Original subtitles

Thanks again.

So, Jake, what do you think about the high-definition television?

It's...

It's...

the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Wait till you turn it on.

- [cartoon playing] - [moaning]

[gasping]

- Is it here? - It's here.

It's here! [chuckles]

Oh, thank the Lord!

This is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Besides you, honey.

Van, you do not have time to watch TV.

Go change your shirt. We're gonna be late for my class.

Cheyenne, I do not want to go to some stupid husband panel.

We have a flat-screen, high-definition TV.

I finally have something to grow old

and get fat in front of.

Van, it's for my sociology class, and I'm getting graded on it.

They're grading you on your husband? [chuckles]

Well, I hope they're gradin' on a curve.

[laughs]

Van, these women are coming to find out

what men really want from marriage.

You wanna know what men really want from marriage?

I can't really tell you in front of your mother.

Van, you're going.

All right, fine.

You know what men really want from marriage?

A high-definition, flat-screen TV!

[door opens]

Reba, I need your help.

I am desperate.

Oh, not now.

I'm gonna go watch Dr. Phil's big ol' Charlie Brown-size head in high def.

Brock and I are being audited by the IRS.

[laughing]

Reba, it is not funny.

I think we are in real trouble here.

Now, now, you know how I've been doing all of our tax returns?

Yeah, what's the problem?

I've been doing all of our tax returns.

Here, take a look.

Well, right off the bat,

I'd tell you to stop doin' the "I heart the IRS" stuff.

It makes you look desperate.

I am desperate.

Oh, Reba, I'm goin' down.

I'm headed for the big house.

- Oh, Barbra Jean. - Promise me, Reba,

if I get sent to prison, you will do something to get sent to prison too.

And then we can break out like on that show.

You're gonna have to get the layout of the prison tattooed on your body,

so you're gonna need to gain some weight.

Oh, God! [sobbing]

Calm down!

Oh, I love how tough you are.

When we're in prison, I'm so gonna be your girlfriend.

[groans]

- Barbra Jean. - Yeah?

They only send you to jail

- if you lie on these forms. - Uh-huh.

Not because you put glitter all over it.

Well, I would never knowingly lie.

I mean, so, so if I just made these mistakes

because I don't know what I'm doin', I should be okay, right?

- Yes, you should plead dumb. - Okay.

Trust me, after they talk to you for a little while,

they'll let you off.

Heck, they'll probably even pay for your ride home.

All right, Dr. Phil, polish up that old bald head of yours.

Even if we didn't go to prison, I'd still so be your girlfriend.

[theme song playing]

[Reba] Hey, hey.

♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

Reba, we're back.

Just like a cold sore.

Hey!

That's a reoccurring mosquito bite.

The audit went great.

You are gonna love yours.

- What do you mean? - Brock, go.

Oh, yeah, well, it's a funny thing really.

It seems like once they take a look at your returns,

they get all excited

and they want to go back even further.

How much farther?

Yeah, well, it's...

It's a funny thing really.

Oh, wow, is this new?

- Brock. - Yeah.

Uh, the last three years of our marriage.

You and I are being audited.

Wait a minute. We got divorced.

Didn't you get the audits in the settlement?

Reba, you've got nothin' to worry about.

I'm sure that your returns are in order.

That's right, Reba.

As far as you know, everything's fine.

Last time you said, "Everything's fine,"

I heard Barbra Jean giggling in the background.

- [giggling] Do you remember that time? - That was so...

Well, anyway, look.

Uh, it's really no big deal, I mean,

you remember when Harry, my friend from dental school,

set up that charity for us in the Cayman Islands?

How come I never met Harry?

Oh, you haven't?

Oh, well, we'll have him over for dinner in...

three to five years.

Anyway...

Turns out that was more of a charity for the people who donated to it...

than it was for the poor "Caymanians."

So the charity was a scam?

"Scam," is such an ugly word.

No, it was more of an...

illegal tax shelter.

And I got out as soon as I found out.

But the thing is, I never paid the money back,

and I never told you about it

'cause you're so big on the truth and everything.

- How much? - Oh, it's not a lot. Hardly anything.

So sell somethin' and pay it back.

Like that tannin' bed you claim not to have.

It's a rental.

Anyway...

I gave the money I saved to a real charity, Reba.

I made it as right as I could.

But this is the IRS that we're talkin' about.

You don't tell them that you scammed...

that you sheltered money from them.

They will crawl into places you didn't even know existed.

He's right, Reba.

He can't go to prison.

Although it would be nice for you to see Harry.

Reba...

promise me that you won't say anything.

Trust me, you do not want to open up this can of worms.

I'll think about it.

Now go home and tan up.

I need you lookin' good for the audit.

Welcome, everyone,

to "I Do Is Forever- Marriage From a Man's View."

This seminar is forever,

and I wish I had a view of the game, know what I mean?

Come on, man.

Thank you, everyone,

for writing all of your questions for our panel.

Now let's meet our happily married men. [chuckles]

This is Van Montgomery,

happily married to me.

Taken.

And that's Herman and that's Doug. And they're married to other women.

Okey dokey.

First question.

First question: Why am I here?

[laughs]

This one...

is for, "the cute one."

Well, that's gotta be me.

Thank you, ladies.

Remember, ladies, these men are married,

especially Van.

All right, the question is, "How did you meet your wife?"

Uh, we met in high school.

[all] Aww.

Well, thanks again.

They like me.

Okey dokey.

Next question.

"For the hot one."

Oh.

[laughs]

Me again. Sorry, Doug.

"What is your wife's worst trait?"

Okay, that's a good one. Van?

Ooh, that's a tough question.

I'm gonna have to say,

I can't tell which of her eyes are prettier.

[all] Aww.

Yeah.

Isn't he charming, ladies? [chuckles]

But remember, we really do need complete honesty

in order for the panel to be helpful.

Okay.

Next question. [chuckles]

"When did the really hot guy know that his wife was the one?"

Okay, you guys, this is ridiculous--

Okay, I'll take over now. Uh...

Let me tell you a story how I proposed to my wife.

I rented a hot-air balloon.

Hot...

air balloon.

And as we hovered

over the field,

I pointed down there.

And carved in the crops were the words...

"Will you marry me?"

[all] Aww.

And I handed her a glass of champagne...

with a diamond ring the size of a...

cockroach.

And then she fainted. [gasps]

So I picked her up gently

and kissed her softly on the lips.

And when she awoke, she said the words,

"I will."

"I will."

[woman] Oh, my God.

All right, that is enough!

He's a goon, and he is a liar.

He didn't propose to me.

You want to know how he knew I was the one, Maureen?

When he asked me to homecoming,

and I said, "Oh, okay,

but don't forget to buy me a corsage

and some diapers, 'cause you knocked me up!"

And I married her anyway, because I knew I loved her...

when I looked into her gorgeous left and right eyes.

[all] Aww.

[laughs]

- Next question. - Yeah!

How are you getting home?

Ladies?

- [excited] Ooh. - Oh.

Whoo-hoo-hoo.

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.

Okay. Here.

I took some pictures of other people's children

for you to claim as dependents.

Although the, the Black kid may require some explanation.

Will you knock it off, Barbra Jean?

Everything'll be fine as long as Reba doesn't say anything.

I've thought about it, and I'm not gonna lie.

What?

This is the IRS.

You have to lie.

You have any idea what they could do to us?

You said it wasn't gonna be that much money.

Yeah, well see, here's...

here's the funny thing.

It could be a tad more than I led you to believe.

- Do you ever stop lyin'? - Ow.

Well, it wasn't a lot initially.

But what with penalty and interest, it would be a ton.

How much is a ton?

Well, it would put you in a huge hole, and...

Barbra Jean and I might lose the house.

- [both] What? - Ow.

Brock, you never told me we could lose the house.

I can't live under a bridge.

Not again.

Brock, how could you do this?

How could you let this get to a point where it would cost everybody so much?

Only if they find out.

If you get on board, none of that's gonna happen.

I'm not lyin'.

It's bad karma.

It follows you around.

That's why you've had

- such a lousy life, Brock! - Ow!

She's babbling and turning pink.

- She's gonna rat us out! - Look!

Will you two stop beating on me?

That's their job.

Now, look, Reba.

Just let me do all the talking, okay?

All you have to do is smile and nod.

- Well, you are a better liar than I am. - [sighs]

I just wish you were more likable!

Okay, everybody, just shh.

All right?

The walls have ears.

Trust no one.

For all you know, I could be wearing a wire.

Well, actually, I am under here, but it's just to lift and separate.

- Oh, geez. - Oh, will you stop?

Barbra Jean, for heaven's sake.

Hi. My name is Agent Miller.

Come in.

- Smile and nod. Smile and nod. - Yeah, right.

- Hey, Agent Miller. - Hey.

- [chuckles] - [chuckles]

Um, hey, um,

I'm just, uh, gonna go out there and play with my Black child.

[giggling nervously]

- So, Mrs. Hart, how are you today? - Fine.

She's fine. We're, we're fine.

Good.

I'll be working with Mrs. Hart,

and, Dr. Hart, you'll be down the hall with Agent Phung.

Phung?

But, but I thought we were gonna do this together.

I mean, you didn't separate Barbra Jean and me.

It's just our policy with divorced couples.

They're always so eager to tell on each other. [chuckles]

Plus, when there's nothin' to hide, no one minds.

Oh, well, there's certainly nothing to hide.

Right, Reba?

Dr. Hart, will you come with me?

Is this gonna take long?

How long have you got?

- [chuckles] - [laughs]

[clears throat]

[giggling]

Oh, Phung just kills me.

[clears throat] So, Mrs. Hart, before we get started,

I have to tell you that the IRS is a lot more lenient

if the taxpayer comes forward with any issues or problems.

I'm sure there aren't any, but I have to tell you that, okay?

- Mmm-hmm. - Okay.

We've been over everything.

- And it mostly seems to be in order. - Okay.

- But there is one tiny area of concern. - Oh?

You probably know what I'm talkin' about?

[sighs] Cayman.

What?

'Kay, man. [chuckles]

Okay, man, lay it on me.

[chuckles]

[whimpers]

I'd like to talk to you about 1998.

I was drunk that whole year.

Try to think back.

Did you work for Dr. Hart full time?

Yes.

According to this, you worked for your husband full time,

and yet, he only paid you minimum wage.

Was there any compensation paid under the table?

Oh, no, no. He's just cheap.

Mmm-hmm. He looks cheap.

Anyhow, that's the only problem we had.

Great.

So you just sign here,

and we send it off for one final review, and then you're done.

Super great.

- [telephone rings] - Oh.

Miller.

Hi, Phung.

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay.

What did Phung say?

Oh, just "IRS-y" stuff.

Oh, before you sign,

if there is anything that you knowingly and willingly omitted, and you sign this,

the penalties of perjury apply.

Perjury?

Mmm-hmm.

So, is there anything you left out?

Something you might suddenly remember that you might want to share?

Something your ex-husband may have spilled to Phung?

You know, I was thinkin'.

Since those ladies at your seminar loved me so much,

I should write a book on how to be the perfect husband.

Ha!

You should write a book, you should call it,

I'm a Perfect Liar, and I Met a Girl, and I Made Up Stories About How I Met Her

so I Could Impress Stupid College Girls Who Are Stupid Anyway.

That doesn't leave a whole lot of room on the cover for my picture.

Here's my book:

I Married a "Hot" Jerk.

Oh, I get it.

You're a little jealous 'cause I got all the attention.

I am so not jealous.

Oh, please. A perfect husband can read his wife.

Why did you have to lie, Van?

Is the truth about our lives really so awful?

Honey, what are you talkin' about?

I just felt like you had to make up some fantasy

about what our life is like because you're so ashamed of it.

Cheyenne, I made up a fantasy 'cause that's what I wish had happened.

Not because I'm ashamed of it,

because you deserve a memory like that.

You deserve to be proposed to in a hot-air balloon.

Not, "What? You're pregnant?"

"What are we gonna do?"

- Really? - Yes.

That's why you lied?

Honey, the...

The only thing I feel bad about our relationship is that...

I haven't tried to make it a hundred times better.

Hey.

Babe, baby, come here. Come here, baby.

Oh.

[chuckles]

Did you really mean that thing

about not knowing which one of my eyes is more beautiful?

'Cause I kind of think that too.

I meant it all.

[Cheyenne] Mmm.

Mmm. [chuckles]

[both chuckle]

Oh, man, I really should write a book.

Hey, Reba.

So, uh, how'd it go with Agent Miller?

Fine.

How'd it go with Agent Phung?

Fine, fine.

So anything you want to tell me, Reba?

No.

Anything you want to tell me...

Brock?

- Tell you? - Uh-huh.

Oh, well, let me think. Let me think.

Yeah, yeah, there is one thing.

- You sang like a bird, didn't you? - What?

No, you're the rat!

Anything to save your own skin, huh, Brock?

Oh, cut the act, Reba. It was you.

You should've seen the look on Phung's face

when he was talkin' to Miller on the phone.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

[imitating Japanese accent] "Oh, that very interesting."

No, no, no, no, no. Horsefeathers.

My gal didn't call your guy.

Your guy called my gal,

talkin' about how you were down there spillin' your guts.

Oh, I didn't say anything. I swear!

I didn't say anything either. I swear!

Wait a minute!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

It was a trick. It was a trick.

They were trying to get us to believe

the other one was confessing to try and break us.

So neither one of us talked about the Cayman thing?

- I didn't. - I didn't either.

Oh, that means we're okay! We did it!

Oh, I always knew I could trust you, Reba.

- [telephone rings] - [chuckles] Yes.

Oh, why don't I...

Hello.

Oh. Agent Miller.

- Miller time. - Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Okay.

All righty.

Bye.

We owe the government $75,000.

What? What are you talkin' about?

Back taxes, penalty,

- and interest! - Ah!

$75,000.

[stammering] I don't unders... I don't understand.

We didn't tell 'em... anything.

anything.

- How did they find out? - [door opens]

Phung broke me!

[whimpering, crying]

[closing theme music playing]

Acme! [coughing]