All language subtitles for 2.Broke.Girls.S05E15.And.the.Great.Escape.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DD5.1.x264-CasStudio_track3_[eng]

Listen up.

Max and Caroline are
at a big Hollywood premiere.

They say Harrison Ford
is there.

Tell Han Solo,
"Hello from Han."

Who always does it solo.

(Max)
Yeah, this place is
crawling with celebs.

Everyone's here.

Matt Damon, Cate Blanchett,
Amy Schumer's sister.

If you see Burt Reynolds,
tell him I have his belt.

Snap some boob pics.

Some A-list D's
or some B-list C's.

I can't.
My phone's dead.

(Han)
But you're on your phone.

Big ruckus here.

Matt Damon just threw
a puff pastry at Don Cheadle.

How bout we FaceTime?

Can't.
No reception.

(Han)
But we're talking to you
right now.

Well, I gotta go.

Julia Roberts wants to
split an UberX.

I feel bad lying to Han.

I mean, he's already been
catfished three times this year.

To be fair,
two of those times were me.

And we're not really lying.

We could have gone to that
Hollywood party

if we wanted to.

- And had been invited.
- Hmm.

And hadn't been kicked out
by security.

(Oleg)
We're still on the line.

We can never go back there.

(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

So nice of your new man

to send us
a pressed juice basket.

So LA.

[gagging]
So gross!

[smacking lips]

I love them.
They're disgusting.

This one's like licking
a beet's undercarriage.

Still, it was really
thoughtful of Randy.

He must really like you,

and really want you
to stay regular.

Yeah, someone really
buried the lead

on this whole
being treated well thing,

and I miss him.

You saw him
30 minutes ago.

Feels like 35.

What is that about?
Do I have shingles?

Oh, my God.
I just got an e-mail.

The world's most in-demand
actress is on her way over

to talk about playing me
in the movie of my life.

Betty White's coming here?

It's Jennifer Lawrence!

Amy Schumer's sister's
best friend.

The studio just set it up.

She wants to meet me
to see if she digs my vibe.

Oh, wish I had my vibe.

They wouldn't let me
bring it on the plane.

What was I gonna do?

Terrorize everyone
with pleasure?

Oh, I better go
brush my teeth.

I don't want
Jennifer Lawrence to think

I licked
a cantaloupe's armpit.

The star of "The Hunger Games"
is coming here?

We will have
lots in common.

I mean, I've killed kids
for food.

[laughs]

Hey, everybody.

Does anyone know how to shut off
the fire alarm in the elevator?

'Cause this sage
is really popping off.

Hey, puff puff pass.

Ah, you don't smoke it.

No, it cleans your aura
or some crap like that.

Well, that sounds spiritual.

Oh, you know, my healer says

the reason that I haven't been
able to get pregnant

is that my aura is filthier

than my gynecologist's
Instagram.

Yeah.

But I did get
a lot of likes.

[coughs]
Ugh, Sophie,

I'm getting second hand hippie.

Hey.

Sophie, I have got to get this
out of here

or Jennifer Lawrence will think
this is my vibe.

I'm going for Grace Kelly
not Woody Harrelson.

Well, that's a mistake.

You know what?

My healer, Audra, gave me
a whole list of things

that I need to do
in order to get pregnant.

Is one of them,
"Have sex the front way"?

Yeah, also,
"Eat apples, meditate,

cut down on cigars."

She also said
that I have to practice

loving kindness
with everyone.

Even the people
who trigger my negativity.

Yeah, but you know what?

I'm as sweet as
the sugar substitute

that gave half
my family cancer, yeah.

You're maybe not always

sweet as sugar substitute
to everyone.

I'm not?

Well, here comes this idiot.

You know what?

I'm gonna be real nice to you
so that I can have a baby.

So I don't care
what kind of crap comes out

of your stupid pie hole.

Oh, my God, I'm a monster.

[knocks on door]

Oh, my God, do you think
that's Jennifer Lawrence?

That was fast.
What a star.

Prompt and she costs less
than a man.

Or maybe it's Randy.
It's been a whole 38 minutes.

39.

Aww, that's making me horny.

Yeah, and that's
not on my list.

I came over to tell you
I can't stay the night tonight.

I gotta go to Miami.

My client's causing trouble
on the new Johnny Depp movie.

My client's Johnny Depp.

Is it another
"Pirates" movie?

'Cause I'm only four hours
into the last one.

[cell phone rings]

Caroline Channing's office.

This is her assistant Tiesha.
Please hold.

I gave myself an assistant
'cause I deserve one.

Oh, yeah, there it is.

Oh, my God,
I'm getting triggered.

[cell phone chimes]

Oh, man.

My dog sitter just quit.

She married Eddie Murphy.

Now I don't have anybody
to watch Bruno.

Oh, I can watch Bruno.

Would you want to
stay with him at my place?

At your beautiful house
in the hills

with an amazing view
of the Hollywood sign?

Ugh, fine, but only 'cause
I really want to.

[chuckles]

Okay, so unfortch J Law
got swarmed by the paps

so she has to reschedj.

Oh, boy.

I picked the wrong week
to quit smoking cigars.

Randy, that view is so amazing.

We're so close I can see
the "ho" of the Hollywood sign.

And I bet it's saying, "I can
see the ho of Williamsburg."

Wow, this place is gorgeous.

The last guy Max dated had
a mattress on the floor

and a lady named Sheila
living in the crawl space.

Caroline, are you trying
to make me jealous?

Oh, you have nothing
to worry about.

There's no way
that guy's still alive.

Look, the next 24 hours,

just treat this place
like it's yours.

Don't worry, I will take
really good care of Bruno.

I'll let him sleep right
in the hills.

I haven't been this jealous
of my dog

since I saw him
licking his own balls every day.

Randy, would you say
it's private up here?

Like private enough to have
a meeting with a celebrity

who I'm not at will to name,

but it's Jennifer Lawrence.

Yeah, it's really
quiet up here.

Just one neighbor
up the hill.

Old guy. Rocks the hell
out of a stained sweat suit.

We get along great.

We've never spoken.

I can't get a signal.
What's your Wi-Fi password?

1, 2, 5, lowercase B,

uppercase D, dash, dash, 6, 3,

lowercase F, uppercase F,
5, 2, 1.

Or you can get
some reception outside.

All right, I gotta go.

Come here, big boy.

Who's Daddy's big boy?
Yes.

That call works
on me too, FYI.

Come here, big boy.

[giggles]

Mmm.

Caroline,
where's the best reception?

Behind the hedge down the hill
near this big cactus and--ow!

Ooh, getting a little heat
on this table.

I'm gonna call the diner.

[cell phone rings]

[chuckles]

Hey, Max, how's my girl?

Are you rich, famous,
and driving a Prius yet?

Earl, you would not believe
where we are.

I am looking down on all of LA.

Oh, I'm doing that from here.

Ask Max if she
talked to Sophie.

I didn't get an up the skirt
selfie this morning

and I'm worried.

I got it by accident.

[laughs]

And I'm hoping
talking about it

will somehow free me from it.

Can you forward it to me?

You know what?
Just take my phone.

I'll buy a new one.

[leaf blower blowing]

Ow.

Whoa!
Stop...

blowing.
Stop blowing.

Blowing...

Thank you!

So how would you rate
the LA blow job

compared to the ones
in New York?

This one was less work.

When Jennifer Lawrence
gets here to interview me,

just know, I'm also kind of
interviewing her.

I mean, I know
she has my looks,

but does she have my naivetГ©?

Is that French
for "small boobs"?

Max, I know I said this
at the airport Arby's,

but I could totally
see you living here.

Thanks, girl.

I could totally see you
visiting us.

And look at this TV
from the future.

Where are the cords?

And watch this.
Television...

give me Samuel L. Jackson.

(Television)
Finding Samuel L. Jackson.

Wow, he's in every movie.

He's like
the black Kevin Bacon.

Dude, can you
believe my life?

And you saw
that pool out there.

You don't even have
to blow it up.

[laughs]

Let's go look at it again.

Excuse me, Antonio?
Could you water that cactus?

It's looking a little dry.

That didn't sound rude
to the help, did it?

I don't want to be that person.

Meaning you.

Okay, Jennifer Lawrence
will be here any minute,

and, Max, I have to say,

I'm having
the best hair day ever.

[wind blowing]

I was having
the best hair day ever.

Dude, Jennifer Lawrence took
a helicopter here.

That is so baller.

No, it's probably
the paparazzi following her.

Leave us be!
We're just trying to live!

This is the police!

There is a dangerous criminal
in the area.

We're looking
for Walter Gary Vance.

Everyone, go inside.

This entire area is on lockdown.

No one will be allowed
to pass the roadblock.

What're you doing?

Uh, there's a serial killer
on the loose.

I'm doing what all heroes do.

I'm going on Twitter
to add to the chatter.

Okay, I'm running to my cactus
to call J Law's people

and make sure she doesn't
come out here.

[gasps]
Stop!

Don't go out there.

According to Twitter,

the murder is a cannibal,

and also according
to Twitter,

KhloГ© Kardashian is
feeling the burn.

Oh, my God, a cannibal?

We have to get inside.

I have this terrible feeling
I'm delicious.

So, here we are.

Safe inside

in a house made of glass

on stilts

in a city long overdue
for an earthquake.

[both scream]

[mouthing]

Ah.

We thought you were
a crazy murderer.

I'm not crazy,
but I could just

murder a cheese plate
right now.

Oh, wow.

The hills are so exclusive.

I mean,
it's all blocked off.

I haven't jumped
this many hurdles

since the '84 Olympics.

Sophie, what're you
doing here?

Jennifer Lawrence's people
were trying to reach you,

so they called the hotel,

and to show you
some love and kindness,

I came all the way here
to tell you.

Yeah. Do you think
that will get me a baby?

Not sure, but you can get a baby
for 80 bucks on the dark web.

And it comes
with two outfits.

What did
Jennifer's people say?

I don't know.

So, you just came up here
to tell me that they called,

but you didn't,
like, listen to the words?

Oh, it's never enough
for you, is it?

[meditative chanting]
Ohm.

Ohm.

Ohm getting tired of meditating,

but I think it's working.

Ohm...

Jennifer Lawrence is probably
freaking out

that she can't get to me.

The world doesn't revolve
around you, bitch.

Ohm...ohm.

I can't just
stand here anymore.

I'm going outside
to get a signal.

You know what else
you can get outside?

Ya face eaten.

Well, I'm gonna go risk
the life I have

to go get the life I want.

Sounds like a trailer
for a Liam Neeson movie.

(Television)
Finding Liam Neeson.

Good luck.

That guys been taken more times
than my virginities.

All right, I got a signal

and a warning growl
from a coyote,

but I talked
to Jennifer Lawrence's people,

and she and I are gonna
FaceTime in 20 minutes.

If you still have a face.

Where's Bruno?

Maybe he's back there
in the sauna

like a little hotdog.

[chuckles]

Where's my big boy?

Um, seriously,
where's my big boy?

You didn't leave
the door open, did you?

No.

I'm sure he's in here somewhere.

together:
Bruno? Bruno?

Bruno?

Bruno?

(Television)
Finding "Bruno."

Max, I'm really sorry.

Maybe we could replace the dog

with one that
looks exactly the same.

Like men here do with wives.

Or maybe we don't assume
he's dead after six seconds

and we go out there
and find him.

Okay, good luck.

[scoffs]
You are coming with me.

Randy loves Bruno,

and I lo-uh-ike Randy.

Don't think I didn't hear
what you almost said.

- We need to find the dog.
- But it's getting dark

and there's someone out there
who wants to kill us.

Trust me, there's someone
in there who wants to kill you.

Flashlights.
We need flashlights.

You lo-uh-ike him.

Now there are two people in here
who want to kill you.

Come here, big boy.

God, how could he have gotten
this far on such little legs?

I don't know, Danny DeVito
seems to get around a lot.

Even when you tell Randy
this is 100% your fault,

he is still gonna
break up with me.

Max, you've been with him
four days.

I know, it's my
longest relationship.

I'm really sorry, Max.
We'll find him.

[gasps]
Oh, my God!

- What, you see Bruno?
- No, I see bars on my phone.

We have to stay right here.

It's almost time
for my FaceTime.

Give me that stupid thing.

I'll put it down my pants.

And I'll go get it.

- [gasps and strains]
- You gotta focus

and help me find that dog.

I don't want
to ruin things with Randy

or his house.

Max, this is
so far past boundaries.

Oh, don't talk to me
about boundaries.

Who let the dog out?
Who?

Who-who-who-who?

As I said to Kevin Burlington
my sophomore year of college,

"Just take it."

This is serious.

Randy has given me so much.

Sunglasses, gift baskets,

an orgasm with eye contact.

- Oh, my God.
- I know.

Usually, I have
to push their face away.

No, look.

We're at the foot
of the Hollywood sign.

Quick selfie?

I mean, we have to, right?

On the way back,
once we find the dog.

Which we are definitely
going to do.

[cell phone rings]

[gasps]
Jennifer Lawrence is calling.

Did you just hang up
on J Law?

I'm pretty sure that's
against the J Law.

You're out here
because you lost Randy's dog,

and there's a strange man
standing over there,

and all you can think about
is Jennifer Lawrence.

Did you just say there's a
strange man standing over there?

Oh, my God, I did.

- Look...
- [gasps]

See there, the old guy
in the stained sweat suit.

Oh, he must be Randy's neighbor.

What's he doing out here?

[gasps]
Oh, you found Bruno!

It's so funny, for a second

I thought he was
the cannibal murderer.

[laughs]

(Caroline)
Oh, my God, he has a knife.

Maybe he's just
opening packages.

Come here.
Come here, big boy.

- Uh...run, Max!
- Come here, big boy.

- Come on.
- Nothing to eat here.

I'm stringy and chewy.

(Max)
Quick!

Quick, up here!

Maybe the helicopters
will see us.

Yeah, and if not,

we can throw ourselves
off the O.

I refuse to get eaten
by an old man...

without a bank account.

Can cannibals climb?

Well, they're not called
"climbables," so that's good.

Is he still there?

Well, we'll know in a second

'cause you're screaming
within earshot

of a hungry people-eater.

You are surrounded!
Put your hands up!

[both yelp]

Max, the police are here.

We're safe.
We're safe.

Speak for yourself.

I'm technically under
house arrest in Connecticut.

I let him eat ice cream.

He deserves it.

Who had a rough day yesterday?

I am really sorry, Randy.

You must think I'm as
irresponsible as I am.

This is where you cry

and tell him it's all you
and I'm perfect.

Sorry, I was just thinking,

that dogs gums and teeth
look healthier than mine.

- I still can't believe
my neighbor

was Walter Gary Vance
the cannibal.

And honestly, it was way worse
living next to Courtney Love.

I mean, it's not that hard.

Blue bins are for recycling,

Tuesdays are street cleaning,

Don't do heroin on my porch.

Yeah, that's
a driveway sport.

Look, Bruno's
gotten out before,

but the fact that you
went out there to look for him

and risked your lives.

I mean, you were fearless.

Pfft, whatever.
Maybe a little.

Ugh, great.
Jennifer Lawrence just passed.

She's dead?

No, she passed on the movie.

It's her loss.

Well, it's your loss,
but I feel like I owe you

for risking your life
to find my boyfriend's dog.

Not that
you're my boyfriend,

'cause gross.

I'd be lucky
to be your boyfriend.

If I was, which yuck,
I'm not.

Hey, everybody.

Look,
I'm spiritually evolved now.

Yeah, you know, the meditating
was screwing up my knees,

so I bought this getup
from an Indian woman

at a bus stop.

Yeah, it's a lot easier.

Sophie, those flowers
are beautiful.

Yeah...

and they're for you.

What're they gonna do to me?

They're an act of love
and kindness.

Sophie, that's literally

the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.

Oh, yeah.

I don't know
if it's my aura's clean,

or it's the 12.95 Bindi dot
I'm wearing,

but I really do mean it.

Oh, Sophie, no.
That's dog ice cream.

Mind your own business, bitch!

And we're back.

[cash register bell dings]