All language subtitles for 2.Broke.Girls.S05E04.And.the.Inside.Outside.Situation.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DD5.1.x264-CasStudio_track3_[eng]

I just got a $20 tip
on a $10 check.

I may be the greatest
waitress ever,

and strangely, that doesn't
make me want to die.

You're finally getting the hang
of a job you've had for years.

Is your last name Obama?

[gasps]
Another big tip.

I think it's my smile.

Well, something's smiling.

[bell dings]

Pickup.
Patty melt.

Correction: panty melt.

- Caroline, you have...
- What, Max?

Pride in a job well done?

Yes, some of us
can still feel pride.

Yeah, but only for about
another ten seconds.

Caroline.

Ooh!

Oh...oh, no.

Oh, no.

This reminds me of when I saw
my mother's side boob.

Max, you have to say something.

Um, Caroline?

Hey, look!

I just got a $10 tip
from this guy,

and I spilled coffee
on his face.

Screw it.

I'm taking the ass train
to Money Town.

Oh, nope.
Not wearing underwear.

(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

I know it's technically good
to have a big order,

but I am five cupcakes away

from what professional doctors
call T.Rex arm.

Like you always tell me--
use your other hand.

It'll feel like a stranger.

And how about our
new business labels

and my ability to be excited
about literally anything?

I got them with the money
you were saving

for that Porky Pig bong.

But when
it's down to just resin,

it says,
"That's all, folks."

I'll pay you back
as soon as we get the money

for this big order for...L?

Max, someone named L
ordered these cupcakes?

Oh, that's not an L;
that's an I.

Sorry, I learned printing
mostly from ransom notes.

I?

I mean, what kind of person
would just be named I?

This kind.

Hello.
That's my order.

Yes, they're just about
ready, mis...ter...

I'll spare you the stress
and confusion, dear,

because I can tell
by the size of your pores,

you're a sweater.

She is.

Sometimes
she gets so nervous

watching "America's
Next Top Model,"

our couch
is slick for days.

Spoiler alert: none of them
are America's next top model.

To be clear,
I am neither he nor she,

Mr. nor Mrs.,
male nor female,

and the only part of me
that's transitioning

are my heels
from day to evening.

I am simply I,
and I cannot be labeled.

I am gender fluid.

That's cool.

As long as none of it
gets on us.

Is my order ready,
or do I have to wade through

more of this poor man's
Amy and Tina?

I like to think of us
more as an Ike and Tina.

I'm just finishing
boxing them up for you.

It's okay for cupcakes to
still be put in a box, right?

Just not people.

I'm using your cupcakes
in some performance art.

See, I is a performance artist
this month.

Last month, I was working
at the Cold Stone Creamery

on 8th Street.

Well,
I've had sex there.

Yes, well, who hasn't?

The audience will bite into
one of your pretty, pink,

femme-looking cupcakes,
only to discover

that I have inserted
a cocktail weenie inside.

But who wants to be surprised
by a little weenie?

I don't mind it.

It's an interactive experiment
that challenges

how we instinctively
label one another.

But I don't have to explain
my performance piece to you.

You're not my advisor
at The New School.

Forgive me.

I wasn't criticizing
your piece.

Yeah, we're still not even
sure if you have one.

Can you excuse us
for a minute?

And by the way,
the fuchsia in your blouse

really brings out
the red in your beard.

People are gonna see
our adorable labels

and think all our cupcakes
are stuffed with wieners.

Would it kill you
to have a wiener

stuffed in your cupcake?

Look, someone
is paying for them,

and that someone can do

whatever the hell
they want with them.

I said the same thing
to the people

who bought my kids.

We don't want someone
to deface our cupcakes.

They're meant to be
enjoyed by children

or single women
when a romantic comedy

hits too close to home.

Money is money.
It doesn't matter.

Just put the cupcakes
in the bag.

I don't feel good about this.

Sorry, but we're
just not comfortable

selling you our cupcakes.

He is right here.
Bag it!

What did you just call me?

- Oh, no.
- Oh, no.

No, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

I did not say the thing
you thought I said.

I didn't even think it.

In fact, I wasn't listening
to half that crap you said.

She said, "bag it,"
with a B, as in boy--

or not a boy.

Oh, I see what this is.

This is just another
homophobic bakery

trying to deny service
to people like me.

Well, I don't
have to stand here

to tell you how upset I am.

That's what Yelp is for.

Oh, no.

I think Kathy Bates
is really mad at us.

Well, that sucks.

Now I want a hot dog.

[upbeat rock music]

*

Where are
all the customers?

I haven't seen
this few people since...

You went on Tinder?

Your sweet 16 party?

Caroline,
throw one in there.

Your season of
"The Bachelor"?

I was going to say

so few people since a sale
at your cupcake window.

Boom!
I just schooled you.

Well, preschooled us.

Hey, everybody.

Oh, my gosh.

You girls,
I raced over here so fast,

I left half my hair
in Midtown.

Love the babushka, baby.

Reminds me of
my Aunt Schmirna.

Great boobs:
one big, one small.

Something for everyone.

Yeah, the gays,
they're real mad at you.

Yeah, my stylist, Carl,
told me about two girls

with a cupcake shop
in Brooklyn

who didn't want to serve
a member of the LGBTQ community.

LGBTQ?

Those are the trains
I take to get here.

Oh, my God.
Max, this is terrible.

I know.

Earl only lives
a block away.

Why is he taking
five trains?

The gays are steaming mad.

You know,
if I were you girls,

I would stay away
from the Village,

the East River,
the Hudson River,

Melissa Rivers,

Pinkberry,

Broadway.

Yeah, and good luck
shopping for dog clothes.

Come on, Sophie.
It's not that bad.

Not that bad?

If it wasn't that bad,
would I have left the salon

looking like this?

[gasps]

Oh, my God.

They sent you out
like that?

They do hate us!

I know.
Tell me about it.

I look like Donald Trump

before they Velcroed
that dead cat to his head.

A classic good news/
bad news situation.

Good news: I figured out
where all the customers are.

Bad news: they're aggressively
protesting your cupcake shop.

[screams]

You went to Supercuts,
didn't you?

I hope you're happy,
girls.

Now even Han thinks
he's better than me.

[all, chanting]
No cake equals hate.

No cake
equals hate.

No cake equals hate.

No cake
equals hate.

Okay,
this is bad.

I haven't seen this many
angry gay people

since that NBC "Peter Pan."

There they are.

That's the one that refused
to sell me cupcakes.

Oh!

Hey, all right,
come on now.

The one with
the bee-stung lips,

or the one with
the unfortunate side bang?

This is just
a misunderstanding.

Max's Homemade Cupcakes
is pro-gay.

- I love gay people.
- She does.

She's pretty much
dated them exclusively.

This little business
is our dream.

* I dreamed a dream

* In time gone by

* When hope was high
and life worth living *

* I dreamed that love
would never die *

Wrong dream, blondie.

[chanting]
No cake equals hate.

No cake
equals hate.

[chanting]
No cake equals hate.

No cake
equals hate.

No cake equals hate.

- No cake equals hate.
- I've called every one

of my exes to come down
and vouch for me,

and they're freezing me out.

It's like I'm asking them
for sex again or something.

I was sure this would
clear up on its own,

but I always think that

because I can't afford
penicillin.

The diner's still empty.

Did you two get bored
killing your own business

and decide to go after mine?

I can say,
on behalf of all women,

none of us are ever
going after your business.

Apparently you've never
met Martha,

the portly cashier
at my neighborhood Rite Aid.

I'm gonna go talk to them,
set them straight.

Well, as much as I can,
given the circumstances.

[chanting continues]

We have been trapped in here
for two days.

It's like we're in
Gaytanamo Bay.

I'm gonna open this window
and tell them to screw off.

Free speech.

Your feelings got hurt.
Too bad, so sad.

[gasps]

Oh...my God.

You should have sold him
the damn cupcakes.

I'm Cher, bitch.

What happened?

Cher hates us too.

We must be wrong.

That's not the Cher, Max.

It's a Cher impersonator.

Then why do I have chills?

I love Cher.

I used to imagine
she was my real mom

and that one day
she'd pick me up

and take me away with her,

and then we'd get matching
see-through body stockings

like normal
mothers and daughters.

Aw, that's so disturbing.

Max, we did nothing wrong.

You can't just back down

because of some
female impersonator.

Now you're blonde.

Look, Cher,
we did nothing wrong.

Hey, look.
I want a cupcake,

and nobody--
and I mean nobody--

is gonna rain on my parade.

(I)
Attention, everyone.

Attention, everyone.

This is the owner
of the diner next door,

and he has something to say,

so let's listen
to our gay comrade.

Oh, I'm not gay.

Well, that explains
the sweater vest.

Yep, I'm straight.
Love the ladies.

I'm a bit of
a chick magnet.

You're barely the size
of a refrigerator magnet.

There.

Another insensitive remark,

this time about
the little people community,

just like my friend here.

Oh, I'm not
a little person.

Max, do not say anything.

Fine.

But this used to be
America,

home of the free
and land of the insult.

Everyone, maybe I can
clear this up.

That woman over there
doesn't hate gay people.

- She hates all people.
- Yeah.

[crowd booing]

[chanting]
No cake equals hate.

Sophie, what are you doing?

Oh, hi.
Sorry, girls.

No cake equals hate.

Hey, be fair
and fix my hair.

Hi.
Excuse me.

Oh, no,
did we also say something

to offend the L.L.Bean
community?

Max, now straight people
are mad at us too.

The cashier in the diner
said this was the best way

to get to you.

He also told me his CD
was a bargain at $5.99.

I can't believe you got
past the protestors.

I would have
thought those boys

would have
the back door covered.

Man, it's crazy
out there, right?

I mean, however people
run their business

should be their own business.

That was always the company line
when I worked for that cartel.

I read about your situation
on the internet,

and I want to order
500 cupcakes.

Is there a Mrs. L.L.Bean?

There is.
Happily married 15 years.

Terry Williams.

"Family Foremost Foundation"?

Yep, the FFF.

Wow, three of them.

You people really
like a good F.

Well, we're a group

of independent
business owners like you.

We're in town for
a convention on Sunday.

Information is on the card.

We'll bet there
with 500 cupcakes.

Oh, Terry,
what kind of cupcakes?

It's your business.
You decide.

- Max, how about that?
- I know.

The Brawny paper towel guy
just saved our asses.

Good afternoon, family.

(all)
Good afternoon, Terry.

It's so weird for me
to hear the word "family"

not followed by
the word "court."

I hope you have
some energy left

for the leader of our family,

the man who always
puts family foremost,

Brother Dan.

[cheers and applause]

[triumphant music]

*

Good afternoon, family.

(all)
Good afternoon, Brother Dan.

And thank you, Brother Terry,
for that warm introduction.

[cheers and applause]

Are they stuck?

Um, I think there
might be one more F

in Brother Dan's plan.

Today, we are here to celebrate
that most perfect union:

the family.

We rejoice in the family.

We live, we love,
we lust...

wholesomely, of course,
for the family.

And today, our family
has found two new daughters.

[applause]

Girls, why don't you
come up on stage?

Oh, you don't want her
to get on stage.

In fact, why don't you
get that spotlight off us

before she starts
to sing again?

Don't be shy.
You two girls went up

against today's
politically correct mafia.

You stood up
to the family destroyers,

with their tan,
shirtless torsos

and their free
online pornography.

Come on up for a hug.

Come on.

Just walk past the stairs
and keep going.

No money is worth being
part of whatever this is.

Let's make a break for it.

(Brother Dan)
And we have a big surprise.

Here's a check made out
to Max's Homemade Cupcakes

for $10,000!

[triumphant music]

Let's make a break for it
after we get the check.

Every night this week,
I have wept in the arms

of my loving wife, Peggy.

I have wept about the plight
of these two girls,

and I am very thankful
that we could all pull together

to ease their pain.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

Max, Caroline,

come closer to me.

Closer?

Does he know
we don't have penises?

Come close
so I can present you

your giant check.

I just wish I'd brought
my giant wallet.

No one has to know
we're getting money from them.

Right now, millions
of people are watching

as we stream live
around the world.

Oh, this is streaming
right now?

Max, this is streaming.

I'm streaming
a little in my pants

about this check.

Right now,
all around the world,

people are seeing
what morals look like.

[applause]

These are the girls
who are standing up

against the deviants,
the divorces,

the scientists,
the hop-hop lovers,

and...
[sucking sounds]

the doobie smokers.

Whoa.

I don't like people
or science, either,

but ain't nothing wrong
with a righteous doob.

We need to show the world
that we will not tolerate

these deviants and these
degenerates any longer!

[cheers and applause]

I don't want to be
associated with these people.

The gays will hate us forever,
and when I get an interior,

I want it decorated.

People watching everywhere,

meet the two new
faces of family.

[cheers and applause]

You know what we
have to do, right?

On the count of three.

One, two...

[audience gasping]

Look away, Peggy!

Hold me, Terry.

I believe this is yours.

[upbeat rock music]

*

I can't keep up
with all these drinks.

I'm running out
of tiny umbrellas.

How will you get home
if it rains?

Yes, it's I.

Saw your kiss on Instagram,

and I wanted to apologize
for the whole mix-up.

I can be a little
overly sensitive.

Just ask anyone
that works at LancГґme.

Oh, they know me
at LancГґme.

They call me
No More Free Samples.

Listen, I get it.

Nobody wants to be
reduced to some label.

You should hate people
for other reasons:

because
they're gross or mean

or you owe them money.

At the end of the day,

we are all just
trying to get by.

Bi? Now, those people
I don't trust.

Hi, sorry I'm late
for the party, girls,

but I was just outside
talking to my new friends,

Lisa Newcar
and Ginger Vitis.

We all wear
the same shoe size!

Ah, ladies, ladies.

I would love to stay
and celebrate,

but I've got a hot date
with that fine young thing

at table four.

Good for you, Earl.

But I don't know
if that's exactly a woman.

Ladies, I'm almost 80.

I don't know that
that's exactly a problem.

A few of the girls and I
took up a collection

for shutting your business down
the last couple days,

so here.

Cher,
you got me a present?

I've waited for this
my whole life.

[deep voice]
You know my name
is Chad, right?

So snap out of it!