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1
00:00:02,803 --> 00:00:05,073
The sad lady book club
is reading
2
00:00:05,106 --> 00:00:08,709
fifty shades of grey again.
3
00:00:08,742 --> 00:00:14,048
There's not a dry seat
in the house.
4
00:00:14,082 --> 00:00:16,784
If those ladies
are that into light torture,
5
00:00:16,817 --> 00:00:20,221
they should just apply
for our jobs.
6
00:00:20,254 --> 00:00:21,689
[Bell dings]
- Hey.
7
00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:24,558
Aww, you two are so adorable.
8
00:00:24,592 --> 00:00:29,497
Like Romeo and Juliet,
but without the bright future.
9
00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:31,332
Yeah...
10
00:00:31,365 --> 00:00:33,601
I want him out of the diner.
11
00:00:33,634 --> 00:00:34,678
What are you talking about?
12
00:00:34,702 --> 00:00:36,337
Anyone who works in this diner
13
00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:38,072
is like a fat guy
in a smart car.
14
00:00:38,106 --> 00:00:40,341
You can never get out.
15
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:41,675
It's true.
16
00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:45,379
I came in here in 1962
for a cup of coffee.
17
00:00:45,413 --> 00:00:49,717
Someone asked me to break
a dollar, and I never left.
18
00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:52,686
Look. Living, working,
and sleeping with the same guy
19
00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,755
is never a good idea.
20
00:00:54,788 --> 00:00:57,825
Just talk to Hillary Clinton.
21
00:00:57,858 --> 00:00:59,727
I guess I can get
a dishwasher fired.
22
00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:04,098
When I was rich, I got Wolfgang
puck fired from Wolfgang puck.
23
00:01:04,132 --> 00:01:05,699
Get yours, Max!
24
00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:08,702
Hit it then quit it.
25
00:01:08,736 --> 00:01:13,274
That strategy served me well
in my 20s and 30s.
26
00:01:13,307 --> 00:01:17,378
Evening, ladies.
27
00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:20,681
Also, my 70s.
28
00:01:20,714 --> 00:01:22,816
(peter bjorn and John)
* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
29
00:01:22,850 --> 00:01:24,685
[cash register bell dings]
30
00:01:24,718 --> 00:01:28,389
* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh *
31
00:01:34,195 --> 00:01:35,163
[bell dinging]
- Pick up.
32
00:01:35,196 --> 00:01:36,164
Or don't.
33
00:01:36,197 --> 00:01:38,166
Who gives a crap?
34
00:01:38,199 --> 00:01:40,834
Well, someone's in a bad mood.
What's wrong, Oleg?
35
00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:44,805
Did they discontinue
making axe body spray?
36
00:01:44,838 --> 00:01:47,875
Don't even kid.
37
00:01:47,908 --> 00:01:50,778
No. I'm cranky because
I'm not having sex right now.
38
00:01:50,811 --> 00:01:52,846
Yeah. I thought it was weird
seeing both your hands
39
00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:55,416
while you were talking.
40
00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:58,219
Sophie's idea.
It's some old Polish ritual.
41
00:01:58,252 --> 00:02:00,288
The bride and groom
remain chaste for 30 days
42
00:02:00,321 --> 00:02:02,456
before the wedding.
43
00:02:02,490 --> 00:02:04,268
Apparently, the "something blue"
at the wedding
44
00:02:04,292 --> 00:02:07,795
has got to be my balls.
45
00:02:07,828 --> 00:02:09,297
So, you're practicing celibacy.
46
00:02:09,330 --> 00:02:11,799
I'm trying,
but there are women everywhere.
47
00:02:11,832 --> 00:02:16,404
I feel like
a bull in a vagina shop.
48
00:02:16,437 --> 00:02:18,239
Hear ye, hear ye!
49
00:02:18,272 --> 00:02:21,309
I'm unveiling a major
improvement to the diner!
50
00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:23,911
Well, we'll miss you, han.
51
00:02:23,944 --> 00:02:26,780
Nice try, Max,
but like Ryan seacrest,
52
00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:30,284
I'll be here forever.
53
00:02:30,318 --> 00:02:32,820
Now, will you all please do what
you have yet to do on Twitter
54
00:02:32,853 --> 00:02:35,823
and follow me?
55
00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:37,325
You too, Earl.
56
00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:38,659
Hell, this better be good.
57
00:02:38,692 --> 00:02:40,928
Every step I take
could be my last.
58
00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:46,667
And now...
59
00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:48,536
Without further a-douche...
60
00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:50,838
Ready to have your minds blown?
61
00:02:50,871 --> 00:02:54,975
At this point, I'm ready
to have anything blown.
62
00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:56,977
Ta-da!
63
00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:59,580
That is the worst gift
i ever received
64
00:02:59,613 --> 00:03:01,849
and last year,
my son bought me a coffin.
65
00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:08,389
This works our great then,
because it's not for you.
66
00:03:08,422 --> 00:03:09,957
It's for Nash.
67
00:03:09,990 --> 00:03:12,293
Oh, well, that's real nice.
68
00:03:12,326 --> 00:03:15,563
Because the shower at Max's
place doesn't work at all.
69
00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:17,365
You better believe it's nice.
70
00:03:17,398 --> 00:03:19,567
That's the spritzy 5000.
71
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:23,537
Dishwasher weekly gave it
four out of four dishies.
72
00:03:23,571 --> 00:03:26,574
You know our oven doesn't work,
right?
73
00:03:26,607 --> 00:03:30,844
Hey, boss lady, if we work hard,
do we get a gift?
74
00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:33,314
If you work hard,
I'll die childless
75
00:03:33,347 --> 00:03:35,783
with my mouth frozen open
in shock.
76
00:03:35,816 --> 00:03:38,018
Yeah, I went there!
77
00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:43,023
Nash works hard, so only he may
handle my beautiful hose!
78
00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:44,792
Well, if he's handling
han's hose,
79
00:03:44,825 --> 00:03:47,495
he's never getting fired.
80
00:03:47,528 --> 00:03:48,862
Okay. Step up here, Nash.
81
00:03:48,896 --> 00:03:50,931
I'll show you
what this puppy can do.
82
00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:59,307
So far the puppy can't reach
the hose.
83
00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:01,241
A little help.
84
00:04:04,512 --> 00:04:07,848
Aww, there's nothing cuter
than a hot guy holding a baby.
85
00:04:10,784 --> 00:04:14,588
Now just grab that thing
and squeeze it till it sprays.
86
00:04:14,622 --> 00:04:17,891
Move to call a moratorium
on the words "grab," "squeeze,"
87
00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:19,927
and "sprays" till the wedding.
88
00:04:28,569 --> 00:04:31,071
Damn!
That's hot.
89
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:34,842
And me without any singles
to stuff down his pants.
90
00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:37,878
Well, I better go dry off
in the men's room.
91
00:04:37,911 --> 00:04:39,847
Don't be too long in that stall.
92
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:42,383
I've got a date with the land
o'lakes butter package lady
93
00:04:42,416 --> 00:04:43,617
on my next break.
94
00:04:48,088 --> 00:04:49,423
[All gasping]
95
00:04:51,959 --> 00:04:55,028
Oh. Pardon me, ladies.
I'm all wet.
96
00:04:55,062 --> 00:04:57,698
[All gasping]
97
00:04:57,731 --> 00:05:00,000
Max? Are you seeing
what I'm seeing?
98
00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:02,336
Those ladies looking at him
like he's a senior special
99
00:05:02,370 --> 00:05:05,373
at sizzler's?
100
00:05:05,406 --> 00:05:06,774
[All speaking at once]
101
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,117
We might not be able
to get Nash fired,
102
00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:10,978
but we can get him hired
as a fashion model.
103
00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:12,546
Look at their faces.
104
00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:15,483
He could be the future bulge
of Calvin klein.
105
00:05:15,516 --> 00:05:17,451
Now you're talking
about the future?
106
00:05:17,485 --> 00:05:19,553
Why can't you just accept
that we are stuck
107
00:05:19,587 --> 00:05:21,855
with a really crappy present?
108
00:05:21,889 --> 00:05:24,558
Quit trash-talking
the spritzy 5000!
109
00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:33,000
Good afternoon.
Welcome to the high.
110
00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:34,835
I'll have somebody
get you some water.
111
00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:37,538
Not me, 'cause I'm past that.
112
00:05:37,571 --> 00:05:39,740
You know, here.
113
00:05:39,773 --> 00:05:41,851
I think I just sat another one
of those lesbian blind-dates
114
00:05:41,875 --> 00:05:43,511
for our boss.
115
00:05:43,544 --> 00:05:46,046
It's hard out there for a pimp.
116
00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:48,549
Why do you think
i got out of pimping?
117
00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:51,018
That and someone broke
a beer bottle over my head.
118
00:05:51,051 --> 00:05:53,020
So, did you get Nash a modeling
job yet?
119
00:05:53,053 --> 00:05:54,555
I'm working on it.
120
00:05:54,588 --> 00:05:57,124
It's not like I can
just call Tyra banks.
121
00:05:57,157 --> 00:06:00,127
Well, that's what her people
said when I called.
122
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:03,464
Ugh, phone therapy ran long.
123
00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:05,999
Apparently I have more issues
than I realized
124
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:09,737
about Rosie leaving the view.
125
00:06:09,770 --> 00:06:12,139
Are my dates here yet?
126
00:06:12,172 --> 00:06:14,975
Please don't
tell me it's her, her, or her.
127
00:06:15,008 --> 00:06:18,412
It's her, her, and her.
128
00:06:18,446 --> 00:06:20,080
Lose them.
129
00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:22,115
How am I supposed to
get rid of them?
130
00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:23,993
Just say what anyone says when
they want a lesbian to leave,
131
00:06:24,017 --> 00:06:28,121
"there's a Subaru outside
that's about to get a ticket."
132
00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:29,690
If you had you told me,
ten years ago,
133
00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:33,861
I'd be on a dating site
called "lez meet up,"
134
00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:36,930
I would've told the youth pastor
i was married to,
135
00:06:36,964 --> 00:06:41,602
"you've lost your mind."
136
00:06:41,635 --> 00:06:42,670
[Phone beeps]
137
00:06:42,703 --> 00:06:43,771
[Gasps]
138
00:06:43,804 --> 00:06:45,005
Oh, I just got some interest
139
00:06:45,038 --> 00:06:47,040
from the
del monico modeling agency.
140
00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:49,009
But for the interview,
he needs photos.
141
00:06:49,042 --> 00:06:51,812
And not just the pictures
of his butt on your phone.
142
00:06:51,845 --> 00:06:53,814
Fine, you handle it.
143
00:06:53,847 --> 00:06:55,483
The only thing I know
about modeling is
144
00:06:55,516 --> 00:06:58,819
a couple of years ago, I was
the face of shingles on webmd.
145
00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:07,895
Girls, perfect timing to ask me
to do this photo shoot.
146
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:11,098
The FBI just gave me
my camera back last week.
147
00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:13,534
Oh, so you get your camera back,
148
00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:15,044
but I'm still waiting
on that kilo of coke
149
00:07:15,068 --> 00:07:19,773
that I spent hours carefully
filling my butt with?
150
00:07:19,807 --> 00:07:21,642
Let me just change the settings.
151
00:07:21,675 --> 00:07:27,147
This camera is used to taking
pictures from 800 feet away.
152
00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:30,217
And we want those pictures back,
Oleg!
153
00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:32,586
Hey, everybody!
154
00:07:32,620 --> 00:07:33,954
Just call me "rush hour traffic"
155
00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:38,125
'cause I sure am horny.
156
00:07:38,158 --> 00:07:42,195
Oh, Caroline, I do not know how
you go years, and years,
157
00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:45,599
and years, and years,
and years, and years
158
00:07:45,633 --> 00:07:48,902
without doing the nasty.
159
00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:51,905
It's only been years and years.
160
00:07:51,939 --> 00:07:54,074
- Come on.
- And years.
161
00:07:54,107 --> 00:07:56,143
Well, I could go
for a brisket sandwich.
162
00:07:56,176 --> 00:07:57,878
We're closed, Sophie.
163
00:07:57,911 --> 00:08:01,181
I know.
I got one in my purse.
164
00:08:01,214 --> 00:08:05,052
And why are you doing the photo
shoot in this skanky dishroom?
165
00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:08,522
Because we're going with
the "hot dishwasher" angle.
166
00:08:08,556 --> 00:08:10,658
The agency said
every model needs a hook.
167
00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:12,660
Yeah, like how Cindy Crawford
has a beauty mark
168
00:08:12,693 --> 00:08:15,028
and Anna Nicole Smith is dead.
169
00:08:15,062 --> 00:08:19,567
Yeah, yeah. My sister is a model
in Poland and she has a hook.
170
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:24,204
It's her left hand, yeah.
It's is also great for kabobs.
171
00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:25,873
Come on, Nash!
172
00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:27,875
Put a little Irish spring
in your step.
173
00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:29,677
I'm a little nervous.
174
00:08:29,710 --> 00:08:32,179
The only other time I had
my picture taken was at school.
175
00:08:32,212 --> 00:08:36,950
The priest said he needed a
shirtless one for the roll call.
176
00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:40,954
Where did he go to school,
our lady of to catch a predator?
177
00:08:40,988 --> 00:08:44,858
Wow. You sure look hot.
178
00:08:44,892 --> 00:08:45,893
Careful, Sophie.
179
00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:47,895
That's my brisket.
180
00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:50,864
I'm not talking about
Daniel day-loser here.
181
00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:55,235
I'm talking about Oleg.
182
00:08:55,268 --> 00:09:00,040
You are sweating
like an old knockwurst
183
00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:04,945
that has been left out
in the sun.
184
00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:09,316
It's really breathtaking.
185
00:09:09,349 --> 00:09:13,153
Okay, Nash, stand over here
near the hose
186
00:09:13,186 --> 00:09:15,856
and give me hot face, dead eyes.
187
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:17,958
You know, like me
when I mix nyquil and dayquil.
188
00:09:17,991 --> 00:09:20,193
I call it afternoonquil.
189
00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:21,962
Okay. Now I'm gonna start
shooting.
190
00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:26,166
Yeah. Shoot, baby!
Shoot!
191
00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:27,644
- What do you think?
[Camera clicking]
192
00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:30,303
Well, he's stiff,
but not in the good way.
193
00:09:30,337 --> 00:09:31,972
Ugh, this is painful.
194
00:09:32,005 --> 00:09:35,175
He's like Susan boyle
without the star quality.
195
00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:37,210
We need a little of what
he had the other day.
196
00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:39,246
You'll thank me for this later.
197
00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:41,982
[Camera clicking]
198
00:09:42,015 --> 00:09:43,183
Yes, Nash, yes!
199
00:09:43,216 --> 00:09:47,387
Tear your shirt!
200
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:51,124
- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
201
00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:54,194
[Gasps]
202
00:09:54,227 --> 00:09:58,231
Stop!
203
00:09:58,265 --> 00:10:01,068
What the hell is happening
in here?
204
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:03,236
I didn't give anyone permission
to use my diner
205
00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:04,337
for a photo shoot.
206
00:10:04,371 --> 00:10:05,873
Calm down.
207
00:10:05,906 --> 00:10:07,875
We are trying to get him
a modeling job.
208
00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:10,778
He has a job!
He's my number one worker.
209
00:10:10,811 --> 00:10:13,213
Like the doctor said to your
mother when you were born,
210
00:10:13,246 --> 00:10:15,115
tough break.
211
00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:17,284
You two crows
don't let me have anything!
212
00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:25,225
Okay, Nash,
part of the model audish
213
00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:27,895
is to see how you'd be
as a performer in commercials,
214
00:10:27,928 --> 00:10:30,263
and movies, and other things
people don't watch anymore.
215
00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:32,365
Now, obviously,
right out of the gate,
216
00:10:32,399 --> 00:10:35,335
you're not gonna be as good
as that duck who says "aflac,"
217
00:10:35,368 --> 00:10:38,906
but you've got to be at least
as good as Ben affleck.
218
00:10:38,939 --> 00:10:41,374
I can help. For a time,
i had a rich acting career.
219
00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:43,443
It started with a starring role
in Annie,
220
00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,212
and ended when I portrayed
Rosa parks
221
00:10:45,245 --> 00:10:46,455
in an ill-advised high school
production
222
00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:49,316
that led to an investigation
by the naacp.
223
00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:53,053
Ooh, this is a commercial
for breakfast cereal!
224
00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:55,989
Ah! Every actor's dream!
225
00:10:56,023 --> 00:10:57,224
Hey, Nash, read this.
226
00:10:57,257 --> 00:10:58,892
Think James Dean.
227
00:10:58,926 --> 00:11:03,163
But alive
and eating cocoa puffs.
228
00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:05,032
"Cocoa puffs
are a delicious part
229
00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:09,369
of any well-balanced breakfast."
230
00:11:09,402 --> 00:11:10,914
I'm trying to find
a nice way to say...
231
00:11:10,938 --> 00:11:14,908
You suck, bro.
232
00:11:14,942 --> 00:11:16,710
You... you get it.
233
00:11:16,744 --> 00:11:18,979
You know the thrill
of eating chocolate
234
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:22,149
at a traditionally
non-chocolatey time of day.
235
00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:24,718
Let's tap into that.
236
00:11:24,752 --> 00:11:26,019
Okay. Take it from the top.
237
00:11:26,053 --> 00:11:28,455
And this time, go cuckoo.
238
00:11:28,488 --> 00:11:31,925
Go cuckoo for cocoa puffs.
239
00:11:31,959 --> 00:11:33,202
"Cocoa puffs are a delicious..."
240
00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:35,228
stop.
241
00:11:35,262 --> 00:11:38,866
Don't phone this in.
It's not raisin bran.
242
00:11:38,899 --> 00:11:40,333
"Pocoa cuffs are a delicious..."
243
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:42,235
"pocoa cuffs"?
244
00:11:42,269 --> 00:11:45,338
Pocoa cuffs?
245
00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:48,909
I just can't with these
rank amateurs, Caroline.
246
00:11:48,942 --> 00:11:50,410
Max, calm down.
247
00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:52,379
It's a fake tryout
for a cereal commercial,
248
00:11:52,412 --> 00:11:55,382
not dance moms.
249
00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:58,318
I'm nervous.
I'm not an actor.
250
00:11:58,351 --> 00:12:00,253
Uh, no, you are not.
251
00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:02,389
Give me that.
252
00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:04,324
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
253
00:12:04,357 --> 00:12:08,195
Got it.
254
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:11,464
Cocoa puffs are a delicious part
of any well-balanced breakfast!
255
00:12:11,498 --> 00:12:13,300
They're good for you,
which parents love,
256
00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:15,435
and they taste like candy,
which I love!
257
00:12:15,468 --> 00:12:18,438
I can't help it!
I'm cuckoo for cocoa puffs!
258
00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:22,042
Cuckoo!
259
00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:27,047
I'm tearing up, and it's not
just the black mold in here.
260
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:30,450
Max, I think you may have just
set the acting bar too high.
261
00:12:30,483 --> 00:12:31,952
[Knock at door]
- Oh.
262
00:12:31,985 --> 00:12:35,288
I've never set a bar
too high before.
263
00:12:35,322 --> 00:12:38,859
I've set a bar on fire
and I've left a bar too high.
264
00:12:38,892 --> 00:12:40,493
Oh, hey, girls.
265
00:12:40,527 --> 00:12:43,296
Oh, do you mind if I hang
down here with you for a while?
266
00:12:43,330 --> 00:12:46,233
Oleg is up there,
he's trying to seduce me
267
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:47,500
by cleaning the apartment.
268
00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:51,805
And it's, oh, oh, so dirty.
269
00:12:51,839 --> 00:12:53,540
[Vacuum cleaner humming]
270
00:12:53,573 --> 00:12:58,378
Oh, oh, he's vacuuming now,
which means he's naked.
271
00:12:58,411 --> 00:13:03,083
Oh, me and my Polish values.
272
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:04,952
Polish values?
273
00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:07,487
That's the name of my favorite
dollar store in Brooklyn.
274
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:08,421
[Vacuum humming]
275
00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:13,460
Oh, he's deep-cleaning the shag.
276
00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:15,395
Oh, my god.
Somebody, do something
277
00:13:15,428 --> 00:13:17,831
to make me not want sex.
278
00:13:17,865 --> 00:13:20,433
All right, Nash, why don't you
show us your runway walk?
279
00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:26,006
That was it.
280
00:13:26,039 --> 00:13:29,242
Oh, I thought you were going
to pick up a pen.
281
00:13:29,276 --> 00:13:31,078
Thanks, perfect.
282
00:13:31,111 --> 00:13:35,448
Now I'm completely turned off.
283
00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:39,452
Watching that potato walk across
the room really did the trick.
284
00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:41,454
Nash, concentrate.
285
00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:42,555
Follow my lead.
286
00:13:42,589 --> 00:13:44,157
Bam. Pow. Bam. Pow.
287
00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:46,259
And step and bam,
and step and pow,
288
00:13:46,293 --> 00:13:48,295
and step and bam!
289
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:50,497
Oh, even better!
290
00:13:50,530 --> 00:13:54,034
I mean, after that,
they could film the sequel
291
00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:56,836
to frozen on my lady parts.
292
00:14:00,573 --> 00:14:02,509
Yeah, me too.
293
00:14:02,542 --> 00:14:06,046
But just 'cause i
"let it go" down there.
294
00:14:06,079 --> 00:14:09,616
[Vacuum hum continues]
- Aaah!
295
00:14:09,649 --> 00:14:13,954
Oh, now he's using
the wand attachment.
296
00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:18,591
Oh, and he's getting real deep
between the cushions.
297
00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:20,928
Oh, my god, just screw it.
298
00:14:20,961 --> 00:14:23,596
I'm never gonna make it
to the wedding!
299
00:14:23,630 --> 00:14:26,466
[Groaning]
300
00:14:26,499 --> 00:14:28,535
Oh, grandma kuchenski,
please forgive me
301
00:14:28,568 --> 00:14:29,903
for what I'm about to do.
302
00:14:29,937 --> 00:14:32,305
I...
303
00:14:32,339 --> 00:14:34,507
Well, you were no white Lily
yourself!
304
00:14:41,248 --> 00:14:43,650
[Gasps]
- Wow.
305
00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:46,419
He's bamming and powing
up a storm.
306
00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:48,621
When he's famous,
i hope he remembers us.
307
00:14:48,655 --> 00:14:52,659
Pfft. I like to think I did some
things he will never forget.
308
00:14:52,692 --> 00:14:54,561
How's that?
309
00:14:54,594 --> 00:14:56,329
Great, you can walk.
310
00:14:56,363 --> 00:15:00,333
If you can read too, I'll treat
myself to a snapple.
311
00:15:00,367 --> 00:15:01,534
Let's get to the copy.
312
00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:03,203
Actually, we came prepared.
313
00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:05,405
Nash rehearsed
the cocoa puffs commercial.
314
00:15:05,438 --> 00:15:07,174
I think you'll be quite moved.
315
00:15:07,207 --> 00:15:08,651
Oh yeah, well,
we'll be reading something
316
00:15:08,675 --> 00:15:10,243
a little different today.
317
00:15:10,277 --> 00:15:12,512
[Clears throat]
318
00:15:12,545 --> 00:15:14,581
Don't panic.
They do this all the time.
319
00:15:14,614 --> 00:15:16,059
They want to make sure
you're flexible.
320
00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:17,517
Yeah. Go ahead, Nash.
321
00:15:17,550 --> 00:15:20,653
Whatever cereal it is,
act like it's delicious.
322
00:15:20,687 --> 00:15:24,191
Unless it's rice krispies.
A-boring!
323
00:15:24,224 --> 00:15:26,559
Okay, here goes.
324
00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:27,560
"You know you like it.
325
00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:30,697
Bend over, bitch."
326
00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:34,367
Uh, are we missing a page?
327
00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:37,537
Cereals have changed
since I was a kid.
328
00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:39,206
Should I read the part
where I notice
329
00:15:39,239 --> 00:15:40,583
the teacher's not wearing
any panties?
330
00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:42,675
Oh, my god.
This is porn!
331
00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:45,078
No wonder all those people
out there were freaks.
332
00:15:45,112 --> 00:15:49,416
No wonder I recognized
so many of them.
333
00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:50,717
Don't act so surprised.
334
00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:55,488
Everyone knows cocoa puffs
is code for porn.
335
00:15:55,522 --> 00:15:57,657
Also, you sent us some pictures
taken by someone
336
00:15:57,690 --> 00:16:01,561
very experienced in erotica.
337
00:16:01,594 --> 00:16:03,997
We can't let him do this.
338
00:16:04,031 --> 00:16:05,741
I have a movie that starts
shooting tomorrow
339
00:16:05,765 --> 00:16:08,501
that pays $1,000 a day.
340
00:16:08,535 --> 00:16:10,603
Can we?
341
00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:12,439
Maybe we can't.
342
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:14,707
It's the lead in sorest rump.
343
00:16:19,612 --> 00:16:22,649
Maybe we can.
344
00:16:22,682 --> 00:16:25,285
I think we need
a little sidebar, delores.
345
00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:26,529
- [Clears throat]
- Should I come with you?
346
00:16:26,553 --> 00:16:27,787
No, we're good.
347
00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:30,023
I have a couple of questions
for the actor.
348
00:16:30,057 --> 00:16:34,194
Can you swim,
and are you circumcised?
349
00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:35,695
Max, this has gone too far.
350
00:16:35,728 --> 00:16:37,406
I know, I was expecting you
to just crash with me
351
00:16:37,430 --> 00:16:41,401
for a couple of days
and get your own place.
352
00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:43,703
Are we really gonna
let Nash do porn
353
00:16:43,736 --> 00:16:45,705
just so he doesn't work
at the diner?
354
00:16:45,738 --> 00:16:47,707
Hey, ladies, what's it gonna be?
355
00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:49,676
I got other talent to see.
356
00:16:49,709 --> 00:16:52,312
I got a guy named lustin beaver
357
00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:54,514
taking the amtrak
in from Philly.
358
00:16:57,684 --> 00:17:00,787
Max, if you're really keen on me
being a porn actor,
359
00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:02,222
I'll do it.
360
00:17:02,255 --> 00:17:03,790
She says, tomorrow,
they start filming
361
00:17:03,823 --> 00:17:07,627
the grand Booty fest hotel.
362
00:17:07,660 --> 00:17:10,163
And, they'll pay me more
for my accent.
363
00:17:10,197 --> 00:17:15,435
Also, what does "gay for pay"
mean?
364
00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:18,505
Ugh, I guess it means
we got to go.
365
00:17:24,777 --> 00:17:26,579
Look at him, Max.
366
00:17:26,613 --> 00:17:29,749
A cute guy, eaten up
and spat out by show business
367
00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:33,786
like so many
Baldwin brothers before him.
368
00:17:33,820 --> 00:17:35,822
Nash doesn't care
about modeling.
369
00:17:35,855 --> 00:17:37,790
He's 21.
He doesn't care about anything.
370
00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:41,128
His biggest concern
is playing with the Xbox.
371
00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:44,131
Mine and, also,
the popular video game system.
372
00:17:44,164 --> 00:17:45,432
He cares about you.
373
00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:47,767
He was willing to do
"gay for pay."
374
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:52,672
Did I hear Nash
is going "gay for pay"?
375
00:17:52,705 --> 00:17:56,609
'Cause I've got $4
burning a hole in my pocket.
376
00:17:56,643 --> 00:17:58,445
Oh, a customer.
377
00:17:58,478 --> 00:18:00,713
Hi, welcome to the high.
Here for dessert?
378
00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:03,850
Oh, thanks but I haven't
had cake since my sweet 16,
379
00:18:03,883 --> 00:18:07,354
and even then,
i made myself throw it up.
380
00:18:07,387 --> 00:18:10,290
I'm meeting someone here
and my phone's about to die.
381
00:18:10,323 --> 00:18:12,859
And if it dies, I will too.
Do you have an outlet?
382
00:18:12,892 --> 00:18:14,694
Screaming in the shower
really works for me.
383
00:18:14,727 --> 00:18:17,630
Like, right into the water.
384
00:18:17,664 --> 00:18:20,300
Super cute.
But I do need a phone outlet.
385
00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:21,801
I'll plug you in, honey,
386
00:18:21,834 --> 00:18:25,272
and I'll take care of your
phone, too.
387
00:18:25,305 --> 00:18:27,307
Girls, meet Marie.
388
00:18:27,340 --> 00:18:29,642
Hi.
Seriously, down to 10%.
389
00:18:29,676 --> 00:18:32,212
Oh, did you two meet
on "lez meet up"?
390
00:18:32,245 --> 00:18:35,882
No, honey, I've never been
on "lez meet up."
391
00:18:35,915 --> 00:18:38,718
Oh, you're thinking of me,
Caroline.
392
00:18:38,751 --> 00:18:41,721
You know how much
i love lady tail.
393
00:18:41,754 --> 00:18:43,890
This place is amazing.
394
00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:46,293
Isn't it amazing?
395
00:18:46,326 --> 00:18:48,895
I had the decorator redo it
nine times.
396
00:18:48,928 --> 00:18:51,498
You can feel his anger
in the walls.
397
00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:52,832
It's electric.
398
00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:56,169
We're electric.
Who is this miracle?
399
00:18:56,203 --> 00:18:58,205
That's Nash.
I found him in the bowery
400
00:18:58,238 --> 00:19:00,873
next to a pile of burning trash.
401
00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:02,842
Go say hi.
402
00:19:02,875 --> 00:19:06,646
He's even creamier and more
delicious up close.
403
00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:08,648
You're eating?
That is so punk rock.
404
00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:10,950
Tell me everything right now.
405
00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:12,785
Uh, well, I'm a dishwasher.
406
00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:15,322
I'm from Ireland.
407
00:19:15,355 --> 00:19:16,689
Oh, I was trying
to become a model
408
00:19:16,723 --> 00:19:18,958
and I almost did porn
an hour ago.
409
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:21,494
That is the best story
i ever heard.
410
00:19:21,528 --> 00:19:22,705
Tell it to me again standing up.
411
00:19:22,729 --> 00:19:26,199
But this time, don't talk.
412
00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:28,868
I see face, I see ass,
i see model.
413
00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:30,670
Do you have a manager?
414
00:19:30,703 --> 00:19:33,406
I guess that'd be Caroline,
the blonde one over there.
415
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:36,943
Blonde one, come over here and
talk to me about your client.
416
00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:39,546
I am in love.
He's perfection.
417
00:19:39,579 --> 00:19:41,681
Marie prower,
senior vp of marketing.
418
00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:42,982
Sweet, what company?
419
00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:44,217
Guess.
420
00:19:44,251 --> 00:19:46,386
Um, Tommy hilfinger.
421
00:19:46,419 --> 00:19:48,855
I work for guess, darling.
422
00:19:48,888 --> 00:19:51,291
No more words.
Listen.
423
00:19:51,324 --> 00:19:53,293
He's amazing.
424
00:19:53,326 --> 00:19:55,238
I would tweet about him
right now, but my phone is dead.
425
00:19:55,262 --> 00:19:57,697
So bring him into my office
on Monday.
426
00:19:57,730 --> 00:19:58,831
You heard her, Caroline.
427
00:19:58,865 --> 00:20:02,302
Bring him into her office
tomorrow.
428
00:20:02,335 --> 00:20:05,372
She's obsessed with me.
429
00:20:05,405 --> 00:20:08,241
Max, I was right.
He is a model.
430
00:20:08,275 --> 00:20:10,577
Get me a hot wife and a hotter
woman to cheat on her with,
431
00:20:10,610 --> 00:20:14,447
'cause I'm a big-time
talent manager.
432
00:20:14,481 --> 00:20:16,483
Congratulations, dude.
433
00:20:16,516 --> 00:20:18,927
Well, I guess if this works out,
I'm gonna have to quit my job
434
00:20:18,951 --> 00:20:20,620
at the diner.
435
00:20:20,653 --> 00:20:23,823
Will you be mad at me?
436
00:20:23,856 --> 00:20:26,559
I'll be really sad.
437
00:20:26,593 --> 00:20:28,628
I'm gonna miss you a lot,
you know?
438
00:20:28,661 --> 00:20:30,763
Not seeing you 24/7.
439
00:20:30,797 --> 00:20:33,433
But I would hate myself
if I didn't let you
440
00:20:33,466 --> 00:20:35,735
follow your dreams.
441
00:20:35,768 --> 00:20:40,440
Even if it means you moving out
of the apartment, too.
442
00:20:40,473 --> 00:20:43,943
Now go.
443
00:20:43,976 --> 00:20:45,845
Here comes that tear again.
444
00:20:45,878 --> 00:20:47,947
I'm all choked up.
445
00:20:47,980 --> 00:20:51,484
Max, you would have made a great
Rosa parks.
446
00:20:51,518 --> 00:20:53,653
If you had been black.
447
00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:58,024
Which, I guess,
is what they insist on.
448
00:20:58,057 --> 00:20:59,592
But you got him to move out.
449
00:20:59,626 --> 00:21:00,927
You are good.
450
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:03,496
Yeah, well, I mean, he's cute,
451
00:21:03,530 --> 00:21:09,402
but I'm not all that cuckoo
for his cocoa puffs.
452
00:21:09,436 --> 00:21:11,804
[Cash register bell rings]
33157
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