All language subtitles for 2.Broke.Girls.S04E09.And.the.Past.and.the.Furious.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DD5.1.x264-CasStudio_track3_[eng]

Okay, everybody, gather round.

Who knew it was "bring
your girlfriend to work" day?

She is not my girlfriend.

Judy is a cpr doll,

and the hardest-working girl
in this diner.

Oh, han, you shouldn't bring
your sex doll out in public.

This is not my girlfriend
or sex doll!

Earl, come over.

We're going to use Judy
to learn how to resuscitate.

I have a "do not resuscitate"
clause,

as in,
i do not resuscitate others.

Oleg.

What's up, han?

Oh, hey, Judy.

How do you know Judy?

With a torso like that,
she gets around.

Okay, I will demonstrate.

Oh, no!

Judy's choking on something!

Well, we know it's not you.

First you have to tilt
the head back

and clear the airway and blow.

[Gasps]

Oh, Max, I think
we're witnessing

his first kiss.

Fourth, thank you very much.

Han, why are you wasting
your time kissing her?

She doesn't have any arms.

Just go for it.

(peter bjorn and John)
* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh *

what's up, everybody?
Big day today.

Not as big as Christmas,
but still marks the arrival

of someone very blessed: Me.

Yeah, we get it.

You talk about your birthday

more than kanye west
talks about kanye west.

Caroline, I thought
you would be crying.

Tears on your birthday
have become as expected

as an ex-Disney star going
to rehab.

Why would I be sad?

I have my health,
a business that's budding...

Boobs that aren't.

I don't believe in birthdays.

You're only as old as you feel.

Which makes me
nothing years old.

Speaking of nothing...

Caroline, are we still on
for two boots pizza tonight?

I'm closing the diner early
in honor of your birthday,

and just not because the city

has demanded to look into
the black mold situation.

Absolutely, han.

You can have one slice
with two toppings

or two slices with one topping,

and my birthday cake
is a free flan

'cause I flirted
with the dishwasher.

Caroline, sweetheart,
if I was you,

I would just put my head
through a plate glass window.

Okay, everybody.

I have two announcements,
both good news.

First, the guy who found
the beak in his sandwich

is not suing, and second,

I'm gonna pop the question
to Sophie.

Well, you've already popped
everything else.

What do you think?

They say diamonds
are a girl's best friend.

Oh, really?

I thought a girl's best friend

was someone
just a little fatter than her.

It was my grandma's from Russia.

I had my cousin svela swallow it

to bring it to America.

She passed customs,
then she passed this.

Five, six rinses later, boom!

Doody free.

Well, I guess that's better
than getting it at Kay.

Is Sophie expecting it?

Of course.

She doesn't like surprises

since her family barn
was torched

by a mentally unstable farmhand.

Hi, I have a delivery
for Caroline Channing

from Martin Channing.

Oh, it's a birthday gift
from my daddy

all the way from prison.

Last year, he made me

a macaroni art picture frame.

I mean,
the man once rented Miami

for a friend's bachelor party.

Hey, that picture frame
fed us for two days.

Yeah, well,
this thing is not pasta,

and it's too big
to fit through the door.

And so was i three months ago.

No, really.

My seat on an airplane
used to be row three.

There it is in the street.

A condom full of hamburger meat?

Oh, my god.

Is that a lamborghini?

Wait.

Is that my lamborghini?

Yeah, it's a lamborghini
aventador roadster.

Wow.

Prison arts and crafts
has gotten pretty fancy.

Well, it takes four years for
these cars to be custom-made.

This one was ordered in 2011.

That's right,
my father ordered this for me

when he still had money.

Correction: When he had
everyone else's money.

All my father ever gave me
was that one iffy chromosome.

Well, here you go.

It's all yours.

I'm gonna walk home.

It's all about healthy choices.

[Both squealing]

I got a car!

We got a car!

Damn, someone painted
the Batmobile white.

Can't we have anything?

That's a $450,000 sports car.

I know.

Add a stackable washer/dryer
and a motor home,

and it's like Caroline won
the showcase showdown.

It goes from 0 to 100
in 2.9 seconds.

And speaking of seconds,

I'm getting seconds
at two boots,

and that rich bitch is paying.

Back off, Tokyo drift.

This is our getaway car.

And by that,
i mean get away from it.

You know, a car like this
depreciates 50%

the minute you drive it
off the lot.

That's why I drive
my Toyota yaris.

Ooh la la.

[Gasps]
Is p. Diddy here?

Wait a minute.
Is it Ted Turner?

No one cool owns it.

It's Caroline's.

Now, this is the kind of car

that I would say yes
to anything in.

Anything excepts tickets
to menopause the musical.

Oh, hey, Caroline.
Nice car.

I always liked you
more than Max.

You know that, right, girl?

Really?

'Cause yesterday,
i heard you yell to Max,

[imitating sophie]
"Is Caroline turning 47 or 48?

'Cause she acts like she's 65."

Yeah.

Yeah, I wanted to know what
to write in your birthday card.

Well, everyone
away from the car.

I just got off the phone
with my dad.

The car is being seized
in the morning.

Turns out they won't let me
keep my present.

It's just like
my eighth birthday

when they made me return
mccaulay culkin.

They bought you a boy?

You were rich.

Oh, boy, the car's right here,
and you can't even use it.

That's like me having you two
for waitresses.

Caroline, can I ask you a favor?

You're not using the car
to propose to Sophie.

You heard how much she liked it.

And it's a little bit classier
than my original plan:

Dinner and a cock fight
in yonkers.

Not that I'm listening,

but I'm not gonna get
proposed to at a gay bar.

Great, now my gay bar idea
is out also.

No, Oleg.

I can't return the car
with scratches, dents,

or chlamydia.

But we can still drive it,
right?

I mean, I've been on that cream
for like a month.

Max, what is the ninth rule
of the lamborghini club?

No red drinks in the car.

Here's my number one rule:

If you're going to make me
sleep in it,

I am going to drink in it.

Well, just be careful.

I only have one clorox wipe

that has to last
till my next birthday,

and it's already lost
a lot of its moisture.

I don't see
why we have to just sit here.

We can't drive it.

My dad said
if anything happens to it,

we'll be responsible.

What could possibly happen

on a weed run to deep Tijuana?

You know, I wish
this car never came,

and I wish I never sat in it.

It's the same reason
i don't go to barneys.

I don't like to be around things
i can't afford anymore.

Same reason I don't go
to the 99 cent store.

There's a nerf tennis set

half on the floor,
half in the bin,

none of it going home with me.

I was trying to be positive
about my birthday this year,

but, Max, if things
hadn't happened with my father,

tonight would have been
a magical birthday for me.

Hey, there was some magic.

I personally made
five vodka sprites disappear.

Ta-da!

I would've got in the car
and driven out to the Hamptons,

and we'd sit on the beach
all night

having lobster caught by
one of the townies

and drink champagne
while taking duckface selfies

till the sun came up.

Fyi, I'm the townie
in this scenario,

and I hate all of you.

Instead of doing any of that,
I'm having the worst birthday.

I probably feel worse
than Demi Moore did

when she turned 50.

Yes, just go to sleep.

You'll feel better tomorrow
when you wake up.

I mean, if that guy
with the switchblade

doesn't come back
like he promised he would.

Caroline.

Caroline, wake up.

[Water crashing]

We're at the beach.

I drove us out to the Hamptons.

Happy birthday!

We're in the Hamptons?

[Shouting]
We're in the Hamptons?

How are we in the Hamptons?

How long have I been sleeping?

Three hours, give or take.

You farted twice.

How did I not wake up?

I know.
It was pretty bad.

After that last one, I thought
we were going through egg town.

Max, you did it again.

You roofied me, didn't you?

Of course I did.

You were crying
and babbling about the Hamptons,

so I had to put you down.

You promised you wouldn't again.

The last time,
i was out for two days.

Yeah, I really just needed
to get through game of thrones

without someone
talking during the incest.

What is wrong with you?

Have you got a pen and paper?

You knew I didn't want
to do this.

You never want to do anything,
so I did it for you.

You took a $450,000 car,

a car we're not even
supposed to be touching,

on a joyride to the Hamptons?

You wanted to be here.

You are here.

Just enjoy it.

I can't enjoy it.

Scotty to the bridge.

This is captain kirk.

Scotty to the bridge.

You drove over the dunes
and onto the beach?

Not intentionally.

I tried to stop it,
but this car was like,

"mm, no, girl."

Oh, my god.

Did it get any scratches?

Max, get out of the car,
and help me look for scratches.

You said you were more fun
in the Hamptons.

Not true.

Mr. sulu,
fire all phasers.

No scratches.
The lamborghini is fine.

But thanks to you,
I'm a rent-a-wreck.

Come on, we have to get
this car back.

We will.
Jeez, relax.

We still have time.

Look, you said
you wanted to be here.

You're here,
and we are not leaving

till you do something beach-y,

like walk in the water

or find a half-eaten lady
from jaws.

No. No way.
Let's go.

Just take off your shoes
or something.

No.

Just take off your shoes
and feel the sand.

Max! Max, stop.

I haven't had a proper pedicure

since Justin Timberlake
released a single.

There.
Now move your foot around.

No.

No. No! No.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

That feels nice.

The cold sand between my toes.

But, Max, don't look.

That middle nail's
a horror show.

Too late.

I thought it was a pistachio
for a second.

Max, how much do you love
the beach?

I don't know.
I've never been to one.

You've never been to a beach?

No. What's the point?

I don't own a metal detector.

Well, time's up.

But we just sat down.

I know, but if we leave
right now,

we'll still have enough time to
blow through

a McDonald's drive-through

like something from
back to the future.

Well, I'm gonna write
our names in the sand

'cause it was
a really nice thing

for you to drug me, kidnap me,

and steal my car
to get me out here.

Hey, we're friends.

All right, I'll just
turn this baby around.

[Engine revving]

Uh-oh.

What's "uh-oh"?

What is "uh-oh"?

Are we stuck in the sand?

You have correctly identified
the meaning of "uh-oh."

I love that we don't need
full sentences

to communicate anymore.

Try it again.

[Engine revving]

Nope.

I've had less trouble

getting out of
athlete's apartments.

Well, you're gonna have to
get out and push.

Why do I have to push?

Because you're the one
who drugged me, kidnapped me,

and stole my car.

Exactly.

I've already done
the lion's share of the work.

And it's our car.

Fine, I'll do it.
[Engine stops]

Door's up, lieutenant uhura.

It stopped being funny
when we got stuck.

God, don't worry.

I got a 600-pound woman

out of a booth at the diner
with my bare hands.

I'm fearless.

Toss her in neutral
like I did with that lady.

Sand and heels.
Not a good combo.

Not a good combo.
Not a good combo.

Oh, all right.

All right.

I'm gonna floor it.

[Engine revs]

On the count of three.

One, two...

[Engine revving]

I got excited.
I went early.

If I had a dime
for every time I heard that,

I could buy this car.

All right, let's try again.

One, two...

[Engine revving]

[Coughs]

Okay, that was on purpose.

A little bit.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe
that I can't believe it,

but I really can't believe it.

We are in very big trouble,

and we're not even in
the good Hamptons.

I was trying to do
something nice.

First time, last time.

You know what you are?

You are reckless.

You know, all this time,

I thought you were
a ride or die kind of bitch.

I am a ride or die
kind of bitch.

What's a ride or die
kind of bitch?

Are you googling
"ride or die kind of bitch"?

I would be,
but I only have two bars.

[Sighs]

Look, we have two options:

Get the car out of the sand,
or let the tide take us.

Put a pin in that tide thing,

'cause I like the sound of it.

We barely have enough time to
get this car back to the city,

or we owe $450,000.

And I only have $3,
and 2 of it's in nickels.

Now get in the car.

You're hoarding nickels,

and I'm walking out of
the 99 cent store empty-handed?

Now I'm mad.

Get ready.

What are you doing?

I'm pushing us out of here.

[Engine turns over, revs]

Because I'm a ride or die
kind of bitch!

I think.

[Grunts]

Now hit it!

[Engine revving]

What'd you do?
Fart us out of the ditch?

Seriously, Caroline, step on it.

No, Max.

We can't risk
getting into an accident.

What if it's not fatal?

Driving a lamborghini slow
is like going to red lobster

and not getting
the cheddar bay biscuits.

Come on, we got to enjoy
this car while we can.

Hit the gas.
All right.

I'll take it up to the top
of my age dating window.

40.

And I'll take it
to the top of mine.

80!
[Engine revving]

Let go. Have some fun.

No, don't push on my leg!

Don't push on my...
[Screaming]

[Laughing]

Yes! Yes!

Best birthday ever!

Should we Thelma and Louise it?

You mean drive over a cliff?

No, I mean wear sunglasses
and hold hands.

They drive over a cliff?

I never saw the end.

There they are.

Did you girls get the car back
in time this morning?

Yep, just in time,
thanks to Caroline.

She was ignoring
speed limit signs

like she does homeless people.

A state trooper called
my driving

criminally negligent.

I was so proud.

I might've even
gotten emotional,

but I had to talk our way
out of the ticket,

and I like to be professional
when my shirt's off.

[Chuckles]

You didn't get a ticket?

Yesterday, I got arrested for
just walking into whole foods.

I can't believe
i still have sand in my hair.

If the only place you still
have sand is in your hair,

you're lucky.

I'm about to make a Pearl
down there.

Oh, hey, there,
destitute Barbie.

Sorry you lost the dream car.

Anyway, I'll be in my booth.

Sophie, beautiful baby,

I've narrowed down
the site of my proposal

to three options:

A, the place we met;

b, the place we've had sex
most often;

or c, the place we've had sex
most recently.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

All three of those places
are this booth!

That's right.

Sophie kachinsky...

He's proposing at the diner?

What's he gonna do?
Put an onion ring on it?

[Inhales sharply]

Oh...

I love that.

You know, I was planning on
saying no

and making you beg
for a few hours...

I just love you too much.

Aw, that's so
not as gross as normal.

Now it is.

[Cash register bell dings]