Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:06,093 --> 00:00:09,487
- WE ARE DOWNSTAIRS
IN THE DANTE'S GREEN ROOM
3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
4
00:00:09,531 --> 00:00:12,795
IN PORTLAND, OREGON, SHORTLY
BEFORE WE START TAPING
5
00:00:12,838 --> 00:00:15,058
THE NEW SPECIAL,
BEER HALL PUTSCH.
6
00:00:15,102 --> 00:00:16,103
- WHAT'S A PUTSCH?
7
00:00:16,146 --> 00:00:17,104
- BEER HALL PUTSCH.
8
00:00:17,147 --> 00:00:18,627
- WHAT'S THAT?
9
00:00:18,670 --> 00:00:20,542
- IT WAS HITLER'S
EARLY FAILED ATTEMPT
10
00:00:20,585 --> 00:00:23,197
AT OVERTHROWING
THE GERMAN GOVERNMENT IN '24,
11
00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:26,156
WHERE HE'D WORK EVERYONE UP
INTO A LATHER IN THE BEER HALL
12
00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:28,767
WITH 1,500 PEOPLE SCREAMING
ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT.
13
00:00:28,811 --> 00:00:31,466
HE GOT THEM ALL TO RACE OUT
INTO THE STREETS AND,
14
00:00:31,509 --> 00:00:33,033
"WE'RE GOING TO TAKE
THIS SHIT OVER."
15
00:00:33,076 --> 00:00:34,512
AND THEN A FEW PEOPLE GOT
KILLED,
16
00:00:34,556 --> 00:00:35,774
SO HE RAN
LIKE A PUSSY.
17
00:00:35,818 --> 00:00:38,081
BECAUSE THIS IS,
LIKE, GROUND ZERO
18
00:00:38,125 --> 00:00:40,518
OF WHEN WE BRANCHED OUT
TO DO OUR OWN THING,
19
00:00:40,562 --> 00:00:42,172
AND IT'S REALLY COOL-LOOKING.
20
00:00:42,216 --> 00:00:44,609
WE CAN'T REALLY PLAY HERE
BECAUSE WE HAVE
21
00:00:44,653 --> 00:00:46,002
TOO BIG OF A DRAW.
22
00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:47,612
SO IT'S NICE TO BE ABLE
TO FILM HERE.
23
00:00:47,656 --> 00:00:49,353
IT'S DARK.
IT'S CREEPY.
24
00:00:49,397 --> 00:00:51,094
IT HAS A HISTORY WITH US.
25
00:00:51,138 --> 00:00:52,835
IT'S JUST--
IT HAS A GOOD FEEL.
26
00:00:52,878 --> 00:00:54,445
AND I FUCKING HATE
DOING THEATERS.
27
00:00:54,489 --> 00:00:57,492
I WISH ALL COMEDY SPECIALS
WERE FILMED IN FUCKING
28
00:00:57,535 --> 00:01:00,016
75-SEATERS,
LIKE OLD LENNY BRUCE.
29
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:02,497
SMOKY ROOM, LOW CEILING.
30
00:01:02,540 --> 00:01:05,326
THIS ONE'S NOT REAL LOW CEILING,
BUT IT'S GOT THE FEEL.
31
00:01:05,369 --> 00:01:06,936
LET'S GO DRINK.
32
00:01:06,979 --> 00:01:08,198
[applause]
33
00:01:08,242 --> 00:01:09,852
SOME PEOPLE SAY, "YEAH.
34
00:01:09,895 --> 00:01:12,463
I DON'T HAVE TO DRINK
TO HAVE A GOOD TIME."
35
00:01:12,507 --> 00:01:14,030
YOU GO, "OKAY."
36
00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:18,774
BUT THAT MEANS YOU
HAVE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME
37
00:01:18,817 --> 00:01:20,993
TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
38
00:01:21,037 --> 00:01:24,171
HOW DO YOU PULL THAT OFF?
39
00:01:24,214 --> 00:01:27,957
JUST ASSUME THE UNIVERSE KNOWS
IT'S YOUR FRIDAY
40
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:32,527
SO SOME ORGANIC GOOD TIME
WILL SWELL OUT OF THE WOODWORK
41
00:01:32,570 --> 00:01:35,747
AND APPEAR
AT A CERTAIN TIME.
42
00:01:35,791 --> 00:01:40,012
YOU READ THE WEEKLY AND FIND
THE EDITOR'S BEST BET
43
00:01:40,056 --> 00:01:43,842
AND YOU EMAIL ALL YOUR DUMB
FRIENDS IN THEIR CUBICLES,
44
00:01:43,886 --> 00:01:45,409
"LET'S MEET UP.
45
00:01:45,453 --> 00:01:47,933
"WE FOUND A LOCAL EATERY
THAT'S WELL REVIEWED.
46
00:01:47,977 --> 00:01:50,806
"IT HAS VEGAN OPTIONS
FOR SHEILA.
47
00:01:50,849 --> 00:01:53,765
WE'LL MEET THERE AT 7:40."
48
00:01:53,809 --> 00:01:56,159
"WHERE IS SHEILA?
SHE'S LATE.
49
00:01:56,203 --> 00:01:59,249
"OUR SOBER GOOD TIME
STARTS IN 40 MINUTES.
50
00:01:59,293 --> 00:02:01,904
"CALL HER
ON HER CELL PHONE.
51
00:02:01,947 --> 00:02:03,862
MAYBE WE CAN
ORDER FOR HER
52
00:02:03,906 --> 00:02:05,168
"BECAUSE WE DON'T WANT
TO BE LATE
53
00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:07,214
FOR OUR SOBER GOOD TIME.
IT STARTS IN..."
54
00:02:07,257 --> 00:02:10,304
MAYBE YOU CAME HERE TONIGHT
TO HAVE A GOOD TIME
55
00:02:10,347 --> 00:02:12,001
WITHOUT DRINKING.
56
00:02:12,044 --> 00:02:16,266
THAT MEANS YOU'RE SOLELY
RELIANT ON ME BEING FUNNY,
57
00:02:16,310 --> 00:02:19,704
WHICH IS A 50/50 SHOT
AT BEST
58
00:02:19,748 --> 00:02:22,403
IN THESE WANING YEARS
OF MY CAREER.
59
00:02:22,446 --> 00:02:25,493
IF I SUCK, YOU'RE FUCKED.
60
00:02:25,536 --> 00:02:29,192
ALL THAT SOBER GOOD-TIME
PLANNING AND THE MAPQUESTING
61
00:02:29,236 --> 00:02:30,933
AND THE FINDING THE PARKING.
62
00:02:30,976 --> 00:02:32,804
AND THEN I JUST--
I WAS OFF.
63
00:02:32,848 --> 00:02:34,806
I WAS TOO FUCKED UP
THAT NIGHT, AND I--
64
00:02:34,850 --> 00:02:36,721
NOW THE BLAME'S ON YOU.
65
00:02:36,765 --> 00:02:38,680
I DON'T TAKE THOSE CHANCES.
66
00:02:38,723 --> 00:02:42,336
I DRINK TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
IT'S A FAILSAFE.
67
00:02:42,379 --> 00:02:47,123
I TAKE WHATEVER MUNDANE SHIT
I WAS DOING ANYWAY,
68
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:51,432
AND I JUST START POURING BOOZE
ON TOP OF IT.
69
00:02:51,475 --> 00:02:54,522
AND WITHIN A SHORT AMOUNT
OF TIME, IT'S FANTASTIC.
70
00:02:54,565 --> 00:02:59,048
I'M TALKING TO SOME SHINGLE
SALESMAN IN AN AIRPORT BAR,
71
00:02:59,091 --> 00:03:01,311
AND HE'S SHOWING ME PICTURES
OF HIS DOGS
72
00:03:01,355 --> 00:03:03,531
ON HIS CELL PHONE CAMERA.
73
00:03:03,574 --> 00:03:06,403
"AND THAT'S MISS PATSY
AND THIS IS PATRIOT.
74
00:03:06,447 --> 00:03:09,711
I CALL HIM PATRIOT BECAUSE
I GOT HIM AT 9/11 AND..."
75
00:03:09,754 --> 00:03:13,280
WITHIN FIVE DRINKS,
THAT GUY'S HILARIOUS TO ME.
76
00:03:13,323 --> 00:03:16,196
I'M HUGGING THAT GUY
ON THE WAY TO HIS GATE.
77
00:03:16,239 --> 00:03:18,067
I'M SWAPPING PHONE NUMBERS.
78
00:03:18,110 --> 00:03:19,808
I HAVE A PROBLEM?
79
00:03:19,851 --> 00:03:23,072
NO, LADY.
I HAVE A SOLUTION.
80
00:03:23,115 --> 00:03:25,205
YOU HAVE A PROBLEM...
81
00:03:25,248 --> 00:03:26,206
[cheers and applause]
82
00:03:26,249 --> 00:03:30,122
WITH YOUR SOBER GOOD TIME.
83
00:03:30,166 --> 00:03:32,255
I'LL FEEL LIKE SHIT
IN THE MORNING,
84
00:03:32,299 --> 00:03:35,867
BUT I'LL KNOW EXACTLY WHY--
BECAUSE I GOT HAMMERED.
85
00:03:35,911 --> 00:03:38,609
YOU WAKE UP, YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT,
YOU WORRY.
86
00:03:38,653 --> 00:03:41,090
"OH, DID I FORGET
TO TAKE MY OMEGA-3S?
87
00:03:41,133 --> 00:03:42,700
"MY GLANDS ARE SWOLLEN.
88
00:03:42,744 --> 00:03:45,703
"DID I TOUCH A TOILET HANDLE
WITHOUT SANITIZING?
89
00:03:45,747 --> 00:03:48,924
I'M NOT SURE EXACTLY."
90
00:03:48,967 --> 00:03:50,447
WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE
BEEN DRUNK.
91
00:03:50,491 --> 00:03:53,189
AND YOU JUST--YOU WAKE UP
AND GO, "OH, FUCK.
92
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:57,715
IT'LL GO AWAY
BY THE AFTERNOON."
93
00:03:57,759 --> 00:04:00,327
I DID STOP DRINKING
JAGERMEISTER
94
00:04:00,370 --> 00:04:05,070
AS THOUGH IT WERE SOME, LIKE,
MIRACULOUS LIFE CHOICE.
95
00:04:05,114 --> 00:04:08,813
I BRAGGED TO PEOPLE WHEN I
STOPPED DRINKING JAGERMEISTER,
96
00:04:08,857 --> 00:04:13,078
LIKE I'M DOING BIKRAM YOGA NOW
AND EATING TOFU.
97
00:04:13,122 --> 00:04:14,819
I'M STILL HAMMERED
ALL THE TIME,
98
00:04:14,863 --> 00:04:17,692
BUT IT'S NOT JAGER,
WHICH IS JUST A SHITTY DRINK.
99
00:04:17,735 --> 00:04:20,651
AT SOME POINT, I SAW A CLIP
OF MYSELF ON STAGE
100
00:04:20,695 --> 00:04:22,610
YELLING AT THE BAR,
DRUNK,
101
00:04:22,653 --> 00:04:25,134
"HEY, CAN I GET A SHOT OF
JAGERMEISTER?"
102
00:04:25,177 --> 00:04:26,440
BUT I COULD SEE ME.
103
00:04:26,483 --> 00:04:28,137
LIKE, IN MY HEAD,
I'M YOUNG.
104
00:04:28,180 --> 00:04:31,009
BUT THEN I SAW
I'M JUST AN OLD FUCKING DUDE.
105
00:04:31,053 --> 00:04:34,143
AND JUST THE WORD JAGERMEISTER
COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH
106
00:04:34,186 --> 00:04:37,886
IS SOME DESPERATE CRY
TO BE YOUNG AGAIN.
107
00:04:37,929 --> 00:04:40,802
AND IT'S LIKE THE OLD GUY'S
A SILVER-HAIRED FOX,
108
00:04:40,845 --> 00:04:42,891
BUT HE STILL HAS
TWO HOOP EARRINGS.
109
00:04:42,934 --> 00:04:44,240
AND HE'S LIKE,
"HEY, LADIES."
110
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:46,155
AH, DON'T BE
THAT FUCKING DUDE.
111
00:04:46,198 --> 00:04:48,200
JUST DRINK SOMETHING CLEAR.
112
00:04:48,244 --> 00:04:50,202
'CAUSE...
113
00:04:50,246 --> 00:04:53,815
JAKE LAMOTTA, THE FIGHTER,
IS A NEIGHBOR OF OURS
114
00:04:53,858 --> 00:04:55,295
IN BISBEE, ARIZONA.
115
00:04:55,338 --> 00:04:56,905
HE LIVES TWO BLOCKS DOWN.
116
00:04:56,948 --> 00:04:59,124
IF YOU DON'T KNOW
JAKE LAMOTTA,
117
00:04:59,168 --> 00:05:01,431
HE WAS A FIGHTER,
118
00:05:01,475 --> 00:05:02,780
A LEGENDARY FIGHTER.
119
00:05:02,824 --> 00:05:03,868
THE MOVIE RAGING BULL.
120
00:05:03,912 --> 00:05:05,609
YES. NO? YEAH?
121
00:05:05,653 --> 00:05:07,176
ROBERT DENIRO.
122
00:05:07,219 --> 00:05:08,308
[scattered cheers]
123
00:05:08,351 --> 00:05:10,745
FOR YOU 22-YEAR-OLDS,
124
00:05:10,788 --> 00:05:13,356
LET ME EXPLAIN.
125
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:17,099
ROBERT DENIRO USED TO BE
AN ACTOR
126
00:05:17,142 --> 00:05:19,623
IN THE MOVING PICTURES.
127
00:05:19,667 --> 00:05:21,190
[cheers and applause]
YEAH.
128
00:05:21,233 --> 00:05:24,019
ONE OF HIS GREATEST ROLES
WAS THAT
129
00:05:24,062 --> 00:05:26,326
PLAYING JAKE LAMOTTA
IN RAGING BULL.
130
00:05:26,369 --> 00:05:28,023
IT WAS A REAL GUY
THAT'S OUR NEIGHBOR.
131
00:05:28,066 --> 00:05:29,981
AND WE NEVER MET HIM TILL,
LAST YEAR,
132
00:05:30,025 --> 00:05:33,463
A MUTUAL FRIEND BROUGHT HIM
TO THE HOUSE TO WATCH FOOTBALL.
133
00:05:33,507 --> 00:05:35,378
AND WE'RE WICKED EXCITED.
134
00:05:35,422 --> 00:05:37,815
LIKE, FUCKING JAKE LAMOTTA 'S
COMING HERE.
135
00:05:37,859 --> 00:05:39,295
AND THEY BROUGHT HIM OVER.
136
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,732
HE'S LIKE 91.
137
00:05:41,776 --> 00:05:45,214
THERE'S NO JAKE LAMOTTA
LEFT OF THE JAKE LAMOTTA.
138
00:05:45,257 --> 00:05:47,347
SO WE'RE ALL,
LIKE, HAPPY.
139
00:05:47,390 --> 00:05:51,133
AND THEY BRING HIM IN,
AND WE'RE LIKE, "OHH."
140
00:05:51,176 --> 00:05:52,917
LIKE, FOR A BOXER,
141
00:05:52,961 --> 00:05:56,617
MY AGE THEY'RE FUCKED UP,
AND HE'S TWICE THAT.
142
00:05:56,660 --> 00:05:59,228
SO THEY BRING HIM IN.
HE'S FUCKING UP--
143
00:05:59,271 --> 00:06:02,536
THEY HAVE HIM BY ONE ELBOW,
91 YEARS OLD.
144
00:06:02,579 --> 00:06:05,277
[grunting]
145
00:06:05,321 --> 00:06:09,020
AND THEY PLOP IT ON THE COUCH
LIKE AN EGGPLANT.
146
00:06:09,064 --> 00:06:11,196
AND WE'RE LIKE,
"AH, JAKE LAMOTTA 'S HERE."
147
00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:13,068
[laughs nervously]
148
00:06:13,111 --> 00:06:17,464
AND HE'S GOT A TROPHY WIFE
WHO'S 30 YEARS HIS JUNIOR,
149
00:06:17,507 --> 00:06:20,162
WHICH MEANS SHE'S STILL
IN HER 60S, SO...
150
00:06:20,205 --> 00:06:23,252
THE TROPHY IS A BIT TARNISHED
AT THIS POINT.
151
00:06:23,295 --> 00:06:26,037
IT'S NO STANLEY CUP
ANYMORE.
152
00:06:26,081 --> 00:06:28,953
IT'S MORE
OF A BOWLING TROPHY.
153
00:06:28,997 --> 00:06:30,564
AND SHE'S
A VERY SWEET WOMAN.
154
00:06:30,607 --> 00:06:33,131
SHE HAS ALL THE CHARACTERISTICS
OF TROPHY WIFE.
155
00:06:33,175 --> 00:06:35,133
SHE HAS
BLEACHED BLONDE HAIR,
156
00:06:35,177 --> 00:06:37,832
AND THE 60-YEAR-OLD
TIT JOB IS FORCED UP
157
00:06:37,875 --> 00:06:40,443
SO THE GOOD PARTS
ARE SHOWING THROUGH THE TOP.
158
00:06:40,487 --> 00:06:42,576
AND YOU GO--OKAY.
AND SHE'S VERY SWEET.
159
00:06:42,619 --> 00:06:44,752
AND SHE'S TRYING
TO DISTRACT FROM...
160
00:06:44,795 --> 00:06:47,058
JAKE LAMOTTA
DOESN'T KNOW WHERE HE IS.
161
00:06:47,102 --> 00:06:49,365
HE DOESN'T KNOW
HE'S WATCHING FOOTBALL.
162
00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,149
HE'S CONFUSED ON THE COUCH.
163
00:06:51,193 --> 00:06:53,325
"EHHH."
164
00:06:53,369 --> 00:06:56,546
THE ONLY TIME HE SHOWED
ANY COGNITIVE RECOGNITION
165
00:06:56,590 --> 00:06:58,069
OF HIS SURROUNDINGS--
166
00:06:58,113 --> 00:06:59,984
I SAW HIM SCRAMBLING
WITH HIS CIGARETTES
167
00:07:00,028 --> 00:07:02,465
AND FUMBLING AND LOOKING
TO THE DOOR LIKE,
168
00:07:02,509 --> 00:07:04,685
"WHO WILL WALK ME OUT
SO I CAN SMOKE?"
169
00:07:04,728 --> 00:07:08,863
AND I SAID, "IT'S OKAY, JAKE.
YOU CAN SMOKE IN THE HOUSE."
170
00:07:08,906 --> 00:07:13,911
AND HE WENT,
"EH? OHH. EHHH."
171
00:07:13,955 --> 00:07:15,957
THAT'S HOW FUCKING DEEP
CIGARETTES GET YOU.
172
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,873
NOTHING ELSE.
HE SAID, "EHH. EHH."
173
00:07:18,916 --> 00:07:21,223
THEN STRAIGHT BACK
TO CONFUSION.
174
00:07:21,266 --> 00:07:23,660
"EHH? EHH."
175
00:07:23,704 --> 00:07:25,793
SO HIS WIFE IS VERY SWEET.
176
00:07:25,836 --> 00:07:27,577
AND SHE'S TALKING TO ME
AND BINGO.
177
00:07:27,621 --> 00:07:29,318
"I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'VE LIVED
HERE SO LONG,
178
00:07:29,361 --> 00:07:31,146
AND WE'VE NEVER MET.
AND IT'S SO NICE."
179
00:07:31,189 --> 00:07:34,584
AND AT SOME POINT, SHE SAYS,
"YOU KNOW, JAKE AND I
180
00:07:34,628 --> 00:07:36,630
"ARE DOING A PLAY
ON SATURDAY NIGHT
181
00:07:36,673 --> 00:07:39,328
"AT THE CENTRAL
SCHOOL IN OLD BISBEE.
182
00:07:39,371 --> 00:07:41,156
"WE'D LOVE IT IF YOU'D COME.
183
00:07:41,199 --> 00:07:44,420
I WROTE IT MYSELF,"
SHE SAYS.
184
00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:47,771
OH, REALLY?
ALL BY YOUR LITTLE LONELY?
185
00:07:47,815 --> 00:07:50,774
THAT FUCKING HALF-CADAVER
ON MY COUCH
186
00:07:50,818 --> 00:07:53,995
DIDN'T CHIME IN
WITH SOME OF HIS GREAT IDEAS
187
00:07:54,038 --> 00:07:56,867
OF HOW THE SCRIPT
SHOULD BE WRITTEN
188
00:07:56,911 --> 00:08:00,392
FOR THE ARC OF THE STORY?
189
00:08:00,436 --> 00:08:03,308
AND NORMALLY YOU WOULD
HAVE TO STUN GUN ME,
190
00:08:03,352 --> 00:08:06,094
CATTLE PROD ME
TO GET ME INTO A PLAY.
191
00:08:06,137 --> 00:08:10,446
I'M NOT INTERESTED--UNTIL
I SPEND AN HOUR AND A HALF
192
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,840
WITH JAKE LAMOTTA
AT MY HOUSE.
193
00:08:12,883 --> 00:08:15,799
THAT'S GONNA BE
LIVE ON STAGE?
194
00:08:15,843 --> 00:08:19,411
I'M NOT MISSING THIS
FOR THE WORLD.
195
00:08:19,455 --> 00:08:22,110
AND WE WENT,
AND IT LIVED UP
196
00:08:22,153 --> 00:08:26,027
TO EVERY AWFUL
EXPECTATION THAT WE HAD.
197
00:08:26,070 --> 00:08:28,464
IT WAS SO TRAGIC.
198
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,205
SHE WROTE IT HERSELF.
199
00:08:30,248 --> 00:08:33,774
IT'S CALLED
LADY AND THE CHAMP.
200
00:08:33,817 --> 00:08:35,558
[laughter and cheers]
201
00:08:35,602 --> 00:08:38,996
AND SHE WROTE IT, SO THANK GOD
IT'S MOSTLY HER.
202
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:40,911
AND SHE HAS
AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR,
203
00:08:40,955 --> 00:08:43,435
SO SHE'LL TELL SOME STORIES
AND ANECDOTES
204
00:08:43,479 --> 00:08:47,483
AND THEN SING SOME SHOW TUNE
KIND OF THINGS.
205
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:51,574
♪ IN THE CORNER STANDS A BOXER
AND A FIGHTER BY HIS ♪
206
00:08:51,618 --> 00:08:53,271
AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"OH, GOD."
207
00:08:53,315 --> 00:08:55,404
AND THEN THEY PLOP
THE CHAMP OUT
208
00:08:55,447 --> 00:08:57,885
ON THE OTHER SIDE
OF THE STAGE IN A CHAIR.
209
00:08:57,928 --> 00:08:59,190
AND THEY SIT HIM DOWN.
210
00:08:59,234 --> 00:09:00,975
HE STILL HAS NO IDEA
WHERE HE IS.
211
00:09:01,018 --> 00:09:03,978
HE STILL THINKS HE'S WATCHING
FOOTBALL AT MY HOUSE.
212
00:09:04,021 --> 00:09:06,589
"EHH. EHH."
213
00:09:06,633 --> 00:09:10,419
AND HIS ONLY JOB
IS TO PEPPER THE SCRIPT
214
00:09:10,462 --> 00:09:13,770
WITH SOME ONE-LINERS
AND SOME SHADOW BOXING.
215
00:09:13,814 --> 00:09:18,383
SO OCCASIONALLY,
HE STANDS UP, "EHH.
216
00:09:18,427 --> 00:09:22,605
"I FOUGHT SUGAR RAY
SO MANY TIMES,
217
00:09:22,649 --> 00:09:25,129
I GOT DIABETES."
218
00:09:28,872 --> 00:09:33,616
WHICH IS NOT A BAD LINE FOR
A FUCKING 91-YEAR-OLD BOXER,
219
00:09:33,660 --> 00:09:37,098
EXCEPT THE CHAMP FORGETS
HE ALREADY DID THE LINE.
220
00:09:37,141 --> 00:09:41,624
SO MOMENTS LATER, HE STANDS
BACK UP, "I FOUGHT--"
221
00:09:41,668 --> 00:09:45,889
IN THE MIDDLE OF A SONG,
"I FOUGHT SUGAR RAY."
222
00:09:45,933 --> 00:09:47,412
AND THEY HAVE TO COME OUT.
223
00:09:47,456 --> 00:09:49,632
THEY CAN'T STAGE WHISPER
TO HIM
224
00:09:49,676 --> 00:09:51,373
BECAUSE HE'S DEAF
AS A STUMP.
225
00:09:51,416 --> 00:09:54,245
SO THEY PHYSICALLY
HAVE TO COME OUT
226
00:09:54,289 --> 00:09:58,380
AND PUSH HIM BACK DOWN
IN HIS CHAIR AND YELL AT HIM,
227
00:09:58,423 --> 00:10:00,643
"NOT YET, CHAMP!
228
00:10:00,687 --> 00:10:03,733
"WAIT TILL THE END OF THE
NUMBER, AND THEN YOU DO THE...
229
00:10:03,777 --> 00:10:05,430
OKAY?
ALL RIGHT."
230
00:10:05,474 --> 00:10:08,825
AND WE'RE IN THE BACK
OF THE ROOM FUCKING DYING.
231
00:10:08,869 --> 00:10:11,393
LIKE IT'S QUIET, WE'RE
HAVING TO BITE OUR HANDS
232
00:10:11,436 --> 00:10:14,526
LIKE CHILDREN IN CHURCH
TRYING NOT TO GIGGLE.
233
00:10:14,570 --> 00:10:21,838
AND...IT WAS LIKE SEEING
IF MR. SCHIAVO
234
00:10:21,882 --> 00:10:26,669
BROUGHT TERRI SCHIAVO
ON THE ROAD
235
00:10:26,713 --> 00:10:29,933
AS A SONG AND DANCE ACT.
236
00:10:29,977 --> 00:10:32,675
♪ HELLO, MY HONEY,
HELLO, MY BABY ♪
237
00:10:32,719 --> 00:10:34,634
♪ HELLO, MY RAGTIME
238
00:10:34,677 --> 00:10:37,245
"UHH.
239
00:10:37,288 --> 00:10:39,334
UHH.
240
00:10:39,377 --> 00:10:41,510
UHH..."
241
00:10:41,553 --> 00:10:43,381
"THANK YOU!
TERRI AND I WILL BE
242
00:10:43,425 --> 00:10:45,775
"SELLING MERCHANDISE
AFTER THE SHOW.
243
00:10:45,819 --> 00:10:49,605
"TERRI WILL LICK YOUR T-SHIRTS
FOR YOU TO PERSONALIZE THEM
244
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,868
"AS A LITTLE SOUVENIR
OF THE GREAT TIME
245
00:10:51,912 --> 00:10:55,263
WE HAD TONIGHT HERE."
246
00:10:55,306 --> 00:10:59,659
AND AS MUCH AS I'M ENJOYING IT
FOR ALL THE WORST REASONS,
247
00:10:59,702 --> 00:11:02,400
THERE'S PART OF MY HEAD
GOING, "ALL RIGHT.
248
00:11:02,444 --> 00:11:05,708
HOW LONG
BEFORE THAT'S YOU?"
249
00:11:05,752 --> 00:11:10,452
HOW MANY--I'VE BEEN DOING
THIS SHIT 23 YEARS.
250
00:11:10,495 --> 00:11:11,888
HOW LONG?
251
00:11:11,932 --> 00:11:13,890
I'VE TAKEN A LOT OF SHOTS
TO THE HEAD,
252
00:11:13,934 --> 00:11:15,718
JUST LIKE THE CHAMP.
253
00:11:15,762 --> 00:11:19,809
HOW LONG BEFORE THAT FINAL
SYNAPSE IN MY BRAIN BURNS OUT
254
00:11:19,853 --> 00:11:22,072
THAT WOULD HAVE TOLD ME,
"DON'T DO THIS ANYMORE.
255
00:11:22,116 --> 00:11:25,859
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF
THOROUGHLY."
256
00:11:25,902 --> 00:11:27,861
BUT I HAVE MY TROPHY WIFE,
BINGO.
257
00:11:27,904 --> 00:11:29,558
SHE DOESN'T WANT
TO GET A REAL JOB,
258
00:11:29,601 --> 00:11:32,648
SO SHE'S JUST SHOVING ME
OUT ON THE STAGE.
259
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:33,954
"GO GET 'EM, CHAMP."
260
00:11:33,997 --> 00:11:37,784
"EHH. EHH.
261
00:11:37,827 --> 00:11:40,090
"EHH.
262
00:11:40,134 --> 00:11:42,789
"JAGERMEISTER!
263
00:11:42,832 --> 00:11:45,182
EHH? EHH."
264
00:11:48,969 --> 00:11:51,319
MAYBE IT ALREADY HAPPENED.
I DON'T KNOW.
265
00:11:51,362 --> 00:11:53,582
MAYBE I'M--MAYBE THIS
IS BEING FILMED TO--
266
00:11:53,625 --> 00:11:57,847
"DON'T DO THIS ANYMORE."
267
00:11:57,891 --> 00:11:59,719
I LIVE EVERY DAY
OF MY LIFE
268
00:11:59,762 --> 00:12:01,982
LIKE IT'S MY LAST DAY
ON EARTH, KIDS.
269
00:12:02,025 --> 00:12:03,853
AND I REALLY--
DON'T CLAP.
270
00:12:03,897 --> 00:12:05,550
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I LIVE.
271
00:12:07,988 --> 00:12:12,079
THAT MAKES IT EVEN MORE SAD
AND PATHETIC
272
00:12:12,122 --> 00:12:16,257
THAT I WOULD WILLINGLY CHOOSE
TO SPEND ANY GIVEN LAST DAY
273
00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:19,564
ON EARTH IMMOBILIZED
ON A COUCH,
274
00:12:19,608 --> 00:12:23,394
SWEATING, WATCHING A MARATHON
OF STORAGE WARS,
275
00:12:23,438 --> 00:12:25,788
COMPLETELY CONTENT
WITH THAT.
276
00:12:25,832 --> 00:12:27,659
FRIENDS GOING, "COME ON.
LET'S DO SOMETHING, MAN.
277
00:12:27,703 --> 00:12:29,009
"LET'S GO OUT.
I CAME ALL THE WAY DOWN.
278
00:12:29,052 --> 00:12:30,619
LET'S GO LIVE LIFE."
279
00:12:30,662 --> 00:12:34,318
YOU'RE LIKE, "FUCK YOU.
I AIN'T GETTING UP.
280
00:12:34,362 --> 00:12:37,147
"I'VE HAD TO PISS FOR
THE LAST FOUR EPISODES.
281
00:12:37,191 --> 00:12:40,672
"MY PROSTATE IS WELDED SHUT
LIKE A LUG NUT.
282
00:12:40,716 --> 00:12:44,459
"AND I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.
I'M NOT GETTING UP.
283
00:12:44,502 --> 00:12:48,768
"I GOT TO FIND OUT
WHAT'S IN THAT SAFE.
284
00:12:48,811 --> 00:12:52,684
"VERY IMPORTANT TO FIND OUT
AFTER THE COMMERCIAL BREAK
285
00:12:52,728 --> 00:12:56,819
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE
IN THAT SAFE."
286
00:12:56,863 --> 00:12:59,256
YOU GUYS ALL HAVE INTERESTS
AND YOU DO SHIT.
287
00:12:59,300 --> 00:13:01,693
AND I DON'T.
YEAH.
288
00:13:01,737 --> 00:13:04,871
TRY DOING NOTHING
AS LONG AS ME.
289
00:13:04,914 --> 00:13:07,656
I HAVE "HOUSE ARREST"
ON MY BUCKET LIST
290
00:13:07,699 --> 00:13:11,181
JUST SO I HAVE AN EXCUSE FOR WHY
I CAN'T GO DO THE DUMB SHIT
291
00:13:11,225 --> 00:13:13,183
YOU LIKE
THAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
292
00:13:13,227 --> 00:13:15,272
"I'M SORRY.
I'D LOVE TO SEE YOUR FRIEND
293
00:13:15,316 --> 00:13:17,535
"PLAY THE FLAMENCO GUITAR,
BUT I GOT THE ANKLET.
294
00:13:17,579 --> 00:13:19,450
SORRY."
295
00:13:19,494 --> 00:13:24,064
GO RIGHT BACK TO WATCHING
FUCKING HOARDERS.
296
00:13:24,107 --> 00:13:25,500
I WATCH HOARDERS.
297
00:13:25,543 --> 00:13:28,938
I SEE SHIT I NEED.
298
00:13:28,982 --> 00:13:31,071
[laughs]
I DO.
299
00:13:31,114 --> 00:13:33,290
LIKE THEY BROUGHT THE YARD SALE
INTO MY LIVING ROOM
300
00:13:33,334 --> 00:13:34,596
AND I JUST POKE AROUND.
301
00:13:34,639 --> 00:13:35,902
I'M NOT FOLLOWING
THE DIALOG.
302
00:13:35,945 --> 00:13:37,338
I'M JUST LOOKING
AT THEIR SHIT.
303
00:13:37,381 --> 00:13:39,383
"BINGO, THEY HAVE AN ORANGE
MICROWAVE.
304
00:13:39,427 --> 00:13:41,342
"REWIND IT.
PAUSE.
305
00:13:41,385 --> 00:13:42,691
"THAT'S AN ORANGE MIC--
306
00:13:42,734 --> 00:13:44,693
"HOW DO YOU GET AN ORANGE
MICROWAVE?
307
00:13:44,736 --> 00:13:46,521
"UNDERNEATH THE STACK
OF THE NEWSPAPERS
308
00:13:46,564 --> 00:13:48,958
"AND THE MUMMIFIED CAT
IS AN ORANGE MICROWAVE.
309
00:13:49,002 --> 00:13:50,568
"FIND IT ON AMAZON.
310
00:13:50,612 --> 00:13:54,877
THAT MIGHT FILL THE VOID
IN MY SOUL. ORANGE."
311
00:13:54,921 --> 00:13:57,924
BECAUSE THAT'S--I DON'T EVEN
DRUNK DIAL PEOPLE ANYMORE
312
00:13:57,967 --> 00:13:59,447
BECAUSE I HAVE
NOTHING TO SAY.
313
00:13:59,490 --> 00:14:02,711
BUT I DRUNK
EBAY AND AMAZON.
314
00:14:02,754 --> 00:14:04,844
I BUY SHIT
WHEN I'M BLACKED OUT.
315
00:14:04,887 --> 00:14:06,323
WHICH IS--
316
00:14:06,367 --> 00:14:09,239
EBAY'S THE WORST,
BECAUSE IF I GET OUTBID,
317
00:14:09,283 --> 00:14:11,851
THEN I TAKE IT PERSONAL
WHEN I'M DRINKING.
318
00:14:11,894 --> 00:14:14,201
LIKE YOU JUST FUCKING LOOKED
AT MY GIRLFRIEND WEIRD.
319
00:14:14,244 --> 00:14:16,638
"OH, OUTBID ME?
I'M GOING TO FUCKING OUTBID YOU.
320
00:14:16,681 --> 00:14:18,118
"YEAH, I'LL WAIT.
I'LL WAIT.
321
00:14:18,161 --> 00:14:20,468
"COME ON. DO IT.
OH, OUTBID ME?
322
00:14:20,511 --> 00:14:22,731
"OUTBID YOU! BECAUSE YOU
PROBABLY HAVE KIDS.
323
00:14:22,774 --> 00:14:25,081
"I DON'T.
I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY,
324
00:14:25,125 --> 00:14:27,562
"BUT EVERY PENNY I HAVE
IS DISPOSABLE
325
00:14:27,605 --> 00:14:29,303
"BECAUSE I DON'T
HAVE CHILDREN.
326
00:14:29,346 --> 00:14:30,957
"I BOUGHT A SHITTY,
CHEAP HOUSE
327
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:32,959
ON THE MEXICAN BORDER.
328
00:14:33,002 --> 00:14:36,745
"MY NUT IS 800 BUCKS A YEAR
IN PROPERTY TAX.
329
00:14:36,788 --> 00:14:38,660
"I COULD BEG THAT.
YOU?
330
00:14:38,703 --> 00:14:40,880
"YOU'RE GONNA OUTBID ME,
EVENTUALLY YOU'RE GONNA REALIZE,
331
00:14:40,923 --> 00:14:43,360
"'OH, SHIT, MY CHILDREN
HAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE.'
332
00:14:43,404 --> 00:14:45,710
"AND I'M GONNA REALIZE,
'OH, SHIT.
333
00:14:45,754 --> 00:14:48,757
"'I NEED A VINTAGE PACHINKO
MACHINE IN MY HOUSE
334
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:50,280
"FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON.'
335
00:14:50,324 --> 00:14:52,282
"OUTBID YOU.
YOU LOSE.
336
00:14:52,326 --> 00:14:56,417
I'M A GIANT WINNER...
SOMEHOW."
337
00:14:56,460 --> 00:14:59,637
WAY WORSE THAN DRUNK DIALING,
BECAUSE DRUNK BUYING SHIT,
338
00:14:59,681 --> 00:15:01,552
YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER
YOU DID IT
339
00:15:01,596 --> 00:15:04,947
FOR FIVE TO SEVEN
BUSINESS DAYS.
340
00:15:04,991 --> 00:15:07,907
YOU WALK OUT OF YOUR HOUSE,
AND UPS IS BUILDING
341
00:15:07,950 --> 00:15:11,084
SOME CORRUGATED
GREAT WALL OF CHINA OUTSIDE.
342
00:15:11,127 --> 00:15:12,650
LIKE, "WHAT DID I DO NOW?
343
00:15:12,694 --> 00:15:14,304
"WHAT DID YOU GET YOURSELF
THIS TIME,
344
00:15:14,348 --> 00:15:18,221
"MR. CHRISTMAS IN JULY?
345
00:15:18,265 --> 00:15:22,530
MIRACLE SOCKS,
AS SEEN ON TV."
346
00:15:22,573 --> 00:15:25,663
ACTUAL PURCHASE.
347
00:15:25,707 --> 00:15:27,578
I DON'T HAVE
CIRCULATION PROBLEMS,
348
00:15:27,622 --> 00:15:30,277
BUT EVIDENTLY WHEN I DRINK
ON AMBIEN,
349
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:32,801
THAT'S SOME UNDERLYING FEAR
I DIDN'T EVEN
350
00:15:32,844 --> 00:15:37,197
KNOW I HAD,
IS DEEP VEIN THROMBOSIS.
351
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:38,720
"I'M GOING TO DIE.
352
00:15:38,763 --> 00:15:40,896
"MAYBE THAT'S WHY
I NEVER WORK AUSTRALIA.
353
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:42,593
"THAT LONG FLIGHT
COULD KILL ME
354
00:15:42,637 --> 00:15:44,769
WITH DEEP VEIN
THROMBOSIS."
355
00:15:49,687 --> 00:15:52,908
I HAVE NO FEAR OF DEATH,
EXCEPT I HATE WAITING FOR IT.
356
00:15:55,128 --> 00:15:57,739
JUST COME ON.
357
00:15:57,782 --> 00:16:00,655
I BEAT CANCER.
358
00:16:00,698 --> 00:16:02,570
OH, I NEVER HAD IT.
THAT'S HOW I BEAT IT.
359
00:16:02,613 --> 00:16:05,138
LIKE I'VE--
OH, YOU SURVIVED IT?
360
00:16:05,181 --> 00:16:07,705
I BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF IT,
BUT BY NOT GETTING IT.
361
00:16:07,749 --> 00:16:10,491
I'VE COURTED CANCER
EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.
362
00:16:10,534 --> 00:16:13,624
I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING BUT
FUCKING PAID CANCER'S
363
00:16:13,668 --> 00:16:15,452
TAXI FARE TO MY HOTEL.
364
00:16:15,496 --> 00:16:17,933
WON'T SHOW UP.
THAT'S BEATING IT.
365
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:20,980
YOU SURVIVED IT,
YOU'RE LIKE TIED.
366
00:16:21,023 --> 00:16:24,026
I GET THE NUMBER ONE SEED
IN THE BRACKET
367
00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:26,637
OVER YOU, SURVIVOR.
368
00:16:26,681 --> 00:16:28,030
I'M A WINNER.
369
00:16:28,074 --> 00:16:29,640
BUT THERE IS AN AFTERLIFE,
370
00:16:29,684 --> 00:16:33,470
AND IF I CAN GIVE YOU
ANY HOPE IN THIS SHOW,
371
00:16:33,514 --> 00:16:36,125
I HAVE DEFINITIVE PROOF
OF AN AFTERLIFE.
372
00:16:36,169 --> 00:16:38,040
I DIDN'T GET WEIRD
OR GO RELIGIOUS ON YOU.
373
00:16:38,084 --> 00:16:39,563
I'M NOT SAYING
THERE'S A GOD.
374
00:16:39,607 --> 00:16:42,218
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THE AFTERLIFE ENTAILS,
375
00:16:42,262 --> 00:16:44,481
BUT HERE'S THE PROOF.
376
00:16:44,525 --> 00:16:48,833
MY MOTHER KILLED HERSELF
IN 2008.
377
00:16:48,877 --> 00:16:50,400
DON'T WORRY.
THIS IS A FUN STORY.
378
00:16:50,444 --> 00:16:53,447
IT WAS THE BEST DEATH
YOU COULD EVER BE PART OF.
379
00:16:53,490 --> 00:16:56,363
SHE WAS DYING
OF EMPHYSEMA AT 63.
380
00:16:56,406 --> 00:16:58,974
HER BRAIN WAS STILL WITH IT,
BUT HER--
381
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:01,672
SHE WAS DROWNING
IN HER OWN FLUIDS.
382
00:17:01,716 --> 00:17:04,849
SHE'S BEING PERMANENTLY
WATER BOARDED BY 45 YEARS
383
00:17:04,893 --> 00:17:06,677
OF KOOL MILDS.
384
00:17:06,721 --> 00:17:08,897
SHE CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
WE KNEW IT WAS GONNA HAPPEN.
385
00:17:08,940 --> 00:17:11,943
WHEN SHE MADE THE CALL,
"I CAN'T DO IT."
386
00:17:11,987 --> 00:17:15,425
I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, MA.
WE'LL DO WHAT WE CAN."
387
00:17:15,469 --> 00:17:18,298
I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT.
MA'S GONNA KILL HERSELF."
388
00:17:18,341 --> 00:17:20,082
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
LIKE THAT'S--
389
00:17:20,126 --> 00:17:21,605
OKAY, WE KNOW
IT'S GONNA HAPPEN,
390
00:17:21,649 --> 00:17:23,651
BUT WHEN YOU SAY,
"WE'RE GONNA DO IT,"
391
00:17:23,694 --> 00:17:26,088
I'M NOT GONNA GO BUY YOU
A FUCKING SHOTGUN.
392
00:17:26,132 --> 00:17:28,047
LIKE, "OH, HAVE FUN, MA."
393
00:17:30,614 --> 00:17:33,095
SO I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO.
394
00:17:33,139 --> 00:17:36,577
I DON'T KILL PEOPLE.
IT'S JUST--
395
00:17:36,620 --> 00:17:40,015
IT'S NOT SOMETHING,
LIKE, I FANTASIZE ABOUT IT.
396
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:41,712
IF MY MOTHER
WERE NANCY GRACE,
397
00:17:41,756 --> 00:17:42,713
I'D HAVE BEEN
ALL OVER IT.
398
00:17:42,757 --> 00:17:44,411
LIKE I HAVE PLANS.
399
00:17:44,454 --> 00:17:46,587
BUT MY MOTHER WAS A GREAT
PERSON, SO I'M LIKE,
400
00:17:46,630 --> 00:17:49,285
"HOW DO WE DO THIS RIGHT?"
SO I CALLED MY LAWYER.
401
00:17:49,329 --> 00:17:50,895
I HAVE THREE LAWYERS.
WE HAVE--
402
00:17:50,939 --> 00:17:53,159
LIKE, WE'RE JEWED UP BIG
WITH LAWYERS IN L.A.
403
00:17:53,202 --> 00:17:54,682
FOR THIS SHIT,
404
00:17:54,725 --> 00:17:56,858
ALL THE CAMERA PEOPLE
AND RECORDING CONTRACTS.
405
00:17:56,901 --> 00:17:59,904
THEN I HAVE
MY LOCAL BISBEE ATTORNEY
406
00:17:59,948 --> 00:18:01,471
THAT HELPS ME WITH--
LIKE, I GOT MARRIED
407
00:18:01,515 --> 00:18:05,171
WHEN I WAS 20 AND I HAD
24 YEARS OF MARITAL BLISS,
408
00:18:05,214 --> 00:18:06,998
TILL I REMEMBERED,
"OH, FUCK.
409
00:18:07,042 --> 00:18:10,089
I NEVER DIVORCED THAT GIRL
I DRUNKENLY MARRIED IN VEGAS."
410
00:18:10,132 --> 00:18:13,179
THAT'S FOR ANOTHER DVD.
SO HE--
411
00:18:13,222 --> 00:18:16,312
BUT THEN WE HAVE OUR THIRD
LAWYER, WHO'S A COMEDY FAN.
412
00:18:16,356 --> 00:18:19,620
HE'S OUR, LIKE WINK-WINK,
NUDGE-NUDGE,
413
00:18:19,663 --> 00:18:22,840
SAUL GOODMAN
FROM BREAKING BAD ATTORNEY.
414
00:18:22,884 --> 00:18:25,930
THAT HE HANDLES
ALL THE CREEPY SHIT,
415
00:18:25,974 --> 00:18:28,411
LIKE WHEN ME AND ANDY
ARE UP LATE AT NIGHT
416
00:18:28,455 --> 00:18:29,978
DOING BLOW AND THINKING OF--
417
00:18:30,021 --> 00:18:31,240
"CALL KIRSCHNER.
418
00:18:31,284 --> 00:18:32,894
"SEE HOW MUCH JAIL TIME
WE COULD--
419
00:18:32,937 --> 00:18:34,461
COULD WE GO TO PRISON
IF WE ACTUALLY DID THIS?"
420
00:18:34,504 --> 00:18:36,202
HE'S THAT GUY.
421
00:18:36,245 --> 00:18:40,031
SO I CALLED HIM, KNOWING HE'D
HOOK ME UP WITH A DOCTOR
422
00:18:40,075 --> 00:18:43,078
ON THE DOWN LOW, AS WE SAY
IN THE BLACK COMMUNITY,
423
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:44,645
AS A BLACK PERSON.
424
00:18:44,688 --> 00:18:47,865
HE GAVE ME THE NUMBER
TO A DOCTOR.
425
00:18:47,909 --> 00:18:50,781
AND I GO, "HEY, MY MOTHER'S
GONNA CASH OUT,
426
00:18:50,825 --> 00:18:52,131
AND I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO."
427
00:18:52,174 --> 00:18:53,523
HE SAID,
"WHAT DO YOU HAVE?"
428
00:18:53,567 --> 00:18:55,612
I GO, "I'VE GOT XANAX
OUT THE ASS."
429
00:18:55,656 --> 00:18:59,268
ON THE BORDER, YOU CAN GET ALL
THE FUCKING XANAX YOU WANT.
430
00:18:59,312 --> 00:19:01,792
HE'S LIKE, "THAT'S NO GOOD.
THAT'S ANTI-ANXIETY.
431
00:19:01,836 --> 00:19:03,577
DOES SHE HAVE HOSPICE CARE?"
432
00:19:03,620 --> 00:19:04,882
"YEAH, SHE DOES."
433
00:19:04,926 --> 00:19:06,362
"THEN SHE SHOULD
HAVE MORPHINE."
434
00:19:06,406 --> 00:19:07,668
"MA, YOU GOT MORPHINE?"
435
00:19:07,711 --> 00:19:09,060
"YEAH, I GOT MORPHINE."
436
00:19:09,104 --> 00:19:10,584
"ALL RIGHT.
SHE'S GOT MORPHINE."
437
00:19:10,627 --> 00:19:12,412
WE WORKED OUT THE DOSAGES
AND THE MILLIGRAMS.
438
00:19:12,455 --> 00:19:14,196
AND HE GOES, "IF SHE HAS
30 OF THOSE,
439
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,764
THAT'S ENOUGH TO KILL ANY
HUMAN BEING ON THE PLANET."
440
00:19:16,807 --> 00:19:19,201
SHE HAD FUCKING 90.
441
00:19:19,245 --> 00:19:21,421
LIKE, "OKAY.
WE'RE GOOD. OKAY."
442
00:19:21,464 --> 00:19:23,205
"WE NEVER TALKED.
REMEMBER THAT."
443
00:19:23,249 --> 00:19:25,120
"OKAY, DOC."
444
00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:27,383
SO I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,
WE'RE GONNA DO THIS.
445
00:19:27,427 --> 00:19:29,385
FIRST OF ALL,
BRING HER TO MY HOUSE."
446
00:19:29,429 --> 00:19:31,300
BECAUSE SHE LIVED
IN 300 SQUARE FEET
447
00:19:31,344 --> 00:19:32,910
OF HOARDER PARADISE.
448
00:19:32,954 --> 00:19:35,783
OLD ELECTRIC BILLS WITH
SPIDER WEBS ALL CRAMMED--
449
00:19:35,826 --> 00:19:37,393
LIKE IT'S DEPRESSING ENOUGH
450
00:19:37,437 --> 00:19:39,352
IF YOU'RE GONNA
HELP YOUR MOTHER KILL HERSELF.
451
00:19:39,395 --> 00:19:42,442
BUT WE'RE GONNA GO TO MY HOUSE.
WE'LL TIDY UP, WE'LL--
452
00:19:42,485 --> 00:19:46,533
SO WE SET HER UP WITH A HOSPITAL
BED IN THE LIVING ROOM.
453
00:19:46,576 --> 00:19:50,711
SHE HAD BEEN AA OFF AND ON
FOR MY WHOLE LIFE.
454
00:19:50,754 --> 00:19:53,322
SHE HAD, AT THIS POINT,
BEEN FOUR YEARS SOBER.
455
00:19:53,366 --> 00:19:57,152
AND I'M LIKE, "YOU'RE NOT GONNA
KILL YOURSELF SOBER, RIGHT?
456
00:19:57,196 --> 00:20:00,111
YOU CAN'T TAKE
THOSE CHIPS WITH YOU."
457
00:20:00,155 --> 00:20:01,896
RIGHT?
458
00:20:01,939 --> 00:20:03,332
SHE'S LIKE, "YEAH.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
459
00:20:03,376 --> 00:20:04,986
WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
THAT'S DUMB."
460
00:20:05,029 --> 00:20:06,770
SO SHE--
IN HER HEYDAY,
461
00:20:06,814 --> 00:20:08,424
SHE WAS
A BLACK RUSSIAN DRINKER,
462
00:20:08,468 --> 00:20:10,731
SO I SET OUT A MINI BOTTLE
OF KETEL ONE
463
00:20:10,774 --> 00:20:13,473
AND A MINI BOTTLE OF KAHLUA
WITH HER PILLS.
464
00:20:13,516 --> 00:20:15,866
"FOR WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.
LET ME KNOW."
465
00:20:15,910 --> 00:20:18,652
WE LAID DOWN GROUND RULES.
466
00:20:18,695 --> 00:20:21,524
I SAID, "MA, IF YOU'RE GONNA
KILL YOURSELF, SERIOUSLY,
467
00:20:21,568 --> 00:20:24,223
"YOU CAN'T DO IT
ON SUNDAY OR MONDAY
468
00:20:24,266 --> 00:20:27,878
"BECAUSE THAT'S FOOTBALL,
AND THAT'S A DICK MOVE.
469
00:20:27,922 --> 00:20:31,752
"IF YOU CAN CALL YOUR OWN TIME
TO LEAVE THIS PLANET,
470
00:20:31,795 --> 00:20:34,798
"DON'T DO IT DURING SOMEONE
ELSE'S PLANNED EVENT.
471
00:20:34,842 --> 00:20:37,148
DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE."
472
00:20:37,192 --> 00:20:39,673
AND SHE DID IT THE SATURDAY
BEFORE FOOTBALL.
473
00:20:39,716 --> 00:20:40,717
THAT WAS GREAT.
474
00:20:40,761 --> 00:20:42,545
SHE CAME IN ON THURSDAY.
475
00:20:42,589 --> 00:20:44,852
SATURDAY NIGHT, SHE GOES,
"IT'S TIME."
476
00:20:44,895 --> 00:20:47,637
AND I'M LIKE, "TIME FOR WHAT?
LIKE MEDICATION?"
477
00:20:47,681 --> 00:20:48,943
"NO, IT'S TIME."
478
00:20:48,986 --> 00:20:50,510
AND LIKE, "OH FUCK.
THIS IS REAL."
479
00:20:50,553 --> 00:20:52,033
SO I WAKE UP BINGO.
480
00:20:52,076 --> 00:20:53,252
LIKE IT'S GOING ON.
481
00:20:53,295 --> 00:20:55,645
WE START MIXING UP
WHITE RUSSIANS.
482
00:20:55,689 --> 00:20:57,778
SHE DECIDED TO MAKE
BLACK RUSSIANS WHITE RUSSIANS
483
00:20:57,821 --> 00:21:00,302
BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT THE MILK
WOULD COAT HER BELLY
484
00:21:00,346 --> 00:21:02,304
BETTER FOR TAKING
ALL THE PILLS.
485
00:21:02,348 --> 00:21:03,566
LIKE MOTHER TILL THE END.
486
00:21:03,610 --> 00:21:04,698
"DO YOU HAVE WHOLE MILK?"
487
00:21:04,741 --> 00:21:05,742
"I GOT SKIM."
488
00:21:05,786 --> 00:21:07,266
"SKIM'LL WORK.
489
00:21:07,309 --> 00:21:09,311
"I JUST DON'T WANT
TO THROW UP THE PILLS.
490
00:21:09,355 --> 00:21:12,532
CHICKEN SOUP
FOR THE SUICIDE."
491
00:21:12,575 --> 00:21:16,013
IT WAS SO FUCKING--
IT WAS SO SWEET.
492
00:21:16,057 --> 00:21:19,713
SO WE'RE
WHIPPING UP DRINKS AND--
493
00:21:19,756 --> 00:21:23,282
I DIDN'T SO MUCH ASSIST
A SUICIDE AS BAR BACK IT.
494
00:21:23,325 --> 00:21:25,022
LIKE, I'M IN THERE
MIXING DRINKS
495
00:21:25,066 --> 00:21:26,502
BECAUSE WE'RE
ALL DRINKING.
496
00:21:26,546 --> 00:21:28,852
WE WATCH BAD SANTA
TOGETHER,
497
00:21:28,896 --> 00:21:30,506
HER FAVORITE MOVIE,
TOGETHER.
498
00:21:30,550 --> 00:21:32,421
SHE HAD A VERY DARK
SENSE OF HUMOR.
499
00:21:32,465 --> 00:21:34,293
I DIDN'T COME
FROM NOWHERE.
500
00:21:34,336 --> 00:21:36,469
MY MOTHER USED TO REVIEW PORN
ON THE MAN SHOW.
501
00:21:36,512 --> 00:21:38,993
SHE WAS FUCKING DARK
LIKE US.
502
00:21:39,036 --> 00:21:40,647
SO WE WATCHED BAD SANTA,
503
00:21:40,690 --> 00:21:43,084
AND SHE'S TRYING
TO CHOKE DOWN THESE PILLS.
504
00:21:43,127 --> 00:21:45,216
SHE HAD A VERY HARD TIME
TAKING PILLS.
505
00:21:45,260 --> 00:21:48,568
SO SHE'S JUST GAGGING
AND JUST GETTING THEM DOWN.
506
00:21:48,611 --> 00:21:50,657
SO I'M KEEPING
A VAGUE COUNT.
507
00:21:50,700 --> 00:21:54,182
WHEN SHE GOT AROUND 30,
A LITTLE OVER, I'M LIKE,
508
00:21:54,225 --> 00:21:55,966
"MA, THAT'S GOOD.
509
00:21:56,010 --> 00:21:57,707
YOU DON'T NEED TO DO ANYMORE.
YOU'RE FINE."
510
00:21:57,751 --> 00:22:00,623
AND SHE SAID, "I DON'T WANT
TO TAKE ANY CHANCES."
511
00:22:00,667 --> 00:22:02,364
SHE WAS SO SCARED
OF FUCKING UP.
512
00:22:02,408 --> 00:22:06,977
SHE TOOK ALL 90 MORPHINE.
THE--
513
00:22:07,021 --> 00:22:08,370
WE'RE SITTING THERE
IN HORROR, GOING,
514
00:22:08,414 --> 00:22:12,200
"YOU'RE WASTING--
MA...
515
00:22:12,243 --> 00:22:17,161
"THEY SAID 30 OF THOSE WOULD
KILL ANY HUMAN BEING ALIVE.
516
00:22:17,205 --> 00:22:20,121
"YOU COULD LEAVE 60 OF THEM
FOR ME AND BINGO
517
00:22:20,164 --> 00:22:23,907
"AS OUR ONLY INHERITANCE
OTHER THAN THE LAST
518
00:22:23,951 --> 00:22:27,346
17-YEAR-OLD BLIND CAT
YOU HAVE, GEORGIA."
519
00:22:27,389 --> 00:22:29,913
YEAH, WE COULD HAVE
60 MORPHINES
520
00:22:29,957 --> 00:22:31,872
TO HAVE
SPONTANEOUS MEMORIALS
521
00:22:31,915 --> 00:22:34,353
FOR MOTHER EVERY YEAR
AND AGAIN."
522
00:22:34,396 --> 00:22:36,050
"REMEMBER MOM?
POP A MORPHINE.
523
00:22:36,093 --> 00:22:37,399
"WHOO!
WHAT A GREAT LADY.
524
00:22:37,443 --> 00:22:39,401
WHAT A CRAZY OLD BITCH."
NO.
525
00:22:39,445 --> 00:22:44,145
HOARDER TILL THE END.
ALL FUCKING 90.
526
00:22:44,188 --> 00:22:47,017
AND THEN
WE FUCKED WITH HER.
527
00:22:47,061 --> 00:22:50,238
I REMEMBER HER LAST WORDS
AS SHE'S COMING IN AND OUT.
528
00:22:50,281 --> 00:22:52,545
BECAUSE WE'RE JUST GOOFING
ON HER AS SHE'S DOING THIS,
529
00:22:52,588 --> 00:22:54,155
AS SHE'S FADING
IN AND OUT.
530
00:22:54,198 --> 00:22:55,896
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
IF SHE WOULD RESPOND.
531
00:22:55,939 --> 00:22:58,202
SHE WAS JUST HAMMERING
COCKTAILS, SHE--
532
00:22:58,246 --> 00:23:01,031
AND SHE'S LAYING THERE,
HALF IN, HALF OUT,
533
00:23:01,075 --> 00:23:03,251
WITH A WHITE RUSSIAN ON HER
CHEST THAT SHE'D
534
00:23:03,294 --> 00:23:05,775
OCCASIONALLY GET TO HER MOUTH,
AND IT'D SPILL.
535
00:23:05,819 --> 00:23:07,168
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU COME OFF
THE WAGON,
536
00:23:07,211 --> 00:23:08,648
YOU HIT IT FUCKING HARD.
537
00:23:08,691 --> 00:23:10,214
AND IT'S PRETTY BAD
538
00:23:10,258 --> 00:23:11,564
WHEN YOU'RE TRYING
TO KEEP UP DRINKING
539
00:23:11,607 --> 00:23:15,089
WITH AN 83-POUND,
63-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.
540
00:23:15,132 --> 00:23:16,612
"AAGH."
AND I GO, "WOW.
541
00:23:16,656 --> 00:23:18,527
YOU'RE REALLY KNOCKING THOSE
BACK, MA."
542
00:23:18,571 --> 00:23:22,662
AND SHE GOES,
"THERE'S TIMES TO BE DAINTY,
543
00:23:22,705 --> 00:23:25,534
AND THERE'S TIMES
TO BE A PIG."
544
00:23:25,578 --> 00:23:28,189
[cheers and applause]
545
00:23:28,232 --> 00:23:29,930
AND WE ALL LAUGHED.
546
00:23:29,973 --> 00:23:32,541
AND THIS IS MOTHER'S PROBLEM
THROUGHOUT HER LIFE.
547
00:23:32,585 --> 00:23:35,196
SHE WAS A FUNNY LADY,
SPORADICALLY.
548
00:23:35,239 --> 00:23:38,808
BUT WHEN SHE WOULD GET A LAUGH,
SHE WOULD JUST HAMMER IT
549
00:23:38,852 --> 00:23:41,028
AND OVER-TAG IT
AND REPEAT THE JOKE.
550
00:23:41,071 --> 00:23:42,638
LIKE, JUST KEEP--
551
00:23:42,682 --> 00:23:44,553
"I CAN KEEP GETTING A LAUGH
OFF THE SAME JOKE."
552
00:23:44,597 --> 00:23:46,468
AND IT WOULD RUIN
THE JOKE.
553
00:23:46,512 --> 00:23:48,514
AND WHEN WE ALL LAUGHED AT
"THERE'S TIMES TO BE A PIG,"
554
00:23:48,557 --> 00:23:51,299
I SAW HER GO INTO--
SHE'S GONNA--AND I GO,
555
00:23:51,342 --> 00:23:54,476
"SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH.
THOSE ARE PERFECT LAST WORDS.
556
00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:58,480
YOU'RE NOT GONNA RUIN THIS JOKE.
CUT THE MIC ON MOTHER."
557
00:23:58,524 --> 00:24:03,180
AND THEN WE JUST ROASTED HER
AS SHE FELL IN AND OUT.
558
00:24:03,224 --> 00:24:05,487
WE JUST DID
A FRIAR'S CLUB ROAST,
559
00:24:05,531 --> 00:24:09,143
MAKING FUN OF HER AND
MAKING IT A FUN, DARK SUICIDE.
560
00:24:09,186 --> 00:24:12,494
"MA, WAIT.
THEY FOUND A CURE."
561
00:24:15,628 --> 00:24:18,674
"I LOVE YOU,
BUT FUCK YOU.
562
00:24:18,718 --> 00:24:23,592
I WAS A BAD MOTHER.
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU."
563
00:24:23,636 --> 00:24:27,117
AT ONE POINT,
I REMEMBER I SAID,
564
00:24:27,161 --> 00:24:30,904
"MA, IF THERE'S ANY KIND OF
WHITE LIGHT SITUATION,
565
00:24:30,947 --> 00:24:33,341
"THAT OTHER SIDE
THAT YOU GET TO,
566
00:24:33,384 --> 00:24:36,431
"IF YOU CAN COMMUNICATE
WITH US HOUDINI-STYLE,
567
00:24:36,475 --> 00:24:40,435
"SEE IF THERE'S ANY WAY
THAT YOU CAN MAKE THE SAINTS
568
00:24:40,479 --> 00:24:43,612
"COVER EIGHT POINTS
AT OAKLAND TOMORROW
569
00:24:43,656 --> 00:24:45,484
BECAUSE I HAVE MONEY
ON THE GAME."
570
00:24:45,527 --> 00:24:47,616
AND THEY DID. THE SAINTS
FUCKING BLEW THEM OUT--
571
00:24:47,660 --> 00:24:49,836
OCTOBER 12, 2008.
572
00:24:49,879 --> 00:24:52,491
THE SAINTS WON 34 TO 3.
573
00:24:52,534 --> 00:24:55,755
I'M NOT SAYING THAT'S PROOF
OF AN AFTERLIFE.
574
00:24:55,798 --> 00:24:59,193
THAT WAS JUST 40 BUCKS
THAT I WON.
575
00:24:59,236 --> 00:25:02,805
PROOF OF THE AFTERLIFE
IS THIS.
576
00:25:02,849 --> 00:25:06,679
IF THERE WERE NO AFTERLIFE,
577
00:25:06,722 --> 00:25:09,203
HOW COULD MY MOTHER
578
00:25:09,246 --> 00:25:11,858
HAVE BOUGHT ME
AND MY FRIENDS
579
00:25:11,901 --> 00:25:14,904
SO MANY NICE THINGS
580
00:25:14,948 --> 00:25:18,865
FROM THE SKYMALL CATALOG
581
00:25:18,908 --> 00:25:21,868
ON HER CREDIT CARD
582
00:25:21,911 --> 00:25:29,745
FOUR DAYS AFTER
SHE PASSED FROM THIS EARTH?
583
00:25:29,789 --> 00:25:31,704
[cheers and applause]
584
00:25:31,747 --> 00:25:34,315
ANSWER ME THAT,
YOUR HONOR.
585
00:25:34,358 --> 00:25:37,318
ANSWER ME THAT.
586
00:25:37,361 --> 00:25:41,322
IN FACT, I'D LIKE TO ENTER THESE
CREDIT CARD RECEIPTS
587
00:25:41,365 --> 00:25:44,194
INTO EVIDENCE, AGAINST
THE ADVICE OF MY ATTORNEY.
588
00:25:44,238 --> 00:25:46,022
"LOOK AT THAT.
FOUR DAYS.
589
00:25:46,066 --> 00:25:47,807
"I HAD TO SWEAR
ON YOUR BIBLE
590
00:25:47,850 --> 00:25:50,113
"JUST TO TESTIFY
IN MY OWN DEFENSE.
591
00:25:50,157 --> 00:25:53,073
"YOUR SILLY FAKE JESUS
ONLY LASTED THREE DAYS
592
00:25:53,116 --> 00:25:56,119
"BEFORE HE RAN OUT
OF THAT CAVE LIKE A PUSSY.
593
00:25:56,163 --> 00:25:59,340
"MY MOTHER? FOUR DAYS,
RELAXING UP THERE.
594
00:25:59,383 --> 00:26:02,561
SHE'S DRUNK EBAYING
LIKE I DO!"
595
00:26:08,131 --> 00:26:11,091
THAT LAST PIECE OF THAT STORY
HAS SPECIAL MEANING TO ME
596
00:26:11,134 --> 00:26:13,659
BECAUSE IN MY ENTIRE CAREER,
THAT'S THE ONLY CHUNK
597
00:26:13,702 --> 00:26:17,271
OF MATERIAL I'VE EVER HAD THAT
HAD A STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS
598
00:26:17,314 --> 00:26:20,317
BEFORE I COULD COMFORTABLY
TELL IT ON STAGE.
599
00:26:20,361 --> 00:26:24,104
THREE-YEAR STATUTE
FOR CREDIT CARD FRAUD.
600
00:26:24,147 --> 00:26:29,849
AFTER THAT, FUCK YOU.
601
00:26:29,892 --> 00:26:32,242
MOTHER DIDN'T WANT SOME
SILLY GRAVESTONE.
602
00:26:32,286 --> 00:26:33,679
THAT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING.
603
00:26:33,722 --> 00:26:36,464
MOTHER WANTED ME TO HAVE
A VOICE-ACTIVATED
604
00:26:36,507 --> 00:26:39,598
REMOTE CONTROL
R2-D2 DOLL.
605
00:26:45,691 --> 00:26:51,914
I'M JUST SAYING WE ALL
OCCUPY IN OUR OWN WAY.
606
00:26:51,958 --> 00:26:57,964
YOU OCCUPY YOUR FUCKING FILTHY
PORTLAND HIPPIE SELVES
607
00:26:58,007 --> 00:27:01,881
BECAUSE YOU HATE THE 1%
608
00:27:01,924 --> 00:27:03,447
AND YOU HATE THE BANKS
609
00:27:03,491 --> 00:27:06,102
BECAUSE OF THEIR
PREDATORY-LENDING PRACTICES
610
00:27:06,146 --> 00:27:09,453
AGAINST THE PEOPLE, AND ENSLAVE
THEM IN A LIFETIME OF DEBT.
611
00:27:09,497 --> 00:27:10,933
WHAT'D YOU DO ABOUT IT?
612
00:27:10,977 --> 00:27:13,588
YOU STUNK UP A PARK
FOR ALMOST A YEAR.
613
00:27:13,632 --> 00:27:16,722
I OCCUPY FAR
MORE EFFICIENTLY.
614
00:27:16,765 --> 00:27:19,115
MAYBE YOU SHOULD LOOK TO ME
FOR LEADERSHIP.
615
00:27:19,159 --> 00:27:21,770
I HATE THE BANKS AS WELL,
AS WE ALL DO.
616
00:27:21,814 --> 00:27:23,119
HOW DID I FUCK THEM?
617
00:27:23,163 --> 00:27:25,078
I SPENT THREE HOURS
JACKING UP
618
00:27:25,121 --> 00:27:28,124
MOTHER'S CHASE BANK VISA CARD
AFTER SHE'S DEAD
619
00:27:28,168 --> 00:27:31,824
UP TO ITS $10,000 LIMIT,
BUYING DUMB SHIT
620
00:27:31,867 --> 00:27:34,609
THAT NO ONE NEEDS AND STICKING
THEM WITH THE BILL
621
00:27:34,653 --> 00:27:37,568
BECAUSE SHE HAD NO ESTATE
EXCEPT FOR THAT BLIND,
622
00:27:37,612 --> 00:27:39,048
FUCKING LAST CAT.
623
00:27:39,092 --> 00:27:42,617
IF YOU WANT TO REPO THAT,
HAVE AT IT.
624
00:27:42,661 --> 00:27:44,053
[cheers and applause]
625
00:27:44,097 --> 00:27:48,144
THAT ACTUALLY CAUSED DAMAGE
TO THE BANK.
626
00:27:48,188 --> 00:27:50,712
NOT SITTING AROUND
WITH A DOG WITH A KERCHIEF
627
00:27:50,756 --> 00:27:53,628
AND A CARDBOARD SIGN,
"DOO DOO DOO DOO,"
628
00:27:53,672 --> 00:27:56,587
SLAPPING ON DRUMS
IN A DRUM CIRCLE.
629
00:27:56,631 --> 00:27:59,329
THE FUCKING OCCUPY MOVEMENT
WAS SUCH A LETDOWN
630
00:27:59,373 --> 00:28:00,896
BECAUSE YOU SEEMED
LIKE ME.
631
00:28:00,940 --> 00:28:02,724
ANGRY, AND WE'RE GONNA
TAKE TO THE STREETS.
632
00:28:02,768 --> 00:28:04,944
AND, HOLY SHIT,
AROUND THE GLOBE,
633
00:28:04,987 --> 00:28:06,641
PEOPLE ARE,
"FUCK THIS.
634
00:28:06,685 --> 00:28:08,077
WE'RE GONNA DO SOMETHING."
635
00:28:08,121 --> 00:28:11,037
AND WHAT DID YOU DO?
YOU FUCKED UP A PARK.
636
00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:14,431
ALL YOU FUCKED UP IN A YEAR
IS SOME GUY'S DAY
637
00:28:14,475 --> 00:28:17,043
WHO WANTED TO THROW
A FRISBEE FOR HIS DOG,
638
00:28:17,086 --> 00:28:19,698
BUT HE COULDN'T BECAUSE
YOU'RE ALL CAMPED OUT THERE.
639
00:28:19,741 --> 00:28:21,743
YOU HATE THE BANKS?
DON'T FUCK UP THE PARK.
640
00:28:21,787 --> 00:28:23,832
FUCK UP THE BANK.
641
00:28:23,876 --> 00:28:25,442
[cheers and applause]
642
00:28:25,486 --> 00:28:27,053
WHO'S IN CHARGE
OF THIS PROJECT?
643
00:28:27,096 --> 00:28:28,794
NEXT TIME, ME!
644
00:28:28,837 --> 00:28:30,970
"WE DON'T REALLY
HAVE LEADERSHIP."
645
00:28:31,013 --> 00:28:34,800
YOU NEEDED SOME!
646
00:28:34,843 --> 00:28:38,107
YOU HAVE 500 ANGRY PEOPLE
IN A PARK.
647
00:28:38,151 --> 00:28:40,806
GO BREAK THEM UP
INTO SQUADS OF 20.
648
00:28:40,849 --> 00:28:43,852
YOU CAN FUCK UP EVERY
BRANCH OF BANK OF AMERICA
649
00:28:43,896 --> 00:28:46,159
IN A 50-MILE RADIUS.
650
00:28:46,202 --> 00:28:50,163
GO THERE, AND NOT
AS ANARCHISTS, EITHER.
651
00:28:50,206 --> 00:28:51,468
THROWING BRICKS
THROUGH THE WINDOWS?
652
00:28:51,512 --> 00:28:53,732
WHAT ARE YOU,
A FUCKING TEENAGER?
653
00:28:53,775 --> 00:28:55,429
HAVE SOME INGENUITY.
654
00:28:55,472 --> 00:28:58,824
YOU LINE UP AS CUSTOMERS
AT 8:00 IN THE MORNING.
655
00:28:58,867 --> 00:29:02,566
THEY ONLY HAVE TWO DESKS
TO DO ACTUAL COMMERCE
656
00:29:02,610 --> 00:29:04,830
OTHER THAN CASHING CHECKS
AND SHIT.
657
00:29:04,873 --> 00:29:08,790
YOU CLOG UP THOSE TWO DESKS
AS BOGUS CUSTOMERS.
658
00:29:08,834 --> 00:29:11,053
SIT DOWN, CROSS YOUR LEGS,
659
00:29:11,097 --> 00:29:15,710
APPLY FOR FRIVOLOUS LOANS
ALL DAY LONG.
660
00:29:15,754 --> 00:29:18,800
THAT'S A LOT OF PAPERWORK
FOR EVERY FRIVOLOUS,
661
00:29:18,844 --> 00:29:28,157
"YES, I NEED A BILLION DOLLARS
FOR AN ANT FARM.
662
00:29:30,246 --> 00:29:32,031
"SHARPEN SOME PENCILS.
663
00:29:32,074 --> 00:29:34,468
"THAT'S A BIG STACK
OF PAPERWORK.
664
00:29:34,511 --> 00:29:37,427
I'D LOVE SOME COFFEE."
665
00:29:37,471 --> 00:29:40,996
YOU COMB YOUR DREADLOCKS
OVER TO ONE SIDE,
666
00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:44,347
PUT ON YOUR
$3 SALVATION ARMY SUIT,
667
00:29:44,391 --> 00:29:46,828
AND YOU CLOG UP
ALL THEIR TIME.
668
00:29:46,872 --> 00:29:50,266
"OR YOU COULD DENY ME THE RIGHT
TO APPLY FOR THE LOAN,
669
00:29:50,310 --> 00:29:53,835
"AND THEN I SUE THE FUCK
OUT OF YOU FOR DISCRIMINATION,
670
00:29:53,879 --> 00:29:56,795
CAUSING EVEN MORE DAMAGE
TO YOUR BOTTOM LINE."
671
00:29:56,838 --> 00:29:59,014
RATHER THAN JUST
SITTING OUT THERE IN A PARK
672
00:29:59,058 --> 00:30:01,103
GETTING TEAR-GASSED
BY COPS.
673
00:30:01,147 --> 00:30:04,019
WHAT DOES THAT DO?
WHAT ARE YOU ACCOMPLISHING?
674
00:30:04,063 --> 00:30:06,761
"I GOT IT ON TAPE.
POLICE ABUSE."
675
00:30:06,805 --> 00:30:08,981
YEAH, POLICE ABUSE PEOPLE.
THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.
676
00:30:09,024 --> 00:30:10,373
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA WIN.
677
00:30:10,417 --> 00:30:12,201
YEAH. WELL, YOU WANT
TO FIGHT THAT,
678
00:30:12,245 --> 00:30:14,813
AND EVENTUALLY THEY'LL GO,
"IT WAS JUSTIFIED."
679
00:30:14,856 --> 00:30:16,771
"I WAS LAYING THERE.
I'M PARALYZED.
680
00:30:16,815 --> 00:30:18,773
I WAS FACE-DOWN IN THE PARK.
THEY TASED ME."
681
00:30:18,817 --> 00:30:20,035
"JUSTIFIED."
682
00:30:20,079 --> 00:30:22,516
YEAH.
WHY AREN'T YOU THE COPS?
683
00:30:22,559 --> 00:30:23,822
THAT'S A BETTER IDEA.
684
00:30:23,865 --> 00:30:25,649
YOU HAD A FUCKING YEAR
IN THE PARK.
685
00:30:25,693 --> 00:30:29,001
THE FIRST WEEK OF OCCUPY,
YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED EVERYONE
686
00:30:29,044 --> 00:30:33,875
WITH NO POLICE RECORD OUT,
MADE THEM GO APPLY TO BE POLICE.
687
00:30:33,919 --> 00:30:36,704
YOU'D HAVE HAD PEOPLE THAT HAVE
GOTTEN THROUGH THE ACADEMY.
688
00:30:36,747 --> 00:30:39,881
THEY'RE IN THE WORKS NOW.
THEY'RE MOLES ON YOUR SIDE.
689
00:30:39,925 --> 00:30:42,188
THEY'RE SITTING THERE
IN A RIOT HELMET
690
00:30:42,231 --> 00:30:44,886
WITH A BLUETOOTH UNDERNEATH
THE STAR WARS HELMET,
691
00:30:44,930 --> 00:30:47,715
CALLING YOU IN THE PARK,
GIVING YOU HEADS-UPS.
692
00:30:47,758 --> 00:30:49,412
"HEY, KEVIN.
693
00:30:49,456 --> 00:30:52,894
"YOU MIGHT WANT TO PUT ON
A GAS MASK AROUND 7:45 A.M.,
694
00:30:52,938 --> 00:30:56,071
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?"
695
00:30:56,115 --> 00:30:59,596
"THANKS, SHANE, BUT WE'RE
ALREADY WEARING GAS MASKS
696
00:30:59,640 --> 00:31:03,252
"'CAUSE WE HAVEN'T SHOWERED
IN 7 1/2 MONTHS,
697
00:31:03,296 --> 00:31:06,690
"AND ANGELA'S SNATCH IS REALLY
STARTING TO REEK UP
698
00:31:06,734 --> 00:31:08,867
"THE PUP TENT SOMETHING
FEROCIOUS.
699
00:31:08,910 --> 00:31:10,825
"BUT KEEP FIGHTING
THE GOOD FIGHT.
700
00:31:10,869 --> 00:31:13,654
POWER TO THE PEOPLE!"
GOOD CHRIST.
701
00:31:13,697 --> 00:31:16,265
YOU COULD HAVE DONE SO MUCH
WITH THAT.
702
00:31:16,309 --> 00:31:19,965
THERE'S A FUCKING MILLION WAYS
YOU COULD HAVE BEEN CLEVER.
703
00:31:20,008 --> 00:31:23,664
THAT'S WHY I LOVE WIKILEAKS
AND ANONYMOUS,
704
00:31:23,707 --> 00:31:24,839
'CAUSE THEY'RE ACTUALLY
IN THERE.
705
00:31:24,883 --> 00:31:26,710
THEY'RE FUCKING
WITH THE SYSTEM.
706
00:31:26,754 --> 00:31:32,107
THEY'RE NOT SITTING AROUND
CHANTING AND SLAPPING BONGOS.
707
00:31:32,151 --> 00:31:36,024
BRADLEY MANNING DIDN'T GET
TO RELEASE ALL THAT INFORMATION
708
00:31:36,068 --> 00:31:37,808
BY SITTING
IN A DRUM CIRCLE.
709
00:31:37,852 --> 00:31:39,506
HE HAD TO GET INSIDE.
710
00:31:39,549 --> 00:31:42,204
THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD FUCKING
READ UP ON SCIENTOLOGY.
711
00:31:42,248 --> 00:31:43,553
AND I'M SERIOUS.
712
00:31:43,597 --> 00:31:46,208
SCIENTOLOGY IS BRILLIANT.
713
00:31:46,252 --> 00:31:48,819
READ THIS BOOK
INSIDE SCIENTOLOGY.
714
00:31:48,863 --> 00:31:52,823
IT'S A BREAKDOWN OF HOW
THAT EVIL MOTHERFUCKER
715
00:31:52,867 --> 00:31:56,131
CREATED THAT RELIGION
IN A MODERN TIME.
716
00:31:56,175 --> 00:31:58,438
EVERY OTHER RELIGION PEOPLE
BELIEVE IN,
717
00:31:58,481 --> 00:32:02,094
YOU ONLY BELIEVE IN IT
BECAUSE ALL YOUR ANCESTRY DID.
718
00:32:02,137 --> 00:32:06,881
THIS GUY HAD TO CREATE THIS
AND SELL IT TO ADULTS RECENTLY.
719
00:32:06,925 --> 00:32:10,754
IT'S AS STUPID AS ANY OTHER
RELIGION, BUT HOW DID HE DO IT?
720
00:32:10,798 --> 00:32:13,148
HOW DID HE CREATE
THIS LEVIATHAN?
721
00:32:13,192 --> 00:32:15,368
READ THIS BOOK
INSIDE SCIENTOLOGY
722
00:32:15,411 --> 00:32:18,719
AND APPLY THOSE EVIL TACTICS
TO OCCUPY,
723
00:32:18,762 --> 00:32:20,851
AND YOU HAVE A FUCKING
WINNING RECIPE.
724
00:32:20,895 --> 00:32:27,249
YOU FOLLOW L. RON HUBBARD'S
INTIMIDATION,
725
00:32:27,293 --> 00:32:30,905
INFILTRATION, HARASSMENT,
BLACKMAIL,
726
00:32:30,949 --> 00:32:32,863
COMPLETE ABUSE OF
THE LEGAL SYSTEM,
727
00:32:32,907 --> 00:32:36,737
WHERE YOU JUST TURN A CROSS-EYED
STINK LOOK AT SCIENTOLOGY,
728
00:32:36,780 --> 00:32:38,739
AND THEY'LL SUE YOU
INTO POVERTY.
729
00:32:38,782 --> 00:32:40,393
YOU USE THAT FOR GOOD.
730
00:32:40,436 --> 00:32:42,308
YOU KNOW WHAT
L. RON HUBBARD DIDN'T HAVE
731
00:32:42,351 --> 00:32:46,616
IN HIS MASTER PLAN
FOR WORLD DOMINATION?
732
00:32:46,660 --> 00:32:48,140
DRUM CIRCLE!
733
00:32:48,183 --> 00:32:50,881
IT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING!
734
00:32:50,925 --> 00:32:53,014
NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR THAT.
735
00:32:53,058 --> 00:32:54,885
IT'S ANNOYING AS SHIT.
736
00:32:54,929 --> 00:32:57,192
YOU HAD ENOUGH TIME
IN A YEAR
737
00:32:57,236 --> 00:32:59,847
TO LEARN HOW TO PLAY
REAL INSTRUMENTS.
738
00:32:59,890 --> 00:33:01,196
YOU COULD HAVE HAD
739
00:33:01,240 --> 00:33:03,851
A WHOLE NEW ORLEANS-STYLE
JAZZ SWING BAND
740
00:33:03,894 --> 00:33:08,508
THAT PEOPLE WANT TO HEAR.
741
00:33:08,551 --> 00:33:11,076
BUT INSTEAD, WHAT?
742
00:33:11,119 --> 00:33:12,077
I'M NOT AGAINST YOU.
743
00:33:12,120 --> 00:33:14,514
I APPRECIATE THE PASSION.
744
00:33:14,557 --> 00:33:18,518
I DON'T KNOW HOW ANYONE
WHO HAS A CAUSE IN LIFE
745
00:33:18,561 --> 00:33:20,302
WHERE THEY PUT THAT MUCH TIME
AND EFFORT
746
00:33:20,346 --> 00:33:22,391
INTO TRYING TO CHANGE
SOMETHING--
747
00:33:22,435 --> 00:33:24,089
HOW DO YOU PICK ONE THING?
748
00:33:24,132 --> 00:33:26,439
HOW DO YOU WAKE UP
IN THE MORNING
749
00:33:26,482 --> 00:33:30,747
AND LOOK AT THE BILLIONS OF
THINGS THAT SUCK ON THIS PLANET?
750
00:33:30,791 --> 00:33:32,749
YOU LOG INTO
YOUR YAHOO! NEWS
751
00:33:32,793 --> 00:33:35,187
AND IT'S JUST COUNTRIES YOU
DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WERE COUNTRIES
752
00:33:35,230 --> 00:33:37,406
HAVE PROBLEMS
YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW EXISTED.
753
00:33:37,450 --> 00:33:39,191
HOW DO YOU PICK
ONE SLIVER OF THAT
754
00:33:39,234 --> 00:33:41,106
AND DECIDE,
THAT'S THE ONE.
755
00:33:41,149 --> 00:33:45,414
WE HAVE TO PRINT UP T-SHIRTS
AND HAVE A CAR WASH.
756
00:33:45,458 --> 00:33:46,850
I WOULD BE SO CONFUSED.
757
00:33:46,894 --> 00:33:48,635
I WANT TO MAKE CHANGE.
758
00:33:48,678 --> 00:33:51,420
HOW DO YOU PICK SOMETHING
IF IT HASN'T AFFECTED YOU?
759
00:33:51,464 --> 00:33:52,856
OH, JUVENILE DIABETES?
760
00:33:52,900 --> 00:33:54,075
WELL, I DON'T KNOW,
BUT I HAVE
761
00:33:54,119 --> 00:33:55,555
LOTS OF FREE TIME
DURING THE DAY.
762
00:33:55,598 --> 00:33:57,122
I GUESS I SHOULD--OH, WAIT.
763
00:33:57,165 --> 00:33:59,341
SPINA BIFIDA,
AND THE GUY'S RIGHT HERE,
764
00:33:59,385 --> 00:34:00,864
AND HE'S UNCOMFORTABLE
TO LOOK AT.
765
00:34:00,908 --> 00:34:03,171
SO MAYBE I'LL GO
WITH THIS GUY'S CAUSE.
766
00:34:03,215 --> 00:34:07,175
AND CLITORAL CIRCUMCISION
IN THE THIRD WORLD?
767
00:34:07,219 --> 00:34:10,178
I KNOW THAT GIVES ME A HANDY
EXCUSE FOR NOT FINDING IT,
768
00:34:10,222 --> 00:34:13,529
BUT THAT'S SELFISH, AND I HAVE
TO STOP THINKING ABOUT ME.
769
00:34:13,573 --> 00:34:17,142
AND AS SOON AS YOU FOCUS
ON ONE THING,
770
00:34:17,185 --> 00:34:19,709
HERE COMES SARAH MCLACHLAN
ON THE TV
771
00:34:19,753 --> 00:34:22,712
WITH THE SKINNY, SAD PUPPIES
AND THE ABUSED--
772
00:34:22,756 --> 00:34:24,975
"IN THE ARMS OF AN ANGEL."
773
00:34:25,019 --> 00:34:26,629
I DON'T KNOW WHY ANIMALS
774
00:34:26,673 --> 00:34:30,633
ALWAYS SEEM TO TRUMP
ANY HUMAN CAUSE, BUT THEY DO.
775
00:34:30,677 --> 00:34:33,941
AND NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME ABOUT
FUCKING CORRECTIVE RAPE,
776
00:34:33,984 --> 00:34:36,944
WHICH IS SOME WEIRD THING
IN SOUTH AFRICA, YOU KNOW?
777
00:34:36,987 --> 00:34:40,078
CORRECTIVE RAPE IS WHERE
THEY GANG-RAPE LESBIANS
778
00:34:40,121 --> 00:34:42,297
TO TRY TO CURE THEM,
AND I WANT TO--
779
00:34:42,341 --> 00:34:46,475
I'M BEHIND THAT,
JUST TO BRING ATTENTION TO IT,
780
00:34:46,519 --> 00:34:48,956
'CAUSE THE TERM
"CORRECTIVE RAPE"
781
00:34:48,999 --> 00:34:51,306
IS SUCH A GOOD
COMEDY REFERENCE
782
00:34:51,350 --> 00:34:53,482
THAT I DEMAND
A BIGGER LAUGH
783
00:34:53,526 --> 00:34:54,918
WHEN I MENTION
CORRECTIVE RAPE,
784
00:34:54,962 --> 00:34:56,485
BUT NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT IT.
785
00:34:56,529 --> 00:34:58,574
SO, I WANT TO BRING ATTENTION
TO YOUR CAUSE.
786
00:34:58,618 --> 00:35:00,141
I JUST DON'T KNOW
HOW YOU PICK.
787
00:35:00,185 --> 00:35:04,754
IF I HAD ANY CAUSE
OVER THE COURSE OF MY CAREER
788
00:35:04,798 --> 00:35:06,756
THAT I'VE BITCHED
THE MOST ABOUT,
789
00:35:06,800 --> 00:35:09,194
IT'S OVERPOPULATION,
WHICH IS THE ROOT
790
00:35:09,237 --> 00:35:11,631
OF MOST OF THE OTHER PROBLEMS
YOU CARE ABOUT.
791
00:35:11,674 --> 00:35:15,504
ANTI-CHILDREN, BUT I DON'T KNOW
WHERE TO SEND A CHECK.
792
00:35:15,548 --> 00:35:18,551
I DON'T KNOW.
LIKE, WHAT DO YOU DO?
793
00:35:18,594 --> 00:35:20,640
THE ONLY SOLUTION THAT
I'VE EVER COME UP WITH,
794
00:35:20,683 --> 00:35:24,861
WHICH I THINK IS GREAT,
BUT NO ONE'S GOTTEN ON BOARD,
795
00:35:24,905 --> 00:35:28,865
INCENTIVE-BASED EUGENICS.
796
00:35:28,909 --> 00:35:32,478
EUGENICS WAS A PRACTICE
OF STERILIZING PEOPLE.
797
00:35:32,521 --> 00:35:35,350
HITLER GOT A LOT
OF THE CREDIT FOR IT,
798
00:35:35,394 --> 00:35:38,179
BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY DONE
IN THIS COUNTRY
799
00:35:38,223 --> 00:35:42,662
LONG BEFORE HITLER
EVEN KNEW WHO HE WAS MAD AT.
800
00:35:42,705 --> 00:35:46,361
WE WERE PRACTICING EUGENICS
IN THIS COUNTRY.
801
00:35:46,405 --> 00:35:48,363
EUGENICS WAS THE PRACTICE
802
00:35:48,407 --> 00:35:56,371
OF FORCED STERILIZATION OF
UNDESIRABLES, WHICH SOUNDS BAD.
803
00:35:56,415 --> 00:36:00,984
AND THE WAY THEY DID IT
WAS BAD 'CAUSE THEY WOULD--
804
00:36:01,028 --> 00:36:03,596
FIRST OF ALL,
THE FORCE IS WRONG.
805
00:36:03,639 --> 00:36:06,381
YOU DON'T FORCE PEOPLE TO DO
THINGS THEY DON'T WANT TO DO.
806
00:36:06,425 --> 00:36:10,603
AND, "B," WHO DECIDES
WHO'S UNDESIRABLE?
807
00:36:10,646 --> 00:36:12,170
THEY WERE DOING IT
IN THIS COUNTRY
808
00:36:12,213 --> 00:36:13,823
AT THE TURN
OF THE 20TH CENTURY,
809
00:36:13,867 --> 00:36:16,261
WHICH IS THE 1900S,
FOR A LOT OF MY FANS.
810
00:36:16,304 --> 00:36:18,176
EARLY 1900S.
811
00:36:18,219 --> 00:36:23,311
TO CRIMINALS, PERVERTS,
WHICH IS WAY TOO VAGUE,
812
00:36:23,355 --> 00:36:26,706
THE MENTALLY ILL,
MENTALLY RETARDED,
813
00:36:26,749 --> 00:36:30,405
HOMOSEXUALS,
WHICH MAKES PERFECT SENSE.
814
00:36:30,449 --> 00:36:34,583
WE DON'T WANT THEM
BREEDING.
815
00:36:34,627 --> 00:36:39,022
HAVE LITTLE QUEERS RUNNING
ALL UP AND DOWN LIKE GREMLINS.
816
00:36:39,066 --> 00:36:41,068
BUT IF YOU TOOK AWAY
THE FORCE,
817
00:36:41,111 --> 00:36:43,288
AND YOU JUST MADE IT
INCENTIVE-BASED
818
00:36:43,331 --> 00:36:46,595
FOR PEOPLE WILLING
TO STERILIZE THEMSELVES.
819
00:36:46,639 --> 00:36:50,120
OFFER UP
SOME WHITE TRASH PRIZES.
820
00:36:50,164 --> 00:36:55,038
YOU KNOW, NASCAR PIT PASS,
MEET YOUR FAVORITE DRIVER.
821
00:36:55,082 --> 00:36:57,345
ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO
IS SNIP THE SAC.
822
00:36:57,389 --> 00:36:59,521
"REALLY?"
823
00:36:59,565 --> 00:37:02,655
YEAR'S SUPPLY
OF SUNNY DELIGHT.
824
00:37:02,698 --> 00:37:04,526
YOU WANT SOME SUNNY D,
DON'T YOU?
825
00:37:04,570 --> 00:37:07,225
ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS PUTTY UP
THAT FRONT HOLE, LADY.
826
00:37:07,268 --> 00:37:09,531
YOU STILL HAVE
TWO HOLES LEFT
827
00:37:09,575 --> 00:37:11,838
TO TRICK GUYS
OUT OF DRINKS AT THE BAR.
828
00:37:11,881 --> 00:37:15,276
WHAT DO WE GOT TO DO?
829
00:37:15,320 --> 00:37:20,629
"ARE YOU TELLING ME,
IF I CUT OFF MY BALLS,
830
00:37:20,673 --> 00:37:25,286
I'M GOING CROSSBOW HUNTING
WITH TED NUGENT?"
831
00:37:25,330 --> 00:37:27,810
WELL, SHIT, YEAH.
832
00:37:27,854 --> 00:37:30,073
"NO. NO, SIR, SIR, SIR.
WAIT, NO.
833
00:37:30,117 --> 00:37:32,119
"WE DON'T ACTUALLY
CUT OFF YOUR BALLS.
834
00:37:32,162 --> 00:37:35,557
WE JUST MAKE A SMALL INCISION
WITH A LOCAL ANESTHETIC."
835
00:37:35,601 --> 00:37:40,258
"FUCK YOU. I WANT YOU
TO CUT OFF MY WHOLE BALLS.
836
00:37:40,301 --> 00:37:43,435
"I'M GONNA HANG THEM
FROM MY REAR-VIEW MIRROR
837
00:37:43,478 --> 00:37:45,741
"LIKE A LUCKY RABBIT'S FOOT.
838
00:37:45,785 --> 00:37:49,267
"I'M GOING CROSSBOW HUNTING
WITH THE NUGE.
839
00:37:49,310 --> 00:37:54,272
I AIN'T NEVER WON NOTHING
IN MY LIFE."
840
00:38:00,539 --> 00:38:04,282
THAT'S A WORKABLE PLAN.
841
00:38:04,325 --> 00:38:07,502
CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT.
842
00:38:07,546 --> 00:38:10,592
IT JUST WON'T HAPPEN.
HERE'S WHAT I THINK.
843
00:38:10,636 --> 00:38:12,551
IF YOU'RE BEHIND
WHATEVER YOU'RE BEHIND,
844
00:38:12,594 --> 00:38:15,597
WE SHOULD TRIAGE
ALL CHARITY.
845
00:38:15,641 --> 00:38:20,167
SO WE TAKE THE MOST IMPORTANT
AND MOST EASILY SOLVED FIRST.
846
00:38:20,210 --> 00:38:23,301
EVERYONE WORKS ON THAT, AND
WE'LL GET TO YOURS EVENTUALLY.
847
00:38:23,344 --> 00:38:27,435
I WOULD START WITH STARVING
PEOPLE IN A WORLD FULL OF FOOD.
848
00:38:27,479 --> 00:38:31,787
THAT SEEMS EASY TO SOLVE.
849
00:38:31,831 --> 00:38:35,530
YOU DON'T NEED SCIENTISTS WITH
LAB REPORTS AND YEARS, NO.
850
00:38:35,574 --> 00:38:38,838
THERE'S LOTS OF SHITLOADS
OF FOOD.
851
00:38:38,881 --> 00:38:41,144
THERE'S JUST
A TRANSIT PROBLEM.
852
00:38:41,188 --> 00:38:45,801
GET SOMEONE FROM FEDEX,
GET THE FOOD THERE.
853
00:38:45,845 --> 00:38:49,065
WE LIVE IN A PLACE, FUCKING
HORSE MEAT IS A SCANDAL.
854
00:38:49,109 --> 00:38:50,502
THEY FOUND HORSE MEAT.
855
00:38:50,545 --> 00:38:53,418
"HOW DARE--OH, MY GOD.
HAVE YOU HEARD?
856
00:38:53,461 --> 00:38:58,858
"THERE WAS HORSE MEAT IN MY
FROZEN, PROCESSED LASAGNA MEAL.
857
00:38:58,901 --> 00:39:04,037
HOW DARE THEY PUT A MORE LEAN
AND NUTRITIONAL MEAT?"
858
00:39:04,080 --> 00:39:08,041
AND NOW WE'RE GONNA DUMP IT
BY THE WAREHOUSEFULS
859
00:39:08,084 --> 00:39:09,999
IN THE GARBAGE DUMPS,
860
00:39:10,043 --> 00:39:13,351
WHILE PEOPLE ARE STARVING
TO DEATH ON THIS PLANET.
861
00:39:13,394 --> 00:39:14,395
THAT MAKES NO SENSE.
862
00:39:14,439 --> 00:39:16,397
I CAN SOLVE THAT.
YEAH.
863
00:39:16,441 --> 00:39:19,705
TAKE THAT FOOD AND FEED
THE PEOPLE THAT DON'T HAVE IT.
864
00:39:19,748 --> 00:39:22,882
AND THEN WE GET DOWN TO
THE NEXT MOST IMPORTANT
865
00:39:22,925 --> 00:39:25,406
AND THE WRONGLY ACCUSED
AND THE TORTURE
866
00:39:25,450 --> 00:39:28,496
AND THE THING
AND THE DISEASE AND--
867
00:39:28,540 --> 00:39:30,237
OCCUPY IS LOWER,
868
00:39:30,280 --> 00:39:32,805
AND THEN, SAVE THE MANATEES
EVEN LOWER THAN THAT.
869
00:39:32,848 --> 00:39:35,329
AND EVENTUALLY, HOPEFULLY,
IN A PERFECT WORLD,
870
00:39:35,373 --> 00:39:38,724
WE'D GET DOWN TO THE BOTTOM,
WHICH IS TOYS FOR TOTS.
871
00:39:38,767 --> 00:39:43,293
HOW FUCKING EMBARRASSING IS IT
TO LIVE IN A COUNTRY
872
00:39:43,337 --> 00:39:45,034
WHERE TOYS FOR TOTS
873
00:39:45,078 --> 00:39:49,125
IS AN ACTUAL RECOGNIZED,
LEGITIMATE CHARITY?
874
00:39:49,169 --> 00:39:53,695
GOD FORBID LITTLE DANIEL
GO THROUGH SOME BOGUS HOLIDAY
875
00:39:53,739 --> 00:39:58,613
MADE FOR SOME FAKE DEITY
WITHOUT LINCOLN LOGS.
876
00:39:58,657 --> 00:40:02,835
THE HORROR.
THE HORROR.
877
00:40:02,878 --> 00:40:06,055
THAT'S WHY THEY HAVE TO HAVE
MARINES AND BIKERS
878
00:40:06,099 --> 00:40:09,711
ENFORCE THAT SHIT
LIKE HENCHMEN.
879
00:40:09,755 --> 00:40:11,409
'CAUSE OTHERWISE,
YOU'D JUST GO, "FUCK YOU.
880
00:40:11,452 --> 00:40:13,585
TOYS?
THERE'S STARVING PEOPLE."
881
00:40:13,628 --> 00:40:16,022
AND THEN SOME BIG,
FUCKING, CREW-CUT GUY.
882
00:40:16,065 --> 00:40:18,154
"I FUCKING FOUGHT
FOR YOUR FREEDOM!
883
00:40:18,198 --> 00:40:21,593
GIVE ME A GODDAMNED LEGO
FOR THE KID!"
884
00:40:25,858 --> 00:40:28,295
IT'S GONNA BE TOUGH.
885
00:40:34,562 --> 00:40:39,524
WHATEVER YOUR CAUSE,
YOUR CHARITY, OR YOUR DRIVE,
886
00:40:39,567 --> 00:40:42,527
YOUR EFFORT, AUDIT IT.
887
00:40:42,570 --> 00:40:46,444
MAKE SURE, 'CAUSE SO MUCH OF IT
IS SYMBOLISM OVER SUBSTANCE,
888
00:40:46,487 --> 00:40:50,273
WHERE PEOPLE THINK THEY'RE
HELPING BY DOING NOTHING.
889
00:40:50,317 --> 00:40:54,016
AUDIT ALL THE TIME AND EFFORT,
AND SEE IF YOU'RE ACTUALLY
890
00:40:54,060 --> 00:40:56,758
AFFECTING CHANGE
RATHER THAN JUST,
891
00:40:56,802 --> 00:41:00,675
"OH, WE'RE GONNA HAVE
A 10K FUN RUN FOR THE CURE.
892
00:41:00,719 --> 00:41:02,372
"COME ON DOWN ON SUNDAY.
893
00:41:02,416 --> 00:41:05,114
IT'S A 10K FUN RUN
FOR THE CURE."
894
00:41:05,158 --> 00:41:06,899
WHY? WHY?
895
00:41:06,942 --> 00:41:09,205
WHEN HAS RUNNING
EVER CURED ANYTHING?
896
00:41:09,249 --> 00:41:12,426
I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE CAUSE
AND EFFECT ON THIS.
897
00:41:12,470 --> 00:41:15,298
IS THAT HOW
JONAS SALK CURED POLIO,
898
00:41:15,342 --> 00:41:18,214
IS BY SPEED-WALKING
AROUND THE TRACK
899
00:41:18,258 --> 00:41:22,784
DOWN AT ST. MARY'S HIGH SCHOOL
WITH A WIFE BEATER ON
900
00:41:22,828 --> 00:41:25,526
AND A PAPER NUMBER
SAFETY-PINNED TO HIS BACK?
901
00:41:25,570 --> 00:41:27,615
"OH, WE'RE DOING IT
FOR THE CURE."
902
00:41:27,659 --> 00:41:29,095
HOW ARE YOU CURING ANYTHING?
903
00:41:29,138 --> 00:41:31,271
"WELL, WHAT I DO
IS I GET SPONSORS.
904
00:41:31,314 --> 00:41:34,013
"AND EVERY TIME I GO AROUND
THE TRACK ANOTHER TIME,
905
00:41:34,056 --> 00:41:37,364
"MY SPONSOR GIVES ME ANOTHER
QUARTER FOR THE CURE.
906
00:41:37,407 --> 00:41:40,149
SO I'VE GOT TO GO
AS MANY TIMES AS I..."
907
00:41:40,193 --> 00:41:44,197
ARE YOUR FRIENDS THAT SICK
AND SADOMASOCHISTIC
908
00:41:44,240 --> 00:41:47,026
THAT THEY WOULDN'T JUST
CUT YOU A CHECK OUTRIGHT
909
00:41:47,069 --> 00:41:49,158
FOR THE CURE?
910
00:41:49,202 --> 00:41:53,423
THEY MAKE YOU DO WEIRD SHIT
FIRST?
911
00:41:53,467 --> 00:41:57,558
"LARRY, YOU KNOW MY DAUGHTER
WAS BORN WITH CEREBRAL PALSY.
912
00:41:57,602 --> 00:42:00,126
AND WE'RE TRYING TO GET A BIG
FUNDRAISER GOING."
913
00:42:00,169 --> 00:42:02,345
"REALLY?"
"YEAH.
914
00:42:02,389 --> 00:42:06,524
"HOW MANY HARD-BOILED EGGS
WILL YOU EAT?
915
00:42:06,567 --> 00:42:08,482
"COME ON.
COME ON.
916
00:42:08,526 --> 00:42:11,267
YOU LOVE YOUR KID, RIGHT?
COME ON."
917
00:42:11,311 --> 00:42:14,270
NO, THEY WOULD CUT YOU
A CHECK OUTRIGHT,
918
00:42:14,314 --> 00:42:16,577
BUT YOU'RE THAT MUCH OF
A FUCKING MEGALOMANIAC
919
00:42:16,621 --> 00:42:19,014
THAT YOU HAVE
TO MAKE THE CURE ABOUT YOU.
920
00:42:19,058 --> 00:42:20,712
YOU NEED SPOTLIGHT IN THIS.
921
00:42:20,755 --> 00:42:22,061
YOU COULD JUST
GET A CHECK,
922
00:42:22,104 --> 00:42:24,150
BUT NO ONE'S GONNA
FUCKING BE,
923
00:42:24,193 --> 00:42:27,109
"OH, NO. YOU KNOW, THE TRUTH IS,
I DO THIS SAME SPEED WALK
924
00:42:27,153 --> 00:42:29,242
"AT ST. MARY'S
EVERY MORNING AT 6:30
925
00:42:29,285 --> 00:42:31,766
"BEFORE WORK
WITH MY LABRADOR, SHEBA.
926
00:42:31,810 --> 00:42:33,594
"TRYING TO SHED A FEW POUNDS,
YOU KNOW.
927
00:42:33,638 --> 00:42:37,032
"BUT NO ONE CLAPS FOR ME THEN
AND CALLS ME HEROIC.
928
00:42:37,076 --> 00:42:39,382
"SO I'M GONNA DO IT ON SUNDAY
AFTERNOON FOR THE CURE,
929
00:42:39,426 --> 00:42:42,864
AND EVERYONE'S GONNA GO,
'GO, RAY, GO!'"
930
00:42:42,908 --> 00:42:45,127
YEAH, YOU COULD DO IT,
BUT YOU WANT TO FUCKING--
931
00:42:45,171 --> 00:42:50,263
IT'S A 10K FUN RUN ABOUT YOU,
YOU FUCKING MEGALOMANIAC.
932
00:42:50,306 --> 00:42:52,482
STOP IT.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT DOING SHIT.
933
00:42:52,526 --> 00:42:54,267
YOU COULD JUST GET THE CHECK
FROM YOUR FRIEND
934
00:42:54,310 --> 00:42:55,660
AND THEN ACTUALLY
DO SOMETHING
935
00:42:55,703 --> 00:42:57,575
THAT MEANS SOMETHING
OTHER THAN RUNNING.
936
00:42:57,618 --> 00:43:01,404
"WE'RE GETTING DONATIONS,
AND WE'RE PETITIONING CITY HALL
937
00:43:01,448 --> 00:43:05,234
"FOR A SPOT IN THE PARK
TO MAKE A BIG, GRANITE SLAB
938
00:43:05,278 --> 00:43:06,888
"FOR THE VICTIMS
AND THE SUFFERERS
939
00:43:06,932 --> 00:43:08,673
"AND THE SURVIVORS OF
THE THING.
940
00:43:08,716 --> 00:43:11,850
"AND THEN WE'RE GONNA
PAINSTAKINGLY ETCH EACH NAME
941
00:43:11,893 --> 00:43:15,244
OF THE PEOPLE INTO THE STONE
AT GREAT EXPENSE."
942
00:43:15,288 --> 00:43:17,072
FOR WHAT?
IT'S A FUCKING CHUNK OF ROCK.
943
00:43:17,116 --> 00:43:18,508
IT DOESN'T HELP.
944
00:43:18,552 --> 00:43:19,988
PUT THAT TIME AND EFFORT
AND MONEY
945
00:43:20,032 --> 00:43:21,468
INTO ACTUALLY SOMETHING
946
00:43:21,511 --> 00:43:23,601
THAT'S CALCULATED
THAT ACTUALLY HELPS.
947
00:43:23,644 --> 00:43:25,994
"WE'RE GONNA KNIT
A SARS QUILT.
948
00:43:26,038 --> 00:43:30,999
"IT'S GONNA TAKE
ALL SUMMER LONG.
949
00:43:31,043 --> 00:43:33,001
"'CAUSE THERE'S PEOPLE
WITH SARS,
950
00:43:33,045 --> 00:43:35,134
AND THEY'RE CHILLY WITH SARS,
AND THEY NEED A QUILT."
951
00:43:35,177 --> 00:43:36,439
WHAT?
952
00:43:36,483 --> 00:43:38,920
"WE'RE GONNA HAVE
A PRAYER CIRCLE.
953
00:43:38,964 --> 00:43:42,184
WE'RE GONNA HAVE A CANDLELIGHT
VIGIL AT MIDNIGHT."
954
00:43:42,228 --> 00:43:46,058
COULD YOU DO LESS?
MATHEMATICALLY.
955
00:43:46,101 --> 00:43:48,451
ASK YOUR ACCOUNTANT
IF THERE'S ANY WAY
956
00:43:48,495 --> 00:43:52,151
YOU COULD DO ANY LESS
THAN THAT.
957
00:43:52,194 --> 00:43:54,544
"WELL, WE ARE RAISING
AWARENESS."
958
00:43:54,588 --> 00:43:58,461
RAISING AWARENESS IS ANOTHER
FORM OF DOING NOTHING.
959
00:43:58,505 --> 00:44:01,900
ONLY NOW YOU'RE MAKING ME
AWARE THAT THE NOTHING
960
00:44:01,943 --> 00:44:04,511
THAT I'VE BEEN DOING
IS NOT UP TO PAR
961
00:44:04,554 --> 00:44:06,295
WITH THE NOTHING
THAT YOU'RE DOING
962
00:44:06,339 --> 00:44:09,516
FOR SUCH A NOBLE CAUSE.
963
00:44:09,559 --> 00:44:12,171
WHY DON'T YOU DO MY NOTHING
FOR YOUR CAUSE?
964
00:44:12,214 --> 00:44:15,217
WE'LL WATCH STORAGE WARS
FOR THE CURE,
965
00:44:15,261 --> 00:44:21,397
AND THEN WE'LL BOTH BE HAPPY
IN OUR IMPOTENCE.
966
00:44:21,441 --> 00:44:25,967
AND WE'LL FIND OUT
WHAT'S IN THAT SAFE.
967
00:44:26,011 --> 00:44:27,621
WE ALL WIN.
968
00:44:27,665 --> 00:44:32,234
RAISING AWARENESS IS ME STANDING
NEXT TO A DRAINAGE DITCH
969
00:44:32,278 --> 00:44:36,761
WHERE A GUY JUST HIT A GOAT
WITH HIS MOPED ON THE HIGHWAY.
970
00:44:36,804 --> 00:44:38,153
AND NOW
THEY'RE IN THE DITCH,
971
00:44:38,197 --> 00:44:41,548
LAYING IN THE MUCK
WITH COMPOUND FRACTURES.
972
00:44:41,591 --> 00:44:44,464
AND THE DUDE'S GOT A BONE
STICKING THROUGH HIS LEG.
973
00:44:44,507 --> 00:44:47,510
AND THE FUCKING GOAT'S GOT
A BONE STICKING THROUGH HIS FUR.
974
00:44:47,554 --> 00:44:49,687
THEY'RE BOTH LAYING THERE
IN AGONY.
975
00:44:49,730 --> 00:44:53,691
AND I'M RAISING AWARENESS
BY STANDING ABOVE THEM,
976
00:44:53,734 --> 00:45:03,701
SHOUTING DOWN AN EMPTY HIGHWAY,
"LOOK! LOOK! EWW!
977
00:45:04,571 --> 00:45:08,183
EWW, LOOK. OOH."
978
00:45:08,227 --> 00:45:10,490
AND THEY'RE GOING,
"NO, HELP."
979
00:45:10,533 --> 00:45:14,015
AND I'M GOING,
"NO, NO, NO. LOOK!"
980
00:45:14,059 --> 00:45:17,932
IT'S WAY EASIER
TO JUST LOOK.
981
00:45:17,976 --> 00:45:22,371
ARE YOU AWARE
OF BREAST CANCER?
982
00:45:22,415 --> 00:45:24,591
FUCKING THE ENTIRE MONTH
OF OCTOBER
983
00:45:24,634 --> 00:45:26,636
IS BREAST CANCER
AWARENESS MONTH.
984
00:45:26,680 --> 00:45:30,553
THE ENTIRE COUNTRY TURNS PINK
SO YOU CAN'T NOT BE AWARE.
985
00:45:30,597 --> 00:45:33,382
ALL YOUR PRODUCTS,
YOU GO TO THE GROCERY STORE.
986
00:45:33,426 --> 00:45:35,907
"USUALLY I BUY
THE PROGRESSO SOUP.
987
00:45:35,950 --> 00:45:38,300
"BUT THIS MONTH, I'M GONNA GET
THE ONE WITH THE PINK RIBBON,
988
00:45:38,344 --> 00:45:42,652
"SO I KNOW THAT I'VE DONE
ALL I CAN TO HELP MY FELLOW MAN.
989
00:45:42,696 --> 00:45:45,220
"I DON'T READ THE FINE PRINT
THAT SAYS,
990
00:45:45,264 --> 00:45:50,269
".000001 CENTS OF EVERY CAN
991
00:45:50,312 --> 00:45:53,272
UP TO A VERY MINIMAL AMOUNT
GOES TO--"
992
00:45:53,315 --> 00:45:56,579
OH, IT ACTUALLY GOES NOWHERE
NEAR A TITTY, EVER, AT ALL.
993
00:45:56,623 --> 00:45:58,146
IT GOES TO MORE
PROMOTIONAL MATERIAL
994
00:45:58,190 --> 00:45:59,887
ASKING FOR MORE MONEY
995
00:45:59,931 --> 00:46:03,151
AND TO GIVE
VERY DUBIOUS MEDICAL ADVICE
996
00:46:03,195 --> 00:46:05,980
WHERE A LOT OF TITTIES GET
CHOPPED OFF THAT DIDN'T NEED TO
997
00:46:06,024 --> 00:46:07,852
BECAUSE WE'RE AN INDUSTRY,
NOT A CHARITY ANYMORE.
998
00:46:07,895 --> 00:46:09,636
I DON'T READ THAT PART.
999
00:46:09,679 --> 00:46:12,770
I JUST SEE THE PINK RIBBON
AND KNOW THAT I'M HELPING.
1000
00:46:15,816 --> 00:46:18,906
YOU'VE DESTROYED
THE COLOR PINK.
1001
00:46:18,950 --> 00:46:20,603
THERE'S NO NEED FOR THAT.
1002
00:46:20,647 --> 00:46:23,693
I LIKE THE COLOR PINK,
AND YOU'VE RUINED IT.
1003
00:46:23,737 --> 00:46:25,608
YOU SEE PINK, THAT'S ALL
YOU CAN THINK ABOUT.
1004
00:46:25,652 --> 00:46:27,785
I HAVE A PINK BEDROOM.
MY BEDROOM IS PINK.
1005
00:46:27,828 --> 00:46:29,787
I CAN'T SLEEP IN IT
DURING OCTOBER
1006
00:46:29,830 --> 00:46:32,093
'CAUSE YOU JUST SEE THE COLOR,
AND ALL YOU THINK ABOUT
1007
00:46:32,137 --> 00:46:34,356
IS GIANT,
METASTASIZING TITTIES
1008
00:46:34,400 --> 00:46:37,533
SUCKING THE LIFE
OUT OF SOME POOR WOMAN.
1009
00:46:37,577 --> 00:46:39,666
WHY DO YOU FUCK UP A COLOR?
1010
00:46:39,709 --> 00:46:42,321
ASSOCIATE IT WITH SOMETHING ELSE
THAT'S NEGATIVE.
1011
00:46:42,364 --> 00:46:43,975
YOU KNOW, "TRAFFIC AND WEATHER
BROUGHT TO YOU
1012
00:46:44,018 --> 00:46:46,847
"AT THE TOP OF THE HOUR
ON FUCKING 620 AM.
1013
00:46:46,891 --> 00:46:48,501
"HEY, TRAFFIC SUCKS AGAIN.
1014
00:46:48,544 --> 00:46:51,460
THIS IS BROUGHT TO YOU
BY BREAST CANCER."
1015
00:46:51,504 --> 00:46:53,419
AND THAT WAY, NEXT TIME
YOU'RE STUCK IN TRAFFIC,
1016
00:46:53,462 --> 00:46:54,812
YOU GO, "OH, WOW. FUCK.
1017
00:46:54,855 --> 00:46:56,726
"THIS SUCKS,
BUT NOT AS BAD AS CANCER.
1018
00:46:56,770 --> 00:46:58,990
MAYBE I SHOULD TRY TO HELP."
1019
00:46:59,033 --> 00:47:00,687
DON'T FUCK UP A COLOR.
1020
00:47:00,730 --> 00:47:02,254
DO YOU WATCH FOOTBALL?
1021
00:47:02,297 --> 00:47:04,604
THIS IS WHERE
IT WENT TOO FAR WITH ME.
1022
00:47:04,647 --> 00:47:07,476
THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE
PARTICIPATES
1023
00:47:07,520 --> 00:47:09,870
IN BREAST CANCER
AWARENESS MONTH.
1024
00:47:09,914 --> 00:47:12,699
FIRST OF ALL, WHY IS IT
BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH
1025
00:47:12,742 --> 00:47:16,529
RATHER THAN
CANCER AWARENESS MONTH?
1026
00:47:16,572 --> 00:47:19,053
I ASSUME IF YOU CURE
BREAST CANCER,
1027
00:47:19,097 --> 00:47:22,970
THAT WOULD CURE ASS CANCER
AND FACE CANCER AND SHIT CANCER.
1028
00:47:23,014 --> 00:47:25,277
IT'S CANCER.
1029
00:47:25,320 --> 00:47:28,236
'CAUSE TITTIES SELL TICKETS,
STUPID!
1030
00:47:28,280 --> 00:47:30,238
OKAY, I FORGET
THE MARKETING ANGLE.
1031
00:47:30,282 --> 00:47:31,849
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT ON THAT.
1032
00:47:31,892 --> 00:47:36,505
STILL, THE NATIONAL
FOOTBALL LEAGUE PARTICIPATES
1033
00:47:36,549 --> 00:47:39,508
WITH THE PINK GLOVES
AND JUST PINK ON THE PLAYERS.
1034
00:47:39,552 --> 00:47:43,861
WHERE IF YOU THINK FOOTBALL
IS STUPID, YOU'RE RIGHT.
1035
00:47:43,904 --> 00:47:46,602
BUT IT'S MY STUPID.
1036
00:47:46,646 --> 00:47:48,387
YOU HAVE YOUR STUPID.
1037
00:47:48,430 --> 00:47:51,694
YOU CAN JUDGE ME IN SPORTS.
YOU HAVE YOUR OWN STUPID.
1038
00:47:51,738 --> 00:47:53,522
YOU PLAY WORLD OF WARCRAFT
1039
00:47:53,566 --> 00:47:55,742
OR YOU DO
RENAISSANCE FESTIVALS
1040
00:47:55,785 --> 00:47:57,178
OR YOU FUCKING WIN
1041
00:47:57,222 --> 00:47:59,920
BRIAN DOYLE MURRAY
LOOK-ALIKE COMPETITIONS
1042
00:47:59,964 --> 00:48:03,402
OR FUCKING DO...
1043
00:48:03,445 --> 00:48:05,883
YOU GROW ORGANIC APPLES
1044
00:48:05,926 --> 00:48:08,711
AND SELL THEM
AT THE FARMER'S MARKET.
1045
00:48:08,755 --> 00:48:13,194
YOU LEARN HOW TO SPEAK ITALIAN
ON THE ROSETTA STONE
1046
00:48:13,238 --> 00:48:15,283
SO ONE DAY YOU CAN
IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS
1047
00:48:15,327 --> 00:48:17,546
BY ORDERING IN ITALIAN
AT A RESTAURANT
1048
00:48:17,590 --> 00:48:19,984
AND THE FUCKING WAITER AT
OLIVE GARDEN LOOKS AT YOU GOING,
1049
00:48:20,027 --> 00:48:22,987
'I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, DUDE."
1050
00:48:23,030 --> 00:48:25,772
WHATEVER YOU DO,
FOOTBALL IS MY STUPID.
1051
00:48:25,815 --> 00:48:29,732
THAT'S WHAT I DO FOR
A FEW HOURS ON A WEEKEND
1052
00:48:29,776 --> 00:48:33,562
IN THE FALL TO FORGET
HOW MUCH I HATE MYSELF.
1053
00:48:33,606 --> 00:48:36,739
I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT
BREAST CANCER
1054
00:48:36,783 --> 00:48:41,135
WHILE I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL
TO GET AWAY FROM THIS.
1055
00:48:41,179 --> 00:48:43,616
IT'S HARD ENOUGH TO WATCH
FOOTBALL AS IT IS,
1056
00:48:43,659 --> 00:48:44,965
IF YOU'RE A FAN,
1057
00:48:45,009 --> 00:48:47,968
WITHOUT CONSTANTLY
THINKING ABOUT AIDS.
1058
00:48:48,012 --> 00:48:50,753
YOU HAVE TO PUSH THAT
OUT OF YOUR HEAD.
1059
00:48:50,797 --> 00:48:53,756
INHERENTLY, IF YOU'RE
A FAN OF THE GAME,
1060
00:48:53,800 --> 00:48:57,282
WITH THE TECHNOLOGY
THAT THEY HAVE NOW,
1061
00:48:57,325 --> 00:49:00,198
YOU WATCH MONDAY NIGHT
FOOTBALL OR SUPER BOWL,
1062
00:49:00,241 --> 00:49:03,462
THEY HAVE CAMERAS NOW
THAT COME DOWN ON CABLES
1063
00:49:03,505 --> 00:49:06,334
RIGHT OVER THE FIELD, LIKE
RIGHT OVER THE PLAYERS' HEADS,
1064
00:49:06,378 --> 00:49:08,467
ALMOST TOUCHING THEM.
1065
00:49:08,510 --> 00:49:12,297
YOU HAVE 60 INCHES
OF HIGH DEFINITION.
1066
00:49:12,340 --> 00:49:18,607
YOU HAVE A CAMERA PANNING AROUND
11 MEN BENT UP IN A HUDDLE,
1067
00:49:18,651 --> 00:49:23,786
PRESENTING THESE BEAUTIFUL,
THICK MAN-ASSES.
1068
00:49:23,830 --> 00:49:26,746
AND IT'S ZOOMING IN
ON EACH ONE.
1069
00:49:26,789 --> 00:49:31,055
AND IT CREATES THIS BANGKOK
WHOREHOUSE SCENARIO
1070
00:49:31,098 --> 00:49:32,491
IN YOUR BRAIN.
1071
00:49:32,534 --> 00:49:34,623
YOU FEEL A LITTLE TUGGLE
IN YOUR SWEATPANTS.
1072
00:49:34,667 --> 00:49:36,190
AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OH.
1073
00:49:36,234 --> 00:49:39,193
WHAT IF THEY WERE
BEHIND GLASS IN PHUKET?"
1074
00:49:39,237 --> 00:49:43,502
WHICH ONE WOULD I SELECT FOR
MY EVENING'S ENTERTAINMENT
1075
00:49:43,545 --> 00:49:45,547
FROM THE CAMBODIAN GUY
THAT RUNS THE PLACE,
1076
00:49:45,591 --> 00:49:46,940
AND HE'S GOT AN EYE PATCH.
1077
00:49:46,984 --> 00:49:48,811
AND I GO,
"CHING DAI BO DAH!"
1078
00:49:48,855 --> 00:49:51,205
AND HE PULLS THE GUY OUT.
NUMBER 28.
1079
00:49:51,249 --> 00:49:52,859
I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN
ALL THE GUYS,
1080
00:49:52,902 --> 00:49:54,948
AND I IMPULSE-BUY ON 28.
1081
00:49:54,992 --> 00:50:00,475
HE'S A HALFBACK WITH THESE
SINEWY HORSE HAUNCHES,
1082
00:50:00,519 --> 00:50:02,695
LEANING INTO ME,
AND IN MY MIND,
1083
00:50:02,738 --> 00:50:05,306
BEFORE I CAN MAKE
A RATIONAL DECISION,
1084
00:50:05,350 --> 00:50:08,092
I'VE ALREADY LEAPED OVER
THE RAILING AT THE FIELD.
1085
00:50:08,135 --> 00:50:11,138
I'M STREAKING BUTT-NAKED
ACROSS THE FIELD,
1086
00:50:11,182 --> 00:50:14,837
WEARING NOTHING BUT A--
WEARING AN 1800S NIGHTCAP
1087
00:50:14,881 --> 00:50:17,405
THAT'S STRIPED
WITH A POM-POM.
1088
00:50:17,449 --> 00:50:18,841
I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT.
1089
00:50:18,885 --> 00:50:20,234
BUT I'M WEARING FLIP-FLOPS
1090
00:50:20,278 --> 00:50:21,844
'CAUSE THEY MAKE YOU
RUN FUNNIER.
1091
00:50:21,888 --> 00:50:24,282
BUT MY DICK IS SLAPPING
UP AND DOWN
1092
00:50:24,325 --> 00:50:25,892
AGAINST MY BELLY.
1093
00:50:25,935 --> 00:50:27,459
YOU MAKE YOU DICK HOWEVER BIG
YOU WANT IT TO BE.
1094
00:50:27,502 --> 00:50:28,808
IT'S YOUR FANTASY.
1095
00:50:28,851 --> 00:50:31,419
HAVE YOUR DICK SLAPPING
YOUR CHEST.
1096
00:50:31,463 --> 00:50:33,856
HAVE YOUR DICK TAKE A TOOTH OUT
ON THE WAY TO THE HUDDLE.
1097
00:50:33,900 --> 00:50:35,336
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
1098
00:50:35,380 --> 00:50:39,036
JUST GET TO 28
AND YANK HIM OUT OF THE HUDDLE
1099
00:50:39,079 --> 00:50:41,429
AND PIN HIM TO THE GROUND.
1100
00:50:41,473 --> 00:50:43,170
HOLD HIM DOWN
WITH ONE ELBOW.
1101
00:50:43,214 --> 00:50:44,519
PEEL THOSE...
1102
00:50:44,563 --> 00:50:45,868
THEY WEAR
THESE LITTLE LYCRA PANTS.
1103
00:50:45,912 --> 00:50:48,349
THEY'RE SO
FUCKING GORGEOUS.
1104
00:50:48,393 --> 00:50:51,439
AND YOU JUST PEEL THEM
OFF HIM. AND HE'S SWEATY.
1105
00:50:51,483 --> 00:50:55,269
THEY'RE JUST GOING TO SLIDE OFF
LIKE A WET BAND-AID.
1106
00:50:55,313 --> 00:50:57,141
DON'T FUCK
WITH THE JOCKSTRAP.
1107
00:50:57,184 --> 00:50:59,143
IT'S NO OBSTACLE
TO THE ASSHOLE.
1108
00:50:59,186 --> 00:51:00,883
YOU'LL WASTE YOUR TIME.
1109
00:51:00,927 --> 00:51:02,276
PLUS, THE LITTLE STRAPS
1110
00:51:02,320 --> 00:51:05,540
KEEP THE ASS CHEEK UP
AND FOCUSED.
1111
00:51:05,584 --> 00:51:08,891
STEAM COMES OFF HIS ASS.
1112
00:51:08,935 --> 00:51:10,154
GET YOUR FACE IN THERE.
1113
00:51:10,197 --> 00:51:11,807
YOU HUFF THAT STEAM.
1114
00:51:11,851 --> 00:51:14,593
YOU HUFF IT LIKE A GASSY RAG.
1115
00:51:14,636 --> 00:51:16,377
INHALE HIS ESSENCE.
1116
00:51:16,421 --> 00:51:18,988
AND YOU PEEL
THOSE ASS CHEEKS APART
1117
00:51:19,032 --> 00:51:20,468
WITH YOUR THUMBNAILS
1118
00:51:20,512 --> 00:51:25,299
LIKE YOUR CRACKING A CAGE-FREE,
FARM-FRESH EGG.
1119
00:51:25,343 --> 00:51:27,997
AND YOU TAKE YOUR DICK.
1120
00:51:28,041 --> 00:51:30,261
DON'T STAB HIM
WITH IT RIGHT AWAY.
1121
00:51:30,304 --> 00:51:33,133
TEASE HIM WITH IT.
HERE WE GO.
1122
00:51:33,177 --> 00:51:38,182
IN AND UP,
ASSHOLE TO TAILBONE, PEOPLE.
1123
00:51:38,225 --> 00:51:41,185
ASSHOLE TO TAILBONE.
1124
00:51:41,228 --> 00:51:42,534
WATCH HIM STRUGGLE.
1125
00:51:42,577 --> 00:51:44,144
HE KNOWS IT'S GONNA HAPPEN.
1126
00:51:44,188 --> 00:51:45,624
HE DOESN'T KNOW WHEN.
1127
00:51:45,667 --> 00:51:47,104
AH, AH, AH, OH.
1128
00:51:47,147 --> 00:51:49,410
ASSHOLE TO TAILBONE.
1129
00:51:49,454 --> 00:51:51,586
PULL ON HIS FACE MASK
A BIT.
1130
00:51:51,630 --> 00:51:53,066
TWIST HIS NECK.
1131
00:51:53,110 --> 00:51:56,504
PULL ON HIS DREADLOCKS.
1132
00:51:56,548 --> 00:51:57,984
AND THESE ARE NOT
1133
00:51:58,027 --> 00:52:00,769
OCCUPY WALL STREET DREADLOCKS,
BY THE WAY.
1134
00:52:00,813 --> 00:52:02,423
THIS IS A BLACK DUDE.
1135
00:52:02,467 --> 00:52:04,338
THIS IS STRAIGHT UP RACISM.
1136
00:52:04,382 --> 00:52:06,035
THIS IS A HATE CRIME.
1137
00:52:06,079 --> 00:52:12,346
BECAUSE YOU ARE PRETTY SURE
THAT YOUR EX-WIFE
1138
00:52:12,390 --> 00:52:14,522
USED TO FANTASIZE
ABOUT THIS GUY
1139
00:52:14,566 --> 00:52:16,220
DOING SIMILAR SHIT TO HER.
1140
00:52:16,263 --> 00:52:18,352
YOU KNEW IT.
OH, YEAH.
1141
00:52:18,396 --> 00:52:19,658
YOU WANT TO DO THAT
TO MY WIFE?
1142
00:52:19,701 --> 00:52:21,355
YOU'LL NEVER GET
A THICKER BONER
1143
00:52:21,399 --> 00:52:24,880
THAN THAT ANGRY,
RACIST, JEALOUSY BONER.
1144
00:52:24,924 --> 00:52:26,578
VEINS ARE COMING
OUT OF THE HEAD,
1145
00:52:26,621 --> 00:52:28,014
AND NOTHING
MAKES YOU CRAZIER
1146
00:52:28,057 --> 00:52:29,755
THAN WHEN YOU
GET THAT BONER
1147
00:52:29,798 --> 00:52:33,672
AND YOU JUST JAM IT IN HIM
LIKE A FAT SALAMANDER
1148
00:52:33,715 --> 00:52:34,803
AND YOU RIDE.
1149
00:52:34,847 --> 00:52:36,022
YOU DO THAT PORN ANGLE,
1150
00:52:36,065 --> 00:52:37,806
WHERE YOU
BEND YOUR DICK DOWN
1151
00:52:37,850 --> 00:52:40,548
AND DO DEEP KNEE BENDS SO YOU
CAN LOOK AT THE PEOPLE.
1152
00:52:40,592 --> 00:52:45,205
YOU HAVE--55,000 PEOPLE
ARE NOW OUT OF THEIR CHAIRS,
1153
00:52:45,249 --> 00:52:47,860
ON THEIR FEET,
CHANTING FOR YOU.
1154
00:52:47,903 --> 00:52:49,383
THEY LOVE YOU.
1155
00:52:49,427 --> 00:52:53,257
THEY'RE LIKE, "FUCK THAT GUY!
FUCK THAT GUY!"
1156
00:52:53,300 --> 00:52:55,084
THIS IS HIS HOME FIELD,
1157
00:52:55,128 --> 00:52:57,174
AND THEY'RE ON YOUR SIDE,
ALL OF A SUDDEN.
1158
00:52:57,217 --> 00:52:59,872
"FUCK THAT DUDE, YEAH!"
THEY'RE SPILLING BEER.
1159
00:52:59,915 --> 00:53:02,831
YOU FEEL THE RUBBER
START TO SLIDE OFF OF YOU,
1160
00:53:02,875 --> 00:53:04,224
BUT YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT.
1161
00:53:04,268 --> 00:53:05,747
THIS IS MY DAY.
1162
00:53:05,791 --> 00:53:07,749
THEY LOVE ME.
1163
00:53:07,793 --> 00:53:10,404
I'M GOING TO LAUNCH
RAINBOWS OF CUM
1164
00:53:10,448 --> 00:53:12,406
INTO THIS BROKEN
MOTHERFUCKER.
1165
00:53:12,450 --> 00:53:14,060
AND YOU DO.
1166
00:53:14,103 --> 00:53:16,193
YOU'RE NOT EVEN DONE COMING
WHEN YOU PULL OUT.
1167
00:53:16,236 --> 00:53:18,499
YOUR DICK'S JUST
STILL FIRE-HOSING,
1168
00:53:18,543 --> 00:53:20,414
SWAYING BACK AND FORTH,
1169
00:53:20,458 --> 00:53:23,548
GETTING RID OF THE LAST
OF THE SPURTS.
1170
00:53:23,591 --> 00:53:26,942
AND YOU HAVE AN END ZONE
CELEBRATION DANCE
1171
00:53:26,986 --> 00:53:29,293
THAT YOU'VE WORKED OUT IN
THE HALLWAY MIRROR ALL SEASON.
1172
00:53:29,336 --> 00:53:32,905
LITTLE OLD-SCHOOL
ICKEY SHUFFLE THING.
1173
00:53:32,948 --> 00:53:36,082
AND YOU SPIKE THE BALL
RIGHT NEXT TO HIS HEAD.
1174
00:53:36,125 --> 00:53:39,520
HE'S BLUBBERING, LIKE,
SNOT BUBBLES, AND CRYING.
1175
00:53:39,564 --> 00:53:41,914
HE'S NOT EVEN MAKING
AN ATTEMPT TO GET UP.
1176
00:53:41,957 --> 00:53:47,049
HIS ASSHOLE IS STILL DILATED
AND SPASMING.
1177
00:53:47,093 --> 00:53:53,317
HIS ASSHOLE IS WINKING
LIKE A CYCLOPS IN A RAINSTORM,
1178
00:53:53,360 --> 00:54:00,759
JUST TRYING TO REGAIN
ITS ORIGINAL SHAPE.
1179
00:54:00,802 --> 00:54:05,242
ONE MILKY TEAR
IS DRIPPING DOWN THE TAINT.
1180
00:54:05,285 --> 00:54:08,027
IT'S CRYING FOR YOU.
1181
00:54:11,378 --> 00:54:16,078
AND YOU FLOAT OUT OF THIS
PERFECT SUNDAY AFTERNOON
1182
00:54:16,122 --> 00:54:21,345
AND THIS PERFECT DAYDREAM,
BACK INTO THE STARK REALITY OF,
1183
00:54:21,388 --> 00:54:25,479
IT'S JUST YOU WITH SOME BLOATED,
POST MIDDLE-AGE DUDE WITH--
1184
00:54:25,523 --> 00:54:29,788
YOU'VE GOT LUMPS OF YELLOWED
GUMMY CUM IN YOUR GUT HAIR.
1185
00:54:29,831 --> 00:54:31,137
AND YOU LOOK AROUND.
1186
00:54:31,180 --> 00:54:37,230
YOU FEEL IMMEDIATE REMORSE
AND SHAME.
1187
00:54:37,274 --> 00:54:44,106
I LET THE RUBBER COME OFF
INSIDE OF THAT GUY.
1188
00:54:44,150 --> 00:54:50,243
HOW IRRESPONSIBLE IS THAT,
KNOWING WHAT WE KNOW TODAY,
1189
00:54:50,287 --> 00:54:53,028
TO JUST BAREBACK FUCK
A GUY.
1190
00:54:53,072 --> 00:54:55,335
I DON'T KNOW
WHERE THAT GUY'S BEEN.
1191
00:54:55,379 --> 00:54:58,295
I KNOW WHERE HE'S GOING.
HE'S GOING INTO FREE AGENCY.
1192
00:54:58,338 --> 00:55:00,949
HE'S FUCKING 32 NOW.
HE'S GOT SHIT KNEES.
1193
00:55:00,993 --> 00:55:04,126
HE'S LUCKY IF HE'S WARMING
A BENCH IN JACKSONVILLE.
1194
00:55:04,170 --> 00:55:05,911
BUT I DON'T KNOW
WHERE HE'S BEEN.
1195
00:55:05,954 --> 00:55:07,782
TO JUST BAREBACK FUCK
THE GUY.
1196
00:55:07,826 --> 00:55:13,222
I COULD HAVE FANTASY AIDS
AS WE SPEAK,
1197
00:55:13,266 --> 00:55:17,226
AND I'M GONNA DO IT AGAIN.
1198
00:55:17,270 --> 00:55:20,142
AND AS YOU'RE DEALING WITH THIS,
YOU WANT TO ESCAPE.
1199
00:55:20,186 --> 00:55:22,014
YOU LOOK AT THE TV.
PINK SHOES.
1200
00:55:22,057 --> 00:55:26,192
I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT BREAST
CANCER ON TOP OF THIS PROBLEM?
1201
00:55:26,235 --> 00:55:32,546
YOU'RE RUINING THE INTEGRITY
OF THE GAME, BREAST CANCER.
1202
00:55:32,590 --> 00:55:38,552
THIS IS WHAT WE DO
ON SUNDAYS TO FORGET
1203
00:55:38,596 --> 00:55:41,512
HOW MUCH
WE HATE OURSELVES.
1204
00:55:46,212 --> 00:55:49,607
AND I DON'T--
1205
00:55:49,650 --> 00:55:54,873
I HOPE I DIDN'T RUFFLE
ANY FEATHERS.
1206
00:55:54,916 --> 00:56:00,444
BUT AS AN OPENLY GAY COMEDIAN,
I FEEL A RESPONSIBILITY
1207
00:56:00,487 --> 00:56:04,012
TO TALK ABOUT A LOT
OF ISSUES THAT--
1208
00:56:04,056 --> 00:56:08,016
WHAT,
ARE YOU GONNA TEST ME?
1209
00:56:08,060 --> 00:56:09,278
YOU DON'T KNOW
IF I'M LYING.
1210
00:56:09,322 --> 00:56:10,758
I CAN BE AS GAY
AS I WANT TO BE UP HERE.
1211
00:56:10,802 --> 00:56:12,194
FUCK YOU.
1212
00:56:12,238 --> 00:56:13,892
WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA
STRAP ME TO A CHAIR
1213
00:56:13,935 --> 00:56:17,199
AND BLOW LOADS IN MY FACE
TO SEE IF I'M FIBBING
1214
00:56:17,243 --> 00:56:19,767
WHEN I SAY I LOVE IT?
1215
00:56:19,811 --> 00:56:21,769
I'M GAY IF IT FUCKING--
1216
00:56:21,813 --> 00:56:24,772
IF IT NEEDS TO BE, I'M GAY,
I'M FUCKING GAY.
1217
00:56:24,816 --> 00:56:26,208
AND YOU SHOULD BE GAY AS--
1218
00:56:26,252 --> 00:56:28,602
I COME OUT OF THE CLOSET
ALL THE TIME.
1219
00:56:28,646 --> 00:56:30,299
IT'S SOMETHING FUN FOR ME.
1220
00:56:30,343 --> 00:56:31,953
DO IT ALL THE TIME.
1221
00:56:31,997 --> 00:56:33,564
I'M NOT SAYING LIE
TO YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY
1222
00:56:33,607 --> 00:56:35,479
OR LEAD A FAKE LIFE.
1223
00:56:35,522 --> 00:56:37,655
BUT IF YOU'RE JUST IN SOME
BULLSHIT SOCIAL SITUATION
1224
00:56:37,698 --> 00:56:40,919
AROUND PEOPLE YOU DON'T KNOW,
IF YOU CAN DROP THE ERRANT,
1225
00:56:40,962 --> 00:56:43,182
"I'M GAY"
IN A CONVERSATION,
1226
00:56:43,225 --> 00:56:46,577
NOT REVELATORY, LIKE,
"I HAVE TO TELL YOU."
1227
00:56:46,620 --> 00:56:48,492
JUST DROP IT AS AN ASIDE.
1228
00:56:48,535 --> 00:56:50,755
"IS IT JUST YOU AND YOUR
GIRLFRIEND FOR BREAKFAST?"
1229
00:56:50,798 --> 00:56:52,191
"OH, THAT'S NOT
MY GIRLFRIEND.
1230
00:56:52,234 --> 00:56:53,584
"I'M GAY,
BUT IT'S JUST TWO OF US.
1231
00:56:53,627 --> 00:56:56,325
IS IT A BUFFET OR CAN I
ORDER OFF THE MENU?"
1232
00:56:56,369 --> 00:56:59,241
JUST DROP IN, JUST,
IF EVERYONE WAS JUST SOMEONE--
1233
00:56:59,285 --> 00:57:00,939
OH, I GUESS
THEY'RE JUST GAY.
1234
00:57:00,982 --> 00:57:02,462
'CAUSE HERE'S THE THING.
1235
00:57:02,506 --> 00:57:04,812
I LOVE HOMOSEXUALITY.
1236
00:57:04,856 --> 00:57:06,640
I DEFEND IT.
1237
00:57:06,684 --> 00:57:08,642
BUT I HATE FAGGINESS
1238
00:57:08,686 --> 00:57:11,253
BECAUSE IT'S AESTHETICALLY
UNPLEASING.
1239
00:57:11,297 --> 00:57:13,430
THE WHOLE
"LA LA LA LA LA" SHINY.
1240
00:57:13,473 --> 00:57:15,475
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
1241
00:57:15,519 --> 00:57:16,781
IT'S THE SAME--
1242
00:57:16,824 --> 00:57:18,957
I HAVE NOTHING
AGAINST JEWISH PEOPLE.
1243
00:57:19,000 --> 00:57:20,785
I HATE JEWINESS.
1244
00:57:20,828 --> 00:57:24,658
THE CLAMMY, "NYAH, NYAH, NYAH.
I GET ALL...I'M ALLERGIC."
1245
00:57:24,702 --> 00:57:27,879
PERSONALLY,
THAT'S UNPLEASING.
1246
00:57:27,922 --> 00:57:30,272
I HATE ANYONE WHO LEADS
WITH THEIR SEXUALITY,
1247
00:57:30,316 --> 00:57:31,970
HOMO OR HETERO.
1248
00:57:32,013 --> 00:57:33,624
IF I KNOW YOUR SEXUALITY
1249
00:57:33,667 --> 00:57:35,364
IN THE FIRST 30 SECONDS
OF MEETING YOU,
1250
00:57:35,408 --> 00:57:37,236
YOU'RE FUCKING ANNOYING.
1251
00:57:37,279 --> 00:57:39,281
HETEROS ARE THE SAME WAY.
1252
00:57:39,325 --> 00:57:42,241
IF YOU HAVE NAKED LADY
MUD FLAPS OR YOU GO,
1253
00:57:42,284 --> 00:57:44,678
"OH, AFTER YOUR SHOW,
YOU WANT TO GO TO HOOTERS?"
1254
00:57:44,722 --> 00:57:47,115
OR YOU JUST WATCH THE GAME
FOR THE CHEERLEADERS.
1255
00:57:47,159 --> 00:57:49,117
JUST GO INTO A BASEMENT
AND JERK OFF,
1256
00:57:49,161 --> 00:57:51,206
YOU FUCKING TEENAGER,
13-YEAR-OLD,
1257
00:57:51,250 --> 00:57:54,122
AND THEN COME BACK WHEN WE CAN
HAVE A REGULAR CONVERSATION.
1258
00:57:54,166 --> 00:57:55,689
SO, IT'S NOT--
1259
00:57:55,733 --> 00:57:57,865
THAT'S WHY I LIKE TO COME
OUT OF THE CLOSET
1260
00:57:57,909 --> 00:57:59,911
AS JUST A NORMAL DUDE.
1261
00:57:59,954 --> 00:58:02,435
A GUY ON THE PLANE GOING,
"YEAH, I REMEMBER
1262
00:58:02,479 --> 00:58:04,263
"WHEN STEWARDESSES
USED TO BE HOT.
1263
00:58:04,306 --> 00:58:05,873
NOW THEY'RE ALL FAT."
1264
00:58:05,917 --> 00:58:08,006
AND YOU GO, "YEAH.
I'M RIGHT WITH YOU, BUDDY.
1265
00:58:08,049 --> 00:58:10,312
"I FUCKING--THANK CHRIST
I'M QUEER,
1266
00:58:10,356 --> 00:58:12,924
'CAUSE THEY ARE
FAT AS SHIT."
1267
00:58:12,967 --> 00:58:16,362
BUT JUST BECAUSE MAYBE
SOMEWHERE AROUND YOU,
1268
00:58:16,405 --> 00:58:19,365
WHEN YOU JUST DROP A NORMAL
"I'M GAY" IN A CONVERSATION,
1269
00:58:19,408 --> 00:58:23,151
THERE IS AN ADOLESCENT KID
WHO'S JUST COMING TO TERMS
1270
00:58:23,195 --> 00:58:26,415
WITH THE FACT THAT HE'S GAY,
AND HE'S FUCKING TERRIFIED,
1271
00:58:26,459 --> 00:58:28,026
NOT ONLY OF JUST BEING GAY.
1272
00:58:28,069 --> 00:58:29,854
MAYBE HE THINKS
HE HAS TO BE
1273
00:58:29,897 --> 00:58:32,334
"JUMP OUT OF THE CAKE
AND RIDE A FUCKING FLOAT,
1274
00:58:32,378 --> 00:58:35,163
ASSLESS CHAPS,
ICE CAPADES" GAY.
1275
00:58:35,207 --> 00:58:38,166
AND HE HEARS YOU SAY IT JUST
LIKE A NORMAL DUDE, "I'M GAY."
1276
00:58:38,210 --> 00:58:39,559
AND HE GOES,
"OH, I CAN DO THAT.
1277
00:58:39,603 --> 00:58:42,562
"I CAN BE JUST REGULAR
ANDERSON COOPER,
1278
00:58:42,606 --> 00:58:46,348
TODD GLASS,
JOEL OSTEEN FAGGOT."
1279
00:58:46,392 --> 00:58:50,396
AND YOU GIVE THEM COURAGE.
1280
00:58:50,439 --> 00:58:55,444
AND IT'S IN THE SUPREME COURT
NOW FOR GAY MARRIAGE.
1281
00:58:55,488 --> 00:58:57,751
AND I HOPE YOU GET IT.
1282
00:58:57,795 --> 00:59:03,931
GET THE RIGHT TO MARRY,
AND THEN DON'T.
1283
00:59:03,975 --> 00:59:08,066
IT'S IMPORTANT
TO GET THE RIGHT,
1284
00:59:08,109 --> 00:59:09,937
NOT JUST SYMBOLICALLY,
1285
00:59:09,981 --> 00:59:13,288
BUT SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BE
MARRIED TO GAME THE SYSTEM.
1286
00:59:13,332 --> 00:59:15,247
YOU NEED THE INSURANCE.
YOU NEED THE INHERITANCE.
1287
00:59:15,290 --> 00:59:16,988
YOU NEED TO PULL THE PLUG.
1288
00:59:17,031 --> 00:59:20,861
MAYBE YOU JUST NEED TO GET
SOMEONE COOL INTO THE COUNTRY.
1289
00:59:20,905 --> 00:59:22,776
SO YOU NEED IT FOR THAT.
1290
00:59:22,820 --> 00:59:24,561
BUT DON'T
IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
1291
00:59:24,604 --> 00:59:26,780
IT'S KIND OF LIKE
THE CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT,
1292
00:59:26,824 --> 00:59:29,478
WHERE BLACK PEOPLE
HAD TO FIGHT FOR THE RIGHT
1293
00:59:29,522 --> 00:59:31,568
TO EAT
AT THE SAME LUNCH COUNTER.
1294
00:59:31,611 --> 00:59:34,875
ONCE YOU WON THAT RIGHT,
I HOPE YOU DIDN'T.
1295
00:59:34,919 --> 00:59:37,182
GUY'S A FUCKING RACIST.
1296
00:59:37,225 --> 00:59:39,488
WHY WOULD YOU SUPPORT
HIS BUSINESS
1297
00:59:39,532 --> 00:59:41,926
UNLESS YOU'RE JUST TRYING
TO FUCK WITH HIM
1298
00:59:41,969 --> 00:59:43,710
AND SHOW UP JUST 'CAUSE
HE DOESN'T WANT YOU?
1299
00:59:43,754 --> 00:59:45,320
WHICH I UNDERSTAND,
1300
00:59:45,364 --> 00:59:47,975
AND MAYBE THAT'S WHERE
YOU STARTED NOT TIPPING.
1301
00:59:48,019 --> 00:59:51,936
IF SO, EVERY TRADITION
HAS TO START SOMEWHERE.
1302
00:59:51,979 --> 00:59:55,374
LET'S JUST HOPE IT WAS
FOR A GOOD CAUSE.
1303
00:59:55,417 --> 00:59:56,810
HAVE A GREAT NIGHT,
DANTE'S, PORTLAND.
1304
00:59:56,854 --> 00:59:59,160
IT WAS NICE TO BE BACK.
1305
00:59:59,204 --> 01:00:02,381
I'LL SEE YOU SOON.
HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.
1306
01:00:08,866 --> 01:00:12,304
- SO DO YOU MIND JUST COMING
BACK DOWNSTAIRS? YEAH.
1307
01:00:12,347 --> 01:00:13,697
- I JUST TOLD THEM I WOULD.
1308
01:00:13,740 --> 01:00:14,915
- OH, GREAT. SORRY.
1309
01:00:14,959 --> 01:00:16,874
- OH! OH,
WE HAVE ANOTHER CAMERA.
1310
01:00:16,917 --> 01:00:18,919
- NO, THAT'S IT.
WE SAID ONE CAMERA.
1311
01:00:18,963 --> 01:00:20,791
- YOU WANT THEM
TO COME BACK UP TOO?
1312
01:00:20,834 --> 01:00:21,792
- DO YOU WANT THEM
TO FOLLOW YOU?
1313
01:00:21,835 --> 01:00:23,489
- WHAT?
- DO YOU WANT...
1314
01:00:23,532 --> 01:00:24,838
- YOU JUST ASKED ME TO COME BACK
DOWN THE STAIRS.
1315
01:00:24,882 --> 01:00:26,492
- YEAH, DO YOU WANT THEM
TO FOLLOW YOU
1316
01:00:26,535 --> 01:00:28,146
OR DO YOU WANT TO JUST...
THEY'LL JUST CATCH YOU.
1317
01:00:28,189 --> 01:00:29,147
- NO, NO. THAT'S FINE.
I WAS JUST CONFUSED.
1318
01:00:29,190 --> 01:00:31,105
- YEAH.
1319
01:00:33,194 --> 01:00:38,852
- TAKE TWO,
I'M COMING DOWN THE STAIRS.
1320
01:00:38,896 --> 01:00:40,680
ALL RIGHT.
1321
01:00:40,724 --> 01:00:44,989
HI. THAT WAS A SHOW
BROUGHT TO YOU BY ME.
95262
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.