Original subtitles

I found you a man.

Barbra Jean, for the 15th time, I'm not dating your grandpa.

You missed the boat.

He ran off with his day nurse.

Well, not so much ran as...

[grunting]

But I know you need a little help in this area,

so I signed you up for an online dating service.

What do you mean?

Dating is when two people who like each other go out in public.

Cheyenne, they're called, "a latte," because they cost a lot.

[Cheyenne] Oh.

Van, when you asked me to watch Elizabeth

while you went to the store to get her some orange juice,

I didn't think you meant in Florida.

Sorry, it took so long, Mrs. H,

but I couldn't remember which kind Elizabeth liked,

so I had to call Cheyenne who needed a ride home from the library.

Yeah, so he picked me up,

and since both of us were hungry, we decided to go to lunch.

Hmm.

So where's the juice?

Shoot!

Can you watch Elizabeth while I run to the store to get the juice?

Oh, you might want to get some aspirin for yourself.

Why do I need aspirin?

- Ow. - For your headache!

Mom.

Guys, will you please tell Miss 19th Century here

that online dating is a great way to meet compatible men?

- Oh, yeah. - Well, tell 'em to wear a helmet.

Reba, at least, take a look at who the computer picked for you.

I mean, one of these guys could be your soulmate.

Hey, what about Steve the mortician?

Or, or Greg the prison guard?

Or Jorge who works at the zoo?

Oh, that guy's a keeper, yeah.

- Zookeeper! - Okay, yeah.

[laughing] Good one.

You know, Mom, maybe you should date 'em.

It might put you in a better mood.

You have been a little cranky lately, Mrs. H.

Don't hit me.

[groans]

Did you ever stop to think that I wouldn't be so cranky

if I didn't have five loads of laundry,

babysittin' job and dishes to wash?

Well, okay, look.

I can do the dishes, Van can do everything else, I mean...

what's a little housework compared to you finding your soulmate?

- Well, I have been a little cranky lately. - Yeah.

- I do need somethin'. - [Cheyenne] Mmm-hmm.

[sing-song] And I know what it is.

It starts with an, "L," ends in an, "E."

Has an, "O" and a, "V."

- Rhymes with dove. - Yeah.

- Lo-Lo-Lo-Lo-- - Oh, all right.

- I hate you. - [laughs]

What do I have to be worried about?

That I'm gonna meet a crazy person?

[mouthing letters]

[chattering indistinctly]

"Love".

- Yeah, you got it. - All right.

[theme song playing]

[Reba] Hey, hey.

♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

I can't believe I said we'd pick up the slack

when Mom's out cattin' around.

And look, Van,

can you believe that someone hid dirty dishes in the bottom of the hamper?

Ah, Jake.

That little scamp.

Knock, knock.

Is your mom back from her coffee date yet?

Oh, yeah, she's back.

I'm just preparin' for surgery.

I don't see why they had to go out for coffee.

I mean, that's what she and I do together.

But I'm okay, you know?

Because if this guy works out,

it'll mean that I set Reba up with the love of her life.

We'll bond over her first date,

her first kiss,

their first fight,

where I'll have to comfort her.

"There, there, Reba."

"Let it out."

Hello, loved ones.

Barbra Jean.

So, how did it go?

Well, I have to say,

that was one of the best afternoons I've had in a long time.

Real happy for you, Mrs. H,

but Cheyenne and I are goin' to the movies.

So, trash needs to be taken out.

Dishes in the hamper. See ya.

Oh, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hang on. You didn't let me finish.

He also asked me out for dinner tonight, so you guys'll have to stay in.

What? This is so unfair.

You know what, after I've done today, I'm not cooking dinner.

Believe me, Cheyenne, nobody wants that.

Well, seein' as I played cupid on this one,

when do I get to meet Mr. Wonderful?

Didn't I already set you up with a man?

See, Jake, when I ask, "How was your day,"

and you say, [flatly] "Fine,"

you know, that is not real communication.

I mean, friends talk to each other, you know?

Even after they've made new friends.

A little somethin' I wish your mother knew.

Now, I have told you the story about how I got fired from a llama ranch

because I sang to the animals, okay.

Now, the least you could do is tell me one lousy thing about your day.

- [door opens] - Reba?

Oh, crap.

Let me guess, Reba's out on a date again.

Mmm-hmm, yeah, yeah. Third night this week.

Please send me home.

Sorry, buddy, I'm sure your mom will be back soon.

Listen, why don't you go hang out with Henry?

Honey, I'm worried about that boy.

Being abandoned by his mother is causing him to shut down emotionally.

Oh, come on, Barbra Jean.

You made him watch your DVD of The Way We Were three times.

He's not shutting down, he's playing dead.

Hmm.

Fine. All right, it's me.

I miss her.

This morning I had coffee with her photo.

- Reba. - Sorry, love to chat.

Don't have anything to say.

Jake, let's go.

So, uh, Reba.

How was your date with this so-called, "really great guy"?

Oh, wonderful. We had dinner and caught an early movie.

Reba, you need to, you need to slow down.

This is just happening too fast.

You need to see other people.

I'm available.

No, I'm not gonna slow down or see other people.

As hard as it is to believe, I have found someone wonderful.

Someone who appreciates me.

Someone I think I could spend the rest of my life with.

As a matter of fact, I think I'm in love.

It's about time, don't you know they're in here talkin' to me?

Are you really in love, Mom?

Jake, can you keep a secret?

Am I gonna have a little brother?

Sit down.

Jake, I'm not in love.

I'm not even seein' anybody.

I'm just pretendin' to go out on these dates

so I can have a little alone time for me.

You know, take a break from the loony bin.

I hear ya.

Dad and I didn't really join the Scouts.

Really?

Then what do you guys do every Saturday?

Hey, are we keepin' secrets here or not?

All right, fine, Jake.

But you're missin' out on a whole lot of fun.

What are you yellin' about?

I was tryin' to pull that old Tom Sawyer, "paint the fence," trick,

tellin' him foldin' laundry's fun.

But he's no idiot.

Hey, Cheyenne.

Did you know foldin' laundry is good for your skin?

Hey, has Reba left for her date yet?

No, she's in the kitchen, which is spotless thanks to me.

[loudly] And she better not be makin' a mess in there!

Hey, Barbra Jean, did you know that folding laundry

lifts and firms your buttocks?

Yeah, right.

So, uh...

Have you two met this guy your mom's been datin'?

No, and I'm beginning to think that's a little weird.

Yeah, well, I, for one, am not gonna trust this guy

until he comes to the house, meets the family,

and starts pickin' up his share of the chores around here.

This is just so ridiculous.

You know, I can give her everything a man can.

Um...

Yeah, look.

Reba clearly does not want us to meet this guy.

That's not really fair to him.

So I think we should track down this guy and see what he wants.

That's a good idea. Okay.

I got a plan

to figure out where she's going tonight.

- [Cheyenne] Mmm-hmm. - [Brock] Huh.

Watch...

and learn.

Hey, Van, you know what?

I think it really does feel firmer. I'm--

- [mouthing] - I'm, uh...

So, Reba.

Where are you going tonight?

Reverse psychiatry. Nice.

Why do you want to know?

We, uh, we need to know where you're gonna go

just in case we need to call you,

- just in case of an emergency. - Yeah.

- I have my cell. - [Cheyenne] Oh, okay.

Well, what if you're havin', uh, dinner in the mountains

and we can't reach your cell?

There are no mountains in Houston, Van.

Well, what if you're havin' dinner in an underground bunker made of lead?

[chuckles]

We'll sit by an underground window.

She's got an answer for everything!

Okay, Plan "B."

- Here's what we do. - Yeah?

We call her cell, we record the background noise,

we have it analyzed by a restaurant sound expert.

Bam, we got 'em.

That's good.

[telephone rings]

- [beeps] - Hello?

Yeah. Yes.

Hi. Yes, thank you very much.

[beeps]

That was Petit Jacques

calling to confirm Mom's dinner reservation tonight.

- [Brock chuckles] - [Cheyenne] Yeah.

Okay, here's what we do.

Okay.

We call Petit Jacques.

- We record the background noise. - Yeah.

We have it analyzed by a restaurant sound--

- Get in the car! - Yeah.

Hey, Jake, could you tell Kyra to watch Elizabeth for a bit?

Sure. She gets 50 bucks an hour.

What? No way.

Seven bucks an hour,

and she can talk on the phone to the other witches in the coven.

Cheyenne, we don't need to negotiate with him.

He's tiny, and I can throw him.

Okay.

I speak for Kyra, and the price just went to 60.

Wanna throw me now, Van?

Can I buy you some dinner to go with that wine?

[chuckles] Oh, no, thanks.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were with someone.

Oh, I'm not.

Well, I am, sort of, but not really.

But, uh, thanks, but, no.

Somethin' tells me you're gonna have a hard time deciding on an entrée.

[sarcastic chuckle]

What are y'all doin' here?

You're gonna ruin my date.

Oh, yeah?

If it's such a great date, how come you're reading a book?

Oh, Lord.

- He's a writer. - Oh.

That's right, he's a writer.

Oh, Reba, I see through your facade.

- Your date stood you up. - [gasping]

What kind of a guy has a chance to be with you and then leaves you?

At the table.

Look, guys, my date did not stand me up, okay?

Well, we're not leavin' until we meet him.

Okay, all right, all right, fine.

Fine. He's, um...

Um... Ah. There he is.

Excuse me.

[chuckling] Okay.

- I changed my mind. I want dinner. - What?

Yeah, yeah, that's my family over there, they're all crazy.

My name is Reba,

and if you would pretend to be my boyfriend

then they'll probably leave me alone, okay?

Now go. Smile.

Get your drink.

- [Brock clears throat] - There you go.

- [laughs] Here he is. - [Cheyenne] Hi.

This is, uh...

my date.

- [Cheyenne] Mmm-hmm. - Uh, date, this is my family.

Oh.

You certainly know your way around a bar.

Thanks for takin' the 12 steps over here.

I'm Brock, the ex.

- The shoes to fill. - Oh, yeah.

I'm Ted.

I'm...

Irena's boyfriend.

Her name's Reba.

He calls me Irena

because I remind him of a Russian princess.

That is so cute.

Hey, what do you say we ditch this place,

go back to the house?

Mrs. H can whip up some supper, and you can start foldin' some sheets.

Yeah.

[Barbra Jean] Yeah, so, Ted,

Reba hasn't really talked about you.

So talk.

Okay. Well, uh...

I like fishing. [chuckles]

Me too.

- You do not. - Do now.

She's my little fish girl.

[cellphone ringtone playing salsa music]

Oh, that's me.

[clears throat] "Yello"?

No, Jake, we did not talk about overtime.

I swear I will throw you!

So...

Ted.

Tell me about Ted.

Well...

My name's Ted.

Uh... and, uh,

I'm a bicycle salesman from Ottawa.

I'm only in the States part time.

Canada.

Land of scam artists.

Yeah.

I thought you were a writer.

No, no, no.

Rider, a bicycle rider.

Oh, you thought I meant book writer?

- Yeah. - Oh, no. That's funny.

I'd never date a book writer.

- No, they're worse than musicians. - Huh.

You're from Canada?

But that's so far away.

It's a beautiful place.

- You'll like it, Reba. - Really?

What do you say?

You want to get married?

[Cheyenne] What?

Well, Ted...

this is a little...

odd.

[Barbra Jean] No.

No, no, she does not.

Barbra Jean--

I love this woman.

- And I'm takin' her to Canada. - [Barbra Jean gasps]

[chuckles] Ted--

Oh, yeah?

Well, I love her more.

And if I can't have her, no one can.

Okay, you can have her.

Yeah, I thought so.

All right. All right, fine.

All right, it looks like I'm payin' overtime.

Can we speed this up, people?

Todd, get in the car, you're movin' in.

Okay, that's it.

Ted is not my boyfriend.

I don't have a boyfriend.

The person I was dating was me.

Well, then who's this guy?

Well, my name really is Ted, but...

I'm not a Canadian bicycle salesman.

I was just trying to be weird enough to scare off your family.

Good luck.

So, Reba, you never had a date?

Yeah, I did.

I had a date set up with the zookeeper, but he never showed.

But as I was sittin' there by myself, I realized somethin'.

I realized that I like spendin' time by myself.

But I'm always so busy takin' care of y'all

that I never get the chance to do that.

Oh, Mrs. H, you know what's a great way of spendin' time with yourself?

Foldin' clothes.

I need some time away from the house.

And if that means goin' out, readin' a book or learnin' French,

well, I don't think that's such a big deal and it's not too much to ask.

We're sorry, Mom.

I guess we didn't realize how much you did around the house

till we had to do it ourselves.

[Van] Yeah.

- We learned a valuable lesson. - Mmm-hmm.

And it only cost me 80 bucks and an iPod.

You gave him my iPod?

You had better backed up my, "serenity back" mix, Van.

Well, Reba,

glad you weren't dating a con man.

And when you do find someone,

I hope he's at least as...

handsome and well put together as I am.

Yeah, well, you deserve it.

Thanks, Brock.

But I hope he doesn't have your bird legs.

You still think about 'em, don't you?

I'll be out in a minute, Tweety.

- All right. - Sweetie!

Look, Reba, I'm...

I'm really sorry that we all came down here tonight to ruin your date.

I learned something about myself that I don't like very much.

Turns out...

I would rather you were unhappy and all mine

than happy with somebody else.

Does that make me a bad person?

Oh, Barbra Jean.

Of course, it does.

It's just that I know that someday you're gonna meet someone special, and...

I was gonna have to find a way to deal with the loss of my best friend.

You know, Barbra Jean, I realized somethin' a long time ago.

No matter where I go or who I meet

or how many times I change my phone number,

you'll hunt me down like a dog.

Well, thanks, Ted, you're a good sport.

You know, my family seems a little weird, but that's only at first impression.

[laughs]

They're also dangerous.

- My family's crazy too. - Really?

But after meeting yours, I think I'll call mine.

[laughing]

Hey, by the way, what do you do for a living?

I'm a musician.

Hey.

I just went to the kitchen and got these myself.

Hey, Reba, aren't you glad I invited Ted to come over?

- Yeah, and we're so glad you stayed. - [Barbra Jean laughs]

Isn't she a pistol?

You know, I was just thinkin' that if you two like each other,

technically, I introduced you.

- [Barbra Jean chuckles] - That's true.

Reba never would have invited me over if she didn't want you to...

go away.

[laughing]

I know.

Isn't life funny?

You know what else is funny?

This one time, Reba and I went bowling.

It's hilarious. It really...

Oh, okay. I get it.

You two want to be alone. All right.

All right, Reba, you and I, we will catch up later, okay?

Maybe we can have dinner here sometime.

Without Ted. [chuckles]

Call me.

[closing theme music playing]

Acme! [coughing]