All language subtitles for 2.Broke.Girls.S05E16.And.the.Pity.Party.Bus.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DD5.1.x264-CasStudio_track3_[eng]

Earl, I told you to mop
the entrance.

That floor is dirtier
than Bob Saget

at a Comedy Central roast.

[bell dings]

You know what it sounds like
you need, cranky lady?

A Midol and a Dove bar.

You watch it, too, Oleg.

Like Earl's hip,
you can be replaced.

Have you noticed since Max
and Caroline have been away,

Han is getting a little big
for his bitches?

Did I say bitches?

'Cause I meant to.

I will not be bossed around
by someone

40 years younger than me.

He is not my second wife.

I am calling diner security.

[phone ringing]

What's up, Earl?

I mean,
besides your blood pressure.

When are you coming back?

We're coming back
tomorrow night.

Caroline's about to sign
the movie contract,

which means I don't have to
come home UPS Ground.

Are you on the phone
with the diner?

I feel like I can smell it.

(Earl)
I don't think any of us

are gonna make it
past tomorrow.

Han's been walking around
like he owns the place.

I do own the place!

(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Boy, Uber drivers do not
like to be tickled.

And speaking of things
no one would see coming,

I used the F-word
with Randy.

Who wouldn't see that coming?

You use the F-word
all the time...

usually around children
or clergy.

No, the F-word
as in "future."

Max, you made plans
for the future?

You won't even make
dinner plans with me.

You always say, "Who knows if
we'll still be friends by then?"

Well, you always ask me,
like, five hours ahead of time.

Max, I'm gonna go ahead
and use the C-word.

I'm calling you and Randy
a couple.

I'm gonna say something,

and I don't want it
to go to your head.

You're right, bitch.

See, Max, it all worked out,

right up until
what I'm about to say right now.

We have to take the shuttle
to the airport tomorrow,

'cause we're still poor
for another 27 business days.

Let's go out in style
and get a party bus.

After all these years,
we still have

such different
concepts of style.

Come on!

With a stripper pole

and a Crock-Pot
of cocktail weenies.

I danced on a party bus
for a year,

not for money.

We are not taking a party bus.

This isn't your super sweet 16.

I didn't have a sweet 16.

I was in plumbing school.

Hey, everybody.

I don't know what's going on,

but people on the elevator
were looking at me funny.

Sophie!

What?

Do I have spinach in my teeth?

Uh, no spinach, but about
25 needles stuck in your face.

Yeah, they're helping me
get pregnant.

My healer Audra
sent me to Mao,

the acupuncturist to the stars.

Yep, he's poked more famous
people than John Mayer.

Sophie, you're not supposed
to leave with those needles,

just like we're not supposed to
leave with these vases.

Tell you what, I'm gonna do
what I used to do

for my Aunt Becky
at the Elks Lodge.

I'm gonna get some pricks
out of your face.

Max, do you think Randy
invited me to dinner

to witness him asking you
to be bicoastal?

'Cause I don't think
this mascara's waterproof,

and I'm definitely gonna cry

happy and a few jealous tears.

I'm never been bicoastal.

I was bisexual for a week,

but that's mostly because
I was hitchhiking.

There they are.

Oh, this is the table
where we first met,

and you thought I was
a cheap hooker.

And you were only half right.

Here they come,
more jealous than I expected.

Let's celebrate.

It's a big night
for both of you.

Caroline,
your movie deal closed,

and Max, I found your sock.

It was under my refrigerator.

Oh, that makes sense.

I was trying to fish
an M&M out from under there

with a fishing hook I made
with a fork and my sock.

I was so excited about
getting the M&M

that I abandoned the sock.

Max, you know you don't
have to eat candy

that fell on the floor anymore.

I still will, but it's nice
to know I don't have to.

Oh, my God, your whole life
is changing.

We're just waiting
for someone else.

Oh, no, did you invite
a guy for me?

I wish I'd known,

'cause I only shaved
up to the bottom of my dress.

It's not a date for you.

It's someone here
for me and Max.

Wow, I don't usually
bring up threesomes

till the one-month mark
when things start to go stale.

Oh, definitely wasn't
picturing this guy.

Hello, I'm Elliot Charles.

Okay, two first names,
slightly more interesting.

So doing the orgy math here,
there's four of us,

and out of the four,
Max and I can't touch naked.

Her rule, not mine.

Oh, I'm not here
in a sexual capacity.

I'm Randy's therapist.

And I guess we should
get started.

I do have a 9:00
in the valley.

A 13-year-old girl is coming out
to her vegan parents

as meat-curious.

Um, what's happening?

Look, Max...
Elliot?

Look, Max,
my patient, Randy,

is breaking up with you.

(both)
What?

Max, I know this sounds abrupt.

Elliot?

Max, in my practice,
I developed

the ripping-the-Band-Aid-off
technique.

You'll read about it
in my book someday,

if I ever finish it,

but that's between
me and my therapist.

He's not speaking to me
right now

because of a couch spill.

And I'd be mad as hell about it

if I didn't completely
understand it!

And now, again,
what's happening?

Because it seems like
you're breaking up with me

using a therapist.

It does seem that way.

Elliot?

He is breaking up with you
using a therapist.

Look, Randy?

Caroline.

Look, Elliot, you tell Randy
to be a grown-up

and break up with her over text.

At least send her
a "Bye, Felicia" bitmoji.

- Let's go.
- Max, don't go like this.

Elliot, don't let Max
go like this.

Max, you're hurt.

You're feeling abandoned.

What would be really helpful
to you right now

is my book, if I can just
get one chapter on paper.

I think people would benefit
a lot from the book.

Well, we're leaving.

This is shocking,

and it's really hard
to shock me

since that time
I saw a mouse

dry-humping a potato
on my couch.

You know what?

You can keep my sock.

On second thought,
I need it.

Max, wait.

I am just gonna go,
because the last time

I was this mad,
someone lost an eyebrow.

And it took me a long time

to grow it back.

Thank you.

Max, hurry!

We have to leave now
to take Sophie to the healer

and still be
at the airport by noon.

I brushed your hair
when you were passed out.

I can't move any faster.

I think this escalator's broken.

I tried to stop you
from drinking bottle number 32,

which was sriracha.

But you tied me to that chair
so well.

Well, since drinking
that hot sauce,

I've been tied
to a different chair.

I have something
to make you feel better.

I doubt it.

Unless it's a diaper
full of ice.

It's not that.
I'll meet you outside.

Okay, okay, remember
that party bus

I never wanted and you probably
don't want now?

- Surprise!
- Good timing.

I'm feeling suicidal,
and I've always wanted

to be buried in something
like this.

Aw, come on, Max, cheer up.

You're getting two poles
for the price of one.

This is the first time
a party bus

hasn't fixed
every problem I have.

Well, you haven't seen

my "Stars and Stripes Forever"
routine.

[hums John Sousa's
"Stars and Stripes Forever"]

Um, Bert, is this rum

supposed to have
a cigarette butt in it?

If you gonna puke,
please aim for the floor.

I can hose it down.

Otherwise, I'm finding corn
in the pleather for months.

Well, if I throw up today,
it's not 'cause I'm having fun.

I'm just happy
because, finally,

there's ladies in the bus
not wearing penis helmets.

Nope, they were all
out of penises,

so I had to settle for balls.

Here, girls.

Nope, I will day drink
on a bus,

but I will not
put balls on my head.

And you wonder
why you're single.

Ugh, there's that crazy
expensive sushi place

where Randy and I ate.

And there's the taco place
we had to eat at afterwards

'cause we were still hungry.

Max, please, you have to
put Randy behind you.

And there's the parking spot
where I put Randy behind me.

Bert, did we sign up
for the Hollywood

relationship death tour?

If so, I'd like to hit
the Affleck-Garner house.

And right up there
is where he lives.

We'd make a right at that
super ripped homeless guy,

and in two or three blocks,
we'd be at Randy's house.

Oh, no, "we do this,"
and "we do that."

She's "we"-ing.

As long as nobody wees
on the seats,

we'll be fine.

Bert, turn off there,
up that street.

No, wait, what are you doing?

You're getting closure.

I want him to face you
without that lame therapist.

Just you and him
face-to-testicle.

Ladies, just how stalker-y
are we getting here?

Like a drive around
the cul-de-sac?

Or a full-on Demi Moore outside
of Mila Kunis' yoga class?

Ooh, there it is.

Up there on the left.

Yep, there it is.

And there he is
letting the dog out.

Oh, and he's only
wearing a towel.

Ah, yeah.

Now I get it, Max.

Bert, go.
This was a bad idea.

No, this is a great idea.

I am not letting you
take this bad feeling

back to New York.

Bert, open the door.
I'm going out.

Bert, close the door.
Let's roll.

[knock at door]

I, uh, wanted to put
some clothes on,

but Caroline wouldn't let me.

Oh, that's the smartest thing
Caroline's done

since I've met her.

Max.

(Max)
I'm not here.

Max, I can see your balls
behind that pillow.

I can see your balls
behind that--

Sophie!
Come on.

This is sad.

Oh, well not from where
I'm sitting.

Max, I'm sorry about the way
I handled things.

I just don't know how
to break things off.

It's why I was the lawyer

on the last three
Adam Sandler movies.

Why?

I just need to know why.

Because I'm too young?
I'm too old?

Is there someone else?
You're married? You're gay?

With a body like that,
gay is definitely on the table.

You want the truth?

I like you too much.

That's why I didn't
break it off sooner.

I didn't want it to end.

That's why you're
breaking up with me?

Because you like me too much?

At least have another family
in Mexico.

Max, I've done
the long-distance thing.

It's just putting off
the inevitable.

You have a life there.
I have a life here.

It doesn't work.

Please don't hate me.

Be easier if I could.

Yep, here they come.

Pardon me?

Are we still firing
your housekeeper today?

Oh, nice hat.

Confirms that theory
that women in LA

are the ones with balls.

This is it, girls.

This is where my healer
does all her magic.

Yeah, you know, she must
sweat a lot doing it,

'cause it smells like it looks
in here, right?

What do you think's
in those jars?

Every fart that's ever
been held in at yoga?

Are you okay, Max?

I guess.

I just wish you told me closure

feels like someone just
slammed my nuts

in the trunk of a Pontiac.

Sophie, we have to be
at the airport in an hour.

Yes, but Audra is my last chance
at getting pregnant.

She'll be ready
when she's ready.

I mean, look around.

She's a professional.

[humming]

Have you seen an orange cat?

A little depressed,
Sagittarius?

Wait, Garfield lives here?

Audra, this is
Max and Caroline.

You know,
I rarely say this to a lady,

but--oh, put a baby in me.

Absolutely.

Hmm?

You think--you don't--okay.

Go ahead.

I'm sorry, I'm just conferring
with my spirit guides.

Well, if you all talk at once,
I can't understand you.

Got it.

They're telling me
that someone here

just had their heart broken.

It's you.

Oh, my God, Max.

Come closer to me.
Come over here.

Oh, gosh, thanks a lot.

You're bogarting my witch.

These spirits don't lie.

Mm-mm.

A little too honest sometimes.

I mean, I didn't ask them
if they like my bangs,

but they sure told me.

It was a whole thing.

You don't need to help me.

I'll get over the Randy thing.

I've been through worse things,

like this right now.

No.

They're insisting
that I help you.

Grab me a jar.

That's where we
store the pain...

and lentils, once you're healed.

Great.

No guy, but now I have a
middle-aged lesbian lover.

[chanting, humming]

[chanting, humming]

All right, it's out.

I thought I was gonna have to
move to a bigger jar.

You must've really
liked this guy.

He was okay.

Well, he's crushed.

He really liked you too.

Never thought a jar
could make me feel better

that wasn't filled
with peanut brittle.

Oh, please, spirits,
put a baby in me!

All right, here we go.

Quiet, everybody.

Let me just close the door.

Okay.

Oh, wait.

There's still some other
unrest here.

[chanting, humming]

Oh, no,
that's way too big.

It's something else.

Oh, really?

Oh, you're telling--

Sure, sure.

Okay. Hold on.

I can't put a baby in you.

(both)
Sorry, Sophie.

You can't?

You made me put needles
in my eyes.

Put me on with them.

Hey, I'm on your side.

Her bangs are ridiculous.

Hey, Earl, we're back.

Hi, girls.

Let me be the first to say
welcome back,

and also,
my deepest sympathies.

How are you, Max?

I just flew in from LA,

and boy, are my arms tired

from hitting the person
next to me.

They would not stop fidgeting.

I had to pee,
and you wouldn't let me out.

Max, Caroline, you're back!

I mean...
hello, how are you?

Han, did you miss us?

Oh, please, I miss you like
America misses RadioShack.

Surprisingly, it left a hole.

I saw you leave a hole once...

on Groundhog Day.

Max, Caroline,
where's Sophie?

I missed her so much.

You know what they say:

absence makes me have to
masturbate almost constantly.

So what did the healer say?

We'll let her tell you.

Hey, everybody!

I'm back from California.

[with Californian accent]
I hope I didn't, like,

totally pick up an accent,
dude.

Oh, I was worried
Jeremy Renner

would make you the last thing
he'd ever be in.

And I was worried you'd say
something exactly like that.

Well, I'll be in my booth.

So what did the healer say?

How soon can we
get a baby in you?

Oh, well, the truth is, Oleg,

the healer said that she
wouldn't be able

to help me get pregnant.

Oh, Sophie.
Why not?

Well, the reason

that I can't get pregnant is...

I'm already pregnant!

Yeah!

I'm gonna be a father?

Yes, I'm three months along.

Yeah, no, that's the last time

I'll buy a pregnancy test
off a boat.

Well, let's bust out
the very cheap,

non-alcoholic champagne.

Non-alcoholic?

Yeah, Sophie can't drink
when she's pregnant.

Oh, all right.

Well, then,
the five martinis

that I had on the plane
were my last.

[cash register dings]