Original subtitles

Sophie, this is so generous of you

to offer to buy us dresses for the gala,

but as much as my shoes love being back

- in their place of birth... - Oh, your shoes were born here?

Mine were born in China, but I adopted them at payless.

Maybe we should find something cheaper,

at one of those consignment stores.

"Consignment stores"?

Come on, what are we, gypsies?

This is big fancy ball. We need ball gowns.

Never really been a fan of balls.

In fact, always thought they got in the way,

but here we are.

Well, we do have to look amazing

if we're approaching Martha Stewart with a cupcake,

so we'll find a way to pay you back

and start by doing some cleaning jobs for you for free.

No! Every year I give money to charity,

and I like you two girls

way more than the babies with the broken smiles.

So don't worry. I got plenty of cash.

Aww, a roll of hundreds.

Reminds me of my Christmas stocking stuffers.

Yeah, this is fun day.

I'm like Richard Gere and you're my two hookers.

Well, when you put it like that,

I'm a little more comfortable.

Good afternoon. How can I help you?

Hi, how are you? We don't have a lot of time.

We have to be at work by 6:00.

Can you show us your best formal spring couture?

Perhaps you ladies might be more comfortable

down in ready-to-wear.

As I said, we're in a bit of a rush.

We might move a little quicker if you dropped the attitude

and picked up some dresses.

Show her your wad.

Let's look at some dresses.

Yeah, and get us some champagne,

like in the movies.

# The patron, own, let's go get it on #

# the zone, own, yes, I'm in the zone #

# is it two, three, leave a good tip #

# I'm-a blow off my money and don't give two...#

# I'm on the floor, floor #

# I love to dance #

# so give me more, more #

# till I can't stand #

# get on the floor, floor #

# like it's your last chance #

# if you want more, more #

# then here I am #

# starships were meant to fly #

# hands up and touch the sky #

# can't stop, 'cause we're so high #

# let's do this one more time #

# starships were meant to fly #

# hands up and touch the sky #

# let's do this one last time #

# hands up #

# we're higher than a mother...#

# #

# higher than a mother...#

# jump in my hoopty hoopty hoop #

# I own that #

# and I ain't paying my rent this month #

# I owe that #

# but... who you want and... who you like #

# dance your life, there's no end in sight #

# twinkle, twinkle, little star #

# now, everybody, let me hear you say #

# starships were meant to fly #

# hands up and touch the sky #

# starships were meant to fly #

# hands up, and touch the sky #

# let's do this one more time #

# oh oh oh #

One, two.

Han, did you just go up on your tiptoes like a big boy?

Well, I wasn't expecting a photo opportunity.

And I left my tom cruise man-heels at home.

Max, give him a break.

This is a man who was too short to be a jockey.

Oleg, give me your camera.

I must approve picture.

We've taken it three times already.

Han, if you want a nip slip, just ask.

My dress is too pretty for this conversation,

so I'm gonna go get the cupcake from the refrigerator.

And I'm going to warm up my new town car for the ladies.

New?

What is this, 2002?

I hope so,

then I will have chance to meet you for first time

all over again.

Now this is not professional driver talk.

Hey, fancy ball Buster, what's your deal?

You told him to get a dream and a drive,

and he did.

Max, I have two sore spots.

Trusting men and...

And here, where that crazy Jamaican

wove my extensions too tight.

I'm thinking I should wait to put the cupcake

in the cupcake purse till we get out of the car.

We want our beer batter maple bacon cupcake

to represent our cupcake business.

We have a new record.

She cupcake four times in one speech.

We should go. Upper East Side from Brooklyn

at this time of day is crazy.

But we came in here to show Earl.

Maybe Earl decided not to come

since he had the night off.

Max, we really should be there at the start.

That's prime Martha Stewart stalking time.

You're right. And Martha will probably

have to leave early to get up to bake;

A little something I knows about.

The only difference between Martha and I

is she probably doesn't have to worry about

waking up her roommate who lives

four feet from the oven.

But otherwise, twinsies!

Hold up, hold up, hold up.

Earl, slow down, your heart.

Sorry I'm late, ladies.

But if I run any faster, the cops

tend to pull guns on me.

Got held up at the florist shop,

but I made it. Here you go, ladies.

Aww, Earl, you got us flowers?

Wrist corsages.

I hope they're still in style.

They're a classic, Earl.

Like you.

Mmm, that was worth the run.

Let's go, ladies.

Oleg is waiting to drive you.

And you drive me crazy.

Yeah, yeah. Tell it to the marines.

Here, Earl, take my phone.

I can't fit it in the purse with my cupcake.

Have the best time in the world.

And say hello to "huge" Jackman for me.

That is not a good sign.

That car is smoking harder than Bob Marley

on a rasta holiday.

Sophie, if my cousin Yuri said he would be here

in half hour with parts to fix,

he will be here in half hour.

Actually, it's been 40 minutes.

Your cousin is like you.

- He takes too long to come. - Oh, this is news.

Suddenly a woman wants a man to finish fast.

Oh, please.

Sex is not a carnival cruise.

I'm a busy woman.

You get on, you get off.

Can I get a hit off that?

We'll just have to wait, I guess.

I mean, if I still lived in Manhattan, I'd hail a cab.

But that's not gonna happen out here in the boondocks!

Plus, even if we could afford a cab,

we'd be stuck forever in rush hour gridlock.

Could you take it down a notch?

Hipsters are starting to look at us

like we're trying too hard.

Where did han go?

He said he might have a plan.

Oh, my lord and Taylor!

That little mother can ride.

You two look like two princesses in a fairy tale.

Are you feeling safe?

I couldn't feel any safer

if we were riding a rubber into town.

Here we go. Bye, guys.

- Bye. - Go, Chestnut!

Oh, check it out. You see what I see?

Hello, officers.

We're on way to the ball down the street,

and we were wondering if we could please leave

our horse with your horses?

And I can save you the time

on the breathalyzer test;

No, we are not drunk

or on some bachelorette party scavenger hunt.

Our car broke down in Brooklyn,

so we rode over the Brooklyn bridge and up.

You rode a horse across the Brooklyn bridge?

That's badass.

Yes... And illegal.

In that case, we took the tunnel.

Well, I think we can help you two ladies.

Not gonna happen, Dave. We're on duty.

Officers, we're already a little late.

And with all due respect, we don't have time

to play good cop, bad cop.

Or in your cases, hot cop, hot cop.

Well, I think we can help you ladies.

Let's get you down off of there.

I got the one in the low-cut.

Thanks officer hot and officer hotter.

Max, I'm really impressed with how well

you're maneuvering around in that long skirt.

Yeah, I was a serving wench at a medieval times restaurant.

It's a breeze when I'm not carrying

a tray loaded with Turkey legs and ale.

There's the "will call" table.

Walk in front and I'll hide behind you,

as I'm the most hated woman in New York.

So basically, I'm a human shield?

Well, you have more up here to stop anything.

- Max! - What?

Did someone pull a gun?

I knew that was gonna happen.

No, I screamed because I saw the couple

whose sworn statement put my father in prison.

Max!

Acid in your pretty face?

Sorry, I stayed up all night reading

what people want to do to you in your hate mail.

What was it?

I went down so fast, I may have smeared my cupcake.

That's the filthiest sounding clean thing I ever heard.

It's fine. Good.

Now let's go get those cheap plastic security bracelets

that ruin our expensive gowns.

- Can I get your name? - Caroline...

Channing.

I'm sorry, what?

Caroline...

Channing.

What's with you? Just say your name.

Channing.

Did you say channing? Caroline channing?

Wait, are you that Caroline channing?

Shh, yes, and I personally called the R.S.V.P. number.

It has to be there.

Channing, channing, channing...

No, I don't see "Caroline channing."

Shh. Maybe it's under my name.

Max black. I'm with her.

Black... no, no, no, I don't see any blacks here.

You mean besides the ones working security?

Let me check with Paul Platt, the party planner.

He's on the phone with him right now.

Hey, Brody. Both: Oh, no.

There's a problem with the list.

She's not on it. Her.

- Caroline channing. - Sh

Paul, I've got Caroline channing,

and she's not on the list.

If everybody in this line could just wait until

we get the Caroline channing situation under control...

If you say "channing" one more time,

I'm going to actually pull your voice box out.

And its s so much more violent than it sounds.

Yes, Paul, I'll tell them.

There's been a little mix-up.

Five more minutes will get you right in.

You're not getting in.

Well, that's it. We tried.

- We gave it our best shot. - Oh, no.

This is the closest I have ever gotten

to anything in my life almost working out.

- We are not giving up. - How are we getting in?

- Security's everywhere. - Yeah, out here,

but not at the servers' entrance.

I catered this last year.

That's right, we're going backdoor.

Ooh!

That lady just punched me.

I knew that was gonna happen!

So you can just walk in here?

Anyone can just walk right in?

Well, it helps that last year

I made out with the tent flap guard, Rico,

but basically, yeah, anyone.

When I think of all the times

I left my purse on a table here unattended,

I shudder... Shudder.

Okay, so we can't get in the actual building

without being caterers,

so we have to change into those uniforms.

Wait.

You never mentioned anything about

a rent-a-clothes situation.

Small price to pay for us making it.

Is it? Is it a small price to pay?

Hurry, we have a superstar to stalk!

I thought I would hate it, but I'm kind of into it.

I'm very Janelle Monae.

No, you're Janelle I-have-no-Monae.

What are we going to do with our dresses?

We can't leave them out here. I need them inside.

I have to look amazing when I meet Martha Stewart.

What does it matter what we're wearing?

We're still going to be the two crazy girls

chasing her down with a cupcake.

- That's why it matters. - Oh, ooh!

I know. Here.

Help me get the shelves out of this.

We can hang our dresses in here

and push them in. Brilliant.

Kind of like the Louis Vuitton travel wardrobe I used to have.

Or the service elevator I was born in.

Coming through, hot food.

Look out, very hot! Man, it's hot.

You're a waiter, not a weatherman.

Hey, pretty girls,

I like the way you push around that big steel box

why don't you come over here and I'll have sex with you?

A display like that really makes you appreciate

oleg's nuanced wit.

Okay, let's go right to the ladies room

so we can change.

Is it that way or that way?

What?

Shh, Johnny!

How'd he get invited?

This used to be an exclusive event.

He's "made it,"

he goes where "made it" people go.

Why are we hiding from that lowlife?

If he sees me in another waiter uniform,

I'm the sad girl always in the uniform.

If he sees me in that dress at the ball,

he can suck it.

Ladies room, that way.

The ladies room is right down here.

Push harder. Harder!

Do you want Martha to see you dressed like that?

- Move! Coming through! - Excuse us.

Food emergency.

Fingers, fingers, fingers, fingers.

Coming through, coming through.

- Excuse us. - Look alive, red!

- I almost hit you. - Hold up.

Now just hold up. What is going on right now?

You can't bring food in here.

Oh, it's not food. That would be weird.

It's dresses. We have to change into these,

'cause she has this guy she wants to impress,

and I have to change into it

because I'm stalking Martha Stewart.

Ooh, I'd be a terrible spy.

Usually I don't get the long stories

till the end of the night,

and by then, the girls are crying

and begging me for Wisdom and tic tacs.

I'll go first.

I have to get two of these in one dress.

Miss, do you have a shoehorn?

Come on, chanel shoes!

Come on, chanel knockoffs.

Why are you not dressed yet?

'Cause ladies take forever.

It's all the spanx.

Well, go, use my stall. I want to go stick my head out,

and see if I can scope out Johnny.

No, ma'am, no! Not fair, ma'am.

Try the handicapper. This side.

Good idea.

I cannot get a break tonight.

- Psst, yo, Max. - Johnny!

Who are you looking for?

The Dominos guy.

I was hiding in there, 'cause five more minutes,

the pizza's free.

I was hoping I'd run into you.

Eh, no big deal.

Pretty big deal. You look amazing.

Amazing. I will go as far as amaze-balls.

Thanks.

You look like a guy in a commercial

who has a ring and puppy hidden somewhere.

Can you believe it?

We're both at this shmancy thing.

Look how far we've gotten.

Actually, when you think about it,

we didn't get very far at all.

Nope, you're right. We didn't.

Yeah, why?

Timing, I guess.

Timing?

Okay, whatever.

You know, from now on, when I think of you,

I'm gonna think of you in this and not the uniform.

You know, from now on,

maybe you shouldn't think of me at all.

Gotta go, Mr. Manhattan.

That was awesome! Caroline, where are you?

I'm almost dressed.

I just had the perfect in-your-face good-bye

with Johnny.

And speaking of "in your face,"

he couldn't take his eyes off my boobs...

Boobs that he can never have,

now that he's getting married.

Damn, girl, you look good. What you doing later?

Can I get your number?

Oh, no, the cupcake got a little smushed in my purse.

We can't show this to Martha Stewart now.

Sure, we can.

You think she never had a cupcake smush on her?

I doubt that very much.

Martha Stewart is perfect.

Her feet don't even touch the ground.

The woman probably doesn't even go to the bathroom.

Martha Stewart's hardly perfect.

And how are you this evening?

No, you're right, Martha Stewart isn't perfect.

Oh, I never said that!

In fact, I hear she's a real ballbuster.

You did not hear that.

Yep, a real ballbuster, you know?

No, I do not know.

Would you mind handing me a towelette please?

Oh, one's fine. Thank you so much.

But the fact that Martha Stewart is so tough...

Caroline, you need to get out here right now.

The fact that she is a real ballbuster...

Oh, dear God, help me.

Is what I like and respect about her.

I mean, the woman's a genius.

Now it's getting interesting.

And besides, you can't really believe gossip.

Look at all that hate mail I got

with people calling me a bitch,

and I'm not a bitch.

Well, that's debatable.

- Martha Stewart, hi. - Hello.

I'm Caroline, and this is my business partner, Max,

and we have a start-up cupcake business.

Dude, are you serious? You're still going for it.

I know this is highly inappropriate,

but we brought a cupcake here tonight

in hopes that you might taste it.

So you want me to taste your cupcake

in the ladies room.

What's inappropriate about that?

We're a start-up business. We've got to take risks.

This is Max. She's the baker.

You're the baker.

I'm the baker.

Hm, it looks quite appealing.

Oh, my God.

I know this is a social event,

so I'm so sorry for making it about business.

When you're in business for yourself,

you have to take every situation

as a business opportunity.

Look, I have five of these in here.

I love your magazine.

I read every single issue

until they realized I didn't even go to that doctor.

Well, in spite of the fact

that you have not yet washed your hands...

I was just changing my dress in there.

- I'll taste it. - You will?

I like your entrepreneurial drive.

And I have a feeling that it's actually

the only way I'm gonna get out of here alive.

That is our beer batter maple bacon spring break cupcake.

- Hm, clever name. - Thank you.

It is a little smushed, though. That's unfortunate.

I told you.

Mmm. Quiet tasty.

I like it.

Do you girls have a card?

Get it out, get it out, get it out.

Ah, thank you very much.

"Max's homemade cupcakes."

Well, you know who'd really like that cupcake?

Stoners.

She said "Max's homemade cupcakes."

Both: Martha Stewart likes our cupcakes!

Martha Stewart likes our cupcakes!