Original subtitles

Wow! Bummer, dude.

You have a time machine?

And somehow, it got programmed to this crap diner?

I must admit, I am quite taken with steampunk.

Oh, steampunk, right. I remember that trend.

It happened for, like, ten seconds

back in 2000 and-are-you-kidding-me?

Dude, seriously, you're sitting

in a public place tap-tap-tapping

on an oldie typewriter?

What are you?

In the league of extraordinarily pretentious gentlemen?

Aren't you being a little aggressive?

Yup.

That's how people are here in the present

where we live.

But don't get me wrong.

I'd like to go back in time, too.

Maybe stop 9/11 or that creep who had sex on my shoe,

but I can't.

Present? Where's that uniform from?

Like, 1998?

Oh, stop, or I'm going to have

to shoot you with a Smith & Wesson

I'm currently packing in my bloomers.

I'll go get thee a menu, my good man.

attention, everyone.

Max and I have a little late-night treat for you.

Don't say it all excited like that.

Now when it's not drugs, Earl's going to be pissed.

You are invited to a very important taste-test

of Max's homemade cupcakes.

Okay, but I will have only one.

When I get a tummy, single ladies call me Buddha

and rub me for luck.

I gotta watch out, too.

Last time I had Max's chocolate espresso cupcake

before going home,

I was awake till 5:00 A.M.,

hand washing all my thongs.

doesn't mean there's not swing in the sling.

Oh, Caroline, darling. Can you go back over there?

I forgot my racing form.

Oh, horse racing? It reminds me of Chestnut.

Max... Chestnut.

What's with the sad face?

Your horse is living it up at a fancy stable nearby.

Not gone to the great stud farm in the sky.

Did someone say "stud farm"?

My fee is $10 a quart or $15 if you want a boy.

Wow.

You bounced back from your Sophie breakup pretty quick.

It was not a real breakup.

I will have her very soon again.

Right now, I lay low and wait in bushes

like determined jungle cat.

Or a rapist.

Racing forms, here you go.

Earl, maybe some time

you will take me out to the track with you.

I used to ride horses all the time in Korea.

The mechanical ones for a quarter

in front of supermarkets?

Actually, Max, I'm a very good rider.

In fact, I was training to be a jockey

but was too short.

Too short to be a jockey?

That's a hard hit, my man.

Han, I had no idea you loved horses, too.

Why didn't you ever say anything?

Well, why didn't you ever ask about any of my interests?

I'll tell you why.

Because all you ever talk about is "our cupcake business,"

our cupcake business."

Doesn't your cd have other tracks?

Anyway, our cupcake business

has a very important meeting tomorrow

with Paul Platt, the party planner.

I know a party planner, too.

He sells J .Lo. and Salma Hayek Pinatas

off back of truck for Cinco de Mayo.

Awesome. Put me down for a Hayek.

More storage space for candy.

Well, our party planner is the it guy in Manhattan.

And tomorrow, Max and I are doing

a tasting for him at his office.

How can someone be too short to be a jockey?

Isn't that the whole point?

Are you all right, Max?

I got here as fast as I could.

Caroline texted me to hurry over

because you didn't know you were pregnant,

and you were giving birth over toilet.

So I grabbed my plunger and ran!

That is insane. I never texted that.

No, I did, when I stole your phone.

I needed a reason to get Sophie over here.

I can't believe she believed it.

Oh, come on, Max. Giving birth over toilet?

That is very you.

Now that you are here, Sophie, sit.

I want to tell you something important.

Well, you can forget that.

There's no way I'm going to stay.

A cupcake party?

Oh, look, and this one even has a pretzel in it.

Yup, that's our "salty n' spice"

for our more adventurous customers.

Also for the uptight white people,

we have the very, very vanilla

which is... big surprise... My favorite.

And this is our beer-batter maple bacon

spring break cupcake.

That's for stoners, and big surprise, my favorite.

Well, I have some big news

I want to share with you all as well.

Sophie, that classy lady right over there...

Mm, I like this one.

She recently broke it off with me

because she wanted to be with a man

who had a dream and a drive.

So I have bought a drive...

A Lincoln town car.

Yes, I have a new car service and slogan:

"Lie back and I will ride you till you tell me to stop."

So, oleg, you now have a town car business?

And Sophie, you rent town cars all the time.

Oh, oh, please.

I mean, I love pizza, too, but that doesn't mean

I have to marry papa John.

I was just thinking, you might want to come out back

and take a look at the light-up makeup mirror on visors.

Light-up makeup mirror?

Oh, I might be interested.

But not just you and I.

Han will come as well.

Finally! Han is getting invited to something.

Other than LinkedIn.

- So much for the taste test. - It's fine.

I know what's best for our cupcake business.

I do say that a lot,

but I think it's kind of charming.

I'll go get our coats.

Mm, mm, mm. Look at you.

I must say, I'm impressed with how far you've come.

Well, you burn a few thousand cupcakes,

you're bound to get better.

Not just the cupcakes, Max.

Look how far you've come.

When I think of that girl who came in here

just looking to get by...

Hey, and check you out now.

Big, fancy meeting in Manhattan. Lordy lord!

- It's only a meeting, Earl. - Maybe.

But if you were one of these horses,

I'd put all of my money on you, Max.

Paul Platt parties. Please hold.

Paul Platt parties. Please hold.

Poor kid.

If I had that job, I'd be asking someone

to please hold a gun to my head.

He's probably excited to be working for Paul Platt.

Look at all these magazines

calling him the next Martha Stewart.

Someday, we'll have articles about us.

You know, pictures of you and me

standing outside our country home.

Hold on.

We're rich and still living together?

Okay, she's leaving. This is us.

About time.

Been sitting here so long my ass is asleep,

which kind of goes against my theory that it won't quit.

Hi, Paul's going to be a little longer.

It's fine. It's just...

Paul Platt parties, please hold.

- Paul Platt parties... - How much longer...

- Please hold. - Me or them?

I got the ass pins and needles.

- Max. - What? We're on hold.

Have a seat. Five more minutes.

Paul Platt parties.

The word "party" at a party planner's?

Little obvious.

Like me having art that says "will die alone."

Wait.

I think this is Johnny's art. No way.

"No way" is right. Johnny's a nobody.

Paul Platt wouldn't have a framed "Johnny" in his office.

Look, signed "j. Peg." That's his tag.

Yo, what's the deal with this art?

It's a street artist.

Everyone's getting really into him now.

Oh, yeah?

He was trying to get into me a few months ago.

It was more emotional than that.

He cheated on his girlfriend with her

and then blew her off.

It was really hard for us.

And you thought me slapping my ass

in front of him was inappropriate?

- Wow, Johnny made it. - Well, good for him.

He's making it, we're making it...

We're making it?

I magic-markered over the scuffs on my boot,

and we can't even get past

the poor man's John Cusack over there.

Max, we are making it.

We've come a long way.

We haven't used Starbucks napkins

for toilet paper in months.

And now, look where we are.

We've got a meeting with Paul Platt.

"We're making it."

I'm serious. Say it, Max.

We are making it.

Okay, we're making it.

- Caroline channing. - This is us!

- Ahh. - What, five more minutes?

Monday at 4:00. Something came up.

Oh, okay. Well, Monday at 4:00.

There's no Monday at 4:00.

He said Monday at 4:00. Monday at 4:00, right?

Absolutely. Monday at 4:00.

There is no Monday at 4:00.

I'm confused. Is there a Monday at 4:00?

In the books, Monday at 4:00. Paul can't wait.

There is no Monday at 4:00.

I don't understand. Are we coming in Monday at 4:00?

Absolutely. Paul's a big fan.

Don't come in on Monday.

Can you please tell me what's going on?

See, it's this news about your father being moved

to a cushy white collar prison this week.

Paul can't have anything to do with someone named channing,

'cause everyone in New York is pissed.

Look at all that. It never stops.

How much more of this do I have to take?

So we'll see you on Monday!

Don't come.

I woke my ass up for this?

Mmm. This was delicious, Max.

Here's a $20. Keep the change.

What are you doing, Sophie?

You don't pay for the cupcakes.

No, take it for your business.

Ever since your big party planner meeting went bust,

I was worried that you two girls

might form a joint suicide pact.

Nah, we're not that organized.

So how's Caroline today?

She's handling it all better than I thought.

She's with her father's lawyer right now,

trying to figure out the best time for her

to go out to the prison to see him before he's moved.

Oh, that is my new phone.

You know there's a phone stuck to that gay furby, right?

Yes, this is from my favorite store on 14th street,

rhinestoned.

Oh, it's just a text from my driver.

He's waiting out front.

Why don't you just invite oleg inside?

I'm not sure yet he deserves to come inside.

Well, from what I heard, he's already come inside.

Oh, Max, I love it when you're dirty!

Hey, how'd it go?

Well, according to my father's lawyer,

the prison is surrounded by so much press

that daddy doesn't want me to come out there

and be exploited all over again.

Why is he still the only news story out there?

Well, the good news is,

your hair is especially shiny today.

It is? Thanks, Sophie.

So try not to kill yourself.

Well, if I didn't kill myself reading these in the car,

I won't. Hate mail.

It was being held at my old P.O. box.

My father's lawyer picked it up for me.

Why didn't he just punch you in the face and call it a day?

I know, it's like the end of miracle on 34th street,

only everyone's calling me a bitch.

Oh, come on, not everyone is calling you a bitch.

"Dear bitch, I hate you."

"If I ever see you on the street, I will..."

Shake your hand and wish you well,

as you have been through so very much.

That is not what that says.

It might be.

It's hard to read his actual words,

as they are written in blood.

Oh, look how fancy. This is not hate mail.

No, this is invitation to metropolitan museum annual gala.

It is?

This is my favorite social event in all of New York.

I've gone every year since I was 18.

It's a fashion ball at the museum of art...

Yeah, I know what it is.

- I catered it last year. - Max, how weird.

We were probably right in the very same room.

Then there's a good chance I spit in your drink.

Not really, unless you were acting all prissy and demanding.

There's a good chance you spit in my drink.

Well, see? This is happy news.

No, as much as I want to, I can't go.

Everybody hates me.

And much worse, I have nothing to wear,

and if you're gonna be hated, you better look damn good.

I give up. That invitation finally broke me.

Why are you pulling down your bed?

Because I don't have a door to slam.

Hell, I don't even have a door!

Everything's been taken away, Max...

My fortune, my business career,

my social life, my sweet, sweet horse.

Okay, take a nap. You're upset.

You have a good reason to be.

A good reason?

I say she has 200, 300 good reasons.

I mean, read these.

These are like letters to the devil.

I'm just going to get in there and never get out.

Close it up, Max. Put me in the wall.

No, it's really hard to close it when you're in there.

I've tried.

Look, I know it's not even remotely close

to what you had before,

but we do have our cupcake business

and our purple stove, and we do have $922.

And we're gonna make it.

Wall me.

Come on, all you need is a big, glamorous party.

I mean, look at all the celebrities

Martha Stewart,

Justin Timberlake...

Ooh, Hugh Jackman!

Oh, I like to call him "huge" Jackman,

because I bet he has a big penis.

Wall me.

Thank you, sir.

Welcome home, buddy.

As you can see, we haven't put the pool in yet.

We'll get to it.

Tree, grill, shovel... Usual cast of characters.

Now, I am going to take you in to her,

but I should warn you.

She hasn't been out of bed for two days,

and that means no tooth brushing and it's bad up in there.

I'm pretty sure horses have a keen sense of smell,

so just be prepared.

I missed you, too.

Max, I'm trying to sleep. Take your boots off.

Caroline, I have something for you.

Go away. I'm dead.

Jeez, and you said my breath was bad.

You have a visitor, someone you love.

Chestnut! Chestnut, hi, baby, hi.

How did he get here?

I went to peach and told her

it was a matter of life and death

and we had to have him back.

And what, she just gave him back to you?

Well, I did have to agree to come back and babysit

one day a week for the rest of my life,

but hell, Chestnut's home.

Max, thank you so much. You brought me back to life.

Oh, my God, don't exhale on me.

Your breath is like you went down on a brussels sprout.

Tip your head that way.

Chestnut, Chestnut.

Don't breathe on him either!

His whole head is a nose. He can't handle that.

Chestnut's home.

Hey, Earl. Long time, no see.

Well, well, well, Johnny.

If it isn't the famous street artist.

Well, I'm hardly famous.

You got that right.

My remark was laced with sarcasm.

Can you tell Max I'm here?

That depends. Are you still a two-timing bum?

That's his name, don't wear it out.

Hiya, slugger.

Can you do me a favor and call Earl off?

I may be on day six of my p90x,

but I'm in no shape to take on a heavyweight like him.

It's okay, Earl, we're cool.

Well, I am. He's just riding my fumes.

So, uh, where's your section?

- Counter. - Hm, same ol', same ol'.

Johnny's in the diner.

Why is he here? It can't be to eat.

He's "made it." He eats "made it food" now.

Well, obviously, he's here to see you.

Or else he won the award for biggest lying jerk in New York,

and this is the first stop on his press tour.

Well, I don't know why he's here,

but you better come with me.

He looks really good, so I'm not listening

to a thing coming out of his pretty mouth.

Well, I was gonna ask what the specials were,

but you know what? Can I actually just get

one of Max's homemade cupcakes?

- Okay, which flavor? - Surprise me.

Kind of like how you surprised her with your girlfriend?

Okay, I'm starting to get a vibe here,

and that's why I came in, because I feel bad,

the way things went down between us,

and I came to say good-bye because I'm moving.

Oh, moving. To where?

- Manhattan. - Manhattan?

That hardly calls for a good-bye speech.

It's over there.

Yeah, I know, but it's a big change for me,

and we're not going to be rolling

in the same circles anymore,

and I'm getting married... Over there.

Well, at least you and your girlfriend worked it out.

Actually, we broke up.

This is someone I met a couple months ago.

I was only watching his lips,

but did they just say what I think they said?

Well, there's your cupcake. That'll be $5.

The price has gone up. Yeah, we're successful now.

In fact, we may be working with Martha Stewart.

Caroline knows her from, you know, before.

We're gonna talk it over with her

at the met gala ball that Caroline got invited to.

Martha's on the committee. Caroline goes every year.

Not a big deal.

My first time. Not a big deal either.

In fact, none of it's a big deal,

just two girls who are making it

but who choose to stay in Brooklyn 'cause we're cool.

That's awesome, Max. That's awesome.

It's just funny, because whenever I think of you,

I think of you in this diner in that uniform.

In a good way.

You want money now?

Yeah. It's business.

It's not like we had a relationship or anything.

In fact, you can pay Caroline.

She's the money. I'm the artist.

You know, I'm doing pretty well as an artist myself.

I've been selling a lot of my stuff.

Really? We hadn't heard.

And there's your cupcake.

In case you didn't notice, that container's to go.

Got it.

He's gone. I got rid of him.

Max?

What are you doing?

Punching cheesecakes.

It's my version of going to bed for two days.

Are you more upset about the marriage thing

or the uniform thing?

Oh, this isn't about Johnny. I'm mad at the cheesecakes.

They were supposed to have cherries on top,

and I wanted cherries!

Why not me?

Okay, maybe it's half no cherries, half Johnny.

Nothing ever does work out for us.

And then I hear myself saying all that ridiculous stuff

about us talking to Martha Stewart at the gala.

I mean, what was that? It's insane.

Is it?

Wait, seriously, is it?

Or is it just insane enough to be genius?

Max, we have the invitation. She'll be there.

Why are we wasting our time with Paul Platt

when we can meet the real thing?

We can take Martha our best cupcake,

explain our situation,

and maybe... Maybe she'll talk to us.

I mean, she was a girl with a dream once, too,

and she certainly understands hard times.

You are talking about us stalking Martha Stewart.

I am talking about us stalking Martha Stewart!

I even have my gorgeous Judith leiber jeweled cupcake purse

to smuggle the cupcake in. It's perfect.

I knew there was a reason I took that from the townhouse.

Great, you have a cupcake and a cupcake purse.

What else are we gonna wear to the ball, cinderella?

Are the rats in the alley gonna whip us up some ball gowns?

I mean, it's not exactly like we have a fairy godmother.

Hey, look, girls!

I got myself a crown and a wand at rhinestoned.

I'll have the soup in my booth.

Well, this is as close to a fairytale

as you and I are ever gonna get, so what the hell?

Max, does that mean we're gonna find

a way to go to the ball?

Oh, yeah. Get your cupcake on,

'cause we're gonna get balled.