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♪ dramatic music ♪
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♪♪♪
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00:00:13,125 --> 00:00:15,542
[Male announcer] Ladies and
gentlemen, let her hear it--
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00:00:15,542 --> 00:00:17,667
the one and only black unicorn,
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00:00:17,667 --> 00:00:20,333
Miss Tiffany Haddish.
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00:00:20,333 --> 00:00:23,667
[cheers and applause]
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♪ hip-hop music ♪
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♪♪♪
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What up, L.A.? Whoo!
I'm feeling so good.
10
00:00:42,291 --> 00:00:43,458
I'm feeling like it's nothing
but opportunity
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00:00:43,458 --> 00:00:48,375
in the world right now,
'cause I'm ovulating and stuff.
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00:00:48,375 --> 00:00:50,250
And I smell good credit
in the room.
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00:00:50,250 --> 00:00:52,709
Smell like inheritances
and everything.
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00:00:52,709 --> 00:00:55,291
What's up? Yes.
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00:00:55,291 --> 00:00:58,291
I'm feeling super sexy
'cause this background,
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00:00:58,291 --> 00:00:59,417
everything in here
is so beautiful.
17
00:00:59,417 --> 00:01:04,166
Isn't it beautiful?
I feel so classy and elegant.
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00:01:04,166 --> 00:01:08,291
I just want to Crip walk
in this motha.
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Classy than a motherfucker.
Feeling elegant as shit.
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00:01:15,792 --> 00:01:17,041
Sorry, I just really
wanted to be ratchet
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00:01:17,041 --> 00:01:18,875
for ten seconds.
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00:01:18,875 --> 00:01:22,208
Feel so good, though.
23
00:01:22,208 --> 00:01:23,750
I feel like I've
come a long way.
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00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:24,875
Whoo!
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00:01:29,875 --> 00:01:31,250
I love that we
doing these shows.
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We still kind of in the hood,
27
00:01:32,875 --> 00:01:34,125
but we not quite in the hood.
28
00:01:34,125 --> 00:01:35,583
We hood adjacent right now.
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I love it.
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00:01:36,917 --> 00:01:39,083
I love it. I love it.
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00:01:39,083 --> 00:01:41,583
And I just feel like, you know,
now I'm a stand-up comedian.
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You know, I started out
as a model.
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00:01:43,583 --> 00:01:44,792
I was a model, y'all--
at the Slauson Swapmeet.
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00:01:44,792 --> 00:01:47,166
I been modeling there.
35
00:01:47,166 --> 00:01:50,083
For 15 years,
I've been modeling there
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00:01:50,083 --> 00:01:52,125
in that booth L7,
like, "What?"
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00:01:52,125 --> 00:01:53,959
I got all the best
ratchet poses.
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One.
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Pose two.
Pose three.
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00:01:58,583 --> 00:02:00,834
That's the one you
send pookie in jail.
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00:02:04,083 --> 00:02:08,583
That one-hour photo
in the swap meet.
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00:02:08,583 --> 00:02:14,125
There's a lot of us in here
that took pictures there.
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Thought you was cute as shit.
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00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:17,709
"Bitch, I'm finna put this
in my binder, bitch.
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00:02:17,709 --> 00:02:22,291
So everybody could see
how cute I was that day."
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00:02:22,291 --> 00:02:24,208
You had a little airbrush
background and shit.
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00:02:24,208 --> 00:02:25,834
You're like...
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Why every dude want
to show they throat?
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00:02:39,750 --> 00:02:41,667
Can't even see
your face, homeboy.
50
00:02:41,667 --> 00:02:43,917
You got that throat, though.
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00:02:43,917 --> 00:02:47,417
Rockin' that throat.
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00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:49,750
I grew up in foster care.
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00:02:49,750 --> 00:02:51,166
Anybody else grew up
in the system?
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00:02:51,166 --> 00:02:52,500
Make some noise
if you was in the system!
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So I'm the only special
motherfucker here, huh?
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00:02:58,792 --> 00:03:01,041
It's cool. It's cool.
I was state property.
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I'm valuable, okay?
I am valuable.
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All the rest of y'all,
y'all mamas
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00:03:04,417 --> 00:03:06,500
and daddies had to love you.
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00:03:06,500 --> 00:03:09,500
They didn't get paid
or nothing, okay?
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00:03:09,500 --> 00:03:12,333
Anybody house that I
walked into from the time
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00:03:12,333 --> 00:03:13,625
I was 11 till I was grown,
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they got paid off of me, bitch.
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I come with a check.
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Uh!
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I'm valuable.
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00:03:21,625 --> 00:03:23,166
Oh, I want to say
thank you to anyone
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00:03:23,166 --> 00:03:26,834
who paid taxes
between 1990 and 1999.
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00:03:26,834 --> 00:03:30,041
Thank you so much,
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00:03:30,041 --> 00:03:31,583
'cause without
your tax dollars,
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00:03:31,583 --> 00:03:33,750
I wouldn't be standing
here right now today.
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You know, the state
of California
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00:03:35,250 --> 00:03:37,208
paid so much money
to make sure I don't die,
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00:03:37,208 --> 00:03:40,709
'cause they knew
I was gonna be special.
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00:03:40,709 --> 00:03:41,667
They knew it.
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00:03:42,417 --> 00:03:44,417
They knew it.
They was like,
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00:03:44,417 --> 00:03:46,875
"Oh, this one right here?
This one right here?
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00:03:46,875 --> 00:03:48,959
She gonna be a unicorn."
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And they was right.
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I'm the last
black unicorn, bitch.
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[chuffs]
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00:03:56,250 --> 00:03:57,375
[neighs]
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00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:11,083
I feel valuable.
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00:04:11,083 --> 00:04:12,291
I remember when I first went
into foster care, I hated it.
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00:04:12,291 --> 00:04:14,250
I didn't like it.
It was messed up.
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00:04:14,250 --> 00:04:16,667
I didn't want to be
a part of it.
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00:04:16,667 --> 00:04:17,709
I fuckin' hated it.
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00:04:17,709 --> 00:04:20,750
'Cause kids used
to make fun of me. It was...
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00:04:20,750 --> 00:04:22,208
This one bitch named Keyosha,
ooh, I hate this bitch.
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00:04:22,208 --> 00:04:25,875
To this day,
I can't stand that bitch.
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00:04:25,875 --> 00:04:27,542
Saw her ass
a couple of years ago,
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00:04:27,542 --> 00:04:29,291
she was working
in a Walmart as a greeter.
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00:04:29,291 --> 00:04:31,834
I was like, "Hiii.
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00:04:31,834 --> 00:04:34,959
That's what happens
to bullies, bitch."
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She had a dead leg and shit.
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00:04:37,083 --> 00:04:39,834
I was like, "Ha ha,
limbs die to bullies.
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00:04:39,834 --> 00:04:41,333
All bullies' limbs die.
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00:04:41,333 --> 00:04:43,917
Ha ha."
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00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:46,750
That's what your ass get.
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00:04:46,750 --> 00:04:48,917
Should have been a motherfuckin'
pirate on the Pirates
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00:04:48,917 --> 00:04:51,750
of the Caribbean ride
at Disney Land, bitch.
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00:04:51,750 --> 00:04:54,000
Ol' raggedy-ass bitch.
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Oh, yo-ho,
yo-ho ass bitch.
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Hated her.
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00:05:00,625 --> 00:05:02,291
I hated her because
she wouldn't let me be,
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00:05:02,291 --> 00:05:04,834
like--I don't know about y'all,
107
00:05:04,834 --> 00:05:07,333
but my favorite game
in school was tetherball.
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00:05:07,333 --> 00:05:12,125
That was my favorite
fucking game.
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00:05:12,125 --> 00:05:14,875
I think tetherball's
the best way to get out anger,
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00:05:14,875 --> 00:05:16,667
get out frustration,
especially as a child.
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00:05:16,667 --> 00:05:17,709
You just release
all that tension,
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00:05:17,709 --> 00:05:20,667
you get to hit that
yellow ball right there
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00:05:20,667 --> 00:05:22,917
attached to that rope wrapping
around that pole.
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You just, "Ahh!
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Yah! Yah!"
And you see it wrap around.
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00:05:28,875 --> 00:05:31,375
You're like,
"Yeah, I'm winning!"
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Sometimes you play your enemy
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and hit them dead in the face,
their nose bleed.
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00:05:36,125 --> 00:05:39,166
You're like, "Yes!
I fucking run the playground!
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00:05:39,166 --> 00:05:41,375
I am the king!
121
00:05:41,375 --> 00:05:43,000
'Game of Thrones' style, bitch!"
That's what I felt like.
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00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:46,709
Felt powerful.
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00:05:48,291 --> 00:05:51,250
This bitch, Keyosha,
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00:05:51,250 --> 00:05:53,542
she found out
I was in the system.
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00:05:53,542 --> 00:05:54,834
She didn't want
to let me play.
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00:05:54,834 --> 00:05:58,375
Coming up to play tetherball,
she like, "Uh-uh, Tiffany.
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00:05:58,375 --> 00:06:02,583
Only people with mamas
and daddies can play."
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00:06:02,583 --> 00:06:04,750
Bitch, we don't even know
if that's your real daddy.
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00:06:04,750 --> 00:06:07,333
How you gonna do me?
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00:06:07,333 --> 00:06:09,458
Just 'cause you 15
in the 6th grade
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00:06:09,458 --> 00:06:13,542
don't mean you get
to run the playground, Keyosha.
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00:06:13,542 --> 00:06:14,959
She wouldn't let me play,
though.
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00:06:14,959 --> 00:06:16,417
Three weeks of her bullying me,
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00:06:16,417 --> 00:06:17,208
three weeks of her
telling me I can't play,
135
00:06:17,208 --> 00:06:19,875
three weeks of her punkin' me,
136
00:06:19,875 --> 00:06:21,875
and I couldn't take it no more.
137
00:06:21,875 --> 00:06:23,709
I fuckin' lost it.
138
00:06:23,709 --> 00:06:25,542
I needed to play tetherball.
139
00:06:25,542 --> 00:06:29,166
I mean, tetherball's
the best thing.
140
00:06:29,166 --> 00:06:31,208
I really think they should have
tetherballs in the workplace,
141
00:06:31,208 --> 00:06:33,750
'cause when you get upset
with your boss
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00:06:33,750 --> 00:06:35,542
or whatever, your coworkers
working your nerves,
143
00:06:35,542 --> 00:06:38,291
you need to be like,
"Uh, 'scuse me.
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00:06:38,291 --> 00:06:40,792
I need a break.
I need a tetherball break."
145
00:06:43,041 --> 00:06:45,542
Yah!
Yah!
146
00:06:45,542 --> 00:06:48,458
Okay, I'm ready to go
back to work now."
147
00:06:48,458 --> 00:06:50,792
This would keep a lot of people
from getting shot at work.
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00:06:50,792 --> 00:06:53,041
I'm just saying.
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00:06:53,041 --> 00:06:54,375
Wouldn't let me play.
150
00:06:54,375 --> 00:06:56,500
I got mad.
Couldn't take it.
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00:06:56,500 --> 00:06:58,583
Three weeks of bullying me.
Three weeks of picking on me.
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00:06:58,583 --> 00:07:01,125
Three weeks of not
letting me play my game.
153
00:07:01,125 --> 00:07:02,625
I lost it.
154
00:07:02,625 --> 00:07:03,875
Had my very
first psychotic break.
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00:07:03,875 --> 00:07:07,750
I was in line like, "Yeah,
I'm playing tetherball today."
156
00:07:12,041 --> 00:07:13,083
I don't care
what she say.
157
00:07:13,083 --> 00:07:17,208
Today is gonna be the day
that I play tetherball."
158
00:07:17,208 --> 00:07:19,750
I was like out of
a slave movie or something.
159
00:07:19,750 --> 00:07:23,375
"Oh, I'm gonna go
to tetherball freedom today.
160
00:07:23,375 --> 00:07:26,583
She gon' let me play today."
161
00:07:28,083 --> 00:07:30,583
And I get up to the front
of the line, and she like,
162
00:07:30,583 --> 00:07:32,917
"Uh-uh, Tiffany,
only peoples with mamas
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00:07:32,917 --> 00:07:34,375
and daddies can play."
164
00:07:34,375 --> 00:07:35,792
I was like...
165
00:07:38,417 --> 00:07:40,208
"You know what?
You know what, Keyosha?
166
00:07:40,208 --> 00:07:41,959
You know what?
You know what, Keyosha?"
167
00:07:41,959 --> 00:07:44,709
'Cause that's what black women
do when we get upset.
168
00:07:44,709 --> 00:07:48,583
We repeat ourselves
over and over and over again,
169
00:07:48,583 --> 00:07:50,625
and we throw this hand
out here like this,
170
00:07:50,625 --> 00:07:51,583
'cause we 'bout to snatch your
soul out your body....
171
00:07:57,166 --> 00:08:00,083
On some Indiana Jones
"navi da shakti de" type shit.
172
00:08:00,083 --> 00:08:03,625
We 'bout to Kali Ma your spirit.
173
00:08:03,625 --> 00:08:05,917
That's what we 'bout to do.
And I was like, "You know what?
174
00:08:05,917 --> 00:08:06,959
"You know what, Keyosha?
You know what?
175
00:08:06,959 --> 00:08:09,333
You know what, Keyosha?
You right. You right.
176
00:08:09,333 --> 00:08:11,250
I don't have no mama
and no daddy,
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00:08:11,250 --> 00:08:13,625
but you know what I do got?
You know what I do got, bitch?
178
00:08:13,625 --> 00:08:15,792
You know what I do got?
You know what I do got, bitch?
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00:08:15,792 --> 00:08:17,834
I got a judge and a lawyer, ho.
Do you got a judge and a lawyer?
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00:08:17,834 --> 00:08:21,542
I don't think so, bitch.
And you know what else I got?
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00:08:21,542 --> 00:08:23,709
You know what else I got,
Keyosha?
182
00:08:23,709 --> 00:08:25,333
You know what else I got?
183
00:08:25,333 --> 00:08:26,834
You know what else
I got, Keyosha?
184
00:08:26,834 --> 00:08:28,417
You know what else I got?
185
00:08:28,417 --> 00:08:30,333
You know what else
I got, Keyosha?
186
00:08:30,333 --> 00:08:31,542
I got a social worker that come
and see me every two weeks.
187
00:08:31,542 --> 00:08:33,208
Do you got a social worker
188
00:08:33,208 --> 00:08:34,625
that come and see you
every two weeks?
189
00:08:34,625 --> 00:08:36,041
No, 'cause you
not special, bitch.
190
00:08:36,041 --> 00:08:37,583
And you know what else I got,
Keyosha? You know what else?
191
00:08:37,583 --> 00:08:40,291
You know what else
I got, Keyosha?
192
00:08:40,291 --> 00:08:41,166
You know what else?
You know what else, Keyosha?
193
00:08:41,166 --> 00:08:43,458
You know what else?
194
00:08:43,458 --> 00:08:45,500
Yo mama and daddy
been paying taxes
195
00:08:45,500 --> 00:08:46,625
since before you was born,
and if you died tomorrow,
196
00:08:46,625 --> 00:08:49,041
they will still
be paying taxes,
197
00:08:49,041 --> 00:08:50,458
and you know
what them tax dollars do?
198
00:08:50,458 --> 00:08:51,333
Pay for my judge and my lawyer
199
00:08:51,333 --> 00:08:55,000
and my social worker, bitch.
200
00:08:58,458 --> 00:09:01,333
So seems to me like your mama
and daddy love me way more
201
00:09:01,333 --> 00:09:02,667
than they love you, bitch."
202
00:09:07,542 --> 00:09:09,208
She beat the dog shit
out of me, y'all.
203
00:09:09,208 --> 00:09:12,458
She beat me so bad,
204
00:09:12,458 --> 00:09:14,166
had me hanging
from the tetherball pole.
205
00:09:14,166 --> 00:09:15,709
Police came, I pressed charges,
206
00:09:15,709 --> 00:09:18,625
she ended up with a judge
and a lawyer,
207
00:09:18,625 --> 00:09:21,166
'cause what goes around comes
around in this motherfucker.
208
00:09:21,166 --> 00:09:22,875
It's just like tetherball.
209
00:09:27,083 --> 00:09:28,458
But then I fell in love
with foster care, y'all.
210
00:09:28,458 --> 00:09:31,000
I started to see
the beauty in it,
211
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:31,750
and that's the thing,
like, with my life.
212
00:09:31,750 --> 00:09:33,917
I find the beauty
in everything.
213
00:09:33,917 --> 00:09:35,500
No matter how bad
something get,
214
00:09:35,500 --> 00:09:36,542
I can find the beauty
in anything.
215
00:09:36,542 --> 00:09:39,000
And when I was in foster care,
216
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:41,041
I started to realize
how awesome it was,
217
00:09:41,041 --> 00:09:43,834
because I got to live with so
many different types of people.
218
00:09:43,834 --> 00:09:46,834
My very first foster family--
they were Hispanic.
219
00:09:46,834 --> 00:09:48,000
They taught me
how to speak Spanish.
220
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:49,250
[speaking Spanish]
221
00:09:49,250 --> 00:09:52,000
Me encantan los hamburguesas
sin los tacos, papichula.
222
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,875
Comer mi panocha.
223
00:09:53,875 --> 00:09:56,959
And I always--
I always have fun
224
00:09:56,959 --> 00:09:59,291
when I say that in Mexico,
225
00:09:59,291 --> 00:10:02,917
'cause a Spanish dude
go down on me, you know?
226
00:10:02,917 --> 00:10:06,583
And they taught me so much.
They taught me how to cook.
227
00:10:06,583 --> 00:10:07,542
I know how to make carne
asada tacos,
228
00:10:07,542 --> 00:10:09,750
enchiladas, papusas, menudo.
229
00:10:09,750 --> 00:10:12,917
I know how to make
horchata from scratch.
230
00:10:12,917 --> 00:10:14,417
They taught me how to cut grass
231
00:10:14,417 --> 00:10:16,458
and how to deliver babies.
232
00:10:19,333 --> 00:10:21,709
They taught me how to build
houses from the ground up.
233
00:10:21,709 --> 00:10:22,875
I can build you
a motherfucking house.
234
00:10:22,875 --> 00:10:25,834
They taught me how to get a job
outside the Home Depot.
235
00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:28,542
They...
236
00:10:28,542 --> 00:10:31,333
they taught me how to fix cars.
I can fix a transmission.
237
00:10:31,333 --> 00:10:32,959
I can rebuild
a carburetor--wait, no, wait.
238
00:10:32,959 --> 00:10:34,667
They taught me how to
rebuild an alternator
239
00:10:34,667 --> 00:10:35,333
and how to steal a carburetor.
240
00:10:35,333 --> 00:10:38,458
They taught me...
241
00:10:38,458 --> 00:10:40,208
how to change tires.
242
00:10:40,208 --> 00:10:42,125
I know how to--man,
I can make the shit
243
00:10:42,125 --> 00:10:43,041
out of a quinceañera dress
244
00:10:43,041 --> 00:10:45,333
like it ain't nobody
business, okay?
245
00:10:45,333 --> 00:10:47,375
I can sew, too.
They also taught me--
246
00:10:47,375 --> 00:10:49,125
they also taught me
how to play the accordion.
247
00:10:49,125 --> 00:10:52,875
I was the--I was
the lead accordion player
248
00:10:52,875 --> 00:10:54,834
in a mariachi band, y'all,
for, like, nine months.
249
00:10:54,834 --> 00:10:57,500
I toured all over
Southern California,
250
00:10:57,500 --> 00:10:59,458
some parts of Mexico.
251
00:10:59,458 --> 00:11:01,041
I was all in Arizona,
New Mexico. I was doing it.
252
00:11:01,041 --> 00:11:04,291
Bitch, I was on El Telemundo
and all that, okay?
253
00:11:04,291 --> 00:11:07,333
I was killing it.
254
00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:08,834
Young black girl
playing the accordion.
255
00:11:08,834 --> 00:11:10,500
Hey, hey, hey!
That was me. That was me.
256
00:11:10,500 --> 00:11:12,667
I did all the quinceañeras.
257
00:11:12,667 --> 00:11:14,000
I was killing it.
258
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:17,333
And then my foster dad got
deported on some weed charges.
259
00:11:17,333 --> 00:11:19,834
It was messed up.
260
00:11:19,834 --> 00:11:21,917
And then they moved me
to a Jewish family,
261
00:11:21,917 --> 00:11:25,000
and I was so afraid,
you guys; I was so scared.
262
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:26,583
I was so scared to live
with these Jews,
263
00:11:26,583 --> 00:11:28,458
because the Mexicans had told me
264
00:11:28,458 --> 00:11:30,000
what the Jews had did to Jesus,
265
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:31,417
and I was like, "Oh, no."
266
00:11:33,750 --> 00:11:36,917
"I'm a carpenter,
and I got curly hair too.
267
00:11:36,917 --> 00:11:38,041
What's gonna happen to me?"
268
00:11:42,166 --> 00:11:44,709
But turns out they were kind
and nice people, man.
269
00:11:44,709 --> 00:11:45,667
They taught me
how to speak Hebrew.
270
00:11:45,667 --> 00:11:48,208
They threw me a bat mitzvah.
271
00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:49,166
I'm circumcised now,
272
00:11:49,166 --> 00:11:53,333
so it feels so good
when I walk fast.
273
00:11:53,333 --> 00:11:54,667
Like, they just
took the hood off,
274
00:11:54,667 --> 00:11:57,583
so it's like, "Ahhh.
She ready."
275
00:11:57,583 --> 00:12:00,041
No, she just out there like,
276
00:12:00,041 --> 00:12:01,333
"Yes!"
277
00:12:01,333 --> 00:12:03,917
If you ever see me walking fast
down Crenshaw, don't stop me,
278
00:12:03,917 --> 00:12:05,542
'cause I'm feeling myself,
you understand me?
279
00:12:05,542 --> 00:12:07,208
I'm, "Oh, shit.
280
00:12:07,208 --> 00:12:11,041
"That's what the fuck
I'm talking about.
281
00:12:11,041 --> 00:12:12,000
"I need to walk more often.
282
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:15,291
This is..."
It's how I keep my weight down.
283
00:12:15,291 --> 00:12:16,542
I be busting on these walks.
284
00:12:16,542 --> 00:12:19,041
Whoo! Who needs a man
285
00:12:19,041 --> 00:12:22,667
when you can walk faster
than a motherfucker?
286
00:12:22,667 --> 00:12:24,792
Them Jews hooked me up for life.
287
00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:31,250
And then my grandma
got custody of me,
288
00:12:31,250 --> 00:12:34,333
and that's when I learned
how to gang-bang and braid hair,
289
00:12:34,333 --> 00:12:38,834
so I feel like
a well-rounded individual.
290
00:12:46,917 --> 00:12:48,750
My grandma taught me
a lot, though.
291
00:12:48,750 --> 00:12:49,917
She taught me how to value
myself as a woman.
292
00:12:49,917 --> 00:12:52,917
I'll never forget.
It was my 18th birthday.
293
00:12:52,917 --> 00:12:55,000
She should have told me
this on my 16th birthday,
294
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:56,792
though, 'cause at that point,
295
00:12:56,792 --> 00:13:00,000
I had started renting out
the property already.
296
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:02,333
She pulled me to the side.
297
00:13:02,333 --> 00:13:06,041
She said, "Look here, baby girl.
298
00:13:06,041 --> 00:13:07,208
"Now that you've become a woman,
299
00:13:07,208 --> 00:13:08,583
"there's a certain way
you need to think of yourself,
300
00:13:08,583 --> 00:13:11,291
"and every woman--every woman
301
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,125
"should think
of herself this way.
302
00:13:13,125 --> 00:13:16,125
"Baby, I want you to think
of yourself as a house,
303
00:13:16,125 --> 00:13:18,542
and there's one thing
you got to remember,
304
00:13:18,542 --> 00:13:20,709
baby--one thing
you got to remember.
305
00:13:20,709 --> 00:13:23,542
Every man wants to come
inside your house.
306
00:13:37,959 --> 00:13:40,542
Now, you can't be having
every man going in
307
00:13:40,542 --> 00:13:41,959
and out your house
all the time.
308
00:13:41,959 --> 00:13:44,250
That bring your
property value low.
309
00:13:44,250 --> 00:13:47,000
Messing around and be known
as the 'crack house,'
310
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,542
and you don't want
to be the crack house.
311
00:13:49,542 --> 00:13:51,291
So keep the grass cut
and keep it clean,
312
00:13:51,291 --> 00:13:52,792
'cause you don't want people
walking by thinking
313
00:13:52,792 --> 00:13:54,375
you got an abandoned house,
you hear?
314
00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:57,000
And don't be going out late at
night getting drunk and stuff,
315
00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:57,709
'cause somebody will break
into your house, baby,
316
00:13:57,709 --> 00:14:00,166
right through the backdoor.
317
00:14:00,166 --> 00:14:01,333
They break in right
through the back,
318
00:14:01,333 --> 00:14:03,333
and that's how you're walking
messed up the next day
319
00:14:03,333 --> 00:14:04,792
talking to the police.
320
00:14:07,041 --> 00:14:10,250
And once you find a man
that loves you
321
00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:11,333
and cares about you,
322
00:14:11,333 --> 00:14:13,959
he'll go ahead and he'll sign
that paperwork,
323
00:14:13,959 --> 00:14:17,417
he'll put a ring on your finger,
and he will buy that house."
324
00:14:17,417 --> 00:14:19,166
And I just want to know,
by round of applause,
325
00:14:19,166 --> 00:14:20,750
how many ladies in here tonight
326
00:14:20,750 --> 00:14:22,834
got them a husband,
AKA homeowner.
327
00:14:22,834 --> 00:14:24,959
You got a man that love you,
taking care of you--
328
00:14:24,959 --> 00:14:27,709
make some noise
if you got you a husband, girl!
329
00:14:36,166 --> 00:14:39,542
That's it?
330
00:14:39,542 --> 00:14:40,667
So the rest of you bitches
331
00:14:40,667 --> 00:14:42,458
in here just renting to own?
332
00:14:42,458 --> 00:14:45,583
You just section-eight-ing
the property out?
333
00:14:45,583 --> 00:14:48,709
Small Latin family of 15
334
00:14:48,709 --> 00:14:50,208
living in there
trying to make ends meet.
335
00:14:50,208 --> 00:14:53,875
Some of y'all
got haunted houses.
336
00:14:53,875 --> 00:14:55,667
Every time a dude go in,
he leave out
337
00:14:55,667 --> 00:14:56,875
with no spirit, no soul.
338
00:14:56,875 --> 00:14:59,583
He just dead on the inside.
339
00:14:59,583 --> 00:15:01,709
They call your coochie
"American Horror Story,"
340
00:15:01,709 --> 00:15:02,875
season one:
341
00:15:02,875 --> 00:15:05,083
"Soul Snatcher."
342
00:15:09,542 --> 00:15:11,125
Let me shut up.
343
00:15:11,125 --> 00:15:13,041
I'm about to say
some fucked-up shit.
344
00:15:15,375 --> 00:15:18,041
Whoo. Man.
345
00:15:19,125 --> 00:15:20,500
Mm, mm, mm.
346
00:15:27,709 --> 00:15:29,417
I'm taking a break.
347
00:15:29,417 --> 00:15:31,083
Y'all don't take a break
when y'all go to work?
348
00:15:31,083 --> 00:15:34,291
Don't nobody do they job
all the way through.
349
00:15:37,125 --> 00:15:37,792
It's fuckin' hot up here,
350
00:15:37,792 --> 00:15:40,291
and my baby toe is dead.
351
00:15:49,917 --> 00:15:52,750
Trying to maintain
my posture and shit,
352
00:15:52,750 --> 00:15:54,542
holding in my little baby fat.
353
00:15:54,542 --> 00:15:56,583
Stick your booty out,
pull your shoulders back,
354
00:15:56,583 --> 00:15:58,333
get the little "s"
in your back so niggas
355
00:15:58,333 --> 00:15:59,542
want to fuck,
but I'm tired.
356
00:16:13,583 --> 00:16:15,583
Every female in here know
what I'm talking about.
357
00:16:15,583 --> 00:16:17,792
You be in the club like,
"Yeah, bitch, this is it.
358
00:16:17,792 --> 00:16:19,709
I'm getting pregnant
tonight in this.
359
00:16:19,709 --> 00:16:21,667
This is my shit."
360
00:16:21,667 --> 00:16:23,125
You be like,
"Why ain't nobody buying me
361
00:16:23,125 --> 00:16:25,458
no drinks in this motherfucker?
362
00:16:25,458 --> 00:16:27,458
Aw, fuck, my baby
toe fell off somewhere
363
00:16:27,458 --> 00:16:30,959
in this fucking--fuck.
364
00:16:32,625 --> 00:16:35,583
The fuck is my toe?
365
00:16:35,583 --> 00:16:37,667
Kim, you seen
my toe in here?
366
00:16:37,667 --> 00:16:40,625
I can't find
my fuckin' toe, bitch!
367
00:16:40,625 --> 00:16:43,291
This is some bullshit.
368
00:16:55,959 --> 00:16:58,458
No, I'm good. I'm good.
I'm just looking for my toe.
369
00:16:58,458 --> 00:17:01,041
Fuck. Whoo!"
370
00:17:04,125 --> 00:17:05,792
Real shit.
371
00:17:08,083 --> 00:17:10,083
After I left my grandma, got--
372
00:17:10,083 --> 00:17:12,000
you know, graduated from
high school and everything,
373
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:13,792
I got accepted
into NYU, y'all.
374
00:17:13,792 --> 00:17:17,000
I was supposed to go to NYU.
375
00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:20,583
Don't clap, 'cause I didn't go.
376
00:17:20,583 --> 00:17:23,583
Make no sense to me.
It was $30,000 a semester.
377
00:17:23,583 --> 00:17:25,375
How am I pay
$30,000 a semester?
378
00:17:25,375 --> 00:17:29,041
How many dicks do I got to suck
to get this education?
379
00:17:29,041 --> 00:17:33,542
I don't want it.
I don't want it.
380
00:17:36,083 --> 00:17:38,125
Some people be like,
"Oh, just get a loan, bitch."
381
00:17:38,125 --> 00:17:41,542
I don't want to owe
nobody nothing.
382
00:17:41,542 --> 00:17:42,542
No, thank you.
383
00:17:42,542 --> 00:17:45,291
And YouTube had came out
around the same time.
384
00:17:45,291 --> 00:17:48,709
I was like, "Fuck it, I'm going
to YouTube University, bitch.
385
00:17:48,709 --> 00:17:50,291
I'm gonna learn everything."
YouTube is the shit.
386
00:17:50,291 --> 00:17:52,417
I'm so happy they made YouTube,
387
00:17:52,417 --> 00:17:53,458
'cause you really don't have to
go to school if you got YouTube.
388
00:17:53,458 --> 00:17:56,000
Anything you want to know
is right there at your
389
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:57,208
motherfuckin' fingertips--
at your thumbs now.
390
00:17:57,208 --> 00:17:59,542
They got phones.
You can just tap in there,
391
00:17:59,542 --> 00:18:01,417
ask any question--it's there.
392
00:18:01,417 --> 00:18:03,000
If it ain't there, you can make
a video, ask the question,
393
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:05,834
"How do I blow up
this nigga's car?"
394
00:18:05,834 --> 00:18:08,959
Somebody--somebody
is gonna make a video
395
00:18:08,959 --> 00:18:13,583
to tell you how to do it.
396
00:18:13,583 --> 00:18:15,458
It's there.
It's there.
397
00:18:15,458 --> 00:18:16,333
I learned how to make
red-bottom shoes,
398
00:18:16,333 --> 00:18:18,709
but you can't walk
too far in them,
399
00:18:18,709 --> 00:18:22,250
'cause they turn
into brown bottoms.
400
00:18:22,250 --> 00:18:24,125
I learned how to make hair
out of Tupperware, bitch.
401
00:18:24,125 --> 00:18:26,083
This is green right here.
This is recycled.
402
00:18:26,083 --> 00:18:28,417
It might smell like spaghetti,
403
00:18:28,417 --> 00:18:29,417
because it's
recycled Tupperware.
404
00:18:29,417 --> 00:18:32,750
But you can do anything
because of YouTube.
405
00:18:32,750 --> 00:18:36,417
I'm a brain surgeon now
because of YouTube.
406
00:18:36,417 --> 00:18:41,875
I'm also a theologian
because of YouTube.
407
00:18:41,875 --> 00:18:44,000
I'm an ordained minister.
408
00:18:47,291 --> 00:18:49,625
I'm a psychiatrist.
409
00:18:49,625 --> 00:18:50,625
I'm everything
'cause of YouTube.
410
00:18:50,625 --> 00:18:54,959
I'm a registered nurse
'cause of YouTube.
411
00:18:54,959 --> 00:18:58,083
Anything you want to know,
it's right there.
412
00:18:58,083 --> 00:18:59,792
I started dating and stuff.
413
00:18:59,792 --> 00:19:01,291
I remember when
I first started dating,
414
00:19:01,291 --> 00:19:03,250
I had fell in love
with this one dude.
415
00:19:03,250 --> 00:19:06,125
Oh, my God, I loved him so much.
I know I had to love him,
416
00:19:06,125 --> 00:19:08,333
'cause he didn't have
no good job or nothing.
417
00:19:08,333 --> 00:19:13,125
Like, I used to let him
drive my car and everything.
418
00:19:13,125 --> 00:19:16,834
Like, whoo, he was hitting
corners in my Geo Metro.
419
00:19:20,125 --> 00:19:22,667
I loved him.
I really did.
420
00:19:22,667 --> 00:19:23,959
I did, and he cheated
on me and everything.
421
00:19:23,959 --> 00:19:26,667
Like, I didn't know--
422
00:19:26,667 --> 00:19:28,291
I didn't know at first,
'cause, like, I was so done.
423
00:19:28,291 --> 00:19:29,834
You know when you're
in your early 20s,
424
00:19:29,834 --> 00:19:30,500
it's like a dude
could tell you anything,
425
00:19:30,500 --> 00:19:32,458
and you'd be like, "Okay!"
426
00:19:32,458 --> 00:19:35,875
Be like, "Um," you're like--
it was my birthday,
427
00:19:35,875 --> 00:19:37,667
and he had dropped me off
at his grandma house.
428
00:19:37,667 --> 00:19:38,542
He said he had a job interview.
429
00:19:38,542 --> 00:19:40,500
He's gonna go
to the job interview
430
00:19:40,500 --> 00:19:41,375
and come back and pick me up,
431
00:19:41,375 --> 00:19:43,417
and that motherfucker
didn't show up
432
00:19:43,417 --> 00:19:45,333
till the next day,
433
00:19:45,333 --> 00:19:47,333
and I was like, "Oh, my God,
what happened to you?"
434
00:19:47,333 --> 00:19:48,917
and he was like, "Oh, I had got
pulled over by the police,"
435
00:19:48,917 --> 00:19:50,959
and I was like,
"Yeah, that's right!"
436
00:19:56,333 --> 00:19:59,250
Fuckin' stupid.
437
00:19:59,250 --> 00:20:01,125
Mm.
438
00:20:01,125 --> 00:20:03,041
A few days later,
I went over to his house--well,
439
00:20:03,041 --> 00:20:04,208
it's really his mama house,
'cause that's where he lived,
440
00:20:04,208 --> 00:20:08,000
and, uh, he had
a little video camera
441
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,834
on the TV and stuff, right?
442
00:20:09,834 --> 00:20:11,792
And I was like,
"Ooh, let's make a movie.
443
00:20:11,792 --> 00:20:13,166
Let's get freaky
and make a movie."
444
00:20:13,166 --> 00:20:15,250
And I had started recording,
445
00:20:15,250 --> 00:20:17,417
and he had snatched the camera
from me, scratched my face.
446
00:20:17,417 --> 00:20:20,083
I still have a scratch mark
on my face from that day.
447
00:20:20,083 --> 00:20:21,375
And I was like, "Damn,
what's on the camera?" Right?
448
00:20:21,375 --> 00:20:24,041
And he was like, "Stay out
of my fucking shit.
449
00:20:24,041 --> 00:20:26,041
Don't be in my stuff."
450
00:20:26,041 --> 00:20:27,583
And he took the tape out,
went down to the Dumpster,
451
00:20:27,583 --> 00:20:28,458
threw the tape
in the dumpster,
452
00:20:28,458 --> 00:20:30,959
and was like,
"You stay out my stuff!"
453
00:20:30,959 --> 00:20:32,500
And then he tried to, like,
get freaky with me, right?
454
00:20:32,500 --> 00:20:34,208
And I was like,
"Uhh, you so crazy!"
455
00:20:34,208 --> 00:20:36,959
I started kissing him and stuff.
456
00:20:36,959 --> 00:20:38,417
I was like,
"Ooh, I got a booboo.
457
00:20:38,417 --> 00:20:39,792
I'll be right back," right?
458
00:20:42,375 --> 00:20:45,542
And I went to the bathroom,
stayed in there,
459
00:20:45,542 --> 00:20:46,959
like, 30 minutes, came out,
and was like, "Ooh, I'm sick.
460
00:20:46,959 --> 00:20:48,291
I need to go home.
I'ma go home."
461
00:20:48,291 --> 00:20:50,291
So I got in my car,
462
00:20:50,291 --> 00:20:52,917
and I drove around the block,
like, two times, right?
463
00:20:52,917 --> 00:20:54,583
And then I parked, like,
two blocks away,
464
00:20:54,583 --> 00:20:57,041
and then I walked up
to his apartment building,
465
00:20:57,041 --> 00:20:58,417
and it was raining--
this is how I knew
466
00:20:58,417 --> 00:21:00,083
I was having my next
psychotic break.
467
00:21:00,083 --> 00:21:01,542
This was my second
psychotic break,
468
00:21:01,542 --> 00:21:02,625
'cause I fuckin' jumped
469
00:21:02,625 --> 00:21:04,250
in that Dumpster and was, like,
fuckin' Nae Nae-ing
470
00:21:04,250 --> 00:21:06,417
in that bitch
and fucking swimming,
471
00:21:06,417 --> 00:21:07,792
looking for that
motherfucking tape.
472
00:21:07,792 --> 00:21:10,000
I Milly Rocked
473
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:11,166
all in that motherfucker.
474
00:21:11,166 --> 00:21:14,291
"Fuck is this tape at?"
475
00:21:14,291 --> 00:21:16,125
And I found it.
476
00:21:16,125 --> 00:21:18,417
I found the tape,
and then I drove around, like,
477
00:21:18,417 --> 00:21:20,583
for two, three hours,
I drove around
478
00:21:20,583 --> 00:21:22,875
to different Rite Aids
and CVSes and stuff,
479
00:21:22,875 --> 00:21:24,417
and Walgreen's
had just came out.
480
00:21:24,417 --> 00:21:25,500
I was like, "Yeah,
they probably got it,"
481
00:21:25,500 --> 00:21:27,625
'cause I was looking
for an adapter, 'cause you know
482
00:21:27,625 --> 00:21:28,458
that's when VHS was hot.
483
00:21:28,458 --> 00:21:30,875
And, you know,
you put the little
484
00:21:30,875 --> 00:21:32,250
Hi8 video tape
in the VHS adapter
485
00:21:32,250 --> 00:21:34,959
and you put that in your VCR
486
00:21:34,959 --> 00:21:37,792
and you can see what the fuck
was going on, right?
487
00:21:37,792 --> 00:21:39,959
And I needed to know
what the fuck is on that tape.
488
00:21:39,959 --> 00:21:43,750
I needed to know
what the fuck is on this tape.
489
00:21:43,750 --> 00:21:48,291
I need to know what the fuck
is on this tape!
490
00:21:48,291 --> 00:21:51,875
I was losing it.
491
00:21:51,875 --> 00:21:53,291
Now I'm driving
all over the city.
492
00:21:53,291 --> 00:21:54,250
I done drove out
to the valley a bit.
493
00:21:54,250 --> 00:21:56,959
I almost made it to San Diego
494
00:21:56,959 --> 00:21:59,917
looking for a fuckin' adapter
to this tape, right?
495
00:21:59,917 --> 00:22:02,041
And I couldn't find one,
and then I called my homegirl,
496
00:22:02,041 --> 00:22:04,000
Anna, at, like,
4:00 in the morning.
497
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,542
I was like, "Anna, girl, you got
the same video camera he got.
498
00:22:06,542 --> 00:22:08,166
Let me borrow
your video camera."
499
00:22:08,166 --> 00:22:09,542
She was like, "Why?
I don't know--
500
00:22:09,542 --> 00:22:10,625
why do you want
the video camera?"
501
00:22:10,625 --> 00:22:13,083
I was like, "Bitch,
let me borrow the video camera.
502
00:22:13,083 --> 00:22:14,792
I got a pack of Newports
and some weed."
503
00:22:14,792 --> 00:22:17,000
She was like, "Bring your ass
here, girl. Come."
504
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,375
And I was like,
"Here I come."
505
00:22:19,375 --> 00:22:21,291
So I went over there, right?
506
00:22:21,291 --> 00:22:23,583
I went over there.
She gave me the video camera.
507
00:22:23,583 --> 00:22:26,709
I went home,
I had me a bottle of Cisco.
508
00:22:26,709 --> 00:22:28,959
That's how you know
I'm fuckin' 'bout to lose it.
509
00:22:28,959 --> 00:22:32,458
Cisco make you
fuckin' crazy.
510
00:22:32,458 --> 00:22:35,083
Peach flavor too,
'cause I'm classy.
511
00:22:38,583 --> 00:22:40,333
And I'm sitting there
watching the tape,
512
00:22:40,333 --> 00:22:43,166
and then this dog-faced bitch,
513
00:22:43,166 --> 00:22:45,667
old yuck-mouth-ass bitch
come up.
514
00:22:45,667 --> 00:22:46,834
She got them--
you know them chicks
515
00:22:46,834 --> 00:22:48,542
that be having them big-ass gums
and little baby teeth?
516
00:22:48,542 --> 00:22:51,333
I was like,
"This old baby-toothed bitch!
517
00:22:51,333 --> 00:22:54,000
Who the fuck is"--I was trying
518
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:55,000
to snatch her soul
out the TV, you understand me?
519
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:58,041
"Look at this, bitch."
520
00:23:01,500 --> 00:23:03,417
I was so mad.
521
00:23:03,417 --> 00:23:04,834
I wanted revenge. I didn't know
what the fuck to do.
522
00:23:04,834 --> 00:23:07,166
I was so mad,
and I wanted--like,
523
00:23:07,166 --> 00:23:08,208
you know--well,
you know what normally you do
524
00:23:08,208 --> 00:23:10,875
when you get revenge on a dude.
525
00:23:10,875 --> 00:23:12,875
You put sugar in his gas tank,
slash his tires,
526
00:23:12,875 --> 00:23:15,709
bust the windows out his car,
throw bleach on his clothes,
527
00:23:15,709 --> 00:23:17,375
fuck up his shit
in some kind of way,
528
00:23:17,375 --> 00:23:19,417
but he didn't have shit.
529
00:23:22,542 --> 00:23:24,750
He didn't have shit.
530
00:23:24,750 --> 00:23:27,208
But what he did have was
a brand new pair of Jordans
531
00:23:27,208 --> 00:23:29,417
he'd left at my house,
532
00:23:29,417 --> 00:23:32,750
and I was like, "Aw, shit.
533
00:23:32,750 --> 00:23:34,542
I know what I'ma do."
534
00:23:34,542 --> 00:23:36,417
His name was Cornelius,
so I went ahead
535
00:23:36,417 --> 00:23:38,125
and ate a gang of corn,
536
00:23:38,125 --> 00:23:40,709
and I got them Jordans,
537
00:23:40,709 --> 00:23:42,875
and I squatted--I shitted
right in them Jordans.
538
00:23:42,875 --> 00:23:43,834
I shitted.
539
00:23:43,834 --> 00:23:47,542
I shitted in them
Jordans--all the shit.
540
00:23:47,542 --> 00:23:49,291
I put it all in them Jordans,
541
00:23:49,291 --> 00:23:52,917
and I made it fall
to the front of the shoe,
542
00:23:52,917 --> 00:23:57,208
and I wiped off the edges
and everything,
543
00:23:57,208 --> 00:24:00,583
put them back in the box,
went over to his place.
544
00:24:00,583 --> 00:24:02,542
I was like, "Babe,
we should go play basketball.
545
00:24:02,542 --> 00:24:04,917
Let's go play basketball.
Put your new Jordans on.
546
00:24:04,917 --> 00:24:06,333
You gonna be the shit
on the court,
547
00:24:06,333 --> 00:24:08,417
you put them Jordans on.
548
00:24:08,417 --> 00:24:11,542
Everybody gonna be
jocking you, boo."
549
00:24:11,542 --> 00:24:14,458
He was like,
550
00:24:14,458 --> 00:24:16,542
"All right, baby girl.
We gonna play some ball."
551
00:24:16,542 --> 00:24:18,458
I was like, "Yeah, let's play."
He put his foot in that shoe.
552
00:24:18,458 --> 00:24:22,000
He's like, "What the fuck
is in this shoe?
553
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:24,000
Oh, my God, somebody
shitted in my shoe.
554
00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:28,291
It's human shit too.
It's corn all in it.
555
00:24:28,291 --> 00:24:29,291
It's corn all
in my fuckin' shoe.
556
00:24:29,291 --> 00:24:31,792
Who did this shit?"
557
00:24:31,792 --> 00:24:35,542
And I was in the doorway like,
"Yeah, nigga.
558
00:24:35,542 --> 00:24:37,208
All the shit you put me through,
559
00:24:37,208 --> 00:24:40,667
now you walking in it,
motherfucker.
560
00:24:40,667 --> 00:24:43,625
How 'bout that?!"
561
00:24:43,625 --> 00:24:45,083
And then I fuckin' ran.
562
00:24:45,083 --> 00:24:46,291
I just took off out that mother.
563
00:24:46,291 --> 00:24:48,458
I just ran out the house,
564
00:24:48,458 --> 00:24:50,250
'cause I knew he wasn't gonna
chase me through his mama house
565
00:24:50,250 --> 00:24:51,959
with shit on his feet.
566
00:24:56,959 --> 00:24:59,375
Any questions?
567
00:25:03,500 --> 00:25:06,000
After a while,
I started to be, like,
568
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:07,166
really super lonely,
569
00:25:07,166 --> 00:25:10,041
and I started praying to God
to please send me a man.
570
00:25:10,041 --> 00:25:12,000
"God, please send me a man
that really love me,
571
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:14,333
that want to be with me,
want to do what I do,
572
00:25:14,333 --> 00:25:16,208
that really just love
my dirty drawers.
573
00:25:16,208 --> 00:25:18,291
Like, he just--everywhere
I'm at, like no matter what,
574
00:25:18,291 --> 00:25:20,083
he just there for me
no matter what."
575
00:25:20,083 --> 00:25:22,792
And then God sent me a stalker,
and I was like, "Yes!
576
00:25:22,792 --> 00:25:24,375
I'm marrying him."
577
00:25:24,375 --> 00:25:25,875
And I married my stalker.
578
00:25:25,875 --> 00:25:29,500
I'm so proud of myself.
579
00:25:29,500 --> 00:25:30,875
And it was a good
relationship at first.
580
00:25:30,875 --> 00:25:32,041
At first, it was
fucking awesome.
581
00:25:32,041 --> 00:25:34,875
Like, he was feeding me
three times a day and stuff.
582
00:25:34,875 --> 00:25:37,000
He used to take me
on long walks and everything,
583
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:39,125
and he never beat me up
or nothing, bitch.
584
00:25:39,125 --> 00:25:41,875
It was a good relationship.
585
00:25:41,875 --> 00:25:42,792
Now, he did choke me
a few times,
586
00:25:42,792 --> 00:25:45,250
but that's when
we was playing cops,
587
00:25:45,250 --> 00:25:46,834
and the police would come,
and they arrest him--
588
00:25:46,834 --> 00:25:47,709
he'd go to jail for,
like, a day or so.
589
00:25:47,709 --> 00:25:50,583
He'd come back.
I'd suck his dick.
590
00:25:50,583 --> 00:25:52,625
We had court-ordered counseling.
It was a real relationship.
591
00:25:52,625 --> 00:25:54,667
We had a judge.
That's valid, okay?
592
00:25:54,667 --> 00:25:55,166
That's that foster
kid shit, bitch.
593
00:25:55,166 --> 00:25:57,500
We got a judge.
594
00:26:01,041 --> 00:26:02,709
It was crazy, though.
595
00:26:02,709 --> 00:26:04,667
And I had broke up with him.
I left him.
596
00:26:04,667 --> 00:26:06,458
I was like,
"I can't live like that.
597
00:26:06,458 --> 00:26:08,500
I can't do that.
I'm not living that life."
598
00:26:08,500 --> 00:26:10,083
And, um, he wanted me back.
599
00:26:10,083 --> 00:26:11,041
He was like,
"I want my wife back."
600
00:26:11,041 --> 00:26:13,542
Like, "I want my wife back."
I was like,
601
00:26:13,542 --> 00:26:14,542
"Well, if you want me back,
there's certain things
602
00:26:14,542 --> 00:26:16,125
you're gonna have to do.
603
00:26:16,125 --> 00:26:17,875
You gonna have to
do certain things.
604
00:26:17,875 --> 00:26:18,917
You gonna have to take
a domestic violence class,
605
00:26:18,917 --> 00:26:21,542
you gonna have to take
a communications class,
606
00:26:21,542 --> 00:26:23,375
you gonna have to take
an anger management class,
607
00:26:23,375 --> 00:26:25,000
you gonna have to make
a million dollars
608
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:26,125
and buy me something
I always wanted, too."
609
00:26:26,125 --> 00:26:27,959
So I'm thinking,
610
00:26:27,959 --> 00:26:30,417
"He'll never complete
none of this shit," right?
611
00:26:30,417 --> 00:26:31,583
He took all the classes.
He did all that.
612
00:26:31,583 --> 00:26:33,291
He got him a job
as an executive
613
00:26:33,291 --> 00:26:35,917
at a studio making money,
614
00:26:35,917 --> 00:26:37,917
and then he bought me
a Sleep Number bed, bitch.
615
00:26:37,917 --> 00:26:40,417
I was like,
"Oh, my God, he loves me.
616
00:26:40,417 --> 00:26:41,709
He care about my rest.
617
00:26:41,709 --> 00:26:43,667
He love me!"
618
00:26:43,667 --> 00:26:45,875
But I knew I couldn't just
go back just the way I was.
619
00:26:45,875 --> 00:26:46,875
I knew I had to get
myself together,
620
00:26:46,875 --> 00:26:49,125
'cause I knew my mouthpiece
is part of why
621
00:26:49,125 --> 00:26:50,083
I got choked the fuck out.
622
00:26:50,083 --> 00:26:54,750
So I took myself
a communications class.
623
00:26:54,750 --> 00:26:56,458
I took a domestic
violence class.
624
00:26:56,458 --> 00:26:58,083
I took an anger
management class, too.
625
00:26:58,083 --> 00:26:59,875
And I took a football
cross-training class,
626
00:26:59,875 --> 00:27:00,959
and I took a synchronized
swimming class,
627
00:27:00,959 --> 00:27:03,542
because a few people told me
if it happened once,
628
00:27:03,542 --> 00:27:05,250
it might happen again, right?
629
00:27:05,250 --> 00:27:08,375
So we got back together
and everything,
630
00:27:08,375 --> 00:27:10,208
and it was all cool,
and he told me, like,
631
00:27:10,208 --> 00:27:11,792
"You can't receive
no phone calls
632
00:27:11,792 --> 00:27:13,625
or text messages after 10:00,
633
00:27:13,625 --> 00:27:14,750
'cause that's disrespecting
our relationship."
634
00:27:14,750 --> 00:27:17,625
And I was like,
"Oh, well, I'm a comedian.
635
00:27:17,625 --> 00:27:19,291
Sometimes, clubs are
gonna hit me up
636
00:27:19,291 --> 00:27:21,208
and want me to come
and do a show."
637
00:27:21,208 --> 00:27:22,709
He was like, "Well, you don't
have to do that no more.
638
00:27:22,709 --> 00:27:24,625
I'm making money,
so I'ma take care of you.
639
00:27:24,625 --> 00:27:25,917
You ain't got to do
that comedy shit no more,"
640
00:27:25,917 --> 00:27:27,041
and I was like,
"Oh, touché.
641
00:27:27,041 --> 00:27:30,125
Nice. Nice, but no.
642
00:27:30,125 --> 00:27:32,041
I love comedy. You can't
take that away from me.
643
00:27:32,041 --> 00:27:34,250
I'm not gonna allow you
to take away what I love.
644
00:27:34,250 --> 00:27:36,375
I love this.
This is my safe place.
645
00:27:36,375 --> 00:27:38,667
This is my favorite thing
in the world.
646
00:27:38,667 --> 00:27:40,583
I'm not gonna let you
take that from me.
647
00:27:40,583 --> 00:27:43,208
Fuck that.
You could take the pussy,
648
00:27:43,208 --> 00:27:45,583
but you can't take my comedy."
649
00:27:45,583 --> 00:27:48,917
So we leaving
the comedy club.
650
00:27:48,917 --> 00:27:52,000
It's like 12:32 a.m.
I'll never forget it.
651
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:54,000
I'll never fuckin' forget
it was 12:32 a.m.,
652
00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:57,542
'cause that was my third
psychotic break, y'all.
653
00:27:57,542 --> 00:27:59,542
I'll never forget it.
We're in my little Corvette.
654
00:27:59,542 --> 00:28:01,208
We rolling.
I let him drive
655
00:28:01,208 --> 00:28:02,959
so I could feel
like Ri-Ri and stuff.
656
00:28:02,959 --> 00:28:05,959
I was feeling just like Rihanna,
like, "Yes," right?
657
00:28:05,959 --> 00:28:06,959
Had the little phone
in the center console,
658
00:28:06,959 --> 00:28:09,625
and he had his phone
in the center console.
659
00:28:09,625 --> 00:28:12,875
That's where he fucked up.
That phone's sitting there.
660
00:28:12,875 --> 00:28:14,333
12:32 a.m. The phone go off.
661
00:28:14,333 --> 00:28:17,166
[imitates ringtone]
662
00:28:17,166 --> 00:28:18,834
I look over,
663
00:28:18,834 --> 00:28:20,458
and it say--it's
a text message--it say,
664
00:28:20,458 --> 00:28:22,417
"Eva: 'Why you be lying?'"
665
00:28:32,208 --> 00:28:33,375
In my head I'm like,
666
00:28:33,375 --> 00:28:34,709
"Who the fuck is Eva?
667
00:28:34,709 --> 00:28:35,875
Who the fuck is Eva?
I don't know--no,
668
00:28:35,875 --> 00:28:38,583
he don't have no
family members named Eva.
669
00:28:38,583 --> 00:28:40,208
He ain't got no cousins.
He ain't got no coworkers,
670
00:28:40,208 --> 00:28:41,709
'cause I've been up to that job,
like, eight times.
671
00:28:41,709 --> 00:28:43,333
I ain't met not
one bitch named Eva.
672
00:28:43,333 --> 00:28:44,709
Who the fuck is Eva?
673
00:28:44,709 --> 00:28:46,125
Girl, don't say
nothing out loud.
674
00:28:46,125 --> 00:28:47,041
You know what you
learned in class.
675
00:28:47,041 --> 00:28:49,333
What did you learn
in communications class?
676
00:28:49,333 --> 00:28:51,208
What did you learn
in communications?"
677
00:28:51,208 --> 00:28:52,917
And then I look at my reflection
in the window, and I see myself.
678
00:28:52,917 --> 00:28:55,583
I feel like, in the reflection,
I'm like Gollum.
679
00:28:55,583 --> 00:28:59,041
I'm like, "Ohh.
680
00:28:59,041 --> 00:29:02,375
We must find out
who the fuck Eva is!
681
00:29:02,375 --> 00:29:07,250
You ask him who is Eva!"
682
00:29:08,834 --> 00:29:11,542
And then this side is like,
"No, calm down.
683
00:29:11,542 --> 00:29:12,709
Calm down.
What did we learn?
684
00:29:12,709 --> 00:29:15,333
We learned to smile
and be polite.
685
00:29:15,333 --> 00:29:17,542
Smile and be kind
when you ask him.
686
00:29:17,542 --> 00:29:21,083
Just smile."
"I don't want to smile!
687
00:29:21,083 --> 00:29:25,166
I want to know
who the fuck Eva is!"
688
00:29:25,166 --> 00:29:27,750
And then I hear, like,
some David Banner music,
689
00:29:27,750 --> 00:29:29,542
like that Incredible Hulk music
690
00:29:29,542 --> 00:29:30,750
playing in the background.
691
00:29:30,750 --> 00:29:31,583
♪ Da da da da ♪
692
00:29:31,583 --> 00:29:34,208
♪ Da da da da, da ♪
693
00:29:34,208 --> 00:29:35,667
And I'm just trying to smile.
694
00:29:35,667 --> 00:29:37,583
♪ Da da da da ♪
695
00:29:37,583 --> 00:29:38,417
♪ Da da da da, da ♪
696
00:29:38,417 --> 00:29:41,875
♪ Da da da da ♪
697
00:29:46,834 --> 00:29:49,875
"Babe, who is Eva
698
00:29:49,875 --> 00:29:51,583
and why does she say
you be lying?"
699
00:29:51,583 --> 00:29:54,250
He's like, "Girl,
what you talking about?"
700
00:29:54,250 --> 00:29:55,792
"Your phone. You got
a text message that say, 'Eva:
701
00:29:55,792 --> 00:29:57,792
Why you be lying?'
Who is that?"
702
00:29:57,792 --> 00:30:00,500
He like, "Girl,
you seeing things."
703
00:30:09,583 --> 00:30:10,583
"Boy, you know
I ain't seeing things.
704
00:30:10,583 --> 00:30:13,125
It say that right there.
705
00:30:13,125 --> 00:30:14,166
You crazy. Who is Eva?"
706
00:30:14,166 --> 00:30:16,834
"Girl, I don't know
what you talking about.
707
00:30:16,834 --> 00:30:18,333
Ain't nothing right there."
And then I grabbed the phone.
708
00:30:18,333 --> 00:30:19,041
This is what you
don't do, bitches:
709
00:30:19,041 --> 00:30:21,000
never grab his phone, right?
710
00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:21,792
And I text back super fast,
711
00:30:21,792 --> 00:30:23,625
like--I was just like, "Why?"
712
00:30:23,625 --> 00:30:26,125
And she texts back even faster,
713
00:30:26,125 --> 00:30:27,959
like she's a professional
text messenger,
714
00:30:27,959 --> 00:30:30,125
"Because you said you was
gonna give me some money
715
00:30:30,125 --> 00:30:31,792
to get my nails
and hair done tonight."
716
00:30:31,792 --> 00:30:32,792
And I was like...
717
00:30:32,792 --> 00:30:34,291
[gnarling]
718
00:30:40,917 --> 00:30:42,667
"Who the fuck is Eva?!
719
00:30:42,667 --> 00:30:44,792
Who is Eva? Why you be lying?
720
00:30:44,792 --> 00:30:46,667
Who is Eva?
Why you be lying?
721
00:30:46,667 --> 00:30:48,667
Who is Eva? Who is Eva?
722
00:30:48,667 --> 00:30:50,875
Why you be lying? Who is Eva?
723
00:30:50,875 --> 00:30:52,500
Why you be lying?!"
724
00:30:52,500 --> 00:30:53,625
He start choking
the shit out of me.
725
00:30:53,625 --> 00:30:55,291
I'm like, "Who is Eva?
726
00:30:55,291 --> 00:30:56,667
Blue 43!
727
00:30:56,667 --> 00:30:59,333
Who is Eva?"
He's like,
728
00:30:59,333 --> 00:31:01,500
"Bitch, why you not dying?
Why you not--"
729
00:31:01,500 --> 00:31:04,166
"'Cause I'm strong from
the football cross-training.
730
00:31:04,166 --> 00:31:05,792
My throat is strong, nigga.
731
00:31:05,792 --> 00:31:08,834
Who the fuck is Eva?
732
00:31:08,834 --> 00:31:10,709
I'm breathing through my pussy
733
00:31:10,709 --> 00:31:12,291
from the synchronized
swimming, motherfucker.
734
00:31:16,125 --> 00:31:17,542
Who the fuck is Eva?"
735
00:31:24,375 --> 00:31:25,000
Needless to say,
736
00:31:25,000 --> 00:31:28,375
we not together no more.
737
00:31:28,375 --> 00:31:30,875
We're not together.
738
00:31:36,083 --> 00:31:38,291
Life got real hard
for me after all that.
739
00:31:38,291 --> 00:31:40,125
I became homeless.
740
00:31:40,125 --> 00:31:41,250
I was homeless
than a motherfucker, boy.
741
00:31:41,250 --> 00:31:45,542
It was crazy too, 'cause I was,
like, classy homeless.
742
00:31:45,542 --> 00:31:47,458
Like, I kept my nails done,
kept my hair done,
743
00:31:47,458 --> 00:31:51,208
and I stayed with baby wipes.
A bitch stay fresh.
744
00:31:51,208 --> 00:31:53,875
'Cause I didn't want people
to know that I was homeless,
745
00:31:53,875 --> 00:31:55,709
and I used to be
in my little Geo Metro.
746
00:31:55,709 --> 00:31:58,291
That shit was packed out.
But I was classy with mine.
747
00:31:58,291 --> 00:32:00,542
I slept in real nice places.
748
00:32:00,542 --> 00:32:02,250
I lived in Beverly Hills, bitch.
749
00:32:02,250 --> 00:32:04,917
Kept it classy.
Slept on Doheny.
750
00:32:04,917 --> 00:32:08,291
Slept on Rodeo. I mean Rod-ay-o.
751
00:32:12,917 --> 00:32:14,792
Sometimes I'd be on Canon.
752
00:32:14,792 --> 00:32:16,208
Police would come,
every morning about 7:00,
753
00:32:16,208 --> 00:32:17,917
They would make me move.
754
00:32:17,917 --> 00:32:19,250
It was like an alarm clock.
It was cool.
755
00:32:19,250 --> 00:32:19,792
I was like,
"That's why I pay taxes.
756
00:32:19,792 --> 00:32:23,000
Thank you, police.
757
00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:26,417
I'ma go out and get this money,
try to make it happen."
758
00:32:26,417 --> 00:32:29,417
I remember I used to pull up
to the comedy club to do jokes,
759
00:32:29,417 --> 00:32:30,709
'cause that's where I was happy
at--there on stage.
760
00:32:30,709 --> 00:32:32,417
That's my happy place.
761
00:32:32,417 --> 00:32:34,041
So I'd always pull up
to the comedy club,
762
00:32:34,041 --> 00:32:35,333
and I would get, like,
free meals and drinks
763
00:32:35,333 --> 00:32:36,458
and stuff, so it was dope.
764
00:32:36,458 --> 00:32:39,125
I'd stay eating, and--
and I'd pull up to the club,
765
00:32:39,125 --> 00:32:40,709
and I'd always pull up, like,
five or ten minutes late
766
00:32:40,709 --> 00:32:42,333
so the other comedians
couldn't see all the shit
767
00:32:42,333 --> 00:32:43,291
in my car and clown me,
'cause they would.
768
00:32:43,291 --> 00:32:47,041
They would clown
the fuck out of my ass.
769
00:32:47,041 --> 00:32:49,959
And one night, I pulled up late,
770
00:32:49,959 --> 00:32:51,875
and I was doing this show
at the Laugh Factory,
771
00:32:51,875 --> 00:32:53,458
and Kevin Hart--
he used to be on this show too--
772
00:32:53,458 --> 00:32:54,333
and he pulled up
right behind me,
773
00:32:54,333 --> 00:32:56,667
and a part of me
just wanted to hide
774
00:32:56,667 --> 00:32:58,291
in the car--just tuck myself
and just hide.
775
00:32:58,291 --> 00:32:59,250
But I needed to get in,
so I got out the car,
776
00:32:59,250 --> 00:33:01,917
and I started walking in,
and he was like,
777
00:33:01,917 --> 00:33:03,542
"Yo, Haddish, what the fuck's
all that shit in your car?
778
00:33:03,542 --> 00:33:05,083
What's going on?"
I was like, "Boy, please.
779
00:33:05,083 --> 00:33:05,750
I'm just in
between houses.
780
00:33:05,750 --> 00:33:09,875
Mind your business."
781
00:33:09,875 --> 00:33:11,208
And he's like,
"What's going on with you, Tiff?
782
00:33:11,208 --> 00:33:12,583
What's going on?"
783
00:33:12,583 --> 00:33:14,458
I was like, "Nothing. I'm fine.
Like, mind your own"--you know,
784
00:33:14,458 --> 00:33:16,125
like when something really going
on, you get a little attitude.
785
00:33:16,125 --> 00:33:20,709
I was like,
"Mind your business, nigga."
786
00:33:20,709 --> 00:33:22,834
He's like, "After the show,
we gonna have a conversation.
787
00:33:22,834 --> 00:33:24,417
We need to talk, right?"
And I was trying to, like,
788
00:33:24,417 --> 00:33:25,333
dip up out of there
after the show.
789
00:33:25,333 --> 00:33:27,750
He caught me, though,
and he's like,
790
00:33:27,750 --> 00:33:29,208
"Tiffany, tell me what's up,"
and I was like,
791
00:33:29,208 --> 00:33:30,083
"Man, I'm just--I'm homeless
right now,
792
00:33:30,083 --> 00:33:32,166
but I'ma be all right.
I'm strong.
793
00:33:32,166 --> 00:33:33,750
I'll be fine.
794
00:33:33,750 --> 00:33:35,000
I got my--I got
a roof over my head.
795
00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:36,291
It's a Geo, but I'm good.
796
00:33:36,291 --> 00:33:38,166
Like, I'm straight."
797
00:33:38,166 --> 00:33:39,417
And he was like,
"Tiff, like, you a pretty girl.
798
00:33:39,417 --> 00:33:41,834
You a pretty girl. Why you not
staying with somebody?
799
00:33:41,834 --> 00:33:43,208
You could stay
with somebody.
800
00:33:43,208 --> 00:33:44,500
Like, what's wrong
with your pussy?"
801
00:33:44,500 --> 00:33:45,166
I was like, "Really, nigga?
802
00:33:54,750 --> 00:33:57,500
So if I was a ugly chick,
I'd deserve to be homeless?
803
00:33:57,500 --> 00:33:59,333
Like, what are you saying?"
Like...
804
00:33:59,333 --> 00:34:00,208
He was like, "No, I'm just
saying, you a pretty girl
805
00:34:00,208 --> 00:34:02,667
and I'm sure any dude
would love to,
806
00:34:02,667 --> 00:34:04,500
like, you know,
have you stay at they place.
807
00:34:04,500 --> 00:34:07,000
You don't have to be in your car
in the streets like that."
808
00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:07,917
And I'm like, "Dude, look,
I don't fuck people
809
00:34:07,917 --> 00:34:09,959
for a roof over my head.
810
00:34:09,959 --> 00:34:11,750
I fuck people to heal them.
811
00:34:15,041 --> 00:34:16,625
I'm a healer.
812
00:34:16,625 --> 00:34:20,792
I'm a motherfucking
unicorn, okay?"
813
00:34:20,792 --> 00:34:22,542
He was like,
"Look, here go $300.
814
00:34:22,542 --> 00:34:24,333
Find yourself a hotel room
for the week."
815
00:34:24,333 --> 00:34:27,041
I was like, "Kevin, where am I
gonna find a hotel room
816
00:34:27,041 --> 00:34:29,208
for $300
for a fucking week in L.A.?
817
00:34:29,208 --> 00:34:30,125
Don't make no sense."
818
00:34:30,125 --> 00:34:32,125
He was like,
"You'll find something,
819
00:34:32,125 --> 00:34:33,709
and I want you to make a list.
820
00:34:33,709 --> 00:34:34,500
I want you to make
a list of goals.
821
00:34:34,500 --> 00:34:36,792
Write it out on
a piece of paper.
822
00:34:36,792 --> 00:34:38,792
Write out what you want
to do with your life.
823
00:34:38,792 --> 00:34:40,875
Write it out--a list of goals."
And I was like, "All right."
824
00:34:40,875 --> 00:34:42,125
So I was, like,
trying to find a place
825
00:34:42,125 --> 00:34:43,875
to stay for $300
for a week,
826
00:34:43,875 --> 00:34:45,542
and then I was like,
"Man, fuck that shit."
827
00:34:45,542 --> 00:34:47,750
I got me a room
right there off of Western
828
00:34:47,750 --> 00:34:51,250
and Martin Luther King
at the Snooty Fox.
829
00:34:51,250 --> 00:34:53,500
Got me some shit by the hour,
you know what I'm saying?
830
00:34:53,500 --> 00:34:54,709
Like, "Fuck it,
I got about four hours."
831
00:34:54,709 --> 00:34:58,333
And, um... took me a shower
and everything, got fresh,
832
00:34:58,333 --> 00:35:01,417
and then I just start
writing out my list.
833
00:35:01,417 --> 00:35:03,083
And I was just like, "I want
a place to stay, my own spot.
834
00:35:03,083 --> 00:35:06,792
I want to work
with powerful people
835
00:35:06,792 --> 00:35:08,417
like Jada Pinkett
and Will Smith,
836
00:35:08,417 --> 00:35:11,417
and I want to do comedy
for the rest of my life,
837
00:35:11,417 --> 00:35:13,333
and I want to shoot
a Showtime special,
838
00:35:13,333 --> 00:35:15,375
and I just want to be powerful
and unstoppable
839
00:35:15,375 --> 00:35:16,500
when it comes to a female
in the comedy game."
840
00:35:16,500 --> 00:35:19,291
I wrote all this stuff out.
And then the next day,
841
00:35:19,291 --> 00:35:22,250
I get a phone call, and it's one
of my comedy friends.
842
00:35:22,250 --> 00:35:23,542
She's like, "Girl,
I don't know what you did,
843
00:35:23,542 --> 00:35:26,291
I don't know what's going on,
but Kevin had called somebody,
844
00:35:26,291 --> 00:35:28,417
and they called me,
and they said they got a spot
845
00:35:28,417 --> 00:35:30,583
for you right off of Montclair
and Adams, bitch,
846
00:35:30,583 --> 00:35:32,417
right over there--
right off of Crenshaw."
847
00:35:32,417 --> 00:35:33,458
I was like, "For real?"
She was like, "Yup,"
848
00:35:33,458 --> 00:35:35,333
and I was like,
"Well, let me go on over there."
849
00:35:35,333 --> 00:35:37,041
So I go over there, right?
850
00:35:37,041 --> 00:35:38,917
And, you know,
if anybody knows Montclair
851
00:35:38,917 --> 00:35:41,291
and Adams back in the day,
it's like all the crackheads.
852
00:35:41,291 --> 00:35:43,291
It was like "The Walking Dead"
over there, right?
853
00:35:43,291 --> 00:35:46,166
I was like, "Okay.
I can deal with this.
854
00:35:47,792 --> 00:35:49,625
I can handle this."
855
00:35:49,625 --> 00:35:50,959
And then I pull up
to the apartment building,
856
00:35:50,959 --> 00:35:52,417
and there's bars everywhere,
857
00:35:52,417 --> 00:35:53,792
and I was like,
"It's safe.
858
00:35:53,792 --> 00:35:57,417
It's secure."
859
00:35:57,417 --> 00:35:59,458
The dude let me
in the apartment,
860
00:35:59,458 --> 00:36:01,125
and it was like the dirtiest,
nastiest rug.
861
00:36:01,125 --> 00:36:04,375
It had cigarette
burns all in the carpet.
862
00:36:04,375 --> 00:36:06,458
The walls was all yellow
and stained and shit.
863
00:36:06,458 --> 00:36:09,000
It was like brown shit
coming out the ceiling.
864
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:11,041
The windows was all fucked up.
865
00:36:11,041 --> 00:36:13,458
The blinds had burns in them.
866
00:36:13,458 --> 00:36:15,667
It was horrible.
Roaches everywhere.
867
00:36:15,667 --> 00:36:17,041
It was baby roaches
coming up out the stove,
868
00:36:17,041 --> 00:36:19,375
like, "We're born!
Yes!"
869
00:36:19,375 --> 00:36:22,250
It was disgusting.
Termites.
870
00:36:22,250 --> 00:36:23,375
It was fucking nasty,
and the dude's like,
871
00:36:23,375 --> 00:36:26,333
"Do you want it?"
I was like, "It's perfect.
872
00:36:26,333 --> 00:36:30,750
I love it! I could see so much
in here--so much potential.
873
00:36:31,709 --> 00:36:34,208
The roof is good.
I'm happy. I'm happy."
874
00:36:34,208 --> 00:36:37,000
And he was like,
"Well, look, it's $500 a month,
875
00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:38,875
and it's a $500 deposit."
876
00:36:38,875 --> 00:36:40,542
I was like, "Look, all I got--
all I got is $500.
877
00:36:40,542 --> 00:36:42,542
How about I just give you
everything that I got, and, um--
878
00:36:42,542 --> 00:36:46,917
and I'll just fix everything up.
You don't have to do nothing.
879
00:36:46,917 --> 00:36:48,834
You ain't got to paint no walls;
you ain't got to do nothing.
880
00:36:48,834 --> 00:36:50,542
I'll fix everything."
And he was like, "Bae."
881
00:36:50,542 --> 00:36:51,583
and I was like, "Oh, my God,
this is so awesome.
882
00:36:51,583 --> 00:36:54,000
These little goals--
these things be working."
883
00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:56,291
So I started writing
more goals, like,
884
00:36:56,291 --> 00:36:57,667
"I hope I can find some carpet,"
885
00:36:57,667 --> 00:37:00,959
you know what I mean?
886
00:37:00,959 --> 00:37:03,709
"I need mini blinds
and something
887
00:37:03,709 --> 00:37:04,542
to soften up these bars."
888
00:37:07,500 --> 00:37:10,875
And I stayed there,
and it was, like, amazing.
889
00:37:10,875 --> 00:37:13,208
It was amazing to me,
and I made it really nice,
890
00:37:13,208 --> 00:37:14,792
and then, like, a year later,
891
00:37:14,792 --> 00:37:16,625
I ended up booking
this show called
892
00:37:16,625 --> 00:37:17,875
"HBO's Def Comedy Jam,"
893
00:37:17,875 --> 00:37:19,542
and I was on there with, like,
Russell Simmons and them.
894
00:37:24,041 --> 00:37:25,625
D.L. Hughley was hosting,
895
00:37:25,625 --> 00:37:26,792
and he told me
I was funny and stuff,
896
00:37:26,792 --> 00:37:28,375
and then the director
of the show comes over to me,
897
00:37:28,375 --> 00:37:31,500
and he goes, "Yo, Tiffany,
you're amazing, man.
898
00:37:31,500 --> 00:37:32,667
You should come
to our Super Bowl party.
899
00:37:32,667 --> 00:37:35,333
We're having a Super Bowl party.
You should come to it."
900
00:37:35,333 --> 00:37:37,291
And I was like, "Bae,
I would love to come to it."
901
00:37:37,291 --> 00:37:38,500
And it's, like, so crazy
how life go full circle,
902
00:37:38,500 --> 00:37:41,250
'cause I pulled up to the house,
and I was like,
903
00:37:41,250 --> 00:37:44,083
"Oh, my God,
I used to live right here!
904
00:37:44,083 --> 00:37:46,041
This is amazing!
905
00:37:46,041 --> 00:37:48,542
Right here on [inaudible].
I was living here for months!"
906
00:37:48,542 --> 00:37:49,625
And he was like,
"You ain't never lived here."
907
00:37:49,625 --> 00:37:52,583
I said, "Yes, I did, like,
a year and a half ago.
908
00:37:52,583 --> 00:37:53,917
I lived right here
in this place.
909
00:37:53,917 --> 00:37:55,041
It's nice on the inside.
910
00:37:55,041 --> 00:37:56,959
This is beautiful in here."
911
00:37:56,959 --> 00:37:58,041
And he was like,
"I've been here for years.
912
00:37:58,041 --> 00:37:59,792
You ain't never lived here."
913
00:37:59,792 --> 00:38:01,250
I said, "Yes, I did,
in that car right there."
914
00:38:01,250 --> 00:38:04,000
He was like, "Oh, shit.
That was you?
915
00:38:04,000 --> 00:38:06,500
I used to call the police
every morning at 6:45
916
00:38:06,500 --> 00:38:10,208
to get that piece of shit
out of here."
917
00:38:10,208 --> 00:38:13,417
I was like, "Man, thank you.
918
00:38:13,417 --> 00:38:15,959
Thank you
for waking me up every day.
919
00:38:15,959 --> 00:38:17,875
I appreciate that.
920
00:38:17,875 --> 00:38:21,166
Appreciate it."
921
00:38:21,166 --> 00:38:23,166
And it's just crazy, like,
how my life was going,
922
00:38:23,166 --> 00:38:25,166
like, full circle,
923
00:38:25,166 --> 00:38:27,125
and then I started to get,
like--things was coming in,
924
00:38:27,125 --> 00:38:28,041
but they was coming in slow,
and I was getting, like, gigs,
925
00:38:28,041 --> 00:38:30,959
but not really great gigs.
926
00:38:30,959 --> 00:38:32,792
It wasn't, like, something to
really, like, launch a career,
927
00:38:32,792 --> 00:38:34,458
and it seemed like I kept
getting pulled back
928
00:38:34,458 --> 00:38:35,458
for some reason,
and I don't know why.
929
00:38:35,458 --> 00:38:38,000
And I just started
to get really depressed.
930
00:38:38,000 --> 00:38:39,500
I started getting
really sad, y'all,
931
00:38:39,500 --> 00:38:41,166
and it was like the census
had came around.
932
00:38:41,166 --> 00:38:43,041
Y'all know about the census?
933
00:38:43,041 --> 00:38:44,792
That's when they come
to your house and stuff
934
00:38:44,792 --> 00:38:45,625
and they try to count
how many black people live
935
00:38:45,625 --> 00:38:48,041
in the neighborhood
so they know
936
00:38:48,041 --> 00:38:52,125
where to put the section
eight and everything.
937
00:38:52,125 --> 00:38:53,667
And the census
that came to my house,
938
00:38:53,667 --> 00:38:55,458
the numerator came
knocking on my door--
939
00:38:55,458 --> 00:38:56,500
this little--little white man
with glasses.
940
00:38:56,500 --> 00:38:58,917
He come knocking at my door,
and he goes,
941
00:38:58,917 --> 00:39:00,959
"Hello, I'm with
the U.S. government.
942
00:39:00,959 --> 00:39:02,834
I'm with the census,
and we're taking a count,
943
00:39:02,834 --> 00:39:03,792
and we just want to know
944
00:39:03,792 --> 00:39:06,333
how many people live
in this household."
945
00:39:06,333 --> 00:39:10,667
And I was like, "It's just me.
It's just me."
946
00:39:10,667 --> 00:39:12,166
And he was like--
947
00:39:12,166 --> 00:39:14,291
he was like, uh,
"What's the nationality?"
948
00:39:14,291 --> 00:39:15,917
And I was like, "American."
949
00:39:15,917 --> 00:39:17,834
And he goes, "No, no, no.
What's the race?"
950
00:39:17,834 --> 00:39:19,291
And I was like,
"Really, motherfucker?
951
00:39:19,291 --> 00:39:21,083
Is that what we doing?
952
00:39:21,083 --> 00:39:22,500
We bringing racism
to my front door on this day
953
00:39:22,500 --> 00:39:25,333
when I'm already not happy?
What are you doing?
954
00:39:25,333 --> 00:39:28,083
What are you,
colorblind or something?"
955
00:39:28,083 --> 00:39:29,667
And he was like,
"Why, yes, I am.
956
00:39:29,667 --> 00:39:32,291
I'm very colorblind."
I was like, "Oh, shit."
957
00:39:32,291 --> 00:39:35,000
And I had went back
into my brain,
958
00:39:35,000 --> 00:39:37,709
and I had, like, a "That's
So Raven" moment, right?
959
00:39:37,709 --> 00:39:40,166
And I had a whole conversation
with myself, like,
960
00:39:40,166 --> 00:39:42,542
"Girl, this is your chance."
961
00:39:42,542 --> 00:39:44,333
"What do you mean
this is my chance?"
962
00:39:44,333 --> 00:39:46,208
"Obama said it's time
for change."
963
00:39:46,208 --> 00:39:48,125
"He did say
it's time for change."
964
00:39:48,125 --> 00:39:49,709
"Well, you could be
whatever you want to be."
965
00:39:49,709 --> 00:39:50,834
"Well, what should I be?"
966
00:39:50,834 --> 00:39:53,667
"Well, you got a car,
and you know a gang of Asians."
967
00:39:53,667 --> 00:39:55,542
"You right. I do got a car,
and I do know a gang of Asians."
968
00:39:55,542 --> 00:39:58,625
"Well, put that shit
together, girl."
969
00:39:58,625 --> 00:39:59,917
"I'm car-casian."
970
00:40:05,500 --> 00:40:06,709
And he said, "Great,"
and he checked the White box,
971
00:40:06,709 --> 00:40:10,875
and my life has been fantastic
ever since, y'all.
972
00:40:10,875 --> 00:40:13,542
Oh, my God, it is
so awesome being white.
973
00:40:13,542 --> 00:40:15,458
It is so fucking cool.
974
00:40:15,458 --> 00:40:17,333
Three days after I became
a white woman on paper,
975
00:40:17,333 --> 00:40:20,917
my credit score went up
by 300 points, okay?
976
00:40:20,917 --> 00:40:21,750
It is so awesome.
Like, look.
977
00:40:21,750 --> 00:40:24,500
Last year,
I slept with 87 dudes.
978
00:40:24,500 --> 00:40:27,083
Nobody called me ho or nothing.
They said I was an entrepreneur.
979
00:40:27,083 --> 00:40:30,250
I'm a businesswoman, okay?
This right here?
980
00:40:30,250 --> 00:40:32,250
You could write this off
on your taxes, yo.
981
00:40:32,250 --> 00:40:34,959
Write your house off
on your taxes.
982
00:40:34,959 --> 00:40:36,625
Six inches of office space.
983
00:40:36,625 --> 00:40:38,291
We have meetings.
984
00:40:41,041 --> 00:40:42,875
I had to measure it
for the taxes.
985
00:40:47,250 --> 00:40:48,917
One of my friends,
she got mad at me.
986
00:40:48,917 --> 00:40:51,083
"Oh, my God, Tiffany,
how could you do this,
987
00:40:51,083 --> 00:40:53,208
run around here telling people
you a white woman?
988
00:40:53,208 --> 00:40:55,000
You turning your back
on our people."
989
00:40:55,000 --> 00:40:57,417
I said, "Honey, I am not
turning my back on anybody.
990
00:40:57,417 --> 00:40:59,291
If anything, I figured out
the key to the matrix, bitch.
991
00:40:59,291 --> 00:41:03,041
Check a different box."
992
00:41:03,041 --> 00:41:05,000
You could be whatever
the fuck you want to be.
993
00:41:05,000 --> 00:41:07,375
This is America.
This is why people come
994
00:41:07,375 --> 00:41:08,333
from all over the world
to be in this country,
995
00:41:08,333 --> 00:41:10,792
'cause only in America
996
00:41:10,792 --> 00:41:13,291
can you be whatever
the fuck you want to be.
997
00:41:13,291 --> 00:41:14,542
When a white man can wear
five gold medals,
998
00:41:14,542 --> 00:41:17,333
add some titties,
keep his dick,
999
00:41:17,333 --> 00:41:19,125
and win woman of the year,
and ain't even been a woman
1000
00:41:19,125 --> 00:41:20,959
a whole year,
1001
00:41:20,959 --> 00:41:23,000
you can be whatever the fuck you
want to be in America.
1002
00:41:26,542 --> 00:41:29,959
When a white woman can teach
African-American studies,
1003
00:41:29,959 --> 00:41:32,917
be the president of the NAACP,
1004
00:41:32,917 --> 00:41:34,125
wear her hair kinky as fuck,
1005
00:41:34,125 --> 00:41:36,458
tell everybody she black,
fuck all these black dudes,
1006
00:41:36,458 --> 00:41:39,542
and don't nobody say shit
until her mama
1007
00:41:39,542 --> 00:41:41,542
and daddy tell on her,
1008
00:41:41,542 --> 00:41:43,875
you can be whatever the fuck
you want to be in America.
1009
00:41:50,000 --> 00:41:51,000
My cousin--straight up--
1010
00:41:51,000 --> 00:41:53,500
my cousin--true story--
two-time felon.
1011
00:41:53,500 --> 00:41:55,125
Could not get a job nowhere.
1012
00:41:55,125 --> 00:41:56,917
Could not--two-time felon.
1013
00:41:56,917 --> 00:41:58,834
Could not get a job.
1014
00:41:58,834 --> 00:42:01,333
I told her, "Check the white box
and see what happens."
1015
00:42:01,333 --> 00:42:05,500
She now works
for Homeland Security, y'all.
1016
00:42:05,500 --> 00:42:07,875
You can be whatever
the fuck you want to be.
1017
00:42:09,500 --> 00:42:12,083
Donald Trump is the president.
1018
00:42:12,083 --> 00:42:13,834
You can be whatever the fuck--
1019
00:42:13,834 --> 00:42:14,875
you could go onstage
and be like,
1020
00:42:14,875 --> 00:42:18,959
"Yeah, get those
motherfuckers out of here!"
1021
00:42:18,959 --> 00:42:19,500
And now you the president?
1022
00:42:19,500 --> 00:42:21,667
Fuck it. Who knows?
1023
00:42:21,667 --> 00:42:23,250
In five years, I could very well
1024
00:42:23,250 --> 00:42:25,208
become the next leader
of the KKK.
1025
00:42:28,542 --> 00:42:32,458
And wouldn't that be some shit?
1026
00:42:32,458 --> 00:42:33,709
I'ma tell you right now,
a lot of things
1027
00:42:33,709 --> 00:42:35,875
are gonna change about the KKK.
1028
00:42:35,875 --> 00:42:37,542
If I run it, it's gonna be a lot
of things that are different.
1029
00:42:37,542 --> 00:42:38,917
First off, we're not gonna
wear them hoods,
1030
00:42:38,917 --> 00:42:40,750
'cause that fuck
your hairline up.
1031
00:42:40,750 --> 00:42:43,375
That's why they be
going bald up in here.
1032
00:42:43,375 --> 00:42:46,333
Hate make your
hairline disappear.
1033
00:42:46,333 --> 00:42:48,875
So we gonna wear do-rags,
1034
00:42:48,875 --> 00:42:53,333
'cause that make your hair
lay nice and keep it moist.
1035
00:42:56,750 --> 00:42:59,709
And only rich people
can be in the KKK.
1036
00:42:59,709 --> 00:43:04,166
Only rich people,
so it's gonna be full of Asians.
1037
00:43:04,166 --> 00:43:06,041
And I would change this too.
1038
00:43:06,041 --> 00:43:06,583
We wouldn't do this right here
if I was running the KKK.
1039
00:43:06,583 --> 00:43:08,750
We wouldn't do this.
1040
00:43:08,750 --> 00:43:10,583
Uh-uh. 'Cause this fuck
your rotator cuff up.
1041
00:43:10,583 --> 00:43:11,834
This right here
fuck up your rotator.
1042
00:43:11,834 --> 00:43:13,667
We would do like this.
"Ay!"
1043
00:43:13,667 --> 00:43:15,542
'Cause that's a full-body
workout right there.
1044
00:43:15,542 --> 00:43:17,583
And we wouldn't say
"white power";
1045
00:43:17,583 --> 00:43:20,709
we'd say "white magic," what?
1046
00:43:20,709 --> 00:43:23,041
'Cause I'm into Harry Potter.
1047
00:43:23,041 --> 00:43:24,583
That's what I'm into.
1048
00:43:24,583 --> 00:43:27,583
I'm into magic, man.
I'm into magic.
1049
00:43:27,583 --> 00:43:29,750
And now that I've been,
like--like,
1050
00:43:29,750 --> 00:43:32,875
I feel like my whole life
has been magical.
1051
00:43:32,875 --> 00:43:34,250
And there's been parts
of my life
1052
00:43:34,250 --> 00:43:35,959
that's been really fucked up,
1053
00:43:35,959 --> 00:43:38,750
and now, like, I'm so particular
about who I date.
1054
00:43:38,750 --> 00:43:40,750
Like, I don't want
to just date anybody.
1055
00:43:40,750 --> 00:43:42,458
I can't just date anybody.
1056
00:43:42,458 --> 00:43:44,250
I want to date dudes
that have an inheritance.
1057
00:43:44,250 --> 00:43:46,959
I think that's important.
1058
00:43:46,959 --> 00:43:49,083
I really do think
that's very important,
1059
00:43:49,083 --> 00:43:50,875
'cause that means you got people
that love and care about you.
1060
00:43:50,875 --> 00:43:51,917
Somebody cares so much
about you,
1061
00:43:51,917 --> 00:43:54,750
they set it up
so that you can have something
1062
00:43:54,750 --> 00:43:56,625
when they go,
you know what I'm saying?
1063
00:43:56,625 --> 00:43:57,291
When they go down, you go up.
1064
00:43:57,291 --> 00:43:59,458
I'm with that.
1065
00:43:59,458 --> 00:44:02,166
I'm with that. I like that shit.
1066
00:44:02,166 --> 00:44:03,959
And it's just, I feel like
your values are different
1067
00:44:03,959 --> 00:44:06,041
when you know that you got
something coming to you
1068
00:44:06,041 --> 00:44:07,792
once your parents--like, yeah,
I just feel like that's better.
1069
00:44:11,583 --> 00:44:13,792
And I want that.
And I believe the saying.
1070
00:44:13,792 --> 00:44:15,709
They say, "White man die,
he leave a will;
1071
00:44:15,709 --> 00:44:17,375
black man die, he leave a bill."
1072
00:44:17,375 --> 00:44:19,750
And I think that shit
is so true.
1073
00:44:19,750 --> 00:44:23,667
I hate to say it out loud,
but I think it's true.
1074
00:44:23,667 --> 00:44:26,959
I had an uncle pass away not
too long ago in his late 80s.
1075
00:44:26,959 --> 00:44:29,291
You would think after being on
this planet for 80-some years,
1076
00:44:29,291 --> 00:44:31,500
you would have left
something--a piece of land,
1077
00:44:31,500 --> 00:44:33,875
a few hundred thousand dollars
in a bank account--something.
1078
00:44:33,875 --> 00:44:36,709
This motherfucker
didn't leave us nothing
1079
00:44:36,709 --> 00:44:38,875
but newspapers and a cast-iron
skillet from slavery.
1080
00:44:41,792 --> 00:44:43,625
And we know that it was
from slavery,
1081
00:44:43,625 --> 00:44:45,417
'cause we took it
to the "Antiques Roadshow"
1082
00:44:45,417 --> 00:44:47,959
and made some money off of
that shit, so that's cool.
1083
00:44:47,959 --> 00:44:49,750
It was messed up, though,
'cause I don't know
1084
00:44:49,750 --> 00:44:51,458
if you know this
about black people,
1085
00:44:51,458 --> 00:44:53,834
but when somebody passes
away in the family
1086
00:44:53,834 --> 00:44:55,667
and there's no money
to bury him,
1087
00:44:55,667 --> 00:44:59,709
they do fundraisers--
fundraisers galore.
1088
00:44:59,709 --> 00:45:02,333
They'll do fish dinners,
chicken frys.
1089
00:45:02,333 --> 00:45:04,667
They'll try to throw, like,
a little get-together,
1090
00:45:04,667 --> 00:45:06,583
something to get
everybody to donate,
1091
00:45:06,583 --> 00:45:08,041
get the church to donate.
They'll do car washes.
1092
00:45:08,041 --> 00:45:09,041
And that's the worst,
when you see
1093
00:45:09,041 --> 00:45:11,792
your Auntie Gladys
out there washing cars,
1094
00:45:11,792 --> 00:45:15,250
and you know this bitch
is too fat to wear a two-piece.
1095
00:45:17,083 --> 00:45:19,792
I just could see it.
It looked horrible.
1096
00:45:19,792 --> 00:45:23,917
And it's so crazy, 'cause they
raised up enough money
1097
00:45:23,917 --> 00:45:26,375
to get the casket,
to get his suit,
1098
00:45:26,375 --> 00:45:27,834
to have the ceremony
and everything,
1099
00:45:27,834 --> 00:45:29,333
but they didn't have
enough money
1100
00:45:29,333 --> 00:45:31,166
to buy the land to bury him.
1101
00:45:31,166 --> 00:45:32,834
They didn't have enough money
to put him in the ground.
1102
00:45:32,834 --> 00:45:34,417
So they come to me,
'cause they like,
1103
00:45:34,417 --> 00:45:35,709
"Well, Tiff,
you been on a few shows.
1104
00:45:35,709 --> 00:45:37,834
You know, you got some money.
1105
00:45:37,834 --> 00:45:40,333
Can you, you know, go--let's--
we need you to bury Uncle."
1106
00:45:40,333 --> 00:45:44,166
And I'm like, "Um, he never
really did much for me in life.
1107
00:45:44,166 --> 00:45:47,208
I don't know why y'all would
even come at me like that.
1108
00:45:47,208 --> 00:45:49,375
I mean, he let me go to
the foster home and everything.
1109
00:45:49,375 --> 00:45:50,959
I mean, like, what the fuck.
1110
00:45:50,959 --> 00:45:52,208
Like, why would I--that
don't make no sense.
1111
00:45:52,208 --> 00:45:55,458
Like, we used to get sandwiches
and stuff at Subway together,
1112
00:45:55,458 --> 00:45:56,875
and he made me pay for them,
1113
00:45:56,875 --> 00:45:59,792
so I really feel like
I did my part.
1114
00:45:59,792 --> 00:46:02,917
Can we just--
can we just cremate him?
1115
00:46:02,917 --> 00:46:04,875
Let's just cremate him
and put him in a sandwich bag.
1116
00:46:04,875 --> 00:46:08,000
He loved sandwiches.
1117
00:46:08,000 --> 00:46:10,458
Put some tomatoes in there,
a little turkey meat.
1118
00:46:10,458 --> 00:46:12,917
He love that shit.
Like, let's just do that."
1119
00:46:12,917 --> 00:46:15,500
"You can't do that.
That's sacrilegious.
1120
00:46:15,500 --> 00:46:16,917
Don't do that.
We got to put him in the ground.
1121
00:46:16,917 --> 00:46:18,667
We got to put him
in the ground."
1122
00:46:18,667 --> 00:46:20,291
And they bullied me,
and they pressured me,
1123
00:46:20,291 --> 00:46:21,750
and then finally I was
just like, "Fuck it."
1124
00:46:21,750 --> 00:46:23,917
I did it, and it was
my whole savings--
1125
00:46:23,917 --> 00:46:25,583
my whole fucking savings,
1126
00:46:25,583 --> 00:46:27,500
'cause if you want
to bury somebody in L.A.,
1127
00:46:27,500 --> 00:46:29,917
be ready, bitch, 'cause that's
a down payment on a house.
1128
00:46:29,917 --> 00:46:32,250
It is no joke buying
that little piece of grave.
1129
00:46:32,250 --> 00:46:34,500
And I was like, "Oh, my God,
my first piece of land.
1130
00:46:34,500 --> 00:46:37,959
I'm a landowner now.
1131
00:46:37,959 --> 00:46:41,250
But it got a dead body
in it, though."
1132
00:46:41,250 --> 00:46:43,000
Can't build no house on that.
1133
00:46:43,000 --> 00:46:45,291
That shit would be like--
what is it, "Poltergeist"?
1134
00:46:49,709 --> 00:46:52,750
That funeral was
beautiful, though.
1135
00:46:52,750 --> 00:46:55,500
But nobody cried like I cried.
1136
00:46:57,333 --> 00:47:00,041
'Cause I had the most to lose
in that motherfucker.
1137
00:47:00,041 --> 00:47:01,291
I lost.
1138
00:47:01,291 --> 00:47:03,041
I was like, "Oh, it's too soon!
1139
00:47:03,041 --> 00:47:04,959
It's too soon! Why?
1140
00:47:04,959 --> 00:47:08,291
It was way too soon
for my savings account.
1141
00:47:08,291 --> 00:47:10,834
Why?"
1142
00:47:10,834 --> 00:47:14,625
Two months later,
my lights got cut off.
1143
00:47:14,625 --> 00:47:16,000
I'm in the dark,
he in the dark.
1144
00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:18,583
This is not fair.
I'm alive.
1145
00:47:18,583 --> 00:47:21,333
This motherfucker's dead.
1146
00:47:21,333 --> 00:47:23,125
No fair.
1147
00:47:26,500 --> 00:47:30,166
Can't get no return
on that investment, man.
1148
00:47:30,166 --> 00:47:31,333
Let another family member die.
1149
00:47:31,333 --> 00:47:33,125
Uncle gonna have a roommate,
I'll tell you that much.
1150
00:47:38,500 --> 00:47:39,291
But because of that, I realized
1151
00:47:39,291 --> 00:47:41,250
I needed to have
my shit together.
1152
00:47:41,250 --> 00:47:42,166
I needed to have
my stuff together,
1153
00:47:42,166 --> 00:47:44,250
'cause I would never want
to put nobody
1154
00:47:44,250 --> 00:47:45,166
in the family through that.
1155
00:47:45,166 --> 00:47:47,166
I would never want nobody
to have to go
1156
00:47:47,166 --> 00:47:48,000
through what I went through.
1157
00:47:48,000 --> 00:47:52,000
So I went ahead...
I went ahead,
1158
00:47:52,000 --> 00:47:53,417
and I got all my shit together.
1159
00:47:53,417 --> 00:47:55,291
I got--'cause I want to be fly.
1160
00:47:55,291 --> 00:47:58,709
When I die, I'ma be the cutest
motherfuckin' dead person, okay?
1161
00:47:58,709 --> 00:48:00,125
So I got a little girl
in cosmetology school right now
1162
00:48:00,125 --> 00:48:04,083
so she can whip my shit
up real nice, okay?
1163
00:48:04,083 --> 00:48:05,542
'Cause I'm pretty sure
I'ma be old.
1164
00:48:05,542 --> 00:48:06,917
I'm pretty sure
I'ma be old,
1165
00:48:06,917 --> 00:48:09,333
and, um, I want to be
butt naked.
1166
00:48:09,333 --> 00:48:11,709
That's my goal:
be butt fucking naked,
1167
00:48:11,709 --> 00:48:13,500
and I want long mermaid hair
1168
00:48:13,500 --> 00:48:15,375
to cover me up
all the way down to here.
1169
00:48:15,375 --> 00:48:20,125
I already bought the hair off
of Facebook, so it's good.
1170
00:48:20,125 --> 00:48:21,041
Got that shit in a plastic bag
1171
00:48:21,041 --> 00:48:22,750
just waiting,
and it's gonna be long.
1172
00:48:22,750 --> 00:48:25,333
It's about 72 inches, bitch.
1173
00:48:25,333 --> 00:48:28,000
It's long.
1174
00:48:28,000 --> 00:48:30,000
And then I want a--
I got a throne.
1175
00:48:30,000 --> 00:48:32,667
I'ma be in the throne.
I'ma be on this throne, right?
1176
00:48:32,667 --> 00:48:35,166
And it's gonna be
at a nightclub in Hollywood.
1177
00:48:35,166 --> 00:48:37,083
I already rented the space.
It's done.
1178
00:48:37,083 --> 00:48:38,542
So it's whatever.
1179
00:48:38,542 --> 00:48:40,125
I'm there, okay?
1180
00:48:40,125 --> 00:48:40,834
And I'ma be sitting
in the throne
1181
00:48:40,834 --> 00:48:43,542
with the long mermaid hair,
1182
00:48:43,542 --> 00:48:45,458
and it's gonna be like
an under the sea theme, right?
1183
00:48:45,458 --> 00:48:47,125
And my arm gonna be
moving like this.
1184
00:48:47,125 --> 00:48:49,083
I'm gonna have the string
on my arm,
1185
00:48:49,083 --> 00:48:51,250
and it's gonna move my arm
like this right here.
1186
00:48:51,250 --> 00:48:53,458
And I'm gonna have
a hologram on my face.
1187
00:48:53,458 --> 00:48:55,500
I already did the video,
so it's gonna be a hologram
1188
00:48:55,500 --> 00:48:57,250
on my dead face of my live face,
1189
00:48:57,250 --> 00:48:58,417
and I'm gonna be like,
"Turn up, y'all!
1190
00:48:58,417 --> 00:49:02,458
And don't cry! I'm so
motherfucking happy right now!
1191
00:49:02,458 --> 00:49:03,667
Y'all party!
Have fun on me!
1192
00:49:03,667 --> 00:49:05,917
Turn up!
Yeah!
1193
00:49:05,917 --> 00:49:06,417
We playing all the hits!"
1194
00:49:06,417 --> 00:49:10,000
Like...
1195
00:49:10,000 --> 00:49:12,083
that's what I want,
1196
00:49:12,083 --> 00:49:13,583
and then I want to be cremated,
1197
00:49:13,583 --> 00:49:15,250
and I want my ashes to be buried
1198
00:49:15,250 --> 00:49:17,583
at this plum tree
that I got in a pot right now.
1199
00:49:17,583 --> 00:49:19,417
And it's gonna be really big,
1200
00:49:19,417 --> 00:49:21,083
and I'm just gonna move that
plum tree wherever I move to,
1201
00:49:21,083 --> 00:49:23,000
'cause, like, right now,
I'm in South Central,
1202
00:49:23,000 --> 00:49:24,959
but I know I'm gonna move
somewhere else better,
1203
00:49:24,959 --> 00:49:26,250
'cause my career gonna have
to get--it got to get better.
1204
00:49:26,250 --> 00:49:30,333
And so I'm gonna take
that tree with me,
1205
00:49:30,333 --> 00:49:31,458
and I'ma put it in bigger pots,
1206
00:49:31,458 --> 00:49:34,291
and then I want my ashes to be
in that plum tree,
1207
00:49:34,291 --> 00:49:36,959
and then a year later,
when the tree becomes fruitful,
1208
00:49:36,959 --> 00:49:38,542
I want everybody that loved me
1209
00:49:38,542 --> 00:49:41,125
and cared about me to eat
from that fruit.
1210
00:49:41,125 --> 00:49:44,125
I want them to eat the fruit
from that tree,
1211
00:49:44,125 --> 00:49:47,500
'cause then I will be
doing what Genesis says.
1212
00:49:47,500 --> 00:49:48,542
I will be being fruitful,
1213
00:49:48,542 --> 00:49:50,625
'cause I don't think
I'm gonna have no kids,
1214
00:49:50,625 --> 00:49:52,458
so I'ma be fruitful
that way,
1215
00:49:52,458 --> 00:49:54,250
and then I'm gonna get inside of
everybody body when they eat me.
1216
00:49:57,625 --> 00:50:00,041
I just want to be
inside of them for 24 hours.
1217
00:50:00,041 --> 00:50:02,458
That's it.
1218
00:50:02,458 --> 00:50:04,166
I think that's
fuckin' beautiful.
1219
00:50:04,166 --> 00:50:06,792
I don't give a fuck.
1220
00:50:06,792 --> 00:50:07,208
I think it's beautiful.
1221
00:50:14,166 --> 00:50:17,583
My neck is so strong,
I fuckin' broke my choker.
1222
00:50:17,583 --> 00:50:20,417
Can't nobody choke me,
not even you, choker!
1223
00:50:23,000 --> 00:50:25,458
My life changed a lot, man.
1224
00:50:25,458 --> 00:50:26,500
My life has changed
so drastically.
1225
00:50:26,500 --> 00:50:29,792
Like, almost everything
that was on that list
1226
00:50:29,792 --> 00:50:31,917
has come true--almost
every single thing.
1227
00:50:31,917 --> 00:50:35,083
Like, uh, I got to do--I'm on
this TV show right now called
1228
00:50:35,083 --> 00:50:37,333
"The Carmichael Show"
that comes on NBC.
1229
00:50:40,959 --> 00:50:43,667
I did a movie with Key
and Peele called "Keanu,"
1230
00:50:43,667 --> 00:50:47,709
and I was the leading lady
in that movie.
1231
00:50:47,709 --> 00:50:49,750
I didn't even realize--
I didn't even realize
1232
00:50:49,750 --> 00:50:51,750
I was the leading lady
until, like, we was done.
1233
00:50:51,750 --> 00:50:54,083
I was like, "Dang, I worked
a lot of days on this one.
1234
00:50:54,083 --> 00:50:56,291
That's crazy."
1235
00:50:56,291 --> 00:50:59,834
And then I just booked
this movie called "Girls Trip,"
1236
00:50:59,834 --> 00:51:02,583
starring Regina Hall,
Queen Latifah,
1237
00:51:02,583 --> 00:51:04,500
and Jada Pinkett Smith,
1238
00:51:04,500 --> 00:51:06,709
and myself, right?
1239
00:51:06,709 --> 00:51:10,875
And this had to be the most
amazing moment of my life.
1240
00:51:10,875 --> 00:51:12,917
This is like the most
amazing moment so far,
1241
00:51:12,917 --> 00:51:14,375
to be able to work
with these women
1242
00:51:14,375 --> 00:51:15,333
who I watched,
who I admire,
1243
00:51:15,333 --> 00:51:17,667
and, like, dang,
I had put Jada's name
1244
00:51:17,667 --> 00:51:19,542
on that list,
and then boom, there she was,
1245
00:51:19,542 --> 00:51:21,375
and I'm working with her,
and I'll never forget this.
1246
00:51:21,375 --> 00:51:23,625
One day, we was standing
outside the trailers.
1247
00:51:23,625 --> 00:51:25,375
We was in New Orleans
shooting this movie,
1248
00:51:25,375 --> 00:51:27,750
and it was, like,
90 degrees at 7:00 a.m.
1249
00:51:27,750 --> 00:51:29,291
Hot as fuck in New Orleans,
1250
00:51:29,291 --> 00:51:31,208
'cause I think that's
where the devil landed
1251
00:51:31,208 --> 00:51:33,500
when he got
kicked out of heaven.
1252
00:51:33,500 --> 00:51:35,125
Pretty sure that's
where he landed.
1253
00:51:35,125 --> 00:51:37,834
And we were standing
out there talking,
1254
00:51:37,834 --> 00:51:39,709
and I was--I had my little purse
on my shoulder.
1255
00:51:39,709 --> 00:51:42,792
Now, this purse--it looked
like a Michael Kors purse,
1256
00:51:42,792 --> 00:51:44,417
but I had got it
from the Slauson,
1257
00:51:44,417 --> 00:51:47,208
so you know it ain't
no real Michael Kors purse.
1258
00:51:47,208 --> 00:51:49,417
But I'm a firm believer in never
having a bag that you can,
1259
00:51:49,417 --> 00:51:53,417
like--I feel like any bag
that you have as a woman,
1260
00:51:53,417 --> 00:51:55,500
you should be able
to keep that amount of money.
1261
00:51:55,500 --> 00:51:56,583
Like, however much the bag
is worth,
1262
00:51:56,583 --> 00:51:58,750
that's how much money
you should be able to keep
1263
00:51:58,750 --> 00:51:59,959
in that bag at all times.
1264
00:51:59,959 --> 00:52:02,417
I'm a firm believer in that.
1265
00:52:02,417 --> 00:52:06,583
So I had my little $35
Michael Kors bag,
1266
00:52:06,583 --> 00:52:10,250
'cause I could keep $35 in it
at all times, right?
1267
00:52:10,250 --> 00:52:11,542
So I'm standing there
with my bag,
1268
00:52:11,542 --> 00:52:12,542
and it had MKs all over it,
1269
00:52:12,542 --> 00:52:14,250
and just a little bitty "L"
in the middle
1270
00:52:14,250 --> 00:52:15,959
so you couldn't tell.
1271
00:52:15,959 --> 00:52:17,709
It was a knockoff,
but you couldn't tell.
1272
00:52:17,709 --> 00:52:21,583
Like, you had to look to see.
You had to look, look!
1273
00:52:21,583 --> 00:52:23,083
Look!
1274
00:52:26,250 --> 00:52:27,792
I had the bag on.
1275
00:52:27,792 --> 00:52:29,458
We talking and stuff.
We laughing.
1276
00:52:29,458 --> 00:52:30,667
I lean back, laugh, "Ha ha ha,"
1277
00:52:30,667 --> 00:52:33,250
and the little lock on the bag,
little Michael Kors lock,
1278
00:52:33,250 --> 00:52:34,959
just melted off
and hit the ground,
1279
00:52:34,959 --> 00:52:37,875
and was like,
"Tink, tink, tink, tink."
1280
00:52:37,875 --> 00:52:39,792
And I was looking at it hit
the--like, "Boom, boom boom,"
1281
00:52:39,792 --> 00:52:41,709
and then Jada and Queen Latifah
1282
00:52:41,709 --> 00:52:43,208
was like, "What the fuck?"
1283
00:52:46,500 --> 00:52:47,875
And I was like...
1284
00:52:56,750 --> 00:52:58,709
And Jada goes,
1285
00:52:58,709 --> 00:53:00,000
"Um, Tiffany,
what kind of bag is that?"
1286
00:53:00,000 --> 00:53:02,333
And I was like, "This?
1287
00:53:02,333 --> 00:53:05,750
Girl, this a Martin Luther
King bag.
1288
00:53:13,250 --> 00:53:16,709
'Free at last, free at last.'
1289
00:53:16,709 --> 00:53:18,667
We breaking the chains
in this thing, girl.
1290
00:53:18,667 --> 00:53:20,208
That's what this bag is."
1291
00:53:20,208 --> 00:53:21,792
She was like, "Tiffany,
1292
00:53:21,792 --> 00:53:23,208
you cannot be walking
around here
1293
00:53:23,208 --> 00:53:24,792
with knockoff bags anymore.
1294
00:53:24,792 --> 00:53:26,125
You have to wear designer stuff.
1295
00:53:26,125 --> 00:53:27,917
You--when this movie come out,
1296
00:53:27,917 --> 00:53:29,750
you gonna be considered
an A-list actress,
1297
00:53:29,750 --> 00:53:32,375
and you cannot be walking
around here with fake shit."
1298
00:53:32,375 --> 00:53:34,417
And I was like, "Well,
until I can afford
1299
00:53:34,417 --> 00:53:38,709
the real shit,
I'ma be rocking the fake shit.
1300
00:53:38,709 --> 00:53:39,458
And I have no problem
with that, Jada."
1301
00:53:39,458 --> 00:53:41,667
She's like, "Well, you should.
1302
00:53:41,667 --> 00:53:42,500
You need to know
who the designers are.
1303
00:53:42,500 --> 00:53:44,709
Who are your
favorite designers?"
1304
00:53:44,709 --> 00:53:48,375
I was like,
"Whosever in the Slauson."
1305
00:53:48,375 --> 00:53:51,792
She's like, "No, Tiffany, no.
1306
00:53:51,792 --> 00:53:54,041
No, look, Tiff.
1307
00:53:54,041 --> 00:53:55,917
Look, this is what
I'm gonna do for you, Tiffany.
1308
00:53:55,917 --> 00:53:57,083
Look, I got a private jet.
I'm flying to L.A. this weekend.
1309
00:53:57,083 --> 00:53:59,500
You should fly with me."
1310
00:53:59,500 --> 00:54:00,542
I was like, "What?
On a private jet?
1311
00:54:00,542 --> 00:54:03,083
You want me to get with you
on a private jet?
1312
00:54:03,083 --> 00:54:04,917
This is crazy.
Oh, my God. Who else is going?"
1313
00:54:04,917 --> 00:54:09,667
She was like, "It's gonna be me,
Queen, Regina probably a go,"
1314
00:54:09,667 --> 00:54:10,750
and I was like,
"And is that it?" She's like,
1315
00:54:10,750 --> 00:54:12,375
"Yeah, that's pretty much it."
I was like, "Mmm.
1316
00:54:12,375 --> 00:54:14,667
I'm sorry,
I can't take that flight."
1317
00:54:14,667 --> 00:54:15,583
She was like, "What?
Why?"
1318
00:54:15,583 --> 00:54:17,083
I was like, "Aaliyah.
Never forget."
1319
00:54:17,083 --> 00:54:20,583
She was like, "What?"
1320
00:54:20,583 --> 00:54:24,417
I was like, "I seen 'La Bamba,'
bitch. I know what they do.
1321
00:54:24,417 --> 00:54:26,083
As soon as you get, like,
right up in here,
1322
00:54:26,083 --> 00:54:27,750
they take your
motherfucking ass out.
1323
00:54:27,750 --> 00:54:29,792
I'm not going."
She was like, "Are you crazy?"
1324
00:54:29,792 --> 00:54:33,583
I was like, "Bitch, I might be.
1325
00:54:33,583 --> 00:54:34,709
It ain't enough white people
on that flight.
1326
00:54:34,709 --> 00:54:37,750
I'm a white woman now.
I can't just get on that flight.
1327
00:54:41,625 --> 00:54:44,000
Not gonna knock me out the sky."
1328
00:54:44,000 --> 00:54:45,792
She was like,
"Tiffany, you--you a nut,"
1329
00:54:45,792 --> 00:54:46,750
and I was like, "Oh, well."
1330
00:54:46,750 --> 00:54:49,458
She came to L.A.
She came back, right?
1331
00:54:49,458 --> 00:54:51,333
And she brought me a bag.
1332
00:54:51,333 --> 00:54:53,417
Oh, my God, she gave me
a Givenchy bag, y'all.
1333
00:54:53,417 --> 00:54:56,291
I was like, "What?
1334
00:54:56,291 --> 00:54:59,000
This is crazy."
1335
00:54:59,000 --> 00:55:01,625
And she left the tag in it.
It said it was $1,200.
1336
00:55:01,625 --> 00:55:03,458
I was like,
"Bitch, you are so nice.
1337
00:55:03,458 --> 00:55:05,625
Oh, my God. I'm finna pawn
this right away.
1338
00:55:05,625 --> 00:55:11,125
This is gonna pay my light bill
for the rest of the year.
1339
00:55:11,125 --> 00:55:12,959
You are so kind."
1340
00:55:12,959 --> 00:55:14,834
She was like, "Tiffany,
you cannot pawn that bag.
1341
00:55:14,834 --> 00:55:17,291
That is bad luck.
You cannot pawn the bag."
1342
00:55:17,291 --> 00:55:19,250
I was like, "What do you mean
it's bad luck?"
1343
00:55:19,250 --> 00:55:20,792
She's like, "You can't just
get rid of a gift like that.
1344
00:55:20,792 --> 00:55:22,834
You have to use it
for a little while,
1345
00:55:22,834 --> 00:55:24,834
and then you can give it to
somebody else if you want to."
1346
00:55:24,834 --> 00:55:26,000
I was like, "Oh, is that
what rich people do?
1347
00:55:26,000 --> 00:55:28,959
Oh, I didn't know that."
1348
00:55:28,959 --> 00:55:31,291
And she was like, "Tiffany,
you have to use the bag."
1349
00:55:31,291 --> 00:55:34,208
So I been using it, right?
For about six months.
1350
00:55:34,208 --> 00:55:36,041
And then I went ahead
and put that shit on
1351
00:55:36,041 --> 00:55:40,083
OfferUp, let's go, and boom,
got double the price.
1352
00:55:41,500 --> 00:55:44,041
The crazy thing
about that bag, though,
1353
00:55:44,041 --> 00:55:45,834
about that Givenchy--
it had a dog--like,
1354
00:55:45,834 --> 00:55:49,333
it had a mean-ass Rottweiler
on the front of it.
1355
00:55:49,333 --> 00:55:52,458
I was like, "What?" I was like,
"Jada, why is there such--like,
1356
00:55:52,458 --> 00:55:54,166
why you got this mean-ass dog
on the front of it?
1357
00:55:54,166 --> 00:55:55,667
What's that supposed to mean?"
1358
00:55:55,667 --> 00:55:57,208
She goes, like,
"Tiff, look,
1359
00:55:57,208 --> 00:55:58,917
I know you can't
afford security,
1360
00:55:58,917 --> 00:56:01,166
so I figured that'd keep
the niggas off you."
1361
00:56:01,166 --> 00:56:03,333
"Good looking out, Jada.
1362
00:56:03,333 --> 00:56:04,917
Good looking out."
1363
00:56:08,959 --> 00:56:10,417
And then--
and then Jada was like,
1364
00:56:10,417 --> 00:56:12,125
"Tiff, what you doing
this weekend?"
1365
00:56:12,125 --> 00:56:14,000
I said, "Girl,
I ain't doing nothing."
1366
00:56:14,000 --> 00:56:15,375
She said, "You want to come
to dinner with me and Will?"
1367
00:56:15,375 --> 00:56:17,000
I was like, "You and Will Smith?
1368
00:56:17,000 --> 00:56:18,792
Yes! Yes, I want
to come to dinner."
1369
00:56:18,792 --> 00:56:21,000
And I put on my best Facebook
dress that I had got.
1370
00:56:21,000 --> 00:56:23,208
It took seven weeks--
took seven weeks for me
1371
00:56:23,208 --> 00:56:25,000
to get that $22 dress,
1372
00:56:25,000 --> 00:56:26,583
and I ordered a medium,
but it turns out it
1373
00:56:26,583 --> 00:56:28,333
was like a Korean medium,
1374
00:56:28,333 --> 00:56:31,208
so the buttons were
stressed the fuck out,
1375
00:56:31,208 --> 00:56:34,458
but I felt good about it
and went to dinner.
1376
00:56:34,458 --> 00:56:35,917
And it was, like, super dope,
1377
00:56:35,917 --> 00:56:37,709
and we're eating
and everything,
1378
00:56:37,709 --> 00:56:38,709
and I'm just, like,
tripping out, 'cause I'm like,
1379
00:56:38,709 --> 00:56:41,458
"I'm sitting across
from the Fresh Prince."
1380
00:56:41,458 --> 00:56:43,709
I just want to do the running
man and shit, like...
1381
00:56:43,709 --> 00:56:46,291
And they're talking to me,
and I'm talking back,
1382
00:56:46,291 --> 00:56:48,041
and I'm trying to be
as classy as possible,
1383
00:56:48,041 --> 00:56:49,917
'cause I had took
a etiquette class on YouTube,
1384
00:56:49,917 --> 00:56:52,709
so I was...
1385
00:56:52,709 --> 00:56:53,500
doing my best.
1386
00:56:55,875 --> 00:56:59,125
And then Jada goes, "Tiff, what
you--what you doing tomorrow?"
1387
00:56:59,125 --> 00:57:01,375
And I was like, "Girl, I got me
a Groupon to a swamp tour,
1388
00:57:01,375 --> 00:57:03,375
so that's what I'm doing."
1389
00:57:03,375 --> 00:57:05,375
And she was like, "For real?
1390
00:57:05,375 --> 00:57:07,083
Who are you going with?"
I said, "I'm going by myself."
1391
00:57:07,083 --> 00:57:08,583
She was like, "All by yourself?"
And I was like, "Yeah.
1392
00:57:08,583 --> 00:57:10,542
It's a swamp tour.
I'm going by myself.
1393
00:57:10,542 --> 00:57:12,166
I don't have no friends
out here in New Orleans."
1394
00:57:12,166 --> 00:57:13,583
She was like, "Girl,
we should go with you."
1395
00:57:13,583 --> 00:57:15,375
I was like,
"Aw, that'd be nice."
1396
00:57:15,375 --> 00:57:16,917
She was like,
"Yeah, we going with you."
1397
00:57:16,917 --> 00:57:18,917
I was like, "Girl,
you not going with me.
1398
00:57:18,917 --> 00:57:20,583
You know how you famous people
do, say you gonna do something,
1399
00:57:20,583 --> 00:57:21,709
but then you don't do it."
And she was like,
1400
00:57:21,709 --> 00:57:24,041
"No, we're gonna go."
I was like, "Yeah, right."
1401
00:57:24,041 --> 00:57:25,625
So the next day
come about, right?
1402
00:57:25,625 --> 00:57:28,667
And, um, I'm like--it's 12:00,
and I'm like,
1403
00:57:28,667 --> 00:57:29,917
"Shit, they ain't
really gonna go.
1404
00:57:29,917 --> 00:57:30,917
They ain't called me yet."
1405
00:57:30,917 --> 00:57:33,417
And I smoked some of
the best weed ever.
1406
00:57:33,417 --> 00:57:36,250
I had imported--I had
imported it from L.A., right?
1407
00:57:36,250 --> 00:57:37,709
So it's the finest weed.
1408
00:57:37,709 --> 00:57:38,750
It was called Charlie Sheen.
1409
00:57:38,750 --> 00:57:43,458
I was fucked up.
I'm telling you, I was like,
1410
00:57:43,458 --> 00:57:45,417
"I just want to get
as high as possible so
1411
00:57:45,417 --> 00:57:47,250
when I'm out here on this swamp,
1412
00:57:47,250 --> 00:57:49,583
I can hear the alligators
talking to me and shit.
1413
00:57:49,583 --> 00:57:52,125
The birds gonna be singing;
the raccoons gonna wave at me.
1414
00:57:52,125 --> 00:57:53,458
I'm gonna feel like
I'm in a Disney movie.
1415
00:57:53,458 --> 00:57:55,500
It's gonna be beautiful.
1416
00:57:55,500 --> 00:57:56,959
Yeah."
1417
00:57:56,959 --> 00:58:01,166
And then, at about 12:45,
I get a phone call from Jada,
1418
00:58:01,166 --> 00:58:03,166
and she's like,
"Hey, Tiff.
1419
00:58:03,166 --> 00:58:04,917
Um, you still going
on that swamp tour?"
1420
00:58:04,917 --> 00:58:07,125
I said, "Yeah, girl. [coughs]
Yeah, I'm going."
1421
00:58:07,125 --> 00:58:09,583
She said, "Well, what time
are you leaving?" I said,
1422
00:58:09,583 --> 00:58:11,291
"I'm gonna leave probably
about 1:30 or whatever."
1423
00:58:11,291 --> 00:58:13,250
She said, "Well, me
and Will gonna go with you."
1424
00:58:13,250 --> 00:58:15,458
I was like, "What? For real?"
1425
00:58:15,458 --> 00:58:16,917
She was like, "Yeah."
1426
00:58:16,917 --> 00:58:18,125
I was like, "Okay, cool.
1427
00:58:18,125 --> 00:58:20,333
But look, since y'all got dinner
last night, don't even trip.
1428
00:58:20,333 --> 00:58:22,458
I'm gonna get your Groupon.
1429
00:58:22,458 --> 00:58:25,375
It's never nothing, you know?
1430
00:58:25,375 --> 00:58:27,834
Y'all looked out with dinner;
I got your Groupon."
1431
00:58:27,834 --> 00:58:28,291
And she was like, "What?
1432
00:58:28,291 --> 00:58:29,750
Okay. Whatever."
1433
00:58:29,750 --> 00:58:32,667
And she was like,
"Meet us at the hotel."
1434
00:58:32,667 --> 00:58:35,125
I was like, "No problem."
So then I get myself together.
1435
00:58:35,125 --> 00:58:36,834
I try to sober up,
do some jumping jacks,
1436
00:58:36,834 --> 00:58:38,083
and drink water.
1437
00:58:42,208 --> 00:58:45,667
"All right, I can drive."
1438
00:58:45,667 --> 00:58:48,542
And I jump in my little
$20-a-day rental car, right?
1439
00:58:48,542 --> 00:58:50,709
And I drive over to they hotel,
1440
00:58:50,709 --> 00:58:52,959
and I'm thinking I'm just gonna
give my keys to the valet
1441
00:58:52,959 --> 00:58:55,500
and jump in they SUV with them
and they security and shit
1442
00:58:55,500 --> 00:58:56,500
and be doing it big-time, right?
1443
00:58:56,500 --> 00:58:59,000
So when I pull up, I'm, like,
1444
00:58:59,000 --> 00:59:00,792
trying to hand the keys
to the valet,
1445
00:59:00,792 --> 00:59:03,458
but Will Smith come running out
the hotel like he in
1446
00:59:03,458 --> 00:59:06,125
"Bad Boys 7" and slide
in the backseat of my rental.
1447
00:59:06,125 --> 00:59:07,542
I'm like, "What the fuck?"
1448
00:59:07,542 --> 00:59:10,917
And he's like,
"Man, it's been years
1449
00:59:10,917 --> 00:59:12,375
since I've been
in a regular car.
1450
00:59:12,375 --> 00:59:15,542
This is pretty cool."
1451
00:59:15,542 --> 00:59:17,417
And Jada gets in.
1452
00:59:17,417 --> 00:59:19,041
She's like, "Oh, my God,
there's no tinted windows.
1453
00:59:19,041 --> 00:59:20,083
This is dangerous.
1454
00:59:20,083 --> 00:59:22,834
I don't know if I feel
comfortable with this."
1455
00:59:22,834 --> 00:59:24,417
And I was like, "Damn, Jada,
you from Baltimore. For real?"
1456
00:59:32,250 --> 00:59:33,917
So we go, and, like,
we take off, right?
1457
00:59:33,917 --> 00:59:37,041
And I'm driving, and in my mind,
I'm doing like this.
1458
00:59:37,041 --> 00:59:38,083
I'm just leaning back
and I'm rolling.
1459
00:59:38,083 --> 00:59:40,709
That's what I'm thinking
is happening in my mind.
1460
00:59:40,709 --> 00:59:43,834
The next day, Jada said I was
all on the wheel like this,
1461
00:59:43,834 --> 00:59:46,166
and I was like, "Of course I was
on the wheel like this, Jada,
1462
00:59:46,166 --> 00:59:47,792
'cause all I'm thinking
to myself is,
1463
00:59:47,792 --> 00:59:50,917
'Ooh, Tiffany,
be as safe as possible.
1464
00:59:50,917 --> 00:59:52,792
You don't want to be
the bitch on TMZ
1465
00:59:52,792 --> 00:59:54,959
that killed the Fresh
Prince of Bel Air.'"
1466
00:59:57,959 --> 01:00:00,625
And every time I'm looking up
in the rear-view,
1467
01:00:00,625 --> 01:00:02,083
I just see Will Smith like,
1468
01:00:02,083 --> 01:00:05,375
and I'm like...
1469
01:00:05,375 --> 01:00:07,792
"There's $280 million
in the backseat
1470
01:00:07,792 --> 01:00:08,250
of my $20-a-day rental.
1471
01:00:08,250 --> 01:00:10,458
What the fuck?
1472
01:00:10,458 --> 01:00:14,041
My life is fucking amazing."
1473
01:00:14,041 --> 01:00:17,834
And then I pull up--pull up
to the swamp tour, right?
1474
01:00:17,834 --> 01:00:19,959
I pull up, and it's like 100--
1475
01:00:19,959 --> 01:00:23,000
it's like 100 white people
out there, right?
1476
01:00:23,000 --> 01:00:24,667
And there's only one boat.
1477
01:00:24,667 --> 01:00:26,834
I pull up.
1478
01:00:26,834 --> 01:00:29,542
There's only one boat
and 100 white people,
1479
01:00:29,542 --> 01:00:34,333
and Jada's like, "Um, Tiffany,
what the fuck is this?"
1480
01:00:36,917 --> 01:00:39,500
I said, "What, Jada?
It's the Cajun Swamp Tour."
1481
01:00:39,500 --> 01:00:42,291
She's like, "Why is there
so many people out here?"
1482
01:00:42,291 --> 01:00:45,375
I said, "Girl, it's a Groupon.
They probably got Groupons."
1483
01:00:50,166 --> 01:00:51,959
"Tiffany, what the fuck
is a Groupon?"
1484
01:00:57,834 --> 01:00:59,792
"Jada, you don't know
what a Groupon is?
1485
01:00:59,792 --> 01:01:02,291
What do you think
a Groupon is, Jada?"
1486
01:01:02,291 --> 01:01:04,125
"I thought it meant
you had your own boat
1487
01:01:04,125 --> 01:01:06,625
that you could take
a group of people on, Tiffany."
1488
01:01:10,458 --> 01:01:13,041
I was like, "Jada--Jada,
1489
01:01:13,041 --> 01:01:17,208
why would I have
my own boat, Jada?
1490
01:01:17,208 --> 01:01:21,291
I got a Martin Luther King bag.
1491
01:01:21,291 --> 01:01:23,333
That don't even make no sense."
1492
01:01:26,041 --> 01:01:27,792
We go on the swamp tour,
and it was beautiful,
1493
01:01:27,792 --> 01:01:30,333
but when we first went
on the boat, right?
1494
01:01:30,333 --> 01:01:31,917
We first get
to the boat--everybody
1495
01:01:31,917 --> 01:01:33,125
start clapping
and cheering, right?
1496
01:01:33,125 --> 01:01:35,291
And I had walked on first,
and I was like, "Thank you.
1497
01:01:35,291 --> 01:01:36,834
Thank you so much.
1498
01:01:36,834 --> 01:01:38,625
Oh, yeah.
I really appreciate this."
1499
01:01:38,625 --> 01:01:39,917
And everyone was like,
"Not you, bitch.
1500
01:01:39,917 --> 01:01:42,000
Will! Jada!"
And I was like, "Aw.
1501
01:01:42,000 --> 01:01:44,125
That's fucked-up.
I'm white, y'all.
1502
01:01:44,125 --> 01:01:46,959
I'm white.
1503
01:01:46,959 --> 01:01:48,458
These is niggas."
1504
01:01:56,709 --> 01:01:58,417
They was all trying
to take pictures of Will,
1505
01:01:58,417 --> 01:02:00,208
and Jada was trying
to take pictures and stuff,
1506
01:02:00,208 --> 01:02:01,458
and Will stands up.
1507
01:02:01,458 --> 01:02:02,834
He goes, "Look. Look, everybody.
1508
01:02:02,834 --> 01:02:04,834
This is the Cajun Swamp Tour,
1509
01:02:04,834 --> 01:02:07,792
not the Will Smith Tour,
so let's just enjoy ourselves,
1510
01:02:07,792 --> 01:02:10,542
see what we can see,
learn what we can learn,
1511
01:02:10,542 --> 01:02:11,709
and at the end of the tour,
if we're in the mood,
1512
01:02:11,709 --> 01:02:13,875
we'll take pictures
with everybody.
1513
01:02:13,875 --> 01:02:15,417
Is that okay with you guys?
1514
01:02:15,417 --> 01:02:16,875
Is that all right
with you guys?"
1515
01:02:16,875 --> 01:02:19,166
And everybody's like, "Yay!
Hey, yeah!"
1516
01:02:19,166 --> 01:02:20,208
And they cheering
and clapping and laughing,
1517
01:02:20,208 --> 01:02:23,709
and I'm like, "This is
some bullshit right here.
1518
01:02:23,709 --> 01:02:25,583
He didn't even say
nothing funny.
1519
01:02:25,583 --> 01:02:27,166
I've been working
all these years to be funny.
1520
01:02:27,166 --> 01:02:31,125
He didn't say shit.
Is this what money do?
1521
01:02:31,125 --> 01:02:34,417
I need money."
1522
01:02:34,417 --> 01:02:36,458
So we enjoying ourselves
on this tour.
1523
01:02:36,458 --> 01:02:39,417
It's beautiful, and we just
really enjoying ourselves,
1524
01:02:39,417 --> 01:02:40,959
and then Will leans over to me.
1525
01:02:40,959 --> 01:02:41,834
He looks at me, and he goes,
"Man, Tiff,
1526
01:02:41,834 --> 01:02:44,375
I'm gonna have
to get me one of these."
1527
01:02:44,375 --> 01:02:46,083
I was like, "One of these
little ferry boats?"
1528
01:02:46,083 --> 01:02:49,166
He was like, "No, no, no.
I'm gonna get a swamp."
1529
01:02:56,250 --> 01:02:59,291
Did this nigga just say
he about to buy a ecosystem?
1530
01:03:02,417 --> 01:03:05,709
Niggas with choices.
Niggas with choices.
1531
01:03:06,875 --> 01:03:08,625
They ended up becoming
my friends, man,
1532
01:03:08,625 --> 01:03:11,417
and I've had so much fun,
1533
01:03:11,417 --> 01:03:12,917
like, getting to know them,
and it's, like, so crazy.
1534
01:03:12,917 --> 01:03:15,083
They invited me
to their house, right?
1535
01:03:15,083 --> 01:03:16,792
And I remember pulling up
to their house
1536
01:03:16,792 --> 01:03:18,542
and the gate opening.
1537
01:03:18,542 --> 01:03:20,291
I felt like I was
entering Jurassic Park,
1538
01:03:20,291 --> 01:03:21,792
you know what I mean?
It's so fuckin' beautiful.
1539
01:03:21,792 --> 01:03:23,375
Music start playing.
1540
01:03:23,375 --> 01:03:25,500
And I was like,
"This is awesome."
1541
01:03:25,500 --> 01:03:26,709
And then, like,
I was hanging out,
1542
01:03:26,709 --> 01:03:28,458
and their sons were there,
1543
01:03:28,458 --> 01:03:29,250
and all I could think
to myself is, like,
1544
01:03:29,250 --> 01:03:31,125
"Oh, my God, I hope that, like,
1545
01:03:31,125 --> 01:03:33,291
one of their sons
see me and, like,
1546
01:03:33,291 --> 01:03:35,417
start feeling me
and fall in love with me.
1547
01:03:35,417 --> 01:03:36,875
And then, like, I do it to them,
1548
01:03:36,875 --> 01:03:37,959
and then I get pregnant,
and we get married,
1549
01:03:37,959 --> 01:03:40,208
and then Will and Jada
will be my mom and dad,
1550
01:03:40,208 --> 01:03:45,000
and that's every foster kid's
dream come true, you know?"
1551
01:03:45,000 --> 01:03:48,166
And then I would inherit
a swamp and shit.
1552
01:03:48,166 --> 01:03:50,000
Like, that would be so dope.
1553
01:03:55,291 --> 01:03:57,333
Like, I try to find the beauty
in everything, though,
1554
01:03:57,333 --> 01:03:59,250
and I think that's
super important, you guys.
1555
01:03:59,250 --> 01:04:00,959
Find the beauty
in every single moment.
1556
01:04:00,959 --> 01:04:03,667
If you can find the dopeness
in it, find it,
1557
01:04:03,667 --> 01:04:06,458
'cause it's--we so lucky
to get to live.
1558
01:04:06,458 --> 01:04:11,000
We so lucky to get
to have experiences.
1559
01:04:11,000 --> 01:04:13,000
And before I leave up out
of here, I want to do one thing.
1560
01:04:13,000 --> 01:04:14,750
I want to just do one thing.
1561
01:04:14,750 --> 01:04:16,166
I want to curse
every single one of you.
1562
01:04:16,166 --> 01:04:17,959
I want to curse
every single person
1563
01:04:17,959 --> 01:04:19,542
that's watching this right now.
1564
01:04:19,542 --> 01:04:21,166
I curse you with all
the happiness
1565
01:04:21,166 --> 01:04:22,125
and joy you can fuckin' handle.
1566
01:04:22,125 --> 01:04:24,792
I hope you become
so motherfucking happy
1567
01:04:24,792 --> 01:04:27,709
that you become contagious.
1568
01:04:27,709 --> 01:04:31,208
I hope your happiness
becomes so contagious that
1569
01:04:31,208 --> 01:04:32,291
when you enter a room,
1570
01:04:32,291 --> 01:04:35,000
other motherfuckers get happy
to see your ass.
1571
01:04:35,000 --> 01:04:38,667
I hope that you become
so fucking happy
1572
01:04:38,667 --> 01:04:41,542
you sneeze joy, bitch.
1573
01:04:41,542 --> 01:04:44,083
I hope you shit success.
1574
01:04:44,083 --> 01:04:46,709
I hope you fucking
just be so happy.
1575
01:04:46,709 --> 01:04:49,709
I curse y'all with that.
1576
01:04:49,709 --> 01:04:51,250
I curse everybody in here
1577
01:04:51,250 --> 01:04:53,875
and everybody
watching this with that.
1578
01:04:53,875 --> 01:04:55,792
My name is Tiffany Haddish.
1579
01:04:55,792 --> 01:04:58,000
Thank you so much
for being here tonight.
1580
01:04:58,000 --> 01:05:00,291
[cheers and applause]
1581
01:05:06,542 --> 01:05:10,125
Y'all be safe, and if you
not safe, name it after me.
1582
01:05:10,125 --> 01:05:12,917
Tiffany Haddish. Goodnight.
1583
01:05:12,917 --> 01:05:16,750
♪ hip-hop music ♪
1584
01:05:16,750 --> 01:05:21,667
♪♪♪
1585
01:05:23,917 --> 01:05:25,000
♪ Make it rain on this boo.
My jokes are so deadly ♪
1586
01:05:25,000 --> 01:05:26,083
♪ What? ♪
1587
01:05:26,083 --> 01:05:28,041
♪ My workload's so heavy ♪
♪ What? ♪
1588
01:05:28,041 --> 01:05:31,083
♪ My paychecks are steady ♪
♪ Hey ♪
1589
01:05:31,083 --> 01:05:32,917
♪ I'm repping. She ready ♪
♪ That part ♪
1590
01:05:32,917 --> 01:05:34,250
♪ She is ready from
the hood to Hollywood ♪
1591
01:05:34,250 --> 01:05:36,709
♪ She is ready from the hood
to Hollywood ♪
1592
01:05:36,709 --> 01:05:38,625
♪ Ooh ♪
1593
01:05:38,625 --> 01:05:40,834
♪ She is ready from
the hood to Hollywood ♪
1594
01:05:40,834 --> 01:05:42,375
♪ She is ready
from the hood to Hollywood ♪
1595
01:05:42,375 --> 01:05:44,250
Let's go.
118423
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