All language subtitles for 2.Broke.Girls.S05E17.And.the.Show.and.Dont.Tell.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DD5.1.x264-CasStudio_track3_[eng]

Okay, Rock Paper Scissors.

Loser has to ask the guy
in gym shorts at table 12

to stop Sharon Stoneing us
his balls.

By virtue of having
this conversation,

aren't we both losers?

Look who's back from Hollywood.

If it isn't ScarJo and J-Lo.

Said the guy from down low.

Can I get an autograph?

Oops, my bad--
still just waitresses.

Han, don't be upset just because
I'm about to make $250,000

and have a movie made
about me.

Han already had
a movie made about him--

"Paul Blart: Small Cop."

What's your movie called?
"Straight Outta A Job"?

(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Yeah, about that?
You can't fire us now.

The money hasn't come in
just yet.

After that, by all means,
please fire us

and fire us hard.

Yeah, how does firing us
on the 27th work for you?

Don't think I won't do it.

I've been wanting another Asian
in the mix for some time.

Oh, and, Han, we're gonna need
the day off tomorrow.

You just took ten days off!

No more vacation days.

Freddie Prinze Jr. works
more than you two.

Max and I are going to prison
to visit my dad.

As part of his therapy,
he's written a musical,

and he's performing it
with the other inmates.

A musical in prison?

I'd be shaking my damn head
right now

if my neck still worked.

And, again, you can fire us
on the 27th.

We're in flux now.

And as always, I'm the one
who gets fluxed.

Aw, I missed Han.

I've never heard you say that
without a crossbow in your hand.

I can't wait
till we get that money.

Think of all the stuff
we could buy.

[gasps]
American toothpaste.

Some toilet paper so we can
stop using our bath mat.

And since we're unfreezing
our credit card,

maybe I'll get
a new dress too.

The invite to this musical
said "cocktail attire."

A prison musical
with cocktail attire?

Ah, screw it.

I'm gonna feel this tomorrow,
but mm, mm!

Mm!

Hey, everybody!

Today's the day
Oleg and me find out

what kind of sex
our baby's gonna have.

I beg you to rephrase that.

(Oleg)
Baby, I don't want to know

if it's gonna be a boy
or a girl.

I'd rather be surprised.

You know, like when you get
a hooker in Tijuana.

Boy, do I.

Or girl, do I.

Oh! We don't know,
and that's the fun.

(Oleg)
We're gonna have a baker

do one of those gender reveal
cakes for us.

Can you guys recommend
a baker?

Uh, excuse me?

Yeah, excuse me?

What the hell
is a gender reveal cake?

Like, you bake it and then
you pull its pants down?

Jeez, would it kill you

to pick up a "Rachael Ray
Every Day" once in a while?

We give the bakers a sealed
envelope with the sex.

Yeah, and then the bakers--

you know, if we can find
good ones--

will make the icing
on the inside pink

if it's a Svetlana...

And blue if it's a Svetlenny.

Well, it beats the way
they did it

in my town in Poland.

You were either a boy

or you had to know how to climb
back up out of a well.

Yeah.

Um, you know
we're bakers, right?

Hell, yeah.

I'm baked right now.

Well, I'm dressed for
my father's prison musical.

[sighs]

Say that three times
without crying.

You look good.

If those inmates weren't
hardened criminals before,

they will be
once they see you in that.

What's with all
the miniature liquor bottles

you stole from the plane?

Do I have to host
a tiny intervention?

I did not steal these
from the plane.

I stole them
from our hotel room,

the maid cart, and a few
other people's hotel rooms

when I posed as a maid.

This is part
of my presentation

for my idea on how to spend
the $250,000.

Five years ago,
we were sitting on Chestnut

with our iced coffees.

I remember it
like it was five years ago.

And we said that $250,000

the exact amount
of money we're getting,

was what we needed to get
our cupcake business going.

Chestnut was so excited,
he made a little poo.

[Chestnut chuffs]

Not so little.

I remember it knocking
that cat unconscious.

Five years later,

cupcakes alone
aren't cutting it.

Ouch.
But true.

Sure, they're sweet,
delicious, and chic,

but what if we add...
alcohol?

Which is sweet, delicious,
and expensive?

We keep the cupcake window,

but we make it
into a bar too.

It's two great things
put together!

Like you and me?

I was gonna say
fat people and tripping,

but yes!

We keep the cupcake dream;

we just add
overpriced alcohol to it.

I love it!

We can call it
Cupcakes & Cocktails.

Or, if we want to be
less douchey,

we call it Dessert Bar.

That is a genius idea.

Usually when you're drunk,
your best idea is,

"Let's call Home Depot
and ask if they have caulk."

So we're doing it?

We're opening up
a dessert bar?

Oh, we're opening up
a dessert bar.

Celebratory dance?

Am I here yet?

[sniffing]

I know I'm either
at Max and Caroline's

or a petting zoo.

To be clear, that horse smell
is the couch.

Oh, I just came back
from the doctor,

and I have the sex of the baby,
but I don't want to see it.

So please take it from me quick
so I don't sneak a peek.

(Max)
Caroline,

you hold on to this

until it's time
to bake the cake.

(Sophie)
Why are you giving it
to her?

I mean, you really think
she can keep a secret

with that big Jim Carrey mouth
flapping all the time?

Well, you don't want me
to have it.

If I know, I'll spoil it.

I have no poker face.

Neither did my mom,
which is how I became

the legal property
of the Borgata Casino.

Caroline, I'm warning you.

Don't let it slip.

Even if I beg you,
don't tell me.

Okay.

Even if I come downstairs
in the middle of the night

and put a gun to your head,

don't tell me.

Okay, well,
if there's a gun involved,

I'm gonna tell you.

See, Max?

That's why I didn't want
to give it to her.

Your dad wrote and directed
this thing too?

Dang, he's like
the Ben Affleck of jail.

Yikes, it says here

that the guy who was playing
"sadistic guard"

is out
for tonight's performance

because someone took his eye out
with a plastic spork.

Oh, my God.
That's terrible.

We're seeing an understudy?

Oh, look!
My dad's opening the show.

[piano introduction plays]

* Steel bars

* Steel bars on my heart

* Steels bars on my soul

* And there's no parole

* And it tears me apart

all: * Steel bars

* Steel bars on our balls

* Steel bars on this jail

* And there ain't no bail

* And nobody calls

I call him twice a week.

all: * Steel bars
on our balls *

* Steel bars on our balls

* Steel bars
on our balls *

* Steel bars

* On our baaaaaalls

*

Oh, hell, yes!

all: * 25 to life

* Lots of pain
and plenty of strife *

* Loneliness,
it cuts like a knife *

* 25 to liiiiiife

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.
Thank you so much. Wow.

Well, we won't keep you prisoner
much longer.

[laughter]

So we're just gonna take
a brief intermission,

and we'll be back
with the second half.

Second half?
That was three hours!

That was incredible, Dad!

Especially
the escape attempt scene.

Some of that violence looked
incredibly realistic.

That was because it was real,
not part of the show.

They beat that guy severely.

* Steel bars

* Da-dum,
something, something *

Martin, I'm gonna add
two more crimes

to your prison sentence:

stealing my heart
and stealing the show.

Can you sign my playbill?

Caroline, get my playbill.

Oh, here. Hold Sophie's
gender reveal envelope.

Oh, and this envelope
I use as a wallet.

And this other envelope
I use as a makeup bag.

Oh, here it is.

Great.
I'm gonna use my crayon.

We can't have pens.

Oh, here.
Sign mine too.

I'll put it next
to that framed picture I have

of you and Donald Trump
when he was a liberal.

Well, enough about me.

Who's playing me
in your movie, hon?

Not Brad Pitt.
It's too on the nose.

Well, they haven't cast it yet,

but they are giving me
$250,000 for my story.

Honey,
this is your ticket.

Now you can start
your own business.

I have my own business
with Max.

The cupcakes?

I'll admit
business has been slow.

But we're gonna use the money

to take our business
to the next level.

Max had the genius idea
of making it a dessert bar.

We still sell our cupcakes,

but we also serve
high-end cocktails.

You can just say
the word "muddle"

and charge $20.

That is a fantastic idea,
ladies.

Wow, it's so great.

Honey, do me a favor.

Could you get me
some water?

I want to stay hydrated
for tomorrow's matinee.

There's talk of Robert Durst
transferring in just to see it,

and I don't want
to jinx it, you know.

Oh.
[chuckles]

Wanted to ditch the square, huh?

I get it.

Is this finally happening?

Celebration make-out sesh?

Uh, yeah, we got to keep
our hands in plain view.

This whole cupcake business
is not for Caroline.

Well, she's not the baker;
I am.

She's the idea person.

Yeah, but you had
the dessert bar idea, right?

And you just said
it was a terrific idea.

Well, as you saw...
[chuckles]

I'm a really good actor.

Can I itch my nose?

Look, my baby was brought up
around Wall Street.

She's Wharton bred.

She could never be happy doing
this whole baking business,

and this is her big chance
to get out.

But wouldn't she have
told me?

She tells me every single
feeling she's having.

And some of it,
I even listen to.

What if I just ask her?

She'll only deny it.

She doesn't want
to hurt your feelings.

That's why I'm doing it.

But she said she was happy
about the dessert bar.

We danced about it.

Max, listen to me.

I'm her father,
and I know her.

And this is her big chance.

You just got to let her go.

I do?

Yeah, and you got
to be firm about it,

or she's not going
to get the message.

Like in "Poltergeist,"

where they have to be
really stern with Carol Anne

or else she'll stay
with the ghosts?

And I'm the ghosts?

Ooch!

Max, what is going on with you?

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

I'm just making
Sophie's gender cake.

If you don't want to be here,
go back to Wall Street.

What?

What is going on with you?

You've been pouty ever since
we left the prison.

I'm not gonna
take you there anymore

if you're sad to leave.

You know what?

While I'm doing all the work,

why don't you go get me
the gender envelope?

Okay, Moody Giuliani.

Do not tell me
you lost the envelope

with the gender
of Sophie's baby in there.

I didn't lose it.

I just don't have it,

and I don't know
where it is.

Oh, we probably left it
at the prison

when you made me
get out the playbill.

Oh, so this is my fault.

The one thing you had to do,
you didn't do.

Like a waitress
at a vegan restaurant,

you're bringing
almost nothing to the table.

The $250,000
I'm bringing to the table,

that's nothing?

Oh, so that's your money.

There it is.

So why don't you take
your money

and go back to Wall Street?

I'll be fine.

Who came up with combining
desserts and alcohol?

I mean, obviously,
you've been holding me back.

I've been holding you back?

You forgot to wear pants
to a business meeting.

How dare you?

I did wear pants.

I just left them
in the bathroom.

[gasps]

Okay, well...

Well, this is
a historic event.

We've sold cupcakes
for five years,

and this is the first time
you've touched batter.

It's a historic event

because you finally had
a business idea

that didn't have
the word "fart" in it.

[gasps]

If my hair gets involved,
we are done.

- Good.
- [shrieks]

Girls, I'm going to--

What have you done?

I have an egg allergy!

* 25 to li--

Hey, what a nice surprise.

You know what else
is a surprise?

That the makeup lights
in a prison are so flattering.

I don't remember him
being in the show.

Yeah, he's not.

He's just a felon
who likes false eyelashes.

So what are you doing here?

I think I left
an important envelope here.

I tried calling, but they said

your phone privileges
were taken away.

Yeah, well, I had a fight

with the prison theater critic.

That's the headline
you go with, Eddie?

"Shanks for Nothing"?

He sure is a big man
on his blog,

but he can't look me
in the eye.

Well, I would have gone
with "It's A Prison Riot."

I think I left
an envelope here,

and I think it ruined
me and Max's friendship

and our partnership.

All right, well,
here you go.

Here's your envelope,

and here's your makeup bag.

Hey, um...

I'm real sorry to hear
about you and Max.

Yeah.

Unless maybe
it's a good thing

and it's happening
for the best

and you get to go back
to Wall Street

and reclaim your life.

Wall Street?

Why does every single person
keep telling me

to go back to Wall Street?

Max, you--

all right,
it's just Max and you.

Here. Let me do that.

Okay.

Listen, honey.

You only have to work
on Wall Street, okay?

You can live
on the Upper East Side

and eventually move
to Westchester

if you want a tennis court.

Daddy, did you and Max
talk about this?

Kitten, I know you
better than anybody,

and I know
that you do not belong

in a cupcake shop
in Brooklyn.

You could still be friends
with Max.

She like tennis?

How do you know
where I belong?

Go like this.

[chuckles]

I'm not the same spoiled
little rich girl that I was.

Well, now you can be.

These last five years

have made me
a different person.

For example, when I walk

into a combination
Taco Bell-Dunkin' Donuts,

you know what they say?

"Hi, Caroline."

Son of a bitch.

See, Daddy,
I'm Taco Bell,

and Max is Dunkin' Donuts.

On the surface, it seems like
we shouldn't be together,

but we make an amazing team.

And we have a dream together.

It's not just hers;
it's mine too.

Well, that's the hardest thing
I've had to take in all day.

And for lunch, they served us
something called "brown."

See, Daddy,
this is where I belong.

Well, not here, even though
I will miss the lighting,

but with Max.

Well...

I guess I can support that.

Look, I'm sorry.
Sorry.

You know, I worry, okay?

That's what parents do,

and there's lots of time
to worry

when you're in prison,

which is why I focused
all my energies

on creating groundbreaking
musical theater.

[upbeat music]

*

Are you sure
you didn't tell your dad

that I told you that he told me
to tell you that?

'Cause snitches get stitches.

My dad wouldn't hurt a fly.

He'd just steal $1 billion
from it.

Not bad for my first cake,
right?

Well, if you don't count
all the ones

I threw in the garbage.

I did count them.
There were seven.

Two of them were fizzing.

But thanks for trying.

Max, Caroline, come on!

How long
is this gonna take?

I didn't wait this long
for the polio vaccine.

There's a polio vaccine?

Well, you might have to wait
a little longer

to find out the sex
of the baby,

because Max and I have
a new business announcement too.

Is it about me firing you?

Because I already reserved
a karaoke machine

for your Good Riddance party.

I'm not saying cancel it,
but you can't fire us

till we have our new
business idea up and running.

And I'm talking dibs
on the "Thong Song."

All right,
so here's our big news.

We should have gone
to Rosebud's Bakery

for the cake.

You know, 'cause when
you order one there,

they don't say, "Hey,
guess what happened to me!"

Pretty tacky, Caroline.

Says the guy in a tank top

from the Steven Seagal
for Target collection.

Now the wind's
out of my sails.

No, it's not!
We're opening a dessert bar!

All right, give me the knife.

To cut the cake?

No.

Well, then I'm not gonna
give it to you.

Like I said at this diner
a million times,

give it to me, Caroline.

Okay, baby,
you do the honors.

Why do we need to know
the gender anyway?

They all switch 'em now.

All right, one, two, three.

Boy or girl?

It's white.
What does that mean?

Well, it means it has a chance

of getting nominated
for Academy Awards.

Oh, no!

I was so busy putting out
that oven mitt fire,

I forgot to put
the color in it.

But I could just tell
everybody.

No, 'cause if
I hear it from you,

I'll already be mad
at the baby.

You know what, Sophie?

Maybe it's a sign

that we shouldn't know
what the baby's gonna be.

You're right.

Keep the cake, girls.

We're not gonna pay.

Well, do you guys want
to try it?

No, thanks.

I've got a lady
coming over.

We're gonna try to figure out
how Netflix works

and chill.

I also have
a lady coming over.

Yes, it's a lesbian masseuse
for my ferret,

but it counts.

I guess you're the only one

who's gonna taste
my first cake.

I also have a lady coming over,
question mark.

Come on. One bite.

Wow.

Could you dial 911, please?