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1
00:00:02,136 --> 00:00:03,771
Hold up!
Nobody leave.
2
00:00:03,804 --> 00:00:07,241
Someone,
and I'm not naming Max,
3
00:00:07,275 --> 00:00:09,477
has been stealing
from the diner.
4
00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:13,247
Well, the diner
has been stealing from me.
5
00:00:13,281 --> 00:00:17,118
Youth, energy, will to live.
6
00:00:17,151 --> 00:00:19,787
So new policy:
before any employee leaves,
7
00:00:19,820 --> 00:00:21,222
there will be a pat-down.
8
00:00:21,255 --> 00:00:25,793
I tried to start that policy
years ago.
9
00:00:25,826 --> 00:00:27,161
Seriously, Han?
10
00:00:27,195 --> 00:00:28,362
Is that really how
you want to get
11
00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:31,665
to second base
for the first time?
12
00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:34,135
It's not ideal, no.
13
00:00:34,168 --> 00:00:35,436
Max, you're first.
14
00:00:35,469 --> 00:00:36,437
Fine.
15
00:00:36,470 --> 00:00:39,173
Feel me up,
Low-bo-cop.
16
00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:47,281
What's this?
17
00:00:47,315 --> 00:00:49,417
It's a boob, sad man.
18
00:00:51,419 --> 00:00:55,256
This, however,
is bologna.
19
00:00:55,289 --> 00:00:57,591
Shame on you!
That's tomorrow's salmon.
20
00:01:02,696 --> 00:01:04,165
While we're coming clean,
21
00:01:04,198 --> 00:01:07,201
I stole your identity
three years ago.
22
00:01:07,235 --> 00:01:09,170
It's over now,
but I was caught up
23
00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:13,307
in a kind of
Jason Bourne situation.
24
00:01:13,341 --> 00:01:15,609
Caroline,
I'm coming to you next.
25
00:01:15,643 --> 00:01:17,145
And I thought this uniform
26
00:01:17,178 --> 00:01:20,548
would be the worst thing
touching my body today.
27
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:23,451
Quick reminder:
I'm a human being.
28
00:01:31,192 --> 00:01:34,462
Caroline,
literally slow your roll.
29
00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:37,898
Well, if you're gonna
hit bottom,
30
00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:39,667
you better have something
to wipe it with.
31
00:01:40,901 --> 00:01:42,203
Earl--
32
00:01:42,236 --> 00:01:44,138
Now, I know you are not
33
00:01:44,172 --> 00:01:48,476
about to accuse a black man
of stealing...
34
00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:52,180
in this current
political climate.
35
00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:53,547
No, of course not.
36
00:01:53,581 --> 00:01:57,185
I was just going to wish you
a wonderful evening.
37
00:01:57,218 --> 00:01:58,752
Here, Max.
38
00:01:58,786 --> 00:02:00,254
You can have my bologna.
39
00:02:02,590 --> 00:02:04,792
(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
40
00:02:04,825 --> 00:02:06,427
[cash register bell dings]
41
00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:11,699
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
42
00:02:17,938 --> 00:02:19,873
(man)
And I just--
43
00:02:19,907 --> 00:02:21,609
I think I love you.
44
00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:23,744
[can hissing]
45
00:02:23,777 --> 00:02:25,613
(woman)
I love you too.
46
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:27,581
Uh, Caroline?
47
00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:33,387
Oh, good.
48
00:02:33,421 --> 00:02:36,190
You brought someone else
with you to see that.
49
00:02:36,224 --> 00:02:38,292
Owen, Caroline.
Caroline, Owen.
50
00:02:38,326 --> 00:02:41,262
Owen, bedroom.
Caroline, later.
51
00:02:41,295 --> 00:02:42,963
Owen, nice to meet you.
52
00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:45,733
Do I detect
a Philadelphia accent?
53
00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:48,736
I haven't
said anything yet.
54
00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:52,873
But I gotta tell you, you really
took the cool out of Cool Whip.
55
00:02:52,906 --> 00:02:54,442
Let's go in my room.
56
00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:56,710
Oh, actually, Max,
it's, uh--it's kinda late.
57
00:02:56,744 --> 00:02:58,979
I gotta be at work early.
58
00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:01,449
But I had a good time.
Good night.
59
00:03:01,482 --> 00:03:03,451
I'll call you tomorrow.
We'll do something.
60
00:03:07,488 --> 00:03:08,622
Oh...
61
00:03:08,656 --> 00:03:10,658
my...
62
00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:12,260
God.
63
00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:15,796
It finally happened.
64
00:03:15,829 --> 00:03:19,333
Someone doesn't want
to have sex with me!
65
00:03:20,668 --> 00:03:23,837
He said he gotta
be at work early.
66
00:03:23,871 --> 00:03:25,573
Isn't that weird?
67
00:03:25,606 --> 00:03:27,341
That you're dating a guy
with a job?
68
00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:29,710
Yeah, that is weird.
69
00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:31,945
Max, maybe you finally
met a guy
70
00:03:31,979 --> 00:03:33,347
who wants
to get to know you
71
00:03:33,381 --> 00:03:35,716
before he jumps into bed
with you.
72
00:03:35,749 --> 00:03:38,252
Maybe Owen's the one.
73
00:03:38,286 --> 00:03:41,989
The one that won't
have sex with me!
74
00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:44,258
So what happens around here
75
00:03:44,292 --> 00:03:48,496
when nothing happens
around here?
76
00:03:48,529 --> 00:03:51,999
Well, when that's
not happening,
77
00:03:52,032 --> 00:03:54,735
cheesecake is
a fun alternative.
78
00:03:54,768 --> 00:03:56,504
I stole one from the diner
'cause I thought
79
00:03:56,537 --> 00:03:59,039
you wouldn't be home
and I'd be sad.
80
00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:01,709
You hide that
between your legs too?
81
00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:05,313
[knock at door]
82
00:04:05,346 --> 00:04:06,614
(Sophie)
Open up!
83
00:04:06,647 --> 00:04:09,450
I smell cheesecake!
84
00:04:09,483 --> 00:04:11,585
Oh.
And you know...
85
00:04:13,721 --> 00:04:16,657
And you know
what that smells like.
86
00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:17,791
Girl talk.
87
00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:20,494
Girl talk?
88
00:04:20,528 --> 00:04:23,764
All right, but if we lez out,
nobody catch feelings.
89
00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:26,700
Eh, I'm just talking
about a little chick-ity chat.
90
00:04:26,734 --> 00:04:29,303
You know,
friends sharing with friends
91
00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:31,372
in a completely safe
environment.
92
00:04:31,405 --> 00:04:33,641
Well, I've been having
this recurring dream--
93
00:04:33,674 --> 00:04:37,077
Yeah, well,
you'll have it again.
94
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:39,747
Let's talk about me.
95
00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:43,751
Girls, Oleg and I
have been having a lot of sex.
96
00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:46,454
You know, standing up,
sitting down,
97
00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:49,723
on a elevator,
on a escalator.
98
00:04:49,757 --> 00:04:51,659
Oh, yeah.
99
00:04:51,692 --> 00:04:55,929
Going down and up
at the same time.
100
00:04:55,963 --> 00:05:00,568
All of that unprotected sex,
and still no baby.
101
00:05:00,601 --> 00:05:03,937
Did you just
come here to brag?
102
00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,539
You know, Sophie,
103
00:05:05,573 --> 00:05:08,442
sometimes when people
have trouble getting pregnant,
104
00:05:08,476 --> 00:05:09,910
they see a doctor.
105
00:05:17,618 --> 00:05:19,620
Sophie, where did you go?
106
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:23,524
I looked up from the harness,
and you were gone.
107
00:05:23,557 --> 00:05:26,927
Well, Caroline thinks
one of us...
108
00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:30,764
Mmm.
109
00:05:30,798 --> 00:05:33,066
And she's not pointing fingers
at anyone,
110
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:35,503
but one of us...
111
00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:39,540
you know, may need
to get the sperm tested.
112
00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:42,142
All right, but I've been known
to miss the cup.
113
00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:45,946
*
114
00:05:45,979 --> 00:05:47,448
All right, Earl.
115
00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:48,982
After last night's date,
I need a rebound.
116
00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:51,852
I'm ready for you to set me up
with your friend.
117
00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:53,621
He's dead.
118
00:05:54,888 --> 00:05:56,457
I didn't say which friend.
119
00:05:56,490 --> 00:05:58,492
They're all dead, Max.
120
00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:01,729
Jeez, one guy doesn't want
to sleep with you,
121
00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:03,964
and you're sweatin'
to the oldies?
122
00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:08,135
Flowers?
123
00:06:08,168 --> 00:06:10,504
Oh, no!
Am I dead too?
124
00:06:13,173 --> 00:06:14,475
I'm looking for Max.
125
00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:15,909
She said she doesn't work here.
126
00:06:17,911 --> 00:06:19,046
What is he doing here?
127
00:06:19,079 --> 00:06:20,481
It's so awkward
seeing a guy
128
00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:22,716
the day after
he doesn't see you naked.
129
00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:25,052
Hey.
130
00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:26,654
These are for you.
131
00:06:26,687 --> 00:06:27,455
Flowers?
132
00:06:27,488 --> 00:06:29,623
For future reference,
I'm more of a
133
00:06:29,657 --> 00:06:32,626
"Mickey's Malt Liquor"
kind of girl.
134
00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:34,562
Hey, can we talk
over there in that booth?
135
00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:37,498
It depends.
How's your immune system?
136
00:06:37,531 --> 00:06:39,600
Caroline, cover my tables.
137
00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:41,702
First I'll put these
in some diner water.
138
00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:45,973
I hope these flowers like
little floating meat bits.
139
00:06:46,006 --> 00:06:48,041
So...you take me to dinner,
140
00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:49,176
treat me like a lady,
141
00:06:49,209 --> 00:06:50,544
and bring me flowers.
142
00:06:50,578 --> 00:06:54,147
What kind of sick stuff
are you into?
143
00:06:54,181 --> 00:06:55,983
Max, I like you a lot.
144
00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:59,553
Then why aren't you
laying on top of me somewhere?
145
00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:02,189
Look, I want us
to get to know each other
146
00:07:02,222 --> 00:07:03,657
before we have sex
147
00:07:03,691 --> 00:07:05,058
to be able to trust
each other,
148
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:06,594
keep each other's secrets.
149
00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:09,597
Fine; just tell me your
safe word, and let's go.
150
00:07:11,565 --> 00:07:15,002
Mine is "pot sticker."
151
00:07:15,035 --> 00:07:16,704
I'm serious,
152
00:07:16,737 --> 00:07:18,606
'cause when we do have sex,
you're gonna find out
153
00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:20,541
that I'm not...
154
00:07:20,574 --> 00:07:23,677
well, I'm not regular
down there.
155
00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:30,751
Um..."not regular"?
156
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:39,560
So does it look
something like...
157
00:07:44,264 --> 00:07:45,933
This?
158
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,069
No. And bigger.
159
00:07:50,938 --> 00:07:53,774
Uh, so something like...
160
00:07:55,843 --> 00:07:56,810
This?
161
00:07:56,844 --> 00:07:59,713
No, it doesn't
have a face.
162
00:07:59,747 --> 00:08:01,849
Max, something's wrong
in the kitchen.
163
00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:03,517
Not here.
Nothing's wrong here.
164
00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:05,052
Just come with me.
165
00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:08,789
Uh, well, can I
see you tomorrow?
166
00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,591
Sure,
but at least be late.
167
00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:12,492
Give me something
to work with.
168
00:08:13,561 --> 00:08:14,828
I heard what he said.
169
00:08:14,862 --> 00:08:17,197
What the heck does
"not regular down there" mean?
170
00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:19,600
I don't know.
171
00:08:20,768 --> 00:08:25,505
All I know is,
it doesn't mean this.
172
00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:27,941
It could be anything.
173
00:08:27,975 --> 00:08:31,144
In Moscow, I saw this
amazing penis freak show,
174
00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:33,881
"Ripleyvitch
Believe It or Nyet."
175
00:08:36,717 --> 00:08:39,620
I'm not over it "nyet."
176
00:08:39,653 --> 00:08:42,089
So you're really gonna
go out with Owen again?
177
00:08:42,122 --> 00:08:45,593
I mean, you're playing
penis roulette down there.
178
00:08:45,626 --> 00:08:47,895
It could be gnarly
or wonky or...
179
00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:50,097
truly haunting.
180
00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:51,932
You're right.
181
00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:53,901
I gotta see it!
182
00:08:53,934 --> 00:08:55,703
*
183
00:08:59,773 --> 00:09:00,941
Okay, tell me again.
184
00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:02,275
Talk to my like
I'm a 10-year-old...
185
00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:04,778
with overdeveloped boobs.
186
00:09:04,812 --> 00:09:05,913
It's simple.
187
00:09:05,946 --> 00:09:07,114
Owen just wants
to get to know you
188
00:09:07,147 --> 00:09:08,315
before he has sex with you.
189
00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:10,784
That is sick!
I'm ten.
190
00:09:10,818 --> 00:09:12,920
Here.
Let's practice.
191
00:09:12,953 --> 00:09:15,589
Pretend I'm Owen,
and ask me something.
192
00:09:15,623 --> 00:09:18,726
So, Owen, when you gonna
take "dem" pants off?
193
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,229
Hi, girls.
194
00:09:22,262 --> 00:09:23,997
Do you think anyone
would notice
195
00:09:24,031 --> 00:09:25,232
if you closed your shop
196
00:09:25,265 --> 00:09:27,334
and we had a girls' day
tomorrow?
197
00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:29,169
Where we going
tomorrow, Sophie?
198
00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:32,172
Say Coney Island,
say Coney Island.
199
00:09:32,205 --> 00:09:35,809
We're going
to a gynecologist!
200
00:09:35,843 --> 00:09:38,979
Yeah, see, Oleg said that
he'd get himself checked out,
201
00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:40,347
so, to be a team player,
202
00:09:40,380 --> 00:09:44,384
I'm gonna let a doctor
poke around my front bottom.
203
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,787
Well, obviously
I'm honored,
204
00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:49,957
but that's gonna be
a hard "no" from me.
205
00:09:49,990 --> 00:09:51,091
Oh, girls!
206
00:09:51,124 --> 00:09:52,793
I don't want to go alone.
207
00:09:52,826 --> 00:09:54,695
I'm scared!
208
00:09:54,728 --> 00:09:57,364
You know, in Poland,
our doctor was also the butcher,
209
00:09:57,397 --> 00:09:59,232
you know, because he
already had the white coat
210
00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:01,735
and the metal draining table.
211
00:10:01,769 --> 00:10:03,971
I mean, you try
sharing a waiting room
212
00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:06,106
with a bunch of nervous sheep.
213
00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:07,875
[bleating]
Baaah!
214
00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:10,143
Baaaah!
215
00:10:10,177 --> 00:10:12,112
Sheep flashbacks?
216
00:10:12,145 --> 00:10:14,648
I am obviously in.
217
00:10:14,682 --> 00:10:15,849
Buh-bye.
218
00:10:15,883 --> 00:10:17,384
*
219
00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:18,952
This is the part
where the sheep
220
00:10:18,986 --> 00:10:21,254
really started to freak out.
221
00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:24,124
[bleating]
Baaah!
222
00:10:24,157 --> 00:10:26,159
Sophie, just relax,
223
00:10:26,193 --> 00:10:28,161
and maybe change
into this paper gown
224
00:10:28,195 --> 00:10:29,863
so the doctor can have
better access.
225
00:10:29,897 --> 00:10:30,998
And as I'm saying this,
226
00:10:31,031 --> 00:10:33,867
I really wonder
what I am doing here.
227
00:10:33,901 --> 00:10:36,169
Well, I don't need a gown.
228
00:10:36,203 --> 00:10:39,172
I ripped the middle
right out of my Spanx.
229
00:10:39,206 --> 00:10:40,908
[phone chimes]
230
00:10:40,941 --> 00:10:42,109
It's Owen.
231
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:43,410
"How about dinner tonight?
232
00:10:43,443 --> 00:10:46,246
Italian, sushi, whatever
you're in the mood for."
233
00:10:46,279 --> 00:10:47,881
I'm in the mood
for a little...
234
00:10:47,915 --> 00:10:50,718
[mimics bed squeaking]
235
00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:52,419
Max, why don't you
invite him over?
236
00:10:52,452 --> 00:10:54,021
You can make him
a romantic dinner,
237
00:10:54,054 --> 00:10:55,155
and then you can watch
238
00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:58,258
"American Horror Story:
Penis Edition."
239
00:10:59,426 --> 00:11:02,830
Miss Kuchenski,
I'm Dr. Surden.
240
00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:05,132
[bleating]
Baaah!
241
00:11:08,268 --> 00:11:10,771
Miss Kuchenski,
why aren't you wearing a gown,
242
00:11:10,804 --> 00:11:14,307
and why are you
clenching your knees?
243
00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:17,911
Oh, no.
244
00:11:17,945 --> 00:11:21,148
I got the lock legs.
245
00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:24,084
Hang on;
I got an idea.
246
00:11:24,117 --> 00:11:27,087
[laughing]
247
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,922
That tickles!
248
00:11:28,956 --> 00:11:30,190
Make your move now, Doc!
249
00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:31,959
That tickles!
250
00:11:31,992 --> 00:11:34,327
Baaah!
251
00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:36,997
Uh, m-m-maybe
I'll have the nurse
252
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:38,398
bring something to relax you.
253
00:11:38,431 --> 00:11:41,301
I'll take a water
if we're getting stuff.
254
00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:47,007
I got to get out of here.
255
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:50,043
But, Sophie, he hasn't even
examined you yet.
256
00:11:50,077 --> 00:11:51,211
What's going on?
257
00:11:51,244 --> 00:11:53,914
You're acting odd-er
than usual.
258
00:11:53,947 --> 00:11:58,218
Well, what if Oleg and I
can't have a baby
259
00:11:58,251 --> 00:12:01,521
because there's
something wrong with me?
260
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:06,259
I mean, what if it's not
Oleg's swimmers?
261
00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:09,262
What if it's my pool?
262
00:12:11,264 --> 00:12:14,968
I mean, that would be so...
263
00:12:15,002 --> 00:12:17,037
[bleating]
sad.
264
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,873
*
265
00:12:19,907 --> 00:12:22,175
Here's how I want things
to unfold.
266
00:12:22,209 --> 00:12:24,812
Do you think his thing
will unfold?
267
00:12:26,446 --> 00:12:29,249
Like Beetlejuice?
268
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:32,519
Do you think you can handle
getting to know him?
269
00:12:32,552 --> 00:12:34,187
I'm getting really upset.
270
00:12:34,221 --> 00:12:36,189
Hey, I have
questions prepared.
271
00:12:36,223 --> 00:12:37,490
I'll be fine.
272
00:12:37,524 --> 00:12:39,092
You're the one who has to
sit at Starbucks
273
00:12:39,126 --> 00:12:41,394
and listen to homeless Barb
pitch her screenplay
274
00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:43,296
for the next three hours.
275
00:12:43,330 --> 00:12:44,798
Uh, careful.
276
00:12:44,832 --> 00:12:47,300
I've got a producer
credit on that.
277
00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:48,468
[knock on door]
278
00:12:48,501 --> 00:12:50,337
Max, your package is here.
279
00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:54,074
Hey.
280
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,542
Hope you like white wine.
281
00:12:55,575 --> 00:12:57,410
Of course.
I live with her.
282
00:12:58,946 --> 00:13:00,080
And "her" is leaving.
283
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:01,414
Nice to see you,
Owen.
284
00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:03,450
You two have a great time
getting to know each other.
285
00:13:03,483 --> 00:13:04,952
Don't let this one
talk your ear off.
286
00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:06,987
She's the type of girl
that just loves to talk.
287
00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:11,158
You look beautiful.
288
00:13:11,191 --> 00:13:12,893
You went to all this trouble.
289
00:13:12,926 --> 00:13:14,962
I did.
Thank you.
290
00:13:14,995 --> 00:13:16,964
And you look...
291
00:13:16,997 --> 00:13:19,399
man-beautiful.
292
00:13:19,432 --> 00:13:23,136
Shall we sit
and get to know each other?
293
00:13:23,170 --> 00:13:26,173
Like, for instance,
294
00:13:26,206 --> 00:13:27,908
"Your wife's
work friend Gary
295
00:13:27,941 --> 00:13:29,442
"invites her away
on a business trip
296
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,044
"where they'd be
sharing one room.
297
00:13:31,078 --> 00:13:32,212
Do you, A--"
298
00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:33,380
- Max.
- I know.
299
00:13:33,413 --> 00:13:35,482
Obviously, she bones him.
300
00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:41,188
When I said
"get to know each other,"
301
00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:43,056
I wasn't thinking
"Scruples."
302
00:13:43,090 --> 00:13:46,126
I'm more of a "Hungry
Hungry Hippos" guy.
303
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:48,161
I wish I could afford
"Scruples."
304
00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:50,063
This is "Scrumples."
305
00:13:51,431 --> 00:13:52,933
Look, I don't know
how to do this.
306
00:13:52,966 --> 00:13:54,101
I feel stupid.
307
00:13:54,134 --> 00:13:55,335
You may feel stupid,
308
00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:57,204
but you look really cute
right now.
309
00:13:57,237 --> 00:13:58,939
I do?
310
00:13:58,972 --> 00:14:00,107
How cute do I look?
311
00:14:00,140 --> 00:14:02,575
A, super very a lot.
312
00:14:02,609 --> 00:14:03,944
B--
313
00:14:03,977 --> 00:14:05,946
Oh, it's A.
314
00:14:05,979 --> 00:14:08,415
Seriously, have you never
gotten to know anybody ever?
315
00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:11,218
I...don't know.
316
00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:12,519
How do people
get to know each other?
317
00:14:12,552 --> 00:14:15,655
I mean, what
do you want to know?
318
00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:17,490
We didn't have
any money growing up.
319
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:19,259
My mom was an alcoholic.
320
00:14:19,292 --> 00:14:21,261
My father was...
321
00:14:21,294 --> 00:14:26,433
not able to be located
by Maury Povich.
322
00:14:26,466 --> 00:14:28,368
We moved a lot because
323
00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:31,338
the parking brake
on our house didn't work.
324
00:14:33,406 --> 00:14:35,175
So now you know me.
325
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:37,577
I guess you'll be leaving.
326
00:14:44,551 --> 00:14:48,555
Was that an
A, kiss good-bye?
327
00:14:50,123 --> 00:14:52,659
That's for being cute
and for sharing that.
328
00:14:54,161 --> 00:14:57,931
I definitely think
we should skip dinner--
329
00:14:57,965 --> 00:14:59,466
blow this out 'cause
I worry about fire;
330
00:14:59,499 --> 00:15:02,402
that's something about me--
331
00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:05,438
and go straight
to dessert.
332
00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:10,978
Is it weird that
I want to talk now?
333
00:15:13,180 --> 00:15:14,547
[belt buckle jingles, fly zips]
334
00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:16,049
(Owen)
Oh, wow.
335
00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:18,051
Going right for it, huh?
336
00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:19,219
(Max)
Wow.
337
00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:21,688
Never would've drawn that.
338
00:15:21,721 --> 00:15:23,190
*
339
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:28,962
I can't believe
you won't tell me
340
00:15:28,996 --> 00:15:31,731
what's not regular about
Owen's "down there."
341
00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:34,067
I tell you everything.
342
00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:36,569
Fine.
343
00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:38,305
Meet me at the first
coleslaw tub.
344
00:15:38,338 --> 00:15:39,439
Come alone.
345
00:15:41,641 --> 00:15:42,976
- Get out.
- But I'm cooking.
346
00:15:43,010 --> 00:15:44,744
Get out.
347
00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:47,214
Fine.
This is garbage anyway.
348
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:51,751
Okay, okay.
Tell me.
349
00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:53,120
All right.
350
00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:55,088
Remember on "Full House,"
351
00:15:55,122 --> 00:15:57,690
when you thought
there was one Michelle,
352
00:15:57,724 --> 00:16:01,361
but there were actually
two Michelles...
353
00:16:03,496 --> 00:16:04,297
Why are you bringing up
354
00:16:04,331 --> 00:16:07,500
one of the craziest
days of my life?
355
00:16:07,534 --> 00:16:09,602
He has two.
356
00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:11,171
Two what?
357
00:16:11,204 --> 00:16:12,339
Owen has two penises!
358
00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:14,507
Why is it so hard
to understand?
359
00:16:17,244 --> 00:16:19,312
Is that a thing
that can happen?
360
00:16:19,346 --> 00:16:20,780
Yes.
It's called diphallia.
361
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:22,549
I just Googled it.
362
00:16:26,253 --> 00:16:28,255
It's a medical condition
in which a male
363
00:16:28,288 --> 00:16:30,223
is born with two penises.
364
00:16:30,257 --> 00:16:33,993
The only case in which
two dongs make a right.
365
00:16:36,263 --> 00:16:39,532
Oleg, this was
supposed to be private.
366
00:16:39,566 --> 00:16:42,202
I think you mean
"privates."
367
00:16:43,736 --> 00:16:45,538
What's the ball count?
368
00:16:49,576 --> 00:16:51,178
Oleg,
stop Googling!
369
00:16:51,211 --> 00:16:52,479
I'm not Googling.
370
00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:54,181
Now I'm on the phone
with Sophie.
371
00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:56,183
(Sophie)
Who has two penises?
372
00:16:57,684 --> 00:16:59,119
Max's boyfriend.
373
00:16:59,152 --> 00:17:00,720
What's going on back here?
374
00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:03,623
(Sophie)
Max's boyfriend
has two penises!
375
00:17:03,656 --> 00:17:05,692
Okay! Okay!
That's it.
376
00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:07,794
No more talk
about Owen's penis
377
00:17:07,827 --> 00:17:11,331
or his other penis.
378
00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:13,766
Well, Max, I guess
he's not the one...
379
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:16,169
'cause he's the two.
380
00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:20,373
Actually,
I really like him,
381
00:17:20,407 --> 00:17:23,276
and not just because
I can cheat on him with him.
382
00:17:24,777 --> 00:17:26,413
Max, you can't be serious.
383
00:17:26,446 --> 00:17:28,815
Hey, everyone has
something wrong with them.
384
00:17:28,848 --> 00:17:30,217
I'm messed up on the inside.
385
00:17:30,250 --> 00:17:31,584
At least Owen's
is right out there
386
00:17:31,618 --> 00:17:32,752
where you can see it.
387
00:17:32,785 --> 00:17:37,757
*
388
00:17:37,790 --> 00:17:40,693
Owen's stopping by
just to chat.
389
00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:42,095
I like talking now.
390
00:17:42,129 --> 00:17:43,296
I think I'm gonna tell him
391
00:17:43,330 --> 00:17:44,831
about the first time
I ran away from home.
392
00:17:44,864 --> 00:17:47,234
I crawled to Detroit.
393
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:49,169
Max, I think it's great
you were able
394
00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:51,204
to look past Owen's situation.
395
00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:54,207
Even the sight of one of them
can be disturbing.
396
00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:56,643
Hey, everybody!
397
00:17:56,676 --> 00:17:58,178
Oh, good news.
398
00:17:58,211 --> 00:18:00,580
Oleg's got strong sperm.
399
00:18:01,881 --> 00:18:04,851
Well, that's the end
of this cookie.
400
00:18:04,884 --> 00:18:06,519
And the bad news is...
401
00:18:06,553 --> 00:18:09,322
Oh, I thought
that was the bad news.
402
00:18:09,356 --> 00:18:11,358
I went back to the doctor,
and he said
403
00:18:11,391 --> 00:18:13,426
I can still get pregnant.
404
00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:15,462
It's just gonna
take a while, you know,
405
00:18:15,495 --> 00:18:19,166
'cause my eggs are a bit
like the eggs here at the diner.
406
00:18:19,199 --> 00:18:21,534
You know, not exactly bad,
407
00:18:21,568 --> 00:18:25,638
just real close
to the use-by date.
408
00:18:25,672 --> 00:18:27,574
Sophie, what made you
go back to the doctor?
409
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:31,344
Well, you know, I was doing
a lot of soul-searching,
410
00:18:31,378 --> 00:18:34,414
and I left my purse there.
411
00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:36,316
So I figured, you know,
while I'm here,
412
00:18:36,349 --> 00:18:38,318
why not take a look,
you know?
413
00:18:38,351 --> 00:18:41,621
I mean, like Max said,
everybody's got something.
414
00:18:41,654 --> 00:18:42,789
Well, not to brag,
415
00:18:42,822 --> 00:18:45,192
but mine's
got two somethings.
416
00:18:46,526 --> 00:18:48,328
Hi.
I'm here for, uh...
417
00:18:48,361 --> 00:18:50,497
Table for two.
I mean one!
418
00:18:52,399 --> 00:18:55,202
Why did I say two?
419
00:18:55,235 --> 00:18:56,836
I don't know.
Have a good one.
420
00:18:56,869 --> 00:18:58,738
You too.
I mean, one!
421
00:19:00,273 --> 00:19:03,476
Oh, hi.
Yeah.
422
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:06,246
I've heard a lot
about you.
423
00:19:06,279 --> 00:19:07,914
You know, but not everything.
424
00:19:07,947 --> 00:19:10,683
You know, just
a couple of things.
425
00:19:12,285 --> 00:19:13,653
- She knows?
- What?
426
00:19:13,686 --> 00:19:15,655
Um, no.
427
00:19:15,688 --> 00:19:17,324
This is like meeting Elvis
428
00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:20,327
if Elvis had two penises
and didn't die on his toilet.
429
00:19:21,261 --> 00:19:22,795
Okay.
They all know.
430
00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:25,432
Owen, wait!
Wait. I'm sorry.
431
00:19:26,533 --> 00:19:30,370
Uh, I expected him
to walk differently.
432
00:19:30,403 --> 00:19:31,704
Did anybody else think that?
433
00:19:31,738 --> 00:19:35,808
Yeah, I was wondering
if he wears briefs and boxers.
434
00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:39,279
I was wondering if he'd let me
take a selfie with them.
435
00:19:39,312 --> 00:19:41,281
Guys,
Max really likes Owen,
436
00:19:41,314 --> 00:19:42,582
and she might have
blown it.
437
00:19:42,615 --> 00:19:45,318
Which, again,
seems like a lot of work.
438
00:19:46,719 --> 00:19:48,388
What happened?
439
00:19:48,421 --> 00:19:49,689
He broke up with me.
440
00:19:49,722 --> 00:19:51,391
He broke up with you?
441
00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:52,659
He said I betrayed
his trust,
442
00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:54,394
and I said,
whether I like it or not,
443
00:19:54,427 --> 00:19:55,762
you guys know everything.
444
00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:57,297
You're part of the package.
445
00:19:57,330 --> 00:19:58,565
And what did he say?
446
00:19:58,598 --> 00:20:01,534
He said my package
was too much for him.
447
00:20:01,568 --> 00:20:05,405
Your package
is too much?
448
00:20:05,438 --> 00:20:08,375
I mean, he's driving
a double-decker.
449
00:20:09,976 --> 00:20:12,479
Coleslaw tub.
Come alone.
450
00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:15,582
Are you okay?
451
00:20:15,615 --> 00:20:16,749
I'm fine.
452
00:20:16,783 --> 00:20:18,418
I don't really believe you,
453
00:20:18,451 --> 00:20:20,653
but I do know something
that might make you feel better.
454
00:20:21,754 --> 00:20:22,855
Oh, God! No!
455
00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:24,957
No more girl talk.
456
00:20:24,991 --> 00:20:26,526
Private stash.
457
00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:28,995
I get sad a lot
in here.
458
00:20:29,028 --> 00:20:30,863
[can hisses]
459
00:20:30,897 --> 00:20:32,799
I really liked him.
460
00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:34,434
[can hisses]
461
00:20:34,467 --> 00:20:35,935
I did what you said,
462
00:20:35,968 --> 00:20:37,504
and I let him
get to know me.
463
00:20:37,537 --> 00:20:39,406
[can hisses]
464
00:20:39,439 --> 00:20:42,309
I'm never doing that again.
465
00:20:42,342 --> 00:20:44,877
This isn't doing it for me.
466
00:20:44,911 --> 00:20:47,013
[cans hiss]
467
00:20:47,046 --> 00:20:48,681
I'm gonna miss him.
468
00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:54,521
*
469
00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:59,726
[upbeat music]
470
00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:07,700
*
31880
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