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1
00:00:02,370 --> 00:00:06,640
Welcome to the williamsburg
diner awards night!
2
00:00:06,674 --> 00:00:10,578
And here's your host,
Neil Patrick hairless!
3
00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:13,181
This is the night
where everyone is recognized
4
00:00:13,214 --> 00:00:16,184
for their, well...
Let's call it work.
5
00:00:16,217 --> 00:00:17,785
Nice suit, han.
6
00:00:17,818 --> 00:00:20,388
I loved you in the penguins
of Madagascar.
7
00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:22,790
Here we go.
The award for
8
00:00:22,823 --> 00:00:25,726
worst excuse for being
late to work goes to...
9
00:00:25,759 --> 00:00:29,663
Earl, for:
"I died."
10
00:00:29,697 --> 00:00:31,265
It was true.
11
00:00:31,299 --> 00:00:35,336
I was dead
for a full 60 seconds.
12
00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:37,705
And the foreign film award
goes to...
13
00:00:37,738 --> 00:00:41,675
Oleg, for always being
covered in a foreign film.
14
00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:45,146
Yeah. I have so many
bacteria to thank...
15
00:00:45,179 --> 00:00:48,749
But a special shout-out
to streptococcus!
16
00:00:48,782 --> 00:00:51,685
And the winner for best lie
told to get a bigger tip
17
00:00:51,719 --> 00:00:53,087
goes to...
18
00:00:53,121 --> 00:00:54,622
Good luck, girl.
19
00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:57,425
It's an honor to share
this category with you.
20
00:00:57,458 --> 00:01:00,594
It's Max...
For showing customers pictures
21
00:01:00,628 --> 00:01:03,697
of her three small children
on a regular basis.
22
00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:05,599
Wow. Oh!
23
00:01:05,633 --> 00:01:08,269
This award is dedicated
to the lights of my life...
24
00:01:08,302 --> 00:01:10,271
Maxine, Max Jr.,
25
00:01:10,304 --> 00:01:12,873
and maxi-pad.
26
00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:16,277
I know only one of you
can see and hear me,
27
00:01:16,310 --> 00:01:21,215
so please tell the others
i... Love... You.
28
00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:26,354
And the award for
best waitress goes to...
29
00:01:26,387 --> 00:01:27,355
It better not!
30
00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:29,757
Caroline!
No!
31
00:01:31,559 --> 00:01:33,861
Well, I guess it's true...
Women only win awards
32
00:01:33,894 --> 00:01:36,830
when they take on roles
that are humiliating.
33
00:01:36,864 --> 00:01:40,634
And the best animated short
goes to han Lee!
34
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:51,255
(peter bjorn and John)
* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
35
00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:52,880
[cash register bell dings]
36
00:01:52,913 --> 00:01:57,185
* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh *
37
00:02:02,356 --> 00:02:03,624
here's your menu.
38
00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:04,901
I'll be right back
with your water
39
00:02:04,925 --> 00:02:06,194
and a stomach pump.
40
00:02:06,227 --> 00:02:08,329
Keep it.
I know what I want.
41
00:02:08,362 --> 00:02:09,730
Me too.
But it just seems like
42
00:02:09,763 --> 00:02:13,167
Taylor swift
is never going away.
43
00:02:15,536 --> 00:02:18,839
You're funny. Yeah.
I'm not in the mood for funny.
44
00:02:20,508 --> 00:02:23,277
I will take tomato soup,
house salad,
45
00:02:23,311 --> 00:02:26,947
extra croutons.
And you can charge me extra...
46
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:29,683
If you have no heart
behind those gazongas.
47
00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:32,753
It's cool.
The guy at the counter
48
00:02:32,786 --> 00:02:35,423
has no teeth,
so you can have his.
49
00:02:35,456 --> 00:02:38,526
Less funny... more salad.
Right?
50
00:02:38,559 --> 00:02:41,295
Maybe the blonde one
should bring it.
51
00:02:41,329 --> 00:02:42,963
Oh, you want her to bring it?
52
00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:45,499
Maybe clear your calendar.
53
00:02:45,533 --> 00:02:47,768
Uh, the lady in the booth
doesn't like my attitude
54
00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:50,404
and wants you,
so I guess what I'm saying is
55
00:02:50,438 --> 00:02:52,640
I still got it!
56
00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:56,310
Wait, a customer asked for me
and didn't follow it with,
57
00:02:56,344 --> 00:02:58,412
"I'd also like to see
the manager"?
58
00:02:58,446 --> 00:02:59,780
That's a first for me!
59
00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:01,849
Yo, blondie!
60
00:03:01,882 --> 00:03:03,217
Croutons!
61
00:03:04,285 --> 00:03:05,419
[Ding ding]
62
00:03:05,453 --> 00:03:07,555
Pick up.
Tomato soup, house salad.
63
00:03:07,588 --> 00:03:11,492
And I'm also running
a special on d batteries.
64
00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:13,461
Buy both, and I'll thrown in
this bootleg copy
65
00:03:13,494 --> 00:03:15,729
of horrible bosses ii.
66
00:03:17,331 --> 00:03:19,967
Here comes
horrible bosses too small.
67
00:03:21,602 --> 00:03:24,872
Need some new batteries
to keep walking and talking?
68
00:03:24,905 --> 00:03:29,477
No, Max, I'm not powered
by double ds like you.
69
00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:38,319
Preach.
70
00:03:38,352 --> 00:03:40,688
Don't buy batteries
from that guy
71
00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:43,857
unless you want your heart
to stop on the bus.
72
00:03:46,327 --> 00:03:48,729
Oleg, this is supposed
to have extra croutons.
73
00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:49,963
It's for my regular.
74
00:03:49,997 --> 00:03:52,600
Yeah, you heard me.
It happened.
75
00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:54,868
Oh, no, "extra croutons"
is here again?
76
00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:56,904
Make sure you charge her extra.
77
00:03:56,937 --> 00:03:59,740
I'm not made of stale bread!
78
00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:01,975
No, you're made of legos, right?
79
00:04:02,009 --> 00:04:03,744
We are not charging her extra.
80
00:04:03,777 --> 00:04:05,613
She looks like
she can't afford it.
81
00:04:05,646 --> 00:04:07,881
If she could,
why would she be eating here?
82
00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:09,617
Well, don't judge
a book by its cover.
83
00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:11,561
People look at me and...
Think you're bad in bed?
84
00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,020
What's your point?
85
00:04:13,053 --> 00:04:15,956
For your information, Max,
I'm not bad in bed.
86
00:04:15,989 --> 00:04:19,960
In fact, I'm quite the stud
in my sims community.
87
00:04:19,993 --> 00:04:24,031
You wouldn't be a stud
in a retirement community.
88
00:04:24,064 --> 00:04:26,334
[Bell dings]
89
00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:28,869
Hi!
Here's your salad...
90
00:04:28,902 --> 00:04:31,472
Uh... Five, six,
seven, eight, nine, ten.
91
00:04:31,505 --> 00:04:33,374
Uh, continue.
92
00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:34,975
And I wanted to introduce
myself.
93
00:04:35,008 --> 00:04:36,777
I'm Caroline,
you're regular waitress.
94
00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:38,346
Ah.
95
00:04:38,379 --> 00:04:40,748
Oh! My turn.
Sorry.
96
00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:43,451
I live alone,
and my plants aren't this needy.
97
00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:44,918
I'm Nola.
98
00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:47,455
And this is Max.
Max, this is Nola.
99
00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:48,922
'Sup, Lola?
100
00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:50,458
It's Nola.
101
00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:52,926
See, this is why
i like the blonde one.
102
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:54,795
She listens.
103
00:04:54,828 --> 00:04:57,064
May I please have a cheesecake?
104
00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:58,666
Sure. And thank you, Nola.
105
00:04:58,699 --> 00:05:00,934
I think it's important
to listen to people.
106
00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:03,437
Coming right back
with that cherry pie.
107
00:05:06,374 --> 00:05:08,376
I'll tell her if she
ever stops listening.
108
00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:12,079
I think Nola knows
I'm more than just a waitress.
109
00:05:12,112 --> 00:05:14,081
She can see
right through this uniform.
110
00:05:14,114 --> 00:05:17,317
And so can I...
In just the right light.
111
00:05:18,919 --> 00:05:21,422
Close the door!
Oh, my god!
112
00:05:21,455 --> 00:05:22,556
Sophie, you scared me!
113
00:05:22,590 --> 00:05:24,091
You're scared?
114
00:05:24,124 --> 00:05:27,595
I just saw the expiration
date on this milk!
115
00:05:27,628 --> 00:05:28,962
Come on, close it, quick!
116
00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:31,131
I'm in here hiding from Oleg.
117
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:32,833
If you wanna get away from Oleg,
118
00:05:32,866 --> 00:05:35,736
just go anywhere
they sell floss.
119
00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:38,372
I think that Oleg
is cheating on me.
120
00:05:38,406 --> 00:05:39,607
Look.
Oh, god!
121
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:42,042
Now she's gonna start
whipping it out?
122
00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:43,611
Look...
123
00:05:43,644 --> 00:05:46,013
He has a second secret phone.
124
00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:48,516
It's a boner phone.
125
00:05:48,549 --> 00:05:50,751
You mean a burner phone.
126
00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:52,453
Same thing.
127
00:05:52,486 --> 00:05:53,787
Sophie, how do you know
128
00:05:53,821 --> 00:05:55,399
he just doesn't use it
for long distance or...
129
00:05:55,423 --> 00:05:57,925
Or for the woman
that I'm calling right now?
130
00:05:57,958 --> 00:05:59,927
Oh, put her on speaker.
131
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:03,030
I've nothing else to do.
I'm at work.
132
00:06:03,063 --> 00:06:05,566
(Woman)
Da? Oleg?
133
00:06:05,599 --> 00:06:08,368
[Grunts hoarsely]
Uh... Ah...
134
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:15,809
(Woman)
Oleg?
135
00:06:15,843 --> 00:06:18,812
[Hoarsely]
Uhh... Ah!
136
00:06:18,846 --> 00:06:23,183
That...
Is a terrible Oleg.
137
00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:26,153
He is not that articulate.
138
00:06:26,186 --> 00:06:29,189
[Woman speaking in Russian]
139
00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:33,160
Hah! That old whore!
140
00:06:33,193 --> 00:06:35,529
What did she say?
141
00:06:35,563 --> 00:06:37,965
I have no idea!
142
00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:39,733
I don't speak Russian, but...
143
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:42,803
I do speak "old whore."
144
00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:45,573
Tell me, what is his problem?
145
00:06:45,606 --> 00:06:49,042
He has a sweet,
young filly like me at home
146
00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:51,745
and he needs to go out and plow
147
00:06:51,779 --> 00:06:54,948
some old Russian field?
148
00:06:57,217 --> 00:07:00,788
Well... I'd ask what
you three are doing in here,
149
00:07:00,821 --> 00:07:02,490
but it's never gonna top
150
00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:04,958
what I'm imagining
you're doing in here.
151
00:07:09,997 --> 00:07:12,800
I can't believe
Nola didn't come in tonight.
152
00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:15,636
This is exactly what happened
with my Starbucks barista guy.
153
00:07:15,669 --> 00:07:18,939
One minute, he's suggestively
arranging the bananas at me,
154
00:07:18,972 --> 00:07:21,509
and then next minute,
he's face-down,
155
00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:23,577
dead in a puddle of soy milk.
156
00:07:23,611 --> 00:07:25,679
Max, what if something
happened to her?
157
00:07:25,713 --> 00:07:27,815
More croutons for us!
158
00:07:27,848 --> 00:07:29,983
She said, "I'll see you
tomorrow."
159
00:07:30,017 --> 00:07:32,520
That doesn't mean anything.
It's just an expression
160
00:07:32,553 --> 00:07:35,823
like, "employees
must wash hands."
161
00:07:35,856 --> 00:07:40,561
Or...
Or, "the baby is yours."
162
00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:42,530
Hey, everybody!
163
00:07:44,632 --> 00:07:46,867
Oh, Sophie, it's just you.
164
00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:48,869
You're poor!
165
00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:50,571
And now we're even.
166
00:07:50,604 --> 00:07:52,706
Look, I stole it again.
Where's Oleg?
167
00:07:52,740 --> 00:07:54,207
I'll tell you where he's not...
168
00:07:54,241 --> 00:07:56,176
Culinary school.
169
00:07:56,209 --> 00:07:57,745
He's on break.
170
00:07:57,778 --> 00:08:00,914
Oh, she's gonna be sorry!
171
00:08:00,948 --> 00:08:04,652
Oh... No one comes between
Sophie and her man.
172
00:08:04,685 --> 00:08:07,621
You know... Unless
we pay them to.
173
00:08:09,757 --> 00:08:11,559
Couple things...
174
00:08:11,592 --> 00:08:14,862
A... does anyone
ever work here?
175
00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:17,931
Caroline, stop worrying.
Extra croutons is fine.
176
00:08:17,965 --> 00:08:21,234
She just called to order
some diner food to be delivered.
177
00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:24,972
Oh! So she wants to die
at home.
178
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:27,207
I said we don't do deliveries.
179
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:29,209
I told her you two
can barely get the food
180
00:08:29,242 --> 00:08:31,945
from the window to the tables!
181
00:08:36,884 --> 00:08:38,786
Max, I had to stop by
182
00:08:38,819 --> 00:08:40,754
and bring Nola her salad
and croutons.
183
00:08:40,788 --> 00:08:43,156
I mean, she's kind of
my biggest fan right now.
184
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:46,159
True...'Cause you just
lost me.
185
00:08:46,193 --> 00:08:48,562
I know you think this is crazy,
186
00:08:48,596 --> 00:08:50,898
but there's something about
the way Nola looks at me.
187
00:08:50,931 --> 00:08:53,000
It's like she's seeing
something in me.
188
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:55,636
The woman wears
two pairs of glasses.
189
00:08:55,669 --> 00:08:58,972
To her, you're just a chatty
yellow and orange blur.
190
00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:02,309
I was told you didn't deliver.
191
00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:05,646
By who, her old boyfriends?
192
00:09:05,679 --> 00:09:08,281
Are you two
gonna kill me or something?
193
00:09:08,315 --> 00:09:10,050
Because if you are,
194
00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:13,053
I would like to put on
a different hat.
195
00:09:13,086 --> 00:09:14,855
No, no, no.
She got worried.
196
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,657
See, you're her first regular.
197
00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:18,325
I'm just here for the story.
198
00:09:18,358 --> 00:09:20,594
I figured there'd be something
freaky behind this door
199
00:09:20,628 --> 00:09:24,197
like a 50-foot python
and what's left of the ups guy.
200
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:26,333
And Earl guessed you were a man.
201
00:09:26,366 --> 00:09:28,068
No man.
202
00:09:28,101 --> 00:09:31,872
No, just me in here with
my vagina and my photographs.
203
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,741
Oh! You're a photographer?
204
00:09:33,774 --> 00:09:35,142
I love photography!
205
00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:36,944
And I love privacy.
206
00:09:36,977 --> 00:09:38,679
And I love pot.
207
00:09:38,712 --> 00:09:40,948
Oh, I thought
we were going around.
208
00:09:40,981 --> 00:09:43,183
Come on.
You better come in too.
209
00:09:43,216 --> 00:09:45,886
You're the yin to her yap.
210
00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:47,287
Hey, careful where you step.
211
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,957
I can't find
my third pair of glasses.
212
00:09:49,990 --> 00:09:52,926
It's on top of your hat.
No, that's my fourth pair.
213
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,828
Hey!
214
00:09:54,862 --> 00:09:56,697
This is Billy the bum!
215
00:09:56,730 --> 00:09:59,199
He used to live in a box around
the corner from my apartment.
216
00:09:59,232 --> 00:10:00,834
He even let me stay over once
217
00:10:00,868 --> 00:10:02,646
when I had to get away
from this bad roommate.
218
00:10:02,670 --> 00:10:05,238
Oh, the one before me?
No, it was you.
219
00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:08,108
You two are a riot together.
220
00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:12,245
You remind me of me
and my old photographer friend
221
00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:13,781
Annie leibovitz.
222
00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:15,115
Course, this was before...
223
00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:16,817
Before she got famous?
224
00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:19,052
No.
Before she hit on me.
225
00:10:19,086 --> 00:10:21,922
I told her i wasn't into girls.
226
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:25,225
But... I think she was
confused by the derby.
227
00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:28,095
Yeah. I think we're all
a little confused by it.
228
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:31,198
Nola, I want to ask you
if you've ever had any success,
229
00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:33,867
but I don't know how to
do that without insulting you.
230
00:10:33,901 --> 00:10:36,303
That's correct.
You don't.
231
00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:42,275
Oh! You're having
a gallery show in soho?
232
00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:44,111
Good-bye.
233
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,946
Uh, it was nice of you two
234
00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:48,215
to, uh, come over, check on me.
235
00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:50,718
Uh... Weird, but nice.
236
00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:53,153
Perhaps we could come
to the opening.
237
00:10:53,186 --> 00:10:55,422
Oh. Oh, you don't
need to do that.
238
00:10:55,455 --> 00:10:57,190
I know we don't need to,
239
00:10:57,224 --> 00:10:59,426
but maybe I want to support
you and your amazing work.
240
00:10:59,459 --> 00:11:01,204
And Max would enjoy.
The free wine.
Yes, I would.
241
00:11:01,228 --> 00:11:02,195
[Laughs]
No.
242
00:11:02,229 --> 00:11:04,064
Oh, I would.
243
00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:07,234
No as in, "no, don't come."
244
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:08,969
Now, if you'll excuse me,
245
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:10,437
I wanna eat my croutons
246
00:11:10,470 --> 00:11:12,806
without the vaudeville stylings
247
00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:14,674
of shecky and nosy.
248
00:11:19,479 --> 00:11:20,981
Here.
249
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:23,751
Oh, yeah, good.
I was looking for this.
250
00:11:31,491 --> 00:11:33,160
I can't believe
you're doing all this
251
00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:34,762
for a diner regular.
252
00:11:34,795 --> 00:11:36,797
I haven't seen you
this desperate since Monday,
253
00:11:36,830 --> 00:11:39,933
Tuesday, Wednesday,
Thursday, and Friday.
254
00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:42,469
I know... on the weekends,
i just give up.
255
00:11:42,502 --> 00:11:44,938
Look that title!
256
00:11:44,972 --> 00:11:46,473
"The great unwashed."
257
00:11:46,506 --> 00:11:49,376
Are Oleg's balls here?
258
00:11:51,812 --> 00:11:54,381
Max, it's the "art scene."
259
00:11:54,414 --> 00:11:57,184
Class it up.
At least say testicles.
260
00:11:57,217 --> 00:11:58,952
Evening, ladies.
261
00:11:58,986 --> 00:12:00,854
Earl, what are you doing here?
262
00:12:00,888 --> 00:12:05,092
And, han, your sweater's
eating your head.
263
00:12:05,125 --> 00:12:06,994
I'm here for the champagne
264
00:12:07,027 --> 00:12:11,398
and because I couldn't
find my way out.
265
00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:16,103
I just walked into
a picture of a door.
266
00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:19,940
Some of these are going
for thousands of dollars!
267
00:12:19,973 --> 00:12:21,975
That Nola bitch is rich,
and I bet she has
268
00:12:22,009 --> 00:12:25,913
a frigging summer house
made out of my free croutons!
269
00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:30,283
Han, it's the art scene.
Class it up.
270
00:12:30,317 --> 00:12:34,487
At least say "freaking."
Also, "testicles."
271
00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:37,457
Well, I'm not wasting
this new turtleneck on you two.
272
00:12:37,490 --> 00:12:39,259
I'm going to go mingle.
273
00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:41,561
A high fashion model
was giving me the eye.
274
00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:44,097
Then she'd have to be high.
275
00:12:44,131 --> 00:12:48,168
Uh, han, I believe
I'll stay here.
276
00:12:48,201 --> 00:12:50,337
Nobody wins with a teenage
mutant ninja turtle
277
00:12:50,370 --> 00:12:52,239
as a wingman.
278
00:12:54,141 --> 00:12:55,542
Oh, hey, everybody.
279
00:12:55,575 --> 00:12:57,110
Hey, Sophie.
Hey, Oleg.
280
00:12:57,144 --> 00:13:00,247
So can I class it back down now?
281
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,549
Sorry we're late.
I was just over there
282
00:13:02,582 --> 00:13:06,353
admiring the photo of the happy
couple under the bridge.
283
00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:08,889
Happy couple?
Sophie, they're two junkies
284
00:13:08,922 --> 00:13:11,024
sharing a needle.
285
00:13:11,058 --> 00:13:12,559
Yeah, well,
286
00:13:12,592 --> 00:13:16,363
at least the lady junkie
knows where his needle's been.
287
00:13:16,396 --> 00:13:18,565
I don't even think
she knows her name.
288
00:13:18,598 --> 00:13:21,001
Well, she knows more
than she's letting on.
289
00:13:21,034 --> 00:13:23,103
She knows everything.
290
00:13:24,337 --> 00:13:26,139
Hey, you guys have
been here a while.
291
00:13:26,173 --> 00:13:28,175
Where's the best place
to steal some food?
292
00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:29,910
Max!
Sorry, sorry.
293
00:13:29,943 --> 00:13:34,014
Classing it up:
Testicles some food?
294
00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:37,150
Oh, Max, I can tell
by your sassy demeanor
295
00:13:37,184 --> 00:13:39,519
you haven't seen your photo yet.
296
00:13:39,552 --> 00:13:43,556
What photo? I haven't
bounced any checks here.
297
00:13:45,625 --> 00:13:48,595
Yep, that's me, all right.
298
00:13:48,628 --> 00:13:51,164
I recognize
that "i don't care" pout
299
00:13:51,198 --> 00:13:54,868
and the thousand island
dressing in my hair.
300
00:13:54,902 --> 00:13:56,636
Max, just because
you're hanging on a wall
301
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:59,539
among the poorest,
most lost souls in our city
302
00:13:59,572 --> 00:14:02,475
doesn't mean
that your life is...
303
00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:05,845
I'm hanging
right behind me, aren't I?
304
00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:09,883
Oh, my god!
305
00:14:09,917 --> 00:14:12,886
It could be worse.
You could be naked.
306
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:14,888
This is worse than being naked!
307
00:14:14,922 --> 00:14:17,490
I'm wearing polyester!
308
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:19,492
It's bad enough
I'm a waitress in Brooklyn.
309
00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:21,661
Now I'm a waitress in Manhattan,
310
00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:24,497
and these guys didn't even tip!
311
00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:26,499
No, no, no, it's a photograph,
312
00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:28,368
so it's more symbolic.
313
00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:31,671
It's called "waitress"
314
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:33,974
and I'm holding a check pad.
315
00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:36,676
What do all these
blue dots mean?
316
00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:39,646
Is my picture in trouble?
317
00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:42,549
That's how many times
your print has been purchased.
318
00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:49,256
Over here, Max, away from that
319
00:14:49,289 --> 00:14:52,159
pathetic blonde lady
in the waitress uniform.
320
00:14:52,192 --> 00:14:55,062
Will you relax?
No one even recognized you.
321
00:14:55,095 --> 00:14:57,564
No one?
What about that art critic
322
00:14:57,597 --> 00:14:59,199
who said that
"my smile on the photo
323
00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:02,169
"was a study of tragic,
foolish optimism
324
00:15:02,202 --> 00:15:05,238
in a hopeless,
dead-end life"?
325
00:15:06,606 --> 00:15:09,209
Oh, him.
326
00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:10,610
"Hopeless, dead-end life"?
327
00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:12,980
And then worse, no one buys me?
328
00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:15,582
I'm not even a success
as a failure?
329
00:15:15,615 --> 00:15:19,519
You're totally
a success as a failure.
330
00:15:19,552 --> 00:15:21,354
Then where are all
the blue dots, Max?
331
00:15:21,388 --> 00:15:23,556
15 people bought you.
332
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:26,126
Whatever you do,
don't turn around.
333
00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:28,328
Look at these dots!
334
00:15:31,331 --> 00:15:34,434
I am going home
with all these people...
335
00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:37,237
Men, women, black, white.
336
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:39,973
It's like a key party
at Joe namath's house
337
00:15:40,007 --> 00:15:42,209
in the '70s.
338
00:15:47,047 --> 00:15:48,548
Hey, shecky!
339
00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:51,584
Why are you putting a dot
by your friend's photo?
340
00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:54,287
Uh, how many extra croutons
can you buy
341
00:15:54,321 --> 00:15:57,190
with the buttload of money
you're making from these photos?
342
00:15:57,224 --> 00:15:59,426
A buttload.
Okay, okay.
343
00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:02,062
I get it, you're mad.
Tell you what.
344
00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:05,332
I will give you
a free print of your photo.
345
00:16:05,365 --> 00:16:07,200
Look, keep the photo.
346
00:16:07,234 --> 00:16:10,070
I don't want a picture
of me marrying ketchups.
347
00:16:10,103 --> 00:16:12,739
I don't want a picture of me
marrying anybody.
348
00:16:12,772 --> 00:16:15,208
But you can pay me back
another way.
349
00:16:15,242 --> 00:16:17,344
I told you, I'm not a lesbian.
350
00:16:17,377 --> 00:16:19,346
I just wear hats.
351
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:24,751
Your friend says
you hate your photo.
352
00:16:24,784 --> 00:16:26,119
No.
353
00:16:26,153 --> 00:16:28,355
I enjoy being
secretly photographed
354
00:16:28,388 --> 00:16:31,758
while I'm stealing someone
extra, extra croutons.
355
00:16:31,791 --> 00:16:33,260
For the record,
356
00:16:33,293 --> 00:16:36,229
I never saw your smile
as foolish.
357
00:16:36,263 --> 00:16:37,764
I saw it as, uh...
358
00:16:37,797 --> 00:16:39,632
Just a little big.
359
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:42,635
Uh... I'm trying to
pay you a compliment.
360
00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:44,604
Well, you failed.
361
00:16:44,637 --> 00:16:47,274
All this time,
when you looked at me,
362
00:16:47,307 --> 00:16:49,242
I thought you saw
something special,
363
00:16:49,276 --> 00:16:52,079
but all you really saw was
someone reading the specials.
364
00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:54,481
I have a question for you.
365
00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:57,184
Okay, fine.
I wear the derby
366
00:16:57,217 --> 00:17:00,453
because I have a little
bit of a bald spot.
367
00:17:01,588 --> 00:17:03,390
Why didn't I sell?
368
00:17:03,423 --> 00:17:05,325
The picture sucks.
369
00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:07,060
One of my worst.
370
00:17:07,094 --> 00:17:08,804
If you're still trying
to give me a compliment,
371
00:17:08,828 --> 00:17:10,263
you're still failing.
372
00:17:10,297 --> 00:17:12,399
Look, a good photograph
373
00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:14,401
captures the truth.
374
00:17:14,434 --> 00:17:17,237
And I guess
no one really believes
375
00:17:17,270 --> 00:17:19,339
you as a waitress.
376
00:17:21,308 --> 00:17:24,844
That is the single nicest
thing anyone's ever said to me.
377
00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:27,380
So it's not where
you wanna be... i get it.
378
00:17:27,414 --> 00:17:31,251
Look, it's taken me 50 years
to be where I am.
379
00:17:31,284 --> 00:17:35,155
And you are still so young.
380
00:17:35,188 --> 00:17:37,257
That is
the second-nicest thing
381
00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:39,259
anyone's ever said to me!
382
00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:42,529
The road is long, and trust me,
383
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:45,732
it can be really hard.
384
00:17:45,765 --> 00:17:47,667
So whatever you do,
385
00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:51,138
you hold on to that
foolishly hopeful smile.
386
00:17:51,171 --> 00:17:55,375
And... Your funny friend.
387
00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:57,510
Yes?
Yes.
388
00:17:57,544 --> 00:18:01,314
Uh, everyone,
tonight we are witness
389
00:18:01,348 --> 00:18:03,816
to the amazing work
390
00:18:03,850 --> 00:18:05,685
of Nola anderz.
391
00:18:05,718 --> 00:18:07,554
[Applause]
392
00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:09,822
Why don't we all
just stand here quietly
393
00:18:09,856 --> 00:18:14,627
for a moment
and let Nola's pictures speak.
394
00:18:16,629 --> 00:18:18,398
[Cell phone ringing]
395
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:20,467
That's my phone.
Where is it?
396
00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:23,170
[Ringing]
397
00:18:23,203 --> 00:18:26,739
Baby, why is my phone
in your bra?
398
00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:28,541
Shh, please!
399
00:18:28,575 --> 00:18:31,744
It's your secret phone!
I know all about it.
400
00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:34,181
[Ringing]
You took it?
Give it to me.
401
00:18:34,214 --> 00:18:37,284
Who is she, Oleg?
Who is this skanky old whore?
402
00:18:37,317 --> 00:18:39,152
Security!
Security!
403
00:18:40,653 --> 00:18:42,755
What... no, no, no!
Stop, stop... she has my phone.
404
00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:44,491
It's his boner phone, everybody!
405
00:18:44,524 --> 00:18:46,193
It's his boner phone!
406
00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:51,364
And you had the testicles
to think
407
00:18:51,398 --> 00:18:54,133
I was gonna embarrass you.
408
00:18:58,738 --> 00:18:59,706
Hey, Sophie.
409
00:18:59,739 --> 00:19:01,274
Hey, girls.
410
00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:02,775
Did you hear that?
411
00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:05,412
It sounds a little
bit like... I don't know.
412
00:19:05,445 --> 00:19:08,181
The sound of cheating.
413
00:19:08,215 --> 00:19:10,250
You guys haven't made up yet?
414
00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:11,684
Don't make up here.
415
00:19:11,718 --> 00:19:13,853
No. I slept
on the couch.
416
00:19:13,886 --> 00:19:15,922
I missed her so much,
i watched a romcom
417
00:19:15,955 --> 00:19:19,526
while eating a whole box
of her edible underwear.
418
00:19:19,559 --> 00:19:22,195
Still not talking to me, Sophie?
419
00:19:22,229 --> 00:19:25,398
For the last time,
there's nobody else but you.
420
00:19:25,432 --> 00:19:27,667
I use that phone...
Yes?
421
00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:29,469
To...
Go on.
422
00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:31,938
I use it to call...
Cut to the chase!
423
00:19:31,971 --> 00:19:33,973
My mother.
424
00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:37,444
Is there no one
he won't sleep with?
425
00:19:37,477 --> 00:19:39,279
I didn't tell you because
426
00:19:39,312 --> 00:19:41,281
I didn't want you to think
i was a mama's boy.
427
00:19:41,314 --> 00:19:43,950
Except when we play
"mama and boy."
428
00:19:43,983 --> 00:19:45,718
Well...
429
00:19:45,752 --> 00:19:47,554
I'll tell you
what I told that girl
430
00:19:47,587 --> 00:19:49,822
at the yankee candle store.
431
00:19:49,856 --> 00:19:52,425
"I'm not buyin' it!"
432
00:19:52,459 --> 00:19:54,561
It's true, Sophie.
433
00:19:54,594 --> 00:19:57,664
I'm afraid I'm...
Losing my hair.
434
00:19:59,466 --> 00:20:01,568
Oh... Oleg.
435
00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:03,736
But don't you know...
436
00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:07,707
I mean, you could be
balder than Jeremy piven was
437
00:20:07,740 --> 00:20:12,445
15 years ago,
and I'd still love ya.
438
00:20:12,479 --> 00:20:17,350
[Phone ringing]
439
00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:19,452
Where's my...
[Ringing]
440
00:20:19,486 --> 00:20:22,589
Busted.
441
00:20:22,622 --> 00:20:25,992
Caroline,
i have something for you.
442
00:20:26,025 --> 00:20:27,994
I'm not signing
another one of those
443
00:20:28,027 --> 00:20:30,763
giant birthday cards again.
444
00:20:35,535 --> 00:20:37,604
It's my picture.
445
00:20:37,637 --> 00:20:40,740
Great. Now I have two of you
that don't wait on tables.
446
00:20:40,773 --> 00:20:43,276
"Thanks for the croutons.
Nola."
447
00:20:43,310 --> 00:20:45,345
Max, where are we gonna hang me?
448
00:20:45,378 --> 00:20:47,022
Maybe you should hang yourself
in the bathroom
449
00:20:47,046 --> 00:20:49,582
like I thought you would
three years ago.
450
00:20:49,616 --> 00:20:52,685
Yep. I lost $20 on that bet.
451
00:20:52,719 --> 00:20:53,920
You know, Max,
452
00:20:53,953 --> 00:20:56,656
maybe I have to stop running
away from this part of my life
453
00:20:56,689 --> 00:20:59,292
and embrace it,
see it as part of my journey,
454
00:20:59,326 --> 00:21:01,894
my... Beautiful,
exciting journey.
455
00:21:01,928 --> 00:21:05,532
If you don't shut up,
I'm gonna hang you right here.
456
00:21:08,435 --> 00:21:09,702
[Cha-ching]
32802
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