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1
00:00:02,950 --> 00:00:03,870
One steak sandwich
2
00:00:03,871 --> 00:00:05,919
and a cheeseburger
with muenster cheese.
3
00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:06,929
We're out of muenster.
4
00:00:06,930 --> 00:00:08,865
Oh, since when?
5
00:00:08,866 --> 00:00:10,858
Well, let's see,
the diner opened in '82.
6
00:00:10,859 --> 00:00:13,940
So '82.
7
00:00:13,941 --> 00:00:16,865
Hi, sorry but we're
out of muenster.
8
00:00:16,866 --> 00:00:17,914
Seriously, dude?
9
00:00:17,915 --> 00:00:18,916
I wanted muenster.
10
00:00:18,917 --> 00:00:21,869
Sorry, we have cheddar,
Swiss or American.
11
00:00:21,870 --> 00:00:23,932
I hate cheddar
and Swiss blows.
12
00:00:23,933 --> 00:00:25,903
Well... then American?
13
00:00:25,904 --> 00:00:26,906
American cheese?
14
00:00:26,907 --> 00:00:27,950
What am I,
at grade school?
15
00:00:27,951 --> 00:00:30,857
Yeah, go to
the principal's office.
16
00:00:30,858 --> 00:00:31,946
I can't have another idiot
up my ass right now.
17
00:00:31,947 --> 00:00:35,882
It's at capacity.
18
00:00:35,883 --> 00:00:37,890
Max, I got this.
19
00:00:37,891 --> 00:00:40,869
Would you like to see
the menu again?
20
00:00:40,870 --> 00:00:42,860
This is crap, okay,
I wanted muenster.
21
00:00:42,861 --> 00:00:44,920
Well, I wanted to be
running a fortune 500 company
22
00:00:44,921 --> 00:00:47,874
instead of waiting on a toxic
man-child like yourself.
23
00:00:47,875 --> 00:00:49,940
But, we can't always
get what we want.
24
00:00:49,941 --> 00:00:52,869
So, order something else,
put it in your pie hole
25
00:00:52,870 --> 00:00:55,932
and get on
with your damn life.
26
00:00:55,933 --> 00:00:56,933
Welcome to waitress.
27
00:00:56,934 --> 00:00:58,869
We've been expecting you.
28
00:01:13,137 --> 00:01:14,146
Here you go, table ten, Earl.
29
00:01:14,147 --> 00:01:17,086
Have any exciting plans
for tomorrow?
30
00:01:17,087 --> 00:01:19,107
Just trying to not
die in my sleep, Max.
31
00:01:19,108 --> 00:01:24,069
How about you?
32
00:01:24,070 --> 00:01:25,131
I'm going to visit
Caroline's horse.
33
00:01:25,132 --> 00:01:27,094
He was adopted by
a rich white lady
34
00:01:27,095 --> 00:01:29,104
who could give him everything
we couldn't afford to.
35
00:01:29,105 --> 00:01:31,128
Which is everything.
36
00:01:31,129 --> 00:01:36,099
White people will
adopt anything.
37
00:01:36,100 --> 00:01:38,153
I figured out the best way
to go see Chestnut.
38
00:01:38,154 --> 00:01:39,152
We take the J train to the 4,
39
00:01:39,153 --> 00:01:40,154
the 4 to Grand Central,
40
00:01:40,155 --> 00:01:42,090
change trains to Riverdale
41
00:01:47,070 --> 00:01:49,091
No, but there's a dicey
underpass at Grand Central
42
00:01:49,092 --> 00:01:51,090
where we might get shot.
43
00:01:51,091 --> 00:01:54,057
I am so excited
to see my baby again.
44
00:01:54,058 --> 00:01:55,082
Me too.
45
00:01:55,083 --> 00:01:56,102
In the Lifetime movie version,
46
00:01:56,103 --> 00:01:57,112
we get there
and Chestnut likes
47
00:01:57,113 --> 00:02:00,103
his new home better
and then we cry.
48
00:02:00,104 --> 00:02:02,065
Excuse me, Hi.
49
00:02:02,066 --> 00:02:03,091
Sorry to bother you.
50
00:02:03,092 --> 00:02:05,153
I'm Rhya,
I'm a little embarrassed.
51
00:02:05,154 --> 00:02:07,065
I just got my period.
52
00:02:07,066 --> 00:02:10,132
Mazel tov.
53
00:02:10,133 --> 00:02:12,074
Do either of you
have a tampon?
54
00:02:12,075 --> 00:02:13,111
Not me.
55
00:02:13,112 --> 00:02:14,150
I just go off into
the woods and don't come out
56
00:02:14,151 --> 00:02:16,149
until it's over.
57
00:02:16,150 --> 00:02:19,061
I have one.
58
00:02:19,062 --> 00:02:20,083
I'm so sorry
to bother you guys.
59
00:02:20,084 --> 00:02:24,057
No problem, "Sisterhood of
the Traveling Panty Shields"
60
00:02:24,058 --> 00:02:25,139
Actually, no,
I don't have one.
61
00:02:25,140 --> 00:02:27,085
Here's a quarter,
there's a tampon machine
62
00:02:27,086 --> 00:02:28,146
- in the ladies' room.
- Thanks.
63
00:02:30,058 --> 00:02:31,083
Pick up, table six.
64
00:02:31,084 --> 00:02:33,057
I couldn't help overhear.
65
00:02:33,058 --> 00:02:35,058
I have tampon.
66
00:02:40,058 --> 00:02:42,065
Oleg, why do you
have a tampon?
67
00:02:42,066 --> 00:02:45,057
Same reason I carry a lighter,
even though I don't smoke.
68
00:02:45,058 --> 00:02:48,078
Feels good to be the hero.
69
00:02:48,079 --> 00:02:50,136
Sorry, again, but do you
have any more change?
70
00:02:50,137 --> 00:02:52,061
It's 75 cents.
71
00:02:52,062 --> 00:02:53,060
It's a quarter.
72
00:02:53,061 --> 00:02:54,146
75.
Says so on the machine.
73
00:02:54,147 --> 00:02:58,146
It better not or I'm about
to rage against the machine.
74
00:03:02,154 --> 00:03:06,069
What?
75
00:03:06,070 --> 00:03:09,065
Han, I need to see you
in here now.
76
00:03:09,066 --> 00:03:10,133
But that is the ladies' room.
77
00:03:10,134 --> 00:03:11,131
You're fine.
78
00:03:11,132 --> 00:03:12,133
Women bring their little boys
79
00:03:12,134 --> 00:03:16,111
in here all the time.
80
00:03:16,112 --> 00:03:19,061
Everybody decent?
81
00:03:19,062 --> 00:03:20,106
Man in the ladies' room.
82
00:03:20,107 --> 00:03:22,102
I apologize for
personal intrusion.
83
00:03:22,103 --> 00:03:23,141
You don't have to
cover your eyes.
84
00:03:23,142 --> 00:03:25,153
It's a ladies' room,
not a solar eclipse.
85
00:03:25,154 --> 00:03:27,115
Max, why do you want
to see me
86
00:03:27,116 --> 00:03:29,077
in this inappropriate
meeting place?
87
00:03:29,078 --> 00:03:30,154
This is why.
The tampon machine.
88
00:03:30,155 --> 00:03:33,082
Oh, this is not man topic.
89
00:03:33,083 --> 00:03:35,082
I do not wish to discuss
time of the month
90
00:03:35,083 --> 00:03:38,086
when ladies must chase
the cotton mouse.
91
00:03:38,087 --> 00:03:40,078
Chase the cotton mouse?
92
00:03:40,079 --> 00:03:42,064
Geeze, where'd you get
your sex education?
93
00:03:42,065 --> 00:03:43,135
Lambchop's playalong?
94
00:03:43,136 --> 00:03:45,116
Han, you changed
the price of tampons?
95
00:03:45,117 --> 00:03:47,116
Yes, this is not
appropriate talk.
96
00:03:47,117 --> 00:03:49,128
No, this is not
appropriate action.
97
00:03:49,129 --> 00:03:50,146
They've been
a quarter forever.
98
00:03:50,147 --> 00:03:52,078
Look how old
this machine is.
99
00:03:52,079 --> 00:03:54,136
Harriet Tubman used
to get her tampons here.
100
00:03:54,137 --> 00:03:56,090
I'm a businessman.
101
00:03:56,091 --> 00:03:57,129
Emphasis on the man.
102
00:03:57,130 --> 00:03:59,078
I do not belong in here.
103
00:03:59,079 --> 00:04:00,107
Hey, hey!
104
00:04:00,108 --> 00:04:04,069
Don't make me chase you,
you little khaki mouse.
105
00:04:04,070 --> 00:04:06,102
Look, han, everyone knows
there are certain things
106
00:04:06,103 --> 00:04:07,123
that people need
in an emergency
107
00:04:07,124 --> 00:04:09,081
that you never raise
the price on.
108
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:10,094
Things like what?
109
00:04:10,095 --> 00:04:11,108
Off the top of my head,
110
00:04:11,109 --> 00:04:14,153
tampons and 40-ounce beers.
111
00:04:14,154 --> 00:04:16,136
Max, why are you so upset?
112
00:04:16,137 --> 00:04:18,082
It is only
two more quarters.
113
00:04:18,083 --> 00:04:20,145
Han, that's
a 200% price hike.
114
00:04:20,146 --> 00:04:22,065
That's outrageous.
115
00:04:22,066 --> 00:04:23,089
You're taking
advantage of women.
116
00:04:23,090 --> 00:04:25,073
If men were the ones
who got periods,
117
00:04:25,074 --> 00:04:26,120
tampons would be
thrown free
118
00:04:26,121 --> 00:04:29,074
from floats
like Mardi Gras beads.
119
00:04:29,075 --> 00:04:31,086
I went to
Mardi Gras once--I was 11.
120
00:04:31,087 --> 00:04:32,150
My mom and her new boyfriend
wanted to go,
121
00:04:32,151 --> 00:04:36,069
and they needed
a designated driver.
122
00:04:36,070 --> 00:04:38,069
Earl, I need a man's opinion.
123
00:04:38,070 --> 00:04:40,065
Is it my right
to raise the price
124
00:04:40,066 --> 00:04:41,123
of any product in my diner?
125
00:04:41,124 --> 00:04:42,154
What product
are we talking about?
126
00:04:42,155 --> 00:04:44,061
Tampons.
127
00:04:44,062 --> 00:04:46,115
Oh, brother.
128
00:04:46,116 --> 00:04:49,140
Uh, you gotta just
relax and butt out.
129
00:04:49,141 --> 00:04:50,149
Trust me.
130
00:04:50,150 --> 00:04:53,061
I been in this
situation a long time.
131
00:04:53,062 --> 00:04:54,083
Remember Aunt Flo?
132
00:04:54,084 --> 00:04:57,099
That was my aunt.
133
00:04:57,100 --> 00:04:59,060
Han, just because
you can take advantage
134
00:04:59,061 --> 00:05:01,066
of a business situation,
doesn't mean you should.
135
00:05:01,067 --> 00:05:03,065
It is law of
supply and demand.
136
00:05:03,066 --> 00:05:06,065
Fine, then I demand you roll
back the price on the supply.
137
00:05:06,066 --> 00:05:08,069
Come on han,
don't be so 1% about it.
138
00:05:08,070 --> 00:05:09,150
You think occupy Wall Street
was a big deal?
139
00:05:09,151 --> 00:05:13,065
Wait till you see occupy tampon.
140
00:05:13,066 --> 00:05:14,150
We only protest once a month,
141
00:05:14,151 --> 00:05:17,150
but it's an intense
five to seven days.
142
00:05:21,791 --> 00:05:22,814
Got it.
Found the milk.
143
00:05:22,815 --> 00:05:24,796
And I found it even faster
than the butter.
144
00:05:24,797 --> 00:05:27,765
You know they're
not hiding it from you.
145
00:05:27,766 --> 00:05:29,854
It's a grocery store,
not a sorority scavenger hunt.
146
00:05:29,855 --> 00:05:32,790
Grocery shopping
is so fun.
147
00:05:32,791 --> 00:05:33,825
When I was little,
I always wondered
148
00:05:33,826 --> 00:05:36,825
where this stuff came from.
149
00:05:39,804 --> 00:05:40,840
What's that?
150
00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:41,841
Birthday card for my mom.
151
00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:45,774
Aww, let me see.
152
00:05:45,775 --> 00:05:46,794
"Get better soon"?
153
00:05:46,795 --> 00:05:47,852
I thought you said
it was a birthday card.
154
00:05:47,853 --> 00:05:49,816
It is, that's the
only one that seemed
155
00:05:49,817 --> 00:05:51,819
appropriate for
our relationship.
156
00:05:51,820 --> 00:05:53,775
Do you really
want your mom to get
157
00:05:53,776 --> 00:05:55,807
a get well card
on her birthday?
158
00:05:55,808 --> 00:05:57,837
Okay... here's one with
a strawberry, that's fine.
159
00:05:57,838 --> 00:06:01,757
It's really about
the 50 bucks inside anyway.
160
00:06:01,758 --> 00:06:02,791
That makes me sad.
161
00:06:02,792 --> 00:06:06,799
Sad?
I can fix that.
162
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:08,770
Have a treat,
it'll perk you right back up.
163
00:06:08,771 --> 00:06:10,824
Max, you just stabbed
a bag of candy.
164
00:06:10,825 --> 00:06:11,837
That's okay, they'll
just think a gang
165
00:06:11,838 --> 00:06:13,840
came through and did it.
166
00:06:13,841 --> 00:06:14,846
A candy gang?
167
00:06:14,847 --> 00:06:18,819
What,
like the sour patch kids?
168
00:06:18,820 --> 00:06:20,840
Just step away and pretend
you didn't do it.
169
00:06:20,841 --> 00:06:24,782
That's what you do.
170
00:06:24,783 --> 00:06:25,852
We just need
to grab ten boxes
171
00:06:25,853 --> 00:06:27,818
of Duncan Hines cake mix
and we're done.
172
00:06:27,819 --> 00:06:28,850
Why would
we need to do that?
173
00:06:28,851 --> 00:06:31,761
Why do you think?
To make the cupcakes.
174
00:06:31,762 --> 00:06:33,803
I thought the cupcakes
were homemade.
175
00:06:33,804 --> 00:06:37,819
They are,
I make them in my home.
176
00:06:37,820 --> 00:06:40,790
You've been using
a boxed cake mix?
177
00:06:40,791 --> 00:06:42,807
Relax, I only use it
when I'm tired.
178
00:06:42,808 --> 00:06:44,818
And I add a secret ingredient
of my own to the mix
179
00:06:44,819 --> 00:06:45,837
that makes them irresistible.
180
00:06:45,838 --> 00:06:48,815
So you have no shame
using the store-bought mix?
181
00:06:48,816 --> 00:06:52,757
I've no shame about anything.
Shame is overrated like Ke$ha.
182
00:06:52,758 --> 00:06:56,765
In fact, they should rename
shame "keshame"
183
00:06:56,766 --> 00:07:02,836
I just bought a Ke$ha album,
I'm so keshamed.
184
00:07:02,837 --> 00:07:04,810
Shouldn't there be
someone to do this for us?
185
00:07:04,811 --> 00:07:05,814
Oh, he's probably in the aisle
186
00:07:05,815 --> 00:07:06,837
cleaning up after
the candy gang.
187
00:07:06,838 --> 00:07:09,765
There was no candy gang
in here tonight.
188
00:07:09,766 --> 00:07:13,853
That was a sneaky customer,
now wasn't it?
189
00:07:13,854 --> 00:07:15,761
Hey, look.
190
00:07:15,762 --> 00:07:17,757
For Chestnut, I can't wait.
191
00:07:17,758 --> 00:07:18,841
I got him the kind with tops
on them, like Bugs Bunny.
192
00:07:18,842 --> 00:07:21,778
He'll be so excited when he
sees the two of us tomorrow.
193
00:07:21,779 --> 00:07:22,799
I know.
194
00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:25,774
I was talking about
me and the carrots.
195
00:07:25,775 --> 00:07:28,853
All right now,
your total is $70.49.
196
00:07:28,854 --> 00:07:30,849
Wow, that seems like a lot.
197
00:07:30,850 --> 00:07:34,757
I don't make the prices,
now do I?
198
00:07:34,758 --> 00:07:36,815
No, I was just commenting.
199
00:07:36,816 --> 00:07:41,790
Well, it's not CNN,
now is it?
200
00:07:41,791 --> 00:07:44,819
- Here, give her the coupons.
- The coupons?
201
00:07:44,820 --> 00:07:46,774
Yeah, here.
202
00:07:46,775 --> 00:07:49,786
Max, you use coupons?
203
00:07:49,787 --> 00:07:51,828
I had no idea.
204
00:07:51,829 --> 00:07:56,815
You're looking at me like
I'm on To Catch a Predator.
205
00:07:56,816 --> 00:07:59,761
We don't need to use those,
I have my tip money right here.
206
00:07:59,762 --> 00:08:01,786
What are you talking about,
I have coupons.
207
00:08:01,787 --> 00:08:03,787
Here, take them.
208
00:08:06,837 --> 00:08:08,815
I-I have--
209
00:08:08,816 --> 00:08:10,765
I can't, I don't want to.
210
00:08:10,766 --> 00:08:11,846
I've fallen so far,
I can't fall any further.
211
00:08:11,847 --> 00:08:14,774
Don't make me.
212
00:08:14,775 --> 00:08:17,803
There's no need to go
down a keshame spiral.
213
00:08:17,804 --> 00:08:18,850
Hi, she has coupons.
214
00:08:18,851 --> 00:08:21,782
Oh, now you tell me
you have coupons?
215
00:08:21,783 --> 00:08:23,828
Should have told me before,
now shouldn't ya?
216
00:08:23,829 --> 00:08:25,836
I didn't wanna tell you
at all, she made me.
217
00:08:25,837 --> 00:08:28,845
Now didn't ya?
218
00:08:28,846 --> 00:08:30,849
Look, it's not a big deal.
219
00:08:30,850 --> 00:08:31,846
Lots of people use coupons.
220
00:08:31,847 --> 00:08:33,778
Coupons are for--
221
00:08:33,779 --> 00:08:34,850
Poor people, yes.
222
00:08:34,851 --> 00:08:35,848
Like us.
223
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:37,760
People who stand
at the cash register
224
00:08:37,761 --> 00:08:38,804
and say things like,
225
00:08:38,805 --> 00:08:41,778
"Wow, $70?
That seems like a lot."
226
00:08:41,779 --> 00:08:44,824
Your new total is $12.70
227
00:08:44,825 --> 00:08:47,815
wait, it just went
from $70 to $12?
228
00:08:47,816 --> 00:08:48,820
Just like that?
229
00:08:48,821 --> 00:08:50,811
The same food for less money?
230
00:08:50,812 --> 00:08:52,819
The exact same food?
231
00:08:52,820 --> 00:08:54,757
How is that even possible?
232
00:08:54,758 --> 00:08:57,832
You used coupons,
now didn't ya.
233
00:08:57,833 --> 00:09:00,833
Max, coupons are genius.
234
00:09:04,854 --> 00:09:06,815
I'm late, I know.
235
00:09:06,816 --> 00:09:08,764
I just got a text
from Chestnut.
236
00:09:08,765 --> 00:09:09,766
"Where are you?
237
00:09:09,767 --> 00:09:11,765
I'm wearing my best suit."
238
00:09:11,766 --> 00:09:13,854
He spelled suit with a four, but
that's pretty good for a horse.
239
00:09:13,855 --> 00:09:15,849
I have a good reason.
240
00:09:15,850 --> 00:09:18,778
15 chicken pot pies.
241
00:09:18,779 --> 00:09:20,778
Regular price: $1.47.
242
00:09:20,779 --> 00:09:21,854
Coupon price: Free!
243
00:09:21,855 --> 00:09:23,824
'Cause I bought 15
and used
244
00:09:23,825 --> 00:09:25,777
the double coupon
in-store sale combo.
245
00:09:25,778 --> 00:09:27,773
Listen to me with
the lingo already.
246
00:09:27,774 --> 00:09:29,846
Reminds me of my first day
interning on Wall Street.
247
00:09:29,847 --> 00:09:31,840
Chicken pot pies?
248
00:09:31,841 --> 00:09:33,815
You don't even like them.
249
00:09:33,816 --> 00:09:35,756
What does it matter
if I like them or not?
250
00:09:35,757 --> 00:09:36,756
They were free.
251
00:09:36,757 --> 00:09:37,756
It's free money.
252
00:09:37,757 --> 00:09:38,768
Who doesn't like free money?
253
00:09:38,769 --> 00:09:39,798
I don't know
about free money,
254
00:09:39,799 --> 00:09:40,812
but this is like
watching someone
255
00:09:40,813 --> 00:09:43,778
free base for the first time.
256
00:09:43,779 --> 00:09:44,814
Chestnut's fine.
257
00:09:44,815 --> 00:09:45,854
It's not a big deal.
258
00:09:45,855 --> 00:09:48,853
Ooh, oh, I just got
another text from Chestnut.
259
00:09:48,854 --> 00:09:52,786
"I'm so lonely,
I just tried smoking."
260
00:09:52,787 --> 00:09:53,854
We can go tomorrow.
261
00:09:53,855 --> 00:09:55,815
In the Lifetime
movie version,
262
00:09:55,816 --> 00:09:57,820
we just missed the day we
were appointed by the court,
263
00:09:57,821 --> 00:10:00,757
and Chestnut's new parents
move him out of town.
264
00:10:00,758 --> 00:10:01,849
And we cry.
265
00:10:01,850 --> 00:10:03,853
I get it, it's just that
after last night,
266
00:10:03,854 --> 00:10:06,803
I woke up fascinated by
the concept of coupons.
267
00:10:06,804 --> 00:10:07,841
So I did some research.
268
00:10:07,842 --> 00:10:09,757
I found this woman online
269
00:10:09,758 --> 00:10:11,819
who calls herself
the Williamsburg Coupon Queen.
270
00:10:11,820 --> 00:10:13,769
Only she calls them
"cue-pons."
271
00:10:13,770 --> 00:10:14,823
Is that the correct way
to pronounce it?
272
00:10:14,824 --> 00:10:15,841
Eh, I'm gonna go with her way
273
00:10:15,842 --> 00:10:19,769
after all, she is the queen.
274
00:10:19,770 --> 00:10:20,825
Canned pumpkin?
275
00:10:20,826 --> 00:10:23,832
Ten cans, double coupon,
five cents each.
276
00:10:23,833 --> 00:10:25,820
Great, 'cause I'm always lying
in bed at night
277
00:10:25,821 --> 00:10:28,786
thinking I wish I could crack
open a can of pumpkin.
278
00:10:28,787 --> 00:10:31,757
Oh, and I found a coupon
for you to send your mom an
279
00:10:31,758 --> 00:10:32,812
edible arrangement
for her birthday.
280
00:10:32,813 --> 00:10:36,811
A pretty pineapple daisy says so
much more than cash in a card.
281
00:10:36,812 --> 00:10:40,757
And it's for 40% off
the regular price.
282
00:10:40,758 --> 00:10:43,849
That's perfect because my mom
was 40% off a regular mom.
283
00:10:43,850 --> 00:10:46,853
And Max, I do have something
else for you in this bag.
284
00:10:46,854 --> 00:10:49,790
Something that'll
make you very happy.
285
00:10:49,791 --> 00:10:52,782
Canned yams for when I get
tired of canned pumpkin?
286
00:10:52,783 --> 00:10:56,853
Better, look.
287
00:10:56,854 --> 00:10:58,853
Look out, Han Lee.
288
00:10:58,854 --> 00:11:01,854
I'm about to get my tamp on.
289
00:11:06,808 --> 00:11:08,853
Well well, if it isn't
everything that's wrong
290
00:11:08,854 --> 00:11:12,854
with the current economy,
in a boys' v-neck sweater.
291
00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:16,849
Oh, what do you
think you are doing?
292
00:11:16,850 --> 00:11:20,850
Oh, just putting straws
in the container...
293
00:11:22,791 --> 00:11:26,836
in case, uh...
294
00:11:26,837 --> 00:11:29,765
Just in case a woman might
suddenly need a straw
295
00:11:29,766 --> 00:11:31,790
and not have 75 cents.
296
00:11:31,791 --> 00:11:32,854
Those are not straws.
297
00:11:32,855 --> 00:11:34,807
They do not belong in public.
298
00:11:34,808 --> 00:11:36,765
Didn't your mother
ever teach you
299
00:11:36,766 --> 00:11:39,836
that is secret, no-no
private lady thing?
300
00:11:39,837 --> 00:11:41,845
You can't even say the name.
301
00:11:41,846 --> 00:11:43,800
Come on Wall Street,
if you can sell it,
302
00:11:43,801 --> 00:11:46,811
you should be able to bring
yourself to say it.
303
00:11:46,812 --> 00:11:48,757
I will never speak of it.
304
00:11:49,766 --> 00:11:51,774
Just say it.
Tampon, tampon, tampon.
305
00:11:51,775 --> 00:11:53,774
What's the big deal?
306
00:11:53,775 --> 00:11:55,836
In Ukraine, there are
pop songs about it.
307
00:11:55,837 --> 00:11:57,853
She's so pretty,
she's so grouchy.
308
00:12:07,796 --> 00:12:09,789
That is inappropriate
counter display.
309
00:12:09,790 --> 00:12:10,794
You take it down.
310
00:12:10,795 --> 00:12:11,846
You take down
the price and I will.
311
00:12:11,847 --> 00:12:13,795
No, it is free market.
312
00:12:13,796 --> 00:12:14,796
I charge what I want.
313
00:12:14,797 --> 00:12:16,819
I am the boss.
314
00:12:16,820 --> 00:12:19,840
Max, someone left a stack of
newspapers filled with cue-pons,
315
00:12:19,841 --> 00:12:22,807
and look, a double
for Duncan Hines.
316
00:12:22,808 --> 00:12:23,850
Could this day get
any better?
317
00:12:23,851 --> 00:12:26,778
Oh, and tables four, seven and
eight want their checks.
318
00:12:26,779 --> 00:12:27,778
Okay.
319
00:12:27,779 --> 00:12:30,779
Have 'em ready right here.
320
00:12:33,804 --> 00:12:36,786
Max, no, that is private!
321
00:12:36,787 --> 00:12:37,831
Here's your check.
322
00:12:37,832 --> 00:12:38,854
And a little something extra,
323
00:12:38,855 --> 00:12:42,836
compliments of women without
three quarters everywhere.
324
00:12:42,837 --> 00:12:44,807
Thank you very much.
325
00:12:44,808 --> 00:12:45,816
I don't know
about your flow,
326
00:12:45,817 --> 00:12:48,816
so I gave you a regular
and a super.
327
00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:56,850
Max, have you no shame?
328
00:12:56,851 --> 00:12:57,840
Nope.
329
00:12:57,841 --> 00:12:59,845
Ladies, at that
time of the month,
330
00:12:59,846 --> 00:13:01,779
I invite
you to think of this man.
331
00:13:01,780 --> 00:13:03,807
This man, Han Lee,
right over here.
332
00:13:03,808 --> 00:13:07,808
The man who thinks your menses
should be more expenses.
333
00:13:09,812 --> 00:13:10,854
Okay, okay,
I will lower the price
334
00:13:10,855 --> 00:13:12,774
back to a quarter.
335
00:13:12,775 --> 00:13:14,815
And that is end
of discussion, period.
336
00:13:14,816 --> 00:13:17,836
Oh.
337
00:13:17,837 --> 00:13:21,837
Tampons for everyone.
338
00:13:23,779 --> 00:13:27,779
Max, you are the Norma Rae
of feminine hygiene.
339
00:13:42,046 --> 00:13:44,024
It's so windy.
340
00:13:44,025 --> 00:13:47,028
Choosing coupon shopping over
going to see your son again?
341
00:13:47,029 --> 00:13:48,999
That's a keshame.
342
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:50,023
In the Lifetime
movie version,
343
00:13:50,024 --> 00:13:52,035
this is where they take
you away as an unfit mother.
344
00:13:52,036 --> 00:13:53,037
And I don't cry.
345
00:13:53,038 --> 00:13:54,999
I'm sorry, but I just saw
346
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,015
that all these cake mix cue-pons
expire today.
347
00:13:57,016 --> 00:13:58,023
I'll be real quick.
348
00:13:58,024 --> 00:13:59,044
Ten minutes, in and out.
349
00:13:59,045 --> 00:14:00,989
If I had a cue-pon
for every time
350
00:14:00,990 --> 00:14:01,998
I heard that from a guy.
351
00:14:01,999 --> 00:14:03,977
Here, start going
through these papers
352
00:14:03,978 --> 00:14:05,958
and look for
the cake mix double cue-pon.
353
00:14:05,959 --> 00:14:07,982
If I combine these
with the in-store bonus,
354
00:14:07,983 --> 00:14:10,957
not only will we get
the lower cue-pon mix price,
355
00:14:10,958 --> 00:14:13,969
but they will actually
give us $23 back!
356
00:14:15,016 --> 00:14:18,011
I'll give you $24
to stop saying cue-pon.
357
00:14:18,012 --> 00:14:20,982
Come on, start pulling out
the ones for the cake mix.
358
00:14:20,983 --> 00:14:26,015
It'll be a breeze.
359
00:14:26,016 --> 00:14:27,978
No, that was a breeze.
360
00:14:27,979 --> 00:14:29,986
My cue-pons!
361
00:14:29,987 --> 00:14:32,016
The fact that you're more
worried about your coupons
362
00:14:32,017 --> 00:14:36,016
than your hair
shows how far you've fallen.
363
00:14:39,966 --> 00:14:41,020
Oh, my God,
I can't believe it.
364
00:14:41,021 --> 00:14:43,982
Max, it's the Williamsburg
cue-pon queen.
365
00:14:43,983 --> 00:14:45,986
Where'd she leave her crown,
in the minivan?
366
00:14:45,987 --> 00:14:48,035
This is so exciting.
I have to go pay my respects.
367
00:14:48,036 --> 00:14:49,044
We don't have
time for this.
368
00:14:49,045 --> 00:14:50,987
Just throw the cake mix
into the cart
369
00:14:50,988 --> 00:14:54,999
or we'll miss the train.
370
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:56,990
There, calm down,
have a treat.
371
00:14:56,991 --> 00:14:59,969
I'll be right back.
372
00:14:59,970 --> 00:15:01,046
Excuse me, your highness,
373
00:15:01,047 --> 00:15:03,045
but aren't you
the cue-pon queen?
374
00:15:03,046 --> 00:15:04,045
Mm-hmm.
375
00:15:04,046 --> 00:15:06,007
I'm Caroline.
376
00:15:06,008 --> 00:15:07,041
Freddie, and I can't
talk right now
377
00:15:07,042 --> 00:15:08,990
because if I lose my place--
378
00:15:08,991 --> 00:15:10,037
- you'll lose your mind!
- I'm gonna lose... my... mind...
379
00:15:10,038 --> 00:15:12,969
I know.
You say that on your show.
380
00:15:12,970 --> 00:15:15,006
I won't bother you,
but I think you'll be excited
381
00:15:15,007 --> 00:15:16,004
when I tell you that
it's only my second day
382
00:15:16,005 --> 00:15:17,990
and I already learned
383
00:15:17,991 --> 00:15:19,960
how to make money
on the purchase of cake mix.
384
00:15:19,961 --> 00:15:21,970
All I have to do is buy 40 boxes
and we get the--
385
00:15:21,971 --> 00:15:24,003
Store bonus, yeah.
386
00:15:24,004 --> 00:15:28,995
Cake mix...
That's a rare cue-pon.
387
00:15:28,996 --> 00:15:29,994
Where'd you find it?
388
00:15:29,995 --> 00:15:31,006
Yesterday's circulars.
389
00:15:31,007 --> 00:15:32,008
Didn't you see it?
390
00:15:32,009 --> 00:15:34,003
I missed it.
391
00:15:34,004 --> 00:15:39,007
Go to the truck and get the
stockpile of circulars.
392
00:15:39,008 --> 00:15:41,045
Look at him go.
393
00:15:41,046 --> 00:15:43,974
You're sweeping
the shelves.
394
00:15:43,975 --> 00:15:46,041
On your show, you said sweeping
the shelves was out of line.
395
00:15:46,042 --> 00:15:48,040
Max!
396
00:15:48,041 --> 00:15:50,015
These are mine,
I was here first.
397
00:15:50,016 --> 00:15:52,015
I think she's probably
gonna be here last,
398
00:15:52,016 --> 00:15:53,957
so let's go,
we don't need these.
399
00:15:53,958 --> 00:15:55,014
We do, if we
don't get 40 boxes,
400
00:15:55,015 --> 00:15:56,054
they won't be free.
401
00:15:56,055 --> 00:15:59,054
I've met actual queens and
this isn't royal behavior.
402
00:16:02,012 --> 00:16:05,957
Max, she just body-checked me.
403
00:16:05,958 --> 00:16:08,046
Push me again and I will report
you to the American embassy.
404
00:16:08,047 --> 00:16:11,046
Max, get in here.
405
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:17,982
Oh, we got a problem?
406
00:16:17,983 --> 00:16:20,036
Oh, we got a problem.
407
00:16:20,037 --> 00:16:23,037
Oh, hell no!
408
00:16:30,054 --> 00:16:31,986
What do we do?
409
00:16:31,987 --> 00:16:33,995
You step away
and pretend you didn't do it.
410
00:16:33,996 --> 00:16:37,965
That's what you do.
411
00:16:37,966 --> 00:16:38,995
24, 25--
412
00:16:38,996 --> 00:16:41,011
You're making me wait,
now aren't ya?
413
00:16:41,012 --> 00:16:41,996
Just till I get to 40.
414
00:16:43,020 --> 00:16:44,995
26, 27, 28.
415
00:16:44,996 --> 00:16:47,982
Come on,
I'll buy it for you.
416
00:16:47,983 --> 00:16:49,016
Come on, take up
the bitch on his offer
417
00:16:49,017 --> 00:16:50,982
and let's go see Chestnut.
418
00:16:50,983 --> 00:16:52,014
Max, shh, I'm counting.
419
00:16:52,015 --> 00:16:54,050
If we don't have the exact
right mix-to-coupon ratio
420
00:16:54,051 --> 00:16:56,007
we won't get our free money.
421
00:16:56,008 --> 00:16:57,041
Okay, where was I?
422
00:16:57,042 --> 00:16:58,986
Amateur.
423
00:16:58,987 --> 00:17:00,054
Real mature, your highness.
424
00:17:00,055 --> 00:17:02,969
We have places to go.
425
00:17:02,970 --> 00:17:03,969
Okay, 40.
426
00:17:03,970 --> 00:17:05,978
Take it away, Tanya.
427
00:17:05,979 --> 00:17:07,006
Wait, what is this?
428
00:17:07,007 --> 00:17:08,994
This isn't Duncan Hines,
it's Pillsbury.
429
00:17:08,995 --> 00:17:09,996
Where did this come from?
430
00:17:09,997 --> 00:17:10,994
I put it in.
431
00:17:10,995 --> 00:17:12,000
You can't do that.
432
00:17:12,001 --> 00:17:13,982
It has to be all Duncan Hines.
433
00:17:13,983 --> 00:17:14,994
I needed Pillsbury.
434
00:17:14,995 --> 00:17:15,994
Well, you can't have it.
435
00:17:15,995 --> 00:17:16,994
- I need it!
- Why?
436
00:17:16,995 --> 00:17:18,029
- I need it!
- Why?
437
00:17:18,030 --> 00:17:20,982
That's the secret ingredient.
438
00:17:20,983 --> 00:17:23,003
I throw a spoon of Pillsbury
439
00:17:23,004 --> 00:17:24,046
in the Duncan Hines.
440
00:17:24,047 --> 00:17:25,969
Pillsbury?
441
00:17:25,970 --> 00:17:26,996
That's what makes it you?
442
00:17:26,997 --> 00:17:30,011
That's what makes
it more delicious.
443
00:17:30,012 --> 00:17:31,986
Tanya, stop,
flag on the play.
444
00:17:31,987 --> 00:17:33,044
Here, take this back
445
00:17:33,045 --> 00:17:34,048
and get me another.
446
00:17:34,049 --> 00:17:35,960
You know what,
I'm just gonna go
447
00:17:35,961 --> 00:17:36,994
see Chestnut while
I still have time.
448
00:17:36,995 --> 00:17:38,968
No, Max, please take this back
and get me another one.
449
00:17:38,969 --> 00:17:40,004
You're the one
who wanted to use
450
00:17:40,005 --> 00:17:42,965
the store-bought mix instead
of making your own from scratch.
451
00:17:42,966 --> 00:17:44,046
So go back and
get me another mix.
452
00:17:44,047 --> 00:17:46,974
I used the mix because
I don't know how to make my own.
453
00:17:46,975 --> 00:17:47,977
No one ever taught me.
454
00:17:47,978 --> 00:17:49,014
No one taught me how to bake.
455
00:17:49,015 --> 00:17:50,973
No one taught me
how to use tampons.
456
00:17:50,974 --> 00:17:52,004
No one taught me anything.
457
00:17:52,005 --> 00:17:54,957
You still think I should
send my mom a better gift?
458
00:17:54,958 --> 00:17:58,965
And no one taught you
how to check out, either.
459
00:17:58,966 --> 00:18:00,974
I'm going.
460
00:18:00,975 --> 00:18:02,007
Max.
461
00:18:02,008 --> 00:18:03,994
You need to get another mix,
now don't ya?
462
00:18:03,995 --> 00:18:05,979
I'll go get it,
won't take a minute.
463
00:18:07,016 --> 00:18:11,016
Who's the queen now?
464
00:18:14,016 --> 00:18:15,982
Hey, my dude.
465
00:18:15,983 --> 00:18:18,049
Look at you
and your fancy coat.
466
00:18:18,050 --> 00:18:21,032
Retirement looks good on you.
467
00:18:21,033 --> 00:18:22,999
Told you I'd come by
to see you.
468
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:24,054
Hooked you up
with some carrots.
469
00:18:24,055 --> 00:18:29,011
Bugs Bunny status,
like I know you like.
470
00:18:29,012 --> 00:18:31,049
I, uh, I don't know
if you got my text.
471
00:18:31,050 --> 00:18:34,982
Probably not a great
signal in here, but...
472
00:18:34,983 --> 00:18:36,041
your mom might
be a little late.
473
00:18:36,042 --> 00:18:40,028
She's coming though 'cause I
know she's dying to see you.
474
00:18:40,029 --> 00:18:41,037
All right, man,
who am I kidding?
475
00:18:41,038 --> 00:18:43,999
She's not coming.
476
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:45,004
I know that's hard to hear,
477
00:18:45,005 --> 00:18:47,011
and trust me,
mothers not showing up,
478
00:18:47,012 --> 00:18:48,012
I've been there.
479
00:18:48,013 --> 00:18:50,036
But, I know wherever she is,
480
00:18:50,037 --> 00:18:52,990
she is
thinking of you.
481
00:18:52,991 --> 00:18:53,996
Okay, that's not true either.
482
00:18:53,997 --> 00:18:56,007
Here's the thing.
483
00:18:56,008 --> 00:18:57,957
Your mom is a flake.
484
00:18:57,958 --> 00:18:58,983
And you got two options,
485
00:18:58,984 --> 00:19:01,007
you can sit around
feeling sorry for yourself
486
00:19:01,008 --> 00:19:03,957
or you can say,
"hey, my mom's not here.
487
00:19:03,958 --> 00:19:06,015
"I can watch tv all day
and then go kick in
488
00:19:06,016 --> 00:19:09,003
a neighbor's window
because I feel like it."
489
00:19:09,004 --> 00:19:10,015
Hey.
490
00:19:10,016 --> 00:19:11,957
Hey, look at me.
491
00:19:11,958 --> 00:19:13,999
The fact that she's
not here is not your fault.
492
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,007
It's hers.
493
00:19:16,008 --> 00:19:17,029
There, I just saved you, like,
494
00:19:17,030 --> 00:19:20,029
14 inappropriate
sexual encounters.
495
00:19:22,958 --> 00:19:23,957
Hi.
496
00:19:23,958 --> 00:19:25,024
Hey.
497
00:19:25,025 --> 00:19:27,032
Hi, Chestnut!
498
00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:29,003
Hi, baby.
499
00:19:29,004 --> 00:19:30,965
Aw...
500
00:19:30,966 --> 00:19:32,007
I missed you.
501
00:19:32,008 --> 00:19:33,965
I missed you so much.
502
00:19:33,966 --> 00:19:35,025
Did you miss me?
503
00:19:35,026 --> 00:19:36,978
So you got
all the cake mix?
504
00:19:36,979 --> 00:19:39,019
Yes, plus the $23.
505
00:19:39,020 --> 00:19:41,032
And I got you your
Pillsbury as well.
506
00:19:41,033 --> 00:19:43,003
Paid full price--
it killed me.
507
00:19:43,004 --> 00:19:45,024
You are a freak
with the coupons.
508
00:19:45,025 --> 00:19:46,032
I know.
509
00:19:46,033 --> 00:19:48,007
I don't know
what came over me.
510
00:19:48,008 --> 00:19:49,962
When I found a way
to make free money
511
00:19:49,963 --> 00:19:51,999
I forgot about everyone else.
512
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:53,028
Oh, my God.
513
00:19:53,029 --> 00:19:54,990
Like my father.
514
00:19:54,991 --> 00:19:57,007
Max, I have Ponzi DNA.
515
00:19:57,008 --> 00:20:01,011
Yeah, cou-Ponzi DNA.
516
00:20:01,012 --> 00:20:03,054
Must have been hard learning
to do everything on your own.
517
00:20:03,055 --> 00:20:05,965
I mean, I don't know how to
do any of that stuff either,
518
00:20:05,966 --> 00:20:07,033
but, I had a staff of 20.
519
00:20:07,034 --> 00:20:11,003
Yeah, I got staph at 20.
520
00:20:11,004 --> 00:20:13,990
You know, you may think
your secret ingredient
521
00:20:13,991 --> 00:20:15,995
is a spoonful of Pillsbury,
522
00:20:15,996 --> 00:20:17,011
but it's not.
523
00:20:17,012 --> 00:20:18,024
It's you.
524
00:20:18,025 --> 00:20:19,977
It's everything
you've been through
525
00:20:19,978 --> 00:20:21,004
that makes you who you are.
526
00:20:21,005 --> 00:20:23,040
Someone who fights
for a box of tampons
527
00:20:23,041 --> 00:20:25,015
and fights for
a horse's feelings
528
00:20:25,016 --> 00:20:27,032
and even fights
for a box of cake mix
529
00:20:27,033 --> 00:20:31,961
when a friend in the middle of a
cue-Ponzi panic, asks her to.
530
00:20:31,962 --> 00:20:33,965
This is the part in the
lifetime movie version
531
00:20:33,966 --> 00:20:37,036
where I get up to pee.
532
00:20:37,037 --> 00:20:38,962
I don't know who
you're kidding.
533
00:20:38,963 --> 00:20:41,011
You watch the entire movie
and then you cry.
534
00:20:41,012 --> 00:20:42,033
Listen to her, Chestnut.
535
00:20:42,034 --> 00:20:44,978
She thinks she has me
all figured out.
536
00:20:44,979 --> 00:20:47,000
What she doesn't know is that
when it comes to the cupcakes,
537
00:20:47,001 --> 00:20:50,003
I have another secret,
secret ingredient.
538
00:20:50,004 --> 00:20:51,991
Oh, don't tell me it's
a pinch of Betty Crocker.
539
00:20:51,992 --> 00:20:55,961
I can't tell you.
It's a secret ingredient.
540
00:20:55,962 --> 00:20:58,957
Okay, it's chocolate
methamphetamine.
541
00:20:58,958 --> 00:20:59,965
No, it's true.
542
00:20:59,966 --> 00:21:00,964
Our slogan should be:
543
00:21:00,965 --> 00:21:01,966
They're so good,
544
00:21:01,967 --> 00:21:03,966
you'll rob your grandmother.
38572
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