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1
00:00:01,139 --> 00:00:03,326
[♪♪]
2
00:00:03,410 --> 00:00:05,410
*THE CONNERS*
Season 05 Episode 03
3
00:00:06,531 --> 00:00:08,707
Hey, have you seen Ben's
nose-hair trimmer?
4
00:00:08,802 --> 00:00:11,732
Oh, it's not really
a shareable tool, Dad.
5
00:00:12,060 --> 00:00:14,193
I'm not gonna
put it up my nose.
6
00:00:14,396 --> 00:00:16,835
I need it to trim
the little bumps off my sweater.
7
00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:18,263
I can't stop
playing with them.
8
00:00:18,348 --> 00:00:20,537
I-I'm gonna end up
making a hole.
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00:00:21,287 --> 00:00:23,366
Hey, um,
come take a look
10
00:00:23,451 --> 00:00:25,091
at what I just found
on Mark's computer.
11
00:00:25,294 --> 00:00:28,021
You shouldn't be looking
at your kid's computer.
12
00:00:28,105 --> 00:00:29,892
But if it's porn,
it's not that big a deal
13
00:00:29,976 --> 00:00:32,242
to find sexy pictures
of some guy.
14
00:00:32,568 --> 00:00:34,092
Or Angie Dickinson.
15
00:00:35,852 --> 00:00:37,465
No, it's not that.
16
00:00:37,549 --> 00:00:41,556
It's a spreadsheet of his
top ten picks of colleges.
17
00:00:41,661 --> 00:00:43,004
Don't tell him
I was snooping,
18
00:00:43,089 --> 00:00:45,279
but there's eight that are
on the East and West Coast
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00:00:45,404 --> 00:00:47,561
and there's only two
that are close by.
20
00:00:47,646 --> 00:00:49,377
Well, I don't know
how you feel about that,
21
00:00:49,462 --> 00:00:51,653
but I think it's great
he wants to get away from home
22
00:00:51,737 --> 00:00:53,232
and experience
something new.
23
00:00:54,522 --> 00:00:56,505
Yeah, that's what
I was thinking.
24
00:00:57,521 --> 00:00:58,952
Well, I'm glad
you see it that way,
25
00:00:59,037 --> 00:01:01,489
because the more you try
to keep your kid home,
26
00:01:01,573 --> 00:01:04,753
I promise you, that makes them
want to leave even more.
27
00:01:04,837 --> 00:01:07,451
Yeah. Why would I do that?
Leaving home is healthy.
28
00:01:07,572 --> 00:01:10,237
Exactly!
And you know what's even worse?
29
00:01:10,555 --> 00:01:14,103
Sometimes when you tell them
to stay, they do.
30
00:01:15,413 --> 00:01:17,505
You know what?
When you look at it...
31
00:01:17,589 --> 00:01:19,507
New York, Seattle,
San Francisco...
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00:01:19,591 --> 00:01:21,204
These are all
fun cities.
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00:01:21,402 --> 00:01:22,972
I don't quite
get Delaware,
34
00:01:23,057 --> 00:01:25,214
but I guess what happens there
stays there
35
00:01:25,299 --> 00:01:27,283
'cause no one really knows
where it is.
36
00:01:27,493 --> 00:01:29,573
- What you guys doing in here?
- Talking about me?
37
00:01:29,658 --> 00:01:32,301
You got something to say,
you can say it to my face!
38
00:01:33,455 --> 00:01:35,213
We weren't,
but you're annoying.
39
00:01:35,338 --> 00:01:36,959
There. You happy?
40
00:01:37,275 --> 00:01:38,565
I just heard voices
upstairs.
41
00:01:38,650 --> 00:01:40,245
I thought maybe
something interesting
42
00:01:40,330 --> 00:01:41,529
might be happening
without me.
43
00:01:41,613 --> 00:01:44,837
Nope. Darlene was showing me
Mark's list of colleges.
44
00:01:44,921 --> 00:01:47,143
Almost all of them
are as far away from Lanford
45
00:01:47,228 --> 00:01:48,322
as you can get.
46
00:01:48,407 --> 00:01:49,665
[ Quietly ]
And his mother.
47
00:01:49,750 --> 00:01:52,495
Oh. Ohh.
Is she okay with that?
48
00:01:52,697 --> 00:01:55,690
She says she is,
but I see a huge asteroid
49
00:01:55,775 --> 00:01:56,805
hurtling towards us.
50
00:01:56,889 --> 00:01:59,357
Hey. What's going on?
I heard voices upstairs.
51
00:01:59,442 --> 00:02:01,242
I thought something
interesting was happening.
52
00:02:02,303 --> 00:02:04,131
That the last
pudding cup?
53
00:02:05,504 --> 00:02:06,704
Yes.
54
00:02:07,166 --> 00:02:08,830
Thanks for
bringing it up.
55
00:02:10,510 --> 00:02:12,104
So, Dan was telling me
about Mark
56
00:02:12,189 --> 00:02:14,301
picking some
faraway colleges.
57
00:02:14,416 --> 00:02:15,409
What?
58
00:02:15,494 --> 00:02:17,418
I didn't know he was
looking at out-of-state schools.
59
00:02:17,502 --> 00:02:18,385
You okay with that?
60
00:02:18,486 --> 00:02:21,026
I think it's great. Why?
Do you have a problem with it?
61
00:02:21,111 --> 00:02:22,979
Because it's what
nature intends.
62
00:02:23,064 --> 00:02:25,425
I mean, you wouldn't know that
because you don't have kids,
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00:02:25,510 --> 00:02:27,636
but they're supposed to
leave the nest.
64
00:02:27,721 --> 00:02:29,487
It's a big, exciting world
out there.
65
00:02:29,572 --> 00:02:31,650
And don't stand
in his way, Ben!
66
00:02:32,205 --> 00:02:34,439
Phew.
What was that?
67
00:02:34,611 --> 00:02:37,689
The asteroid can now be seen
by the naked eye.
68
00:02:39,018 --> 00:02:41,371
Well, that made even less
sense than what she said.
69
00:02:41,455 --> 00:02:43,128
And you know what?
I deserve pudding
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00:02:43,213 --> 00:02:45,236
as much as anybody else
in this house!
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00:02:45,455 --> 00:02:47,213
[♪♪]
72
00:02:47,297 --> 00:02:49,806
*THE CONNERS*
Season 05 Episode 03
73
00:02:49,895 --> 00:02:54,431
[♪♪]
74
00:02:54,515 --> 00:02:57,947
Episode Title: "Driving, Dating and Deceit"
Aired on: October 05, 2022.
75
00:02:58,056 --> 00:03:02,085
[♪♪]
76
00:03:06,559 --> 00:03:07,791
"The Conners" is filmed
77
00:03:07,876 --> 00:03:09,377
in front of
a live studio audience.
78
00:03:09,462 --> 00:03:11,768
Hey. You have to
tell your family
79
00:03:11,853 --> 00:03:15,048
to stop using my nose-hair
trimmer for other things!
80
00:03:15,942 --> 00:03:18,728
Sneezed out something
navy blue yesterday.
81
00:03:19,423 --> 00:03:21,909
Hey, you guys, good news!
I got a job!
82
00:03:22,010 --> 00:03:24,299
- Hey! Alright!
- Wow!
83
00:03:24,619 --> 00:03:25,776
A job?
84
00:03:25,869 --> 00:03:27,449
Huh! You went out
and got one on your own?
85
00:03:27,533 --> 00:03:28,846
That's unusual
in this family.
86
00:03:28,931 --> 00:03:30,432
Not, like, court-mandated
or anything?
87
00:03:30,603 --> 00:03:31,767
[ Laughs ]
88
00:03:31,900 --> 00:03:33,112
Well, so, what's the job?
89
00:03:33,197 --> 00:03:35,174
What, are you a ticket taker
at the movies?
90
00:03:35,259 --> 00:03:37,298
Paper boy?
A soda jerk?
91
00:03:37,900 --> 00:03:39,821
I'm not a teenager
in the 1950s.
92
00:03:39,906 --> 00:03:41,157
Yeah.
93
00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:43,790
You do kinda dress
like one.
94
00:03:45,188 --> 00:03:47,197
I'm bagging groceries
at the Whole Foods
95
00:03:47,282 --> 00:03:48,900
on the nice side of town.
Oh.
96
00:03:48,985 --> 00:03:50,049
All the customers
wear yoga pants
97
00:03:50,133 --> 00:03:51,702
and have tiny dogs
in strollers.
98
00:03:51,786 --> 00:03:55,444
Oh, yeah. You can tell
it was made for rich people.
99
00:03:55,529 --> 00:03:56,766
In the bathrooms,
they don't even put locks
100
00:03:56,850 --> 00:03:59,203
on their
toilet-paper rolls.
101
00:03:59,287 --> 00:04:00,857
Oh, they will after we hit 'em
a couple times.
102
00:04:00,941 --> 00:04:02,163
[ Laughs ]
103
00:04:02,247 --> 00:04:03,425
It's...
It's gonna be great
104
00:04:03,509 --> 00:04:04,948
for me to make money
for college,
105
00:04:05,032 --> 00:04:06,776
but I need to get
my driver's license.
106
00:04:06,860 --> 00:04:08,082
Wow.
107
00:04:08,166 --> 00:04:12,129
College and driver's license
and a job.
108
00:04:12,213 --> 00:04:14,044
You're growing up a little fast,
aren't you?
109
00:04:14,128 --> 00:04:16,943
Or it's the exact right speed.
Beer?
110
00:04:19,786 --> 00:04:21,878
Yeah.
To growing up.
111
00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:23,390
If you're worried about me,
don't.
112
00:04:23,475 --> 00:04:24,968
I'm gonna be a safe driver,
113
00:04:25,052 --> 00:04:26,491
and you just have to
practice driving with me
114
00:04:26,575 --> 00:04:27,983
so I can take the test.
115
00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:29,585
We can make it fun,
too.
116
00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:31,701
We can drive around
historical sites in the city.
117
00:04:31,795 --> 00:04:34,238
Yeah, that's a good three
or four blocks to explore.
118
00:04:34,322 --> 00:04:35,761
[ Silverware rattles ]
119
00:04:36,420 --> 00:04:39,092
Okay, driving buddy,
it's a date.
120
00:04:39,177 --> 00:04:41,331
Oh, I just gotta duct-tape
the side-view mirror
121
00:04:41,416 --> 00:04:43,682
back on the car, and then
we are street-legal, baby!
122
00:04:43,766 --> 00:04:45,293
Thank you.
123
00:04:45,377 --> 00:04:46,642
Hey.
124
00:04:46,726 --> 00:04:49,155
Somebody gave me tickets
to see Chicago tonight
125
00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:50,298
at Ravinia.
126
00:04:50,382 --> 00:04:53,127
They're down to three
original members, some randos,
127
00:04:53,211 --> 00:04:55,303
and a 9-year-old girl drummer
who's an Internet phenom!
128
00:04:55,387 --> 00:04:56,869
Who wants to go?
129
00:04:56,953 --> 00:04:58,828
I'm... busy.
130
00:04:58,912 --> 00:05:01,135
Sorry, Becky. Ben and I
planned a date night.
131
00:05:01,219 --> 00:05:02,484
Yeah, I'm out too.
132
00:05:02,568 --> 00:05:06,444
Neville bought a pottery wheel,
so we're gonna...
133
00:05:06,528 --> 00:05:09,447
We're gonna reenact
that scene from "Ghost."
134
00:05:09,531 --> 00:05:10,535
Ugh!
135
00:05:10,619 --> 00:05:12,276
What?!
136
00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:13,712
I get a night
with my man,
137
00:05:13,796 --> 00:05:16,277
you guys get a misshapen
fruit bowl for Christmas.
138
00:05:17,539 --> 00:05:19,501
Hey, why don't you
take a date, Becky?
139
00:05:19,585 --> 00:05:21,242
[ Doorbell rings ]So, in your mind,
I had a date,
140
00:05:21,326 --> 00:05:23,505
but I'd rather go
with you losers?
141
00:05:23,589 --> 00:05:25,155
[ Laughs ] Okay.
142
00:05:30,082 --> 00:05:32,000
Hey! What's up?
143
00:05:32,085 --> 00:05:33,515
You want to go
to a concert?
144
00:05:33,599 --> 00:05:35,517
It might give the remaining
three Chicago members
145
00:05:35,733 --> 00:05:38,293
a reason to live.
146
00:05:38,386 --> 00:05:41,827
I'd love to, but I'm just
stopping by on my way to work.
147
00:05:41,911 --> 00:05:43,911
I brought you
some good news. Oh, I could use some.
148
00:05:47,439 --> 00:05:48,918
These are
divorce papers.
149
00:05:50,877 --> 00:05:52,925
You got
your green card!
150
00:05:53,009 --> 00:05:54,927
I know.
Isn't that great?
151
00:05:55,011 --> 00:05:56,364
And now you don't
have to tell people
152
00:05:56,448 --> 00:05:59,062
you have a husband
while you're dating.
153
00:05:59,146 --> 00:06:00,324
Uh...
154
00:06:00,408 --> 00:06:03,458
Oh,
and look at this.
155
00:06:03,542 --> 00:06:07,375
A save-the-date card
for your wedding!
156
00:06:07,459 --> 00:06:10,291
Right inside
the divorce papers.
157
00:06:10,375 --> 00:06:12,162
It's kind of like saying,
"Get out of my life
158
00:06:12,246 --> 00:06:13,911
unless you're bringing me
a present."
159
00:06:13,996 --> 00:06:17,220
No, no, no, no. Gabriela
put on there "no presents."
160
00:06:17,469 --> 00:06:19,343
We feel blessed just
to have your company.
161
00:06:19,637 --> 00:06:21,020
You can bring someone
if you like.
162
00:06:21,114 --> 00:06:23,546
Uh, does it have to be a person?
Can it be a cat?
163
00:06:23,631 --> 00:06:25,459
'Cause that's kind of
where I'm headed.
164
00:06:26,946 --> 00:06:29,560
Anyway,
I hope you'll be there.
165
00:06:29,645 --> 00:06:32,085
Thank you.
But probably not.
166
00:06:32,170 --> 00:06:33,523
Your wife
would be jealous
167
00:06:33,608 --> 00:06:35,700
because I'd be all hot
and everything.
168
00:06:36,226 --> 00:06:38,580
But I am gonna get you
a present.
169
00:06:38,664 --> 00:06:42,137
I already ordered
a one-of-a-kind fruit bowl!
170
00:06:47,064 --> 00:06:48,068
You're doing great.
171
00:06:48,153 --> 00:06:49,373
You mean
that merge, right?
172
00:06:49,457 --> 00:06:51,506
That was
one hell of a merge.
173
00:06:51,590 --> 00:06:54,607
Of course, this is Lanford.
Not a lot of cars to merge into.
174
00:06:54,692 --> 00:06:57,642
Not like, I don't know,
San Francisco.
175
00:06:57,726 --> 00:07:00,776
Hills, fog,
trolley cars,
176
00:07:00,860 --> 00:07:03,561
you know,
people diving off of bridges,
177
00:07:03,645 --> 00:07:05,868
hearts that were
left behind.
178
00:07:05,952 --> 00:07:08,218
Now you're just saying
a bunch of words.
179
00:07:08,302 --> 00:07:10,568
And why'd you pick
San Francisco?
180
00:07:10,652 --> 00:07:12,091
No reason.
It's just...
181
00:07:12,175 --> 00:07:15,396
an example of a big city
with a lot of traffic.
182
00:07:16,571 --> 00:07:18,402
Oh. Oh, oh, oh.
We're coming up to a stop sign.
183
00:07:18,486 --> 00:07:19,925
Are you ready?
Yes, I'm ready.
184
00:07:20,009 --> 00:07:21,449
Okay, if you're so ready,
why are you looking at me?
185
00:07:21,533 --> 00:07:23,797
Because you keep
talking to me. Mark, slow down!
186
00:07:23,882 --> 00:07:26,774
Slow down! Damn it!
You just rolled through a stop sign!
187
00:07:26,859 --> 00:07:27,961
If you'd have done that
in San Francisco,
188
00:07:28,046 --> 00:07:29,929
you could've rolled
right over a hippie!
189
00:07:31,882 --> 00:07:33,983
Why are you
yelling at me?
190
00:07:34,100 --> 00:07:37,502
Well, I'm sorry, but if you're
so anxious to be independent,
191
00:07:37,587 --> 00:07:39,064
then you have to
pay attention.
192
00:07:39,149 --> 00:07:40,294
People are crazy.
193
00:07:40,378 --> 00:07:42,217
They're... They're
watching TikTok videos
194
00:07:42,302 --> 00:07:44,830
and they're texting,
and then there are those guys
195
00:07:44,915 --> 00:07:47,213
that are dancing and
spinning signs on every corner.
196
00:07:47,297 --> 00:07:50,429
It's hard not to watch.
Some of them are really talented.
197
00:07:51,038 --> 00:07:52,739
I know, but you're
stressing me out!
198
00:07:52,824 --> 00:07:53,893
You have to calm down.
199
00:07:53,978 --> 00:07:55,218
I am fine!
200
00:07:55,436 --> 00:07:57,946
I am fine, okay?!
Now just drive!
201
00:08:02,312 --> 00:08:04,666
And remember that any mistake
you make in this car
202
00:08:04,750 --> 00:08:06,766
could be your last, okay?
203
00:08:06,851 --> 00:08:08,583
And you could take someone
with you.
204
00:08:08,999 --> 00:08:11,455
[ Quietly ] I know who
I'd like it to be.
205
00:08:11,539 --> 00:08:12,991
If you're mumbling
death threats,
206
00:08:13,108 --> 00:08:14,806
then you're not focusing
on the road.
207
00:08:14,890 --> 00:08:17,287
[♪♪]
208
00:08:17,371 --> 00:08:20,421
Well, finally did it.
I joined a dating app.
209
00:08:20,505 --> 00:08:22,205
Oh, good for you.
210
00:08:22,289 --> 00:08:24,686
Whose dog are you holding
in your profile picture?
211
00:08:24,770 --> 00:08:26,984
Oh. I took that picture
down at the shelter.
212
00:08:27,069 --> 00:08:28,438
They let you hold them
and everything.
213
00:08:28,531 --> 00:08:30,142
It's a good way to reel in
the nice guys.
214
00:08:30,993 --> 00:08:32,781
And I'll adopt Lucky
if I find a guy with a house,
215
00:08:32,952 --> 00:08:35,103
but it's got to be
within three weeks.
216
00:08:35,188 --> 00:08:37,699
There's a bit of a clock
on Lucky.
217
00:08:37,783 --> 00:08:40,226
Worst
reality show ever.
218
00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:42,514
"Marry Me
or the Dog Gets It."
219
00:08:44,050 --> 00:08:47,186
But I am happy you're
finally moving on from Aldo.
220
00:08:47,270 --> 00:08:49,667
Yeah, it was hard,
but, uh,
221
00:08:49,751 --> 00:08:51,495
I've already been texting
with this one guy.
222
00:08:51,579 --> 00:08:53,413
He seems cool.
His name's Steve.
223
00:08:54,756 --> 00:08:56,239
How old is this guy?
224
00:08:56,323 --> 00:08:58,459
Late 30s. I think
I'm gonna ask him out.
225
00:08:58,543 --> 00:09:00,069
Well, I gotta go.
226
00:09:00,153 --> 00:09:02,071
I'm giving a woman
a tattoo of Todd Rundgren
227
00:09:02,155 --> 00:09:04,636
in a "Where's Waldo?" outfit
saying, "Hello, It's Me."
228
00:09:07,369 --> 00:09:09,012
We've got a problem.
229
00:09:09,097 --> 00:09:11,028
I know. Harris never
pays for lunch.
230
00:09:11,113 --> 00:09:12,647
No!
231
00:09:12,731 --> 00:09:16,043
I went out with the guy
that Harris likes online.
232
00:09:16,128 --> 00:09:17,989
I don't remember
exactly how it ended,
233
00:09:18,074 --> 00:09:20,426
but there was a lot of yelling
and it was really bad.
234
00:09:20,511 --> 00:09:23,411
Oh, crap. You gotta warn her.
Why don't you remember?
235
00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:25,113
Is that back
when you were drinking?
236
00:09:25,499 --> 00:09:28,168
I didn't black out
because I was too sober!
237
00:09:31,097 --> 00:09:34,277
I better check him out before
Harris gets in any deeper.
238
00:09:34,603 --> 00:09:36,918
Well, you know what I'd do
if I was you?
239
00:09:38,363 --> 00:09:40,148
I'd wear a wire.
240
00:09:41,888 --> 00:09:43,153
Why?
Do you think it's safer?
241
00:09:43,238 --> 00:09:44,983
Ah, not really.
I just wanna listen.
242
00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:48,509
[♪♪]
243
00:09:48,996 --> 00:09:50,043
- Ben!
- Hmm?
244
00:09:50,128 --> 00:09:51,163
Get in here.
245
00:09:51,722 --> 00:09:53,035
Where's my mom?
246
00:09:53,119 --> 00:09:55,981
Oh, she's at the new house
micromanaging the electrician.
247
00:09:56,066 --> 00:09:57,958
He's probably this close
248
00:09:58,043 --> 00:10:00,039
to sticking his tongue
in the electrical panel.
249
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:04,277
I need you to take me
to my driving test.
250
00:10:04,464 --> 00:10:07,926
Oh, Mark, now, I know your mom's
been kind of intense lately,
251
00:10:08,011 --> 00:10:10,114
but being there
when you get your license
252
00:10:10,199 --> 00:10:11,700
is important to her.
253
00:10:11,785 --> 00:10:13,238
And I don't know
if you've noticed,
254
00:10:13,323 --> 00:10:16,801
but your mom's disappointment
rolls downhill.
255
00:10:16,886 --> 00:10:20,043
And so,
by the time it gets to me,
256
00:10:20,199 --> 00:10:23,282
that ball is covered
in goat heads and barbed wire.
257
00:10:23,426 --> 00:10:26,277
I-I know, but she'll
make me so paranoid
258
00:10:26,371 --> 00:10:29,410
and insane on the way over that
I'll freeze up and I'll fail.
259
00:10:29,722 --> 00:10:32,519
Come on.
You gotta help me... Dad.
260
00:10:32,629 --> 00:10:35,864
[ Laughs ]
Okay.
261
00:10:35,949 --> 00:10:38,341
Oh, we're gonna play
that game, huh? Okay.
262
00:10:38,426 --> 00:10:40,082
Well... look...
263
00:10:40,543 --> 00:10:42,011
my youngest...
264
00:10:43,097 --> 00:10:46,372
I am happy to deceive
your mother for a good cause,
265
00:10:46,457 --> 00:10:48,411
but how are we gonna
keep it from her?
266
00:10:48,496 --> 00:10:50,169
Okay.
Here's the plan.
267
00:10:50,254 --> 00:10:52,387
You take me to get my license
in the morning,
268
00:10:52,472 --> 00:10:53,723
and then both of you
take me
269
00:10:53,808 --> 00:10:55,794
to a different DMV
in the afternoon.
270
00:10:55,879 --> 00:10:58,458
You'll distract her while I go
outside for about 20 minutes
271
00:10:58,543 --> 00:11:00,614
and pretend to
take my driving test.
272
00:11:00,699 --> 00:11:02,988
Then I'll come back in,
say I passed because of her,
273
00:11:03,073 --> 00:11:06,441
and the goat-head ball rolls
past you and hits Harris.
274
00:11:06,856 --> 00:11:10,123
Ha. There is one thing
I can say about you Conners.
275
00:11:10,535 --> 00:11:13,441
There is not an honest man
amongst you.
276
00:11:17,347 --> 00:11:20,592
Oh, hey. What's up?
It's your day off.
277
00:11:21,152 --> 00:11:23,466
I texted that guy Steve.
He's meeting me here.
278
00:11:23,551 --> 00:11:25,894
Good idea. Vet him in person.
What'd you say to him?
279
00:11:25,979 --> 00:11:28,767
I told him I'm sober now,
working my steps,
280
00:11:29,032 --> 00:11:30,384
and I asked him
to help me
281
00:11:30,468 --> 00:11:31,951
fill in some of the gaps
from that time.
282
00:11:32,035 --> 00:11:33,257
Becky, come on.
283
00:11:33,465 --> 00:11:35,512
He's never gonna admit
to the bad things he did
284
00:11:35,597 --> 00:11:37,129
if he thinks
you don't remember them.
285
00:11:37,246 --> 00:11:39,597
Now, when I was
on the force...
286
00:11:40,394 --> 00:11:42,403
somebody wouldn't sing,
we'd take 'em in the back,
287
00:11:42,488 --> 00:11:44,181
uh,
turn off the cameras,
288
00:11:44,405 --> 00:11:47,027
make him read the phone book
with his ear.
289
00:11:48,707 --> 00:11:50,490
You know
what I'm saying?
290
00:11:50,575 --> 00:11:53,058
I do,
after you acted it out.
291
00:11:55,972 --> 00:11:58,456
- Hey, Becky.
- Steve!
292
00:11:58,738 --> 00:12:00,893
Thank you so much
for helping me out.
293
00:12:00,977 --> 00:12:03,200
I gotta say, I was kinda shocked
when you texted me.
294
00:12:03,284 --> 00:12:06,159
Oh. "Shocked" is an
interesting choice of words.
295
00:12:06,243 --> 00:12:07,813
Why do you say that?
296
00:12:07,898 --> 00:12:10,006
Well, you know,
'cause it ended so badly.
297
00:12:10,117 --> 00:12:13,066
Yep. Crazy night.
298
00:12:13,729 --> 00:12:15,516
But that's why
you're here.
299
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:17,215
Uh, no judgment,
300
00:12:17,602 --> 00:12:20,230
but I'd like to hear
how you remember that night.
301
00:12:20,953 --> 00:12:24,723
Okay. Well, uh, after you drank
the half bottle of tequila,
302
00:12:24,808 --> 00:12:27,093
you went outside and knocked
over a line of motorcycles.
303
00:12:27,177 --> 00:12:29,226
When the bikers
confronted you, you said,
304
00:12:29,310 --> 00:12:30,923
"If you don't like it,
take it up with my boyfriend.
305
00:12:31,007 --> 00:12:33,011
He can kick
your pansy asses."
306
00:12:34,097 --> 00:12:35,232
Wow.
307
00:12:35,316 --> 00:12:37,653
You didn't do anything
to start that?
308
00:12:37,738 --> 00:12:40,846
Because I remember
you screaming at me.
309
00:12:40,930 --> 00:12:42,935
I was screaming,
"Becky, call the cops!
310
00:12:43,019 --> 00:12:44,691
They're breaking
my hand!"
311
00:12:45,254 --> 00:12:48,043
Okay. That was
the missing piece.
312
00:12:48,172 --> 00:12:50,568
Oh. I am so sorry.
313
00:12:50,722 --> 00:12:53,004
I can't believe
you even came here at all!
314
00:12:53,496 --> 00:12:55,237
I really liked you
before you got drunk.
315
00:12:55,496 --> 00:12:56,818
Now that you're sober,
I figured
316
00:12:56,902 --> 00:12:58,488
I'd give you
the benefit of the doubt.
317
00:12:58,944 --> 00:13:00,381
I-I hope now that you've
straightened your life out,
318
00:13:00,465 --> 00:13:01,562
you're happy?
319
00:13:01,646 --> 00:13:03,058
Are you married?
320
00:13:03,143 --> 00:13:05,136
Ha.
Funny you should ask.
321
00:13:05,283 --> 00:13:09,441
My second husband just served
me divorce papers yesterday.
322
00:13:10,525 --> 00:13:12,629
And the first one's dead.
323
00:13:12,983 --> 00:13:15,119
Sounds like I got off easy
with just a shattered hand.
324
00:13:15,312 --> 00:13:17,009
[ Laughs ]
325
00:13:19,077 --> 00:13:21,343
Hey, uh,
what about a do-over?
326
00:13:21,691 --> 00:13:23,280
Any chance you wanna
grab dinner?
327
00:13:23,364 --> 00:13:26,386
Wow. I'm flattered,
but I wouldn't want to
328
00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:29,192
come between anybody you
were thinking of asking out.
329
00:13:29,277 --> 00:13:33,293
You know? A fresh start
instead of a retread.
330
00:13:33,699 --> 00:13:36,118
I'm texting a couple people,
but nobody serious.
331
00:13:36,203 --> 00:13:38,231
Come on. I've had three
surgeries on my hand.
332
00:13:38,316 --> 00:13:40,886
You at least
owe me a meal.
333
00:13:41,208 --> 00:13:42,821
Oh, I guess I do.
334
00:13:42,905 --> 00:13:44,039
Great.
335
00:13:44,129 --> 00:13:46,090
Uh, you know
what we need?
336
00:13:46,175 --> 00:13:47,781
Is some sugar.
337
00:13:48,019 --> 00:13:49,349
We haven't ordered
anything.
338
00:13:49,433 --> 00:13:52,511
Oh, and, um, coffee
to put the sugar in.
339
00:13:52,606 --> 00:13:53,606
Be right back.
340
00:13:56,005 --> 00:13:58,271
What's the verdict?
He a good guy for Harris?
341
00:13:58,355 --> 00:14:00,966
I don't know. I was the one
who caused all the problems.
342
00:14:01,051 --> 00:14:02,933
Mm. Okay.
343
00:14:03,018 --> 00:14:06,278
I'm gonna try and act surprised
and make you feel good.
344
00:14:06,363 --> 00:14:07,847
It was you?!
345
00:14:11,412 --> 00:14:15,347
There's that love and support
that helped me get sober.
346
00:14:16,676 --> 00:14:18,058
Anyway...
347
00:14:18,769 --> 00:14:21,330
I didn't really get a chance
to feel him out yet.
348
00:14:21,629 --> 00:14:24,980
He asked me out for dinner.
That's a bad idea, right?
349
00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:27,591
Harris is really vulnerable
right now.
350
00:14:27,676 --> 00:14:29,778
Look, just because you were
a bad person back then
351
00:14:29,863 --> 00:14:31,154
doesn't mean
that he's a good person now.
352
00:14:31,238 --> 00:14:32,114
You got to check him out.
353
00:14:32,199 --> 00:14:34,568
You got to help her
make a good choice.
354
00:14:34,746 --> 00:14:38,268
Oh, yeah. Good choices
are what I'm all about.
355
00:14:38,472 --> 00:14:40,183
I'm your gal!
356
00:14:40,267 --> 00:14:43,360
[♪♪]
357
00:14:43,746 --> 00:14:45,492
I wonder how
the driving test is going.
358
00:14:45,576 --> 00:14:48,105
Mark was so confident
when he went out to take it.
359
00:14:48,623 --> 00:14:52,020
Well, that's on you for being
such an incredible teacher.
360
00:14:52,386 --> 00:14:53,457
Huh?
361
00:14:53,668 --> 00:14:55,988
If I was you,
I would feel proud.
362
00:14:56,785 --> 00:14:59,309
And nothing else
right now.
363
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:01,421
Oh, crap.
364
00:15:01,505 --> 00:15:04,076
I just remembered
my left turn signal's out.
365
00:15:04,331 --> 00:15:05,575
I better let
somebody know
366
00:15:05,660 --> 00:15:07,079
so Mark doesn't lose
any points for it.
367
00:15:07,163 --> 00:15:10,051
No, no. Hey, hey. Don't worry
about Mark. He's smart.
368
00:15:10,136 --> 00:15:11,475
When he goes to put on
that turn signal,
369
00:15:11,559 --> 00:15:13,872
he'll just make that clicking
sound with his tongue.
370
00:15:13,957 --> 00:15:16,230
Tck-tck-tck-tck.
They'll never know.
371
00:15:20,350 --> 00:15:23,761
Excuse me. Um, my son is taking
his driving test right now,
372
00:15:23,846 --> 00:15:25,584
- and I'm wondering...
- What's your son's name?
373
00:15:25,668 --> 00:15:27,404
Oh.
Uh, Mark Conner-Healy.
374
00:15:28,051 --> 00:15:29,014
Okay.
375
00:15:29,098 --> 00:15:31,103
[ Keyboard clacking ]
376
00:15:31,187 --> 00:15:32,844
Says here that your son
took the test at 9:00 a.m.
377
00:15:32,928 --> 00:15:35,488
this morning
and passed it.
378
00:15:47,469 --> 00:15:48,879
How 'bout that, Ben?
379
00:15:48,964 --> 00:15:50,739
I'm such a good teacher
380
00:15:50,824 --> 00:15:54,879
that Mark passed his test
before he even got here.
381
00:15:57,074 --> 00:15:59,610
Before you do anything,
look around.
382
00:16:00,074 --> 00:16:01,826
There's a lot of cameras
in here.
383
00:16:05,784 --> 00:16:08,152
I passed!
Thanks for all your help, Mom.
384
00:16:08,402 --> 00:16:09,802
I couldn't have done it
without you.
385
00:16:11,155 --> 00:16:13,199
Ben, stop gesturing.
386
00:16:14,991 --> 00:16:17,475
I know you went to take the test
this morning with him.
387
00:16:18,058 --> 00:16:20,957
God. You had one lie
and you fell apart.
388
00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:23,850
I am sorry
I lied to you.
389
00:16:24,185 --> 00:16:26,402
I'm sorry I didn't lie
to her better.
390
00:16:27,548 --> 00:16:30,121
I'm going to the vending machine
to eat my shame.
391
00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:33,470
Why did you ask him
to take you to your test?
392
00:16:33,554 --> 00:16:35,551
Because every time
I got in the car with you,
393
00:16:35,636 --> 00:16:37,735
you turned into
the "Whiplash" guy.
394
00:16:38,293 --> 00:16:40,247
It's like I was doing
something wrong.
395
00:16:40,332 --> 00:16:42,536
I'm just trying to
save money for college.
396
00:16:42,621 --> 00:16:44,437
Well, you better
get paid in euros,
397
00:16:44,668 --> 00:16:47,176
'cause for all I know, your
safety schools are in Europe.
398
00:16:48,748 --> 00:16:50,317
What are you
talking about?
399
00:16:50,402 --> 00:16:52,614
I saw the spreadsheet
on your computer.
400
00:16:52,699 --> 00:16:54,238
Most of the places
you're applying to
401
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:57,121
are as far away from me
as you can get.
402
00:16:57,752 --> 00:17:01,183
Is... Is that why
you've been acting so crazy?
403
00:17:02,974 --> 00:17:06,722
Was I that horrible of a mom
that you just have to get away?
404
00:17:07,090 --> 00:17:10,463
No. No, no.
It's not about you at all.
405
00:17:10,613 --> 00:17:14,161
Mom, I'm a gay kid
in a tiny town in the Midwest.
406
00:17:14,246 --> 00:17:15,926
It's not about
getting away from you.
407
00:17:16,011 --> 00:17:17,427
It's about getting away
from here.
408
00:17:17,746 --> 00:17:20,386
Didn't you move away to Chicago
to get away from Lanford?
409
00:17:20,650 --> 00:17:24,301
Well, yeah, but my mom
wasn't as great as yours is.
410
00:17:25,432 --> 00:17:27,716
And I always could
drive back on the weekends.
411
00:17:27,801 --> 00:17:29,569
I feel like
I'm never gonna see you.
412
00:17:29,653 --> 00:17:32,703
Mom, you know, you didn't just
teach me how to drive away.
413
00:17:32,787 --> 00:17:34,855
You also taught me
how to drive back.
414
00:17:35,311 --> 00:17:37,755
With flares and protective
weather gear in the trunk
415
00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:40,406
and bear repellent
in the glove compartment.
416
00:17:40,621 --> 00:17:43,566
Do you know how many people
get eaten by bears
417
00:17:43,668 --> 00:17:45,472
on their way to college
every year?
418
00:17:46,801 --> 00:17:49,950
Alright.
How about you drive us home?
419
00:17:50,035 --> 00:17:51,199
Okay!
420
00:17:51,284 --> 00:17:54,129
But if you start to make me
nervous, I will push you out.
421
00:17:54,269 --> 00:17:56,551
Do you know how many moms
get killed every year
422
00:17:56,636 --> 00:17:58,555
being pushed out of a moving car
by their son?
423
00:17:58,896 --> 00:18:00,644
All of them.
424
00:18:01,206 --> 00:18:05,472
[♪♪]
425
00:18:10,574 --> 00:18:12,246
Oh, hey, Aunt Becky.
426
00:18:12,777 --> 00:18:14,879
Sorry! Just going out!
Can't talk!
427
00:18:15,090 --> 00:18:17,661
You're going out now?
It's 11:00.
428
00:18:18,074 --> 00:18:20,035
He works
the graveyard shift.
429
00:18:20,715 --> 00:18:22,855
At a fancy
Italian restaurant.
430
00:18:23,347 --> 00:18:25,090
- Night night!
- Wait.
431
00:18:25,207 --> 00:18:27,497
I wanted to talk to you
about that guy Steve.
432
00:18:27,582 --> 00:18:29,701
He started ghosting me.
Why do you think he would do that?
433
00:18:29,785 --> 00:18:31,380
I mean, we were
getting along great,
434
00:18:31,465 --> 00:18:33,764
and all of a sudden
he just stops texting me.
435
00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:35,857
I don't know
what I did wrong.
436
00:18:37,273 --> 00:18:39,278
Don't start
blaming yourself.
437
00:18:39,363 --> 00:18:42,309
Aldo's the only guy I've ever
had a real relationship with,
438
00:18:42,394 --> 00:18:45,144
so maybe only stupid guys
like me.
439
00:18:45,355 --> 00:18:46,472
[ Sighs ]
440
00:18:46,871 --> 00:18:48,277
Don't go there.
441
00:18:48,526 --> 00:18:50,254
Okay?
You're amazing!
442
00:18:50,340 --> 00:18:51,653
Maybe he met
somebody else.
443
00:18:51,738 --> 00:18:54,611
Maybe somebody
he has a history with.
444
00:18:54,750 --> 00:18:58,019
I'm sure you're better than
whoever he shared dinner with.
445
00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:01,785
Which was me.
446
00:19:02,648 --> 00:19:04,044
I'm sorry. What?!
447
00:19:04,129 --> 00:19:06,051
Steve and I went out
a long time ago,
448
00:19:06,136 --> 00:19:07,537
back when
I was drinking.
449
00:19:08,011 --> 00:19:10,621
And I knew
it ended badly,
450
00:19:10,754 --> 00:19:12,864
but I couldn't remember
whose fault it was.
451
00:19:12,949 --> 00:19:15,136
I swear, I had
the best of intentions.
452
00:19:15,254 --> 00:19:16,833
Is that why
you're wearing a dress
453
00:19:16,918 --> 00:19:19,810
where your intentions are all
pushed up for everyone to see?!
454
00:19:20,183 --> 00:19:21,239
Screw you.
455
00:19:21,324 --> 00:19:23,278
You're gonna wake up
Beverly Rose.
456
00:19:23,363 --> 00:19:25,966
Aunt Becky stole a guy
that I was talking to online!
457
00:19:26,051 --> 00:19:28,098
No.
You're absolutely wrong.
458
00:19:28,183 --> 00:19:29,981
Your aunt
only went out with him
459
00:19:30,066 --> 00:19:31,497
to make sure
he wasn't a bad guy.
460
00:19:31,582 --> 00:19:32,793
If you
did something wrong,
461
00:19:32,878 --> 00:19:34,816
now would be a really good time
to tell me.
462
00:19:35,353 --> 00:19:37,403
Harris is right. I shouldn't
have gone out with him.
463
00:19:37,488 --> 00:19:39,463
I am so sorry.
464
00:19:39,547 --> 00:19:40,725
What were you thinking?!
465
00:19:40,809 --> 00:19:42,246
I wasn't!
466
00:19:42,736 --> 00:19:44,301
I got divorce papers,
467
00:19:44,386 --> 00:19:46,505
and I guess I was
feeling sorry for myself
468
00:19:46,590 --> 00:19:48,730
because everybody around me
is in love.
469
00:19:48,815 --> 00:19:50,516
Even Darlene,
for God's sake.
470
00:19:50,616 --> 00:19:54,652
You don't know what doing worse
than Darlene does to me.
471
00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:58,578
Harris, uh,
there's no alternative here.
472
00:19:58,685 --> 00:20:00,690
You're gonna have to
hate her forever.
473
00:20:00,797 --> 00:20:02,121
I know what you're doing,
474
00:20:02,206 --> 00:20:04,855
and I'm not gonna
hate you forever.
475
00:20:05,077 --> 00:20:08,441
Life coach.
You don't lose those muscles.
476
00:20:09,886 --> 00:20:12,597
Look, if you want me
to stop seeing him, I will.
477
00:20:12,682 --> 00:20:14,252
No way.
I don't want him now.
478
00:20:14,345 --> 00:20:16,220
I'm not taking
your leftovers.
479
00:20:16,388 --> 00:20:18,631
Then what can I do
to make this up to you?
480
00:20:18,716 --> 00:20:21,457
That was a really crappy thing
you did,
481
00:20:21,542 --> 00:20:23,503
even if you are
old and desperate.
482
00:20:23,588 --> 00:20:24,897
So old, so desperate.
483
00:20:24,982 --> 00:20:26,630
And, I mean,
you see me
484
00:20:26,715 --> 00:20:29,121
and I'm so young,
I'm so beautiful,
485
00:20:29,205 --> 00:20:31,150
and I've got my whole life
ahead of me.
486
00:20:31,235 --> 00:20:32,282
And I'm at the end.
487
00:20:32,367 --> 00:20:34,572
I've got more yesterdays
than tomorrows.
488
00:20:36,024 --> 00:20:37,680
Tell me the truth.
489
00:20:38,090 --> 00:20:39,660
Am I missing out
on a great guy?
490
00:20:39,745 --> 00:20:43,622
Well, I don't know.
It was only one dinner.
491
00:20:43,785 --> 00:20:46,617
Fine.
Go out with him.
492
00:20:46,701 --> 00:20:48,358
It doesn't matter
to me.
493
00:20:48,442 --> 00:20:50,226
I've got a few hits
on the app anyway.
494
00:20:51,662 --> 00:20:53,580
Did you go out
with him, too?
495
00:20:53,664 --> 00:20:54,664
No.
496
00:20:55,753 --> 00:20:57,364
Does he have a twin?
497
00:21:02,349 --> 00:21:05,571
[ Engine idling, door opens ]
498
00:21:05,821 --> 00:21:07,129
Drive, drive, drive!
499
00:21:07,214 --> 00:21:09,058
[ Tires squeal ]
500
00:21:09,776 --> 00:21:11,636
[ Breathing heavily ]
501
00:21:11,721 --> 00:21:12,933
[ Sighs ] Ohh.
502
00:21:13,023 --> 00:21:15,125
Oh, it's like a cloud.
503
00:21:15,210 --> 00:21:17,273
I have shirts
that aren't this soft.
504
00:21:17,782 --> 00:21:18,809
This is our stash.
505
00:21:18,894 --> 00:21:20,582
The rest of the family
uses the one-ply.
506
00:21:20,667 --> 00:21:21,667
Oh, yeah.
507
00:21:22,244 --> 00:21:24,957
Just when you think you're out,
they pull you back in.
508
00:21:26,941 --> 00:21:27,941
[ Sighs ]
509
00:21:29,107 --> 00:21:31,109
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