All language subtitles for 2.Broke.Girls.S01E10.And.the.Very.Christmas.Thanksgiving.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.DD5.1.h-264-BTN.eng

Oh, you look pretty sharp tonight, Earl.

Going somewhere special?

Max, i am free black and 75.

Who knows what the night will bring?

Well, here's a twenty.

Can you break this the way you just
broke my heart?

Pop-pop.

Look at all this.

People really tipped us well tonight.

Yeah, well, don't get used to it.

Thanksgiving is almost here,
and as soon as people realize

how much money
they have to spend

on holiday gifts,
their wallets snap tighter

than Kim Kardashian's legs
after the wedding check cleared.

I've always loved
this time of year--

spiced pumpkin lattes,
bringing my winter furs out,

then bringing my winter furs

to the dry cleaner's
to get the red peta paint out.

For me, it was jumping
into a pile of leaves

and finding a used condom.

What's up,
children of the corn?

I will stay tonight
and decorate diner

for American holiday
of Thanksgiving.

Wow. I'm surprised you got
the right holiday decorations.

Last month, you put out
Easter bunnies for Yom Kippur.

So many Jewish holidays,
I cannot Wikipedia them all.

What, like I don't got a life?

My father and I had
a very special

Thanksgiving tradition
every year.

Oh, let me guess.

You'd fly someplace like
the Bahamas, lay by the pool,

and he'd light other people's
stolen money on fire?

No. We'd rent out
the Waldorf Astoria ballrooms

and feed the homeless.

Don't look at me right now.

And after, we'd fly down
to our home in St. Barts

for two weeks.

Okay, you can look at me again.

I stayed
at the Waldorf Astoria once--

For that money,
it should eat me first.

Okay, ready to go?

Han, if you'd really like
to do something in the diner

to honor the spirit
of Thanksgiving,

you can open your doors
and feed the homeless.

Yeah, put your money
where your cornstalk is.

Caroline and I
will work for free.

Isn't it enough that
when I see them on the street,

I smile and pretend
to fumble for change?

No, it isn't.

You can afford to open
the diner for one night.

You can't put a price tag on
those kind of emotional rewards.

Yes, I can.
$18 for 16-pound turkey,

and I will need many of them.

There--price tag.

Here, I will pay for turkeys.

Jeez, dude,
where'd you get that?

I sell cigarettes
from New Hampshire

to schoolkids in New York.

It is a good profit
and beautiful drive.

I love the leaves.

All right.

I'm feeling y'all.
I'll bring the pie.

My mother used to make
the best chocolate pie.

I remember one time
she got so mad

at this white woman
she worked for,

she took this chocolate pie
into the bathroom--

No, hold up.
That was from the help.

I know it's not Burberry
like we're used to,

but I'm telling you,
used moving blankets

are gonna be in this year.

Who's a trendsetter?

We're really lucky
November is so warm.

Another thing I'm giving
thanks for this Thanksgiving--

global warming.

I think the three remaining
polar bears would disagree.

Max, it's time
to teach me how to bake.

Okay, well,
if we're doing that,

first I have to go get baked.

I'm serious.

It's the beginning
of the holiday season,

and with all the potential
Christmas cupcakes

and festive gift baskets,

you're gonna need
as much help as you can get.

Festive holiday gift baskets?

No way.

I'm not into all that crap.

Oh, no. Are you gonna be
one of those,

"I am too cool to believe
in the wonders of Christmas"

type of bitches?

I am so many types of bitches,

I've lost count.

And the only wonder of Christmas
I'm aware of is...

I wonder how you're gonna
keep up that attitude

through Christmas this year.

Why, because this is my first
holiday without any money?

Uh, yeah.

Money isn't what makes

the holidays special, Max.

Uh, yeah.

The holidays
are totally about money.

It's about spending money
to buy things

to stuff into
the giant black sucking hole

in the center of each of us
that reminds us

life is hard and then we die.

And that's my Christmas card.

Max, I'm aware this holiday
season will be challenging,

will I miss my 20-foot
Christmas tree

decorated by ten gay men? Yes.

Will I miss those ten gay men

outing my cousin Steven
before he was ready? No.

My holiday spirit
is bigger than my money.

So come on,
teach me how to bake.

We only have a couple weeks.

Fine. Pour a cup of milk
into the mixer.

This will be fun.

When I was little, I used
to make my father cakes

in my easy-bake oven.

My easy-bake oven
was repossessed.

So, um, speaking of your father,
are you doing okay?

I mean, this is
a hard time of year

for people who have feelings,
and just...

With your father in prison,
how are you doing?

I'm doing great.

I actually just found out
that since it's Thanksgiving,

they're allowing me to come
see him for the first time.

Well, that excitement
will probably taper off

after the full-body
cavity search.

I don't know. I might like it.

It's been a while since
I've had any cavities searched.

All right. Pour the milk, slut.

One cup milk.

There, how's that?

Good.

Now into the mixer.

There, how was that?

Uh-uh. We're not playing

"Rich girl gets a trophy every
time she does something normal"

Just cover the bowl
with the towel

so it doesn't splash out,
and turn it on.

Oh, it's not plugged in.

Oh. Right.

No, not without the towel!

Christmas comes
but once a year,

and I think it just did.

Wow. These high-end mixers
are a lot of money.

I thought if we came
to a big department store,

there'd be a lot of them,
and the prices would be better.

We can't afford these.

How much did you
think they'd be?

I don't know.

I guess I'm not used
to looking at prices.

I usually just point,
pout, and it's purchased.

Yeah, I had a version
of that, only it was more like,

point, and when
they look the other way,

stuff steaks
down your pants and run.

Come on, there has to be
a mixer here we can afford.

There is.

Here.

A $5 spoon?
That's what we can afford?

Yeah, if we put it on layaway,
work hard for a few years.

I'm used to being poor
around your stuff,

but not around stuff
that I want.

What happened to all your
"money's not important"

holiday spirit now?

Max, it feels like you want me

to be depressed
about the holidays.

No, no. I'm just saying
that it's okay for you

not to be all up
and everything around me

if you're not feeling it.

It's all right
to let your dark side out.

Come to the dark side.

Oh, my God.

Look, they're hiring elves.

Why would I go to the dark side

when I could go to Santaworld?

Let's go get in line.
I've always loved Santaworld.

Me too,
as a David Sedaris story,

not as an actual
real-life option.

Come on.

If we get hired, we could use
our employee discount

to get one of the really
good cake mixers.

And then it'd be like
it came from Santa!

Come on, Max,
we'd be great elves.

I have the holiday spirit.
You're great with kids.

And we're both
so desperate for money,

we'll wear
other people's tights.

Max, I've been coming
to this store at Christmastime

with my father
since I was little.

I'd get all dressed up in
my fanciest winter coat and hat

and then stand
in line to see Santa

with my hands in my muff.

And they didn't throw you out?

There is nothing Christmas-y
about this hallway.

It looks like the place
Santa sends promiscuous elves

to get the results
of their S.T.D. test.

Okay, that's
the kind of comment

that almost got us knocked
out of the first round.

You're lucky
I edited your application.

Why, what was so bad?

You requested to work
in Santa's sex toy shop.

Max, that's not even a thing.

Tell that to my
candy-cane-shaped vibrator.

Max!

I call it "Santa's big helper."

Please try and get
into the holiday spirit.

I know. If we get hired,

we'll go right home and watch
Miracle on 34th Sstreet.

It'll be a miracle
on 34th Street

if we make it out of the bottom
of this slave ship

without elf scurvy.

Hi.

I couldn't help but overhear you
mention Miracle on 34th Street.

That's my absolute favorite
Christmas movie.

Mine too!

My second favorite
is it's a wonderful life.

Mine too!

I've got Schindler's List
on Blu-Ray.

- Hi. I'm Mary.
- I'm Caroline.

Hi. I'm Mary.

It's cool.
We don't need to talk.

That's Max. She's kind of
a Grinch about Christmas.

Oh, like my brother Patrick--

He's always teasing me
about loving Christmas.

He calls me "Mary Christmas."

Get it?

It's 'cause my name is Mary.

I can't help it.

It's my favorite time of year.

- Mine too.
- Yo.

Disconnect
before it's too late.

Don't be so cynical.

Especially Christmas eve.

It's an O'Brien
family tradition.

All seven of my sisters
and brothers--

we line up on the staircase
in our brand-new Christmas PJs

and have our picture taken.

Bitch is 30.

It's my father.

Hi, daddy. You'll never guess
where I am right now--

applying for a job
at Santaworld.

No, it's not depressing at all.

The man's in prison, and he
thinks this is depressing.

Oh. Are you sure?

It's really not that far.

Okay. If that's what you want.

Call me on Thanksgiving.
Love you.

He thought about it
and doesn't want me to come.

He said he can't face
having me see him in there.

- You okay?
- Fine.

Quiet, please, people.
I have an announcement.

Everyone in this corridor
has been chosen to be an elf.

Mazel.

Yay, we're elves.

Report to work at 3:00 A.M.
the morning of Black Friday.

Ooh!

This is so exciting!

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la ♪

Okay, well...

- I'll see you both then.
- Okay, Mary.

Great, 3:00 A.M.--

you, me,
and definitely-a-Virgin-Mary.

Good night. Get home safely.

Ooh. Maybe I should not
have said that to homeless.

That is it.

2:00 A.M.--
Freebie Thanksgiving dinner

is now officially over.

According to my calculations,

we served over
300 turkey dinners

and only had two knife fights.

Thank you, Caroline.

This experience taught me
that rich or poor,

home or homeless,
we are all the same.

Wait. Where's my wallet?

They took my wallet,
those dirty sons of--

Oh, here it is.

Yes, we are all the same.

Well, I have two things to say.

First of all,
I'm incredibly proud of us

for spreading the spirit
of Thanksgiving together.

And secondly, someone left
an adult diaper in this booth,

and I am not dealing with that.

What's with the sad face?

You saw the bathroom?

It's just--even though
we fed the homeless,

it doesn't feel like
Thanksgiving without my father.

But you made a lot
of people happy here tonight,

and you should feel
pretty good about that.

- Yes, I do.
- Come on, elf.

We better clear these tables.

We have to be at Santaland
in an hour.

Why you have to be there
in the middle of the night?

Because it's Black Friday,
and the doors open at 5:00 A.M.

Yeah, we want to be there
right on time

to see the first person
trampled to death by UGGs.

We have to work

all night and then
all day tomorrow.

- How are we gonna do this?
- I got the answer right here.

Max, I'm not doing cocaine.

If we could afford cocaine,
we could afford a mixer.

Nine-hour energy shots,
aka elf juice.

I've never done these.
Do they work?

Millions of
wired-off-their-asses

college students
can't be wrong.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Did you just drink
that whole thing?

Yeah, why?

Nothing.

I'm sure it's not too much.

They suggest sipping it, but...

Who are they?

All right, we'd better go.

We got to go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go.

Oh, you should've sipped it.

How do I look?

Because I kind of feel like
I look like a North Pole dancer.

You actually look cute.
You look good in red...

And green--
red and green together.

You can pull off anything.
You're so beautiful.

- I don't tell you that enough.
- Whoa!

Whoa, slow down, speed racer.

I know. I can't stop talking.

What was in that stuff
you gave me?

I don't know.
The ingredients are in Spanish.

Well, my corazon
is beating muy rapido.

Okay, and why aren't you
in your elf costume yet?

Because I was talking
to those people over there,

and there's a chance--
a slight chance, but a chance--

I could get moved to the
strolling Christmas carolers.

I overheard their ethnic mix
is short a token blond.

And I'm blond, baby!

Forget it. You got me into
the underbelly of the elf beast,

and you are not bailing on me.

But those period costumes
are so much prettier.

I will knock you from here

to Rudolph's house
if you abandon me.

We are in this together.
Now go get your bells on.

Okay, I didn't want
to tell you this

because it's, well, gross,
but the last elf

who had the tights they gave me,
well, let's just say

her little lady elf friend
visited unexpectedly.

Ew.
Talk about a period costume.

You're right. It's disgusting.

I can't do this anymore.

I'm leaving. I don't want
to do this anymore.

I feel tired and wired
at the same time.

This was an awful, awful,
awful, awful, awful idea!

All right, calm down!

Jeez, you're like
a Christmas crack monkey.

Look, we are not going
anywhere, okay?

You got me all elfed up,
and now we need these jobs.

So just go talk to someone

and tell them why you need
a new pair of tights.

I can't. It's embarrassing.

Look, either you ask her,
or you rip out the crotch

and risk showing six-year-olds
your winter wonderland.

Now I'm sad.

You, the one
with the dark hair,

- I need you to come with me.
- Where?

And is there
a drug test involved?

Change of plans.
I need for you to be Mrs. Claus.

The other one had to leave--
blamed menopause.

Menopause, please.

I had my uterus yanked out
on my lunch hour,

and I was back
at my desk by 2:00.

Follow me...

Unless, uh, you don't want
that extra $2 an hour.

Oh, no. You are not leaving
me here alone

when I'm crashing on elf juice.

If I can't be
an old-timey singer,

you can't be Mrs. Claus.

Well, I'm sorry,
but I'm throwing you

under the sled, sister.

That extra $2 an hour
will bring us closer

to the really good mixer.

And the way my life is going,
this might be my only chance

to be married to a rich guy.

I'd double-check those tights
if I were you.

Ugh.

These tights suck.

Hi. Hi, elf.

I just got assigned to the front
of the line with you.

Oh, crap.

It's me, Mary.

"Mary Christmas."
You know, like...

- My brother Patrick always says.
- Yeah, you said that.

Look at how cute
we look...Jingles!

I just named you Jingles.

Get it?
'Cause of all your bells.

Oh, listen...

Ah, this is my number-one
favorite Christmas song.

Ooh! What's your favorite
Christmas song?

Silent night. Get it?
'Cause I want you to be silent.

What's the matter with you?

You're acting like an elfhole.

Oh, hello, children!

Who's next to see
my husband, Santa?

I am so mad at you right now.

Oh-ho-ho!

Uh, hold on, children.

Mrs. Claus is just
having an issue

with one of her elf employees.

What are you doing?
What's wrong with you?

You abandon me on Christmas

the day after my father
abandons me on Thanksgiving?

You have balls.

Christmas balls...

Like on Santa's tree...

Or a Hanukkah bush.

Look, I've got
my own problems, okay?

Santa is kind of hands-y.

And you leave me here
with this one

when I'm coming down
the bad side

of nine-hour energy mountain?

I don't know what's
at the bottom, but so far,

not the miracle on 34th Street
I was hoping for.

- Well, elf--
- Her name is Jingles.

One more word, Mary, seriously.

Listen, Bipolar Express,

you need to jingle
all the way up that mountain,

because all these kids
are looking at us.

Hello!

- You got your list for Santa?
- Yep. Got it right here.

Well, he's waiting for you,
so go right ahead in.

- Yay, let's go!
- Hi.

Oh, you look so pretty
in your hat and your coat.

Thank you very much.

I used to have
a coat like that.

But she gave it to a reindeer
because he was very cold.

Oh, you have your list
for Santa?

Let's see what you want.

- Ooh, a pretty doll...
- Had it.

- An easy-bake oven...
- Had it.

- A Barbie dream house.
- Oh, had that, too.

Had all those things,
and now I have nothing--

- nothing to stick in my big hole.
- Okay.

- Jingles, what are you doing?
- Tell them, Max.

No, no. I'm not Max.
I'm Mrs. Claus--

Mrs. Beyonce Claus--

and I'm married to Santa.

No, tell them
what you told me--

that it's all just stuff we buy
to stick in our big holes.

I've been married for 50 years.

I don't even think
about holes anymore.

Why is she talking
to children about holes?

- I'll get her.
- Okay.

- Caroline--
- No, Max, you were right.

They should know the truth.

Mrs. Claus, have a little,
uh, elf control.

Jingles, come into
my little house.

No, Max. They should know.

There is no
miracle on 34th Street,

and it's not such a
wonderful life.

If it were,
I wouldn't be standing here

in crotchless tights
in the middle of Santaland,

with a father in prison,
too broke to buy a mixer.

Stop it, you're gonna
ruin Christmas.

Christmas is all about money.

If you want stuff from Santa,
you got to buy it,

because there is no--

Merry Christmas!

Get her out of here now.

And you, put your
knees together!

I hope I didn't ruin Christmas

- for all those sweet children.
- No, you didn't.

All they saw was
a crotchless elf freaking out.

But "Mary Christmas"
will never recover.

They'll find her in her
studio apartment in two weeks

hung from the chimney
with care.

Well, this is all
kind of your fault.

You told me to come
to the dark side.

I just told you to get
in touch with your feelings.

I didn't think you'd turn
into Darth Caroline.

Once I went there,
I couldn't get back.

Yeah, and chugging
that elf juice didn't help.

It wasn't just the drink.

Before those presents
came crashing down on me,

reality did.

I have no money
and a father in prison

who didn't even want to see me
on Thanksgiving.

Yeah, well, there are a lot of
people way worse off than you.

Yes, your father's in prison,

but at least you have one
and you know where he is.

And you have a home and a job.

And you have a freaking horse.

So...

Happy holidays.
It is a wonderful life.

You're right. I am so lucky.

Well, since right now is the
closest to the Christmas spirit

we're probably gonna get,

Santa wanted me to give you
your Christmas present now.

It's our new mixer.

We're gonna old-school it.

Aw, you spooned me.

I feel bad.
I didn't get you anything.

Max, you got me everything.

Before you, I was living
on a subway, and now look...

I'm living near a subway.

So did you buy this?

No, it's from Santa.

Jingles, did you steal this?

Yeah.

I grabbed it
when they were throwing us out.

Wow, Caroline Channing.

You keep this up, and you won't
have to ask permission

to visit your father in prison.

But I did give $2
of our cupcake-fund money

to the Salvation Army Santa.

So God bless us, everyone!
It's a wonderful life!

It's times like this
I really miss Darth Caroline.