Original subtitles

Here's your breakfast, Van. Enjoy.

Cold, dry cereal. Thanks for going the extra mile.

Halloween is in three days,

and I still don't know what Elizabeth's gonna be.

What about her idea?

She is not gonna be Winnie the Poop.

Van, what are you doing?

I'm trying to get to the prize.

If I use my hands, it'll be unsanitary.

Is the prize five cavities and a gut?

Oh.

That's why I married you, that sense of humor.

Oh, wait, no.

It was the baby.

Hey, look at this.

A mouse. How terrifying.

Whoo-hoo. Gotcha, Van.

You've been "Reba'd."

Gee, the whole, "mouse in the cereal" bit, Mom.

What's that, like, four years in a row?

Four terrifying years in a row.

Here, Cheyenne, take this from me, would you, please?

Hurry. Quick. Quick. [grunting]

[screams]

[fake crying]

[laughing]

How unfortunate.

You seem to have pulled your mom's arms out of her sockets.

Hey, my Halloween pranks are funny.

What, like putting eyeballs in the ice cube trays?

Or answering the door and saying, "Velcome."

Or putting dry ice in the toilet.

- That's not funny. That just burns. - Mmm-hmm.

I'm just getting warmed up.

I'm saving all my funny stuff for this Halloween.

[evil laughter]

Yeah, well, I'm sorry I'm gonna miss that,

but my support group is throwing us a sober party.

Sober Halloween?

What are you gonna go dressed as, a nap?

- Shut up, Van. I'm a goblin. - Oh.

And it's important that I go.

Yeah, but why can't I go?

Because you're not an alcoholic yet.

You know, I just think you're spending an awful lot of time with your group,

especially that Frank guy.

I don't like the way he looks at you.

Okay, Van, Frank is my sponsor, and he is really important to me.

Well, thank God we have Frank to get you through it.

Yeah, I know I do.

- Yeah, I know you know you do. - I know I know I do.

I know I know you know I do, 'cause I just told you.

All right. All right, you two, knock it off.

Van, if you don't have anything to do on Halloween,

you can spend it here with me.

Arr.

Yeah, right. Dressed as what, a yawn?

- [chuckling] - Nice yarmulke.

[chuckling continues]

Or...

you can wear what you have on and go as a jackass.

Mom, you do not want Van at your party.

He's been acting really weird lately.

He's always bugging me about spending time with Frank.

I mean, it's like he doesn't trust me or something.

Oh, Cheyenne, you know Van, he's just jealous.

I know, but I can't help it if Frank is young and hot.

Well, it would help a lot if you'd quit saying stuff like that.

Aha!

Here's someone who'll come to my super-duper scary party.

You're gonna be there, right, Jake?

Yeah, right. Dressed as what, a coma?

No. I was thinking Eddie Munster.

Who?

[mouths] Who?

Mom, I'm not a kid anymore.

Me and my friends wanna go over to Nick's and make omelets.

- Omelets? - Yeah.

Oh, and you need to buy me three dozen eggs.

I don't think so.

Look, scaring each other is a family tradition.

You're staying here with me.

It's not fair.

I never get to do anything fun.

Thanks for ruining my life.

You're "velcome." [laughs]

[theme song playing]

[Reba] Hey, hey.

♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

Why do we have to defrost Reba's dinner?

I haven't even had my dinner.

Because she called and said she was working late and needed our help.

Besides, since she's not here, I can snoop through her junk drawer.

That's how our rubber band ball got so big.

Did she say what she's having for dinner?

Chicken.

Oh, my gosh, Brock, are you blind?

Mint chocolate chip. Get me a spoon.

Oh, come on, that's a very scary head.

You have no idea how much nail polish I wasted on that neck.

You wanna know what's scary?

These Popsicles were in here when we got divorced.

Just bring me the severed head

or, as I like to call him, Brock Jr.

Face it, Reba.

Halloween is a thing of the past.

I can't give up.

Every year the kids get older, they get harder to scare.

I got to try something new.

Well, you could try not scaring them.

Brock,

this is a family tradition.

My mama scared me.

Her mama scared her.

My great-grandmama scared the whole village.

- Till they burned her at the stake. - Mmm-hmm.

Ah, just let it go, Reba.

Come on, the kids are older now.

I can't let this end with me.

If I don't get Jake into it this year, the family tradition could die.

Come on, guys, help me out.

You're the scariest people I know.

I want nothing to do with it.

Halloween is evil.

I know you're gonna make fun of me, but I know what I know,

and there is no trick-or-treating in the Bible.

Halloween isn't about evil, it's about fun.

Oh, no, she hands out religious pamphlets instead of Halloween candy.

I do.

That's why our house has been egged the last five years.

Two of those years could have been me.

Well, I would rather have an eggy door and a clean soul

than the other way around.

Are you saying I should just let Halloween go?

- You know who didn't let it go? - No.

The Druids.

And where are they now?

Florida?

Hell.

Now, come on, Brock.

Let's go put the manger on the lawn for Halloween night.

Man, I'm gonna be cleaning egg off the baby Jesus till Thanksgiving.

- Oh, hey, everybody. - [chuckles nervously]

We're just out here.

Hey, Cheyenne, who's this?

Frank. He's, um... He's my... He's...

- Sponsor. - Yeah.

I'm Brock, Cheyenne's dad.

Hey.

Hi, Frank.

I'm Barbra Jean,

Cheyenne's dad's second wife.

Hello.

Hi, Frank, I'm Cheyenne's mom. Come on in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

Cheyenne didn't tell me she had such a young-looking mom.

Well, uh, we don't usually talk about it around here,

but you can if you like.

Van, company.

You got quite a daughter here. She's a delight to have in group.

I really can't get enough of her.

- Isn't he great? - Oh, stop it.

So glad I got a drinking problem.

Oh, yeah.

Van!

Oh, it's Frank.

Hey, Frank.

What's up, Frank?

Nothing, Van.

How you doing, Van?

Real good, Frank.

Real good.

Van, be nice.

Oh, what? I'm always nice. Of course, I will.

Excuse me, Frank, while I greet my wife.

- Van! - Oh!

Listen, Van, I hope you don't feel weird about me taking Cheyenne to the party.

Well, I would feel better if you were gay or ugly.

Are you gay?

Yeah, my girlfriend didn't like these parties either.

Oh, you have a girlfriend?

No, not anymore. We broke up after I got sober.

We didn't have anything in common.

I guess we just...

grew apart.

Aww.

You're so sensitive.

[mouthing words]

Are you sure you're not gay?

- Hey, it was nice meeting everyone. - Oh.

You too.

- See you, Cheyenne. - Bye.

Bye, Frank. [giggles]

- Bye. - Yeah.

[door closes]

Don't ever do that to me again.

[imitating Cheyenne] Okay.

Bye.

[giggling]

Van, is there something you wanna talk to us about?

No. No.

Why would I wanna talk about my wife having an affair?

Why is it frozen?

Van, you don't really think Cheyenne's having an affair?

Oh, no way.

Van, Cheyenne is not having an affair.

Did you see the way she acted with him?

[imitating Cheyenne] "Frank, he's so sweet."

"He's so... He's so sensitive."

Makes me sick.

Van, look, I realize that Frank is flirty and good-looking,

but I trust Cheyenne.

Oh, well, look where that trust got you, Grandma.

Don't you think I would know if someone was cheating in my house?

[coughs]

Is it possible that you're overreacting?

Chill out, man, it's not like they're spending a ton of time together.

They spent every day this week together.

Yeah, but she comes home right after the meetings, doesn't she?

Her meetings end at 8:00. She didn't get home until 11:30.

[groaning] Oh.

Oh, boy.

Van, don't listen to them.

I can assure you that Cheyenne would not let anything

jeopardize what she has here at home.

Yeah, but, Mrs. H, I have a strong feeling about this.

Well, Van, if it's proof that you want, you should hire a private detective.

That's what I did when Brock and I were separated.

What?

Oh, yeah.

He followed you to work, to the golf course,

to that tanning salon you say you don't go to.

I'll tell you what though.

If there is something going on between them,

I'm gonna kill Frank.

[gasps]

She's totally cheating.

- Plain as day. - What?

Oh, Reba, this has all the hallmarks of an affair.

Yeah, it happens all the time when someone gets sober.

They hang around with someone they can trust.

She's vulnerable.

And did you see that guy?

Oh, I don't know, I trust her.

She's a good girl.

I was a good girl.

- Crap! - Yeah.

[sighs] I don't know.

I trust Cheyenne,

but it does look a little suspicious.

What do you think?

All right, Mom, Van's walking me to Nick's house.

Yeah, we just have to stop by the store first.

Okay, Van, I don't want you buying him any eggs.

Don't worry, Mrs. H.

Apparently, some of the boys sprouted some chin hair,

and they need 12 cans of shaving cream.

Just take him to Nick's.

Hey, Barbra Jean. Hey, Mr. H. Happy Halloween.

Oh, no, it is not.

- [sputtering] - Barbra Jean.

Where's Henry? Didn't you bring him to trick-or-treat?

Oh, no, we dropped him off at the church party.

Everyone goes dressed as a figure from the Bible.

Henry went as Charlton Heston.

Hey, I should have brought him over here

so he could part your red hair.

[laughs]

[Brock] That's funny.

So, uh,

has Cheyenne left for her party yet,

because I'm thinking maybe we shouldn't let her go.

I don't know, it seems a little extreme.

I mean, basically, it's a 12-step meeting in costumes.

How much trouble could she get in?

I'm off to my party. [giggles]

Is that why you wanna hire a cleaning lady, Brock?

Cheyenne, don't you think this costume is a little bit, uh...

little?

I'm a French maid.

It's historically accurate.

Yeah, but I thought you were gonna go as a goblin.

Oh, yeah, but then I realized goblins are ugly.

I could never pull that off.

Honey, I'm just saying I don't think it's appropriate

for you to go to a party dressed like that without your husband.

Well, it's too late, because Frank is going as lord of the manor.

It's like he's my boss. [giggles]

- [vehicle horn honking] - Oh, that's Frank now.

Coming, monsieur.

Oh, I love Halloween.

Don't "vait" up for me.

[giggles]

Something tells me the lord of the manor is getting his pillows fluffed tonight.

Stop it.

I told you she's a good girl.

I was a good girl.

Crap.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey.

- Look, Cheyenne dropped this. - [Barbra Jean] What is it?

"Pruitt Hotel and Suites."

Pruitt? Ain't that pretty sleazy?

- Yeah. - Oh, no.

What if they got a room?

I'll call Joe, the night manager.

[muttering indistinctly]

[sighs] Look at this.

"Room 601. Can't wait. Frank."

Okay, that's it, I'm gonna put a stop to this right now.

- Whoa! Mom! - What?

Something really bad just happened.

What happened? What?

It's Van. Van and that guy.

What about 'em?

He saw them together. Van freaked.

Oh, Lord.

I got to go stop him.

- [Barbra Jean] Oh, my gosh! - [screams]

- [Brock] Whoa! - [Barbra Jean] Van!

- [gasps] - You got to hide me.

- [Brock] What in the world? - [Barbra Jean] Van!

Frank and I got into a fight. It was bad. I didn't mean to hurt him.

Oh, no, no, no.

- Where's Cheyenne? - I left her there. She made her choice.

Left her where?

I don't remember. All I saw was red.

Okay, everybody, just calm down.

I got to get out of here!

- Mr. H. - Yeah?

You still know those guys in Mexico?

Who do you know in Mexico?

Ask your private detective.

Van, you're not going anywhere.

Where is my daughter?

- If you did anything to her-- - Mom.

- Oh, Cheyenne. All right. - [Reba] Are you okay?

Oh, Mom, it was awful.

I couldn't see anything. There was blood everywhere.

Van, what did you do with Frank?

He's in a place where he can't destroy any more families.

Van, what did you do to him?

The cops are on their way. I heard the sirens.

Police?

Okay, all right, you know what, I know how to buy us some time, all right?

I'm gonna tamper with the crime scene, and I'll get rid of Van's DNA.

Now, don't worry.

I watch all of the CSI's.

Barbra Jean, honey. Don't...

What the...

Tell me where you hid him.

If you do not tell me where Frank is,

I'm gonna tell the cops where you're hiding.

- You wanna know where he is? - Yeah.

Fine, I put him in the trunk.

You monster!

Van, he could suffocate in there.

I wouldn't worry about that now.

What have you done?

I got to go help him.

[Brock] Go. Yeah, yeah.

[screams]

He got out!

Help me. Help me.

Oh. Oh. He's dead.

Somebody do something. Come on--

What are you doing?

Happy Halloween, Mom.

- You've been "Jake'd." - [Brock squeals]

You know, you could've caught me.

[all laughing]

Gotcha!

[laughing trails off]

- Mom? - Reba?

How dare you?

Uh-oh, here comes the real blood.

You made me feel ridiculous for doing all my Halloween pranks

so you could pull this off?

And all of you were in it.

Lying, scheming.

Plotting behind my back.

Okay, Reba, just calm down. Come on, it was only a joke.

Just a joke? Are you kidding?

I almost had a heart attack.

And it was awesome!

[screams]

Yeah!

[all laugh]

[inaudible dialog]

It was great. You got me, and you got me good.

Man, this was the greatest present a mama could ever get.

[laughs]

And I pass the torch on to you.

[Cheyenne] Aww.

[chuckles] And you, you were phenomenal.

Cheyenne, where did you find this guy?

Oh, he's an actor.

I met him at my meeting. The place is full of 'em.

It was an honor sharing my craft with two lovely ladies such as yourselves.

- I'm reminded of a sonnet by the Bard-- - Oh, really?

Well, I'm reminded of the door.

Thanks a lot.

Check's in the mail, pretty boy.

That guy's definitely gay.

I can't believe you guys pulled it off.

Everybody did such a good job.

Except Barbra Jean, she was a little over the top.

Yeah, well... Barbra Jean.

Oh, boy.

You didn't tell her?

Oh, come on, everyone knows she can't keep a secret.

You mean to tell me that Barbra Jean is out there somewhere

searching for a fake crime scene?

Yeah.

This Halloween just gets better and better.

[closing theme music playing]

Acme! [coughing]