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1
00:00:03,804 --> 00:00:05,173
That's it for tonight.
2
00:00:05,206 --> 00:00:06,440
Time to count the tip jar.
3
00:00:06,474 --> 00:00:10,444
Hand condom.
4
00:00:10,478 --> 00:00:11,679
I can't believe you.
5
00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:14,648
Using protection
is so five years ago.
6
00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:16,450
This is williamsburg.
7
00:00:16,484 --> 00:00:18,786
There's a good chance
even the dollars have herpes.
8
00:00:18,819 --> 00:00:20,388
Well, if those singles
have herpes,
9
00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:21,798
they should just lie
about it till they get married
10
00:00:21,822 --> 00:00:24,558
like everybody else does.
11
00:00:24,592 --> 00:00:26,260
Oh, good, you're still open.
12
00:00:26,294 --> 00:00:27,637
Oh, yes, we are.
What can i get you?
13
00:00:27,661 --> 00:00:30,131
Everything in the register.
14
00:00:30,164 --> 00:00:32,800
Oh, my god.
It's a hipster hold-up.
15
00:00:32,833 --> 00:00:36,404
Hand it over.
I have a gun.
16
00:00:36,437 --> 00:00:41,509
Well, i have a death wish
so that's not gonna work.
17
00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:44,245
Look, pal, we work
at this cupcake window
18
00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:46,280
from 2:00 to 4:00,
six nights a week,
19
00:00:46,314 --> 00:00:48,582
and that is after eight hours
of slinging hash
20
00:00:48,616 --> 00:00:50,684
at the diner next door
for lousy minimum wage,
21
00:00:50,718 --> 00:00:53,154
which a bunch of rich
politicians out in... help me out.
22
00:00:53,187 --> 00:00:54,355
Washington.
23
00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:56,690
What she said...
Don't wanna raise.
24
00:00:56,724 --> 00:00:59,093
Then, we walk home to our
illegal one bedroom apartment,
25
00:00:59,127 --> 00:01:01,395
get three hours
of nyquil induced sleep
26
00:01:01,429 --> 00:01:03,597
before we have to get back up
and share a bowl
27
00:01:03,631 --> 00:01:07,201
of Spanish language cheerios.
28
00:01:07,235 --> 00:01:10,204
It's the same thing but
the "c" wears a sombrero.
29
00:01:10,238 --> 00:01:14,308
So, no, i am not about to give
you our hard-earned money.
30
00:01:14,342 --> 00:01:16,844
And if you're gonna shoot me,
better aim good.
31
00:01:16,877 --> 00:01:20,181
'Cause if you miss,
i will climb over this counter,
32
00:01:20,214 --> 00:01:24,218
tear off your head,
and it'll be our new tip jar.
33
00:01:27,255 --> 00:01:28,756
Yeah, i just robbed pizza pizza.
34
00:01:28,789 --> 00:01:30,191
Here's a $20.
35
00:01:30,224 --> 00:01:31,292
Have a good night.
36
00:01:37,798 --> 00:01:40,701
I have a way with people.
37
00:01:40,734 --> 00:01:42,770
(peter bjorn and John)
* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
38
00:01:42,803 --> 00:01:44,505
[cash register bell dings]
39
00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:49,677
* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh *
40
00:01:54,815 --> 00:01:56,650
look, i just saw that
our cupcake competition,
41
00:01:56,684 --> 00:01:59,620
"Brooklyn bitty bites,"
went out of business.
42
00:01:59,653 --> 00:02:02,923
Yup, it's being changed
into a medical marijuana store.
43
00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:06,894
I already have
my hole-punch card.
44
00:02:06,927 --> 00:02:11,632
Buy four brownies
and the fifth buzz is free.
45
00:02:11,665 --> 00:02:13,534
Brooklyn bitty bites bit it!
46
00:02:13,567 --> 00:02:14,868
Yeah! We won!
47
00:02:14,902 --> 00:02:18,506
Eat it, red haired lady
and your Asian daughter!
48
00:02:18,539 --> 00:02:21,242
Max, them going down
right after the death
49
00:02:21,275 --> 00:02:23,844
of the cupcake giant,
"crumbs," is scary.
50
00:02:23,877 --> 00:02:25,389
It's like there's
a serial killer out there
51
00:02:25,413 --> 00:02:27,415
coming after cupcakes.
52
00:02:27,448 --> 00:02:29,683
Well, he should be easy
to outrun,
53
00:02:29,717 --> 00:02:32,653
'cause that'll be
one fat Dexter.
54
00:02:32,686 --> 00:02:35,523
Seriously, we have
a big problem.
55
00:02:35,556 --> 00:02:36,790
I'm back!
56
00:02:36,824 --> 00:02:39,593
And there's our little problem.
57
00:02:39,627 --> 00:02:41,667
Wow, you don't usually see
the ventriloquist's dummy
58
00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:45,933
out of his suitcase alone.
59
00:02:45,966 --> 00:02:48,436
Hello, Earl.
Hello, Caroline.
60
00:02:48,469 --> 00:02:50,438
Hello, reason i do two hours
of phone therapy
61
00:02:50,471 --> 00:02:53,741
every Wednesday before work.
62
00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:55,343
So, did you all miss me?
63
00:02:55,376 --> 00:02:56,677
You were gone?
64
00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:57,987
'Cause i swear i
just saw you yesterday.
65
00:02:58,011 --> 00:03:00,914
Wait, maybe that was a cat.
66
00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:02,283
I was gone, people!
67
00:03:02,316 --> 00:03:04,485
To San Francisco
for a convention.
68
00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:06,654
The restaurant
and diner association.
69
00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:08,356
"Radass."
70
00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:13,427
You were at something called
"radass" in San Francisco?
71
00:03:13,461 --> 00:03:16,830
Are you sure it wasn't "redass"?
72
00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:21,235
I am not gay.
I'm restaurant curious.
73
00:03:21,269 --> 00:03:24,572
I discovered an exciting
new item for our menu.
74
00:03:24,605 --> 00:03:26,607
No way.
No new menu additions.
75
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,008
I already lie awake in bed
76
00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:31,612
worrying about how high
the food bar is here.
77
00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:32,613
[Bell dings]
78
00:03:32,646 --> 00:03:34,448
Pick up!
Pulled pork.
79
00:03:34,482 --> 00:03:35,892
And it's good
'cause before i pulled it,
80
00:03:35,916 --> 00:03:40,988
i gave it a dry rub.
81
00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:42,990
It's $4 toast.
82
00:03:43,023 --> 00:03:45,326
$4 toast?
83
00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:48,662
That's $5 more than
our toast is worth.
84
00:03:48,696 --> 00:03:51,332
Delicious, homemade
artisan bread.
85
00:03:51,365 --> 00:03:55,636
At first, i was reluctant to put
something so big in my mouth.
86
00:03:57,971 --> 00:04:03,677
But the hot butter
drizzling down my chin
87
00:04:03,711 --> 00:04:08,449
was my sticky reward.
88
00:04:08,482 --> 00:04:11,485
Han, that toast is
trendy foodie food.
89
00:04:11,519 --> 00:04:14,922
It'll die here,
like my soul did.
90
00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:18,326
Our customers are
just plain, normal people.
91
00:04:18,359 --> 00:04:21,562
Hey, everybody!
92
00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:24,665
And Sophie.
93
00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:25,999
Guess what?
94
00:04:26,033 --> 00:04:28,536
78 guys want me on tinder.
95
00:04:28,569 --> 00:04:29,537
[Phone dings]
96
00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:30,671
Oh, 79!
97
00:04:30,704 --> 00:04:31,672
[Phone dings]
98
00:04:31,705 --> 00:04:34,575
Now it's 80!
99
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:36,043
How long have you
been on tinder?
100
00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:37,044
Ten minutes!
101
00:04:37,077 --> 00:04:38,446
[Phone dings]
102
00:04:38,479 --> 00:04:39,880
Oh, look, oh, my gosh!
103
00:04:39,913 --> 00:04:41,749
This guy's a plumber.
Are you kidding me?
104
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:43,617
Yes, that's a match!
105
00:04:43,651 --> 00:04:44,885
[Phone dings]
106
00:04:44,918 --> 00:04:46,687
And this guy isn't even
wearing a shirt!
107
00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:49,657
That's another big yes!
108
00:04:49,690 --> 00:04:52,426
Oh, gosh, girls,
I'll be over here,
109
00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:56,564
looking at boys in my booth.
110
00:04:56,597 --> 00:04:59,333
Hey, i know a girl who met
her husband on tinder.
111
00:04:59,367 --> 00:05:01,769
No, wait, she saw her husband
on tinder.
112
00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:03,404
[Phone dings]
113
00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:06,039
Hey, are wheelchairs sexy?
114
00:05:06,073 --> 00:05:08,609
I guess it depends
on who's in one.
115
00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:11,111
I say no.
116
00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:12,713
[Phone chirps]
117
00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:14,382
Hold the presses.
118
00:05:14,415 --> 00:05:16,850
I just got a new tweet
from my gal,
119
00:05:16,884 --> 00:05:18,719
Kim Kardashian.
120
00:05:18,752 --> 00:05:21,755
Oh, she just bought her
some new boots in Manhattan.
121
00:05:21,789 --> 00:05:23,491
Kim Kardashian is epic.
122
00:05:23,524 --> 00:05:25,693
She was on the cover of vogue.
She's on fire.
123
00:05:25,726 --> 00:05:27,995
So? I've been on fire.
124
00:05:28,028 --> 00:05:33,367
That's the last time i try
witchcraft for the free snacks.
125
00:05:33,401 --> 00:05:36,003
I love the Kardashians.
126
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:40,007
They're like the Kennedys
but with bigger asses.
127
00:05:43,544 --> 00:05:45,379
Text me next time.
128
00:05:45,413 --> 00:05:48,616
This whole talking thing
is insane.
129
00:05:49,717 --> 00:05:51,018
Hi!
130
00:05:51,051 --> 00:05:52,095
Who would i talk to
about finding the owner
131
00:05:52,119 --> 00:05:53,887
of Max's homemade cupcakes?
132
00:05:53,921 --> 00:05:55,055
That's Max.
I'm Caroline.
133
00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:56,590
We're the owners of this store.
134
00:05:56,624 --> 00:05:59,593
And about four pairs of socks.
135
00:05:59,627 --> 00:06:02,162
Great. Wonderful.
Such a cute shop.
136
00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:03,807
Would you be interested
in having a popular...
137
00:06:03,831 --> 00:06:04,832
Yes.
138
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:06,734
I didn't finish my sentence.
139
00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,144
Sorry, i just haven't heard
the word "popular" in so long.
140
00:06:08,168 --> 00:06:10,404
Oh, yeah, she's over.
141
00:06:10,438 --> 00:06:13,574
She's the blockbuster video
of people.
142
00:06:13,607 --> 00:06:15,776
Would you be interested
in having
143
00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:18,045
a popular reality show
filmed here?
144
00:06:18,078 --> 00:06:20,848
Y...
[Phone rings]
145
00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:22,191
I'm so sorry.
I have to take this.
146
00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:24,017
Just a minute.
147
00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:25,553
What?
148
00:06:25,586 --> 00:06:27,555
Just say it already.
Come on.
149
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:31,058
Max, this is great.
Think of the exposure.
150
00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:32,826
I wonder which reality show
it is.
151
00:06:32,860 --> 00:06:34,495
Ooh, maybe 16 and pregnant
is doing
152
00:06:34,528 --> 00:06:38,866
a "where are they now" segment
and they found me.
153
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:43,871
Or that one about you,
"here comes honey boobless."
154
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:47,975
Do you have any idea who i am?
155
00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:51,945
You just do what i say
or you are out!
156
00:06:53,213 --> 00:06:54,648
Okay.
157
00:06:54,682 --> 00:06:56,517
Mommy loves you.
158
00:06:56,550 --> 00:06:58,619
Sorry, my baby's Nigerian.
159
00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:00,888
I mean, if you're gonna live
here, learn the language.
160
00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:04,024
Jeez.
161
00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:06,594
So what are we thinking?
162
00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:08,228
We'd love it. We're in.
What show?
163
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:09,897
Keeping up with the Kardashians.
164
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,665
Finally, god opens a door.
165
00:07:11,699 --> 00:07:13,501
And I'm closing a window.
166
00:07:13,534 --> 00:07:14,668
Max!
167
00:07:14,702 --> 00:07:15,742
She's overwhelmed.
Big fan.
168
00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:17,170
Do you have a card?
169
00:07:17,204 --> 00:07:19,640
Mm-hmm.
And listen, text me.
170
00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:21,775
Don't call.
It freaks me out.
171
00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:25,746
Just give me one good reason
172
00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:27,581
why we shouldn't keep up
with the Kardashians.
173
00:07:27,615 --> 00:07:29,249
I'll give you five good reasons.
174
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:33,453
Kim, kamber, klondike...
175
00:07:35,188 --> 00:07:37,691
And the little ones,
krispy and kreme.
176
00:07:40,728 --> 00:07:42,029
Not even close.
177
00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:45,933
Fine.
Kim, kooky, kool aid,
178
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:48,468
and the little ones,
kaptain and kangaroo.
179
00:07:49,937 --> 00:07:52,506
It's Kim, Kourtney, Khloe,
Kylie, and Kendall.
180
00:07:52,540 --> 00:07:53,983
That mother has some nerve,
naming a kid
181
00:07:54,007 --> 00:07:59,112
who's probably never even read
a book "kindle."
182
00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:00,814
We need this.
183
00:08:00,848 --> 00:08:02,916
Everyone watches keeping up
with the Kardashians.
184
00:08:02,950 --> 00:08:04,585
It's like
dancing with the stars,
185
00:08:04,618 --> 00:08:05,786
but without the stars.
186
00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:08,589
So, dancing with the stars.
187
00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:13,293
Okay, tell me one good thing
about this show that i hate,
188
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:15,796
'cause I've never seen it.
189
00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:17,040
Well, it's all about this family
190
00:08:17,064 --> 00:08:20,000
and their struggle to...
191
00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:24,538
Keep up.
192
00:08:24,572 --> 00:08:26,574
Yeah, okay.
I've never seen it either.
193
00:08:31,912 --> 00:08:33,657
Sophie, thank you so much
for letting us come up
194
00:08:33,681 --> 00:08:35,048
after work to watch your TV.
195
00:08:35,082 --> 00:08:38,652
Max turned our old one
into a bong.
196
00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:41,689
That was another time
i was on fire.
197
00:08:41,722 --> 00:08:44,091
Well, which episode do you want
to watch?
198
00:08:44,124 --> 00:08:45,726
"Kim gets a new hat."
199
00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:50,564
Or "Kylie cries at Coachella"?
200
00:08:50,598 --> 00:08:53,233
Or "Khloe gets a bikini wax"?
201
00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:55,869
Now that one's a classic.
202
00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:58,105
How many of these
do you have dvr'd?
203
00:08:58,138 --> 00:09:01,274
Well, i got 17 on this TV
204
00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:04,044
and 53 on the one
in the bedroom.
205
00:09:04,077 --> 00:09:07,180
I like to go to sleep
with the sound of Kim's voice.
206
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:10,618
It's so comforting
when she says,
207
00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:14,087
[as Kim kardashian]
This is super awkward."
208
00:09:16,089 --> 00:09:18,659
And you know, sometimes she
arches her back
209
00:09:18,692 --> 00:09:21,028
when she says it, like this.
210
00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:24,965
"This is super awkward."
211
00:09:27,701 --> 00:09:30,337
This is super awkward.
212
00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:33,707
You know, i bet you
if i stayed in Poland,
213
00:09:33,741 --> 00:09:36,877
my sisters and i would have
had our own show.
214
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:41,281
It would've been called,
keeping up with the kachinskis.
215
00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:45,653
It's too bad we all didn't live
to see 20.
216
00:09:45,686 --> 00:09:47,988
It's not cute.
217
00:09:48,021 --> 00:09:49,833
[Indistinct chatter on tv]
You know i need someone
to make me laugh.
218
00:09:49,857 --> 00:09:52,092
Where's Kim?
Kim is always late.
219
00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:56,196
[Indistinct chatter]
220
00:09:56,229 --> 00:09:57,229
Stop!
221
00:09:58,431 --> 00:09:59,967
Thanks, guys.
222
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,368
That's it, we're done.
Money.
223
00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:06,874
Hey, get the hell out!
It's morning!
224
00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:08,184
I know, i know,
but we couldn't stop
225
00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:11,178
watching them do nothing.
226
00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:13,847
This show is freaking genius!
227
00:10:13,881 --> 00:10:16,784
Is the blonde one crying?
228
00:10:16,817 --> 00:10:19,052
Mm-hmm.
Kris and Kim are in Vienna
229
00:10:19,086 --> 00:10:21,855
and someone stole
kris's bottega bag
230
00:10:21,889 --> 00:10:24,157
and her Chanel clutch
with the matching pumps
231
00:10:24,191 --> 00:10:27,928
that she bought in Paris.
232
00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:32,432
All right, well, i have to go
take my morning tinkle.
233
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:37,270
But when i come back,
i want you two to be out of here
234
00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:41,909
because i need that swing
for my exercises.
235
00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:46,413
We have to do this show.
236
00:10:46,446 --> 00:10:48,415
It'll be so great
for our business.
237
00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:50,117
The only way we'd get
more exposure
238
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:52,419
is if Orlando bloom and bieber
bitchslapped each other
239
00:10:52,452 --> 00:10:56,256
in front of our shop.
240
00:10:56,289 --> 00:10:57,991
Who cares about our business?
241
00:10:58,025 --> 00:11:01,261
I want that mother to adopt me!
242
00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:04,932
Her kid makes a sex tape,
she turns it into millions.
243
00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:07,100
The only thing my mother
ever did with my sex tape
244
00:11:07,134 --> 00:11:09,803
was copy it
and give it to her boyfriend.
245
00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:16,409
I'm so excited.
246
00:11:16,443 --> 00:11:18,812
Max, this is what i look like
when I'm happy.
247
00:11:18,846 --> 00:11:20,881
You've never seen it.
248
00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:25,685
Please call me by my new name,
khlamydia Kardashian.
249
00:11:29,089 --> 00:11:30,724
Don't say anything stupid
like that.
250
00:11:30,758 --> 00:11:32,492
I won't have to say anything.
251
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,327
Kris will see me
and recognize me
252
00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:36,363
as one of her own
with my lips, my boobs,
253
00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:41,201
and my willingness to live
in some place called calabasas.
254
00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:43,203
They're here.
My life changes now!
255
00:11:43,236 --> 00:11:44,204
This is what i look like happy.
256
00:11:44,237 --> 00:11:47,207
You've never seen it.
257
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,510
Hi, we are so, so excited
about this.
258
00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:51,945
There has been a change.
259
00:11:51,979 --> 00:11:53,113
They're not coming.
260
00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:55,248
It's too far to walk in heels.
261
00:11:55,282 --> 00:11:57,217
See? She might as well
have been my real mom
262
00:11:57,250 --> 00:12:00,287
'cause she just chose a heel
over me.
263
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:04,157
Hi, here i am to meet kiki,
my bff.
264
00:12:04,191 --> 00:12:07,360
And look at my new dress!
Twinsies!
265
00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:10,798
They certainly are.
266
00:12:10,831 --> 00:12:13,066
Sorry, she's not coming.
267
00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:15,803
We had to film them
in jamba juice instead.
268
00:12:15,836 --> 00:12:17,504
Oh.
269
00:12:17,537 --> 00:12:21,108
Well, this is super awkward.
270
00:12:26,313 --> 00:12:29,850
[Clanking cookware]
271
00:12:29,883 --> 00:12:31,384
Stupid Kardashians!
272
00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:33,220
Kim, kankels, krank,
273
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:35,555
and the little ones,
kegel and kickball,
274
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:37,457
you can kiss my keister.
275
00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:40,994
Max, stop it!
I'm trying to sleep.
276
00:12:41,028 --> 00:12:43,496
Well, sorry, but I'm pissed
and it's 11:30 anyway.
277
00:12:43,530 --> 00:12:45,032
What's going on?
278
00:12:45,065 --> 00:12:48,135
Even one tweet from Kim
would have exposed us
279
00:12:48,168 --> 00:12:50,403
to 22 million followers.
280
00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:53,006
Scientology doesn't even
have those numbers.
281
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:55,142
They screwed us.
I know.
282
00:12:55,175 --> 00:12:57,444
That is why I'm making
hate cupcakes
283
00:12:57,477 --> 00:12:59,046
for the Kardashians, see?
284
00:12:59,079 --> 00:13:01,949
"Eat it," "bite me,"
285
00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:05,318
and these three...
"Get" "a" "job."
286
00:13:05,352 --> 00:13:07,363
Oh, and one for the mom
that says, "i still love you,"
287
00:13:07,387 --> 00:13:09,456
just in case.
288
00:13:09,489 --> 00:13:11,024
Now come on, get up.
289
00:13:11,058 --> 00:13:14,294
Your son needs to go out
and take an 8-foot crap.
290
00:13:14,327 --> 00:13:16,196
No, I'm done.
291
00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:18,832
If everyone's done
with cupcakes, so am i.
292
00:13:18,866 --> 00:13:20,844
I'm done pretending that
everything's gonna work out.
293
00:13:20,868 --> 00:13:24,371
In our reality show, it's not.
294
00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:27,841
Look, get up, or i will close
this bed with you in it,
295
00:13:27,875 --> 00:13:31,811
and your new reality show will
be true life: I live in a wall.
296
00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:36,583
I'm not getting up.
Ever.
297
00:13:36,616 --> 00:13:38,952
Aah! Max, stop, stop it!
Stop it!
298
00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:41,354
Put me down!
Put me down!
299
00:13:42,622 --> 00:13:45,592
What's happening?
300
00:13:45,625 --> 00:13:47,227
I can't lift my head.
301
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:48,628
Did i have a stroke?
302
00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:51,064
Calm down.
No one has stroked in your bed
303
00:13:51,098 --> 00:13:53,433
since... what is it,
going on a year?
304
00:13:53,466 --> 00:13:56,436
Max.
My hair is caught.
305
00:13:56,469 --> 00:13:58,338
My hair is caught!
My hair is caught!
306
00:13:58,371 --> 00:13:59,606
Who are you yelling at?
307
00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:02,142
The whole situation!
Do something!
308
00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:04,544
Let me look.
309
00:14:04,577 --> 00:14:08,548
Oh yeah, it's all caught up
in the bed gears here.
310
00:14:08,581 --> 00:14:09,950
Oh my god, i have a bed
with gears
311
00:14:09,983 --> 00:14:14,621
and my hair is caught in it!
312
00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:16,623
Ooh, nope.
313
00:14:16,656 --> 00:14:18,892
It's really all stuck up
in there.
314
00:14:18,926 --> 00:14:20,427
It's so odd.
315
00:14:20,460 --> 00:14:23,030
I don't know how a thing like
this could happen.
316
00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:27,234
Uh, you put me up into the wall.
317
00:14:27,267 --> 00:14:28,511
And now I'm trapped
in a Murphy bed
318
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:31,238
like some welfare rapunzel.
319
00:14:31,271 --> 00:14:33,106
Stop panicking,
I'll get a scissors.
320
00:14:33,140 --> 00:14:35,042
Oh, yeah, yeah!
Get the scissors.
321
00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:37,110
Then plunge 'em into my heart
'cause I'd rather die
322
00:14:37,144 --> 00:14:39,212
than cut my hair.
323
00:14:39,246 --> 00:14:42,082
Okay, Max, i think i have
something that might work,
324
00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:43,650
but you have to promise me
325
00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:46,519
that you will never bring
this up again.
326
00:14:46,553 --> 00:14:47,630
What?
The fact that your head
327
00:14:47,654 --> 00:14:49,156
is stuck to your bed?
328
00:14:49,189 --> 00:14:52,692
Sorry, that's coming up again.
329
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,227
Go into my nightstand
330
00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:56,163
and get my cinnamon-flavored
make-up remover.
331
00:14:58,065 --> 00:15:00,533
You mean the lube?
332
00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:02,702
Can we please call it
make-up remover?
333
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:06,473
Please!
I need us to do that.
334
00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:08,375
It's almost empty.
335
00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:12,045
Man, you've removed
a lot of make-up.
336
00:15:12,079 --> 00:15:13,480
Stop it!
Just squeeze some out
337
00:15:13,513 --> 00:15:16,016
and put it on the parts
that we need to move.
338
00:15:16,049 --> 00:15:19,319
Yeah, I'm familiar.
339
00:15:19,352 --> 00:15:21,421
Ew!
340
00:15:21,454 --> 00:15:23,023
[Whining]
341
00:15:23,056 --> 00:15:25,325
Please tell me it's working.
342
00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:30,097
I'm trying, but i don't think
i can get your hair out.
343
00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:33,333
Good news is, i think we
can fit a penis in there.
344
00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:34,601
[Knock on door]
345
00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:36,169
Who could that be?
346
00:15:36,203 --> 00:15:38,938
A rapist we've done most
of the work for.
347
00:15:47,347 --> 00:15:49,416
Oh, we were just talking
about you.
348
00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:52,252
Max, you gotta help me with
the bread for han's toast.
349
00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:54,054
I've already burned
ten of these.
350
00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:59,459
Turns out the only thing
i can successfully bake is meth.
351
00:15:59,492 --> 00:16:02,662
Oleg, come to the bed.
I need you!
352
00:16:02,695 --> 00:16:04,998
All right!
353
00:16:05,032 --> 00:16:08,235
Only took you four years,
but I'm here, baby.
354
00:16:08,268 --> 00:16:10,303
No, it's not like that, Oleg.
355
00:16:10,337 --> 00:16:11,771
Just get over here!
356
00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:13,073
Okay.
357
00:16:13,106 --> 00:16:14,106
Hold this.
358
00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:26,553
Earl, what are you doing here?
359
00:16:26,586 --> 00:16:29,089
Oleg called me
when he couldn't get Caroline
360
00:16:29,122 --> 00:16:31,758
to stop the screaming.
361
00:16:31,791 --> 00:16:36,363
Hi, Max.
Earl gave me part of a brownie.
362
00:16:36,396 --> 00:16:39,166
Turns out, glaucoma
and having hair stuck
363
00:16:39,199 --> 00:16:43,103
take the exact same
prescription.
364
00:16:43,136 --> 00:16:44,237
Look!
365
00:16:44,271 --> 00:16:46,306
That's right, you mothers!
366
00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:48,108
I did it!
367
00:16:48,141 --> 00:16:50,143
I made the perfect bread!
368
00:16:53,613 --> 00:16:57,584
You're a chef who took 19 hours
to make one loaf of bread.
369
00:16:57,617 --> 00:17:02,455
Stephen Hawking was more
successful at the 100-yard dash.
370
00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:04,591
And you...
You are aware
371
00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:07,094
that i went all the way
into Manhattan,
372
00:17:07,127 --> 00:17:09,129
cupcake-bombed
Kim Kardashian's hotel,
373
00:17:09,162 --> 00:17:10,763
and you're still just
laying here, right?
374
00:17:10,797 --> 00:17:12,299
Didn't you have to pee?
375
00:17:12,332 --> 00:17:15,402
I held most of it in.
376
00:17:15,435 --> 00:17:17,504
This is crazy.
You've been here all day.
377
00:17:17,537 --> 00:17:19,439
Let's just cut
your damn hair already.
378
00:17:19,472 --> 00:17:22,342
I wouldn't be me
without my hair.
379
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:23,810
I can't live without it.
380
00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:25,612
Yes, you can.
381
00:17:25,645 --> 00:17:26,846
You have lived without money,
382
00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:28,481
you've lived without
electricity,
383
00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:30,150
you've lived without plumbing.
384
00:17:30,183 --> 00:17:31,751
What do you think got me
through it?
385
00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:33,586
My hair.
386
00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:35,298
I'd be like, "lost all my money,
the toilet's clogged,
387
00:17:35,322 --> 00:17:37,424
still got my hair."
388
00:17:37,457 --> 00:17:39,292
[Knock at door]
389
00:17:39,326 --> 00:17:41,461
Darling, i don't think
those brownies are kicking in.
390
00:17:41,494 --> 00:17:44,331
I also have some lollipops.
391
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:48,701
I hope you're happy.
392
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,446
I didn't see anything through
the peep-hole,
393
00:17:50,470 --> 00:17:52,472
so I'm guessing it's han.
394
00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:55,842
Ah, hello!
395
00:17:55,875 --> 00:17:59,179
I have an open diner
and no diner staff!
396
00:17:59,212 --> 00:18:04,184
Han, look, i made perfect bread.
397
00:18:04,217 --> 00:18:06,886
Oh, wow.
It's bigger than I'm used to.
398
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:11,424
Let me just take a minute
and breathe.
399
00:18:11,458 --> 00:18:14,127
And I'm sure
i can take it all in.
400
00:18:16,529 --> 00:18:17,864
Well, if you need any help,
401
00:18:17,897 --> 00:18:19,866
Caroline's got
some make-up remover.
402
00:18:22,902 --> 00:18:26,906
Kiki tweet, kiki tweet,
kiki tweet!
403
00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:28,608
She's saying "kiki tweet"!
404
00:18:28,641 --> 00:18:31,478
How did he understand that?
Is he part dolphin?
405
00:18:34,547 --> 00:18:37,684
Kim Kardashian tweeted
a pic of my mean cupcakes
406
00:18:37,717 --> 00:18:42,489
and said, "Max's homemade
cupcakes ♪notcool."
407
00:18:44,257 --> 00:18:49,796
Oh, my god, Kim Kardashian
hates someone i know!
408
00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:54,534
That went out to
22 million people!
409
00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:56,803
I'm so sorry.
Why?
410
00:18:56,836 --> 00:19:00,607
Do you know how many people
can't stand the Kardashians?
411
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,309
Our cupcake window
will be packed!
412
00:19:02,342 --> 00:19:04,777
Cut me loose.
413
00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:08,815
Hey, Caroline,
we're finally about to scissor.
414
00:19:10,783 --> 00:19:11,784
Are you sure?
415
00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:13,653
We got a business to run.
416
00:19:13,686 --> 00:19:15,154
Cut it, I'll be fine.
417
00:19:24,231 --> 00:19:28,368
Aah!
418
00:19:28,401 --> 00:19:31,704
Yeah, you're gonna need
that lollipop.
419
00:19:37,810 --> 00:19:40,680
Yeah, i know,
those Kardashians are the worst.
420
00:19:40,713 --> 00:19:43,416
That's why i don't keep up
with them anymore.
421
00:19:43,450 --> 00:19:46,619
All right, Max.
Okay, that's it.
422
00:19:46,653 --> 00:19:48,721
Just one left.
Not bad.
423
00:19:48,755 --> 00:19:50,323
And your hair's not bad either.
424
00:19:50,357 --> 00:19:51,691
Yeah, now,
425
00:19:51,724 --> 00:19:53,560
after the emergency trip
to that salon.
426
00:19:53,593 --> 00:19:54,827
When you got done with me,
427
00:19:54,861 --> 00:19:56,996
i looked like
a baby bird on chemo.
428
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:59,766
I'm sorry i had to use the last
of our savings for my hair cut.
429
00:19:59,799 --> 00:20:02,269
No, you're not.
No, i am not,
i love this.
430
00:20:14,481 --> 00:20:15,582
Hi, I'm Kim.
431
00:20:15,615 --> 00:20:16,983
[Both exhaling heavily]
432
00:20:17,016 --> 00:20:18,718
I just wanted to say sorry
433
00:20:18,751 --> 00:20:20,720
that we didn't film here
the other day.
434
00:20:20,753 --> 00:20:24,324
It almost hurts to look at her.
435
00:20:24,357 --> 00:20:26,426
I know how hard
us girls really work
436
00:20:26,459 --> 00:20:27,603
to keep our businesses going,
437
00:20:27,627 --> 00:20:28,995
so I'll take a cupcake
438
00:20:29,028 --> 00:20:31,631
and I'll totally tweet
about it for real.
439
00:20:31,664 --> 00:20:33,366
[Squeaks]
Thank you so much.
440
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:36,603
Here, here, here, here, here.
441
00:20:36,636 --> 00:20:38,605
We can't break a $100,
and anyway,
442
00:20:38,638 --> 00:20:39,639
this is so on the house.
443
00:20:39,672 --> 00:20:43,610
Oh, thanks.
444
00:20:43,643 --> 00:20:46,012
Cute hair.
445
00:20:46,045 --> 00:20:48,415
Wait.
Real quick...
446
00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:52,051
Do you think your mother
would adopt me?
447
00:20:52,084 --> 00:20:54,253
This is super awkward.
448
00:20:56,389 --> 00:20:59,392
[Squealing quietly]
449
00:21:02,562 --> 00:21:04,531
[Both shrieking and laughing]
32194
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