Original subtitles

- [knocking] - [door opens]

Guess who's here.

Drumroll, please.

- [drumming] - [maracas shaking]

[loudly] Wow, I didn't hear you coming up the driveway.

Would have given me time to hide.

Oh, we don't play it outside.

That would be rude to the neighbors.

Henry, you're a little loud.

Isn't he cute?

Make sure he practices, Reba.

"Practices?"

Why don't you go practice in the living room, honey?

- Yeah, there you go. - Bye, sweetie.

Bye, sweetie.

Barbra Jean, what were you thinking?

Why didn't you just bring him over here with a set of bagpipes?

Reba,

drummers get the chicks.

[chuckles]

Henry, can you stop that for a moment?

Oh, he's in the middle of a song.

How can you tell?

Seriously, Henry, I'm getting a headache.

The music will help you, Reba.

Just let it wash over you.

It's...

I don't want it to wash over me.

I want it to stop.

Henry, knock it off!

I guess the band took a little break.

[theme song playing]

[Reba] Hey, hey.

♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

I cannot believe you just yelled at my child.

That wasn't yelling.

I was just trying to be heard over the drum solo.

[Barbra Jean scoffs]

Well, you've very tough

when you're picking on a four-year-old, Reba. Okay?

Why don't you try picking on me, all right?

I'm not scared of you.

Okay. Maybe a little.

Look, he wasn't listening.

I was just trying to give him a little discipline.

Yeah, well, you don't get to.

He's not your son.

You discipline Jake.

Well, of course, I do, Jake is my stepson.

Technically, you're nothing to Henry.

Then why is he here in my house?

Why are you here in my house?

If I'm nothing to the both of you,

why are you always here?

Well...

We're here because we like you!

Well, I'm sorry!

Okay, if you're gonna keep coming over here...

And who are we kidding? You are.

Then I need to be able to do something about Henry's behavior.

Fine. But I insist you do what we do.

In our house, we reason with Henry.

- You reason with him? - Yes.

I'm guessing he wins most of the time.

It's not about winning and losing.

I mean, if I stuck my fingers in my ears and held my breath,

I'd probably win a lot too.

Oh, Barbra Jean.

I hear that same song and dance

from the parent of every kid that acts like a brat.

Oh.

- Brat? - Yes.

[chuckles]

Okay, so now you're calling Henry names?

So you're a yeller and a name-caller, but Henry's the problem.

No. No, no, no. No. No.

I'll tell you what the problem is.

- Oh. - The problem is...

Great.

That's just what your brain needs,

less oxygen.

What time is it?

[together] Guy time!

[vocalizing]

Two men doing men things.

Getting the primal thing going.

So what is on the agenda today?

Something I guarantee you've never done before.

Dwarf tossing. Is it dwarf tossing?

You did not rent a dwarf!

I had something a little more dignified in mind, Van.

We...

are going to a day spa.

[chuckling] Yeah, right.

What are we gonna do?

- Get our nails done? - [chuckles]

Yeah. Manicure, pedicure, massage.

They call it...

"The gentleman's fancy."

Uh, Mr. H,

I know this question's a little late in our relationship, but, uh...

are you gay?

Men can care about their appearance too.

You know, and we should be secure enough in our masculinity

to spend the day getting pampered.

Yeah, but, Mr. H, I need to do something

that can get rid of all the tension and aggression

that builds up during the week.

I mean, when I used to play football,

I would get all of my frustrations out.

Then I got married.

And I had to bury it down deep.

That's why I need to go bowling or toss a dwarf.

Trust me, Van.

The spa experience will change your life.

Huh?

- All right. - All right.

But they don't mess with your hair, do they?

'Cause Julio would scratch my eyes out.

[cartoon playing on TV]

Jake, didn't I tell you you can't have your bat in the house?

But what if we're attacked?

What if I tan your hide?

Then I can fight you off with my bat.

Put it outside.

Ding-dong.

Yes, you are.

[chuckles] Clever.

What would you have said if I would have said, "knock-knock"?

I would have said you're a ding-dong.

No drum, huh?

That is correct.

This time, Henry is going to act like a little gentleman.

But just to be sure,

I am going to give him a gentle reminder.

Observe...

the Barbra Jean method of parenting.

Yo, remember, Henry.

The Notorious SOC, the first puppet of hip-hop, says...

"Yo, yo, yo,

you gotta put your best foot forward, okay?"

No.

Now, Henry, "no," is a bad word.

That is why Mommy doesn't say it, okay?

So, so why don't you just say, "maybe"?

Okay?

- No. - Okay.

Just run along and play. All right.

[sighs]

What's wrong with you?

Nothing's wrong with her, you rude lady.

[high-pitched voice] You're hurting me.

You smell like Brock's feet.

I am making discipline fun.

See, I communicate with Henry using puppets and hip-hop.

I call it, "Be Good in the Hood."

[chuckles]

[imitates beat box]

[record scratching]

Buh-buh, buh-buh, buh-buh, buh-buh.

Behave.

You're buh-buh, buh-buh, buh-buh,

buh-buh bananas.

Make fun, but it works.

See, if he behaves for a day, he gets a blue sticker.

And with seven blue stickers, he can trade it in for a star sticker.

And with four star stickers,

he gets to be the mommy for a day.

Well, my daddy used to swat me with a switch.

And if I talked back, I got upgraded to two more swats.

Well, that explains the temper.

[chuckles]

No, Barbra Jean, that explains why,

when my daddy told me to do something, I did it.

Yeah, but that is so old-school.

Reba, there is a whole new loving world of parenting out there.

No. No.

There's a whole world full of out-of-control kids...

because their parents don't tell 'em no.

Well, Henry is not out of control.

[glass shatters]

[Jake] Henry did it.

Tell your puppet to get

a bruh-bruh, bruh-bruh, bruh-bruh broom.

Okay, boys.

What happened?

I was trying to put my bat outside,

and Henry grabbed it from me and swung it at me.

By the way,

strike one.

[Barbra Jean gasps]

Oh, Henry.

Why would you do that?

I-I-I didn't do it.

Oh, Henry.

Reba, I am so sorry.

I am going to handle this right now.

- Thank you. - Okay.

Come here.

Now, Henry,

Mommy loves you,

and we're still gonna go get ice cream.

But...

If you ever do this again,

I'm gonna have to take away a blue sticker.

Okay, now you consider this your first lamp warning.

"First lamp warning?"

He did something bad, he should be punished.

Reba,

that is not the way to handle this.

All the statistics show that punishment does not work.

Your way only encourages violence.

Violence?

He just beat my lamp to death with this bat.

And if he ever does it again,

he'll get the proper sticker penalty.

- Get out. - What?

Get out, and take Chucky with you.

[gasps]

Reba, he is just a child.

You cannot blame him for something like this.

Oh, I don't blame him, I blame you.

Bad behavior comes from bad parenting.

Okay. You don't mean that.

I mean that, and I mean this too.

Time to go.

Okay, well, I'm not leaving.

I'll give you till the count of three: One.

- Reba, we need to talk about this-- - Two.

- Okay, I'm not a child. - Three.

Did you just spank me?

That's for talking back.

Okay, you know what, we are out of here.

That's the idea.

Jake, have you seen the glue?

Elizabeth broke Mom's picture frame,

and she's so mad about the lamp, I know she's gonna freak.

So tell her Henry broke it.

That's what I did.

- What? - Yeah.

I broke the lamp.

Henry took the fall.

Sweet.

Hey, guys.

Mom, Jake broke the lamp and blamed it on Henry.

Hey! You're my sister.

You're not supposed to rat me out.

Jake, why would you do that?

Henry never gets punished anyway.

So I figured, why not blame him?

He gets ice cream. I don't get punished.

It's all good.

No, it's not.

'Cause you're grounded for a week for breaking the lamp,

and another week for lying to me.

Two weeks?

I have Josh's birthday party next week.

You shouldn't have lied to me.

It's not fair!

You keep mouthing off at me, young man,

and you won't see your birthday.

I hate it here!

Yeah, and I hate that I have to apologize to Barbra Jean!

What'd you do to Barbra Jean?

Oh, I spanked her.

What happened to my picture frame?

Jake broke it.

Hey.

So you did the warm milk bath, huh?

- How was that? - Oh, man.

- It was terrific. - Yeah?

Hey, did you know if you pass gas in milk,

the bubble takes, like, forever to reach the surface?

You should try it in a mud bath.

I don't even know where it goes.

Oh, I'm really starting to get into this, Mr. H.

Good, "guy time," selection.

Thanks, pal.

Hey, you know what?

You should start calling me Brock.

- Really? - Yeah.

Well, I guess I could try that.

- Brock. - Yeah.

It sounds weird.

[chuckles] Oh.

You'll get used to it.

No. I mean you have a weird name.

Sounds like a parrot.

Brock.

Brock.

See?

I'm so relaxed, that doesn't even bug me.

It's like a bird that warns of danger.

[squawking] Brock. Brock.

Yeah. Okay, Van.

- Hey, hey, hey. - Brock!

All right. Come on.

[sighs] Oh.

So, Van, wasn't I right?

Isn't this great?

Oh, you know, I have to admit it.

I have kept my masculinity intact,

and my skin is glowing.

[laughs]

- I look like a god. - [chuckles]

Yeah, and you haven't even had the massage yet.

Okay, I'm Robert. I'll be your masseur.

Hank's running a little bit late, guys.

Make yourselves comfortable. I'll be right in.

All right.

Uh, hello.

I thought we were gonna have women rub us.

No. No, guys are stronger.

True. They're also guys.

Van, trust me.

Look, you just admitted that I'd been right so far.

Besides, what are you afraid of?

That if a guy rubs your back, you'll turn gay?

No.

But what if I like it?

- Who's first? - Him.

No, no, no. Van, you go.

Hank is my guy.

Okay, then.

Any problem areas?

No. No. I just needed to lie down. Thanks, Rob.

Van.

Look, give him the deep-tissue shiatsu.

- What? - Yeah.

What? Hey. Hey. Oh. [chuckles]

Can we ju... Oh, it's...

Ooh.

Ooh, there's a spot.

- Ooh. - Yeah. Yeah.

You know what, I'm gonna have Hank do a little extra on my upper back.

I mean, my shoulders are all knotted up

from picking up Henry.

You know, kids are funny.

When I pick up Henry,

then I pick up Elizabeth, she feels light as a feather.

Yeah, she's just a little bit of a thing, huh?

But she's cute as a button.

Yeah. So is Henry though.

[sighs] We're lucky to have such great kids.

Yeah. I can't imagine life without 'em.

But, you know, they're lucky too, Van.

They've got two great dads who love 'em.

[sobbing]

Excuse me.

Are you crying?

No.

Well, you don't have to stop rubbing.

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I just always get choked up when I hear people talk about their kids.

It's, like, the one thing in my life I really feel like I'm missing.

Yeah, well, you're young.

You got plenty of time yet.

Oh, I want to adopt,

but Peter worries it'll be too hard for a child to...

grow up with gay parents.

But look at you two.

Brock.

I mean, I realize people could be

hurtful and ignorant, but, oh...

we have... so... much... love

to offer a child.

Meeting a gay couple who are so happy...

it's like a miracle.

You guys are perfect.

- [squawking] Brock. - Oh.

- Brock. - Van. Van.

You know, uh, Robert, uh,

we're not exactly, uh, perfect.

Yes, you are.

You're perfect because you love your children.

That's all anybody needs to do.

God bless you.

Yeah, well...

right back at ya, Robert.

And it's so great that you two still find time for each other.

- That's the key to a good relationship. - Yeah.

Peter and I call that our guy time.

[squawking] Brock.

- [groaning] - Brock.

Yes, Officer, I'd like to report an assault.

Yes.

My husband's ex-wife spanked me.

Well, she's a redhead, and I'm a blonde, but--

What does that have to do with anything?

[door opens]

She's here. Send help.

Hmm? Hmm?

It's okay, Barbra Jean. I'm here to apologize.

Mmm-hmm?

Well, an apology won't take the red marks

off my snowy white bottom.

Oh, come on.

We both knew that the spanking was coming sooner or later.

But you didn't deserve it today,

because apparently Jake was the one that broke the lamp.

- Really? - Yes.

As painful as it is for me to admit to you that I was wrong...

And it is painful.

Very painful.

I just think it's right that I be very honest with you.

You deserve that.

Oh.

Yeah.

And I'm gonna start giving Henry the benefit of the doubt

because I'm sure that it was Jake that did most of the stuff

that I've been blaming Henry for.

Oh, Reba.

Oh, this is why all my clothes smell like Barbra Jean.

Get back.

Oh, you don't understand.

Jake's an angel.

Henry is the devil.

[snarls]

What?

Oh, he's done tons of awful stuff at your house

that we blamed on Van.

The overflowing toilet.

The oven.

The dent in your car.

Henry did that?

With his head.

And he steals.

Reba, here.

Here's that earring you've been looking for.

I put it back three times, but he keeps taking it.

Barbra Jean, you need to do something to Henry

when he misbehaves.

You have to discipline him with something other than blue stickers.

Well, the blue stickers are for when he's good.

The red stickers are for when he's bad,

although I'm thinking of getting rid of the stickers altogether.

You know, I might just give him money.

You need to be firm with him,

mean almost.

Yeah, but then he won't like me.

Would you listen to yourself?

You're not supposed to be your kid's friend.

You're his mother.

It's your job.

Do you think Jake is very happy with me right now?

He did something wrong, and I had to punish him.

I had to be strong.

Mmm.

Even though he told me he hates to be with me.

Reba, Jake didn't mean that.

Well, the fact of the matter is...

my little man is very mad right now.

And although I know it'll pass in time...

[voice breaks] it's a very hard thing to hear.

- Oh, Reba, it's okay. - I'm okay.

Just let it out. I know. I know.

Your little man, you know, he loves you.

- [crying] I know he does. - Yeah.

Oh, here.

Here you go. Here you go.

Here you go.

- [sobbing] - You know...

Just like, you know, I know that Henry would still love me

if I had to tell him no sometimes.

Yeah.

Even though I know how much it hurts

when he's mommy for the day and he tells me no.

[snorts] Oh, God.

Why is being a mother so hard?

I know. I hate it.

You know, I love it, but I hate it.

[both sobbing]

[glass shatters]

He's awake.

God.

[closing theme music playing]

Acme! [coughing]