All language subtitles for 2.Broke.Girls.S01E23.And.Martha.Stewart.Have.a.Ball.(Part.1.).1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.DD5.1.h-264-BTN.eng.mkv

Wow! Bummer, dude.

You have a time machine?

And somehow, it got programmed
to this crap diner?

I must admit, I am
quite taken with steampunk.

Oh, steampunk, right.
I remember that trend.

It happened for,
like, ten seconds

back in 2000
and-are-you-kidding-me?

Dude, seriously,
you're sitting

in a public place
tap-tap-tapping

on an oldie typewriter?

What are you?

In the league of extraordinarily
pretentious gentlemen?

Aren't you being
a little aggressive?

Yup.

That's how people are
here in the present

where we live.

But don't get me wrong.

I'd like to go
back in time, too.

Maybe stop 9/11 or that creep
who had sex on my shoe,

but I can't.

Present?
Where's that uniform from?

Like, 1998?

Oh, stop,
or I'm going to have

to shoot you
with a Smith & Wesson

I'm currently packing
in my bloomers.

I'll go get thee a menu,
my good man.

attention, everyone.

Max and I have a little
late-night treat for you.

Don't say it
all excited like that.

Now when it's not drugs,
Earl's going to be pissed.

You are invited
to a very important taste-test

of Max's homemade cupcakes.

Okay,
but I will have only one.

When I get a tummy,
single ladies call me Buddha

and rub me for luck.

I gotta watch out, too.

Last time I had Max's
chocolate espresso cupcake

before going home,

I was awake
till 5:00 A.M.,

hand washing all my thongs.

doesn't mean there's
not swing in the sling.

Oh, Caroline, darling.
Can you go back over there?

I forgot my racing form.

Oh, horse racing?
It reminds me of Chestnut.

Max... Chestnut.

What's with the sad face?

Your horse is living it up
at a fancy stable nearby.

Not gone to the great stud farm
in the sky.

Did someone say
"stud farm"?

My fee is $10 a quart or $15
if you want a boy.

Wow.

You bounced back from your
Sophie breakup pretty quick.

It was not
a real breakup.

I will have her
very soon again.

Right now, I lay low
and wait in bushes

like determined jungle cat.

Or a rapist.

Racing forms,
here you go.

Earl,
maybe some time

you will take me out
to the track with you.

I used to ride horses
all the time in Korea.

The mechanical ones
for a quarter

in front of
supermarkets?

Actually, Max,
I'm a very good rider.

In fact, I was training
to be a jockey

but was too short.

Too short
to be a jockey?

That's a hard hit,
my man.

Han, I had no idea
you loved horses, too.

Why didn't you
ever say anything?

Well, why didn't you ever ask
about any of my interests?

I'll tell you why.

Because all you ever talk about
is "our cupcake business,"

our cupcake business."

Doesn't your cd
have other tracks?

Anyway,
our cupcake business

has a very important
meeting tomorrow

with Paul Platt,
the party planner.

I know
a party planner, too.

He sells J .Lo.
and Salma Hayek Pinatas

off back of truck
for Cinco de Mayo.

Awesome.
Put me down for a Hayek.

More storage space
for candy.

Well, our party planner
is the it guy in Manhattan.

And tomorrow,
Max and I are doing

a tasting for him
at his office.

How can someone be too short
to be a jockey?

Isn't that
the whole point?

Are you all right, Max?

I got here
as fast as I could.

Caroline texted me
to hurry over

because you didn't know
you were pregnant,

and you were giving
birth over toilet.

So I grabbed
my plunger and ran!

That is insane.
I never texted that.

No, I did,
when I stole your phone.

I needed a reason
to get Sophie over here.

I can't believe
she believed it.

Oh, come on, Max.
Giving birth over toilet?

That is very you.

Now that you are here,
Sophie, sit.

I want to tell you
something important.

Well, you can forget that.

There's no way
I'm going to stay.

A cupcake party?

Oh, look, and this one
even has a pretzel in it.

Yup, that's
our "salty n' spice"

for our more
adventurous customers.

Also for
the uptight white people,

we have
the very, very vanilla

which is... big surprise...
My favorite.

And this is our beer-batter
maple bacon

spring break cupcake.

That's for stoners,
and big surprise, my favorite.

Well, I have
some big news

I want to share with you
all as well.

Sophie, that classy lady
right over there...

Mm, I like this one.

She recently
broke it off with me

because she wanted
to be with a man

who had a dream
and a drive.

So I have bought
a drive...

A Lincoln town car.

Yes, I have a new car service
and slogan:

"Lie back and I will ride you
till you tell me to stop."

So, oleg, you now have
a town car business?

And Sophie,
you rent town cars all the time.

Oh, oh, please.

I mean, I love pizza, too,
but that doesn't mean

I have to marry papa John.

I was just thinking,
you might want to come out back

and take a look at the light-up
makeup mirror on visors.

Light-up makeup mirror?

Oh, I might be interested.

But not just you and I.

Han will come as well.

Finally! Han is getting
invited to something.

Other than LinkedIn.

- So much for the taste test.
- It's fine.

I know what's best
for our cupcake business.

I do say that a lot,

but I think
it's kind of charming.

I'll go get our coats.

Mm, mm, mm.
Look at you.

I must say, I'm impressed
with how far you've come.

Well, you burn
a few thousand cupcakes,

you're bound
to get better.

Not just the cupcakes, Max.

Look how far you've come.

When I think of that girl
who came in here

just looking to get by...

Hey, and check you out now.

Big, fancy meeting in Manhattan.
Lordy lord!

- It's only a meeting, Earl.
- Maybe.

But if you were
one of these horses,

I'd put all
of my money on you, Max.

Paul Platt parties.
Please hold.

Paul Platt parties.
Please hold.

Poor kid.

If I had that job,
I'd be asking someone

to please hold a gun
to my head.

He's probably excited
to be working for Paul Platt.

Look at
all these magazines

calling him
the next Martha Stewart.

Someday, we'll have
articles about us.

You know,
pictures of you and me

standing outside
our country home.

Hold on.

We're rich and still
living together?

Okay, she's leaving.
This is us.

About time.

Been sitting here so long
my ass is asleep,

which kind of goes against
my theory that it won't quit.

Hi, Paul's going to be
a little longer.

It's fine.
It's just...

Paul Platt parties,
please hold.

- Paul Platt parties...
- How much longer...

- Please hold.
- Me or them?

I got the ass
pins and needles.

- Max.
- What? We're on hold.

Have a seat.
Five more minutes.

Paul Platt parties.

The word "party"
at a party planner's?

Little obvious.

Like me having art that says
"will die alone."

Wait.

I think this is Johnny's art.
No way.

"No way" is right.
Johnny's a nobody.

Paul Platt wouldn't have
a framed "Johnny" in his office.

Look, signed "j. Peg."
That's his tag.

Yo, what's the deal
with this art?

It's a street artist.

Everyone's getting
really into him now.

Oh, yeah?

He was trying to get into me
a few months ago.

It was more emotional
than that.

He cheated on
his girlfriend with her

and then blew her off.

It was really hard
for us.

And you thought
me slapping my ass

in front of him
was inappropriate?

- Wow, Johnny made it.
- Well, good for him.

He's making it,
we're making it...

We're making it?

I magic-markered
over the scuffs on my boot,

and we can't
even get past

the poor man's John Cusack
over there.

Max, we are making it.

We've come a long way.

We haven't used
Starbucks napkins

for toilet paper
in months.

And now,
look where we are.

We've got a meeting
with Paul Platt.

"We're making it."

I'm serious.
Say it, Max.

We are making it.

Okay, we're making it.

- Caroline channing.
- This is us!

- Ahh.
- What, five more minutes?

Monday at 4:00.
Something came up.

Oh, okay.
Well, Monday at 4:00.

There's no Monday at 4:00.

He said Monday at 4:00.
Monday at 4:00, right?

Absolutely.
Monday at 4:00.

There is no Monday at 4:00.

I'm confused.
Is there a Monday at 4:00?

In the books, Monday at 4:00.
Paul can't wait.

There is
no Monday at 4:00.

I don't understand.
Are we coming in Monday at 4:00?

Absolutely.
Paul's a big fan.

Don't come in on Monday.

Can you please tell me
what's going on?

See, it's this news
about your father being moved

to a cushy white collar
prison this week.

Paul can't have anything to do
with someone named channing,

'cause everyone
in New York is pissed.

Look at all that.
It never stops.

How much more of this
do I have to take?

So we'll see you
on Monday!

Don't come.

I woke my ass up
for this?

Mmm.
This was delicious, Max.

Here's a $20.
Keep the change.

What are you doing,
Sophie?

You don't pay
for the cupcakes.

No, take it
for your business.

Ever since your big
party planner meeting went bust,

I was worried
that you two girls

might form
a joint suicide pact.

Nah, we're
not that organized.

So how's Caroline today?

She's handling it all
better than I thought.

She's with her father's
lawyer right now,

trying to figure out
the best time for her

to go out to the prison
to see him before he's moved.

Oh, that is my new phone.

You know there's a phone
stuck to that gay furby, right?

Yes, this is from my
favorite store on 14th street,

rhinestoned.

Oh, it's just a text
from my driver.

He's waiting out front.

Why don't you
just invite oleg inside?

I'm not sure yet
he deserves to come inside.

Well, from what I heard,
he's already come inside.

Oh, Max, I love it
when you're dirty!

Hey, how'd it go?

Well, according
to my father's lawyer,

the prison is surrounded
by so much press

that daddy doesn't want me
to come out there

and be exploited
all over again.

Why is he still
the only news story out there?

Well, the good news is,

your hair
is especially shiny today.

It is?
Thanks, Sophie.

So try not
to kill yourself.

Well, if I didn't kill myself
reading these in the car,

I won't.
Hate mail.

It was being held
at my old P.O. box.

My father's lawyer
picked it up for me.

Why didn't he just punch you
in the face and call it a day?

I know, it's like the end of
miracle on 34th street,

only everyone's
calling me a bitch.

Oh, come on, not everyone
is calling you a bitch.

"Dear bitch,
I hate you."

"If I ever see you
on the street, I will..."

Shake your hand
and wish you well,

as you have been through
so very much.

That is not
what that says.

It might be.

It's hard to read
his actual words,

as they are
written in blood.

Oh, look how fancy.
This is not hate mail.

No, this is invitation to
metropolitan museum annual gala.

It is?

This is my favorite social event
in all of New York.

I've gone every year
since I was 18.

It's a fashion ball
at the museum of art...

Yeah, I know
what it is.

- I catered it last year.
- Max, how weird.

We were probably
right in the very same room.

Then there's a good chance
I spit in your drink.

Not really, unless you were
acting all prissy and demanding.

There's a good chance
you spit in my drink.

Well, see?
This is happy news.

No, as much as I want to,
I can't go.

Everybody hates me.

And much worse,
I have nothing to wear,

and if you're gonna be hated,
you better look damn good.

I give up. That invitation
finally broke me.

Why are you
pulling down your bed?

Because I don't have
a door to slam.

Hell, I don't even
have a door!

Everything's
been taken away, Max...

My fortune,
my business career,

my social life,
my sweet, sweet horse.

Okay, take a nap.
You're upset.

You have
a good reason to be.

A good reason?

I say she has
200, 300 good reasons.

I mean, read these.

These are like
letters to the devil.

I'm just going to get in there
and never get out.

Close it up, Max.
Put me in the wall.

No, it's really hard to
close it when you're in there.

I've tried.

Look, I know
it's not even remotely close

to what you had before,

but we do have
our cupcake business

and our purple stove,
and we do have $922.

And we're gonna make it.

Wall me.

Come on, all you need
is a big, glamorous party.

I mean, look at
all the celebrities

Martha Stewart,

Justin Timberlake...

Ooh, Hugh Jackman!

Oh, I like to call him
"huge" Jackman,

because I bet
he has a big penis.

Wall me.

Thank you, sir.

Welcome home, buddy.

As you can see,
we haven't put the pool in yet.

We'll get to it.

Tree, grill, shovel...
Usual cast of characters.

Now, I am going
to take you in to her,

but I should warn you.

She hasn't been
out of bed for two days,

and that means no tooth brushing
and it's bad up in there.

I'm pretty sure horses
have a keen sense of smell,

so just be prepared.

I missed you, too.

Max, I'm trying to sleep.
Take your boots off.

Caroline,
I have something for you.

Go away.
I'm dead.

Jeez, and you said
my breath was bad.

You have a visitor,
someone you love.

Chestnut!
Chestnut, hi, baby, hi.

How did he get here?

I went to peach
and told her

it was a matter
of life and death

and we had
to have him back.

And what,
she just gave him back to you?

Well, I did have to agree
to come back and babysit

one day a week
for the rest of my life,

but hell, Chestnut's home.

Max, thank you so much.
You brought me back to life.

Oh, my God,
don't exhale on me.

Your breath is like you
went down on a brussels sprout.

Tip your head that way.

Chestnut, Chestnut.

Don't breathe
on him either!

His whole head is a nose.
He can't handle that.

Chestnut's home.

Hey, Earl.
Long time, no see.

Well, well, well,
Johnny.

If it isn't
the famous street artist.

Well, I'm hardly famous.

You got that right.

My remark was
laced with sarcasm.

Can you tell Max
I'm here?

That depends.
Are you still a two-timing bum?

That's his name,
don't wear it out.

Hiya, slugger.

Can you do me a favor
and call Earl off?

I may be on day six
of my p90x,

but I'm in no shape to take on
a heavyweight like him.

It's okay, Earl, we're cool.

Well, I am.
He's just riding my fumes.

So, uh,
where's your section?

- Counter.
- Hm, same ol', same ol'.

Johnny's in the diner.

Why is he here?
It can't be to eat.

He's "made it."
He eats "made it food" now.

Well, obviously,
he's here to see you.

Or else he won the award for
biggest lying jerk in New York,

and this is the first stop
on his press tour.

Well, I don't know
why he's here,

but you better
come with me.

He looks really good,
so I'm not listening

to a thing coming out of
his pretty mouth.

Well, I was gonna
ask what the specials were,

but you know what?
Can I actually just get

one of Max's
homemade cupcakes?

- Okay, which flavor?
- Surprise me.

Kind of like how you surprised
her with your girlfriend?

Okay, I'm starting
to get a vibe here,

and that's why I came in,
because I feel bad,

the way things
went down between us,

and I came to say good-bye
because I'm moving.

Oh, moving.
To where?

- Manhattan.
- Manhattan?

That hardly calls
for a good-bye speech.

It's over there.

Yeah, I know,
but it's a big change for me,

and we're not going
to be rolling

in the same circles
anymore,

and I'm getting married...
Over there.

Well, at least you and
your girlfriend worked it out.

Actually, we broke up.

This is someone
I met a couple months ago.

I was only
watching his lips,

but did they just say
what I think they said?

Well, there's your cupcake.
That'll be $5.

The price has gone up.
Yeah, we're successful now.

In fact, we may be working
with Martha Stewart.

Caroline knows her
from, you know, before.

We're gonna talk it over
with her

at the met gala ball
that Caroline got invited to.

Martha's on the committee.
Caroline goes every year.

Not a big deal.

My first time.
Not a big deal either.

In fact, none of it's
a big deal,

just two girls
who are making it

but who choose to stay
in Brooklyn 'cause we're cool.

That's awesome, Max.
That's awesome.

It's just funny,
because whenever I think of you,

I think of you in this diner
in that uniform.

In a good way.

You want money now?

Yeah.
It's business.

It's not like we had
a relationship or anything.

In fact,
you can pay Caroline.

She's the money.
I'm the artist.

You know, I'm doing pretty
well as an artist myself.

I've been selling
a lot of my stuff.

Really?
We hadn't heard.

And there's your cupcake.

In case you didn't notice,
that container's to go.

Got it.

He's gone.
I got rid of him.

Max?

What are you doing?

Punching cheesecakes.

It's my version
of going to bed for two days.

Are you more upset
about the marriage thing

or the uniform thing?

Oh, this isn't about Johnny.
I'm mad at the cheesecakes.

They were supposed
to have cherries on top,

and I wanted cherries!

Why not me?

Okay, maybe it's half
no cherries, half Johnny.

Nothing ever
does work out for us.

And then I hear myself saying
all that ridiculous stuff

about us talking
to Martha Stewart at the gala.

I mean, what was that?
It's insane.

Is it?

Wait, seriously, is it?

Or is it just insane enough
to be genius?

Max, we have the invitation.
She'll be there.

Why are we wasting our time
with Paul Platt

when we can
meet the real thing?

We can take Martha
our best cupcake,

explain our situation,

and maybe...
Maybe she'll talk to us.

I mean, she was a girl
with a dream once, too,

and she certainly
understands hard times.

You are talking about us
stalking Martha Stewart.

I am talking about us
stalking Martha Stewart!

I even have my gorgeous Judith
leiber jeweled cupcake purse

to smuggle the cupcake in.
It's perfect.

I knew there was a reason
I took that from the townhouse.

Great, you have a cupcake
and a cupcake purse.

What else are we gonna
wear to the ball, cinderella?

Are the rats in the alley gonna
whip us up some ball gowns?

I mean, it's not exactly
like we have a fairy godmother.

Hey, look, girls!

I got myself a crown
and a wand at rhinestoned.

I'll have the soup
in my booth.

Well, this is as close
to a fairytale

as you and I are ever gonna get,
so what the hell?

Max, does that mean
we're gonna find

a way to go to the ball?

Oh, yeah.
Get your cupcake on,

'cause we're gonna
get balled.