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1
00:00:01,419 --> 00:00:02,586
Hi, how can I help you?
2
00:00:02,670 --> 00:00:05,714
And by that I mean, "What's the least
I can do to help you?"
3
00:00:06,424 --> 00:00:07,925
I'll have the burger with the fries.
4
00:00:08,717 --> 00:00:10,428
She'll have it with the salad.
5
00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:14,515
But I want the fries.
6
00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:17,185
Well, you want them,
but you don't need them.
7
00:00:19,937 --> 00:00:21,689
Fine. The salad.
8
00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:23,941
I have to pee.
9
00:00:25,276 --> 00:00:27,278
-Hi, what's your name?
-David.
10
00:00:27,445 --> 00:00:29,405
David, you should go.
11
00:00:31,115 --> 00:00:32,200
I'm sorry?
12
00:00:32,408 --> 00:00:33,451
You want her to have salad,
13
00:00:33,576 --> 00:00:34,702
she wants you to have hair.
14
00:00:34,785 --> 00:00:36,704
Neither one's gonna happen tonight.
15
00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:41,417
Yeah, it's not gonna work out
between you and French fries.
16
00:00:41,584 --> 00:00:43,752
Oh, maybe it will
for a week or a year.
17
00:00:43,919 --> 00:00:46,089
Depends if she was
molested as a kid.
18
00:00:46,422 --> 00:00:48,299
But one of these days,
she's coming after you.
19
00:00:48,424 --> 00:00:50,426
Probably in the dark.
Probably with a knife.
20
00:00:51,594 --> 00:00:54,305
And she's gonna cut off
one or both of your balls.
21
00:00:54,930 --> 00:00:56,557
And you won't think
a side of fries matters
22
00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:58,809
when you have zero balls.
23
00:01:00,144 --> 00:01:01,312
She'll have the fries.
24
00:01:02,146 --> 00:01:03,481
Yes, she will.
25
00:01:04,148 --> 00:01:05,608
Good for us.
We saved another woman's dignity
26
00:01:05,649 --> 00:01:07,276
and another man's balls.
27
00:01:07,443 --> 00:01:09,987
Yeah, we're like Dr. Phil
but more qualified.
28
00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:15,075
♪ (THEME MUSIC) ♪
29
00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:26,212
Well, here I am, the owner,
waiting on tables.
30
00:01:26,379 --> 00:01:29,548
Does Barack Obama
unclog the White House toilets?
31
00:01:30,383 --> 00:01:31,842
What's wrong with this picture?
32
00:01:32,176 --> 00:01:33,927
Well, off the top of my head,
33
00:01:34,011 --> 00:01:35,804
I ordered a coffee ten minutes ago
34
00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:38,641
and you still haven't gotten it.
35
00:01:40,393 --> 00:01:41,894
Hey, man, I'm in the weeds here.
36
00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:45,022
Well, if you've got weed,
cancel the coffee.
37
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:47,900
Uh, ladies, you're late.
38
00:01:47,983 --> 00:01:50,944
And Little Man Tate
over there is in a mood.
39
00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:53,447
Why, is he teething again?
40
00:01:54,865 --> 00:01:56,367
Uh, hello?
41
00:01:56,492 --> 00:01:59,077
You were supposed
to be here ten minutes ago.
42
00:01:59,245 --> 00:02:00,829
In Korea, your heads
would be on sticks
43
00:02:00,913 --> 00:02:02,373
outside the Samsung factory
44
00:02:02,498 --> 00:02:04,583
and you would still
have to work.
45
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,336
There is no coffee
prepped for your shift.
46
00:02:07,545 --> 00:02:09,505
FYI, tiny dancer...
47
00:02:10,047 --> 00:02:12,758
...prepping coffee is that
lazy-ass day waiter's job.
48
00:02:12,925 --> 00:02:14,260
So don't blame us.
49
00:02:14,385 --> 00:02:17,388
It's not our fault you hired
an incompetent wait staff.
50
00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:19,890
Hurry up.
You two need to make coffee.
51
00:02:20,057 --> 00:02:21,642
And you need to hire
a new day waiter.
52
00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:23,811
And maybe while you're getting
new things around here,
53
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:25,604
how about a brand-new
coffeemaker?
54
00:02:25,771 --> 00:02:28,065
One that isn't from an
Edward Hopper painting.
55
00:02:29,692 --> 00:02:32,152
Am I the only one
who's been to a museum?
56
00:02:32,695 --> 00:02:34,029
Uh, excuse me.
57
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:36,990
I've been to the art section
of Bed, Bath & Beyond.
58
00:02:37,533 --> 00:02:40,328
What if I told you I already
got you what you want?
59
00:02:40,411 --> 00:02:42,246
A high-end cappuccino machine?
60
00:02:42,413 --> 00:02:43,789
Listen, blonde ambition,
61
00:02:43,872 --> 00:02:45,208
I know you only
want me to get one
62
00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:47,210
so you can use it at
your cupcake window.
63
00:02:47,293 --> 00:02:48,502
How dare you?
64
00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,504
Unless you're comfortable
with that.
65
00:02:51,464 --> 00:02:53,173
No, I meant the new day waiter.
66
00:02:53,299 --> 00:02:55,509
He's in the kitchen.
Go train the new guy.
67
00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:57,511
What happened to the guy
we told you to fire?
68
00:02:57,595 --> 00:02:58,929
We loved him.
69
00:02:59,430 --> 00:03:00,931
Okay, we'll go train the
new guy now.
70
00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:02,350
But about that coffeemaker,
71
00:03:02,433 --> 00:03:03,809
what if go halfsies with you?
72
00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:05,060
We can't afford to go halfsies.
73
00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:06,562
We can't even go quarter-sies
74
00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:09,064
or eight-sies or whatever's
after eight-sies.
75
00:03:09,232 --> 00:03:11,108
Sixteenth-sies.
76
00:03:11,942 --> 00:03:13,277
Shoot yourselves.
77
00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:15,779
(SPRAY HISSING)
78
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:22,578
Did he say train
the new guy or new gay?
79
00:03:25,122 --> 00:03:26,832
Hi, you must be the new day waiter.
80
00:03:26,999 --> 00:03:30,836
Ah, you must be the late girls
who are supposed to train me.
81
00:03:31,169 --> 00:03:32,421
Yes, I'm Luis.
82
00:03:32,588 --> 00:03:34,965
Did he say Luis or Louise?
83
00:03:35,424 --> 00:03:36,800
I'll be out in a minute.
84
00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:38,802
I have to let this cream
dry on my face.
85
00:03:39,094 --> 00:03:40,929
Oh, I always wait for
the cream to dry.
86
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:42,848
It's the polite thing to do.
87
00:03:43,140 --> 00:03:44,182
I'm Max.
88
00:03:44,350 --> 00:03:47,019
Oh, Max is funny.
89
00:03:47,144 --> 00:03:48,312
Look at her.
90
00:03:48,521 --> 00:03:51,982
Oh, funny to mask the pain.
91
00:03:52,149 --> 00:03:53,442
I see you.
92
00:03:54,693 --> 00:03:56,362
Oh, and you're both pretty.
93
00:03:56,529 --> 00:03:58,489
Look at blondie.
94
00:03:58,656 --> 00:04:00,449
What have you had done?
95
00:04:01,325 --> 00:04:04,620
Oh, me?
Nothing, but thank you.
96
00:04:04,703 --> 00:04:06,079
I'm Caroline.
97
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:09,124
Well, nice to meet you,
but we won't be friends.
98
00:04:09,292 --> 00:04:10,709
I don't get attached.
99
00:04:10,793 --> 00:04:13,128
I'm a lifer,
I've been a waiter, 27 years.
100
00:04:13,296 --> 00:04:14,963
I've been a waiter 27 years too,
101
00:04:15,047 --> 00:04:16,674
and I'm only 26.
102
00:04:17,341 --> 00:04:21,094
And I don't get personal,
so don't ask me how old I am.
103
00:04:22,430 --> 00:04:24,765
I am 53.
104
00:04:26,016 --> 00:04:27,768
Well, my face is five.
105
00:04:27,935 --> 00:04:29,312
You look amazing.
106
00:04:29,478 --> 00:04:30,896
I've only been waiting
tables two years.
107
00:04:30,979 --> 00:04:32,523
My main focus is our
cupcake business.
108
00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:33,899
We just opened a walk-up
window--
109
00:04:33,982 --> 00:04:36,234
Honey, honey,
I don't need to know your life.
110
00:04:36,694 --> 00:04:38,111
You don't need to know mine.
111
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:39,738
Did my father put
a gun in his mouth
112
00:04:39,822 --> 00:04:41,198
at my seventh birthday party?
113
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,826
Yes, but I don't bring that to work.
114
00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:46,829
And I'm in love with you.
115
00:04:46,995 --> 00:04:48,706
Don't do that.
116
00:04:48,872 --> 00:04:50,458
Don't fall in love with me.
117
00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:52,876
You know those gays
that don't like women?
118
00:04:53,043 --> 00:04:54,545
I'm one of them.
119
00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:57,548
♪ (CELL PHONE PLAYS
UP-TEMPO RINGTONE) ♪
120
00:04:59,091 --> 00:05:01,176
Is that the theme song
from Sex and the City?
121
00:05:01,344 --> 00:05:03,261
You know it is.
122
00:05:04,262 --> 00:05:05,973
I'm a "Charlotte".
123
00:05:07,099 --> 00:05:08,392
So am I!
124
00:05:08,517 --> 00:05:09,685
There's not a lot of us.
125
00:05:09,852 --> 00:05:12,896
I'm all the dead girls
from American Horror Story.
126
00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:17,693
Well, let's get this train
on the tracks.
127
00:05:17,860 --> 00:05:19,612
Follow me, "Charlotte".
128
00:05:20,529 --> 00:05:22,573
I'm not giving up
on our cappuccino machine.
129
00:05:22,698 --> 00:05:25,033
I'm gonna work Han hard
until he gives it to me.
130
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:27,077
And yes, I just heard
how that sounded.
131
00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:29,747
Okay, Luis,
here's how the tables work.
132
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:31,415
We got the four-tops.
We got the two-tops.
133
00:05:31,499 --> 00:05:33,208
-Are you a top?
-Oh, please.
134
00:05:33,376 --> 00:05:36,837
No one is pushing this
25,000 dollar face into a pillow.
135
00:05:38,547 --> 00:05:41,467
Uh, I'm ready to order.
136
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:43,636
Luis, why don't you
take that table?
137
00:05:43,719 --> 00:05:45,554
It's part of your training,
and I don't want to.
138
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,766
Earl, that's the new day waiter.
139
00:05:48,849 --> 00:05:50,809
He's also the new gay waiter.
140
00:05:51,226 --> 00:05:53,061
Oh, I love the gays.
141
00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:54,563
They turned an old crack house
142
00:05:54,647 --> 00:05:57,274
in my neighborhood
into a cheese shop.
143
00:05:58,442 --> 00:06:01,153
I heard that cheese shop
has really good crack.
144
00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:03,406
What's the soup of the day?
145
00:06:04,239 --> 00:06:06,366
What does it say on the board?
146
00:06:06,992 --> 00:06:08,619
And you're trained.
147
00:06:09,412 --> 00:06:10,871
Max, Han said no,
148
00:06:10,954 --> 00:06:12,831
and we need that cappuccino
maker for our shop
149
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:15,709
if we're ever gonna compete
with the Starbucks around the corner.
150
00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:18,754
Or the other corner.
Or the other corner.
151
00:06:18,921 --> 00:06:21,465
Or the one that's currently
being built in my ass.
152
00:06:22,550 --> 00:06:25,135
What?
It's prime real estate.
153
00:06:25,302 --> 00:06:26,887
Everything else
in Williamsburg is taken.
154
00:06:28,597 --> 00:06:30,265
Caroline, you need a
cappuccino machine?
155
00:06:30,348 --> 00:06:31,434
I can get you one cheap.
156
00:06:31,517 --> 00:06:32,435
I know a guy.
157
00:06:32,518 --> 00:06:33,769
And if you need clean urine
158
00:06:33,852 --> 00:06:36,271
or a micro pig,
I also know that guy.
159
00:06:37,314 --> 00:06:40,358
Oh, my God.
Who was that?
160
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:46,073
Oh, that's... That's Oleg.
He's the cook.
161
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:48,909
He is gorgeous.
162
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:53,539
I'm so excited.
163
00:06:53,622 --> 00:06:55,082
Our new machine
will be here any minute.
164
00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:57,876
Our lives are about to get
a lot more cappuccino-y.
165
00:06:58,043 --> 00:07:01,296
Or should I say a latte
more cappuccino-y?
166
00:07:01,464 --> 00:07:03,716
No, you should not
say any of that.
167
00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:07,010
And as for that "special price"
Oleg said he'd give us,
168
00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:10,681
in all my three-ways, I'm up
to bat first, and I don't kiss.
169
00:07:11,599 --> 00:07:14,602
(GROANS) During the day,
it is "Hot In Herre."
170
00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:17,395
Thanks for
the weather report, Ursher.
171
00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:21,734
Here it is.
172
00:07:21,817 --> 00:07:23,527
Shut the windows
and shut up.
173
00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:27,322
Well, this is starting
exactly like I imagined.
174
00:07:27,490 --> 00:07:30,033
-Shut it!
-Oleg, where did you get this?
175
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:31,994
Shut up!
176
00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:35,288
-Are those sirens?
-Shut up!
177
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:37,040
Does it come with instructions?
178
00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:39,209
The instructions are to shut up.
179
00:07:39,835 --> 00:07:41,629
We don't want it if it's stolen.
180
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:44,131
I still feel guilty about
shaking down that Redbox
181
00:07:44,214 --> 00:07:46,174
for, I Don't Know How She Does It.
182
00:07:46,717 --> 00:07:47,801
I did not steal it.
183
00:07:47,885 --> 00:07:49,928
I knowingly bought it
from a man who stole it
184
00:07:50,095 --> 00:07:51,930
and I'm selling it at a profit.
185
00:07:52,097 --> 00:07:54,182
It's the Armenian way.
186
00:07:54,349 --> 00:07:55,601
You're not Armenian.
187
00:07:55,768 --> 00:07:58,687
I know, I'm just saying,
it's the Armenian way.
188
00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:02,149
It retails for $600,
189
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:04,777
but I'll give it to you for free
if you do me a favor.
190
00:08:04,943 --> 00:08:06,236
Free?
191
00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:09,532
Ok, I guess Max can do you
in that closet over there.
192
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:14,036
What? Now that I see it,
I have to have it.
193
00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:17,623
All right, I've been saving
this pill for something.
194
00:08:17,790 --> 00:08:20,918
Talk to Sophie. See if she
wants to get back together.
195
00:08:21,084 --> 00:08:22,920
But don't tell her I'm interested.
196
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:24,046
Do it discreetly.
197
00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:28,466
Deal. And, Oleg, I'm touched
and a little surprised.
198
00:08:28,634 --> 00:08:31,595
I didn't know you knew
the word "discreetly".
199
00:08:31,762 --> 00:08:34,682
Oh, yeah. I have a word-a-day
calendar near my bed
200
00:08:34,765 --> 00:08:37,685
next to my big pump jar
of pineapple lube.
201
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:44,775
For when you're horny and hungry.
202
00:08:47,444 --> 00:08:48,571
Max, why'd you take it?
203
00:08:48,654 --> 00:08:49,905
You don't have to have sex with him.
204
00:08:50,072 --> 00:08:52,282
I know, I'm celebrating.
205
00:08:56,453 --> 00:08:58,664
Hey, I can't find any of
the instructions on here
206
00:08:58,789 --> 00:08:59,957
for our coffeemaker.
207
00:08:59,998 --> 00:09:01,625
In fairness, I haven't been looking.
208
00:09:01,792 --> 00:09:05,212
I got sidetracked by this Buzzfeed
list of misspelled tattoos.
209
00:09:05,337 --> 00:09:08,841
This girl got, "You go grill"
on her neck.
210
00:09:10,634 --> 00:09:12,970
She must really like to cook outside.
211
00:09:14,597 --> 00:09:16,599
Did you put yourself in a time-out?
212
00:09:16,765 --> 00:09:19,434
No, I'm looking for Sophie.
She's not upstairs.
213
00:09:19,977 --> 00:09:22,479
Look, this is a long way to go
to get something for free.
214
00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:24,147
I was happy to walk into Sears
215
00:09:24,189 --> 00:09:26,483
and stuff a cappuccino
machine down my pants.
216
00:09:26,650 --> 00:09:29,486
I'm not doing it for
the free cappuccino machine.
217
00:09:29,653 --> 00:09:33,448
I'm doing it for the money we'll make
from the free cappuccino machine.
218
00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:36,660
And maybe to help Oleg
and Sophie get back together.
219
00:09:36,827 --> 00:09:39,162
You know, it's a page out
of Shakespeare, and I'm Puck.
220
00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:41,331
Puck from The Real World?
221
00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:45,127
Am I the only one
who's read a book?
222
00:09:46,294 --> 00:09:48,296
-(FAINT THUDDING)
-(GASPS) Oh, here she is.
223
00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:50,173
I'll do the talking.
It's kind of in my wheelhouse.
224
00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:53,051
You have a wheelhouse,
and we're living in this dump?
225
00:09:53,677 --> 00:09:55,804
-Morning, Sophie.
-Oh!
226
00:09:56,013 --> 00:09:57,472
(POLISH ACCENT) You caught me.
227
00:09:57,848 --> 00:09:59,683
I'm doing the walk of shame.
228
00:09:59,850 --> 00:10:01,559
You know what that means, right?
229
00:10:01,727 --> 00:10:05,022
I was having sex all night
with a stranger.
230
00:10:05,522 --> 00:10:07,399
I had sex with a guy all night once.
231
00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:10,360
At least that's what he said.
I fell asleep at 10:00.
232
00:10:11,028 --> 00:10:11,904
Sophie, come in.
233
00:10:12,029 --> 00:10:13,530
We wanted to ask you
something kind of important.
234
00:10:13,697 --> 00:10:14,907
Oh, okay.
235
00:10:15,073 --> 00:10:17,200
Well, I'll tell you.
236
00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:21,204
I don't think you're gonna make it
in the cupcake business.
237
00:10:21,997 --> 00:10:25,834
Not what the psychic in the subway
told me, but duly noted.
238
00:10:26,168 --> 00:10:28,170
Actually, it's more
of a personal question.
239
00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:30,923
Oh, okay. Well, I personally
240
00:10:31,089 --> 00:10:33,508
don't think you're gonna make
it in the cupcake business.
241
00:10:33,676 --> 00:10:37,595
-No, the question is about Oleg.
-Oh, yeah, he agrees with me.
242
00:10:37,763 --> 00:10:39,932
God's sakes, just tell her
before she tells us
243
00:10:40,057 --> 00:10:41,934
we're gonna wind up
in some disgusting apartment
244
00:10:42,059 --> 00:10:43,560
hiding from our pimp.
245
00:10:44,895 --> 00:10:46,104
Okay, Okay, Sophie.
246
00:10:46,188 --> 00:10:48,398
Do you ever think about getting
back together with Oleg?
247
00:10:48,565 --> 00:10:50,818
Oh, God, no.
248
00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:53,946
I'd rather accidently
have sex again with my cousin.
249
00:10:55,739 --> 00:10:57,783
I hate when that happens.
250
00:10:59,785 --> 00:11:01,161
Why, did--
251
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:02,830
Did he ask about me?
252
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:04,331
Oh, no, no.
I was just wondering.
253
00:11:04,414 --> 00:11:05,874
He never even mentions you.
254
00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:10,087
Oh, good.
'Cause I moved on, baby.
255
00:11:10,713 --> 00:11:13,298
Oh, no. No, I--
256
00:11:13,465 --> 00:11:17,510
I left my Spanx
on that Staten Island stoop.
257
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:18,678
And they're the good ones,
258
00:11:18,762 --> 00:11:20,263
you know,
with the pee hole in them.
259
00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:23,809
I gotta go grab 'em.
All right. Bye-bye.
260
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:32,901
Okay, good. Now we've got
the power on,
261
00:11:32,985 --> 00:11:34,778
but how do we steam the milk?
262
00:11:34,945 --> 00:11:36,529
Maybe it's on this touchpad thing.
263
00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:39,074
-(STEAM HISSING)
-(SCREAMS) Holy Mother of God!
264
00:11:39,241 --> 00:11:41,409
I just steamed my vagina.
265
00:11:42,577 --> 00:11:45,831
Max, Caroline, your shift started
three minutes ago.
266
00:11:45,998 --> 00:11:49,376
Who cares about sidework?
I probably can't have children.
267
00:11:50,753 --> 00:11:52,004
What is wrong with her?
268
00:11:52,170 --> 00:11:54,714
She just had her carpet
steam-cleaned.
269
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:01,596
You two still haven't
figured out this machine?
270
00:12:01,764 --> 00:12:03,056
Move away. I'm Asian and a man.
271
00:12:03,140 --> 00:12:04,307
I'm good with this kind of stuff.
272
00:12:04,391 --> 00:12:06,018
Well, Han, actually,
it's pretty dangerous--
273
00:12:06,101 --> 00:12:08,771
Hey, Han's a man,
according to recent lore.
274
00:12:09,479 --> 00:12:11,064
Let him save the day.
275
00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:12,149
Okay, let's see.
276
00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:14,609
Here's the steam one.
And here's the button for--
277
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:17,237
-(STEAM HISSING)
-(SCREAMS)
278
00:12:17,362 --> 00:12:19,990
My neck! It burned my neck!
279
00:12:20,157 --> 00:12:22,575
And that was my best feature.
280
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:24,411
Luckily you're not taller.
281
00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:26,079
You would've burned your vagina.
282
00:12:28,832 --> 00:12:30,083
That cappuccino machine
283
00:12:30,167 --> 00:12:32,752
might have just given me
a grande hysterectomy.
284
00:12:33,670 --> 00:12:35,964
Caroline, I know this
might not be a good time.
285
00:12:36,131 --> 00:12:38,508
I heard about your recent clambake.
286
00:12:44,848 --> 00:12:46,516
But what did Sophie say?
287
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:49,144
I'm sorry, Oleg.
Sophie's moved on.
288
00:12:49,227 --> 00:12:50,478
She's seeing other men.
289
00:12:50,562 --> 00:12:51,980
Yeah, but not
in your neighborhood.
290
00:12:52,064 --> 00:12:52,981
She's classy.
291
00:12:53,065 --> 00:12:55,859
She had the decency to do it
on a stoop in Staten Island.
292
00:12:56,318 --> 00:12:58,904
She went to the Island without me?
293
00:12:59,737 --> 00:13:02,365
We were going to travel
the world together.
294
00:13:04,827 --> 00:13:05,828
Oleg?
295
00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:07,162
Oleg, are you crying?
296
00:13:07,329 --> 00:13:10,707
No, I have a booger situation.
297
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:14,920
Says the man
who cooks the food.
298
00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:20,092
Hey, what's this area back there?
299
00:13:20,258 --> 00:13:21,927
Uh, it's our closet, why?
300
00:13:22,094 --> 00:13:23,678
I should check it out.
301
00:13:23,761 --> 00:13:27,807
I'm always looking for places to have
sex with women who are not Sophie.
302
00:13:27,891 --> 00:13:29,351
(SOBBING)
303
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,813
Is Oleg in here?
I thought I smelled him.
304
00:13:34,606 --> 00:13:37,234
That delicious mix of man and butter.
305
00:13:39,987 --> 00:13:41,363
Oleg's in the closet.
306
00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:43,907
Oh, honey,
I could've told you that.
307
00:13:46,618 --> 00:13:48,786
Really, Luis, Oleg is straight.
308
00:13:48,954 --> 00:13:49,955
Wait 'til you see what happens
309
00:13:50,038 --> 00:13:52,499
when I place an order
for a bone-in rib eye.
310
00:13:53,375 --> 00:13:55,418
It's true. He shows us
his penis every--
311
00:13:55,543 --> 00:13:59,214
Ah-ah-ah, boundaries, girls,
boundaries.
312
00:14:00,048 --> 00:14:01,925
So is it a nice one?
313
00:14:04,636 --> 00:14:06,429
Well, it did open a door
for me once.
314
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:11,059
Hey Luis,
maybe you can help us.
315
00:14:11,143 --> 00:14:12,310
Since you're a lifer, you have to
know how to
316
00:14:12,394 --> 00:14:14,562
-work this thing.
-No, no, no, I work for a diner.
317
00:14:14,729 --> 00:14:16,940
I don't work for you.
Don't bring me into your drama.
318
00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:19,567
♪ (CELL PHONE RINGTONE PLAYS) ♪
319
00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:22,695
Oh, I have to get this.
It's my mother. She's on death watch.
320
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:25,448
But we used to have the same machine
when I worked at Starbucks.
321
00:14:25,657 --> 00:14:27,492
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
322
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:31,829
No, I am not working at Starbucks.
323
00:14:31,997 --> 00:14:34,124
That's not what I was gonna say.
324
00:14:35,250 --> 00:14:36,626
Just for two hours.
325
00:14:37,169 --> 00:14:39,129
We can quit after we learn how
to work this damn machine.
326
00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:40,964
Hey, I am not a quitter.
327
00:14:41,131 --> 00:14:43,175
I get fired.
That's my wheelhouse.
328
00:14:46,178 --> 00:14:48,263
I can't believe
we got hired so quickly.
329
00:14:48,430 --> 00:14:51,433
And I can't believe
I'm a medium apron.
330
00:14:51,599 --> 00:14:54,811
And I can't believe I'm working
for a corporate coffee place.
331
00:14:54,978 --> 00:14:56,563
This might be the
lowest point of my life,
332
00:14:56,646 --> 00:15:00,358
and my mom once lost me
in a craps game behind a casino.
333
00:15:02,319 --> 00:15:03,903
Hi, we're here to be trained.
334
00:15:04,071 --> 00:15:06,698
I know.
That's unfortunate.
335
00:15:06,864 --> 00:15:09,451
-My name's Devon.
-Well, that's unfortunate.
336
00:15:10,618 --> 00:15:11,703
Let's get this over with.
337
00:15:11,786 --> 00:15:13,746
I have a lot of other places
I need to be.
338
00:15:13,830 --> 00:15:15,165
Like your mom's basement?
339
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,792
Hey, you don't have
to give me attitude.
340
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,087
I don't have to,
but it's my pleasure.
341
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:22,214
Sorry, Devon,
It's just that it's hard for her
342
00:15:22,297 --> 00:15:23,881
'cause your name is Devon.
343
00:15:24,299 --> 00:15:26,343
So what are you girls?
Writers?
344
00:15:26,509 --> 00:15:28,928
Folk duo? Just bitches?
345
00:15:30,555 --> 00:15:31,931
Nailed it, loser.
346
00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:33,266
Max, pace yourself.
347
00:15:33,350 --> 00:15:35,393
We need this job for another
hour and 50 minutes.
348
00:15:35,477 --> 00:15:37,479
Okay, but for real,
how long do you gotta work here
349
00:15:37,562 --> 00:15:38,896
before the health
insurance kicks in?
350
00:15:38,981 --> 00:15:39,814
And is there dental?
351
00:15:39,897 --> 00:15:42,109
'Cause I got a dead tooth
doing nothing for me.
352
00:15:43,026 --> 00:15:44,861
The insurance kicks in
after 30 days.
353
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:46,863
But it's a PPO, not an HMO.
354
00:15:47,030 --> 00:15:48,698
Oh, we just got an HMO
at our other job.
355
00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:50,325
He's a Charlotte.
356
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,619
Okay, here we go.
357
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:55,038
Look, this is the machine
we use for everything.
358
00:15:55,205 --> 00:15:57,290
It's incredibly easy to work
unless you're stupid,
359
00:15:57,374 --> 00:15:58,666
in which case, tell me now.
360
00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:00,543
Devon, we're not your
mean stepdad.
361
00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:03,088
Just show us how
to use the machine.
362
00:16:04,172 --> 00:16:06,841
Listen up. Unlatch the portafilter
from the group head.
363
00:16:07,009 --> 00:16:08,551
Press here for an ounce of grounds.
364
00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:10,637
Tamp it in, pack it down,
turn it on.
365
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:12,222
I didn't get that, did you?
366
00:16:12,389 --> 00:16:14,766
Honestly, all I heard
was "group head".
367
00:16:15,267 --> 00:16:16,768
So you tamp, pack,
turn the knob,
368
00:16:16,851 --> 00:16:19,021
wait three, blast for 30,
then you pour the shot.
369
00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:20,688
Place the steam wand
halfway in the pitcher
370
00:16:20,772 --> 00:16:23,775
at a 45-degree angle until
the milk is 103 degrees.
371
00:16:24,026 --> 00:16:26,653
So what you're saying
is it's easier to make meth?
372
00:16:27,612 --> 00:16:30,448
Syrups, powders,
whipped cream is right here.
373
00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:31,699
You ever work with one of these?
374
00:16:31,783 --> 00:16:33,618
I think I can handle it.
I went to Wharton.
375
00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:35,953
-Well, I went to Harvard.
-And I went to juvie.
376
00:16:36,121 --> 00:16:38,581
And we're all here
wearing an apron.
377
00:16:41,043 --> 00:16:43,295
A grande double cap, non-fat.
378
00:16:43,461 --> 00:16:45,004
Grande double cap, non-fat.
379
00:16:45,422 --> 00:16:47,340
(MEOWING NONSENSICALLY)
380
00:16:47,590 --> 00:16:49,509
A venti triple cap, no whip.
381
00:16:49,676 --> 00:16:51,094
Venti triple cap, no whip.
382
00:16:51,303 --> 00:16:53,180
(CONTINUES MEOWING)
383
00:16:54,056 --> 00:16:55,848
Grande double soy latte.
384
00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:57,725
Grande double soy latte.
Got it, Max?
385
00:16:57,892 --> 00:16:59,018
Nope.
386
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:03,856
-Where's those drinks, Max?
-Working on it, getting close.
387
00:17:05,942 --> 00:17:08,570
And I finished all over myself.
388
00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:10,988
That's so me.
389
00:17:11,156 --> 00:17:12,907
Come on, Max,
it can't be that hard.
390
00:17:13,075 --> 00:17:15,785
You two, switch.
I gotta put out more napkins.
391
00:17:15,952 --> 00:17:17,620
That women's breakup
support group is here,
392
00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:19,372
and they tap us out.
393
00:17:19,497 --> 00:17:20,582
Think they're crying now?
394
00:17:20,665 --> 00:17:22,875
Just wait 'til we
run out of cake pops.
395
00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:26,796
I'll have a tall cap,
triple-shot half caf.
396
00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:29,341
Small scrap nipple slap half-half.
397
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:34,053
That's not what I said.
398
00:17:34,221 --> 00:17:35,930
Tall cap triple-shot half caf?
399
00:17:36,098 --> 00:17:38,850
Girl, you're good at this.
You should work at Starbucks.
400
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:41,436
I am good.
I think I'm getting the hang of this.
401
00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:43,605
-Now I just have to-- (SCREAMS)
-(STEAM HISSING)
402
00:17:43,813 --> 00:17:45,107
Holy Mother of... Ouch!
403
00:17:45,273 --> 00:17:48,735
This thing hates women so much,
we should call it Texas.
404
00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:55,700
Or Ohio.
405
00:17:56,326 --> 00:17:58,286
Or, to be honest,
most of America.
406
00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:01,331
I'll have a tall drip, extra hot.
407
00:18:02,124 --> 00:18:04,542
-Uh, what's your name?
-Gregg, with three "g"'s.
408
00:18:04,792 --> 00:18:07,337
Yeah, you're gonna be
this picture of a penis.
409
00:18:12,675 --> 00:18:13,843
That's rude.
410
00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:15,970
Now it has a hat on it.
411
00:18:17,639 --> 00:18:19,724
It's saying, "good day."
412
00:18:19,891 --> 00:18:21,518
Do you want me to talk
to your manager?
413
00:18:21,684 --> 00:18:23,811
Yeah, in about 20 minutes,
after she learns this machine.
414
00:18:26,856 --> 00:18:27,857
Hi.
415
00:18:28,024 --> 00:18:31,736
I'll take a non-fat
venti drip for Vera.
416
00:18:31,903 --> 00:18:35,072
And a tall latte for Fran.
417
00:18:35,198 --> 00:18:38,576
And a gingerbread latte
with 11 Splendas.
418
00:18:38,993 --> 00:18:41,413
Can you two explain what this is?
419
00:18:41,538 --> 00:18:44,916
-I'd say it's pretty obvious.
-That's a penis wearing a hat.
420
00:18:45,583 --> 00:18:47,043
Why?
421
00:18:47,210 --> 00:18:50,087
Because it's bald
and a little insecure.
422
00:18:52,089 --> 00:18:54,551
-Dudes, you're, like, fired.
-Come on, Devon.
423
00:18:54,676 --> 00:18:56,928
We just need 20 more minutes
to learn that machine.
424
00:18:57,094 --> 00:18:58,555
-Please?
-No.
425
00:18:58,930 --> 00:19:00,723
Return your aprons and caps.
426
00:19:00,890 --> 00:19:04,561
And do not even think about
putting sandwiches in your pockets.
427
00:19:04,894 --> 00:19:06,062
What?
428
00:19:06,771 --> 00:19:08,565
A girl can't get a morning bun?
429
00:19:08,731 --> 00:19:10,733
No and no.
430
00:19:10,900 --> 00:19:13,570
And take this crappuccino
you made with you.
431
00:19:16,948 --> 00:19:19,033
Oh, yeah, that is not quite right.
432
00:19:19,784 --> 00:19:21,786
And it hit my dead tooth.
433
00:19:27,584 --> 00:19:29,919
-How you doing with that milk?
-Great.
434
00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:32,464
Mine's more whipped
than Nick Cannon.
435
00:19:33,256 --> 00:19:35,758
Hola, chicas. How's it going
with your new machine?
436
00:19:35,925 --> 00:19:38,303
Not that I care
or am invested at all.
437
00:19:38,761 --> 00:19:41,639
Oh, I think mine's coming.
I think mine's coming.
438
00:19:42,765 --> 00:19:44,559
You don't even know
if you're coming or not?
439
00:19:44,601 --> 00:19:46,228
That's so you.
440
00:19:46,603 --> 00:19:48,438
Have you seen Oleg?
441
00:19:48,605 --> 00:19:51,065
No, not since
he came out of the closet.
442
00:19:51,233 --> 00:19:54,319
-Why are you looking for him?
-How is this your business?
443
00:19:54,486 --> 00:19:56,946
Because you said,
"Have you seen Oleg?"
444
00:19:57,113 --> 00:20:00,157
You got me.
Look at you.
445
00:20:00,325 --> 00:20:02,952
So much spice, so much pain.
446
00:20:03,453 --> 00:20:04,912
You got me.
447
00:20:05,079 --> 00:20:06,414
Hey, everybody.
448
00:20:06,581 --> 00:20:10,627
Hola, Oleg, and Oleg's sister?
449
00:20:11,628 --> 00:20:13,505
This is Sasha.
We met last night.
450
00:20:13,630 --> 00:20:15,632
And a few times this morning.
451
00:20:15,798 --> 00:20:17,759
-But do me a favor.
-Don't tell Sophie about this?
452
00:20:17,925 --> 00:20:20,470
No, do tell her.
I've moved on.
453
00:20:20,637 --> 00:20:22,514
I filled that hole she left.
454
00:20:22,972 --> 00:20:24,807
Come on, let's get you back
to your uncle's house
455
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:26,851
before he wakes up.
456
00:20:28,185 --> 00:20:30,187
Oh, it happens to a lot of gays.
457
00:20:30,355 --> 00:20:33,316
They come out, they freak out,
they go back in.
458
00:20:33,441 --> 00:20:34,984
But I see him.
459
00:20:35,818 --> 00:20:37,862
And I'll be here until he sees me.
460
00:20:37,987 --> 00:20:39,989
♪ (CELL PHONE RINGTONE PLAYS) ♪
461
00:20:40,197 --> 00:20:41,824
Hola, mami.
462
00:20:41,991 --> 00:20:44,869
Uh-oh. Charlotte's headed for a fall.
463
00:20:45,995 --> 00:20:48,122
I did it.
I made a perfect cappuccino.
464
00:20:48,164 --> 00:20:50,792
Seventy-five percent of my body
is burned, but I did it.
465
00:20:52,168 --> 00:20:53,378
So how is it?
466
00:20:54,170 --> 00:20:55,797
We are so putting the small scrap
467
00:20:55,838 --> 00:20:57,632
nipple slap half-half on the menu.
468
00:21:01,511 --> 00:21:03,346
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
469
00:21:28,705 --> 00:21:29,706
(English US - SDH)
34921
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