All language subtitles for 2.Broke.Girls.S05E08.And.the.Basketball.Jones.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DD5.1.x264-CasStudio_track3_[eng]

So, to be clear,

you want delivery
from this diner?

Yes, I do know
what delivery means.

Do you know what
E. coli means?

Where do you live?

If he eats from here,

in his bathroom
in about an hour.

Will you be needing napkins?
Utensils?

The number for
Poison Control?

Well, good luck.

The delivery boy
is on his way.

Oh, this is good.

I need the exercise.

I feel like I'm getting
a little chubby!

Oh, I know.

I can see it
through those shorts.

I was a delivery boy
in Vietnam.

I mostly delivered
bad news, like,

"That hooker was a dude."

Here's that tuna salad--
and hurry.

Like that astronaut
who drove across the country

in a diaper,
it's not gonna travel well.

See you later, haters.

And remember,

Earl's in charge when I'm gone.

Earl's in charge?

Okay.
I have a business degree.

He had all three types
of diabetes.

But I get it.

I'll be gone for...20.

[clears throat]

Speaking of 4:20,

Max, you wanna go
smoke some weed?

The man in charge
just sparked up a doobie.

But I get it.

And I'm about to get it.

[car horn honks]

[crash, glass shattering]

Oh, no.
Am I in charge forever?

Who the hell parked a Rascal
in a bike lane?

Uh...that's my bad.

It almost destroyed
my helmet!

I know.

I can see it
through those shorts.

(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

And this
is the sprinkle station.

Last stop
on the cupcake train.

And this is the cash register,
where there'll be money someday.

And this is Max,

the other half
of Max's Homemade Cupcakes.

Your little movie
is about to be rated R

for strong, brutal violence.

Stop filming me.

I'm not filming.

I'm Periscoping.

Isn't periscoping when
you do mouth stuff on a guy

while he keeps a lookout
for the cops?

Not all sex has to involve
the threat of an arrest, Max.

Periscope is a social media app

that streams live videos
to your followers.

Tell everyone in Brooklyn
who loves food festivals

that we'll be at the
Taste of Bushwick tomorrow.

Or you can follow me into
the bathroom while I change,

and they can see
some bushwick right now.

Max, this is great PR.

That's "public relations,"

not "Puerto Rican."

I know you were disappointed

when I took you
to that PR seminar

and there were no cock fights.

I liked the Internet
when the only thing you could do

was look at cat pictures

and find out how old
John Stamos is.

He turned 53 in August!

You know what's sad?

I'm too old to date him.

If Periscope
is such great PR,

how many viewers
did you just have?

One.

But maybe it was
a really important one.

Really loving your Periscope
presence, Caroline!

Okay. It's a small build.

I still maintain that
Periscoping will be great

for our business.

For the record,
I was filming my business

way before it was called
"Periscoping."

Hi, everybody!

Oleg, I picked up
your dry cleaning,

and good news!

They were able
to get the raspberry stains

out of your banana hammock!

Oh, Lord.

Now who's gonna
dry clean my mouth?

So you picked up my dry cleaning

instead of my cousin
from the airport?

Your cousin's in town?
That's weird.

I didn't get an alert
on my phone.

Sophie,
how could you forget?

This is why we started
doing sudoku.

I thought you
started doing sudoku

'cause she was hot
and willing.

I got a lot on my mind.

I'm trying to design
our future baby.

See, girls,
I read this article

that says you can spin sperm
to get rid of the bad stuff.

So Oleg's not gonna
be the father?

It's true.

There's a new technology

where you can select
the baby's genes.

I miss selecting jeans.

Now I just reach
into the $3 bin

and hope for the best.

Well, I'm gonna spin that jazz

till I get a girl baby
with green eyes

and Jennifer Aniston's
second nose

and--and my butt!

Why can't we get pregnant
the natural way?

Up against a fence.

Hello.

I'm Gortak.

You look familiar.

Didn't you rib a dragon
on "Game of Thrones"?

Gortak!

There's my little cousin.

Hi!

I think my iPhone case
is made out of gortak.

Hi, I'm Oleg's wife,
Sophie.

And you're one tall drink
of yak's milk.

You know it, baby.

And he's taking that tall
right to the bank.

Gortak just signed
to play pro basketball.

- [gasps]
- No way!

Basketball
is my favorite sport,

next to bum wrestling!

I'm in town for a game
against Brooklyn.

Brooklyn's my team.

They stink.

Yeah, well,

I relate to anybody
who's not doing that great.

Hey, I'm Max.

I used to shoot around
in juvi.

We played arsonists
versus attempted murderers.

I did a lot
of ribbon dancing.

Caroline's kind of
the Screech of the group.

And here comes
Mr. Belding.

Max, it's almost your shift.

Why haven't you changed
into your uniform?

It's almost spring.

Why haven't you changed
into a butterfly?

Han, this is
my cousin Gortak.

Gortak, this is...

[speaking Russian]

Jackass boss.

[speaking Russian]

Virgin.

[speaking Russian]

"Little People, Big World."

I didn't catch all of that,

but I didn't love
what I caught.

Oleg,
do you and your Sophie

want to come to the game
tomorrow night?

I have two tickets.

Oh, perfect timing.

As of yesterday,
I'm allowed

to be within 50 feet
of cheerleaders.

Yeah, no.
You know what?

I'm sorry.
I'm out.

You know, tonight I have to
genetically modify a person

while I watch "The Good Wife."

Take me, Oleg!

Which is the only time
you will ever hear me say that.

Good idea, Max.

Sophie would be pissed
if I took a lady.

But, Max,
what about our plans?

I don't want to taste
Bushwick alone.

Then don't have
more than three drinks...

And don't get in the back
of anybody's Isuzu.

*

You're pretty dressed up.

You know a food festival
is just code

for eating outside
next to garbage cans.

Maybe I should come.

Well, I say,
"Dress for the job you want."

I would, but I don't know
what the people

who test out all the new
potato chip flavors wear.

[knock on door]

Cheeseburger Pringles?

Yes.

Hey, girls!

Look at my baby board!

Yeah.

I feel like we're finally
getting close

to something I can work with.

You know,
it really started to flow

once I threw away
the Anne Hathaway forehead.

That is the scariest thing
I've ever seen.

Oh, well, good thing
you didn't see it

with the Hathaway forehead.

I love baby number two,
but I don't know.

Oleg still wants
to be surprised.

Why don't you give us all
a nice surprise

and brush his teeth
while he's sleeping?

[laughing]

Right?

Yes.

Oh, right.
Here.

Max, Oleg can't go
to the game.

Our baby appointment
got changed to tomorrow,

and we got to get working
on the baby body.

Oh, you know what?

That reminds me.

Max, do you have
a picture of your boobs?

Oh, you know what?

I'll get it from Oleg.

I can't believe
I have two tickets!

Ooh, I'm gonna call Earl.

It'd be fun to go with a friend.

Would it hurt you to ask me
to go to the game?

You know I'm not gonna say yes.

Do you want to go to the game?

Yes!

Wow, that surprised me too.

These are VIP tickets
from an actual player.

This could be better
than Bushwick.

I mean, lots of celebrities
go to those games.

[gasps]

Ooh!
Where are the fliers?

I bet we could get
a lot of business there.

No!

We are not doing business!

Tonight
is supposed to be fun.

Well, I find business fun,
but okay.

One day, you will
appreciate my ambition.

And one day,
I will try lettuce,

but not tonight.

No fliers.

No fliers.

No fliers.

I just think
this is a missed opportunity.

"Missed Opportunity"

was my stripper name
at the Salty Dog.

Look, I don't want
to work tonight.

Which also happened
to be my catchphrase.

[crowd roaring]

[upbeat music]

*

These can't be
VIP seats.

I haven't been this winded
since I climbed

the social ladder
at theater camp.

These seats are great!

I usually sit
in the parking lot

around a trash fire,
singing doo-wop.

It's just, I've never sat
in the last row before.

My father made sure
I was always in the front.

Broadway,
fashion week,

his criminal trial.

My father got me
front-row seats

to the "Inability to Love"
awards.

I'll try and let this go,
but I'm just saying,

we could have gone
to the Taste of Bushwick,

and we'd still
be closer to the court.

Oh, I love the taste
of Bushwick.

I don't care for it much.

Hi, I'm June,
and this is Dianne.

We're sort of the "mayors"
of section Y.

Been to every game.

I'm Max.
This is Caroline.

You guys want a finger?

Oh, we're just friends.

Do you want a finger?

Sure.

We'll take one
if you got an extra.

And how 'bout
that hot dog?

You still working on that?

Max, you don't know
where that finger has been.

What do you mean?

It's been in a box
in my car.

Yeah, Caroline.

This finger's been in her box
out in the car.

What part of that
don't you get?

Careful.

That beer cost more than
I spent on underwear last year.

I don't like it up here.

I don't even like beer.

It's so bloaty.

Come on.
It's not that bad.

Oh, really?

Then why is that guy
shaving?

Well, obviously, he's got
a very important job interview

as conductor
of the crazy train.

Max, our seats
are in a shanty town.

I think somebody tried
to sell me a hubcap

on the way up the stairs.

Ooh! How much?

Can I borrow
those binoculars,

so I can look at something
that's not this?

[buzzer blares]

Max!
Oh, my God!

Look at all the VIPs
down there.

Well, someone's "VI-peeing"
right over there.

Max, I want
to be down there.

Oh, I know what you need.

Wanna finger?

Look!

A rich couple
fighting courtside!

Oh, he's storming off!

She's storming off!

You should do
play-by-play

on the "I Don't Care"
network.

Come on!
Let's go steal their seats.

What?

I like where I am.

My ears already popped.

We're settled here.

That's the difference
between us, Max.

I don't settle...

until I'm, like, 42,

and then I might have to
marry someone shorter than me.

I, on the other hand,
love settling.

My first words were,
"Eh, it's fine."

Look, all we have to do

is make a few smart,
strategic moves,

and a better
opportunity awaits.

Please?

All right.
Sorry, ladies.

She wants me
to go down with her.

Just tell her
you got a headache.

*

[shoes squeaking]

Okay, just act like we belong
in the VIP section.

[loudly]
I can't believe the limo driver

took that wrong turn,

and that's why we're
late to the game,

and thus, our seats.

You forgot to mention

that we took
thus bus here.

The point is,
we made it.

I am back where I belong.

Can you just smell
the money down here?

I think that's Gortak's
ball sweat.

Hello, ladies

who magically appeared
in the second quarter.

Can I see
your tickets?

Oh!

What?

These are my tickets
to most places.

Our tickets?
Of course.

Let me just find them
in here.

[buzzer blares]

Here they are!

Oh, sorry
about the popcorn.

I'm used to it.

You rich people
are pigs.

Max, I haven't been called
a rich pig in five years!

[buzzer blares]

This is pretty cool!

I told that
Chinese lady up top

with the backpack
full of loose carrots

I'd be back,
but I don't think so.

Oh, my God.

I should totally
Periscope this

so people think
we're big shots.

We are so close,

I could get my nose
broken by a ball!

And I could meet the doctor
who fixes your broken nose!

Everything is working out!

Oh, my God.

We are in the same row
as Jay-Z and BeyoncГ©!

[gasps]

And they brought
Blue Ivy!

I can't believe I'm seeing
our royal family!

I can't believe I'm touching
the court with my feet!

Maybe I should just drag
my butt across it like a dog.

Is that too far?

[gasps]
Oh, my God!

BeyoncГ© just made
eye contact with me!

She sees me every time
she looks to the left,

to the left.

I should get them
one of our fliers.

Luckily, I always keep
an emergency flier.

That and a key
to my old house,

in case this all
turns out to be a dream.

That's my dream too.

Ooh!
Here comes the nanny.

[gasps]
Fran Drescher's here?

No, Blue Ivy's nanny.

I'll get her our flier.

Excuse me, miss,
in the drop-crotch sweatpants!

(Max)
Go, go, go! Ten seconds!

Wait! Miss, wait!

Can you take this?

- Max, she took the--
- Go, go, go!

- Oh!
- Ooh!

[whistle blasts]

[buzzer blares]

Max, what did you do?

I took you to a basketball game
like an idiot!

And now I'm about to run.

*

*

What is our end game
here, Max?

Are we hiding?
Are we fleeing?

I just want to know what
we're ugly-walking toward.

Do I look like a person
with an end game?

Also, ya ended the game.

Angry mob aside,
the good news is

I did manage to get that flier
to Blue Ivy's people.

The bad news is you created
the biggest disaster in sports

since Magic Johnson's talk show.

[indistinct radio chatter]

Someone's coming.

Well, you said you wanted
more followers.

Now you have them
in real life!

[Max gasps]

Oh, my God.

This is where the 17th best team
in the league gets naked!

And also where it ends
for ol' Max and Caroline.

What?
It's not like the players

come right into the locker room
after the game.

Oh, my God.

The players come right into
the locker room after the game!

Of course we'd be in here.

This is so us.

You know what else is so us?

Me stealing
one of these jerseys.

Let's do the interview
in the locker rooms.

Crap!
They're coming in here.

We can't be
the face of this, Max.

We'll be the most hated
business in Brooklyn.

And I'm including
the new breakfast restaurant

with the valet stroller parking.

[Max gasps]

This is where the 17th
best team in the league

goes number one!

And from the looks of it,

their aim isn't good
in here, either.

Those girls were crazy, man.

They cost us the game.

We were almost the 16th
best team in the league.

How did they get
into the VIP section?

I was wondering the same thing
about Tim Allen.

Yo, man, take a look
at this thing on my back.

Does it look like cancer?

It just seemed like
more than a mole, you know?

Actually, it looks like
a precancerous basal cell.

We should get a better look
in the light in the bathroom.

Here!
Over here.

Get in the ice bathtub.

It's big enough for two.

"Big enough for two."

That's what Chili's said
about their new

coconut mozzarella sticks,
but--swing and a miss.

You went to Chili's
and didn't tell me?

I was afraid you'd try
to get us a better table.

Oh, yeah.

I'd definitely get
that thing checked out.

Yo, I got to ice
this knee.

[both screaming]

[both panting]

Of course they'd
pour the ice on us!

And of course
this would happen here,

'cause it's the 17th worst thing
that's ever happened to me!

*

[both coughing]

Oh, you two sick?

Stay away from me.
I can't get sick.

When you're 78,
it takes about 2 days

to go from sniffles
to being eaten by your cat.

We'll be fine...

if half a Tylenol can cure
full-body hypothermia.

Max, I feel like
you're still mad at me

for wanting more for us
than bad seats

and a struggling business.

Of course I'm mad!

I haven't been this cold

since that winter I was on
"Deadliest Catch."

Well...

I've got a waste can
of baby faces I'm not gonna use.

Yeah.

Turns out, we're not
gonna design our baby anymore.

But what about wanting it
to have a delicate chin?

And a thigh gap?

You know, girls,
I realized

I just want to have
a healthy, happy baby.

You know, it's like
my Aunt Ruffa said

after she lost her tongue,
you know...

"Dou det what dou det,
and dou don't det updet."

You know, which roughly
translates to,

"You get what you get,
and you don't get upset."

That's a really mature decision.

The doctor wanted 60 grand.

Yeah,
that affected our decision too.

Well, maybe letting things
happen naturally

is the way to go.

Because sometimes
when you force things,

you put $130 million worth
of basketball players

on the disabled list.

*

[upbeat music]

*