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1
00:00:02,470 --> 00:00:03,737
Here you go.
2
00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:05,382
And I hope you enjoyed
dinner and the show.
3
00:00:05,406 --> 00:00:09,510
The show being me pretending
I'm happy as a waitress.
4
00:00:09,543 --> 00:00:10,778
Caroline, where is Max?
5
00:00:10,811 --> 00:00:13,647
And I've already checked
the bowels of hell.
6
00:00:13,681 --> 00:00:16,684
Yeah, I know where I work.
7
00:00:16,717 --> 00:00:18,119
Max is going to be late today
8
00:00:18,152 --> 00:00:19,396
'cause she got stuck
on the subway.
9
00:00:19,420 --> 00:00:20,630
But you said yesterday
she was late
10
00:00:20,654 --> 00:00:22,656
because she was stuck
on the subway.
11
00:00:22,690 --> 00:00:27,395
No, I believe I said yesterday
she got stuck under the subway.
12
00:00:27,428 --> 00:00:29,263
Oleg, a little help.
13
00:00:29,297 --> 00:00:30,431
Oh, Max?
14
00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:32,433
Today she got stuck on a bus.
15
00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:35,669
And you said that the day before
yesterday.
16
00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:38,139
- Earl?
- She got stuck between the moon
17
00:00:38,172 --> 00:00:40,541
and New York City.
18
00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:44,545
I know it's crazy,
but it's true.
19
00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:45,579
Sorry I'm late.
20
00:00:45,613 --> 00:00:47,581
I couldn't find our cat, Nancy.
21
00:00:47,615 --> 00:00:51,419
Also, I was stuck
on the bus or under the subway.
22
00:00:51,452 --> 00:00:52,562
Unless they told you
something different,
23
00:00:52,586 --> 00:00:54,588
then I was doing that.
24
00:00:54,622 --> 00:00:57,291
Oh, come on.
That excuse was less satisfying
25
00:00:57,325 --> 00:01:00,361
than the end of serial.
26
00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:02,130
Max, really,
what do you take me for?
27
00:01:02,163 --> 00:01:04,432
Well, I know where
i can't take you.
28
00:01:04,465 --> 00:01:08,636
On the big rides at Disneyland.
29
00:01:08,669 --> 00:01:10,271
Nancy still hasn't come home.
30
00:01:10,304 --> 00:01:11,305
I'm freaking out.
31
00:01:11,339 --> 00:01:12,806
She's the only thing I love.
32
00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:13,807
[Gasps]
33
00:01:13,841 --> 00:01:15,709
Whatever.
34
00:01:15,743 --> 00:01:18,279
I had a cat once.
He was cool.
35
00:01:18,312 --> 00:01:22,183
He was black
and very sexually active.
36
00:01:22,216 --> 00:01:26,787
Oh, wait, the cool cat
I'm talking about was me.
37
00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:30,191
Earl, be careful, at your age,
you could die having sex.
38
00:01:30,224 --> 00:01:31,292
I know.
39
00:01:31,325 --> 00:01:33,727
Those ladies don't know
whether I'm coming or going.
40
00:01:36,897 --> 00:01:39,267
(peter bjorn and John)
* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
41
00:01:39,300 --> 00:01:40,834
[cash register bell dings]
42
00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:44,772
* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh *
43
00:01:49,510 --> 00:01:51,345
I think Nancy might be gone
for good.
44
00:01:51,379 --> 00:01:53,190
I just can't believe
she didn't take me with her.
45
00:01:53,214 --> 00:01:54,648
We had a deal.
46
00:01:54,682 --> 00:01:56,384
Max, she'll come back
to the apartment,
47
00:01:56,417 --> 00:01:58,186
even if she doesn't want to.
48
00:01:58,219 --> 00:02:00,454
I mean, I always do.
49
00:02:00,488 --> 00:02:02,256
I am not surprised
you're not worried.
50
00:02:02,290 --> 00:02:03,400
You never really liked Nancy.
51
00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:06,460
You call her "that cat."
52
00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:10,531
As in, "that cat"
peed on my pillow.
53
00:02:10,564 --> 00:02:14,402
While I was sleeping on it, Max.
54
00:02:14,435 --> 00:02:17,871
Well, blame me.
I got her drunk.
55
00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:21,775
Hey, everybody!
56
00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:26,714
Look, girls,
i got your pussy in my purse.
57
00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:28,725
Either that's a cat, or
you two got to keep better track
58
00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:32,753
of your belongings.
59
00:02:32,786 --> 00:02:34,588
Yay!
60
00:02:34,622 --> 00:02:37,925
That cat's back.
61
00:02:37,958 --> 00:02:39,460
See, Max?
62
00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:41,795
I am excited.
63
00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:44,265
[Baby talk]
Oh, I missed you so much.
64
00:02:44,298 --> 00:02:46,467
Oh, yes, I did.
65
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:49,370
That's not Nancy.
66
00:02:49,403 --> 00:02:50,804
That is a boy.
67
00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:52,678
Well, Max, sorry I don't check
out a cat's junk
68
00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:54,708
the second it comes through
the door.
69
00:02:54,742 --> 00:02:56,577
Yeah, you only look at the face.
70
00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:59,780
That's the difference between
you and me.
71
00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:02,816
See, look, the name tag says
"cinnamon."
72
00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:05,953
No wonder that little girl
kept crying and saying,
73
00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:08,956
"give me cinnamon,
give me cinnamon."
74
00:03:08,989 --> 00:03:11,792
I looked her right in the eye
and I said,
75
00:03:11,825 --> 00:03:15,963
"i don't carry spices
in my purse."
76
00:03:15,996 --> 00:03:18,299
Max, you are completely
overreacting.
77
00:03:18,332 --> 00:03:19,967
- It's just a...
- Oh! Just a what?
78
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,002
Say it!
79
00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:23,937
- It's just a cat.
- [Gasps]
80
00:03:23,971 --> 00:03:26,407
You!
81
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:29,677
Hey, I'm the one who fronted us
that dollar to get her name tag.
82
00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:31,321
Thanks to me, someone's gonna
pick her up,
83
00:03:31,345 --> 00:03:33,481
look at it, and say,
"oh, you must be lost,
84
00:03:33,514 --> 00:03:35,449
little... Cat."
85
00:03:35,483 --> 00:03:37,651
Nancy!
Her name's Nancy!
86
00:03:37,685 --> 00:03:38,919
I know her name!
87
00:03:38,952 --> 00:03:40,754
It got momentarily
pushed out of my head
88
00:03:40,788 --> 00:03:43,691
to make room for those 1,600
cupcake t-shirts
89
00:03:43,724 --> 00:03:45,659
we can't unload or pay for.
90
00:03:45,693 --> 00:03:47,295
You think I don't wake up
screaming
91
00:03:47,328 --> 00:03:49,997
four or five nights a week
about those t-shirts?
92
00:03:50,030 --> 00:03:52,700
But I know our cat's name.
93
00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:54,935
You don't wake up at night ever.
94
00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:58,506
No, I sleep like a dead baby,
it's my one gift.
95
00:03:58,539 --> 00:03:59,507
[Phone rings]
96
00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:01,609
Oh, the phone!
[Gasps]
97
00:04:01,642 --> 00:04:03,444
Unknown number.
This could be it!
98
00:04:03,477 --> 00:04:08,015
I like my numbers like my condom
expiration dates, unknown.
99
00:04:08,048 --> 00:04:09,016
Hello?
100
00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:11,319
- Yes?
- Who is it, Max?
101
00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:13,354
You have her?
Yay!
102
00:04:13,387 --> 00:04:14,288
Oh, sure, great.
103
00:04:14,322 --> 00:04:15,456
- Thank you.
- He has her?
104
00:04:15,489 --> 00:04:16,490
He has Nancy?
105
00:04:16,524 --> 00:04:17,684
Please, too little, too late.
106
00:04:24,665 --> 00:04:26,634
Max, we're in $10,000 worth
of debt
107
00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:28,436
and you spent money
on new kitty litter?
108
00:04:28,469 --> 00:04:32,373
Relax, I'm going to pee
in it, too.
109
00:04:32,406 --> 00:04:34,041
Well, I guess it beats
that sprite bottle
110
00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:35,976
you've been using
in your bedroom.
111
00:04:36,009 --> 00:04:37,778
It's just such a long walk
to the bathroom
112
00:04:37,811 --> 00:04:39,313
that every time i have to go,
113
00:04:39,347 --> 00:04:41,749
it's like
I'm raising money for Ms.
114
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:44,051
Oh, I have good news.
115
00:04:44,084 --> 00:04:48,789
I found your lost bra
in the litter box.
116
00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:49,833
Don't think I'm not still
wearing it.
117
00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:51,392
I mean, why not?
118
00:04:51,425 --> 00:04:54,762
I ate a hot dog that rolled
under a car the other day.
119
00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:56,005
I left a couple
of big clumps in,
120
00:04:56,029 --> 00:04:58,699
just to help you out a little.
121
00:04:58,732 --> 00:04:59,700
[Knock at door]
122
00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:01,101
Oh, okay, that's Nancy.
123
00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:04,638
Here's a chance
for a fresh start for you two.
124
00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:06,916
And don't bring up the bra,
we don't know why she wanted it,
125
00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:09,743
but I'm sure
she had her reasons.
126
00:05:09,777 --> 00:05:11,020
Fine, I'll be
on my best behavior.
127
00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:13,747
But you watch and see
how she treats me.
128
00:05:13,781 --> 00:05:17,585
It's a two-way street.
129
00:05:17,618 --> 00:05:18,852
Hi, I have your cat.
130
00:05:18,886 --> 00:05:21,622
And surprisingly, your doorknob.
131
00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:23,791
Oh, that gum wore out already?
132
00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:26,126
[Gasps]
Hi, buddy!
133
00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:28,028
Hi, I'm Caroline.
This is Max.
134
00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:29,697
Thank you so much
for bringing back...
135
00:05:29,730 --> 00:05:31,799
- Nancy!
- I know!
136
00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:34,668
And please note,
she did not even look at me.
137
00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:35,936
Hi. I'm Owen.
138
00:05:35,969 --> 00:05:39,873
Well, we are "Owen" you
a big thank-you.
139
00:05:39,907 --> 00:05:41,642
Kind of low on cash,
how would you feel
140
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:43,411
about 1,000 cute cupcake tees?
141
00:05:43,444 --> 00:05:45,112
Yeah, I don't need
1,000 pink t-shirts.
142
00:05:45,145 --> 00:05:48,882
My dad's already mad at me
i don't care about sports.
143
00:05:48,916 --> 00:05:50,684
How do you get this thing open?
144
00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:51,928
We usually just take Nancy
around
145
00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:53,921
in an old vacuum cleaner bag.
146
00:05:53,954 --> 00:05:57,591
Also doubles as my
"going out" purse.
147
00:05:57,625 --> 00:05:59,793
Pardon me, may I get past?
148
00:05:59,827 --> 00:06:01,595
Oh, manners.
149
00:06:01,629 --> 00:06:02,863
In our doorway?
150
00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:04,865
I don't know what to do.
151
00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:08,936
What's next, a front stoop with
no discarded heroin needles?
152
00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:10,538
Yeah, I just came up there.
153
00:06:10,571 --> 00:06:13,474
Not today.
154
00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:14,708
Here, let me help.
155
00:06:14,742 --> 00:06:16,720
I mean, I'm the dumb one who
paid $2,000 for a cat carrier.
156
00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:19,046
Hmm.
I miss being that stupid.
157
00:06:19,079 --> 00:06:20,881
You know, my cat
can't get this open either.
158
00:06:20,914 --> 00:06:23,451
It must be the lack of thumbs.
159
00:06:23,484 --> 00:06:26,153
Rich, funny, and in a suit
at 9:00 A.M.?
160
00:06:26,186 --> 00:06:28,922
I really don't know what to do.
161
00:06:28,956 --> 00:06:31,024
You know, my cat, dickens,
loves your cat.
162
00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:33,661
Oh, dickens, after the author?
163
00:06:33,694 --> 00:06:36,664
Dickens, after the author, Max.
164
00:06:36,697 --> 00:06:38,599
Yeah, I know who that is.
165
00:06:38,632 --> 00:06:42,470
The guy who wrote
muppets Christmas Carol.
166
00:06:42,503 --> 00:06:44,738
There.
I knew I'd get it.
167
00:06:44,772 --> 00:06:47,074
'Cause I have thumbs.
168
00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:49,777
[Baby talk]
Oh, there she is.
169
00:06:49,810 --> 00:06:51,044
[Cat meows]
- Yes.
170
00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:53,180
So I take it by the cat,
you're single?
171
00:06:57,217 --> 00:06:57,951
Big time.
172
00:06:57,985 --> 00:07:00,788
So, do you and dickens
live alone?
173
00:07:00,821 --> 00:07:02,990
Oh no, she's trying to flirt.
174
00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:04,592
I travel a lot for work.
175
00:07:04,625 --> 00:07:05,659
I'm a venture capitalist.
176
00:07:05,693 --> 00:07:06,660
So you know how it is.
177
00:07:06,694 --> 00:07:07,728
Oh, I do.
I absolutely do.
178
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:09,029
- I...
- Here it comes.
179
00:07:09,062 --> 00:07:11,131
- Went to wharton.
- Boom.
180
00:07:11,164 --> 00:07:12,709
Well, if she gets lost again,
you know where to find her.
181
00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:15,002
She's been hanging around
outside our window
182
00:07:15,035 --> 00:07:16,212
every day for the last couple
of months.
183
00:07:16,236 --> 00:07:18,171
So I let her in.
I hope that's okay.
184
00:07:18,205 --> 00:07:21,108
Is that okay?
It's awesome.
185
00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:23,677
I hope your girlfriend
didn't mind.
186
00:07:23,711 --> 00:07:24,678
We just broke up.
187
00:07:24,712 --> 00:07:25,779
So I'm single.
188
00:07:25,813 --> 00:07:26,847
And I better get going.
189
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:27,848
I've got a 10:00 meeting.
190
00:07:27,881 --> 00:07:28,849
Max, give the man his case.
191
00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:31,218
He has a 10:00 meeting.
192
00:07:31,251 --> 00:07:32,996
She doesn't want to get out
of cushy this thing.
193
00:07:33,020 --> 00:07:34,555
I totally get it.
194
00:07:34,588 --> 00:07:35,865
I had to be dragged
out of that massage chair
195
00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:38,058
at brookstone by mall security.
196
00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:39,860
Well, here's my card,
just give me a call
197
00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:41,204
when you want me
to pick up the case.
198
00:07:41,228 --> 00:07:43,997
You have a card?
199
00:07:44,031 --> 00:07:46,800
A card, a meeting,
a suit, a joke?
200
00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:50,070
Are you the next bachelor?
201
00:07:50,103 --> 00:07:52,105
Well, thank you,
Owen Charles Boyd,
202
00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:53,941
for bringing back our beloved...
203
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:55,284
- Her name's Nancy!
- I know her name.
204
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:58,178
Why do I have to say it so fast?
205
00:07:58,211 --> 00:08:01,882
She's joking,
she's just not as funny as you.
206
00:08:01,915 --> 00:08:03,283
Well, it was nice to meet you.
207
00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:05,218
Bye, Nancy.
208
00:08:05,252 --> 00:08:06,252
Okay.
209
00:08:12,092 --> 00:08:13,527
Yes, I was flirting.
210
00:08:13,561 --> 00:08:15,095
But I was doing it
for our business.
211
00:08:15,128 --> 00:08:18,165
You should really be doing it
for your business.
212
00:08:18,198 --> 00:08:21,234
'Cause your business
is going out of business.
213
00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:22,235
He has a card.
214
00:08:22,269 --> 00:08:24,805
And it's not
for medical marijuana.
215
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:25,906
He's a venture capitalist.
216
00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:27,040
That's the kind of fat cat
217
00:08:27,074 --> 00:08:28,976
that can help us get back
on our feet.
218
00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:30,587
Speaking of fat cats,
Nancy's looking like
219
00:08:30,611 --> 00:08:33,814
she might need to give
Jenny a call.
220
00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:35,048
Hey, girls.
221
00:08:35,082 --> 00:08:38,118
Oh, you found Nancy.
222
00:08:38,151 --> 00:08:41,755
I knew she'd come back pregnant.
223
00:08:41,789 --> 00:08:43,332
Wait, Sophie, how can you tell
she's pregnant
224
00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:46,894
and just not fighting the same
battle Jonah hill is fighting?
225
00:08:46,927 --> 00:08:50,731
Well, her fur is thicker, she's
got a little sparkle in her eye,
226
00:08:50,764 --> 00:08:53,667
and there's a little kitten head
about to pop out of her patoot.
227
00:08:58,606 --> 00:09:01,008
[Nancy meowing]
228
00:09:01,942 --> 00:09:04,645
Come on.
Push, Nancy.
229
00:09:04,678 --> 00:09:06,246
Come on, we all know
what you did.
230
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:10,183
Now is not the time to be shy.
231
00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:11,928
You do know what you're doing,
right, Sophie?
232
00:09:11,952 --> 00:09:13,229
This isn't like the time
you told us
233
00:09:13,253 --> 00:09:16,857
you could do your own bikini wax
with a candle?
234
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:20,360
'Cause I still have the
vanilla-scented scars from that.
235
00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:22,029
Don't worry.
236
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:24,798
In my village,
all the kuchenskis women
237
00:09:24,832 --> 00:09:26,667
acted as animal midwives.
238
00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:29,169
It was the best way
to meet guys.
239
00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:30,804
Strap in, girls.
240
00:09:30,838 --> 00:09:33,807
[Nancy meowing]
- Ah! She's crowning!
241
00:09:33,841 --> 00:09:35,242
I can't believe it.
242
00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:37,645
I thought Nancy
was smarter than this.
243
00:09:37,678 --> 00:09:39,155
But it turns out she's just like
the rest of the women
244
00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:40,147
in my family.
245
00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:44,685
Screwed by some stranger
she met in the dumpster.
246
00:09:44,718 --> 00:09:47,220
Okay, here we go.
247
00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:48,689
[Nancy meowing]
248
00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:53,293
Oh, there goes my ring.
249
00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:55,963
I... sorry, Nancy.
250
00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:57,665
(Sophie)
Oh, here we go!
251
00:09:57,698 --> 00:10:02,202
Come on, girls, I need some
hot water and fresh towels.
252
00:10:02,235 --> 00:10:04,271
We do, too.
For, like, four years.
253
00:10:04,304 --> 00:10:06,073
Uh...
254
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:07,383
How about some
of these t-shirts?
255
00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:09,209
Oh, sure why not use those?
256
00:10:09,242 --> 00:10:10,844
They used to be our
bright future.
257
00:10:10,878 --> 00:10:14,782
Now just a shamwow
for illegitimate cats.
258
00:10:14,815 --> 00:10:17,184
[Nancy meowing]
259
00:10:17,217 --> 00:10:19,119
Oh, my god,
that must be the sound
260
00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:22,723
of a surrendering cat uterus.
261
00:10:22,756 --> 00:10:24,000
Well, it's the first time
a uterus has surrendered
262
00:10:24,024 --> 00:10:28,295
in that bed in a while.
263
00:10:28,328 --> 00:10:30,330
[Kittens meowing]
264
00:10:30,363 --> 00:10:32,132
I don't know why
I'm not throwing up.
265
00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:36,103
Oh, wait.
I'm starting to.
266
00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:37,404
[Kittens continue meowing]
267
00:10:37,437 --> 00:10:41,775
Well, I'm off Korean dumplings
for life.
268
00:10:41,809 --> 00:10:44,077
This one...
This one won't come out.
269
00:10:44,111 --> 00:10:47,247
It's like the queen latifah
of kittens.
270
00:10:50,450 --> 00:10:55,288
Sophie, I got your text
that you were in bed with Nancy.
271
00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:56,256
Who is this Nancy,
272
00:10:56,289 --> 00:11:00,227
and when did we go back
to doing three-ways?
273
00:11:00,260 --> 00:11:02,462
Nancy's a cat.
274
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:04,431
Mm, that's a no.
275
00:11:04,464 --> 00:11:07,200
I've got to draw the line
somewhere.
276
00:11:12,940 --> 00:11:15,442
Well, I heard the news.
277
00:11:15,475 --> 00:11:20,080
Looks like you two are
grandmothers before you're 30.
278
00:11:20,113 --> 00:11:24,051
Can't say I'm surprised.
279
00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:26,019
Okay, before you even ask,
280
00:11:26,053 --> 00:11:28,455
I don't pay
for cat maternity leave.
281
00:11:28,488 --> 00:11:31,792
This isn't Google.
282
00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:36,096
This isn't even ask jeeves, han.
283
00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:39,099
Well, I can help you
get the kittens good homes.
284
00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:41,334
The people in my building
are very nice.
285
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:45,005
Except if you don't recycle one
bottle of sparkling cider,
286
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:47,841
then nobody talks to you
in the elevator.
287
00:11:47,875 --> 00:11:50,010
Han, we're not
giving the kittens away.
288
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,912
Nancy landed herself a rich cat,
289
00:11:51,945 --> 00:11:55,315
we're gonna be living off
a hefty kitty support.
290
00:11:55,348 --> 00:11:57,184
Only you two
would be desperate enough
291
00:11:57,217 --> 00:12:01,088
to try and find a sugar catty.
292
00:12:01,121 --> 00:12:02,956
So has Owen called you back yet?
293
00:12:02,990 --> 00:12:04,892
Um, we're trading.
294
00:12:04,925 --> 00:12:06,159
"We're trading"?
295
00:12:06,193 --> 00:12:08,061
"We're trading"
is lonely white girl talk
296
00:12:08,095 --> 00:12:10,197
for "he hasn't called me back."
297
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,532
I can't believe this.
He's a deadbeat dad.
298
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,367
Max, he's just busy.
299
00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:16,369
And I think you might
be projecting a little
300
00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:17,504
because of your dad.
301
00:12:17,537 --> 00:12:18,939
Not that I'm a therapist.
302
00:12:18,972 --> 00:12:20,974
I mean,
i can't even afford a couch.
303
00:12:21,008 --> 00:12:22,275
I'm not projecting.
304
00:12:22,309 --> 00:12:26,079
I just know a deadbeat dad
when I don't see one!
305
00:12:26,113 --> 00:12:27,114
Where's his card?
306
00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:28,381
I don't remember where i...
307
00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:30,984
[gasps]
Max, let go! I've got this.
308
00:12:31,018 --> 00:12:32,820
That guy can really help us
with our business.
309
00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:34,521
Please, let me handle this.
310
00:12:34,554 --> 00:12:35,522
Look, Ryan gosling.
311
00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:38,058
[Gasps]
312
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:39,159
- I got this.
- I got this.
313
00:12:39,192 --> 00:12:40,427
- I got this.
- I got this.
314
00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:44,865
Keep going, girls,
I'm almost there.
315
00:12:44,898 --> 00:12:46,033
I got this, Max.
316
00:12:46,066 --> 00:12:47,901
And when he comes to get
the cat carrier,
317
00:12:47,935 --> 00:12:48,936
I'll talk to him.
318
00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:50,237
You're way too emotional.
319
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:52,205
You just went to third base
with my apron.
320
00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:00,013
Sitting on this stoop is nice.
321
00:13:00,047 --> 00:13:01,915
How come we never sit out here?
322
00:13:01,949 --> 00:13:03,016
[Gunshots ringing]
323
00:13:03,050 --> 00:13:05,418
[Woman shrieking]
324
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:07,420
There it is.
325
00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:09,489
Oh, please, it's just rico.
326
00:13:12,592 --> 00:13:16,163
Rico looks good.
I think he got another tattoo.
327
00:13:16,196 --> 00:13:19,066
Look, when Owen gets here,
should we still be alive,
328
00:13:19,099 --> 00:13:20,333
please let me do the talking.
329
00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:23,103
Kittens aside, Owen can help us.
330
00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:24,905
A venture capitalist
buys companies
331
00:13:24,938 --> 00:13:26,173
and turns them around.
332
00:13:26,206 --> 00:13:28,441
Yeah, I've seen pretty woman.
333
00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:31,178
That's how I realized
i wasn't charging enough.
334
00:13:31,211 --> 00:13:32,913
Go, Max, here he comes.
335
00:13:32,946 --> 00:13:35,582
All right, but I'll be watching
inside from the window.
336
00:13:35,615 --> 00:13:36,993
It's probably better, because
i don't trust Nancy alone
337
00:13:37,017 --> 00:13:38,218
with those kittens.
338
00:13:38,251 --> 00:13:39,853
She's got some
serious postpartum.
339
00:13:39,887 --> 00:13:41,955
When I left the room,
she was lighting a menthol 100
340
00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:45,625
with a shaky paw.
341
00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:47,060
Hi.
342
00:13:47,094 --> 00:13:49,229
Crazy we live walking distance
from each other.
343
00:13:49,262 --> 00:13:50,864
We don't.
The uber driver
344
00:13:50,898 --> 00:13:53,200
wouldn't go past the fire
hydrant on the corner.
345
00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:54,543
The one with the bloody shoe
hanging from it?
346
00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:56,369
That's the one.
347
00:13:56,403 --> 00:13:58,205
[Woman screaming]
348
00:13:58,238 --> 00:14:00,340
You know what? I'm just
gonna take the cat carrier.
349
00:14:00,373 --> 00:14:04,211
Before you go...
350
00:14:04,244 --> 00:14:06,146
We have this small cupcake
company
351
00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:07,614
that's just begging
to be an empire,
352
00:14:07,647 --> 00:14:10,984
and I wanted to pick your brain
about some business stuff.
353
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:19,192
Okay, so your dickens
got our cat pregnant,
354
00:14:19,226 --> 00:14:21,361
and she just had five kittens.
355
00:14:21,394 --> 00:14:23,372
And at her age, it's a miracle
we didn't have to pay
356
00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:25,065
for in vitro.
357
00:14:25,098 --> 00:14:26,375
How do you know they are
dickens's?
358
00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:27,935
I'm not saying
that Nancy's easy,
359
00:14:27,968 --> 00:14:29,445
it's just,
I've seen her go in and out
360
00:14:29,469 --> 00:14:32,439
of a lot of windows.
361
00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:35,608
[Police sirens blaring
in the distance]
362
00:14:35,642 --> 00:14:37,544
Did he just drop a gun?
363
00:14:37,577 --> 00:14:39,612
It's fine.
He has more.
364
00:14:39,646 --> 00:14:41,324
Okay, call my assistant,
you can pick my brain.
365
00:14:41,348 --> 00:14:45,118
I just don't want it
to be off the sidewalk.
366
00:14:45,152 --> 00:14:46,662
Really, I got to go.
I can't get killed.
367
00:14:46,686 --> 00:14:49,422
I'm wearing new suede loafers.
368
00:14:49,456 --> 00:14:52,125
Uber, an assistant,
and suede loafers?
369
00:14:52,159 --> 00:14:53,293
Are you for real?
370
00:14:58,431 --> 00:14:59,532
I hope I'm not intruding.
371
00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:00,667
No, come in.
372
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,269
I was just brushing
my new loafers.
373
00:15:02,302 --> 00:15:04,537
I bought them as a break-up gift
for myself.
374
00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:08,275
But unlike my ex-girlfriend,
these have a sole.
375
00:15:08,308 --> 00:15:11,144
I didn't wanna mention the cat
situation to your assistant.
376
00:15:11,178 --> 00:15:13,089
Next thing you know,
it's all over the lunch room:
377
00:15:13,113 --> 00:15:16,950
Owen Charles Boyd's cat
is a raw-dogger.
378
00:15:16,984 --> 00:15:19,086
My business partner
stepped on them.
379
00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:20,153
Said it was an accident.
380
00:15:20,187 --> 00:15:21,288
Didn't feel like one.
381
00:15:21,321 --> 00:15:23,223
One shoe yes, but both?
382
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,158
Highly unlikely.
383
00:15:25,192 --> 00:15:28,561
Owen, sometimes in life,
it's not just an innocent cat
384
00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:29,963
that gets screwed.
385
00:15:29,997 --> 00:15:33,066
A girl can get screwed as well.
386
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:36,203
Oh, hey, hi.
What's happening?
387
00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:39,572
As in, screwed by one
bad business decision.
388
00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:41,641
My partner, Max, and i
recently invested
389
00:15:41,674 --> 00:15:45,712
all our savings in...
Well, here, take a look.
390
00:15:45,745 --> 00:15:47,380
- [Gasps]
- Oh, my coffee!
391
00:15:47,414 --> 00:15:48,415
- Oh.
- My loafer!
392
00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:51,184
My coffee's on my loafer!
393
00:15:51,218 --> 00:15:53,053
Here, let me.
394
00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:54,330
No, you dab.
You don't wipe suede.
395
00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:55,455
You dab.
396
00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:57,324
Dab.
Dab. I'm sorry.
397
00:15:57,357 --> 00:15:58,358
I used to know that.
398
00:15:58,391 --> 00:16:00,593
That's rich 101.
399
00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:02,062
Let me just go find some water
400
00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:05,265
and I'll dab, not wipe,
this out.
401
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:06,742
We're not done yet.
I'm going back in.
402
00:16:06,766 --> 00:16:07,734
It's going really well though.
403
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:10,203
Where's water?
404
00:16:10,237 --> 00:16:13,106
Do you know how to unsend
an email?
405
00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:15,608
If I did, my rich ex-boyfriend
would've never found out
406
00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:17,244
what I thought of his lisp
407
00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:20,447
and I'd be living in the
"thouth of franth" right now.
408
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,615
[Elevator bell dings]
409
00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:24,017
Where is he?
410
00:16:24,051 --> 00:16:26,619
He needs to see
these adorable bastards.
411
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,188
Max, how did you find me here?
412
00:16:28,221 --> 00:16:30,323
I told you I was going
on a "think walk."
413
00:16:30,357 --> 00:16:32,225
I followed you.
414
00:16:32,259 --> 00:16:33,702
I never noticed how much
you check yourself out
415
00:16:33,726 --> 00:16:36,629
in store windows.
You have a problem.
416
00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:38,631
Do either of you know a way
to turn the phrase,
417
00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:43,103
"self-absorbed, ridiculous pig"
into a compliment?
418
00:16:43,136 --> 00:16:45,805
If I did, I'd still be
on the apprentice.
419
00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:47,340
Owen's going to see that email
420
00:16:47,374 --> 00:16:48,608
and I'm going to get fired.
421
00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:51,811
I have to start paying attention
to details.
422
00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:53,513
I'm just gonna go back in.
423
00:16:53,546 --> 00:16:55,648
What?
I don't care.
424
00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:56,749
Not without me you're not.
425
00:16:56,783 --> 00:16:58,218
Max, please, let me handle this.
426
00:16:58,251 --> 00:16:59,452
I'm begging you.
427
00:16:59,486 --> 00:17:02,722
We're getting close, look,
I'm holding his shoe.
428
00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:04,491
If he doesn't step up here,
429
00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:05,801
these kittens
will feel neglected,
430
00:17:05,825 --> 00:17:07,327
and it is only a matter of time
431
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,296
till they are waitressing
or worse.
432
00:17:09,329 --> 00:17:10,763
Max, you're wrong.
433
00:17:10,797 --> 00:17:13,566
There's nothing worse
than waitressing.
434
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:14,801
Max, stop!
435
00:17:14,834 --> 00:17:16,169
You'll ruin everything.
436
00:17:16,203 --> 00:17:17,670
I can fix this and us.
437
00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:19,806
We are beyond help.
438
00:17:19,839 --> 00:17:21,574
It's all about these kittens.
439
00:17:21,608 --> 00:17:22,851
- Now move, I got this.
- No, I got this.
440
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:24,277
- I got this.
- I got this.
441
00:17:24,311 --> 00:17:26,279
- I...
- [Gasps]
442
00:17:26,313 --> 00:17:27,680
Oh, my god.
443
00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:28,681
What the hell is happening?
444
00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:30,450
[Kittens meowing]
445
00:17:30,483 --> 00:17:34,654
That's right. I came to your
office with a basket of cats.
446
00:17:34,687 --> 00:17:36,323
Max, I'm so sorry.
447
00:17:36,356 --> 00:17:39,092
Yeah, well, he's the one
who should be sorry.
448
00:17:39,126 --> 00:17:43,696
I want you to look
these kittens in the whiskers
449
00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:46,833
and tell them that dickens
is not their father.
450
00:17:46,866 --> 00:17:48,568
What makes you think
they're mine. Why?
451
00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:51,204
Because they look
just like dickens
452
00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:53,773
when he was a tiny baby kitten.
453
00:17:53,806 --> 00:17:56,209
Oh, and this one's even cuter.
454
00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:57,310
And that one.
455
00:17:57,344 --> 00:17:58,811
I'll take them all.
456
00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:00,223
But not that one.
Seems a little off.
457
00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:02,815
Not quite as alert
as the others.
458
00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:06,186
Oh, she's not good enough
for you?
459
00:18:06,219 --> 00:18:07,887
- Max. Projecting.
- I'm not projecting.
460
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,332
He said
she's not good enough for him.
461
00:18:09,356 --> 00:18:10,457
What?
462
00:18:10,490 --> 00:18:13,893
Just because she was unplanned
and not good at math?
463
00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:16,563
Developed boobs way too early?
464
00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:17,797
Okay, fine.
I'm projecting.
465
00:18:17,830 --> 00:18:19,199
What is going on?
466
00:18:19,232 --> 00:18:20,476
Caroline, are we gonna hook up
or what?
467
00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:23,236
This is, like the weirdest
foreplay ever.
468
00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:25,738
Hook up? What would make you
think I want to hook up?
469
00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:28,375
Oh, because i business flirted?
470
00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:29,776
That's wharton 101.
471
00:18:29,809 --> 00:18:31,644
It was more
than business flirting.
472
00:18:31,678 --> 00:18:32,855
You begged to come to my office,
473
00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:35,415
show up wearing
a see-through shirt.
474
00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:36,516
That was not by choice.
475
00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,318
It is cheaply made.
476
00:18:38,351 --> 00:18:40,153
I came here to talk to you
about our business,
477
00:18:40,187 --> 00:18:42,855
and possibly get you to invest
in a small, but spirited...
478
00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:45,725
Invest? This is the financial
capital of the world.
479
00:18:45,758 --> 00:18:47,594
[Baby talk]
Yes, it is.
480
00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:50,630
Why would I invest in a
desperate little cupcake shop?
481
00:18:50,663 --> 00:18:54,634
(Both)
You!
482
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:55,802
That's it!
483
00:18:55,835 --> 00:18:57,504
No cats for you.
484
00:18:57,537 --> 00:18:58,671
(Caroline)
You know what?
485
00:18:58,705 --> 00:19:01,241
You are a self-absorbed,
ridiculous pig.
486
00:19:01,274 --> 00:19:01,908
Says you.
487
00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:03,310
And your assistant.
488
00:19:03,343 --> 00:19:06,646
Check your email.
489
00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:08,481
I was able to unsend it.
490
00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:10,583
Yay!
491
00:19:10,617 --> 00:19:14,887
Yeah, might want to re-ignite
that linkedin profile.
492
00:19:14,921 --> 00:19:16,923
You're gonna be home a lot more,
you want a cat?
493
00:19:16,956 --> 00:19:18,258
- [Gasps] [Kittens meowing]
494
00:19:23,863 --> 00:19:25,365
Thanks for taking the kittens,
han.
495
00:19:25,398 --> 00:19:26,809
I feel like you have
an understanding
496
00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:29,936
of small creatures,
being one yourself.
497
00:19:29,969 --> 00:19:32,905
Have no fear, my building
is loaded with lesbians.
498
00:19:32,939 --> 00:19:34,341
They take home rescue cats
499
00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:37,277
faster than they take home
other lesbians.
500
00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:39,379
Okay, let's discuss my terms.
501
00:19:39,412 --> 00:19:40,813
Unlike all my
non-animal children,
502
00:19:40,847 --> 00:19:43,283
I want to know
they're taken care of.
503
00:19:43,316 --> 00:19:45,885
What part of lesbian
don't you understand?
504
00:19:45,918 --> 00:19:49,289
They'll be swaddled
in a flannel shirt by nightfall.
505
00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:52,292
Okay, now this one,
i call junkie.
506
00:19:52,325 --> 00:19:54,694
'Cause he's got a serious
catnip problem.
507
00:19:54,727 --> 00:19:57,330
Oh, so you raised a drug addict
within a week.
508
00:19:57,364 --> 00:19:58,731
Sounds about right.
509
00:19:58,765 --> 00:20:00,700
These two should try
and stay together.
510
00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:03,503
We call them game of thrones one
511
00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:04,837
and game of thrones two.
512
00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:08,241
'Cause they're siblings
and lovers.
513
00:20:08,275 --> 00:20:09,509
This one's the boy.
514
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:14,247
Watch him and learn
what humping looks like.
515
00:20:14,281 --> 00:20:15,848
This one's pretty bland.
516
00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:17,584
She lays around,
doesn't meow much,
517
00:20:17,617 --> 00:20:20,587
and when she does,
she's kind of phoning it in.
518
00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:22,555
We call her Amy Adams.
519
00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:23,756
Yep.
520
00:20:23,790 --> 00:20:26,293
This last one gets
special attention.
521
00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:28,728
She's the smallest,
but she's got potential.
522
00:20:28,761 --> 00:20:31,331
I mean, look at those nipples.
523
00:20:31,364 --> 00:20:34,734
And now the nipples
are all I see.
524
00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:35,802
Have a nice life.
525
00:20:35,835 --> 00:20:37,504
I'll find you on instagram.
526
00:20:37,537 --> 00:20:38,505
Check out grumpy cat.
527
00:20:38,538 --> 00:20:39,539
Do what he does.
528
00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:40,773
Well, bye, kitties.
529
00:20:40,807 --> 00:20:44,043
And remember,
stripping isn't dancing.
530
00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:48,415
And now all I can see is them
wearing pasties.
531
00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:49,482
You know what, Max?
532
00:20:49,516 --> 00:20:51,584
We don't need that rich guy
to fix our business.
533
00:20:51,618 --> 00:20:53,486
We can do it ourselves.
534
00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:55,063
Who am I kidding?
Our business is in worse shape
535
00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:57,957
than two retired guys
in a golf cart.
536
00:20:57,990 --> 00:20:59,659
Well, you know
what we'd better fix?
537
00:20:59,692 --> 00:21:00,927
Nancy.
538
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:02,629
'Cause he was right,
she's a slut.
539
00:21:02,662 --> 00:21:06,866
Someone just found her 69-ing
a tabby in the alley.
540
00:21:06,899 --> 00:21:08,935
[Cash register bell dings]
38763
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