All language subtitles for 2.Broke.Girls.S04E11.And.the.Crime.Ring.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DD5.1.x264-CasStudio_track3_[eng]

(Max)
Ah, it's like I'm back
in my mother's womb.

Only, there's food here.

(Caroline)
Ugh, those e-cigs
are so stupid.

I mean, smoking real cigarettes
kills you,

but smoking fake ones
makes me want to kill you.

They're not smoking.
They're vaping.

(Max)
Uh-oh.
He just passed it to her.

Someone's getting date vaped.

I just figured out
the new phones.

Now I've got to figure out
how to smoke?

If I wanted to learn
everything all over again,

I would have had a stroke.

(Max)
Hey guys, sorry, but you're not
allowed to do that in here.

And I'm not talking about
your outfits.

I'll get to those
when I bring the check.

Relax, it's not a cigarette.

It has a battery.

Yeah, so does my vibrator,
but...

Can't use that in here either.

[Bell dinging]

I didn't approve that rule.

(peter bjorn and John)
* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh *

well, I think we ordered
too many of our cupcake tees.

There are more
unworn shirts here

than in Matthew macconaughey's
closet.

Hey, girls.

Look at me.

I got my Sunday bra on
'cause I just came from church.

Was it my church?

The church of latter-day sluts?

Oleg and I are looking
for one to get married in.

And it's got to have
a wheelchair ramp

'cause I've got a lot of cousins
who were born without leg bones.

I'm so excited for you, Sophie.

You deserve all the happiness
in the world.

I mean, so do I, but that's
obviously not happening.

Are you done with
your pity-party?

'Cause I got to speak to Max.

Max, do you want to be
my maid of honor?

I would rather be
eaten alive by a rabbit.

Which would take a long time
and be a lot less embarrassing.

And Sophie,
you don't really want me

to be your maid of honor.

That's right.
I don't.

So why are we even
talking about it?

Sophie, as honored as I am
that you asked,

it's just not really my thing,
you know, man?

Is this really not your thing?

It's nobody's thing.

You just do it
'cause you're supposed to,

like bleaching your teeth
or your anus.

Thank god I'm off the list,

'cause that bridesmaid spa day
is gonna be rough.

Look, I'm sorry, it's just,
i was a maid of honor

in fifth grade when my mom
married her cult leader.

And then she was
my maid of honor

when I married him a week later.

So I'm kind of maid-of-honored
out.

Maybe I'll get one of my old
sorority sisters

to be my bridesmaid.

I'm gonna go home and find out

which one is still thin enough
to fly commercial.

All right, where are we gonna
store all these shirts?

It's already too crowded in here

with all the cupcakes, shame,
and failure.

We'll sell some of these
at the cupcake window,

20 of these are already going

to that fancy boutique
in Manhattan,

and the rest,
maybe we'll get lucky

and find a gay
little league team.

Oh, I know!

Let's get drunk.

That's your solution
to everything.

Seriously.

We need to just take some
to that new bar

where idiots pay $20
for a drink.

Drunk and stupid,
that's our target audience.

And also, the special skills
I've listed on my resume.

So you're saying we're gonna
stoop so low

as to sell t-shirts
out of a duffle bag in a bar?

Yeah, we're there.

How much do you think this pays?

'Cause I can do that.

Yes, you can.

All you need is a stepladder
and boobs.

Feel like the Star Trek:
Next generation bar.

Keep your eyes peeled for
whoopi goldberg in a crazy hat.

I can't believe I'm selling
t-shirts out of a duffle bag

in the future, too.

Yeah. I fully support mixing
business and pleasure.

Best sex I ever had was
with my boss at a panera bread.

I thought you said
the best sex you ever had

was with a dude
with six fingers.

Same guy.

Man, could he make
a sandwich crazy fast.

Hi. Want to buy a cool tee
for your girlfriend?

Let me see if my girlfriend
wants a tee.

You want a tee, honey?

(Max)
Hey! Hey!

Not so fast.

They say "cream filled"
on the back.

Huh, boys?
Anything?

Wow, gays aren't fun
in the future.

Hey.

Jesus comes back in the future.

So what's in the bag?

I've never met a girl at a bar
with actual baggage.

That's funny because you mean
like emotional.

You're really beautiful.

Mmm. You weren't nearly
this hot in the book.

So can I get you ladies a drink?

Sure, you could jut change
this water into wine.

Can you, like, do this for me,
just, like, once?

Drinks on me.

Oh, lucky them.

I haven't heard I'm beautiful
from a non-homeless person

in months.

Well, with that hair,
the jury's still out.

Hey, can I kiss you?

I suppose a peck wouldn't...

Say what?

- I'm James.
- I'm wet.

Because my arm was sitting
in water on the bar.

That was so hot, Max.

I have, like, this animal
attraction to him.

What animal?
The horny nerd?

Look, I'll leave.
You stay and do your thing.

- But we came together.
- Yeah, I know you guys did.

It happened, like,
the second he kissed you.

I don't do this.
I just met him.

Look, Caroline.

I haven't read the Bible.

But I know that when Jesus
returns,

you must follow him
back to his apartment.

Let go...

Let god...

Get to third base.

Max, where's Caroline?

I haven't seen her all day.

But I'm guessing
she's in heaven.

[Footsteps approaching]

I'm here, I'm here.

Nope, she's in hell.

Walk of shame, party of one.

Girl.

Gir-irl!

Tell me everything
that happened.

Leave out no details.

It was insane.
I mean, like, so hot.

Like the Caribbean
or our shower that one time.

[Screaming]

What are you two celebrating?

I know it isn't a job well done.

We are celebrating the release

of the new star wars:
Episode vii trailer online.

Seriously?
[Giddy laughter]

Max, we did everything.

We...

Oleg, can you give us
some privacy?

What?

I can't be in the ladies' room.

I can't be in the kitchen.

So did you...

No.

Well, did you...

No!

Well, did you at least...

Oh, god, no!

Well, what did you do?

Water a plant together?

We had sex.

Last night and today.

That's a big thing for me.

And, yes, it was.

Yes. That was obvious
in the bar.

Skinny jeans are just
boner x-rays.

Oh, no.
Oh, no.

What, rat in the slaw again?

My rings.

I left them at his place.

I have to get them back.

They're half my belongings.

So just text him and say,
"yo, I left my rings,

nice wiener," "100" emoji, send.

Max, I can't text a guy first.

It's bad enough I have a groupon
for intimacy oil.

Look, worst-case scenario,
the mcrib is gone for good.

Second worst-case scenario,
we can always implement

the two-week rule.

The two-week rule?

Wait, isn't that how long
you have to eat pad thai

before it becomes bad thai?

No, you really have
to read my book.

It means if he doesn't text
for two weeks,

you can break in
and get your stuff.

All that fancy school
and you didn't learn nothing.

Two weeks and nothing.

I really thought he'd text.

I also thought grown ups 2
should have won the Oscar.

Still got it.

Come on.

[Grunts]

Wait, before I lose
the rest of my self-esteem...

Tell that to the wall
you're currently straddling.

Let me just check my phone
one more time to see if he...

Nope.

Self-esteem gone.

I'm afraid to jump.

Jump, whore, jump!

I sound like my mom
teaching me how to swim.

[Grunting]

I did it.
I did it.

That was, like, two feet.

I've snorted lines longer.

All right.

Just another Tuesday.

Going all bling ring
in Jesus' backyard.

There.
That's his bedroom window.

I know 'cause we had to close
it, since I'm kind of loud.

Oh, what are you like
during sex?

What do I do if he's home?

Do you want me to kill him fast,

or do you want him to suffer?

And by that, I mean,
do you want me to hold him

while you ask him
why he didn't call?

He's not home.

According to this instagram,
he's at chipotle

talking to a guy with a parrot
on his shoulder.

He had no time to pop off
a text to me.

Oh, it's stuck and I can't fit
my boobs through there.

I can barely fit them
through the Holland tunnel.

Fine.
I'm going in.

Finally, having no boobs
pays off.

Lift my legs up.

Okay, but your legs in the air

kind of got you here
to begin with.

- Uh-oh.
- What oh?

I don't remember him
having a floral duvet.

Or a bedside toilet.

[Barking]

[Growling]

Or a dog.
Pull me out! Pull me out!

You've got to read my book.

I have a whole chapter
on pulling out.

[Whimpering]

No, no, no, no, no!
Oh, stop licking me.

(Woman)
Buster? Buster?

Someone's coming.

Someone's coming
or getting licked?

Maybe you are
in the right apartment.

[Screaming]

Get out of my house!
Get out of my house!

No, no.
This is a big mistake.

Ben, call the cops!

We got another crack addict
here!

We don't have crack here!

We don't have crack here!
And tell your friends!

[Police sirens blaring]

If these match the prints found
at an arby's break-in in '07,

it's purely coincidental.

I can't believe
this is happening to me.

My life is over.

Look at the camera.

I'm so humiliated.

And turn to the side.

Ma'am, this isn't
"vogue: Behind bars."

Sorry, officer, she's a virgin.

Me, myself, spent some time
in the juvie system

up in Providence.

You know a family court judge
named Shelly?

No.
Go.

Oh! Officer, hold.

Thanks, but stay away during
the full-body cavity search.

Proceed.

You think?

So you girls broke into
an old lady's house,

got halfway through the window,
and stole absolutely nothing.

Glad I am protecting
the city from you.

I mean, Isis who, right?

All right.
Let's go.

If he had just texted me,
none of this would be happening.

I wouldn't be in prison,
I'd be home.

My other prison.

Uh, wait, if who had texted you?

Thanks for asking.

This guy I slept with
didn't text me

for two weeks after we had sex,
and I left my rings

at his place, so i...

You did the two-week rule?

Yeah.

But she got the wrong apartment
because, knowing her,

her eyes were closed
the whole time.

Well, why didn't you say so?

We got a two-week rule
over here!

Stay right over here.

We'll get you out soon.

I left my Billy club
at the captain's house.

He's got three more days.

See? See?

It's gonna be fine.

We'll just chill here
for an hour.

It's like an edgier
lens crafters.

What am I gonna tell my father?

A prisoned prison call?

I can't be here.

I can't be here!

No! No! Come back!
We were good!

[Alarm buzzing loudly]

Dumb move.

Dumber than me and the captain.

Let me guess, our glasses
won't be ready in an hour.

I can't believe you got us
arrested in jail.

Where are we going?

I mean, besides nowhere in life.

You girls lost your
get-out-of-jail-free card.

You're gonna have to get someone
to bail you out.

You're going
in the holding cell.

Yo! Fresh meat!

Sorry, I have a reputation
to uphold.

[Caroline whimpers]

Max, I'm scared.

I got this.

Yo! She's already my bitch!

So she can't be anyone else's.
Sorry.

Hold my belt.

- What?
- Do it!

(Max)
'Sup, 'sup?

Cool, cool.

50 women, 1 toilet?

It's like backstage at the view.

Max, I can't handle this.

I can't handle this.

I couldn't even watch
the green mile.

Relax.
This is play-jail.

It's not like we're doing
real time.

Just put on your game face.

I don't have a game face.

Unless the game is
"i give up, my life is over,"

then this will do.

Well, do something, because
that's about to get wiped off

your face by the bruiser
covered in tattoos

making her way to us right now.

Hey!

You guys signing up
for the talent show?

Excuse me?

Yeah. Some of us have been
in here for days,

due to prison overcrowding.

So the guards let us
put on a show.

As long as nobody dies.

Wow, prison has changed.

Maybe I have a Norman Rockwell
idea of prison,

but, uh, what happened to
shanking a snitch

in the food line?

Oh, a talent show,
that's not scary at all.

You know,
i won my yacht club talent show

three years in a row,
in the 10 to 13 division.

That's crazy!

I'm looking at 10 to 13
for Grand Theft Auto.

Where are my manners?

I'm tanaya.

I'm Max.
This is Caroline.

But you can call us
by our gang names,

white lightning and the blade.

Sophie, I need you to bail
me and Caroline out jail.

We got charged with
breaking and entering,

which is also what Caroline
let a guy do to her,

and that's why we're here.

Oh, jeez, Max.

I mean, that's a tough call.

I mean, I don't know if I can.

Yeah, it's really not my thing.

You know, man?

I get it.
I deserved that.

I said no to you,
so you're saying no to me.

Like the old saying,
"tit for bigger tat."

Yeah.
Hmm.

All right, let's see.

Uh, I would bail
my maid of honor out of jail.

Fine. Fine.

I'll be your maid of honor.

I'll buy you penis straws,
and those glasses

where the nose is a penis.

Yeah! And the penis-shaped
pasta?

I'll do it all.

I can handle the slammer, but
Caroline doesn't stand a chance.

I saw a woman looking at her

like she was
a cartoon pork chop.

Okay.
Well, I'll see you soon.

And watch your back.

Oh, you know what?

It's a ladies' prison,
so watch your front.

Is this your card?

No.

Yes!

Yes, that's my card.

Amazing.

Okay.
What'd I miss?

The magic show
and the improv troupe.

They asked the audience
for a word.

I said, "help."

Sophie's coming down
with bail money,

as soon as her Turkey is out
of the oven.

So 4, 4 1/2 hours,
depending on the stuffing.

Thank god.

Wait.
Bail for both of us, right?

That wasn't her original offer.

But after some negotiating,
we got there.

What did you have to do to...

Max, you didn't agree to...

Yup.

Picture me in something
low-cut and peach.

A slutty peach.

You'd do that for me?

I'm touched and shocked.

I thought you'd have forgotten
me, had sex with the door guard,

and been halfway across
the parking lot by now.

Yeah, well,
he wasn't into me, so...

Walk of shame, party of two.

Girls, I heard
you got locked up.

Yup. We have to do 30 hours
of community service.

And Caroline won six minutes
of privacy on the toilet

in the talent show.

Well, not so private.

I had to tinkle while a woman
in work boots

made heavy eye-contact.

I went to prison once
for being at the wrong place

at the wrong time.

Meaning, I was down south.

Look who's back
from the big house.

Every house is a big house
for you, han.

Watch your step, ex-con,

or I'll get the to haul you back
in for impersonating a waitress.

I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I missed this place.

When I was up in the pen, doing
time with my girl, tanaya...

Well, orange you the new black?

So did you two have fun
in ladies' prison?

And tell me, is it anything
like the 17 xxx movies

I have with that title?

Okay, so I lost two
of my best rings.

So I'm out $11.

I realized I'm tougher
than I thought.

I sang in prison.
I had a one-night stand.

I'm practically Johnny cash.

Well, Johnny no cash.

[Cash register bell dings]