,568
to the A-list place.
93
00:03:54,652 --> 00:03:56,404
I'm living my old life.
94
00:03:56,487 --> 00:03:57,821
Hey, everybody.
95
00:03:57,863 --> 00:04:00,366
Did your old life
have one of these?
96
00:04:01,492 --> 00:04:04,370
Caroline, what is
my number one diner rule?
97
00:04:04,495 --> 00:04:06,497
Don't tell anyone the meat
isn't real?
98
00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:09,542
Sh! Come on,
you can see it.
99
00:04:09,667 --> 00:04:11,251
It's real.
100
00:04:11,335 --> 00:04:13,211
Don't tell anyone
you buy the shrimp
101
00:04:13,337 --> 00:04:15,172
out of your friend's trunk?
102
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:18,759
He lays down a blanket.
No.
103
00:04:18,842 --> 00:04:21,178
-No, phones.
-(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
104
00:04:21,345 --> 00:04:22,888
Max, he got us the reservation.
105
00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:25,223
I'm going to dinner
at the new "it" place.
106
00:04:25,349 --> 00:04:27,225
Ooh! The "it" place.
107
00:04:27,351 --> 00:04:30,103
Let's have dinner
at the "it" place.
108
00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:32,189
How come this isn't
the "it place"?
109
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:33,899
This isn't an "it place".
110
00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:36,026
It's more of an "it hole."
111
00:04:39,530 --> 00:04:41,699
Okay. So, how do we become
an "it place"?
112
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:43,701
First, burn the place down.
Start fresh.
113
00:04:45,202 --> 00:04:46,244
Then you create hype
114
00:04:46,370 --> 00:04:48,622
by making it impossible
to get a reservation.
115
00:04:48,747 --> 00:04:50,207
You basically refuse
to let anyone in.
116
00:04:50,248 --> 00:04:52,042
Can I be the first?
117
00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:01,134
Okay, I've put
my date purse together.
118
00:05:01,218 --> 00:05:03,220
I've got my gum, my glass
and a 20 dollar bill
119
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:04,555
to make it seem
like I have money,
120
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:07,391
which I will return to the
register at the diner tomorrow.
121
00:05:07,475 --> 00:05:09,810
Well, you're welcome
to use my date purse.
122
00:05:09,893 --> 00:05:12,938
It's a Ziploc with a cigar
and a change of boxers.
123
00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:14,607
And my phone
is fully charged,
124
00:05:14,732 --> 00:05:16,900
so I can call an Uber car
to take me home.
125
00:05:16,942 --> 00:05:18,110
An Uber car?
126
00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:20,237
You can't afford
a fancy town car.
127
00:05:20,278 --> 00:05:23,281
Yesterday, you used
an English muffin to exfoliate.
128
00:05:23,407 --> 00:05:25,743
Yeah, and then I ate it.
129
00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:29,747
Plus it's on our
joint credit card,
130
00:05:29,872 --> 00:05:31,749
which means every time
you make a dumb purchase,
131
00:05:31,874 --> 00:05:33,417
you owe me a joint.
132
00:05:33,542 --> 00:05:35,210
I don't want to have him
take me home
133
00:05:35,252 --> 00:05:36,879
and give him the wrong idea.
134
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:39,757
Oh, please do give him
the wrong idea.
135
00:05:39,798 --> 00:05:41,592
Stay out all night
with a surfer,
136
00:05:41,717 --> 00:05:43,886
ride his half-pipe.
137
00:05:44,595 --> 00:05:46,805
That's not surfboard,
that's snowboard.
138
00:05:46,889 --> 00:05:50,518
Perfect, because I'm snow-bored
with this conversation.
139
00:05:50,601 --> 00:05:53,646
What do you think,
these things on full display?
140
00:05:53,729 --> 00:05:55,272
I hate to be that roommate,
141
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:58,150
but I didn't say you could
borrow my breasts.
142
00:05:58,233 --> 00:05:59,860
What, it's just a push-up bra,
143
00:05:59,943 --> 00:06:01,779
chicken cutlets,
a little tissue and some tape.
144
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,572
You know, natural.
145
00:06:03,656 --> 00:06:05,408
Just go on your date already.
146
00:06:05,491 --> 00:06:07,868
Nancy and I have been really
looking forward to you leaving
147
00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:10,454
so we can walk around naked
and do some lines of cat nip.
148
00:06:10,579 --> 00:06:12,623
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
-Oh, that must be him.
149
00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,166
Don't worry,
he's not coming inside.
150
00:06:14,249 --> 00:06:16,919
He better not 'cause
we can't afford a baby.
151
00:06:18,504 --> 00:06:19,588
Oh, it's just Sophie.
152
00:06:19,672 --> 00:06:21,214
(POLISH ACCENT) "Just Sophie!"
153
00:06:21,339 --> 00:06:24,176
That was the name
of my talk show in Poland.
154
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:28,472
Oh, how I wished I could have
been a guest on that show.
155
00:06:28,556 --> 00:06:32,225
No, there weren't no guests.
It was just Sophie.
156
00:06:33,310 --> 00:06:36,229
Oh, you're getting ready
for your big date, Caroline?
157
00:06:36,313 --> 00:06:38,106
How did you hear
about my date?
158
00:06:38,190 --> 00:06:40,192
Oh, well, your voice travels.
159
00:06:40,859 --> 00:06:41,902
Yeah.
160
00:06:41,985 --> 00:06:44,613
I hear everything that does
and doesn't happen down here
161
00:06:44,697 --> 00:06:46,239
and down there, so...
162
00:06:46,490 --> 00:06:50,285
Yeah. So, let's just say I'm very
glad that you're going on a date.
163
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,621
Oh, and I got you
a little present.
164
00:06:53,288 --> 00:06:55,916
Cinnamon mints
for your first kiss.
165
00:06:55,999 --> 00:06:57,585
Oh, that's so sweet, Sophie.
166
00:06:57,668 --> 00:07:01,421
Yeah, and I got you
a big grab bag of condoms.
167
00:07:01,505 --> 00:07:03,131
I got all sizes.
168
00:07:03,215 --> 00:07:05,801
I got magnums,
I got super magnums,
169
00:07:05,884 --> 00:07:07,470
I got regular and...
170
00:07:08,053 --> 00:07:11,056
...he's got a great personality.
171
00:07:11,599 --> 00:07:12,933
Here you go.
172
00:07:13,016 --> 00:07:14,392
Usually, a great personality
173
00:07:14,477 --> 00:07:16,812
is the only
birth control I need.
174
00:07:16,895 --> 00:07:18,772
Thank you but I am a lady,
175
00:07:18,856 --> 00:07:21,274
and I won't be needing these
until our third date.
176
00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:24,236
Well, you better hurry up
and get dressed.
177
00:07:24,319 --> 00:07:26,196
Sophie, I'm already dressed.
178
00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:28,741
You are?
179
00:07:30,743 --> 00:07:32,369
And I like what I'm wearing.
180
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:34,913
You do?
181
00:07:35,664 --> 00:07:38,876
Well... just put on
a little makeup.
182
00:07:40,168 --> 00:07:41,712
I'm fully made up.
183
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:43,589
You are?
184
00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:47,425
Oh, well, you know,
maybe when you do your hair.
185
00:07:47,510 --> 00:07:49,177
Okay, I'm a little
behind on my hair.
186
00:07:49,261 --> 00:07:51,179
My boobs were a bigger project
than I thought.
187
00:07:51,263 --> 00:07:53,932
And I like what I'm wearing,
and I don't have time to change
188
00:07:54,016 --> 00:07:55,058
'cause he's already
20 minutes late.
189
00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:57,394
Twenty minutes late.
190
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:01,439
Yeah, that's a no-show.
191
00:08:01,774 --> 00:08:03,526
You've just got stood up.
192
00:08:03,609 --> 00:08:05,736
You got stood up
something awful.
193
00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:08,989
I did not get stood up.
I've never been stood up.
194
00:08:09,072 --> 00:08:11,199
In fact, I wouldn't even know
if I was being stood up
195
00:08:11,283 --> 00:08:13,201
because that's how little I know
about being stood up.
196
00:08:13,285 --> 00:08:14,620
Am I being stood up?
197
00:08:15,621 --> 00:08:18,248
No, you are not.
Guys are always late.
198
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:20,458
I once waited
three days for a guy.
199
00:08:21,043 --> 00:08:22,670
But he showed up
with a ransom money
200
00:08:22,753 --> 00:08:24,421
and you don't see me living
in a fridge anymore.
201
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,300
Okay, fine.
202
00:08:28,383 --> 00:08:30,719
Nobody got stood up.
203
00:08:30,803 --> 00:08:35,808
So, I'll just sit here
and text while we wait,
204
00:08:35,891 --> 00:08:38,185
you know... forever.
205
00:08:39,562 --> 00:08:42,648
And then, finally,
when it dawns on you,
206
00:08:42,773 --> 00:08:46,569
we can call our friend Oleg
and he can go put a hit on him.
207
00:08:46,652 --> 00:08:48,361
You know what, maybe he thought
we were meeting there.
208
00:08:48,445 --> 00:08:50,530
I'm calling the restaurant
to see-- Yes. Hi.
209
00:08:50,614 --> 00:08:53,116
Has a Marc Faison
checked in yet?
210
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,910
He has not.
211
00:08:54,993 --> 00:08:57,245
What about now?
212
00:08:57,329 --> 00:08:59,331
It's just that
he was supposed to--
213
00:08:59,414 --> 00:09:01,291
Well, I'm busy, too.
214
00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:05,462
Don't be so snooty,
you used to be a Hot Dog on a Stick.
215
00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:10,508
Just a heads-up,
if he doesn't show,
216
00:09:10,593 --> 00:09:12,094
I'm still getting naked.
217
00:09:12,177 --> 00:09:14,597
-(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
-Oh, there he is.
218
00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:16,473
No, it's from Amazon.
219
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:17,891
Someone's sending me a copy
220
00:09:17,975 --> 00:09:20,393
of He's Just Not That Into You.
221
00:09:28,694 --> 00:09:31,363
Yeah, I'm here for you, girl.
222
00:09:33,741 --> 00:09:35,242
Well, I got stood up.
223
00:09:35,367 --> 00:09:36,702
Remember where you are, Max.
224
00:09:36,785 --> 00:09:39,162
This was the day
Caroline Channing got stood up.
225
00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:41,123
Well, screw him
for standing you up!
226
00:09:41,206 --> 00:09:43,125
And from now on,
never trust a guy
227
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:45,335
who surfs anything
besides porn.
228
00:09:52,342 --> 00:09:53,551
Oh, look.
229
00:09:53,677 --> 00:09:56,513
Harlow & Daughters has a real
old tiny general store
230
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:57,681
kind of vibe.
231
00:09:57,765 --> 00:09:59,850
I guess they take
"Throwback Thursday"
232
00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:01,601
really seriously here.
233
00:10:01,685 --> 00:10:04,021
I mean it's 1840.
234
00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:05,856
Yeah, I wanted to take you
back to a time
235
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:07,858
before you were stood up.
236
00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:10,568
Thank you for making me
take the reservation, Max.
237
00:10:10,694 --> 00:10:12,863
I mean, otherwise, I was just gonna
get in bed and be depressed.
238
00:10:12,905 --> 00:10:15,741
You were in bed
and you were depressed.
239
00:10:15,866 --> 00:10:18,786
Don't rewrite history just
'cause these folks have.
240
00:10:18,869 --> 00:10:20,453
I mean we are smack
in the belly
241
00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:23,916
of Williamsburg ironic chic,
and I want to smack it.
242
00:10:24,041 --> 00:10:26,418
Look, they even have
a country clothesline
243
00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:27,711
hung with baby clothes.
244
00:10:27,753 --> 00:10:30,463
We should get this for Han.
245
00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:32,883
I mean, that is the most
pretentious thing
246
00:10:32,925 --> 00:10:33,884
I've ever seen.
247
00:10:33,926 --> 00:10:35,928
Hi. Welcome to
Harlow & Daughters.
248
00:10:36,053 --> 00:10:38,055
I'm the host, Brian Brian.
249
00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:40,140
No, that is.
250
00:10:41,725 --> 00:10:44,061
Yes, hi, Brian Brian.
251
00:10:44,227 --> 00:10:46,563
We have a reservation.
Faison, party of two.
252
00:10:46,604 --> 00:10:47,898
Is your whole party here?
253
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:49,066
Well, I don't know how whole
254
00:10:49,107 --> 00:10:51,568
I can ever hope to be
as I am illegitimate.
255
00:10:51,609 --> 00:10:53,403
Yes, we're both here
and thank you.
256
00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:55,948
So, both you
and Mr. Faison are here?
257
00:10:56,073 --> 00:10:59,492
Yes, I'm transitioning.
Ask around.
258
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,120
You can have a drink
259
00:11:02,245 --> 00:11:03,580
and I'll call you
when your table is ready.
260
00:11:03,621 --> 00:11:05,916
Thank you, thank you,
Brian Brian.
261
00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:07,793
I'll be right over.
262
00:11:07,918 --> 00:11:09,753
Go use your new boobs
to get us a seat at the bar.
263
00:11:11,755 --> 00:11:12,630
Hi.
264
00:11:12,756 --> 00:11:14,257
I know what
wait-by-the-bar means.
265
00:11:14,299 --> 00:11:15,633
I've been working
in restaurants
266
00:11:15,759 --> 00:11:17,302
since your clothes
were in style.
267
00:11:17,427 --> 00:11:19,637
-It means I'll seat you when--
-Brian, Brian.
268
00:11:19,805 --> 00:11:21,932
Bri-Bri, BB, come on.
269
00:11:21,974 --> 00:11:24,601
You and I both know
there's no guy coming.
270
00:11:24,642 --> 00:11:25,936
My friend got stood up.
271
00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:27,604
So, please
don't make things worse.
272
00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:29,439
Just take out your cool
little hunting knife
273
00:11:29,606 --> 00:11:31,108
and cut us some slack.
274
00:11:31,149 --> 00:11:33,693
This is where I tip you
with cash or offer you sex,
275
00:11:33,819 --> 00:11:35,153
but I'm kind of broke
and you're kind of gay,
276
00:11:35,278 --> 00:11:36,613
so just be nice.
277
00:11:39,282 --> 00:11:41,493
We don't really need to bring
my sexuality into it.
278
00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:42,995
I understand.
279
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:45,288
It's hard to be out
a 100 years ago.
280
00:11:46,456 --> 00:11:48,458
Oh, funny.
281
00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:50,127
Right this way, Mr. Faison.
282
00:11:51,169 --> 00:11:53,296
Oh, that was quick.
They're so nice here.
283
00:11:53,463 --> 00:11:55,298
Yeah, just regular folks,
284
00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:57,342
sitting around
designer pickle barrels.
285
00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:58,886
All right, here's your table.
286
00:11:58,969 --> 00:12:00,512
-Have a seat.
-Sure where?
287
00:12:00,637 --> 00:12:04,474
On these Amish birthing stools
we're all calling chairs?
288
00:12:04,516 --> 00:12:07,144
Stick to the gay jokes.
289
00:12:08,812 --> 00:12:11,148
Our Wi-Fi password
is on the ox hide.
290
00:12:11,314 --> 00:12:12,816
Your waitress
will be right over.
291
00:12:12,858 --> 00:12:16,194
Max, a waitress will be
right over and it won't be us.
292
00:12:16,319 --> 00:12:18,530
Look, dirty sawdust floors.
293
00:12:18,655 --> 00:12:19,823
If we got a bag of wood chips,
294
00:12:19,907 --> 00:12:21,699
our apartment could be
the new "it" place.
295
00:12:22,993 --> 00:12:25,662
Hello, my name is York.
296
00:12:25,703 --> 00:12:27,831
Hard to believe,
but a man named Brian Brian
297
00:12:27,998 --> 00:12:29,166
has been dethroned.
298
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:33,003
York, that's fun.
York as in "New".
299
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:36,173
York as in York.
Just York.
300
00:12:37,174 --> 00:12:39,176
So, what's this bit?
301
00:12:39,509 --> 00:12:42,595
Okay, well, um, York,
we'd like to start with some drinks.
302
00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:43,847
Having a girl's night out.
303
00:12:44,014 --> 00:12:46,183
All the single ladies
put your hands up.
304
00:12:48,226 --> 00:12:50,520
Yeah, you can't force it.
305
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:53,231
Our special libation
this evening
306
00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:55,025
is the Smallpox.
307
00:12:55,067 --> 00:12:57,735
It's absinthe, cloves,
orange bitters,
308
00:12:57,861 --> 00:13:00,280
hand-muddled in a mason jar.
309
00:13:01,198 --> 00:13:03,867
Was that drink
directed by Wes Anderson?
310
00:13:04,701 --> 00:13:07,704
Can we just get two of your
ye olde cheapest beers
311
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,622
as soon as possible
because, Dr. Quinn,
312
00:13:09,706 --> 00:13:11,208
I need some medicine, woman.
313
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:13,710
York, does the special soup
have any garlic?
314
00:13:13,751 --> 00:13:15,545
Oh, my God!
No way.
315
00:13:15,587 --> 00:13:17,797
What, is someone making soap?
316
00:13:17,881 --> 00:13:19,257
No.
317
00:13:19,382 --> 00:13:21,885
No garlic, you still think
the surfer is coming.
318
00:13:22,552 --> 00:13:23,887
Well, he might.
319
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,639
See, I was supposed to have
a date with this guy--
320
00:13:26,723 --> 00:13:29,267
You don't care.
So, the soup....
321
00:13:29,392 --> 00:13:32,395
Actually, I'm just taking
drink orders right now.
322
00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:35,440
Wow, who loved you?
323
00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:38,485
I'm guessing she never went
to a father-daughter dance
324
00:13:38,610 --> 00:13:40,570
with her mom's weed dealer.
325
00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:44,116
You don't know, Max.
326
00:13:44,241 --> 00:13:46,326
Maybe he lost his phone
and didn't have my number,
327
00:13:46,451 --> 00:13:47,911
so he's on his way
running here.
328
00:13:48,578 --> 00:13:51,081
Oh, you think he's just gonna
rush in soaking wet
329
00:13:51,248 --> 00:13:53,583
and be like, "I'm so sorry,
the traffic was terrible.
330
00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:55,252
The waves were
bumper to bumper."
331
00:13:57,254 --> 00:13:59,464
This is not
a Katherine Heigl movie.
332
00:13:59,589 --> 00:14:01,258
Sorry.
"Movie".
333
00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:03,135
Fine, he's not coming.
334
00:14:03,260 --> 00:14:05,095
And I'm not getting
into the Katie Heigl thing,
335
00:14:05,137 --> 00:14:06,263
not here, not now.
336
00:14:06,304 --> 00:14:07,931
Let's just enjoy our acorns.
337
00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:11,601
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
338
00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:14,187
Ooh, blocked number.
Maybe it's him. Hello.
339
00:14:14,271 --> 00:14:16,689
Hang up, he's not coming.
340
00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:28,035
Our drinks are right there.
341
00:14:28,118 --> 00:14:30,453
I can see them over yonder
on "Ye Olde Bar".
342
00:14:30,620 --> 00:14:31,663
It's been an hour.
343
00:14:31,788 --> 00:14:33,748
Where is our waitress,
Lizzie Borden?
344
00:14:35,959 --> 00:14:37,961
Probably in the back
deciding which words
345
00:14:38,170 --> 00:14:39,587
to pronounce weirdly.
346
00:14:40,047 --> 00:14:42,257
I'm starving.
Pass out those chicken cutlets.
347
00:14:44,592 --> 00:14:46,886
No wonder they don't have
any bad Yelp reviews,
348
00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:48,596
no one's ever tasted
their food.
349
00:14:49,431 --> 00:14:50,390
Hi.
350
00:14:50,473 --> 00:14:52,850
Our drinks, and did you
ask the chef about the soup?
351
00:14:52,935 --> 00:14:55,728
You know,
I haven't had a minute.
352
00:14:59,107 --> 00:15:00,608
She hasn't had a minute?
353
00:15:00,775 --> 00:15:03,236
What she's been doing,
dancing with wolves?
354
00:15:05,530 --> 00:15:09,993
-I mean, have you ever?
-I know. Can you even?
355
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:11,828
Byron and I have
been here forever,
356
00:15:11,995 --> 00:15:14,456
and have yet to see our
dandelion chickpea foie gras.
357
00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:16,541
-He's hypoglycemic and I'm Lila.
-And I'm pissed.
358
00:15:16,624 --> 00:15:17,875
I'm getting our drinks.
359
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,753
-Would you get us some wine?
-Oh, sure, what kind?
360
00:15:20,837 --> 00:15:23,173
A chardonnay for me and Byron
will have a sauvignon blanc.
361
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:24,757
Max, no,
they'll kick us out and--
362
00:15:24,841 --> 00:15:26,593
And what?
What, Caroline?
363
00:15:26,676 --> 00:15:28,845
You won't be here
when he arrives?
364
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:30,805
Dear Lord, the man
is not coming!
365
00:15:30,888 --> 00:15:34,392
I know that, Max,
and he's not coming because he died.
366
00:15:35,685 --> 00:15:38,063
He died, that's the only
reason I can accept.
367
00:15:40,523 --> 00:15:42,900
What's up?
How we all doing tonight?
368
00:15:42,985 --> 00:15:45,612
Not so good.
My girlfriend just broke up with me.
369
00:15:45,695 --> 00:15:47,114
Oh, yeah?
You like blondes?
370
00:15:47,197 --> 00:15:48,906
'Cause I got one
who's ready to pop.
371
00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:52,285
No, man,
I'm into Asian chicks.
372
00:15:52,369 --> 00:15:54,246
Yeah, who isn't?
373
00:15:54,329 --> 00:15:55,372
Except for Asian guys.
374
00:15:56,873 --> 00:15:58,583
Hey, do me a favor,
just wait a minute,
375
00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:00,960
and then come over to my table
and flirt with my friend.
376
00:16:01,044 --> 00:16:02,545
Why would I do that?
377
00:16:03,755 --> 00:16:05,257
On the house.
378
00:16:07,134 --> 00:16:08,593
Is that the dandelion
chickpea and other things
379
00:16:08,718 --> 00:16:10,345
that don't belong
in a dish together thing?
380
00:16:15,350 --> 00:16:18,228
All right,
your dandelion chickpea,
381
00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:20,772
a chardonnay,
and a sauvignon blanc.
382
00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:22,607
Enjoy.
383
00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:24,276
What do you think
you're doing?
384
00:16:24,359 --> 00:16:26,653
Waiting on tables.
Look into it.
385
00:16:29,072 --> 00:16:30,407
York, York, don't be mad.
386
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:32,075
Byron was starving
and we're thirsty.
387
00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:34,827
Don't kick us out,
we're too weak to go anywhere else.
388
00:16:34,911 --> 00:16:36,871
The soup has garlic.
389
00:16:36,954 --> 00:16:38,706
Oh, then no.
The salmon, please.
390
00:16:38,790 --> 00:16:40,208
Bring her the damn soup,
391
00:16:40,292 --> 00:16:42,335
she ain't kissing nobody tonight.
392
00:16:42,419 --> 00:16:44,087
And I'll have
the free-range chicken
393
00:16:44,171 --> 00:16:45,880
that thought it had a chance.
394
00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:47,382
For your help.
395
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:48,966
Byron wants you
to have it.
396
00:16:49,051 --> 00:16:53,513
Well, Byron is the only real
old-fashioned thing in here.
397
00:16:53,596 --> 00:16:55,640
I hope you both
survive the winter.
398
00:16:57,767 --> 00:16:59,144
Hey, can I join you?
399
00:16:59,227 --> 00:17:01,938
Ooh, I think that
"Can I join you?" was to you.
400
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:03,731
Oh, sure, have a seat.
401
00:17:04,441 --> 00:17:07,402
You're pretty.
You have a good body.
402
00:17:09,654 --> 00:17:11,030
Wow, thank you.
403
00:17:11,198 --> 00:17:12,574
That's actually
kind of nice to hear,
404
00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:15,368
because this is hard to believe,
but I got stood up tonight,
405
00:17:15,452 --> 00:17:17,787
and it kind of makes me feel good
when you say I'm pretty
406
00:17:17,912 --> 00:17:19,206
-and I have a good body.
-(NOTIFICATION DINGS)
407
00:17:19,331 --> 00:17:21,458
-What are you doing?
-Oh, I'm on Tinder.
408
00:17:21,624 --> 00:17:23,626
It's the straight Grindr.
I just got a hit.
409
00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:26,171
Well, I'm out.
Thanks for the drink.
410
00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:34,179
You paid a guy
to say I'm pretty?
411
00:17:34,262 --> 00:17:36,889
And then he blew me off?
412
00:17:36,973 --> 00:17:39,434
Oh, my God. I just realized
something upsetting.
413
00:17:39,517 --> 00:17:42,104
What, that we could be
enjoying delicious hot dogs
414
00:17:42,187 --> 00:17:44,231
on sticks right now?
415
00:17:45,315 --> 00:17:47,317
No, I'm a B.
416
00:17:47,442 --> 00:17:48,651
No, you're an A.
417
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,487
That bra just makes you
look like a B.
418
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:53,156
No, I mean me,
as a woman.
419
00:17:53,281 --> 00:17:54,657
I'm a B.
420
00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:58,286
You know, all this time,
I kind of thought I was an A,
421
00:17:58,328 --> 00:17:59,954
but maybe I'm just a B.
422
00:17:59,996 --> 00:18:02,957
That's why he walked away
and why the surfer stood me up.
423
00:18:02,999 --> 00:18:05,627
Caroline, I really want
to be here for you right now,
424
00:18:05,668 --> 00:18:08,171
but I gotta get a gin fizz
to the prospector in the corner.
425
00:18:09,506 --> 00:18:12,342
Max, am I a B?
Why didn't he come?
426
00:18:12,467 --> 00:18:15,345
All I know about that surfer
is that he is a D
427
00:18:15,470 --> 00:18:18,598
followed by three
other letters.
428
00:18:18,681 --> 00:18:19,974
I'd spell it out for you,
429
00:18:20,016 --> 00:18:21,768
but I'm literally afraid
I'd get it wrong.
430
00:18:22,685 --> 00:18:25,272
Interesting that you
didn't say I wasn't a B.
431
00:18:25,355 --> 00:18:27,690
Look, I don't give myself
letters in life.
432
00:18:27,857 --> 00:18:30,777
To me, it is clearly
a pass/fail situation.
433
00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:32,028
And you're sitting up,
434
00:18:32,154 --> 00:18:34,197
not drooling on yourself,
so pass.
435
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:45,708
Well, well, well,
where have you ladies been all night?
436
00:18:45,833 --> 00:18:49,712
I don't know, I'd say somewhere
between 1846 and 1860.
437
00:18:49,837 --> 00:18:52,715
And it is so great
to be back in 1974.
438
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:57,970
Well, Han, you did a good job
of making this place exclusive.
439
00:18:58,054 --> 00:19:00,056
There is literally nobody here.
440
00:19:00,557 --> 00:19:03,726
It wasn't my doing, there was
a possum in the men's room.
441
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:06,813
Correction, there is a possum
in the men's room.
442
00:19:07,522 --> 00:19:10,024
Oh, the ingredients
are escaping the kitchen again?
443
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:12,985
Well, I gotta go to the men's room
and pull out the possum.
444
00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:15,738
Oh, is that what you do
when we're not here?
445
00:19:15,863 --> 00:19:17,407
All right, let's sit down
446
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:20,076
in that authentically run-down
old booth and eat something.
447
00:19:20,202 --> 00:19:22,579
Yeah, see, those stains
aren't fake, that's real blood.
448
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:25,248
I was right here
when that guy got stabbed.
449
00:19:25,373 --> 00:19:27,750
Like I said at the time,
"Call me honey one more time,
450
00:19:27,875 --> 00:19:29,377
and I will stab you."
451
00:19:29,419 --> 00:19:31,045
You know what I just realized?
452
00:19:31,087 --> 00:19:33,881
Even if I am a B,
at least I'm an authentic B.
453
00:19:33,923 --> 00:19:35,883
I don't pretend to be
something I'm not.
454
00:19:35,925 --> 00:19:37,885
You do kind of pretend
to be something you're not...
455
00:19:37,927 --> 00:19:39,221
A "B".
456
00:19:40,263 --> 00:19:41,764
Finally, I have some customers.
457
00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:44,392
You know, I've been sitting
in the back watching Oleg
458
00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:46,936
shuck his corn all night?
459
00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:49,021
Thank you.
460
00:19:49,772 --> 00:19:52,066
Now, Luis knows
how to give service.
461
00:19:52,108 --> 00:19:55,695
Come on, chica, don't set me up
like that, it's too easy.
462
00:19:56,446 --> 00:19:59,449
Max, I think I'm gonna let go
of letter-grading myself
463
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,284
and adopt your pass/fail system.
464
00:20:01,409 --> 00:20:04,078
And sitting with you
right here is so not a fail.
465
00:20:06,748 --> 00:20:09,208
-Oh, it's just Oleg and Sophie.
-Oh, my God!
466
00:20:09,292 --> 00:20:11,461
You looked 'cause you thought
it was gonna be the surfer.
467
00:20:11,586 --> 00:20:12,754
Epic fail!
468
00:20:13,963 --> 00:20:16,466
Hey, what are you two
doing together?
469
00:20:16,591 --> 00:20:19,552
Oh, Sophie and I had some
business to take care of.
470
00:20:19,636 --> 00:20:22,054
-Right, Sophie?
-Oh, yeah.
471
00:20:22,138 --> 00:20:24,891
Caroline, we got your back.
472
00:20:24,974 --> 00:20:28,895
That Mike won't be out there
surfing again for quite a while.
473
00:20:28,978 --> 00:20:32,231
The surfer's name isn't Mike.
It's Marc.
474
00:20:34,609 --> 00:20:39,238
No wonder he kept screaming,
"My name is not Marc!"
475
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:43,785
Well, I'll tell you one thing,
476
00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:46,621
we may have seen a lot
of fake things tonight,
477
00:20:46,704 --> 00:20:49,040
but that's a for-real possum.
478
00:20:51,459 --> 00:20:54,837
Wow, Han's possum is bigger
than I thought it would be.
479
00:20:57,882 --> 00:21:00,302
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
480
00:21:25,284 --> 00:21:26,285
(English US - SDH)
35917
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.