All language subtitles for 2.Broke.Girls.S05E09.And.the.Sax.Problem.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DD5.1.x264-CasStudio_track3_[eng]

Got a marriage proposal
in the diner.

Where they gonna honeymoon--
a Porta-Potty?

That's the saddest thing
I ever seen,

and I was at a Rolling Stones
concert last night.

The guy wants me to put
this ring her pie.

'Cause you know what they say--

If you like it, then you gotta
put a ring in it.

Well, this is a first.

A guy left me a half
a tuna sandwich as a tip.

Which is still more
than Europeans leave.

There's a proposal
at table 40,

and you have to do it.

I already delivered
a baby in here today.

Well, they've obviously
been dating a while,

'cause she's eating carbs
in front of him.

Caroline
is so happy right now.

She still believes
in all that love crap.

Uh, she also believes
table 14 is table 40.

Here's your pie.

I have a feeling this dessert
is gonna be extra-sweet.

It's an engagement ring!

He hid it in the pie!

Yes! Yes, I'll marry you.

I know I said I was
cool with waiting,

but I wasn't cool with it!

Yep. She messed up.
This isn't yours.

Um...again.
I'm cool with waiting.

And for you two,
pie on the house,

and I'm guessing a very
tense cab ride home.

*

(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Where's Earl?
He isn't here yet,

and I'm worried.

Wait--it's not
a black holiday, is it?

Earl better not be dead,
or I'll kill him.

We have a joint
suicide pact.

We smoke a joint
and then we kill ourselves.

He's probably just late.
Don't overreact.

That's exactly what Janine
at 911 said ten minutes ago

when I overreacted
with her!

You called 911?

When I came home
three hours late last night,

you had already put
all my stuff out on the street.

Hi, everybody!

Wait a minute--
where's Earl?

It's not as much fun
walking in here

if he's not down there
looking up at my boobs.

He's late.

[gasps]
Late?

Oh...I'm sorry, Max.

I know you two
were close.

See? That's the kind of
sympathy I was looking for

from you and Janine.

Sophie,
what's with those needles?

Oh, yeah--I'm getting ready
to shoot up.

Sophie's starting
her fertility shots today.

Before long,
we'll be parents.

Look out, PTA meetings...

I'll bring the P.
She'll bring the T&A.

All right, come on, Oleg.
I'm ready for my first shot.

Come on, let's go
to the ladies' room

so you can poke me
real good.

You're not poking her
anywhere in here.

Thanks to you, the handicap
stall is a condom graveyard!

Sophie, you know I'm only
afraid of two things--

needles and Kenny Rogers
after the eyelift.

He did not know
when to fold 'em.

Someone else will have to
give you your shots.

Well, I guess I could do it.

Roll up your sleeve.

Okay, yeah.

I'll roll up my sleeve...
and then pull down my Spanx,

'cause you gotta put it
where the sun don't shine, baby.

Uh...this is a little
awkward, but Sophie,

I was unaware I'd be
injecting your badonkadonk.

Okay, Han.

Take my hand...

That's right.
Mm-hmm.

That's real good.
All right, come on.

And I'm gonna take you now

to show you
your first lady butt.

Now, there's
a heart-warming tableau

that Norman Rockwell
somehow missed.

Hello, ladies.

Earl!
I'm so glad you're alive.

You always go
straight to dead, Max.

But thanks for sending
the paramedics.

I needed help finding
my Apple TV remote.

I was stuck on the phone
with Barry

from my old jazz band
The Early Birds.

You may have read about us
in "Never Made It" magazine.

Caroline and I were on
the cover last week.

He told me they're holding
an anniversary show

down at Ruby's,

and The Early Birds
are invited to perform

on Friday night.

[gasps]
Earl!

One of my dreams
is to hear you play live.

And the other one
already happened--

breakfast all day
at McDonald's.

Well, I hate to burst
your McMuffin, Max,

but that ain't
gonna happen,

'cause I'm not
invited to play.

Ruby doesn't want me
there.

Ruby hates Earl.

Well, then Max hates Ruby.

Oh! What happened
between you and Ruby?

Was it a crazy
love affair?

Mm-hmm. We were hot.

Oh! An amour fou?

No, it was a-more I fooled
around with her sister.

Look! [gasps]
Earl and The Early Birds!

- Where'd you get that?
- I went down the street

to Smart & Vinyl.

12.95.

You spent 12.95
on Earl's record,

but you wouldn't lend me
25Вў for a latte yesterday?

Look, we gotta do
something about Earl.

He deserves to play
at that jazz club.

I mean, he is the only one
at this diner

who has a chance
to make it.

I appreciate your enthusiasm,
but of all of us here,

you think the 80-year-old
has the brightest future?

For as long as
I've known Earl,

all he talked about is how proud
he was of that band.

And that Ruby woman

is denying him the chance
to play again?

Not on my watch.

If I own one.

Which...I do not.

We are going down
to that club

and talk some sense
into Ruby,

because Earl would do the same
for us if we had any talent.

I just have to ask--

you do think we're gonna
get out of here one day.

Oh, for sure!

In body bags.

Wow, this place
is the real deal!

All the jazz greats
sang here.

Look--Ella Fitzgerald,
Sarah Vaughan, Nina Simone.

You know, there was a moment
when I wanted to be--

Was there ever a moment
when you wanted to be quiet?

Scotch on the house, please.

Normally, I don't drink
in the afternoon,

but it's still morning.

I'll have a Lillet.

I hear it was
Billie Holiday's poison.

You know, there was
a moment when I was--

That moment's over.

Sir, we're here
to see Ruby.

Who wants to see Ruby?

She's coming in real hot,
Max.

Maybe this
isn't a good idea.

There's only one old
woman who scares me,

and his name
is Steven Tyler.

I'm Ruby.

Well...if it isn't

"Miss doesn't invite
people to stuff."

Who's also known as
Miss Very, Very Pretty.

I don't need someone
to tell me that I'm pretty.

That's what I told Roy Orbison

when he wrote "Pretty Woman
for me.

What do you little girls
want?

We're friends of Earl.

- Of Earl?
- You know, Earl.

From The Early Birds.

You know, the guy who put
this club on the map.

Oh, that Earl!

He's a bum!

Girl, you better
check yourself!

No one says anything bad
about my Earl.

Your Ear--Well, I prefer
not to go to jail

for murdering Earl's
girlfriend, but...

it's not that strong
a preference.

Here, hold my hoops!

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Max isn't Earl's girlfriend.

He's more like
a father-figure to her.

More like
a great-grandfather figure!

He's both!
Hold my hoops!

Everybody calm down,
take a beat.

A jazzy beat, of course.

I only have
two questions for you--

Why is she so upset?

And what the hell
is a jazzy beat?

I'm upset because I know
Earl helped build this club,

and he wasn't invited
to play your anniversary show.

That's right--
'cause he's a bum!

Hold my hoops again!

That no-good, two-timin'
musical genius

will never set foot
in my club while I'm alive.

Here, hold my hoops while
I unstrap the pistol on my shoe.

Ruby, come on,
can't you just let him play?

I mean, he's just a cashier
at a diner now.

What'd you just call him?

Earl is more than
just a cashier.

That is his job,
not what he is.

How dare you!

Yeah, how dare she!

both: Hold my hoops!

Hold your hoops!
I'm sorry.

He's not a cashier.
He's a musical genius.

Damn it.

I can't believe
that Earl would end up

in a dead-end job
as a cashier in a diner.

Well, I mean, it doesn't
have to be a dead-end.

He could get out anytime--

him and the other people
that work there.

All right, he can come.

But just make sure
he shows up and he is sober.

That man only has
two settings--

"high off his ass"
or "not in the room."

He'll be here.

Okay, I don't know
whose hoops are whose.

We got a real
"whose hoops" over here.

Isn't that exciting,
Earl?

You're playing
at the club!

I'm gonna go ahead
and call it a comeback.

And then I'm gonna go find
an outfit that I can take back.

So, Earl, obviously,
I'll be your date,

and obviously, we'll pretend
that we don't know Caroline.

I can't believe
that you girls went to see Ruby

and came back
with your hoops and hair.

But there's one problem:
I no longer own a saxophone.

How can you not
own a saxophone?

That's like me not
owning muh jugs.

I sold it
'cause I needed the money.

I had just kicked heroin,

and I was buying
a lotta cocaine.

But thanks, girls.
It would have been really nice.

Aw, Earl, that's too bad.

I was really excited
to see the show.

I think when we went to Ruby's,
I caught the jazz bug.

In my day, when you caught
the jazz bug, you had syphilis.

Obviously, we have to
get Earl a saxophone

so he can play
in the show.

Max, if you put this much
effort into our life,

we'd be off the cover of
"Never Made It" magazine.

We can't afford
a musical instrument.

Trust me, if there's anything
I know how to find,

it's cheap sax.

So, Earl, you're back in
your old stomping grounds.

How's it feel?

Should bring back
a lotta memories, huh?

It sure should!

There's my girl!

She and I used to have
a lot of great talks.

Earl, you played with
Ella Fitzgerald?

It's possible.

Or else I talked
to that picture.

I did a lot of drugs.

Whenever I think of Ella,
I just want to

* Scooby-doo-bop-bop,
squiddly dop-dop-bah *

Do that again, and I'm gonna
squiddly-da-bop you in the head.

I gotta admit,
I'm excited to play.

I got my mojo working

and my pacemaker
on cruise control.

I appreciate
all the trouble, girls.

Just don't forget us
when you make it big.

And we won't forget you
when we make it big.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Ahh! Well, well, well.

Earl with a couple of
18-year-old white girls.

It's the '60s all over again.

If it was the '60s,

you and I would be
in the coat closet

gettin' on the good foot
doin' the bad thing.

You look beautiful
as ever, Ruby.

Well, Earl,

I must say, you look...

Wiser?
Distinguished?

Mature
like a fine wine.

I was gonna say
less on heroin.

I haven't done smack
in 30 years.

I even quit Honey Smacks

'cause I thought
it might tempt me.

Ruby, just putting it
out there--

if you need someone
to warm up the crowd,

I was in my high school's
jazz choir.

I sang
"God Bless the Child."

[chuckles]
Well, God bless the children

that had to listen to that.

Well, it's gonna be
very interesting, Earl.

I don't think I ever
remember you playing sober.

You always said the junk
gave you the funk.

- I did?
- Mm-hmm.

Well,
that was clever.

You know what wasn't clever?

Leaving your underpants
on my sister's breakfast table.

Anyway, break a leg.
Or...a heart.

You're good at that.

I was good at a lot
of things with you, Ruby.

[lecherous giggle]

[chortling]

Girls,
I just realized...

I never played straight.

Excuse me, ladies.

I have to freshen up
in the men's room.

You don't think
"freshen up" means...

what I think
we both think it means.

No. Earl's been clean
for 30 years.

Plus, you don't just
go into the bathroom

of a jazz club where you did
heroin to find heroin.

I'll just go take a peek.

Earl's still in the bathroom.

You know what's not
in the bathroom?

Doors on the stalls.

Damn it! I forgot
I invited people.

Hey, girls, come on.

Admit it--
everyone hates jazz, right?

Well, I love it.

See? It's the worst!

I like going downtown.

I don't have to
tell you that.

Where's Han?

He's standing
right under me, isn't me?

Ooh! $15 a drink.

That's your whole night
in Secaucus!

Han, I can't take shots
and jazz

and your personality
at the same time.

Sophie, relax.
It'll be fine.

I'll buy you a drink first.

Hold my syringe
while I get my credit card.

Who are you, my mom?

Oh, Earl, how you doing?

Max, that's real
sweet of you

to score some dope for me,
but I'm gonna pass.

No. These are Sophie's
fertility drugs.

All this'll give you
is great breasts.

Still no.
If I had great breasts,

I'd never get out of bed.

Good evening.
My name is Ruby.

And in case you forget that,

it's written in neon
all over the place.

- You ready?
- Yep. Ready to leave.

- What?
- You heard Ruby.

I've never played
not high,

and I'm not about to
try it now.

Now, I know you're all here
for The Early Birds tonight,

so hang onto your hats
and hide your sisters.

[chuckling] And help me welcome
back to the stage

The Early Birds,
featuring Earl!

[applause]

Earl!

Oh, a-am I still here?

In my mind,
I was running so fast.

Earl...we're waiting for you.
[chuckles]

He's acting like the stage

wants him to commit
to a monogamous relationship.

You know what I'm talkin' about,
right, ladies?

Whoo-hoo!
Yeah, jazz is funny!

Boys, y'all know the drill.
Vamp! Vamp, boys, vamp.

[band begins set]

You gotta go up
and buy us some time

so I can convince Earl
to get up there.

Max, I don't know
if I could do that.

Should I go with
"God Bless the Child"

or "Lady Sings the Blues"?

Quit adding
white things to you.

You're already
the whitest person here.

Just go.

Hey, there,
you crazy cats.

Earl will be out
in a hot second.

How y'all doin'?

And-a one, and-a two,
and-a three...

martinis over on this table!

You know when someone else
says something stupid,

but you're embarrassed?

Earl, I thought
this would make you happy,

but if you don't wanna play,
we can just go.

- Then let's just go.
- Damn it, Earl!

Follow along, boys.

Just keep it bright
and breezy,

and "God Bless the Child."

(Barry)
Is this a joke?

[laughter]

I'm gonna have to shoot up
myself to get through this.

Sometimes when the crickets
start chirpin' down South

late on a summer's night...

Seriously--
is this a joke?

[laughter, murmuring]

I just have to
break into this song.

Oh, lord.

* Scooby-doo-bop-bop

* Squiddly dop-dop-bah

Somebody shoot me!

[laughter]

You know what, Max,
it turns out

I don't need junk
to get up there.

I just needed Caroline
to start singing.

Let's fly, Birds.

[snapping]
A-five, six, seven, eight.

[playing jazzy tune]

*

Thanks for warming
them up, darling.

On, Earl, I can stay
and sing--

We good.
Caroline Channing, folks.

[applause]

Everybody, thank you all
for coming out tonight.

Okay, a-one, two, three...

[playing "Comin' Home Baby"]

*

That is one cool cashier.

[Ruby chuckles]

*

Ha. He's still got it!

Yes, he does.

*

All I know is if that white
girl had started singin',

you were gonna have to
hold my hoops!

*

Wow, Earl's been napping
pretty much this whole time.

It was a big night for him.

He got back on the horse without
getting back on the horse.

But I'm pretty sure
he got back on Ruby.

I know he got back on her,
'cause I had to hold her hoops.

I hate to say this,

but I'm a little jealous
of Earl.

He got a chance to do
what he's best at again.

I'm beginning to think
I may never get that chance.

Aw, were you holding
on to hope?

Stop. You have time.
Earl's 80.

You're only, what,
like 50 now?

Max, I really wanted
to sing tonight.

Fine.

Earl, wake up.

Damn it.

Have I been living
on the subway again?

No. Caroline needs you
to play.

Oh, I don't think
I could sing on the subway.

"God Bless the Child"
in a G.

Caroline, you're not really
gonna sing the blues.

I mean, that music's about
suffering,

the pain
of losing everything.

How would a girl like you
know about that?

I lost $5 billion.

Key of G, you said.

'Scuse me--this girl's
going to sing for you right now.

We don't want money,
so don't throw things.

So everybody listen up.
Not you, sir.

I know you're busy
masturbating.

Ready?

*

* Them's that got
shall have *

Yeah.

*** *

* Them's that's not
shall lose *

Mm-hmm!

***- ***

- * So the bible said
- Yeah!

** * *

* And it still is news

** **

* Mama may have

***

* Papa may have

** *

- * But God bless the child
- ** **

- * That's got his own
- ** *

- * That's got his own
- ** *

Yeah...

All right, everybody
start throwing some money.

I didn't think
she was gonna be that good.

[cash register bell dings]