All language subtitles for 2.Broke.Girls.S05E12.And.the.Story.Telling.Show.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DD5.1.x264-CasStudio_track3_[eng]

Excuse me, ma'am?

Ma'am?

Well, it happened.

I'm gonna hit a kid.

Would you like to support
my baseball league

for underprivileged youth?

I don't see
an underprivileged youth.

I see a young me
trying to scam an old me.

Sir?

I'm sorry,
I have diabetes.

And I'm not stupid.

Move it along.

It's not a scam!

My friends and I
just want to place

to play baseball
after school

so we're not hanging
on the streets like rap people.

Kid, I started
the candy scam.

I raised $500
for a homeless bowling league,

AKA pot.

Catch this,
Mr. Baseball.

Not the face!

I think I know
which team you play on,

and it ain't baseball.

(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

You still shopping on your phone
for things you can't afford?

Who are you?
Everyone in America?

I just add things
to my cart without buying them.

Why not buy one Apple watch
when I can not buy two?

It's called
dry shopping.

So it's like dry humping,
but you don't get anything?

I'm sorry, Max,

but tomorrow's the anniversary
of when I lost my money

and my peaches-and-cream
complexion.

Not my words;
"Seventeen" magazine's.

I need a fantasy life.

I mean, I just thought
you were over all that junk.

You thought I was "over"
losing $5 billion

and my whole life?

Oh.

I guess I was just over you

talking about it all the time.

You need to let go
of your past.

Pickup!
Turkey burger...ish.

If you weren't so busy
not buying a...

three-bedroom townhouse
on the Upper East Side,

you would've noticed that
Mr. Turkey Burger at table ten's

been checking out
your buns.

He is not.
He is?

[chuckles]

Get in there.

Sex is still free...

[clicks tongue]

For women.

Fine, I'll go over there,

but this better not
be a prank,

like when you told me
Bette Midler was at table three

and really wanted to meet me.

It was just
some old Jewish lady,

and she was mean.

That was Bette Midler!

Here's your turkey burger.

My friend thinks
you're flirting with me,

and you're obviously not,

so if you could just tell her
you're not,

that'd be great.

[laughing]
Okay.

I will tell her I am not
flirting with you...

on one condition.

You go see a show with me
tomorrow.

I feel tricked.

So...is that a yes?

I hope so,

because I already
wrote down my number.

Um...yeah, sure.

I mean, if it's already
written down,

I guess I have to go.

I can't believe I didn't notice
he was flirting.

What's wrong with me?

Let me get my list.

Hi, everybody!

Good news!

Oleg and I
are getting a surrogate

to carry our baby.

Yeah, doing it the other way
was taking longer

than my stuttering uncle did
to finish his s-s-s-sentence.

Sophie, I hope
you're not thinking of me

to be your surrogate.

Just keep in mind,

you won't even let me
carry your purse.

You think I'd hire a surrogate
that's older than me?

Come on. No.

Max is helping me
interview people

this week in my booth.

This is so exciting.

I wish I got to pick
the person I grew inside.

My mom drank so much
during her pregnancy,

I was born wearing a shirt
that says,

"It's 5:00 somewhere."

*

[clears throat, coughs]

Can we all just admit
vaping is smoking?

Anyway, I'm on the list
for whatever this is.

Channing, Caroline.

There you are.
The show's $20.

My date put me on the list.

I'm sure he paid for me.

He kind of pursued me
pretty hard.

It is, again, a date.

Well, then
you're dating a loser...

and you owe me 20 bucks.

What am I spending my last
$20 on right now?

It's a storytelling show.

People telling
their personal stories.

It's basically
a fun way to find out

which one of your friends
had a stepfather

that was so mean.

In lieu of cash,
would you accept a tampon?

I have light, regular, super.

Everything you don't feel
on your period.

[laughs]

There is nothing funny
about my cramps.

I don't get out of bed
three days a month.

I'll go call a friend.

*

So by now
I was in high school.

But just when I thought
I'd escaped my bullies,

I met the worst one yet:
puberty.

Oh, god.

Thanks for bringing
the $20, Max,

and sorry you had to spend
another $20.

It figures, on the anniversary
of my father stealing money,

I get ripped off
by another guy.

Well, I'm getting
that $40 back.

I spent more money tonight
than I did in 2013.

It was a high school dance,

and Rachel Mooney,
a popular girl,

pulled down my pants.

That's right.

I got dance-pantsed.

Oh, this guy
just went from Tom Cruise

to Tom Snooze.

(Adam)
In the end,
what I learned

is that I'm the painter
of my life,

and I can paint out
what I don't want to see.

My brushes are mine.

My strokes are mine.

Guess what's not
getting stroked tonight.

Old Adam's paintbrush.

[light applause]

That's got to be sarcastic
applauding, right?

'Cause I feel like I heard,
like, a question mark

at the end of the clap.

Thank you,
Adam August.

That is the end
of our show.

I'd like to thank
all of our performers.

You live the stories
that we live to hear.

Hey, Caroline.

I know,
that was pretty real.

It was real long.

So where are we going
for dinner?

Your treat,
and she's coming.

Actually,
I'm pretty spent emotionally.

Well, we're spent
forty-dollars-ally.

It's just one of
those nights where...

you leave it all
on the stage.

You happen to leave
a couple twenties up there?

Let--let me get
something straight.

You gave all of yourself
talking about a couple bullies?

That's not a rough life.
You know that, right?

Well, I know
I'm entitled to my truths

and how my truths
make me feel.

Yeah, but it's not like
you lost a billion dollars

and your father went to prison
and you had to move in with me.

And I am a way bigger bully
than Rachel Mooney.

Caroline has a rough story.

Again, we can't
compare our truths.

I'm sorry, but did all that
really happen to you?

You lost billions?

Five years ago today,
in fact.

And with what I lost tonight,
$5 billion, $40.

Well, have you ever
considered

telling your story
in a safe space?

You mean one of those locations
where you can drop off a baby,

no questions asked?

N--no.
No.

No, I mean here.

Telling your story here.

Hey,
you know what?

I probably have some fans
waiting for me outside,

so I will leave you be.

You're still here?

Thanks for the offer,
but I'm not really a writer.

Or a person who would
come here twice.

Plus, I'm trying
to put my story behind me.

All right.
Well, think about it.

It pays $50.
Here's my card.

You work at Avis?

Oh, uh--
ooh.

That's my other job.

And remember,
you have a story to tell.

And sometimes renting a car
is actually cheaper

than a long-term lease,
so...

I think you should
totally do this.

To finally tell my story
and give it closure?

Yeah, a little of that,
but mostly the 50 bucks.

*

I'm here for
the surrogacy interview.

Max, we got another
baby mama.

Look at all these woman
trying to get pregnant.

It's like NBA All-Star Weekend.

Here's my resume,
and do you validate?

I've never been validated,
so you're not getting validated.

But I am impressed
you have a car,

so have a seat.

Max, I've been working
on my life story for the show.

"As a little girl,
I dreamt of being a princess.

"It wasn't until I lost
everything that I realized...

that's what I'd already been."

What else you got?

Come on, Max,
this is important.

I've never told the story
about the day I lost my money,

so it's all very raw.

Okay, but just know,

sometimes things
can be too raw,

like that chicken
club sandwich that

buck-kaw'd
at the table.

Looks like my appearance

on the Brooklyn
Small Business podcast

really paid off!

These aren't customers, silly.

These are just women that will
do literally anything for money.

Will any of them
wait tables?

Han, can I go work
in your office?

I just need to write
my life story.

I promise I won't
play with your Legos.

You mean those
little plastic men

protecting his virginity?

Sophie, ready to meet
the next potential surrogate?

Oh, well, the lady
in stall two is out.

Yeah, I just heard
her balls hit the water.

Where is Oleg?

Sorry, I was watching
a YouTube video

on how to make spaghetti.

Boy, I was way off.

Uh, Sophie?

This is Claire.

You liked that her application
was filled out in pink pen.

Do you mind if I sit down?

My back is killing me.

Yeah, well, your front
is killing me.

I mean, what the hell?

I don't know
if you're aware of this,

but your "No Vacancy" sign
is flashing.

Yes, but once I give this gift

to a lovely same-sex
couple in Tribeca,

I would love to carry
your gift into the world.

I've been a surrogate
12 times.

What are you?

A baby PEZ dispenser?

What do you get after 12?
A free sub?

Next!

Pregnant 12 times?

Must be like saloon doors
down there.

I don't know.

Are you sure you can't spend
more than $200 on this thing?

Because I feel like
it's reflecting

in the pool of candidates.

*

Which one says,
"Just because I'm at my bottom

doesn't mean I can't wear
a nice top"?

Even your shirts
talk too much.

Max can you be serious?

No, but you sure can.

I read your story,
and it is supes serious,

so I took the liberty
of putting some jokes in.

I mean, "Schindler's List"
was depressing,

but at least
there were still jokes.

You changed my life story?

You got mustard
on my life story?

I added a few riffs
and had a hot dog.

I think your story is really,
really sad,

and it's gonna bum people out,
and that's gonna bum you out,

and that's gonna bum me out.

Well, as I said
to Mrs. Shearson,

who directed me in "Cabaret,"

I don't know how
I could be much better,

but I'm open to your ideas.

All right, let me hear
some of your funnies.

All right, first of all,

we're gonna sit Han
in the front row,

and you're gonna say,

"I'm gonna keep this short,
'cause this guy did."

Hold for what I have to imagine
is a five- to ten-minute laugh.

Okay, all through
this first section,

you're driving
right through Snoresville,

and then you take a slight right
into Who-gives-a-crap-town.

The point is you're driving
a 2016 Ford Bore-us.

All right, fine.

I'll put some of your jokes in.

Oh, but I don't want
to attack Anne Hathaway.

Hasn't she been through enough?

*

And after it was all
said and done,

I looked at my vagina...

And my vagina
looked at me,

and we shared
a knowing glance.

It was as if she was giving me
permission to tell her story.

Thank you, vagina.

And thank you
for listening.

[applause]

I never thought
I could get tired

of hearing the word
"vagina,"

and yet, here I am.

Hey, tips are
kind of low, huh?

How'd you like to make $200,
possibly $250, to have my baby?

What?

You carry stuff anyway.

Just as well.

I didn't want our baby
to have that hair color.

Where's that waitress going?

I need a double.

A double what?

Double anything.

How's everyone doing out there?

Isn't this a wonderful way
to spend a Friday night?

Hmm?

I'm up next.

On a scale of 9 to 10,
how do I look?

You look beautiful,

so they're gonna
be really surprised

when you have jokes.

And our next storyteller
is here for the first time,

reading a tale so epic
that it should be two tales.

And like the two-tailed
Melusina,

a serpent of European
folklore...

She is truly a beauty.

What in good God
is that man talking about?

Please welcome
Caroline Channing.

[applause, snaps]

As he said, my name
is Caroline Channing.

That used to mean
something special,

and I have learned
through the past few years

that it still does.

My father was Martin Channing,

the most hated man
in New York City.

Except for any
Time Warner Cable guy...

You know what?

I don't need to look at this.

I know what happened.

I'll never forget it.

You don't forget the day
that you lose yourself.

[groaning]
Oh, boy.

She's off script.

She's gone rogue.

Where's that waitress?

Double his double!

*

As my driver drove
down 5th Avenue

and up to my townhouse,

I saw there was
a police car parked out front.

And at first, I thought,
"Am I being arrested?"

Lip-synching to Ludacris
at a stoplight!

But it was my father
being arrested.

I saw my father in handcuffs.

There, in that instant,

I went from princess
to pariah.

[scoffs]

Well, she threw away
a perfectly good

"Pariah Carey" joke.

Shh!

Just looking out
for my girl here.

(both)
Shh!

My perfect world
was shattered.

I saw the man who I trusted,

who I believed in
more than anyone,

who read me bedtime stories

and taught me how to tie
my shoes with bunny ears...

I saw my father in handcuffs.

He stole my trust,

my belief in people,

my innocence.

If she doesn't say "virginity,"
I am leaving.

He stole who I thought I was

and left me to find
who I really am.

Thank you.

Nothing?

[scoffs]

We got to sneak her
out the back door.

[applause]

You were so sad
and triumphant

and...so...

[sobs]

Oh, here come the waterworks!

[sobbing]

Caroline,

I know you said
you never would,

but you touched me.

That really tugged
at my heartstrings...

or cables or wires

or whatever's in here
keeping me alive.

[moaning]
Caroline...

Oh, you know what
you and I both need?

A hug. Yeah.

Oh...

It's nice, isn't it?

Caroline,
that was great!

I'm so glad I inspired you
with my awesome story.

You're still here?

[scoffs]

I'm sorry I didn't
do your jokes, Max.

You know what?

You didn't need them!

I think people sometimes
like to be sad.

That's why there's Adele.

I think I finally
got closure.

It's gone, Max.

Love you.

Love your story.

Thanks.

I'm Nina Spiegel.

I found the whole thing
riveting.

The ups, the downs,
the way-downs.

Ugh, your story had it all.

She's not joining
your threesome.

Sorry, that's usually
what women want

when they compliment me.

Look, I'd like to talk about
taking this to my studio.

You have your own
studio apartment?

Let the wooing continue.

No, it's a film studio.

Warner Brothers.

The Tasmanian Devil
Warner Brothers?

I think we can turn your story
into a movie.

Really?

The Caroline Channing story

deserves to live
on the big screen

for one to two weeks.

Then On Demand
for eternity.

Oh, my God.

Max, isn't this exciting?

I know!

They have Speedy Gonzalez too!

*

I'm still on hold, Max.

I know Nina's important,

because her assistant
has put me on hold six times

and muted me twice.

Muting you's an option?

Why wouldn't they
put that in your manual?

Hi!

Oh, are you kidding?

I love waiting.

Sophie, here's
your consolation gnocchi,

for not finding somebody
to get gn-knocked up.

Oh, thanks, Oleg.

Well, at least I have you.

You know what, Sophie?

I'll be the surrogate,

but if my pregnancy boobs
knock over a street lamp,

that's on your insurance.

That's real nice of you, Max,

but if there's anything that
I learned from Caroline's story,

it's that you can't give up,
even if you should.

Oh, so you're gonna
keep trying?

No, we're gonna adopt,

and we will cherish
this little baby,

even if it's not
technically from us.

Yeah, Oleg's right.

I mean, half my hair's
not from me,

but I love it just as much
as if it were.

They are flying me
to Hollywood!

They wan to bring me out
first class

for a meet-and-greet.

But I told them no.

Are you crazy?

You can't pass up
a meet-and-greet.

You can't pass up
any kind of meat.

You're anemic.

I switched the tickets
for two coach seats.

I want you to come with me!

Who needs to lie flat

when I can be squished
between my best friend

and an obese rabbi in row 36?

We're going to Hollywood!

*