All language subtitles for 2.Broke.Girls.S01E09.And.the.Really.Petty.Cash.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.DD5.1.h-264-BTN.eng

Max.

It's the woman at table 2's 50th birthday
and her husband wants us to sing to her.

If I had a dollar every time a man
asked me to do something to his wife,

I'd be a millionaire.

I remember when
Happy Birthday first came up.

I never thought it would catch on.

Go!

And smile.

When you fake smile,

everybody else fakes smile back.

Nobody wants to hear that lame song.

If we want to humiliate her in public, why
don't we go over there and pull her top down?

Come on, let's just go sing
and make the best of it.

Ready?

One, two, three...

♪ Happy birthday to you...♪

Whoa!

I apologize.

It's hard enough your husband took you
to a diner on your birthday

and now you have to listen to white Mariah?

No!

Happy ***.

♪ To yoooooooou ♪

I have announcement to make.

I agree with what Max said before.

What? That we should tie
a little bell around you,

so we know when you're near?

The diner needs a fresh, new way

to celebrate the customer birthday.

So I just went
and wrote a special song.

Han, I'd be happy to look
at what you've written so far.

I took music theory in college.

I once wrote
an entire original musical

based on the French revolution.

Um, sorry to step on your nerd turf,

but Les Mis is already a musical
about the French revolution.

Yes, but mine was from
the point of view of the rich.

What are you going
to rewrite next--

the musical rent from the point
of view of the landlord?

Han, this is
a lovely start, but--

But not good enough.

I know what you are saying.

"You need to practice more, Han.

"You never will be
as good as your sister, Han.

"Whole family going on vacation

without you
while you practice, Han."

Back off, tiger mom!

Hey, Caroline, is Max around?

Um, she might be.
I'll go check.

You'll never guess who
just came into the restaurant.

You'll be very happy.

Gary, the fat guy from teen mom?

Someone you like,
someone you want to kiss,

someone you're hot for.

Tyler, the skinny guy from teen mom?

What's Johnny doing here?

I told him not
to show his face unless--

Unless he broke up
with his girlfriend.

And now he's here, showing his face,

- which means--
- You can't know that for sure.

Fine. Tell me one other reason
he could possibly be in here.

He needs Han to solve
a complex math problem?

Max!

Max, it's pretty obvious
that he's in here

because he broke up
with his girlfriend "Cassandra"

I mean, what else could it be?

When I had millions of dollars,

I had no idea
why guys were coming to see me.

"Do they want me,
or do they want my money?"

But you have nothing!

So basically that just leaves you.

Way to puff me up
before I go through that door.

This is so exciting.

Will you stop?
Don't be such a girl.

Hair? Teeth? Anything?

You're good.

Wait.

More.

- Really?
- Trust me.

Oh, uh, hey, Johnny.
When did you get here?

Uh, just now.

I, uh--I came here

because I want to tell you something.

Yes?

Max, I think you and I
have something special.

And I don't want to lose that.

So I came down here to ask...

Even though it didn't work out,

can we still be friends?

- Oh.
- What?

You have got to be kidding!

Oh.

What's going on over there, Caroline?

My friend Johnny and I have no idea

what you're upset about.

I was just reacting to the
news that we're out of pie.

I really cannot believe it.

I totally thought it would go
a different way.

Caroline...

Why don't you go over there
to the pie carrousel

and mourn the loss of our pie?

So, we're cool?

Yeah, we're cool.
Why wouldn't we be?

We never dated or anything like that.

Of course we're friends.

I am so relieved.

So, uh, you gonna go back

to busting my balls, like always?

Yes.

We're such good friends,
I might just...

Bust them with my feet!

Good morning.

I'm trying to send out
a get-to-know-us email blast

for the cupcake business.

But your wi-fi is so slow.

Don't tell me--
tell cathyhome17,

whoever and wherever she is.

Okay, well, I'm just going

to run down to the coffee place
and send it.

Do you approve?

Nice job.
The font's pretty.

You just gave me a compliment?

I knew it--
you're depressed.

You're so depressed

about you and Johnny
just being friends,

you don't even have the energy
to be you.

What?
The font is pretty.

Oh, honey, do you want a hug?

- I'm fine.
- How could you be fine?

The man was so into you,

he painted a billboard
of the two of you kissing.

And now he just wants to be friends?

Please call in sick
to your babysitting job

and take to the bed.

Whenever I used to get depressed,

I'd take to the bed.

One time, I took to the bed
for a week.

Listen, unlike you, Jane Austen,

I will never take to the bed.

Giving into feelings
is for rich people.

Regular people just have to get up,

get drunk, and go fulfill
their babysitting duties.

Max, take to the bed.

Look, this is my pattern, okay?

I fall for the wrong guy,

I find out they're with a girl,
a bottle, or a needle,

and I move on.

And sometimes I use a bottle
to help me do it...

Or a needle or a girl.

But when I'm done, I'm done.

That's it?

You're just over it?

Wow.

I'm still sad because
Kyle Enright didn't invite me

on his private jet to Mykonos
for his 12th birthday.

Well, not me.

Just flip a switch
and those feelings are gone.

I only have two switches
in my life--

one turns off my emotions,

the other makes a car bounce.

Okay, I better go.

If you get there after 10:30,
you can't hear yourself think

over the sounds of people
skyping to the Philippines.

Max, are you sure you're all right?

Max.

Are you about to come
over here and soft-touch me?

- I want to so bad.
- Leave!

Go to the coffee place.
Soft-touch the barista.

Excuse me, miss.

You keep your door open like that,

this rat's probably
going to get inside.

Don't worry. You should see
the size of my cat.

What are you doing here?

I knew you'd be home for another hour,

so I brought you coffee.

And I wanted to say...

Thanks for understanding
the situation.

Hey, you don't need to get all

"Hallmark presents:
Johnny Soft Eyes" on me.

Okay?
You're not my type, anyway.

You're a bartender
who's close to liquor all night

and your not an alcoholic.

So clearly you don't know
how to seize an opportunity.

Yes, I do.

This is where you join
in birthday song

with your sweet-ass saxophone.

Han, I like you, brother,

but I played with everyone

from Marvin Gaye to the gay Marvins.

They never made it--a little bit
ahead of their time.

But if you don't mind
a professional opinion, man,

you've got to put some heart
into this thing.

But my mother always say
to run away from heart--

only the head can make music.

Han, your mother sounds
like one cold--

Don't you talk about my mama!

Hey, Earl.
What's up?

I just got threatened

by a man who gets carded
at Pixar movies.

Max, great news--

that email blast I sent out
this morning worked.

I just got us a big cupcake job

at some event place
called the gold space loft.

Last time I was
at the gold space loft,

I went to a poetry slam,
and I wound up slamming a poet.

They need 100 cupcakes
by tomorrow night.

And because I'm a genius,

and also because
it's such short notice--

but mostly
because I'm a genius--

I got them up to $500.

It's a cool
group art show--

very Williamsburg, very pot brownie.

And Johnny has a piece in it.

And since you flipped your switch,

I figured it'd be fine.

No way. I can't make
100 cupcakes in a day.

Max, I know it's a lot of work,

but I'll do whatever I can to help.

This is a really big
opportunity for us.

I kissed Johnny.

What? When?

He came by the apartment
right after you left.

I was only gone 20 minutes.

What'd you do--shine
a bat symbol on your vagina?

Stop acting like
I wanted it to happen.

I didn't want it to happen.
I'm lucky we just kissed.

My pants kept saying,
"Take me off!"

And I'm like,
"No, pants."

I'm telling you,
I almost couldn't help myself.

I don't understand.

I thought you said
you were done with him.

What happened to your pattern?

Telling people I have a
pattern is part of the pattern.

Then I just go and do whatever I want.

I knew it, it thought it,
I should have said it--

girls cannot be friends with guys.

Yeah, well, you also knew
he was coming in here

to tell me he broke up
with his girlfriend.

So you can suck it.

Did he say he was going
to break up with her?

We didn't get into it.

We weren't really using
our mouths for talking.

What do you think's going to happen?

I don't know.

All I know is it's not going
to happen at a public art show

in front of him
and his beautiful, cool

British girlfriend.

Max, you don't even have to see them.

We'll get there early,
we'll drop off the cupcakes,

and be gone before any
of the artists even show up.

Great.
I'm going home tonight

after my ten-hour
waitress shift,

to stay up all night
and bake 100 cupcakes

for a guy I kissed
who has a girlfriend.

Beep.

Ooh, what's that?
My self-esteem just flatlined.

Yeah, it's this way.

I smell patchouli and pretension.

Why are you walking so slow?

Because I'm carrying
our cupcake future,

and I don't want half
of our future's frosting

to be on top of the box.

Relax.
We still have time.

Oh, hello.

Welcome to space blast art attack.

The gallery won't be open
for, like, an hour.

Actually, we're here
delivering the cupcakes.

We're looking for someone
named Traivor.

And I'm looking for Traivor's mom,

to ask her why
she named a person Traivor.

Traive!

You girls can set up inside.

He's the one
with the super-tall hat.

I love galleries.

My father and I had an art foundation.

We taught blind kids
how to do ceramics.

Why didn't you just buy them eyes?

Let's put them here.

This art show is ridiculous--

someone named Traivor,

a dreamcatcher
with buzzwords stuck in it.

And you.

Why would he hang that picture of us

if he still has a girlfriend?

Maybe he went home
and broke up with her

after he kissed you.

The writing is literally on the wall.

Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not falling for you again.

Let's just get our money and go.

Oh, uh...

Grown lady dressed like a doll,

we can't find tall hat,

and we need to get paid
for the cupcakes and leave.

Leave?
What are you talking about.

- You're serving the cupcakes.
- Pardon?

Well, why do you think we're
paying you $500 for cupcakes?

Because my friend's a genius.

This is new information.

We need to talk to someone.
Traive!

Oh, no. Traive is busy
installing his ice penis.

I could get someone else
on the show committee to help.

Cashandra!

What's his girlfriend doing here?

- Oh, God!

What if soft eyes wussed out
and told her what happened?

- Does she look mad?
- No, she looks amazing.

Max, hello.

We met that one time on the street.

Cashandra, Johnny's girlfriend.

Oh, hi, hi.
I'm Johnny's friend.

We're just friends.

Hi, "Cassandra."
I'm Caroline.

I was with Max on the street.

And all day yesterday.

We were together every minute.

It's Cash-andra, actually.

But everyone calls me Cash.

And you're Max's
business partner, right?

Yeah, but she makes her own decisions.

Right. Well, let's just
get to it, shall we?

I'm a bleeder.

It's brilliant it all worked out

- with the cupcakes.
- Excuse me?

Well, I told Traive
to hire you for the show.

Johnny cannot stop talking
about your cupcakes, Max.

"Max's cupcakes are so moist."

"Max's cupcakes are delicious."

He loves your cupcakes.

Yeah, yeah.

But just like in a casual way.

I mean, he barely even touched them.

So, um, I'm a bit busy
getting ready for the show.

Why don't you put your little
cupcakes on these trays,

and when people start coming in,
circulate, right?

Circulate, girls, circulate.

Well, that wasn't uncomfortable.

Come on, let's bolt
before Johnny gets here,

while I at least have
a shred of my dignity.

We can't just bail out
of our first big job.

If we do,
people will think we're flakes.

And that'll spread faster
through Williamsburg

than knit hats and herpes.

Hey, you ladies know
where the wine goes?

- Oh--
- Right here.

Yeah.

No! Just, uh, not the wine.
The wine's mine.

Just serving cupcakes.

I've been listening in on Cashandra

and her girlfriends' conversations,

and I don't think she knows
anything happened

between you two.

I also learned she's a dancer,

her lip gloss is from Kiehl's,

and she's school chums with Adele.

Not the Adele.

Damn it!
Could she be any cooler?

I want her to be my girlfriend.

I wouldn't break up with her for me.

Hi. I'm here.

Great. I was hoping
tonight would get weirder.

I had no idea.

She did it to surprise me.

And she did--
I'm surprised.

I am so sorry.

You have a girlfriend.
Why are you kissing Max?

You told her?

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Would the more subtle way
be to paint a picture

and hang it on the wall
for all to see?

Are you insane?

Could we have a moment, please?

Fine.

I'll be over there near the ice penis.

Look, I am so sorry.

If I had known Cash was going
to ask you to do all of this,

I would have told you.

And why would you choose to hang that?

'Cause it's my favorite piece.

Is there any way
she could know what happened?

No.

- Oh, my God. Your lips.
- Split up.

I can smell the sex
from across the room.

No-whoa-whoa!
I need all those.

So what?
Is she still your girlfriend?

Max, it's complicated.

What, are we on Facebook?

It is complicated.

Cash and I have been together
two years,

- and when--
- Two years?

Jeez, I'm a home wrecker.

Adele will probably write
a song about me.

You're not a homewrecker.

- I am.
- Johnny!

You've got some folks.

Circulate, Max, circulate.

That's it.
This is over.

That--us on the wall--
never happens again.

I lied.
I can't be your friend.

I was trying to be cool,
but I'm not cool.

I don't know Adele.

What just happened over there?
Did he tell you

he's breaking up with his girlfriend?

No.
What's wrong with you?

You haven't been right about anything?

I told him we are done,
and that's over, okay?

They've been together two years.

And I know one thing about me--
I may pick the wrong guys,

but when I hear
another woman is involved,

I am done.

This is truly the end of my pattern.

We have to go--
I kissed Johnny again.

What?
Max, you said

you were going to the bathroom.

I did.
And so did he.

It's a unisex bathroom--

emphasis on the sex.

We have to go.

I'm a little drunk and out of control.

Traive said we won't get paid

until every single one
of the cupcakes is gone.

- So we're stuck here.
- Fine.

I shall go circulate.

No. You cannot be trusted.

Next thing I know, you'll be
doing him behind the ice penis.

I'm telling you, I am done.

You told me that five minutes ago.

Well, you told me he was breaking up

with his girlfriend three times.

So I guess we learned tonight
that you know nothing about him,

and I know nothing about me.

Cheers!

Wait for me.

Hello, girls.

Traivor told me
you were looking to get paid.

But just to be clear,
you can't actually be paid

until all the cupcakes are gone.

And do me a favor, love,

put a chocolate aside for Johnny.

He loves chocolate.

He'll eat a vanilla if it's available,

but he always goes back to chocolate.

I don't think he's going
to break up with her.

Really?

You have the accuracy rate
of a magic 8 ball.

Look at her.
She's so pretty.

And bitchy.
And...

More pretty than bitchy.

Oh, God.
She just zipped his hoodie

and fixed his hair--
that's a couple.

What they have is real.

They are a couple--
Johnny and Cash.

Oh-ho, crap!
Johnny Cash!

They're an institution.

I never had a chance.

Forget the money--
let's just go.

Mm-mmm.

We are staying till
these cupcakes are gone.

I am not leaving
with no dignity and no money.

Fine, I'll circulate
a couple more times.

Wait a minute.

They said they had to be gone,

but they didn't say
who had to make them gone.

We eat them and go!

You're doing it!
I rescued you from the gutter.

Uh, well, that's
not entirely accura--

Mm-hmm!

Mmm, mmm.

Max, wake up.

It's 3:00.

We forgot to set the alarm.

Oh, I never thought waking up in bed

with another woman
with...Frosting on my boobs,

would be this depressing.

How are you feeling
about it all today?

Do you want to talk?

- No.
- Good.

Where's your purse?

I'm going to take some
of the money we made last night

and get coffee.
And yes--

I am walking down the street
like this,

because after last night,
I am impenetrable to shame.

Wait, we don't have any money.

- Yes, we do.
- No, we don't.

We did, but we don't.

I bought something with it.

I bought this.

You carried that home?
Where was I?

Three blocks ahead of me,

telling strangers about your pattern.

I saw you and Johnny
just hanging there,

and I knew what I had to do.

So what, am I supposed
to hang that up?

No. You're supposed
to destroy it.

You need to get over him,
so you're going to kick this,

and then you're going
to kick him once and for all.

You want to break your pattern?

Start by breaking the painting.

That is a complete waste of money.

I may have been wrong about
everything else about Johnny,

but I'm right about this.
Come on.

Kick it.

I can't.

- Give me your foot.
- What?

Lift up your leg.

Yay! You did it.

Good for you!

You broke a painting
and maybe your pattern.

I really liked him.

I know.

Well?

I slept through my day job,
so what the heck?

I think I will take to the bed
or whatever.

Just for like 20 minutes.

I'll set my alarm and then I'll get up

and get ready for work.

Max, please,
I feel like we need a hug.

We just slept together!
You women are so needy.