Original subtitles

[Reba] Now, previously on Reba...

The audit went great.

You are gonna love yours.

Turns out that was more of a charity for the people who donated to it...

than it was for the poor "Caymanians."

So the charity was a scam?

"Scam," is such an ugly word.

No, it was more of an...

illegal tax shelter.

I'll be working with Mrs. Hart,

and, Dr. Hart, you'll be down the hall with Agent Phung.

But, but I thought we were gonna do this together.

I mean, you didn't separate Barbra Jean and me.

It's just our policy with divorced couples.

They're always so eager to tell on each other. [chuckles]

We owe the government $75,000.

- How did they find out? - [door opens]

Phung broke me!

[whimpering, crying]

- What? - Ow!

[groans]

When did you talk to him?

Well, you know, I was just passing him in the hallway,

and he said something about, how would I like a cup of coffee.

And I said, "Well, hey, with the amount of money we owe you,

I should buy you coffee."

[whimpering] And then, it kind of all just came out.

Barbra Jean, do you realize what you've done?

- Now we owe the government $75,000. - [whimpers]

Why are you blaming her?

You're the one that lied in the first place.

- Yeah. - Ow.

Oh, cut it out, blabbermouth.

Okay, this is not happening.

This can't be happening.

I don't have $37,000, Brock.

Uh...

Actually, your share would be 37,500...

I'm splitting hairs. You go ahead.

I'll never be able to pay my half.

I only have $18 in my purse.

I don't even know who's on the $20 bill.

You know, they just put Jack Nicklaus on the Scottish five-pound note.

What?

I'm a sucker for all things Scottish.

- Ow. - You gotta do something about this, Brock.

Why me?

Because you're the one who lied in the first place.

Then you went and married Kelly MacCan't Shut Up.

Oh.

[in Scottish accent] She with the wee little brain.

Oh, nice. Nice.

You know what, Brock,

we can't talk to her when she's like this, we should just leave.

- And quickly. - [Brock] Reba.

Hey, listen, maybe you could

take out a second mortgage on the house.

Fourth.

[Barbra Jean gasping]

Fourth? Ha.

Good God, woman, what do you do with your money?

- Oh, that's it! - [shouting]

- Reba! - [shouting]

[muttering indistinctly]

All right, look, maybe we can work out a payment plan with the IRS.

Oh, yeah, how about a dollar a year for 37,000 years,

'cause that's all I can afford.

Actually, it'd be 37,500...

Eh-eh-eh.

You know what? Just get out.

Listening to you gives me a headache.

Fine.

- Come on, Barbra Jean. - Okay.

Let's leave Reba alone.

Reba, if it makes you feel any better,

I'm disgusted with myself too.

Okay, all right, come on.

Let's not leave it like this. Come here.

Yeah?

- [grunts] - [groans]

[theme song playing]

[Reba] Hey, hey.

♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

[objects clattering]

Do you really think that you're gonna scare someone off with a lightsaber?

I will if I use the Force.

[lightsaber thrumming]

Wait a minute, Van.

When I went to sleep last night, didn't you have hair?

Yeah, I know.

You know how I like to go to bed with gum in my mouth?

Well, I'm not doin' that anymore.

[clatter]

Intruder.

[lightsaber thrumming]

Aah.

[lightsaber swooshes off]

It's Mom,

cleaning the oven at 2:00 in the morning.

Hey, maybe she's sleep cleaning.

I'm not asleep.

I gotta figure a way out of this IRS debt,

and I do my best thinking when I'm drinking...

I mean, cleaning.

Well,

is there anything that makes you wanna cook?

'Cause I think the best when I'm eatin'.

We've got big financial problems here.

We're making some cutbacks.

You ate yesterday, so, technically,

today is your day off.

Okay?

I'm also thinking about selling the car.

You're not gonna get much for your car.

Not my car, Van's car.

No.

You will not sell Rhonda.

I will see you go to prison before I let that happen.

- Hey. - [Reba, Van scream]

[yelps]

[lightsaber thrumming]

[swooshes off]

Barbra Jean, how did you get in here?

I climbed in your bedroom window.

I'm not knockin' on your door at 2:00 in the morning, Reba,

that would be rude.

Why are you even here at all?

Because Brock's decided to sell our house.

What?

He feels so guilty, he wants to pay the whole debt.

And the only way he can do that is to sell our house.

I'm losing my home, Reba.

My child is going to be without a home.

- Does Mr. H have a broker yet? - What?

Van, why would you even ask that?

[stuttering] You know, no reason. Does he?

Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait just a minute.

Brock is taking care of the whole debt with the IRS?

And I'm not gonna have you as a neighbor?

Yeah.

Isn't it awful?

It's awfully somethin'.

I know.

I mean, if I move out of this block, I'm never gonna see you anymore.

Oh, no, sure you will, Barbra Jean.

You can set up lunch twice a week.

Cheyenne, don't help me.

Barbra Jean, I don't know what you want me to do.

Reba, I want you to get Brock to change his mind.

I mean, after all, you're the one that put that awful thought

into Brock's weak and pliable brain.

No, no, no, I just told Brock to fix the problem.

His weak and pliable brain came up with the rest.

Yeah, well, I blame you.

Of course, you do, Barbra Jean.

And you know a good way to get back at her?

Use me as your Realtor.

Well, how would that get back at her?

I'll drop her.

She's dead weight to me anyway, and I been thinking about going solo.

No, you haven't.

Yes, I have.

And I don't think I can work with Mrs. H after what she's done.

- Mmm-mmm. - Well, what is it, Reba?

Do I hire your backstabbing partner, or do you help me?

I'm sorry, Barbra Jean.

[stifled laugh]

Come on, Barbra Jean.

I'm gonna find you a wonderful new home where you can feel safe.

- What's your price range? - Not much.

- Then I can't guarantee safe. - [whimpers]

Here...

let me walk you home.

- [lightsaber thrumming] - [whimpers]

Hey, Barbra Jean.

Is this a bad time?

- Well, actually, yeah. Henry was just-- - Great. Smile.

[camera shutter snaps]

Ooh. Everything's all sparkly.

- [chuckles] Ooh. - This is Jenny.

She's gonna be taking pictures for the brochure.

- Hello. - Uh, Van, wait.

Aah.

And since Jenny was gonna be here,

I figured she'd take some pictures of me working my Realtor magic.

Down here by the couch.

But, Van, Van.

[Jenny] Oh, that's nice. I like that.

[Barbra Jean] Van? Van? Van?

Van, stop.

Okay, as much as I'm enjoying the light show,

we're not gonna need to make your brochure anymore.

Sure we are.

Remember, this is how we're gonna get back at Mrs. H.

Close in.

Yeah.

But, Van, I don't wanna get back at Reba anymore.

Mmm-hmm. Got it.

Okay, Barbra Jean, don't start yelling at me.

I'm just here to help Van with his brochure.

But, Mrs. H, remember?

We're no longer in business together.

[snorts]

You guys, I'm not mad.

Last night, I had an epiphany.

Do you all know what an epiphany is?

- Is that some sort of booze? - No.

I was goin' over in my mind what happened at Reba's house,

and I said to myself,

I said, "Babby-Jay..."

That's my American Idol name, if I ever make it,

finger's crossed.

I said, "Babby-Jay,

Reba is never gonna let you move away from her."

All right, now let me explain.

Reba, how many times a day do you call me?

Zero.

And how many times a day do you come over here and pop in on me?

Never.

Now, how many times a day do I pop in on you?

Fifty.

And apparently sometimes, at night, through a window.

Exactly.

Now there's no way you would put up with that if secretly...

[sing-song] ♪ You didn't like me ♪

I think somebody needs to stop knockin' back on the epiphany.

Van, she always does this.

I get into trouble, and she pretends to be happy,

and calls me a moron and a butt, you know.

But, then, at the end of the day,

she rides in and saves me.

She's, she's like my guardian angel

with a really mean sense of humor.

Barbra Jean,

this thing is bigger than the both of us.

We're mere pawns in God's great chess game of life.

And it looks like your pawn is gonna be

way on the other side of the chess board.

Oh, okay, that's right. I'm a pawn.

All right, I'll play along, Reba.

Okay, Van,

let's go get some pictures of the bird bath for that brochure.

Okay.

Yeah, birds take baths.

Okay, let me get my pigeon loofah.

Hey, Mom. Is Dad here?

Oh, honey, I don't know. I just got here myself.

Well, would you give this to him?

These have a range of over two miles.

So I can call him when he gets to his new house.

Will do, Jake.

He's still gonna be able to coach my basketball team, right?

Oh, yeah, you bet.

And on Thursdays, we go to that diner and have waffles.

We can still do that, right?

Absolutely, honey.

It's gonna be just like when he was over at his condo.

You'll get to see him all the time.

- Cool. - Yeah.

And be sure to give him that walkie-talkie, okay?

I sure will. You bet.

Hey, did I just hear Jake?

Oh, yeah. He left that for you.

He said he wanted to be able to talk to you

when you get into your new house.

Oh.

Well, I don't think it's gonna work at my new place.

Oh, yeah, he said it has a range of over two miles.

Yeah, well, Reba, we're not gonna be moving around here.

We're moving to Las Vegas.

Hey, Dad, it's me.

Just wanted to tell you I love you.

[exhales]

[clears throat]

[deep voice] Copy that, little buddy.

Brock, get back in here. We need to talk about this.

What is it, Reba?

You can't move to Las Vegas.

Sure I can, it's one of the fastest growing cities in America.

And they need dentists,

young, ambitious dentists.

You're not even two out of three of those things.

And what about Jake?

Oh, to tell you the truth,

I think Jake would be better off without me.

That's not true. Jake still needs a father.

Does he?

You know, this whole IRS thing has made me realize...

it's just one more time that I've hurt the people I care about.

I mean, face it, Reba, I'm like a tornado.

I made a mess of my life and everyone else's life I'm close to.

I can't believe you're even considering this.

Yeah? Well, I am.

So you're tearing this family apart over money.

Brock, you're making a huge mistake.

You know what? You may be right.

But fortunately, making mistakes

seems to be the only thing that I've been good at lately.

Yeah, that and being a butt.

Stupid, stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Uh-oh, you're muttering.

Someone did something dumb.

Only your dad could take a wonderful gesture

like moving Barbra Jean away from me and wreck it.

He wants to move to Las Vegas.

- What? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He wants to move far away,

'cause he's on this kick about all the bad stuff he's done

and how he's ruined everybody else's lives.

Well, Mom, that is so not true.

Did you tell him how great he is?

Did you remind him about the good stuff that he's done?

I don't think I'm the best person for that job.

Mom?

Vegas? We have to do something.

I don't want Dad moving to Utah.

Cheyenne, Las Vegas is in Nevada.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you said Los Angeles.

[door opens]

Barbra Jean, just take a look at the property.

Van, it's a waste of time.

Reba is never gonna let this happen.

She's a stopper, remember?

Van, stop trying to sell 'em a house.

What? Why?

Because I'm gonna talk Brock into staying.

Bingo!

Nice call, Babby-Jay.

Oh.

I knew you weren't gonna let this happen.

Oh, Reba,

I wish I knew the words to "Reunited" by Peaches and Herb.

I'm not doing this for you.

I'm doing it for Jake.

Right.

For Jake.

Yeah, it's best that we leave our bond unspoken.

We'll just share a look.

Okay.

Barbra Jean,

she's serious.

Dad wants you guys to move to Vegas.

- What? - Yeah, the one in Nevada.

Mr. H can't move to Vegas.

I'm not licensed to sell houses in Vegas.

Yeah, and I can't live in Vegas.

I'm not allowed within 500 feet of Wayne Newton.

Okay.

All right.

Everybody just calm down.

Why don't we make a list of all the stuff that Brock is good at.

Then I'll take it over there,

and use that to talk him into staying.

[chuckles] Okay.

For Jake.

Right.

For Jake.

Okay. Yeah.

You're creepin' me out.

Okay, yeah.

I'm creepin' you out, okay.

Okay, good things about Brock. Go.

I've got plenty of good things to say about Brock.

You don't get to talk.

He's not moving away from you.

Cheyenne.

Pass.

"Pass?"

Well, come back to me.

I'm not, I'm not good at doing this under pressure.

- Van? - Pass.

Everybody can't pass.

Mmm.

You get to pass.

Van?

All right, look, I like Mr. H a lot.

- So let's quickly review. - Got it.

We got an affair. We got a divorce.

We got mid-life crisis.

Separation from the new wife.

Lying to the IRS.

Financial ruin.

Cheats at golf.

He's always in the bathroom when the dinner check comes.

Oddly tan.

Oh, all right. All right.

That's it. I'll just do something on my own.

He's a caring and attentive lover.

Meeting's over.

[machine humming]

Hey, Brock.

Hey.

What are you doing?

Uh. Oh.

Oh, I was just...

getting in one last tan

on my Tan Blaster 2000 before I send it back.

[Tan Blaster winding down]

I don't wanna stand out in the desert.

Really? Are there a lot of orange people in Las Vegas?

Yes.

Well, look, Brock, I was, uh,

telling the kids about what you said about the tornado

and ruining people's lives,

and, man, you, you should have heard them singing your praises.

[chuckles] Really?

- Yeah. - What'd they say?

Oh, well, what happened is they were, uh...

They were all yelling,

yelling about all the great stuff you do,

and, and talking at the same time.

I mean, it was like a love fest.

I was looking at the calendar saying,

"What is this, Brock Day?"

[both laugh]

Really? What did Cheyenne say?

Why do you push?

They couldn't think of anything, could they?

No.

But they tried.

You should have seen how hard they tried.

Doesn't that show you how much they care?

Look, I, I know they do. I know they do.

I just don't want to hurt anyone anymore, and that's why I'm leaving.

That's not called leaving, Brock.

That's called running away.

And that's what you do every time things get tough.

What are you talking about?

What am I talking about?

I'm talking about when things got tough between you and me,

you ran to Barbra Jean.

And when things got tough between you and Barbra Jean,

you ran to the golf course.

And when things are getting tough around here,

you're running off to Las Vegas.

I'm just trying to do what I think is best for everyone.

Breaking up a family is not good for anybody, Brock.

We did that once before.

Let's not do that again.

Are we still a family, Reba?

As crazy as it sounds,

yes.

With everything we've got going against us, Brock,

it shouldn't work, but it does.

And that's why I'm able to tell you this.

You got a white patch on the back of your neck.

[door opens]

[laughs] Well,

Mrs. H,

I hope you're H-A-P-P-Y.

Actually, I'm C-R-A-B-B-Y.

Oh.

I just talked to Mr. H,

and thanks to Little Miss Susie Do Right, that's you,

I lost two commissions,

the one that I would have gotten from selling their house...

and the one that I would've gotten from selling them a new one.

Three, actually, 'cause when I heard about it,

I was with another client,

I lost my temper and took it out on them.

"Excuse me, Mr. Montgomery, what's a bonus room?"

"It's a bonus! Be happy!"

So they're not moving to Las Vegas?

That's right, Miss Susie Two-and-Two-Makes-Four.

They're not goin' anywhere.

Mr. H is gonna come up with the money somehow

to pay off the IRS

that does not involve me getting a commission.

[laughs]

You know what, we should put up a billboard of you holding a gun,

that says, "Nobody move!"

So they're not moving out of state...

yet Barbra Jean is still gonna be my neighbor.

[murmurs, mutters]

[murmurs, mutters]

So, how does that make you feel, Mrs. H?

Pass.

Well, anyway, I think there's something wrong with Mr. H.

I think he's sick.

'Cause he's got a giant red patch on the back of his neck.

[closing theme music playing]

Acme! [coughing]