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1
00:00:03,268 --> 00:00:04,986
Max.
Do you have any gum?
2
00:00:04,988 --> 00:00:08,072
My breath tastes
like someone else's breath.
3
00:00:08,074 --> 00:00:10,774
You're asking me
if I have any gum?
4
00:00:10,776 --> 00:00:14,295
That's like asking New Jersey
if it has any sluts.
5
00:00:14,297 --> 00:00:16,664
Great. There were onions
in my street meat.
6
00:00:16,666 --> 00:00:19,133
Listen to me.
"Onions in my street meat."
7
00:00:19,135 --> 00:00:22,119
Last year, I was taking meetings
on wall street.
8
00:00:22,121 --> 00:00:26,390
This year, I'm eating meat
from the street by a wall.
9
00:00:26,392 --> 00:00:30,961
Let's see.
Phone, chapstick.
10
00:00:30,963 --> 00:00:34,131
A pill! Could be birth control,
could be ecstasy.
11
00:00:34,133 --> 00:00:37,134
Waiting for a day off
to find out.
12
00:00:37,136 --> 00:00:40,271
Why wait?
13
00:00:40,273 --> 00:00:42,473
If I start touching your hair
in an hour,
14
00:00:42,475 --> 00:00:46,027
don't let me have sex
with anyone.
15
00:00:46,912 --> 00:00:49,146
Max!
16
00:00:49,148 --> 00:00:50,498
Max, what's this?
17
00:00:50,500 --> 00:00:52,500
It's addressed
to Max's homemade cupcakes.
18
00:00:52,502 --> 00:00:53,834
Really? I thought
that was just a thing
19
00:00:53,836 --> 00:00:56,320
I wrote
the new pizza place info on.
20
00:00:56,322 --> 00:00:59,673
It's a $200 check
from that office party we did.
21
00:00:59,675 --> 00:01:02,760
Max's homemade cupcakes
in type!
22
00:01:02,762 --> 00:01:05,162
No way, I've never been
typed out before!
23
00:01:05,164 --> 00:01:08,299
I've been cash, I've sweaty 20s
pushed into my palm,
24
00:01:08,301 --> 00:01:10,718
but I've never been typed!
25
00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:12,669
We's all grown up!
We's legit!
26
00:01:12,671 --> 00:01:16,974
Listen up, diner!
I just hit the big time.
27
00:01:16,976 --> 00:01:19,193
No more serving up slop
to you lowlifes.
28
00:01:19,195 --> 00:01:23,347
So everybody can suck it!
My waitress days are over.
29
00:01:23,349 --> 00:01:24,698
Can I get some more coffee?
30
00:01:24,700 --> 00:01:27,017
Sure.
31
00:01:40,378 --> 00:01:42,162
Earl, what are you doing?
32
00:01:42,164 --> 00:01:44,882
Employees are not allowed
to drink diner liquor.
33
00:01:44,884 --> 00:01:46,833
Now, hold up, Han.
It's April 16th.
34
00:01:46,835 --> 00:01:49,053
Do you know what day
tomorrow is?
35
00:01:49,055 --> 00:01:53,607
Oh, of course.
Happy Martin Luther King day.
36
00:01:53,609 --> 00:01:55,509
Enjoy a drink on me.
37
00:01:55,511 --> 00:01:57,194
It's not
Martin Luther King day.
38
00:01:57,196 --> 00:01:58,445
Black people are allowed
39
00:01:58,447 --> 00:02:00,731
to be excited about
other days too, you know.
40
00:02:09,692 --> 00:02:11,241
It's tax day.
41
00:02:11,243 --> 00:02:14,528
And I always treat myself
to a Brandy when I do my taxes
42
00:02:14,530 --> 00:02:17,631
because I need to be drunk
when I see that refund amount.
43
00:02:19,719 --> 00:02:22,536
Chicken breast,
side of hot sauce.
44
00:02:22,538 --> 00:02:25,139
Breast? Hot sauce?
Come on, it's right there.
45
00:02:25,141 --> 00:02:28,092
Max, now that I have
big love for Sophie,
46
00:02:28,094 --> 00:02:31,929
I no longer say inappropriate
sexual things to other women.
47
00:02:31,931 --> 00:02:36,233
I save all my hot sauce
for her breasts.
48
00:02:36,235 --> 00:02:39,687
Love has made you
a real old lady.
49
00:02:39,689 --> 00:02:41,772
Here you go, Brandy man.
Enjoy.
50
00:02:41,774 --> 00:02:43,240
Max, you got a stamp?
51
00:02:43,242 --> 00:02:44,992
I wanna drop this off
in the mail on my way home.
52
00:02:44,994 --> 00:02:46,110
I have one in my purse.
I'll just get it.
53
00:02:46,112 --> 00:02:48,329
Max, he wants to file
this year.
54
00:02:48,331 --> 00:02:49,747
He doesn't have time
for the search party
55
00:02:49,749 --> 00:02:52,232
to go into your purse
and return.
56
00:02:52,234 --> 00:02:54,401
Hey, it's a purse.
It's supposed to be messy.
57
00:02:54,403 --> 00:02:56,403
No, it's supposed
to be a purse,
58
00:02:56,405 --> 00:02:58,672
not a retirement home
for a pair of panties
59
00:02:58,674 --> 00:03:01,875
stuck to old lifesavers.
60
00:03:01,877 --> 00:03:05,763
I'm kinda off my meal now.
61
00:03:05,765 --> 00:03:08,432
I have a stamp
right here, Earl.
62
00:03:08,434 --> 00:03:11,352
There, see?
Order versus chaos.
63
00:03:11,354 --> 00:03:14,555
Also known as OCD versus
64
00:03:14,557 --> 00:03:18,892
"Oh, here's a CD
I forgot I had."
65
00:03:18,894 --> 00:03:21,812
Would you prefer a flower,
flag, or a love stamp?
66
00:03:21,814 --> 00:03:24,231
Ladies, I don't care which,
I just wanna get these taxes
67
00:03:24,233 --> 00:03:25,699
in the mail
before the deadline.
68
00:03:25,701 --> 00:03:28,769
- Earl, you do your own taxes?
- I surely do.
69
00:03:28,771 --> 00:03:31,622
Proud to say I haven't
missed a year since 1950
70
00:03:31,624 --> 00:03:35,659
when I had my first job
as Frank Sinatra's ball boy.
71
00:03:35,661 --> 00:03:38,278
Ball boy?
Was he a good tennis player?
72
00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:40,330
No, darling,
he didn't play tennis.
73
00:03:40,332 --> 00:03:44,618
The job was washing his balls.
74
00:03:44,620 --> 00:03:48,222
And that was good work
for those times.
75
00:03:48,224 --> 00:03:49,590
Do you mind
if I look over your 1040
76
00:03:49,592 --> 00:03:51,458
to see if I can increase
your return?
77
00:03:51,460 --> 00:03:55,128
Do you, Wharton, do you.
78
00:03:55,130 --> 00:03:57,481
Well, at first glance,
I see you short-changed yourself
79
00:03:57,483 --> 00:03:58,899
on some deductions.
80
00:03:58,901 --> 00:04:00,401
There's 500 right there.
81
00:04:00,403 --> 00:04:02,803
Why don't you sign this now,
and I'll save you what I can
82
00:04:02,805 --> 00:04:04,772
and then drop it in the mail
tomorrow?
83
00:04:04,774 --> 00:04:06,273
Max, look at this.
84
00:04:06,275 --> 00:04:09,359
Blonde ambition here
just saved me $500.
85
00:04:09,361 --> 00:04:10,977
Really? That's pretty cool.
86
00:04:10,979 --> 00:04:12,646
Oh! There's another 100.
87
00:04:12,648 --> 00:04:15,365
- No way, that's awesome.
- Ding, ding, ding.
88
00:04:15,367 --> 00:04:16,917
It's like I won the slots
without being surrounded
89
00:04:16,919 --> 00:04:21,038
by those pissed off ladies
with emphysema.
90
00:04:22,373 --> 00:04:23,657
How could you not know
91
00:04:23,659 --> 00:04:25,092
there was a cupcake check
in your purse?
92
00:04:25,094 --> 00:04:26,293
It just got mixed in.
93
00:04:26,295 --> 00:04:28,095
And anyway, who still sends
important stuff
94
00:04:28,097 --> 00:04:29,596
through the mail these days?
95
00:04:29,598 --> 00:04:31,799
What are we, pioneers?
96
00:04:31,801 --> 00:04:33,267
No, we're businesswomen,
97
00:04:33,269 --> 00:04:35,102
and we need to keep track
of every penny.
98
00:04:35,104 --> 00:04:37,638
Hey, should we frame it
and hang it on the wall?
99
00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:39,523
That way when we're
two billionaire bitches
100
00:04:39,525 --> 00:04:40,724
who hate each other's guts,
101
00:04:40,726 --> 00:04:43,594
we can look at the check
and remember.
102
00:04:43,596 --> 00:04:46,029
Max, I'll never hate your guts.
103
00:04:46,031 --> 00:04:47,448
You don't know.
104
00:04:47,450 --> 00:04:48,682
Business pressure,
105
00:04:48,684 --> 00:04:50,451
you caught me sleeping
with your husband,
106
00:04:50,453 --> 00:04:52,152
anger about your bad facelift.
107
00:04:52,154 --> 00:04:54,872
Oh, honey, I will never
have a bad facelift.
108
00:04:54,874 --> 00:04:57,357
I've been collecting names
of good doctors since I was 11,
109
00:04:57,359 --> 00:04:59,626
and I was terrified
by my piano teacher
110
00:04:59,628 --> 00:05:02,996
whose nose was suddenly here.
111
00:05:02,998 --> 00:05:05,749
That's pretty cool of you
to do Earl's taxes for him.
112
00:05:05,751 --> 00:05:06,967
I'm happy to.
113
00:05:06,969 --> 00:05:09,052
After all, finance is my field
of expertise.
114
00:05:09,054 --> 00:05:12,372
Yeah, pretty cool.
You know, all that stuff.
115
00:05:12,374 --> 00:05:15,592
Helpful hints and whatnot.
116
00:05:15,594 --> 00:05:17,144
Cripes! What more
do I have to do,
117
00:05:17,146 --> 00:05:21,064
Rouge my boobs and stand in a
storefront window in Amsterdam?
118
00:05:21,066 --> 00:05:22,816
Are you gonna help me
with my taxes or not?
119
00:05:22,818 --> 00:05:25,402
Max, I don't know
if it's a good idea.
120
00:05:25,404 --> 00:05:27,855
I've seen your purse.
I can only imagine your taxes.
121
00:05:27,857 --> 00:05:31,108
Can you let go of the purse?
It's just a messy bag.
122
00:05:31,110 --> 00:05:33,727
It's not like I lost your child
in the outback.
123
00:05:33,729 --> 00:05:36,229
It's symptomatic.
Here, look at my purse.
124
00:05:36,231 --> 00:05:38,115
You know what, never mind.
125
00:05:38,117 --> 00:05:40,284
It's too late
for a purse smackdown.
126
00:05:40,286 --> 00:05:42,286
But for the record,
even if you win now,
127
00:05:42,288 --> 00:05:44,838
my purse will kick
your purse's ass.
128
00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:49,376
Later, after it spent two weeks
learning your purse's schedule.
129
00:05:49,378 --> 00:05:53,013
Organized, clean, perfect.
Look.
130
00:05:53,015 --> 00:05:54,381
Just look at it.
131
00:05:54,383 --> 00:05:56,016
Look at it, Max.
It won't bite.
132
00:05:56,018 --> 00:05:59,403
Who are you,
my mother's third boyfriend?
133
00:06:00,438 --> 00:06:03,089
And truthfully,
before I saw that check,
134
00:06:03,091 --> 00:06:04,691
I wasn't even going to file.
135
00:06:04,693 --> 00:06:06,026
But now that our business
is getting real,
136
00:06:06,028 --> 00:06:08,762
maybe I should start getting
real about my finances.
137
00:06:08,764 --> 00:06:11,031
I mean, when we are
two billionaire bitches,
138
00:06:11,033 --> 00:06:12,816
I don't want the government
to swoop in
139
00:06:12,818 --> 00:06:14,985
and Wesley snipe us
for back taxes.
140
00:06:14,987 --> 00:06:17,538
Okay, great.
We'll do it tomorrow.
141
00:06:17,540 --> 00:06:20,273
And I promise, no more
purse slams starting now.
142
00:06:21,377 --> 00:06:22,743
Who is that?
143
00:06:22,745 --> 00:06:27,381
CNN. They found a 34th Chilean
miner in your purse.
144
00:06:27,383 --> 00:06:32,085
Okay, okay!
Starting now.
145
00:06:32,087 --> 00:06:36,640
- Who is it?
- Kim Kardashian.
146
00:06:37,559 --> 00:06:40,894
No.
I'm not Kim Kardashian.
147
00:06:40,896 --> 00:06:44,431
No, I work for a living.
148
00:06:49,905 --> 00:06:52,739
Hey, Sophie, you come down
for your cupcake nightcap?
149
00:06:52,741 --> 00:06:54,441
Yeah, thank you, Max.
150
00:06:54,443 --> 00:06:56,526
But tonight
I'm going to take two.
151
00:06:56,528 --> 00:06:57,945
'Cause I'm getting
ready to date
152
00:06:57,947 --> 00:07:01,448
and I wanna get back
to my fighting weight.
153
00:07:01,450 --> 00:07:02,699
Sophie, what do you mean
154
00:07:02,701 --> 00:07:04,451
you're getting ready
to date again?
155
00:07:04,453 --> 00:07:06,703
Oh, well, there's
some really cute new guys
156
00:07:06,705 --> 00:07:08,121
down at the Polish club.
157
00:07:08,123 --> 00:07:10,457
And--oh, my gosh,
one in particular
158
00:07:10,459 --> 00:07:15,345
is like a cross between
Vin Diesel and Viggo Mortensen.
159
00:07:15,347 --> 00:07:17,381
Yeah, so rich and handsome
160
00:07:17,383 --> 00:07:20,517
you almost don't notice
the wheelchair.
161
00:07:20,519 --> 00:07:24,170
Hard to resist a man in
New York who's got his own ride.
162
00:07:24,172 --> 00:07:26,006
I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry.
163
00:07:26,008 --> 00:07:28,358
Oh, then don't.
164
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:30,527
It's just what about
you and Oleg?
165
00:07:30,529 --> 00:07:33,280
He thinks you two are a couple.
166
00:07:33,282 --> 00:07:35,565
A couple?
167
00:07:35,567 --> 00:07:38,685
No, this is crazy talk.
168
00:07:38,687 --> 00:07:40,737
I mean, yes, we have had
some hot, dirty sex
169
00:07:40,739 --> 00:07:43,206
in a few kitchens
and toilets, and...
170
00:07:43,208 --> 00:07:46,026
On the floor of a sandwich
shop in the subway.
171
00:07:46,028 --> 00:07:49,630
Plus twice we did it like dogs
on the hallway stairs
172
00:07:49,632 --> 00:07:52,082
and on every smooth surface
in my apartment.
173
00:07:52,084 --> 00:07:54,084
But I mean, come on.
I mean, that's it.
174
00:07:54,086 --> 00:07:56,136
I'm a lady.
175
00:07:56,138 --> 00:08:00,140
Sophie, I can't believe
I'm about to say this,
176
00:08:00,142 --> 00:08:02,309
but for Oleg,
it's not just about sex.
177
00:08:02,311 --> 00:08:03,844
He feels things for you.
178
00:08:03,846 --> 00:08:06,229
I know for a fact
he's buying you a special gift.
179
00:08:06,231 --> 00:08:07,764
Tell her, Max.
180
00:08:07,766 --> 00:08:09,483
Well, he mentioned
something about a fur,
181
00:08:09,485 --> 00:08:11,184
and tonight
when he was talking about you
182
00:08:11,186 --> 00:08:13,053
he did use the word "love."
183
00:08:13,055 --> 00:08:15,772
Love?
184
00:08:15,774 --> 00:08:19,526
Come on, don't ruin
my cupcake buzz.
185
00:08:19,528 --> 00:08:21,945
I mean, this man has no future.
186
00:08:21,947 --> 00:08:24,498
Of course, he does have
a giant penis.
187
00:08:24,500 --> 00:08:27,067
But no future.
188
00:08:27,069 --> 00:08:28,902
I mean, I've worked hard
to get where I am.
189
00:08:28,904 --> 00:08:31,371
I need a man who has a dream
and a drive.
190
00:08:31,373 --> 00:08:36,510
And I can buy a big giant
penis online for $47.
191
00:08:36,512 --> 00:08:40,347
Really?
Add to cart.
192
00:08:40,349 --> 00:08:41,748
Well, then you have to tell him
193
00:08:41,750 --> 00:08:43,767
you're not interested
in going any further.
194
00:08:43,769 --> 00:08:46,687
Oh, all right, don't worry.
I will.
195
00:08:46,689 --> 00:08:48,555
Yeah, I mean,
I need this man in my life
196
00:08:48,557 --> 00:08:50,440
like I need breast implants.
197
00:08:50,442 --> 00:08:53,944
Which is like...
Not at all, right?
198
00:08:58,137 --> 00:09:00,838
Here's another W-2,
H&R blonde.
199
00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:02,673
Thank you.
200
00:09:02,675 --> 00:09:04,859
Max, you worked
at a Mexican restaurant
201
00:09:04,861 --> 00:09:06,227
in long island city?
202
00:09:06,229 --> 00:09:09,280
Oh, my God,
don't be so judgmental.
203
00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:10,782
Mira, look!
204
00:09:10,784 --> 00:09:13,318
I just found a receipt for shoe
insoles and double-stick tape.
205
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:14,852
Work expense.
206
00:09:14,854 --> 00:09:16,687
Again, senorita,
not a write-off.
207
00:09:16,689 --> 00:09:19,190
Like when you asked if you could
claim your pot dealer
208
00:09:19,192 --> 00:09:20,825
as an entertainment expense.
209
00:09:20,827 --> 00:09:24,329
So I was wrong.
We've all got our talents.
210
00:09:24,331 --> 00:09:25,696
You're great
at doing paperwork,
211
00:09:25,698 --> 00:09:26,864
and I'm great at baking
212
00:09:26,866 --> 00:09:29,634
and finding places to have sex
at carnivals.
213
00:09:29,636 --> 00:09:31,302
Just add that to the pile
I'm calling
214
00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:33,537
"evidence
for your future audit."
215
00:09:33,539 --> 00:09:36,174
Not there,
that's Earl's tax return.
216
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:38,810
Can I see a copy
of what you filed last year?
217
00:09:38,812 --> 00:09:40,812
Ugh...I didn't file
last year.
218
00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:43,014
Or the year before
or any year ever.
219
00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:45,600
Wait, you've never paid
your taxes?
220
00:09:45,602 --> 00:09:47,702
No, I've never filed my taxes.
221
00:09:47,704 --> 00:09:49,887
I've paid taxes.
I see it on my check.
222
00:09:49,889 --> 00:09:53,524
$8 to the state,
$15 in federal income,
223
00:09:53,526 --> 00:09:57,111
$6.23 to Fica,
whoever that lucky bitch is.
224
00:09:57,113 --> 00:10:00,231
Max, why didn't you tell me
the severity of this last night?
225
00:10:00,233 --> 00:10:03,284
Um, maybe you haven't noticed,
but I have issues around money.
226
00:10:03,286 --> 00:10:05,753
Every year,
I say I'm going to file,
227
00:10:05,755 --> 00:10:07,872
and then I put it off
and put it off
228
00:10:07,874 --> 00:10:09,624
until the day it's due,
like today,
229
00:10:09,626 --> 00:10:12,043
and then I sit down
with a 1040 and my W-2s,
230
00:10:12,045 --> 00:10:13,428
and right around
the fourth question,
231
00:10:13,430 --> 00:10:14,929
I'm like, screw it!
232
00:10:14,931 --> 00:10:17,482
I'm gonna watch old soul train
clips on YouTube before work.
233
00:10:17,484 --> 00:10:20,468
And then I feel like a loser
until tax day is over.
234
00:10:20,470 --> 00:10:22,270
And then I'm like,
who cares? I'm awesome.
235
00:10:22,272 --> 00:10:23,855
I'll do them next year.
236
00:10:23,857 --> 00:10:26,274
So what you're telling me
237
00:10:26,276 --> 00:10:28,926
is your finances are as messy
as your purse.
238
00:10:28,928 --> 00:10:31,262
Careful now!
239
00:10:31,264 --> 00:10:33,031
Starting to get a little hot
up in here.
240
00:10:33,033 --> 00:10:34,616
Fine, I don't care.
241
00:10:34,618 --> 00:10:36,434
I just want you
to get your taxes done.
242
00:10:36,436 --> 00:10:38,453
Now throw away
all of your useless garbage
243
00:10:38,455 --> 00:10:39,954
into this trash can.
244
00:10:39,956 --> 00:10:43,107
You know what, I'm just gonna
go to that pop-up tax place
245
00:10:43,109 --> 00:10:44,742
near the diner.
246
00:10:44,744 --> 00:10:47,295
And I'll throw my "useless
garbage" in the dumpster
247
00:10:47,297 --> 00:10:48,746
on the way out.
248
00:10:48,748 --> 00:10:50,114
Wait, you're gonna spend
like $100
249
00:10:50,116 --> 00:10:52,083
to have someone do your taxes
250
00:10:52,085 --> 00:10:53,301
when I'm sitting right here.
251
00:10:53,303 --> 00:10:55,303
The amount of money
I'll spend down there
252
00:10:55,305 --> 00:10:56,971
is nothing compared
to the amount of money
253
00:10:56,973 --> 00:10:59,590
I'd have to spend on weed
to survive doing taxes with you.
254
00:11:02,479 --> 00:11:04,729
- Good afternoon, girls.
- Hello.
255
00:11:04,731 --> 00:11:06,964
I hope Sophie and I's
wild lovemaking
256
00:11:06,966 --> 00:11:09,684
didn't keep you up all night.
257
00:11:09,686 --> 00:11:11,019
We wanted to come down
258
00:11:11,021 --> 00:11:13,771
and show you the gift
I just gave Sophie.
259
00:11:13,773 --> 00:11:17,025
Yeah, look, girls.
Look at my gift.
260
00:11:17,027 --> 00:11:20,244
It's got a leg.
261
00:11:20,246 --> 00:11:22,780
Wow, I didn't think you two
were the couple type.
262
00:11:22,782 --> 00:11:24,282
We are going into Manhattan
263
00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:25,983
for fruit cocktail
and champagne.
264
00:11:25,985 --> 00:11:27,818
- Want to join?
- Hell, yeah!
265
00:11:27,820 --> 00:11:30,121
No, Max,
you're doing your taxes.
266
00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:31,839
Oh. My mother says
I can't come out.
267
00:11:31,841 --> 00:11:34,926
Have fun.
268
00:11:36,545 --> 00:11:39,013
This means nothing!
269
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:44,302
I can't believe you're putting
your financial future
270
00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:46,304
into the hands of a hipster
tax place
271
00:11:46,306 --> 00:11:48,306
called "The Tax of Life."
272
00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:50,358
You know
how the old proverb goes.
273
00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:52,060
"You take the good,
you take the bad.
274
00:11:52,062 --> 00:11:56,030
You take what's left, and there
you have the tax of life."
275
00:11:57,232 --> 00:12:00,368
43! Number 43.
276
00:12:00,370 --> 00:12:02,286
And remember,
if you need any help,
277
00:12:02,288 --> 00:12:03,705
I'm acquainted
with your finances.
278
00:12:03,707 --> 00:12:05,740
And I'm acquainted
with your attitude.
279
00:12:05,742 --> 00:12:07,975
Don't say a word.
280
00:12:07,977 --> 00:12:10,078
- I'm 43.
- 'Sup, 43?
281
00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:12,997
I'm Kyle.
I'm your tax bro.
282
00:12:12,999 --> 00:12:16,417
Hi, I'm Max and this is
my mute friend Caroline.
283
00:12:16,419 --> 00:12:18,702
I already started
to fill out the 1040
284
00:12:18,704 --> 00:12:20,371
and I have my W-2s
from this year.
285
00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:21,705
Also some receipts.
286
00:12:21,707 --> 00:12:24,675
Well, let's get started!
287
00:12:24,677 --> 00:12:26,811
Do you have a health savings
account?
288
00:12:26,813 --> 00:12:30,231
- Definitely not.
- Oh, well, we can fudge that.
289
00:12:30,233 --> 00:12:33,735
- I'll put you down for 500.
- Sounds good.
290
00:12:33,737 --> 00:12:35,570
Fudge that? Fudge?
291
00:12:35,572 --> 00:12:37,405
I wasn't aware
there was fudging in finance.
292
00:12:37,407 --> 00:12:40,274
Domestic production activities.
293
00:12:40,276 --> 00:12:44,395
- Like condoms and stuff?
- I guess.
294
00:12:44,397 --> 00:12:47,448
Talk about adjusted
gross income, am I right?
295
00:12:47,450 --> 00:12:49,033
Am I right?
296
00:12:49,035 --> 00:12:51,169
Kyle, put me down for 250.
297
00:12:51,171 --> 00:12:52,503
250.
298
00:12:52,505 --> 00:12:55,706
Should I just put the cheese
plate out for the IRS now?
299
00:12:55,708 --> 00:12:58,209
What about residential
energy credits?
300
00:12:58,211 --> 00:13:00,461
I bought some of those
curly light bulbs once.
301
00:13:00,463 --> 00:13:03,514
Oh, that's another 150 easily.
302
00:13:03,516 --> 00:13:05,916
Sorry, Max,
I can't stop myself.
303
00:13:05,918 --> 00:13:07,852
Money, finances--
this is my thing.
304
00:13:07,854 --> 00:13:09,720
If we were at a copper-plated
jewelry sale,
305
00:13:09,722 --> 00:13:11,272
I'd let you take the wheel.
306
00:13:11,274 --> 00:13:14,692
I can't sit back and watch you
risk our financial future.
307
00:13:14,694 --> 00:13:17,428
You'll be dragging me into this
with you and your tax bro.
308
00:13:17,430 --> 00:13:20,097
Excuse me, tax bro.
309
00:13:20,099 --> 00:13:23,284
Oh, my God, you wanna claim
a residential energy credit?
310
00:13:23,286 --> 00:13:26,571
You don't even have a 5695
up here.
311
00:13:26,573 --> 00:13:30,774
Hey, your mute friend's
all over this.
312
00:13:30,776 --> 00:13:32,460
You should let her
do your taxes.
313
00:13:32,462 --> 00:13:34,295
She's way better.
314
00:13:34,297 --> 00:13:36,581
No, that's cool, Kyle.
I'm not gonna do this.
315
00:13:36,583 --> 00:13:37,582
One more year won't kill me.
316
00:13:37,584 --> 00:13:39,550
I'll just
spend this money on pot.
317
00:13:39,552 --> 00:13:42,937
That's an entertainment
expense, bee-tee-Dubbs.
318
00:13:44,756 --> 00:13:47,008
Max, don't give up yet.
Let me help.
319
00:13:47,010 --> 00:13:48,810
Look, it's already 9:00.
We ran out of time.
320
00:13:48,812 --> 00:13:51,229
At least take a form
and file an extension.
321
00:13:51,231 --> 00:13:53,231
The post office
is open till midnight.
322
00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:55,466
Max, you know you wanna change
your finances.
323
00:13:55,468 --> 00:13:56,567
It's a step.
324
00:13:56,569 --> 00:13:58,469
You're right.
Good idea.
325
00:13:58,471 --> 00:14:00,104
They have extension forms
at the post office.
326
00:14:00,106 --> 00:14:03,807
We can pick one up
when I drop off Earl's return.
327
00:14:03,809 --> 00:14:05,610
- What?
- It's not here.
328
00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:06,744
It's not in my purse.
329
00:14:06,746 --> 00:14:08,830
Last time I saw it,
it was on the coffee table
330
00:14:08,832 --> 00:14:10,915
before you came in
with all your tax stuff.
331
00:14:10,917 --> 00:14:12,250
It must still be there.
332
00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:14,752
Uh, no, you made me throw
all that stuff out.
333
00:14:14,754 --> 00:14:17,588
You threw out
a 75-year-old man's tax return?
334
00:14:17,590 --> 00:14:19,290
You threw some papers out too.
335
00:14:19,292 --> 00:14:20,758
This is so not like me.
336
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:24,295
The only thing I've ever lost
is my virginity.
337
00:14:24,297 --> 00:14:25,880
What are we gonna do?
338
00:14:25,882 --> 00:14:27,831
No, it's okay. Relax.
No big deal.
339
00:14:27,833 --> 00:14:30,468
We just have to go home
and climb through the dumpster.
340
00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:34,188
No, seriously,
what are we gonna do?
341
00:14:34,190 --> 00:14:35,839
Ready?
342
00:14:35,841 --> 00:14:38,676
No, seriously,
what are we gonna do?
343
00:14:43,094 --> 00:14:44,261
Well, let's get to it.
344
00:14:44,263 --> 00:14:46,563
My garbage
ain't gonna find itself.
345
00:14:46,565 --> 00:14:47,764
Max, I can't.
346
00:14:47,766 --> 00:14:51,518
If I go in there,
I will literally be white trash.
347
00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:54,721
Look, you're the one
who had to butt in
348
00:14:54,723 --> 00:14:56,239
and get all "Wharton" with Earl.
349
00:14:56,241 --> 00:14:57,607
If you had left him alone,
350
00:14:57,609 --> 00:14:59,726
it would be at the post office
safe and sound.
351
00:14:59,728 --> 00:15:01,077
Fine.
352
00:15:01,079 --> 00:15:02,662
But to be clear,
if we find a baby in there,
353
00:15:02,664 --> 00:15:04,498
you're raising it on your own.
354
00:15:04,500 --> 00:15:06,750
Hey, it's already off
to a better start than I had.
355
00:15:06,752 --> 00:15:09,336
There's food everywhere.
356
00:15:11,173 --> 00:15:13,256
Oh, hell, no!
It's Tuesday--trash pick up!
357
00:15:13,258 --> 00:15:14,591
Better get in and out
358
00:15:14,593 --> 00:15:16,877
or we'll be on a garbage barge
to coney island.
359
00:15:16,879 --> 00:15:18,211
Come on,
I'll give you ten fingers.
360
00:15:18,213 --> 00:15:21,131
My shoes.
My dignity.
361
00:15:21,133 --> 00:15:23,917
My shoes.
362
00:15:23,919 --> 00:15:27,086
My hands are touching
a dumpster.
363
00:15:27,088 --> 00:15:28,522
All right,
on the count of three,
364
00:15:28,524 --> 00:15:30,023
I'll push,
you hoist yourself up.
365
00:15:30,025 --> 00:15:31,725
But really pull yourself up,
or you won't make it.
366
00:15:31,727 --> 00:15:34,361
It's hell.
I'm looking into hell.
367
00:15:34,363 --> 00:15:37,814
1...2...3!
368
00:15:37,816 --> 00:15:39,699
Whaa!
369
00:15:44,872 --> 00:15:48,708
I wanted to scream,
but it wouldn't come out.
370
00:15:48,710 --> 00:15:50,827
Okay, well, good luck.
See ya.
371
00:15:50,829 --> 00:15:52,329
- Max!
- I'm kidding!
372
00:15:52,331 --> 00:15:54,781
I'm coming around the back.
I found a place to get a leg up.
373
00:15:54,783 --> 00:15:59,669
Now?
You just saw that now?
374
00:15:59,671 --> 00:16:01,471
Aah!
375
00:16:01,473 --> 00:16:03,506
Why'd you scream?
You knew it was me.
376
00:16:03,508 --> 00:16:06,676
That's the one
I couldn't get out before.
377
00:16:06,678 --> 00:16:09,679
Oh, God, look at this mess.
378
00:16:09,681 --> 00:16:11,648
It's like looking for
a dirty needle in a haystack,
379
00:16:11,650 --> 00:16:14,017
which I've done.
380
00:16:14,019 --> 00:16:17,237
Okay, start poking around.
Look for familiar garbage.
381
00:16:17,239 --> 00:16:20,139
"Familiar garbage"?
382
00:16:20,141 --> 00:16:23,276
I hate it in here.
I wanna die.
383
00:16:23,278 --> 00:16:24,578
It's not that bad.
384
00:16:24,580 --> 00:16:26,913
My mom and I once spent
five hours in a dumpster
385
00:16:26,915 --> 00:16:29,449
looking for proof that her
boyfriend was cheating on her,
386
00:16:29,451 --> 00:16:32,202
and all we found was
a scratch-off worth a $1.50
387
00:16:32,204 --> 00:16:33,703
and a beach towel.
388
00:16:33,705 --> 00:16:35,505
And then, we used that $1.50
389
00:16:35,507 --> 00:16:37,624
to take the towel
to the laundromat.
390
00:16:37,626 --> 00:16:40,043
12 years later,
you and I use that very towel
391
00:16:40,045 --> 00:16:43,546
to dry ourselves off
after a shower.
392
00:16:43,548 --> 00:16:47,968
Well, I'm standing on
a stranger's cold sesame noodles
393
00:16:47,970 --> 00:16:50,053
with egg shells
stuck to my ankles.
394
00:16:50,055 --> 00:16:51,554
You win, Max.
395
00:16:51,556 --> 00:16:53,506
What does that have to do
with me?
396
00:16:53,508 --> 00:16:57,978
It means I'm officially
standing in your purse.
397
00:16:57,980 --> 00:17:03,233
How about more real garbage,
less Caroline garbage?
398
00:17:03,235 --> 00:17:05,452
Caroline garbage?
399
00:17:05,454 --> 00:17:07,186
You have been dumping
on me all day.
400
00:17:07,188 --> 00:17:08,788
Me? What have I done?
401
00:17:08,790 --> 00:17:12,409
"Max, you didn't file...ever?"
402
00:17:12,411 --> 00:17:14,461
I didn't say it like that.
403
00:17:14,463 --> 00:17:17,130
And you didn't file ever.
Is that my fault?
404
00:17:17,132 --> 00:17:19,532
Yes! This is all your fault.
405
00:17:19,534 --> 00:17:22,218
Before I met you, I didn't
even think about a future.
406
00:17:22,220 --> 00:17:25,472
Now I have a future,
and I'm standing in a dumpster!
407
00:17:25,474 --> 00:17:29,175
You are not the only one
standing in a dumpster.
408
00:17:29,177 --> 00:17:31,394
And...get a new purse.
409
00:17:31,396 --> 00:17:33,179
If you had been able
to find a stupid stamp
410
00:17:33,181 --> 00:17:34,547
in that horrid thing,
411
00:17:34,549 --> 00:17:36,733
I would've never even seen
Earl's taxes
412
00:17:36,735 --> 00:17:38,568
and I wouldn't be standing
in a dumpster.
413
00:17:50,865 --> 00:17:52,231
Max, no, no, no!
414
00:17:52,233 --> 00:17:54,400
I will never, ever
recover from that!
415
00:17:54,402 --> 00:17:56,670
Red bulls? Red bulls?
Are those our red bulls?
416
00:17:56,672 --> 00:17:57,754
Where?
417
00:17:57,756 --> 00:17:59,739
Yes! Yes!
That's my garbage!
418
00:17:59,741 --> 00:18:01,675
That's my garbage!
Get over here!
419
00:18:01,677 --> 00:18:02,926
If we find it,
we'll have enough time
420
00:18:02,928 --> 00:18:04,761
to shower and get to
the post office.
421
00:18:04,763 --> 00:18:07,747
Earl's taxes!
Earl's taxes!
422
00:18:08,582 --> 00:18:11,351
Next!
423
00:18:11,353 --> 00:18:12,802
This is unbelievable.
424
00:18:12,804 --> 00:18:15,271
Everyone trying to get their
taxes filed by midnight.
425
00:18:15,273 --> 00:18:18,391
Wow, I haven't seen this much
last-minute licking
426
00:18:18,393 --> 00:18:21,644
since the cops raided
that Thai massage parlor.
427
00:18:21,646 --> 00:18:24,364
- I'll grab an extension form.
- You get in line.
428
00:18:24,366 --> 00:18:26,232
The line's longer
than I expected.
429
00:18:26,234 --> 00:18:30,070
No, we have to file.
She's nursing.
430
00:18:30,072 --> 00:18:31,821
Don't worry.
We're fine.
431
00:18:31,823 --> 00:18:33,790
I'm a bum.
432
00:18:33,792 --> 00:18:37,276
She's got a baby hanging off her
nipple and her taxes are done.
433
00:18:37,278 --> 00:18:39,746
Max, you can't compare
yourself to other people.
434
00:18:39,748 --> 00:18:41,114
You'll do it your way.
435
00:18:41,116 --> 00:18:44,417
And there's a blind guy.
436
00:18:44,419 --> 00:18:47,170
No eyes, taxes done.
437
00:18:47,172 --> 00:18:50,306
I guess he wasn't distracted
by YouTube clips.
438
00:18:50,308 --> 00:18:51,925
Don't be so hard on yourself.
439
00:18:51,927 --> 00:18:54,010
You're filing an extension,
and then you'll get them done.
440
00:18:54,012 --> 00:18:56,312
You say I'm going to file,
but will I?
441
00:18:56,314 --> 00:18:59,015
I say I'm going to clean out
my purse, but do I?
442
00:18:59,017 --> 00:19:02,602
Sophie says she's gonna
tell Oleg, but did she?
443
00:19:02,604 --> 00:19:04,487
An extension
is just another excuse
444
00:19:04,489 --> 00:19:06,973
for me to put it off
and create a bigger mess.
445
00:19:06,975 --> 00:19:09,993
Hey, Max.
What's up?
446
00:19:09,995 --> 00:19:12,912
Bob.
Wow, what are you doing here?
447
00:19:12,914 --> 00:19:15,832
Oh, I just filed my taxes
like everyone else.
448
00:19:15,834 --> 00:19:17,784
Bob had a good year.
Ha.
449
00:19:18,702 --> 00:19:20,420
Who was that?
450
00:19:20,422 --> 00:19:23,206
My dealer.
Forget the extension.
451
00:19:23,208 --> 00:19:25,759
If my pot dealer can file,
I can file.
452
00:19:25,761 --> 00:19:27,160
We still have half an hour.
453
00:19:27,162 --> 00:19:28,494
Run home and get my W-2s
454
00:19:28,496 --> 00:19:29,963
while I stay in line
and fill out the 1040.
455
00:19:29,965 --> 00:19:31,598
Maybe I should stay
and fill it out,
456
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:32,849
and you can run home.
457
00:19:32,851 --> 00:19:34,017
No, I have to do this.
458
00:19:34,019 --> 00:19:35,385
Don't worry, if I get stumped,
459
00:19:35,387 --> 00:19:36,853
I'm surrounded
by procrastinators.
460
00:19:36,855 --> 00:19:38,805
One of them will help...
Eventually.
461
00:19:38,807 --> 00:19:40,306
Okay, here's a pen.
462
00:19:40,308 --> 00:19:41,441
I'm gonna go drop off
Earl's return in the slot,
463
00:19:41,443 --> 00:19:42,725
and I'll be back
as soon as I can.
464
00:19:42,727 --> 00:19:43,893
Okay.
465
00:19:43,895 --> 00:19:45,195
Uh, hi, can you hold my place
466
00:19:45,197 --> 00:19:46,646
while I get a tax form
for this year?
467
00:19:46,648 --> 00:19:49,032
Oh, cutting it close.
You're worse than me.
468
00:19:49,034 --> 00:19:51,734
- Go, I got your back.
- And she's got your front.
469
00:19:55,156 --> 00:19:57,190
So I add up all these lines
and put the total here?
470
00:19:57,192 --> 00:19:58,658
- Right.
- What about student loans?
471
00:19:58,660 --> 00:20:00,160
Yes, and I paid mine off
this year.
472
00:20:00,162 --> 00:20:01,411
Then claim it.
473
00:20:01,413 --> 00:20:02,962
That interest
is a huge write off.
474
00:20:02,964 --> 00:20:04,964
Put down $436 on line 33.
475
00:20:04,966 --> 00:20:08,134
- Post office is closing!
- No!
476
00:20:08,136 --> 00:20:09,552
My friend just texted me.
She's almost here.
477
00:20:09,554 --> 00:20:11,438
Please,
I have to file this year.
478
00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:13,506
Midnight is midnight!
479
00:20:13,508 --> 00:20:15,225
Boo!
480
00:20:15,227 --> 00:20:17,844
Oh, please,
I have six children at home.
481
00:20:17,846 --> 00:20:19,145
This is nothing.
482
00:20:19,147 --> 00:20:21,514
Here! I'm here, I'm here!
What time is it?
483
00:20:21,516 --> 00:20:24,717
30 seconds.
484
00:20:24,719 --> 00:20:26,319
Make room, make room.
485
00:20:26,321 --> 00:20:29,722
Stapler, stapler.
486
00:20:29,724 --> 00:20:32,442
- 10...
- Sign it! Sign your 1040!
487
00:20:32,444 --> 00:20:33,726
- 9...
- Where?
488
00:20:33,728 --> 00:20:36,996
8...7...
489
00:20:36,998 --> 00:20:38,781
6...
Fold! Fold, you bastard!
490
00:20:38,783 --> 00:20:41,417
5...4...
491
00:20:41,419 --> 00:20:43,569
3...
492
00:20:43,571 --> 00:20:46,572
2...
493
00:20:46,574 --> 00:20:47,624
No stamp.
494
00:20:47,626 --> 00:20:49,876
- What?
- Aw!
495
00:20:51,912 --> 00:20:54,631
It's cool.
I got ya, boo.
496
00:20:55,683 --> 00:20:58,017
I did it!
I filed my taxes!
497
00:21:00,255 --> 00:21:02,558
Everybody can suck it!
37091
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