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1
00:00:01,802 --> 00:00:03,371
Earl, can i borrow your paper?
2
00:00:03,404 --> 00:00:04,772
I want to check my horoscope
3
00:00:04,805 --> 00:00:08,376
to see if I'll still be
a whore in the future.
4
00:00:08,409 --> 00:00:10,311
All right, who
wants to go first?
5
00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:13,047
Ooh, do me. Do me.
Do me.
6
00:00:13,081 --> 00:00:14,815
Can we have one night
at the diner
7
00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:18,252
that doesn't end with you
yelling that at a woman?
8
00:00:18,286 --> 00:00:19,520
All right, I'll go.
9
00:00:19,553 --> 00:00:21,289
"Gemini, the twins,"
10
00:00:21,322 --> 00:00:24,458
and they're both doing fine,
so let's move on.
11
00:00:24,492 --> 00:00:26,194
Han, what sign are you?
12
00:00:26,227 --> 00:00:29,797
I'm guessing
the 40-year-old Virgo.
13
00:00:29,830 --> 00:00:31,465
Max, you don't need that paper.
14
00:00:31,499 --> 00:00:33,267
I'll tell you
what's in your future...
15
00:00:33,301 --> 00:00:36,304
Using my name as a reference
at chipotle.
16
00:00:38,606 --> 00:00:41,142
You guys really believe
in that crap?
17
00:00:41,175 --> 00:00:43,277
They just tell you
what you want to hear.
18
00:00:43,311 --> 00:00:46,147
"You will be rich.
You will be famous."
19
00:00:46,180 --> 00:00:48,282
You'd think I'd buy
a newspaper if it said,
20
00:00:48,316 --> 00:00:51,452
"you will be
a 75-year-old cashier"?
21
00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:55,456
(peter bjorn and John)
* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
22
00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:57,191
[cash register bell dings]
23
00:00:57,225 --> 00:01:02,196
* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh *
24
00:01:05,466 --> 00:01:06,734
okay, ready to open?
25
00:01:06,767 --> 00:01:08,236
Never have been, never will be.
26
00:01:08,269 --> 00:01:09,470
Let's do this.
27
00:01:09,503 --> 00:01:10,738
Wait.
28
00:01:10,771 --> 00:01:13,307
We have to do
our business affirmation.
29
00:01:13,341 --> 00:01:17,578
Please, god, don't let us
be murdered in here.
30
00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:19,347
All right, let's open 'em up.
31
00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:22,716
Oh, hell no.
Max.
32
00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:23,717
Hang on.
I wasn't done.
33
00:01:23,751 --> 00:01:27,221
Oh, hell no!
34
00:01:27,255 --> 00:01:29,523
Oh, she's yarn-bombing
that bike.
35
00:01:29,557 --> 00:01:30,791
It's whimsical.
It's new.
36
00:01:30,824 --> 00:01:32,860
It's stupid.
37
00:01:32,893 --> 00:01:35,463
Graffiti, i get.
38
00:01:35,496 --> 00:01:37,498
I see, "die, bitch. Die,"
on a wall,
39
00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:39,600
i think, "okay, this gentleman
40
00:01:39,633 --> 00:01:41,669
wanted to get that
off his chest."
41
00:01:41,702 --> 00:01:45,339
But this yarn-ival
is pathetic.
42
00:01:45,373 --> 00:01:47,675
Yo, yarnie.
43
00:01:47,708 --> 00:01:49,510
I have a name.
44
00:01:49,543 --> 00:01:51,512
It's Guinevere.
45
00:01:51,545 --> 00:01:53,814
Yep, that checks out.
46
00:01:53,847 --> 00:01:55,283
What's happening over here?
47
00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:56,884
Why are you molesting
that poor bike?
48
00:01:56,917 --> 00:01:59,253
Well...
49
00:01:59,287 --> 00:02:00,754
I am beautifying the city
50
00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:03,857
one living, glorious work
of art at a time.
51
00:02:03,891 --> 00:02:06,194
And tips are always appreciated.
52
00:02:06,227 --> 00:02:07,728
[Scoffs]
53
00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:09,663
Here's a tip:
54
00:02:09,697 --> 00:02:11,665
Go back to school
and learn a trade
55
00:02:11,699 --> 00:02:14,602
before daddy's money runs out.
56
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:15,769
Well, i never...
57
00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:18,272
Worked a day in your life,
we know.
58
00:02:18,306 --> 00:02:20,208
You think this is artwork?
59
00:02:20,241 --> 00:02:23,911
Artwork is a Garfield mug,
sweetheart.
60
00:02:23,944 --> 00:02:25,779
You got Garfield
in a hammock, saying,
61
00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:27,548
"I'm not overweight.
I'm under-tall,"
62
00:02:27,581 --> 00:02:30,451
I'll build you a gallery
right here.
63
00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:33,721
Look, you should move on.
64
00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:35,289
My friend doesn't want you...
65
00:02:35,323 --> 00:02:36,657
How shall i put this?
66
00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:40,394
Taking a giant knit
in front of our shop.
67
00:02:40,428 --> 00:02:42,830
What is the problem?
It is not even your bike.
68
00:02:42,863 --> 00:02:44,898
It's been chained here
for, like, four months.
69
00:02:44,932 --> 00:02:46,667
Oh, yeah?
70
00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:48,669
Maybe it is our bike,
71
00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:51,672
and we use it for deliveries
72
00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:54,208
and to trap nerds.
73
00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:56,810
Peace out, ganja beer,
74
00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:58,412
before i knit you a noose.
75
00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:03,984
Max, that was a great idea.
76
00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:05,319
What, that she go back
to school?
77
00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:06,687
I know.
78
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:07,864
At least a couple
night classes, right?
79
00:03:07,888 --> 00:03:10,258
Get around some people.
80
00:03:10,291 --> 00:03:12,993
She's a lost cause.
Let's move on.
81
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:15,396
I'm talking about us
doing deliveries.
82
00:03:15,429 --> 00:03:16,930
Why do we never deliver?
83
00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:19,667
Speak for yourself.
I've delivered.
84
00:03:22,736 --> 00:03:25,406
Seriously, Max, those
delivery services...
85
00:03:25,439 --> 00:03:27,741
Eat24, grubhub...
Do big business.
86
00:03:27,775 --> 00:03:29,477
No one wants to go out now.
87
00:03:29,510 --> 00:03:30,744
People are so lazy.
88
00:03:30,778 --> 00:03:33,614
I don't really feel like it.
89
00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:35,583
Seriously, Max,
all we have to do
90
00:03:35,616 --> 00:03:37,351
is slap a delivery charge
on that product,
91
00:03:37,385 --> 00:03:40,588
and suddenly, a $5 cupcake
is bringing in more money.
92
00:03:40,621 --> 00:03:42,556
And do you know what
more money means?
93
00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:45,426
No.
How would i know that?
94
00:03:48,496 --> 00:03:49,863
Okay, question:
95
00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:53,834
Which of these goes
better with no pants?
96
00:03:53,867 --> 00:03:56,870
I don't know.
They're both timeless...
97
00:03:56,904 --> 00:04:00,574
As in, there's no time
you should wear those.
98
00:04:00,608 --> 00:04:02,276
You can't be objective.
99
00:04:02,310 --> 00:04:03,553
You're like a kid
in a candy store.
100
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,379
I'll ask Max.
101
00:04:06,947 --> 00:04:10,451
Uh, well, the red one
kind of matches your rash.
102
00:04:10,484 --> 00:04:13,287
I think we have a winner.
103
00:04:13,321 --> 00:04:16,290
So why are you trying out
the fancy mesh tonight?
104
00:04:16,324 --> 00:04:18,692
Well, even though Sophie and i
are getting back together,
105
00:04:18,726 --> 00:04:21,595
we wanted to make it special
and hold off on the sexual part
106
00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:23,364
of the relationship
until tonight.
107
00:04:23,397 --> 00:04:25,299
That is so sweet.
I know.
108
00:04:25,333 --> 00:04:28,436
I haven't even masturbated since
right before i came in here.
109
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,875
So, Chestnut, i was buying
some rolling papers
110
00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:36,577
at the bodega,
111
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:40,448
and i hope this is cool,
but i said they were for you.
112
00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:43,817
Max, i have good news
and bad news.
113
00:04:43,851 --> 00:04:45,519
The bad news is,
114
00:04:45,553 --> 00:04:47,921
this is the only good news
I've had in three years.
115
00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:50,358
And the good news is...
116
00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:52,292
You found yourself
a new apartment?
117
00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:54,828
Don't toy with me, woman.
118
00:04:54,862 --> 00:04:56,029
Speak plainly and clearly.
119
00:04:56,063 --> 00:04:58,932
Did you find a new apartment?
120
00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:01,502
Close your eyes.
I'll give you a hint.
121
00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:03,404
Last time i was told
to close my eyes,
122
00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:06,907
i woke up in a bikini
on a garbage barge.
123
00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:10,310
P.S., closest i ever got
to a vacation.
124
00:05:12,112 --> 00:05:13,914
[Horn honking]
125
00:05:13,947 --> 00:05:17,785
Oh, you're dating a clown?
126
00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:20,354
Please, you know
i would have told you
127
00:05:20,388 --> 00:05:22,556
if i was dating someone
who had a car.
128
00:05:22,590 --> 00:05:26,694
Look, it's the abandoned bike
from in front of the shop.
129
00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:28,929
It was the bike from
the front of the shop.
130
00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:33,367
Now it looks like a contestant
on rupaul's bike race.
131
00:05:33,401 --> 00:05:34,902
We're gonna use it
to make deliveries.
132
00:05:34,935 --> 00:05:37,438
I already signed us up
for three delivery services.
133
00:05:37,471 --> 00:05:38,806
Still crazy smart.
134
00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:39,907
Waste of time.
135
00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:41,509
Amazon's got drones,
136
00:05:41,542 --> 00:05:44,645
and we've got one gay bike.
137
00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,046
I don't want to do deliveries.
138
00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:48,516
I got this.
You bake, I'll bike.
139
00:05:48,549 --> 00:05:51,919
And while you bike,
I'll get baked.
140
00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:53,663
I'm just gonna knock out
these three "delivs,"
141
00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:55,127
and I'll met you
at the cupcake shop.
142
00:05:55,155 --> 00:05:56,990
"Delivs"?
You like "delivs"?
143
00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:58,735
It's an "abbreve"
i made up for "deliveries."
144
00:05:58,759 --> 00:06:00,394
You like "abbreve"?
145
00:06:00,428 --> 00:06:02,596
It's an "ab" i made up
for "abbreviation."
146
00:06:02,630 --> 00:06:06,500
I'm gonna make this short.
Get out.
147
00:06:06,534 --> 00:06:08,035
Hey, everybody.
148
00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:11,071
Sophie, what do you think?
149
00:06:11,104 --> 00:06:13,173
Aw, good for you, Caroline.
150
00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:15,476
I've been saying that
you should hop on something
151
00:06:15,509 --> 00:06:19,146
pink and ride it
since i met you.
152
00:06:19,179 --> 00:06:23,551
[Horn honking]
153
00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:26,554
Ah, Max, I'm so glad
you're alone,
154
00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:29,423
'cause i need some girl talk.
155
00:06:29,457 --> 00:06:31,091
Okay, but the last time
i did girl talk,
156
00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:32,826
i got $3 for the first minute
157
00:06:32,860 --> 00:06:35,796
and $1 for each
additional minute.
158
00:06:35,829 --> 00:06:37,931
No, it's about Oleg.
159
00:06:37,965 --> 00:06:40,968
Last night, he was unable to...
160
00:06:41,001 --> 00:06:43,837
Oh, what's a nice way
to say this?
161
00:06:43,871 --> 00:06:47,975
He couldn't get his soldier
to stand at attention,
162
00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:51,779
and his penis
wouldn't work either.
163
00:06:51,812 --> 00:06:53,914
Well, uh, have you tried buying
164
00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:56,584
a Cosmopolitan magazine
or something?
165
00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:58,586
They usually have advice
on sex stuff
166
00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:00,588
and how to hate your body.
167
00:07:00,621 --> 00:07:02,923
Max...
168
00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:06,627
You don't think it
could be me, do you?
169
00:07:06,660 --> 00:07:09,029
No way, Sophie.
You are hot.
170
00:07:09,062 --> 00:07:10,097
Ah.
171
00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:11,465
The first time Oleg saw you,
172
00:07:11,499 --> 00:07:13,100
his soldier not only saluted.
173
00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:15,969
It exploded.
174
00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:17,571
You're right.
I am hot.
175
00:07:17,605 --> 00:07:20,173
It's all him.
176
00:07:20,207 --> 00:07:22,710
Remember when i said you didn't
have to do deliveries?
177
00:07:22,743 --> 00:07:23,853
You're gonna have to do
deliveries,
178
00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:25,078
'cause i only went two blocks,
179
00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:26,514
and I'm sweating
like shia lebeouf
180
00:07:26,547 --> 00:07:29,583
at a dui checkpoint.
181
00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:35,164
Okay, you deliver.
I'll open the window.
182
00:07:35,188 --> 00:07:37,691
But first, business affirmation.
183
00:07:37,725 --> 00:07:41,795
Please, god, don't let us
get pistol-whipped in here.
184
00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:50,938
It's either that Guinevere
or spider-man came out.
185
00:07:53,707 --> 00:07:56,209
Caroline, can i talk to you
about a private matter,
186
00:07:56,243 --> 00:07:58,979
by which i mean
the matter is my privates.
187
00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:00,981
Okay, but hurry, Oleg.
188
00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:02,854
I'm in the middle
of a dream catcher situation,
189
00:08:02,883 --> 00:08:05,085
and it's a nightmare.
190
00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:06,554
And why me?
191
00:08:06,587 --> 00:08:08,589
'Cause i trust and respect you
192
00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:11,925
and i feel like you know
your way around a limp penis.
193
00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:16,229
Maybe.
194
00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:18,999
I talked to my therapist...
195
00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:22,603
Roy, you know,
down at the Starbucks.
196
00:08:22,636 --> 00:08:24,171
He told me it's all mental.
197
00:08:24,204 --> 00:08:25,873
We didn't get
much further than that.
198
00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:29,309
He spilled a grande mochaccino
on his sandals.
199
00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:31,612
You're probably just scared.
200
00:08:31,645 --> 00:08:33,313
Intimacy is so hard
for some guys,
201
00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:36,884
it's not hard for some guys.
202
00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:39,887
Yeah, that's all over my head.
203
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:42,255
Oh, no,
Max forgot the order slips.
204
00:08:42,289 --> 00:08:45,025
Oleg, I'm sure
it'll all work out.
205
00:08:45,058 --> 00:08:48,629
Good luck getting your penne
al dente.
206
00:08:48,662 --> 00:08:51,599
Again, over my head.
207
00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:57,938
Max, what are you doing?
208
00:08:57,971 --> 00:09:00,040
What are you doing?
209
00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:01,742
What am i doing?
210
00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:03,119
Well, i think I'm
watching you shove
211
00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:05,345
our delivery bike into
the back of an uber car.
212
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:08,215
Well, this is uber-awkward.
213
00:09:08,248 --> 00:09:10,751
Come on, come on.
In or out.
214
00:09:10,784 --> 00:09:13,754
All right, Caroline,
this is milesh, with a "k."
215
00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:15,589
He doesn't go to the airport,
216
00:09:15,623 --> 00:09:18,125
and he once drove
some of maroon 5...
217
00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:21,128
So maroon 3.
218
00:09:21,161 --> 00:09:22,663
No, stop.
Caroline.
219
00:09:22,696 --> 00:09:24,832
If you want me to deliver
the cupcakes,
220
00:09:24,865 --> 00:09:27,034
i can't use the bike,
i have to use the car.
221
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:28,235
Why?
222
00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:31,004
Oh, my god, are you pregnant?
223
00:09:31,038 --> 00:09:36,243
You ask me that every day,
and almost every day i say no.
224
00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:39,212
Look, i want to tell you,
but it's a secret.
225
00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:40,881
And you can't tell anybody.
226
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,950
Do you seriously think
i would ever tell anyone
227
00:09:42,983 --> 00:09:45,218
anything about this life?
228
00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:47,020
Right.
229
00:09:47,054 --> 00:09:49,256
I don't know
how to ride a bike, okay?
230
00:09:49,289 --> 00:09:51,224
You don't know
how to ride a bike?
231
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:54,127
Max doesn't know
how to ride a bike?
232
00:09:54,161 --> 00:09:56,229
Damn it, Caroline!
233
00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:57,698
[Laughing]
234
00:09:57,731 --> 00:09:59,299
Max doesn't know
how to ride a bike.
235
00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:00,801
Oh, happy day.
236
00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:02,636
I finally have
something over her.
237
00:10:02,670 --> 00:10:03,871
There is a god,
238
00:10:03,904 --> 00:10:05,739
and he's laughing at her too.
239
00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:09,109
Lordy, this is harder to watch
240
00:10:09,142 --> 00:10:12,780
than Jim carrey in a drama.
241
00:10:12,813 --> 00:10:14,715
[Laughing]
242
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:21,121
[Knock at door]
243
00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:24,391
Max, are you up?
244
00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:27,160
What's that smell?
Did you bring home Greek food?
245
00:10:27,194 --> 00:10:29,062
No, that's me.
246
00:10:29,096 --> 00:10:32,032
That's how you smell
after you ride a bike
247
00:10:32,065 --> 00:10:35,703
all over williamsburg delivering
14 orders of cupcakes,
248
00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:37,871
and i do not wish
to smell like this again,
249
00:10:37,905 --> 00:10:40,741
so you have to learn how to ride
that bike, all right?
250
00:10:40,774 --> 00:10:43,310
Who do you think you are
busting in here
251
00:10:43,343 --> 00:10:46,680
smelling like hummus
but having no hummus?
252
00:10:46,714 --> 00:10:48,248
What is the problem?
253
00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:50,059
Didn't your mother ever teach
you how to ride a bike?
254
00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:53,086
No, my mother was too busy
being the town bike.
255
00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:54,855
Well, then I'll teach you.
256
00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:56,289
Nope.
Never getting on a bike.
257
00:10:56,323 --> 00:10:57,858
It's one of my three "nevers."
258
00:10:57,891 --> 00:10:59,292
Yes, well,
your first "never" was,
259
00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:01,729
"never having
a blonde roommate."
260
00:11:01,762 --> 00:11:05,098
You are chipping away at me
piece by piece, lady.
261
00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:09,402
I'm not going anywhere until
you tell me what's going on.
262
00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:12,405
I'd sit on your bed, but
that's your third "never."
263
00:11:12,439 --> 00:11:14,041
[Sighs]
264
00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:16,443
When i was little, there was
this kid, Tommy doonan.
265
00:11:16,476 --> 00:11:19,780
Nice kid, solid hopscotcher.
266
00:11:19,813 --> 00:11:22,049
Used to give me his fruit
roll-up at lunch every day.
267
00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:24,017
Max, did he give you
these fruit roll-ups,
268
00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:25,052
or did you take them?
269
00:11:25,085 --> 00:11:26,920
Don't interrupt.
270
00:11:26,954 --> 00:11:29,723
One day, Tommy doonan
got a new bike.
271
00:11:29,757 --> 00:11:32,459
He was out front
with this nice, older man
272
00:11:32,492 --> 00:11:34,061
who looked just like him.
273
00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:36,997
You mean his dad?
274
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:38,932
Mm, is that what they call them?
275
00:11:38,966 --> 00:11:41,769
I assumed it was a predator.
276
00:11:41,802 --> 00:11:44,471
So anyway,
i was making fun of him
277
00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:46,807
'cause he seemed happy.
278
00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:49,476
I thought that was our thing.
279
00:11:49,509 --> 00:11:52,079
And he started showing off,
doing wheelies and stuff,
280
00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:53,480
to put me in my place,
281
00:11:53,513 --> 00:11:56,516
but then he flipped up
over the handlebars
282
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:59,519
and came down hard on his face.
283
00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:00,988
Sad,
284
00:12:01,021 --> 00:12:04,491
but not worth me
having baklava pits.
285
00:12:04,524 --> 00:12:06,159
Well, wait.
286
00:12:06,193 --> 00:12:08,128
After i stopped laughing
287
00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:11,865
and the man picked him up
and hugged him predator-style,
288
00:12:11,899 --> 00:12:16,103
i saw Tommy's teeth
had busted through his cheek.
289
00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:17,504
To put it plainly,
290
00:12:17,537 --> 00:12:21,541
his mouth was
on the outside of his face.
291
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:25,012
Ew, that's like something
out of a horror movie,
292
00:12:25,045 --> 00:12:28,515
like bike of the living dead
or Texas bike chain massacre
293
00:12:28,548 --> 00:12:31,518
or... well,
that's probably enough.
294
00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:34,855
Every time i see a bike,
i think of his little face
295
00:12:34,888 --> 00:12:38,258
and his little teeth
chomping out the side of it.
296
00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:40,193
He had to eat apples
like this...
297
00:12:40,227 --> 00:12:42,863
[Babbling]
298
00:12:42,896 --> 00:12:45,866
Max, you are not responsible
for that.
299
00:12:45,899 --> 00:12:47,400
Yeah, i know,
300
00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:51,038
and 1 out of the 12 jurors
agreed.
301
00:12:51,071 --> 00:12:54,141
Thank you, number six.
302
00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:57,510
Anyway, it freaked me out,
so good night.
303
00:12:57,544 --> 00:12:59,046
No, Max.
304
00:12:59,079 --> 00:13:00,580
It is not going
to work that way.
305
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:02,115
You're learning
how to ride a bike.
306
00:13:02,149 --> 00:13:04,217
I'm already
on one painful cycle.
307
00:13:04,251 --> 00:13:06,086
I don't want to get
on another one.
308
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:08,288
Max, i have access
to tootsie rolls,
309
00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:11,158
and if you get on a bike,
i will give you four.
310
00:13:11,191 --> 00:13:12,392
What am i, a chimp?
311
00:13:12,425 --> 00:13:14,828
Five.
Let's go.
312
00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:22,569
Don't look so smug, Chestnut.
313
00:13:22,602 --> 00:13:25,138
You don't know
how to ride a bike either.
314
00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:27,240
Come on, Max,
just out here in the alley.
315
00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:30,343
Oh, hell no!
316
00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:32,612
What?
She's been back here too.
317
00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:35,048
Who?
Guine-queer.
318
00:13:35,082 --> 00:13:39,252
There's so much yarn-bombing,
it's like craft-ganistan.
319
00:13:39,286 --> 00:13:40,287
Max, let it go.
320
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,122
Stay focused.
321
00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:43,156
Get on the bike.
322
00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:44,324
No.
323
00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:45,425
I don't want to eat apples
324
00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:47,928
out of the side of my face.
325
00:13:47,961 --> 00:13:50,363
Come on.
Let me teach you.
326
00:13:50,397 --> 00:13:51,564
Nope.
Want a tootsie?
327
00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:53,466
You know i do.
328
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,936
I mean, you taught me
how to be poor.
329
00:13:55,969 --> 00:13:58,305
Eh, you're getting
really good at it.
330
00:13:58,338 --> 00:13:59,639
Come on.
331
00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:01,217
You know what they say
about riding a bike.
332
00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:03,343
It's like riding a bike.
See?
333
00:14:03,376 --> 00:14:05,478
It's fun, see?
Whee!
334
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:08,348
Whee, whee, whee, whee, whee!
Whee!
335
00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:10,083
You got a real pretty mouth,
Caroline.
336
00:14:10,117 --> 00:14:12,585
Can't wait to see it
on the side of your face.
337
00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:14,922
At least just get on the bike.
338
00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:16,465
You don't even have to go
anywhere yet.
339
00:14:16,489 --> 00:14:17,490
Nope.
Want a tootsie?
340
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:19,059
You know i do.
341
00:14:19,092 --> 00:14:20,460
Go.
342
00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:21,929
[Groans and scoffs]
343
00:14:21,962 --> 00:14:23,363
What is this bar doing here?
344
00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:26,499
I have no use for a bar
that can't get me drunk.
345
00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:28,135
Okay, walk the bike over there
346
00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:30,370
and lean against the car
to get your balance.
347
00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:32,539
Just check and make sure
there's no one around.
348
00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:33,974
Why do you care?
349
00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:35,284
The only people out here
this late
350
00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:37,110
would be rapists,
murderers, and freaks...
351
00:14:37,144 --> 00:14:39,179
[Chuckles]
You know, your peeps.
352
00:14:41,114 --> 00:14:42,115
(Max)
What the...
353
00:14:42,149 --> 00:14:44,384
Hey, girls.
354
00:14:44,417 --> 00:14:45,652
Sophie?
355
00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:48,021
What are you doing
in that car alone?
356
00:14:51,058 --> 00:14:53,961
Oh, a dark alley
at 3:00 A.M.?
357
00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:56,563
Has money gotten that tight?
358
00:14:56,596 --> 00:14:59,032
Yes, but that's not
why we're out here.
359
00:14:59,066 --> 00:15:00,443
I'm teaching Max
how to ride a bike,
360
00:15:00,467 --> 00:15:02,035
and it's pretty hard.
361
00:15:02,069 --> 00:15:04,237
Oh, yeah, i wish
i had that problem.
362
00:15:04,271 --> 00:15:07,240
I'm dancing with a rope in here.
363
00:15:07,274 --> 00:15:09,209
We're trying some
exotic, new locales
364
00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:10,710
for our lovemaking.
365
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:14,147
It's exotic because
this isn't even our car.
366
00:15:14,181 --> 00:15:15,548
(Sophie)
Oh, uh...
367
00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:19,052
We better hurry before
that rabbi comes back.
368
00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:20,720
Maybe try barking at it again.
369
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:23,156
There was some movement earlier.
370
00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:24,624
[Sophie barking]
371
00:15:24,657 --> 00:15:27,260
Come on, Caroline, teach me
how to ride this thing.
372
00:15:27,294 --> 00:15:29,696
I got to get away
from temple gross shalom
373
00:15:29,729 --> 00:15:31,498
as fast as possible.
374
00:15:31,531 --> 00:15:33,066
Okay, I'm gonna get behind you
375
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:34,434
and hold on to your seat.
376
00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:36,303
Not without three
long island iced teas
377
00:15:36,336 --> 00:15:38,605
and one, "your butt
looks good in those jeans."
378
00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:42,175
Tootsie?
Yeah.
379
00:15:42,209 --> 00:15:43,310
Max, don't look.
380
00:15:43,343 --> 00:15:44,577
Yarn-bombing?
381
00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:45,712
(Han)
Hey, Max.
382
00:15:45,745 --> 00:15:47,280
(Max)
Han?
383
00:15:47,314 --> 00:15:49,016
I'm just riding my bike
to the bike store
384
00:15:49,049 --> 00:15:51,118
to buy more bikes.
385
00:15:51,151 --> 00:15:52,485
Is that han or
386
00:15:52,519 --> 00:15:54,554
Lance Armstrong's
runaway testicle?
387
00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:56,289
Sorry, couldn't hear you.
388
00:15:56,323 --> 00:15:59,326
I was too busy knowing
how to ride a bike.
389
00:15:59,359 --> 00:16:02,262
Damn it!
Now i got to do this.
390
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:05,032
You know how quickly society
will crumble around us
391
00:16:05,065 --> 00:16:08,668
if han starts feeling like
he can freely tease me?
392
00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:10,203
You sure?
Yep.
393
00:16:10,237 --> 00:16:11,671
Making fun of han
394
00:16:11,704 --> 00:16:13,740
is one of my two free sources
of entertainment.
395
00:16:13,773 --> 00:16:16,343
The other one is located
right above this bar.
396
00:16:16,376 --> 00:16:18,311
Okay, I'll keep
my hand on the seat,
397
00:16:18,345 --> 00:16:20,556
and then when you're ready,
tell me, and I'll let you go.
398
00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:22,549
Okay, but don't let go
until i say so.
399
00:16:24,217 --> 00:16:25,185
Okay, let go.
400
00:16:25,218 --> 00:16:26,353
Already did.
401
00:16:26,386 --> 00:16:28,021
I'm riding a bike?
402
00:16:28,055 --> 00:16:29,189
Max, look out!
Pothole!
403
00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:35,162
[Groaning]
404
00:16:35,195 --> 00:16:37,497
There goes my other free source
of entertainment.
405
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:39,232
Tootsie?
406
00:16:39,266 --> 00:16:41,768
Yes, obviously!
407
00:16:46,806 --> 00:16:48,575
[Bell rings]
Table ten. Pick up, Max.
408
00:16:51,411 --> 00:16:53,246
Yeah, be right there.
409
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:56,283
Like, you know, in a month.
410
00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:58,418
Uh, Max, how you doing?
411
00:16:58,451 --> 00:17:02,255
I heard about
your vag-accident.
412
00:17:02,289 --> 00:17:04,157
Look, if you need
to see a doctor,
413
00:17:04,191 --> 00:17:06,659
my cousin in Florida
is a good one,
414
00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:10,530
but then again, the bumpy
bus ride might kill you.
415
00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:12,799
No, no, it'll be fine, Earl.
416
00:17:12,832 --> 00:17:15,034
I'm icing it.
I just have to keep it cold.
417
00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:25,145
We're out of ginger ale.
418
00:17:25,178 --> 00:17:28,715
I think you mean the ginger ale
is out of you.
419
00:17:30,250 --> 00:17:31,551
Max, let me get that for you.
420
00:17:31,584 --> 00:17:33,586
I feel like it was
kind of my fault.
421
00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:34,587
Kind of?
422
00:17:34,621 --> 00:17:36,089
Was Lincoln's death
423
00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:37,166
kind of John wilkes booth's
fault?
424
00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:38,158
[Bell rings]
425
00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:39,859
Pick up, Caroline.
426
00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:41,628
How'd it go with Sophie?
427
00:17:41,661 --> 00:17:43,830
Were you able to do the thing,
you know, the man does
428
00:17:43,863 --> 00:17:47,200
while the woman makes
shopping lists in her head?
429
00:17:47,234 --> 00:17:48,768
Shh.
Come on.
430
00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:51,238
I don't want anyone to know
i can't get it up.
431
00:17:51,271 --> 00:17:53,540
Oleg can't get it up?
432
00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:55,708
[Laughing]
433
00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:58,245
OMG. Oleg can't
get it up.
434
00:17:58,278 --> 00:17:59,712
[Laughing]
435
00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:01,248
Best week ever.
436
00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:03,082
Hey, everybody!
437
00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:06,653
What's up?
438
00:18:06,686 --> 00:18:08,121
Not your boyfriend.
439
00:18:08,155 --> 00:18:11,358
[Laughing]
440
00:18:11,391 --> 00:18:12,559
If anyone needs me,
441
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:14,327
I'll be outside riding my bike
442
00:18:14,361 --> 00:18:16,163
with an erection.
443
00:18:17,797 --> 00:18:20,433
Oh, no, no, no, no.
He didn't hear it from me.
444
00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:22,235
I only told two people...
445
00:18:22,269 --> 00:18:24,704
Max and my manicurist, ming wa.
446
00:18:24,737 --> 00:18:26,806
And you don't have to worry
about her
447
00:18:26,839 --> 00:18:28,808
because she doesn't care
about anything
448
00:18:28,841 --> 00:18:32,679
except loving some guy
named long time.
449
00:18:35,315 --> 00:18:37,450
Sophie, baby,
450
00:18:37,484 --> 00:18:39,219
this is hard.
451
00:18:39,252 --> 00:18:41,788
Yeah, maybe we better not
try to be serious.
452
00:18:41,821 --> 00:18:44,391
I mean, the real truth is,
453
00:18:44,424 --> 00:18:47,360
i only like you
for your penis anyway.
454
00:18:47,394 --> 00:18:50,397
Say that again.
455
00:18:50,430 --> 00:18:52,865
What, that i only like you
for your penis?
456
00:18:52,899 --> 00:18:55,402
One more time.
457
00:18:55,435 --> 00:18:58,238
Well, what, that i don't have
any real feelings for you?
458
00:18:58,271 --> 00:18:59,906
That it's completely sexual
459
00:18:59,939 --> 00:19:03,910
and i only like you
for your big, stupid penis?
460
00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:05,612
I'm back, baby.
461
00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:08,481
Sophie, can i see you
in the kitchen?
462
00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:10,483
And we better hurry.
I'm making three-minute eggs.
463
00:19:12,319 --> 00:19:14,153
Cancel my eggs.
464
00:19:16,456 --> 00:19:19,792
I would've so left during
that whole conversation,
465
00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:23,663
but I'm holding a can
of Dr. pepper between my legs.
466
00:19:23,696 --> 00:19:25,732
What? He's a doctor.
He's seen it.
467
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,236
Well, i think we're
pretty much even.
468
00:19:29,269 --> 00:19:31,938
Your legs are a little sore,
and I'll never have children.
469
00:19:31,971 --> 00:19:36,276
So i guess what
I'm saying is thanks.
470
00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:39,512
So you really don't want
to get back on the bike?
471
00:19:39,546 --> 00:19:40,947
You're just gonna give up?
472
00:19:40,980 --> 00:19:43,783
I bet even Tommy doonan
got back on the bike.
473
00:19:43,816 --> 00:19:44,951
Whatever happened to him?
474
00:19:44,984 --> 00:19:46,953
I caught up with him
on Facebook.
475
00:19:46,986 --> 00:19:50,257
Well, more like
really-messed-up-face-book.
476
00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:51,558
He's happily married.
477
00:19:51,591 --> 00:19:53,693
I bet right now
he's driving his car,
478
00:19:53,726 --> 00:19:55,995
looking straight ahead,
and smiling at his wife
479
00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:59,966
in the seat next to him.
480
00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:01,834
So that's it for deliveries?
481
00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:04,704
Oh, you can deliver
wherever and whenever you want,
482
00:20:04,737 --> 00:20:07,874
but there is no way i am ever
getting on that bike again.
483
00:20:09,509 --> 00:20:13,313
Max, look.
Guinevere.
484
00:20:13,346 --> 00:20:14,714
Oh, hell no!
485
00:20:14,747 --> 00:20:17,550
She yarn-bombed
our darn barn!
486
00:20:17,584 --> 00:20:19,752
You two should've tipped.
487
00:20:19,786 --> 00:20:22,489
I'm an artist.
488
00:20:22,522 --> 00:20:25,558
Eat my stitches, bitches.
489
00:20:25,592 --> 00:20:26,593
[Gasps]
490
00:20:26,626 --> 00:20:28,961
That was not whimsical at all.
491
00:20:28,995 --> 00:20:30,463
Give me the damn bike.
492
00:20:30,497 --> 00:20:32,465
Knit's about to hit the fan.
493
00:20:32,499 --> 00:20:33,933
[Can thuds]
494
00:20:37,003 --> 00:20:38,471
Max, you're doing it.
495
00:20:38,505 --> 00:20:40,573
What happened
to your fear of bikes?
496
00:20:40,607 --> 00:20:43,576
I guess the only thing stronger
is my hatred of that nerd!
35216
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