All language subtitles for 2.Broke.Girls.S05E14.And.You.Bet.Your.Ass.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DD5.1.x264-CasStudio_track3_[eng]

[upbeat music]

Caroline, I'm home!

I mean, I'm hotel!

(Caroline)
I'm upstairs,

because we have an upstairs!

Thank you for losing
all your money so Hollywood

would buy your story and
I could buy all the pot I want.

Hello, darling.
You're just in time

for my big Hollywood entrance.

Hold up, Greta Garbage.

I just want to tell Earl about
the pot sitch out here.

He'll think
it's high-larious.

You never want to
watch me walk.

What up, Earl?
It's your girl, Max,

calling from Holly-weed,
Cali-juana.

Hey, Max, it's not
the same without you here.

A lot less customers crying.

Listen to this!

They just give
you pot cards out here.

All I had to say was
"Sure, I get sad."

Hey, I'm an 80-year-old man
working at a dead-end diner.

I bet I'd get two cards.

Is that Max?
Let me talk to her.

I can't find my white golf
glove, and I know you took it!

Han, keep your panties on.

I have no idea where
your glove is.

Oh, I'm driving
through the hills.

I'm...breaking...up.
Aah...uhh...

Okay, here comes my big
Hollywood entrance.

Hello, darling--I hope
I haven't kept you waiting.

[applause]

Oh, my God!
Are you okay?

Uh-huh.

I'm head over heels
for Hollywood, baby.

(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[upbeat music]

Just put it wherever you
would usually put things

for, like, a big Hollywood
meeting with screenwriters

who are writing
your life story.

So, the counter?

Go with your instincts.

If I'd gone with my instincts,

I would've finished
nursing college.

Another reason I love LA?
We just had brunch at a place

where you can
valet park your dog.

Oh, my God, Max,
are those new sunglasses?

Randy got them for me.

I had to.
Your other pair of sunglasses

were being held together
by willpower,

and four-week-old gum.

Can you have
dinner tonight?

- Ah, would that mean I have
to have sex with you again?

Because the answer
is yes.

Max, you're going out
with Randy again?

I've barely seen you
since we got here.

And I've seen
David Schwimmer four times.

I've never met
David Schwimmer,

which is weird 'cause I'm
pretty sure I'm his lawyer.

Why don't you come
to dinner with us?

Would that mean she has
to have sex with you again?

Because that's a yes!

Actually, now
I think of it,

I can set you up
with an old friend of mine.

He is big in this town.

Deli-sandwich-
named-after-him big.

If you start dating
a big sandwich,

I'm gonna be really jealous.

- See you later?
- Hey.

My boobs are down here.

Wear something cute.

[giggles]
Okay.

Last time a guy told you
to wear something cute,

You said, "Like what?
Yo nuts?"

You really like this guy.

Oh, can you just
not ruin this for me

by pointing out
what's good about it?

- Ooh, snacks.
- No, don't eat those.

That's for the meeting
with the writers.

Writers are actors who gave up,
so they're allowed to eat.

Can we talk about casting
with these writers?

Because for once,
I want a name to play me,

not just some lady who falls
out of her tube top on "Cops."

Hi, everybody!

[audience cheers]

Sophie, I thought you were
gonna be at the healer

who's gonna help you
get pregnant

until well after
our meeting.

Well, you're wrong.

Yeah.

My healer had to cancel.

She's trying to get Kim
Kardashian pregnant again.

Or is it Kanye?

I forget which one's
the girl.

I'm pretty sure it's Kanye,
because he's the one

that goes crazy
once a month.

[knocking on door]

This is so exciting.
Our movie meeting is happening!

This is exciting.

I've never been
in a hotel meeting

that didn't start
on Craigslist.

- Hi!
- Hi, I'm Leslie.

This is Jason.
He's my partner.

- Writing partner.
To be clear,

I only date models.

- Hand models,
to be clear.

Come on in.

I'm Caroline Channing.

You probably recognize
me from Google Images.

The photo of me being dragged
out of Barneys crying

with my cut up credit cards
is classic.

And I'm Max Black.
If you Google Image me,

you'll see the Canadian dude
I stole my identity from.

You're hot.
Are you a model?

That is
so unprofessional.

Right. Like I'm
the one who has to stay

500 feet away
from Fred Savage.

He's just so darn cute!

Anyway, hi.

Hi, okay, yeah.
Let's switch focus and sit

and talk movie.

I already came up with
my character's catch phrase.

I think every time I leave
the room, I should say

"Jigga jigga damn."

We thought it was just
gonna be us and Caroline,

not that you're not
fun and fabulous.

You're like a sober
Megan Fox.

I'm confused.
I assumed you wanted to meet

with both of us
because, you know,

Max is a huge
part of the story.

Stop texting.
Help me.

This is just a boring,
preliminary,

get-to-know-you meeting.

- It would really be better if--
- I wasn't here.

Yeah, I get it.
I know when I'm not wanted.

That's why I high-tailed it
out of my mother's womb.

Anyway, I have a big
Hollywood meeting myself.

- You do?
- Uh, yeah.

I have an appointment
to go stand in line

for a little thing called
"The Price Is Right."

You ever heard of it?

Ah, you know you have.

Max, you don't have to go.

It's cool,
it's cool.

And with that,
let me just say,

jigga jigga damn.

So, here's the thing.

Your friend's character
is not in the movie.

We don't have to do that
"jigga jigga damn" thing.

To be honest, I've never
heard her say that.

Nothing personal
to your friend.

- She's hot.
- We get it!

But Jennifer Lawrence
is interested in playing you.

And she wants to do
a brave, no-makeup role.

Without a co-star.

Jennifer Lawrence
wants to play me?

Jigga jigga damn!

[upbeat music]

*

So you want to sleep
over again tonight?

Think your mom
will let you?

Maybe. She let me
get a job at five.

You guys are sitting on
the same side of the table?

Max, you've kicked people
out of the diner for that!

And it was a boy
and his nana.

I've sat next to people
before at dinner.

They kind of make you
at the shelter.

Some wine?

Wine that's not from a box?
That's a yes!

Anyway, how was
"The Price Is Right"?

Did you get to meet the host,
I want to say Alex Sajack?

Control that temper, Max.

It's Drew Carey,
and he gets housewives wet

five days a week--
know the facts.

But I showed up too late,
so I got to go back tomorrow.

I was thinking of wearing a
shirt that said

"One in the Plinko,
two in the stinko."

How about I buy you a lifetime
supply of Rice-A-Roni?

Aw. I don't think you realize
how much Rice-A-Roni I can eat.

Oh, there's Bob.

Bob! We're over here.

Oh, hey there, hot shot.

[cheers and applause]

Is that my date Bob,
or a different Bob?

I need that to be
a different Bob.

I think that's
the very first Bob.

It was Adam, Eve, and Bob.

Caroline, this is Bob.

- Bob, meet Caroline Channing.
- Nice to meet you.

Not a lot on top.

I hope he means
I'm stupid.

Wow. If me and Randy
are May-December,

you two are May-Dead.

Marlon Brando played
the pants off the Godfather.

You bet your ass he did.

At the end of the day,
he was kissing my ring.

Speaking of kissing,
I haven't gotten one

since that time Bob
did heroin with the Stones.

I think you mean the time
the Stones did heroin with Bob.

Getting any ideas?

Yeah, that I want
to die before 60.

Anybody want to do
a little blow?

[chokes]

I'm gonna pass.
We have to be careful, Bob.

Some of us are
capable of dying.

I'm gonna pass as well.
I don't do snorties.

Even I'm scared of how much
talking there'd be.

Toot, toot.
The train is leaving.

Um, Randy?

It was really nice of
you to set me up,

but what the hell
were you thinking?

There's a 100-year age
difference!

Caroline,
this is Hollywood.

Age doesn't matter.

Unless you're a woman.

Plus, Bob's got
a lot of connections.

He could really help
you with your deal.

I'm not gonna sleep
with God's college roommate

to get ahead in Hollywood.

I think sleeping's pretty
much all you'd have to do.

Never got
to the blow.

Ran into my fourth ex-wife,
only this time

it wasn't with the moose bumper
on my Range Rover.

You're still driving?

What are you dolls doing
in Hollywood?

You girls like a sister act
or something?

Kind of. They're making
a movie about us,

So, what did
the writers say?

What did they think about
Zach Galifianakis playing me?

Well, it's nothing personal,

but the writers don't
feel like you're...

It's just,
there's so much story.

There's a lot
of characters already.

You're out of
the picture, kid.

Really?
I'm out?

Max, I'm sorry.
I told them you are crucial.

But then they said maybe
Jennifer Lawrence would play me

and I kind of blacked out
after that.

Hey, I've been cut out of
a lot of life stories,

like my mom's,
every time she met a guy.

I was just her two-year-old
cleaning lady.

Max, this is just the way
Hollywood works.

Bob, you know
how Hollywood is.

You were there
when it started.

It's cool, it's cool.
Randy, you ready?

Yeah, we're gonna take off
before the next story, Bob.

I can only hear about that
three-way

with Gavin MacLeod
so many times.

Plus, I have to get up early

to get in line for
"The Price Is Right."

I used to babysit
little Bobby Barker.

Max, don't leave.
Stay for another drink.

Nah, I'm out.

Wow, you could cut that
tension with my coke blade.

Max is tough.
We're a team.

We've been through
a lot together,

including a car wash
that time our shower broke.

You'll be fine, kid.

You're gonna have
plenty of friends

when your movie comes out,

and for six months after that.

I don't need fake friends.
I have Max.

That's what Wesley Snipes
said about Jane Fonda.

- They're not friends.
- You bet your ass they're not.

[upbeat music]

[people muttering,
shouting]

I thought you weren't
gonna have time

to be on
"The Price Is Right,"

with Caroline's big and
I'm assuming boring movie.

Well, my schedule's
wide open.

When it comes to the movie,
I pulled out.

You know, like I always
tell guys I'm going to.

Oh, it's Oleg.

I bet you he wants
to have phone sex.

Is there anything
I can lean on?

(Oleg)
Hey, Sophie.

I was just making
some baby back ribs

and I thought,
* I want my baby back

Then I pleasured myself
with an oven mitt.

(Sophie)
So, no sex?

'Cause I see a bench.
It's a perfect height,

and I can have Max
hold the phone for us.

Is that Sophie?
Is she with Max?

Give me that.

It's Han, and you know sounds
even shorter long-distance.

Max, did you play with
the ringtone on my phone?

Every time it rings,
it makes sex sounds.

[woman whimpering]

Mother.
I have to call you back.

Sounds like she's doing
just fine on her own.

How do I make
the sex sounds stop?

For you, it's
a rare occurrence.

Just leave it in your pants
and enjoy it.

- So, Max--
(Max) Sorry, Han.

I can't hear you.
I'm driving through the hills.

I'm...breaking...up
aah...ahh...

[woman whimpering]

I'm coming, Mother!

Ooh, here comes
the contestant picker.

Act like you're a stay-at-home
mom from the Midwest.

That's the "Price Is Right"
sweet spot.

Okay, how's this?

[in a Midwestern accent]
Oh, God.

Those little bastards
are just running me ragged.

both: Pick me! Pick me!

We got a lot of 12-year-old
boys playing sick at home.

How long can you ladies
jump up and down for?

- 20 minutes.
- Step out of line.

What is that costume?

Oh, this is home-bedazzled,
doncha know?

Step out of line.

I'm just glad to be
out of the house.

Wait here.
You're both in the mix.

Practice being excited
to meet Drew Carey.

He knows when
you're faking it.

My Bob never knows
when I'm faking it.

Keep it up.
I like your pepper.

Max! I've been looking
all over for you.

What are you doing here?

This isn't a scene
in the movie.

I know, because I'm in it.

Max, there would be
no movie without you.

There would also be no armed
guards at HomeTown Buffet.

What's your point?

I would've been here sooner,

but I just got back
from Vegas with Bob.

He lost $50,000,

and somehow
Faye Dunaway's Oscar.

But Bob and I talked a lot about
friendship on the helicopter.

You know, right after
I jump-started his heart

with the epi pen.

And you and I
are not gonna be

Winona Ryder and
Gwyneth Paltrow.

Or Sophie
and Gwyneth Paltrow!

That bitch.

I was going to name
my first-born "Apple,"

and she took it.

Now I have to settle
for "Fritter."

I am not gonna sell out our
friendship for Hollywood.

Max, you're in the movie
and you're coming with me

to the meeting
to tell them that.

But I'm in the mix.
They actually want me here.

But I want you there.

I'm the stupid
you should be with.

All right, screw it.

Sophie, I'm gonna go with her.

Why stop making
bad decisions now?

All right, but I'm gonna have to
make another friend in line.

[Midwestern accent]
Hi, I'm Barb.

Oh, gosh, carpool
and fluffernutter...

because soccer, right?

[upbeat music]

*

Max, this is kind of
our first Hollywood party.

I know. I wonder
who I'll go home with.

Probably
Andrew Dice Clay again.

Hey listen, this might be

the sixth teeny,
tiny, tequila talking,

but thanks
for standing up for me

and not letting those writers
cut me out of your life.

Oh, Max,
that means a lot.

I love it when
you're drunk and nice.

[phone ringing]

Oh, no, it's Han.

Wonder what he wants.

You think
he finally realized

I changed the outgoing
message on the diner

to "Welcome
to Diarrhea-ville?"

Max, I heard
the outgoing message,

and I found a series of Home
Alone-style traps in my office,

each one more fiendishly
clever than the last.

And I don't know how you got
those goats in his office,

but we're having a hard time
getting them out.

What's next, Max?

What will finally
bring me to my knees?

I don't know. A guy who
kind of looks like a girl?

Why are you doing
all of this to me?

I just didn't want you to
forget me while I was away.

audience: Aw!
- Oh, Max.

Now you've
brought me to tears.

[goat bleating]

Aah!

Congratulations, Max.

You finally got his goat.

[whimpering]

Whoo! Aah!

Somebody help me!

Cover those nuts.

You may need them
one day.

I like that you're
a bi-coastal bully.

That might be our sequel.

[knocking on door]

Oh, I forgot to tell you.

I invited a couple
of guys over.

Who? I'm kind of seeing
someone-ish.

It's Randy and Bob.

Bob was real?

I thought he was a ghost.

Hey, girls.
I brought some bubbly

to celebrate
your victory today,

and Bob brought a wide variety
of opiates and stimulants.

Oh, I'm glad to see
you two stuck it out.

True friendship is
a rare thing.

There's only one man
I've ever trusted,

and that is
Anjelica Huston.

[helicopter whirring]

Holy crap!

I think God is here for Bob.

Is that chopper for you?

You bet your ass it is.

I'm going to Malibu.

Susan Sarandon
is ordering pizza.

We're doing molly.

Bob.

Will I ever see you again?

Slow down, pussycat. I'm just
getting out of something.

That man sure knows
how to make an exit.

Not from life,
but from everything else.

I gotta go, doll.

[audience hoots]

Bob's gonna
drop me off at home.

Hopefully, I'll land
in my pool this time.

I don't know what it is,
but I'm crazy about Bob.

Get it, girl.

[upbeat music]

*