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1
00:00:02,403 --> 00:00:04,572
♪♪
2
00:00:04,605 --> 00:00:06,340
Hello.
3
00:00:06,374 --> 00:00:07,908
What?
Are those moving boxes?
4
00:00:07,941 --> 00:00:09,153
Is somebody moving out?!
Let me help.
5
00:00:09,177 --> 00:00:10,578
No. No.
6
00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:12,012
It's stuff I was storing here
7
00:00:12,046 --> 00:00:13,847
because I didn't have room
in my apartment,
8
00:00:13,881 --> 00:00:16,150
but now since I'm moving
into Neville's place,
9
00:00:16,184 --> 00:00:18,086
I got to figure out
what to bring.
10
00:00:18,119 --> 00:00:19,620
No one ever moves out.
11
00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:22,923
Well, you make it too nice.
12
00:00:22,956 --> 00:00:24,392
Moldy shower curtains,
13
00:00:24,425 --> 00:00:26,727
four different kinds
of soap chunks smashed into one.
14
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:28,429
Nobody's leaving that.
15
00:00:29,697 --> 00:00:32,032
Hey!
You look nice.
16
00:00:32,066 --> 00:00:35,035
I'm meeting some friends
at the bar for happy hour.
17
00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:37,205
Are they meeting you
in your coat?
18
00:00:37,238 --> 00:00:40,274
'Cause it seems like that's
where all the food and drinks are.
19
00:00:40,308 --> 00:00:42,876
Well, even happy-hour prices
are kind of high.
20
00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:45,179
Usually, I'll flirt with a guy
so he buys me drinks,
21
00:00:45,213 --> 00:00:47,681
and then I'll shimmy out the
bathroom window and head home,
22
00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:49,450
but the place tonight
is at a rooftop bar,
23
00:00:49,483 --> 00:00:52,420
and I don't want to fall 20
stories for a pumpkin pale ale.
24
00:00:55,123 --> 00:00:57,525
There's a lot of things
you can take from this house...
25
00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:59,627
Books, vegetables, Jackie.
26
00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:02,939
But if you think I'm spending
the rest of my night
27
00:01:02,963 --> 00:01:06,066
with these people sober,
you are sadly mistaken.
28
00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:07,401
Gimme.
29
00:01:08,236 --> 00:01:09,036
Hm!
30
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:11,205
Gimme.
31
00:01:11,239 --> 00:01:13,541
I guess I'm back
to flirting for drinks.
32
00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:15,743
You're not getting
any younger. I'd go.
33
00:01:18,179 --> 00:01:20,648
So how come it took you so long
to move in with Neville?
34
00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:22,216
He's an old-fashioned guy.
35
00:01:22,250 --> 00:01:23,927
He felt like living together
before marriage
36
00:01:23,951 --> 00:01:25,819
would make God cry.
37
00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:29,223
And yet he had no problem
with all the premarital sex.
38
00:01:29,257 --> 00:01:31,325
Single guys have
their own religion.
39
00:01:31,359 --> 00:01:34,828
Oh, I tell ya, I tell ya,
God would be inconsolable
40
00:01:34,862 --> 00:01:36,497
if he saw what we were doing
every night
41
00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:39,066
before I said bye-bye
and headed home.
42
00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:42,102
Are you excited to be
moving in with your fella?
43
00:01:42,136 --> 00:01:44,104
Oh. Yeah.
Absolutely.
44
00:01:44,138 --> 00:01:45,649
This is the first time
I'm living with somebody
45
00:01:45,673 --> 00:01:48,008
because we want to
be together, you know?
46
00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:50,411
Not because he stole my key
while I was asleep
47
00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:52,913
and made a copy at Home Depot.
48
00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:55,115
Oh, my God.
49
00:01:55,149 --> 00:01:56,850
There's stuff from
all different parts
50
00:01:56,884 --> 00:01:59,753
of my life in these things.
51
00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:01,289
[Chuckles]
52
00:02:01,322 --> 00:02:04,592
Oh, my God!
My old service taser!
53
00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:08,128
I was looking for this
the last time my mom visited.
54
00:02:08,162 --> 00:02:11,332
Wait! This was just sitting
in the closet for years?
55
00:02:11,365 --> 00:02:13,301
Relax. It was in a box.
It was taped shut.
56
00:02:13,334 --> 00:02:14,968
Oh, there you go.
57
00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:17,205
No kid has ever gotten
through Scotch tape.
58
00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:19,507
That's why they use it on
liquor cabinets and pool gates.
59
00:02:21,008 --> 00:02:23,377
Wow. Well, no wonder
my box was so heavy.
60
00:02:23,411 --> 00:02:25,379
It's filled with books.
61
00:02:25,413 --> 00:02:27,281
Copies of the book
I self-published,
62
00:02:27,315 --> 00:02:30,784
"Lessons from a Life Coach."
63
00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:32,386
How many of these did you sell?
64
00:02:32,420 --> 00:02:34,822
Oh, that's not important.
65
00:02:34,855 --> 00:02:36,224
If I helped one person...
66
00:02:36,257 --> 00:02:37,525
Got it. One.
67
00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:43,063
Hey! You got Roseanne's
plastic cow creamer.
68
00:02:43,096 --> 00:02:45,132
[Laughs]
She spent like eight years
69
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,543
looking all over the place
for this thing.
70
00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:48,669
I know.
You know what?
71
00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:51,905
Sometimes I even
helped her look for it.
72
00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:54,808
I was gonna slip it into
her casket at the funeral,
73
00:02:54,842 --> 00:02:57,411
but then I thought
I can't let go of that memory
74
00:02:57,445 --> 00:02:59,256
of watching her wander
through the house going,
75
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:00,681
"Where is that
damn thing?"
76
00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:02,483
[Laughs]
77
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:03,760
You know, for
a former life coach,
78
00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:05,253
you're kinda sadistic.
79
00:03:09,357 --> 00:03:10,491
[Door opens]
80
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:11,592
[Television turns on]
81
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:14,595
Hey.
Hmm.
82
00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:16,706
Why do you look so happy?
You know where you are, right?
83
00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:18,499
[Chuckles]
84
00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:20,167
I also know where
we're going tonight.
85
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,436
I got tickets to that
new Italian movie.
86
00:03:22,470 --> 00:03:24,438
The one with the sex, huh?
And the food?
87
00:03:24,472 --> 00:03:26,907
And the screaming
and the smoking and the...
88
00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:28,776
Well, you know.
An Italian movie.
89
00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:31,078
Yeah, if I wanted all that,
I'd just hang out
90
00:03:31,111 --> 00:03:33,381
in the alley
behind the high school.
91
00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:35,783
And to keep the
international theme going,
92
00:03:35,816 --> 00:03:37,918
I got a reservation
at the best French restaurant
93
00:03:37,951 --> 00:03:39,753
in Kane County... Le Maître D'.
94
00:03:39,787 --> 00:03:41,522
You know why they call it that,
don't you?
95
00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:43,357
The last restaurant
was called Le Maître D'
96
00:03:43,391 --> 00:03:45,259
and they didn't feel like
changing the sign.
97
00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:49,530
Well, that is so sweet,
98
00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,465
but you don't have to do
all that for me.
99
00:03:51,499 --> 00:03:53,534
Oh, come on.
It's gonna be fun.
100
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,369
You know what else is fun?
101
00:03:55,403 --> 00:03:57,447
Getting cozy and snuggling up
right here on the couch.
102
00:03:57,471 --> 00:03:59,206
And you know what?
103
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:01,942
We will take control of the
remote for the whole night.
104
00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:03,777
Dan: No, you won't!
Yes, we will!
105
00:04:06,914 --> 00:04:08,215
Alright, well,
what about dinner?
106
00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:09,717
I already took care of it.
107
00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:13,287
At some point, Kenny will be
dropping a contact less delivery
108
00:04:13,321 --> 00:04:16,657
of vegan enchiladas
right at our doorstep.
109
00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:18,392
Oh, he's pulling
out of a weed store,
110
00:04:18,426 --> 00:04:20,060
so we might not get
all of our food,
111
00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:21,929
but some of it's gotta get here.
112
00:04:23,331 --> 00:04:26,233
Well, we can still have
an international night of sorts,
113
00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:29,236
I guess, and before we go
to our Italian movie,
114
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:31,639
Kenny will be high
on Jamaican kush,
115
00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:33,907
and then we'll offend Mexico
116
00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:37,678
by eating what you pretend
are enchiladas.
117
00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:40,781
I am down with all of that,
118
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except for one small tweak.
119
00:04:43,551 --> 00:04:45,252
We change going to a movie
120
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:47,421
to not going
to a freakin' movie...
121
00:04:47,455 --> 00:04:50,157
Pardon my French. Oh, wait.
There's your international.
122
00:04:50,190 --> 00:04:56,464
♪♪
123
00:04:56,497 --> 00:05:03,103
♪♪
124
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:09,643
♪♪
125
00:05:09,677 --> 00:05:12,646
Captions by VITA...
126
00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:14,014
"The Conners" is recorded
127
00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:15,449
in front of
a live studio audience.
128
00:05:15,483 --> 00:05:17,117
Hmm.
129
00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:18,519
What happened?
130
00:05:18,552 --> 00:05:21,455
Uh, you fell asleep
just as Mrs. Doubtfire's
131
00:05:21,489 --> 00:05:25,325
[laughing] fake boobs
caught fire from the stove.
132
00:05:25,359 --> 00:05:28,529
[Sighs] I've seen that movie
three times.
133
00:05:28,562 --> 00:05:31,699
Fiery boobs are funny
maybe twice.
134
00:05:31,732 --> 00:05:33,801
Look, I can't waste my life
135
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:36,236
sleeping on this couch
anymore, you know?
136
00:05:36,269 --> 00:05:40,173
I need some stimulation,
some things that make me think.
137
00:05:40,207 --> 00:05:42,342
Geez. Since when did
everything have to be
138
00:05:42,376 --> 00:05:44,545
so highbrow,
artsy-fartsy for you?
139
00:05:44,578 --> 00:05:46,523
We've always sat around
and vegged out on the couch.
140
00:05:46,547 --> 00:05:49,517
Yeah, but I... [Groans]
141
00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:52,386
I need to be around
creativity, you know?
142
00:05:52,420 --> 00:05:54,722
I-I-I don't write anymore,
143
00:05:54,755 --> 00:05:57,491
and I work at a hardware store
all day long.
144
00:05:57,525 --> 00:05:59,493
And your dad went on
the other day for 20 minutes
145
00:05:59,527 --> 00:06:02,362
about toggle bolts
versus anchor bolts,
146
00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:04,364
and at one point, I looked
over at the rat poison
147
00:06:04,398 --> 00:06:07,468
and I was like, "Oh, man!
If only I had the guts."
148
00:06:11,439 --> 00:06:14,241
Well, I'm... I'm so sorry.
149
00:06:14,274 --> 00:06:16,276
You know, I didn't know
that you still missed
150
00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:18,579
the magazine so much.
Yeah.
151
00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:21,014
Okay. How is this?
152
00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:23,784
Let's check the guide
for a foreign movie
153
00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:25,218
that we can watch
tomorrow night,
154
00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:27,254
and we can eat a foreign snack.
155
00:06:27,287 --> 00:06:30,023
Popcornopolis.
That's Greek, right?
156
00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:32,893
You're not listening to me,
okay?
157
00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:34,528
There's things going on
out there
158
00:06:34,562 --> 00:06:36,396
that I want to be a part of.
159
00:06:36,430 --> 00:06:38,231
Okay, fine.
160
00:06:38,265 --> 00:06:40,934
I-I mean, I want you to be
happy, so pick...
161
00:06:40,968 --> 00:06:42,603
Pick something you want to do.
Anything.
162
00:06:42,636 --> 00:06:44,772
Great. Okay.
163
00:06:44,805 --> 00:06:46,940
Uh, they're doing
"Romeo and Juliet"
164
00:06:46,974 --> 00:06:48,876
at The Pickled Playhouse
in Elk Grove Village
165
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:50,478
this weekend.
Absolutely not.
166
00:06:50,511 --> 00:06:52,746
Every one of those words
sounds awful.
167
00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:54,615
[Chuckles]
Come on. It's fun.
168
00:06:54,648 --> 00:06:56,383
Look, one of the cast members
169
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:59,252
has to do shots every five
minutes until they're drunk,
170
00:06:59,286 --> 00:07:02,456
and then they start screwing up
their lines and improvising,
171
00:07:02,490 --> 00:07:05,225
and the... the whole play
becomes something else entirely.
172
00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:08,562
Does it become
something I want to watch?
173
00:07:08,596 --> 00:07:12,299
[Both laugh]
174
00:07:12,332 --> 00:07:14,935
Look, I'm going,
with or without you.
175
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:17,304
Okay. Fine. I'll go.
176
00:07:17,337 --> 00:07:19,449
But I don't understand why
we can't just grab some beers
177
00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:20,641
and rent
"The Lion King."
178
00:07:20,674 --> 00:07:22,610
That's like "Hamlet"
with a gassy warthog.
179
00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:26,413
Neville: I really like
that cow creamer.
180
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:29,182
Jackie: Yeah, I just hope it
goes with the rest of the stuff
181
00:07:29,216 --> 00:07:31,685
that you got in the...
[Pig snorts]
182
00:07:31,719 --> 00:07:34,121
Well, the...
183
00:07:34,154 --> 00:07:36,990
cow's gonna fit right in.
184
00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:38,425
What's all this about?
185
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,928
These are guys
that need extra care.
186
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,663
I usually stay late
at the clinic for that,
187
00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:44,932
but I want us to be able
to spend time together,
188
00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:46,767
so I just brought them home.
189
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:49,503
Are any of these animals
dangerous?
190
00:07:49,537 --> 00:07:51,772
Oh. Gosh, no.
[Chuckles]
191
00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:54,474
Depends on
what you mean by that.
192
00:07:54,508 --> 00:07:57,110
Well, like,
is that gonna get out
193
00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:58,646
and try and eat me
while I'm sleeping?
194
00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:01,181
No, no, no.
These are all pets.
195
00:08:01,214 --> 00:08:03,326
Although the pig was pulled out
of the slaughterhouse line
196
00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:07,888
at the last minute, so
sometimes he screams at night.
197
00:08:07,921 --> 00:08:11,859
So, um, this is all probably
gonna be for probably,
198
00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:15,729
like... like,
probably like a week?
199
00:08:18,866 --> 00:08:21,835
Yeah, maybe, but now
that we're living together,
200
00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:25,472
I want us to establish a good
work-life balance, you know?
201
00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,975
I know it's a little
Doctor Do little-y,
202
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:30,578
but there will probably
be some patients here
203
00:08:30,611 --> 00:08:31,745
for the foreseeable future.
204
00:08:31,779 --> 00:08:32,880
Oh. Okay.
205
00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:34,014
[Pig squeals]
Wow.
206
00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:35,849
Hm. [Chuckles]
207
00:08:35,883 --> 00:08:36,984
[Macaw squawks]
208
00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:38,586
Oh, there's that thing, too.
209
00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:41,555
Oh, man. Yeah.
210
00:08:41,589 --> 00:08:44,324
That'll probably
go on all night [chuckles]
211
00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:47,561
so I think somebody
probably needs some codeine.
212
00:08:47,595 --> 00:08:49,196
Yeah.
[Chuckles nervously]
213
00:08:49,229 --> 00:08:51,098
I think
that's Mrs. Do little!
214
00:08:56,937 --> 00:08:59,907
Macaw: Where's my doctor?
I need a doctor.
215
00:08:59,940 --> 00:09:03,276
Sounds like somebody
lives with a hypochondriac.
216
00:09:03,310 --> 00:09:06,346
And you need to go... there.
217
00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:07,414
[Pig grunts]
218
00:09:07,447 --> 00:09:10,751
Hey, hey!
I live here, too, okay?
219
00:09:10,784 --> 00:09:12,419
Oh, you want it over here?
220
00:09:12,452 --> 00:09:13,921
There.
221
00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:15,756
[Pig grunts]
Give it a rest.
222
00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:17,557
You've been screaming
all night long.
223
00:09:17,591 --> 00:09:19,793
We've all been through stuff!
Move on!
224
00:09:19,827 --> 00:09:21,028
[Knock on door]
225
00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:23,263
Macaw: Where's my doctor?
Uh-oh. I need a doctor.
226
00:09:23,296 --> 00:09:24,932
And suddenly it was night.
227
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:28,301
Hey!
Hey.
228
00:09:28,335 --> 00:09:29,813
I brought the rest
of your life-coach books.
229
00:09:29,837 --> 00:09:32,806
Oh. I thought the sewer
was backing up outside,
230
00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:35,275
but the smell
is coming from in here.
231
00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:37,477
Yeah, the vet tech guy
who cleans up,
232
00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:38,879
he's running a little late.
233
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:40,614
I wanted to light
a scented candle,
234
00:09:40,648 --> 00:09:43,350
but I think there's too
much methane in this room.
235
00:09:44,618 --> 00:09:46,386
What is happening here?
236
00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:48,922
Oh, it's actually
kind of romantic.
237
00:09:48,956 --> 00:09:50,624
Neville's bringing home
his patients
238
00:09:50,658 --> 00:09:52,059
that need extra care at night
239
00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:54,061
so he can spend
more time with me.
240
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:56,429
Maybe it's worth spending
a little less time with him
241
00:09:56,463 --> 00:10:00,000
not to have to watch that lizard
eat the skin he just shed.
242
00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:01,669
Oh, no, no.
It's not that bad.
243
00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:03,170
He's actually really friendly.
244
00:10:03,203 --> 00:10:04,938
Oh.
Don't reach in, though.
245
00:10:04,972 --> 00:10:07,340
He's real attached
to that dead skin.
246
00:10:07,374 --> 00:10:09,176
If you touch it,
he moves like lightning.
247
00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:10,978
[Gasps]
248
00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:13,246
You have to put a stop
to this right now!
249
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:15,248
You tell Neville
this is your house, too.
250
00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:16,650
Macaw:
Uh-oh! I need a doctor!
251
00:10:16,684 --> 00:10:18,786
You're supposed to be asleep!
252
00:10:18,819 --> 00:10:20,788
[Pig grunts, macaw squawks]
253
00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:22,622
It's like living
in a See 'N Say.
254
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,859
I'm just not comfortable
telling Neville
255
00:10:25,893 --> 00:10:27,427
what he can do in his own house.
256
00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:30,030
I mean, you know,
this happens all the time.
257
00:10:30,063 --> 00:10:33,533
You move in with a guy,
and he's got an old recliner
258
00:10:33,566 --> 00:10:35,803
or a traumatized pig
with night terrors,
259
00:10:35,836 --> 00:10:39,206
and, y-you know,
you just live with it.
260
00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:40,607
Talk to your husband!
261
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,175
Yeah, I guess you're right.
262
00:10:42,209 --> 00:10:44,544
Hey, while you're here,
I promised Neville
263
00:10:44,577 --> 00:10:46,446
I would give Betsy
a suppository.
264
00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:48,515
I need you
to hold her back legs.
265
00:10:48,548 --> 00:10:49,683
Which one's Betsy?
266
00:10:49,717 --> 00:10:52,019
If I tell you, you won't do it.
267
00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:57,791
Romeo: [Slurring] Thy kinsmen
are no stop to me...
268
00:10:57,825 --> 00:11:01,995
Okay. Now, Romeo's had
14 shots in an hour.
269
00:11:02,029 --> 00:11:04,397
Now it's gonna get crazy.
270
00:11:04,431 --> 00:11:07,367
This is the high culture you
were so desperately craving?
271
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:08,902
[Laughs]
272
00:11:08,936 --> 00:11:10,337
With love's light wings
273
00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:13,741
did I o'er-perch
these walls, that...
274
00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:15,308
That's it.
I'm tapping out.
275
00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:16,376
[Laughs]
276
00:11:16,409 --> 00:11:17,878
We can tap out?
Cool. Let's go.
277
00:11:17,911 --> 00:11:20,047
No, no. It's not over.
This is the best part.
278
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,149
This is when he's
gonna make some poor fool
279
00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:23,550
take his place onstage.
280
00:11:23,583 --> 00:11:26,386
You're up, my good man!
281
00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:28,488
[Applause]
282
00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:30,090
Yeah!
283
00:11:31,091 --> 00:11:33,927
I shall not profess love
to such an unworthy suitor.
284
00:11:33,961 --> 00:11:36,864
I've been on "CSI: New Orleans."
I'm out.
285
00:11:36,897 --> 00:11:38,265
Oh.
286
00:11:38,298 --> 00:11:40,934
We need a Juliet!
287
00:11:40,968 --> 00:11:43,403
You!
288
00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:46,206
The one trying to make yourself
as small as possible.
289
00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:48,441
You're Juliet.
290
00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:51,178
[Audience chanting "Juliet!"]
291
00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:53,680
Oh, no, no, no.
Pick somebody else, please.
292
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:56,249
Oh, come on.
Loosen up. Come on.
293
00:11:56,283 --> 00:11:58,427
Be hilariously bad, and
everyone will have a good laugh.
294
00:11:58,451 --> 00:12:01,088
Oh, now that I know I'll be
humiliated, I'd love to stay.
295
00:12:01,121 --> 00:12:03,523
Oh, well, I'm sorry
it's not as exciting
296
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,625
as checking your Jitterbug
for messages
297
00:12:05,658 --> 00:12:07,427
and falling asleep
to "Blue Bloods."
298
00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:08,862
Oh, so I'm old now?
299
00:12:08,896 --> 00:12:10,397
You're becoming your father.
300
00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:12,075
No, my father would have
never allowed himself
301
00:12:12,099 --> 00:12:13,400
to be dragged here.
302
00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:15,869
You said you wanted
to make me happy.
303
00:12:15,903 --> 00:12:16,980
Yeah, well, that was a mistake
304
00:12:17,004 --> 00:12:18,405
that I will never
be making again.
305
00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:20,407
You know what? I'm done
going out altogether.
306
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:22,109
Look out, Romeo.
307
00:12:25,478 --> 00:12:27,314
Where is this opening?!
308
00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:32,886
Where's Ben?
309
00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:35,155
Uh, he's staying
at his place tonight.
310
00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:36,623
Ohh.
311
00:12:36,656 --> 00:12:39,259
Whatever it is, work it out.
312
00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:42,796
I'm not building you two a house
just to destroy my health.
313
00:12:42,830 --> 00:12:44,731
My hammer hand
is frozen into a shape
314
00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,800
that only works
for holding a beer.
315
00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:52,172
I think we can both agree
that you have a beer hand
316
00:12:52,205 --> 00:12:53,974
that occasionally
holds a hammer.
317
00:12:55,876 --> 00:12:58,011
Yeah, but it's no good
for cooking and cleaning,
318
00:12:58,045 --> 00:13:00,848
so I reckon you two squatters
will have to help with that.
319
00:13:02,883 --> 00:13:03,984
Oh.
320
00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:11,558
Oh, reach me the remote,
would ya?
321
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:16,629
Oh. Damn it.
I got a crick.
322
00:13:16,663 --> 00:13:18,098
Oh.
Lean away from it.
323
00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:19,131
Okay.
324
00:13:21,734 --> 00:13:23,103
There we go.
Oh, yeah.
325
00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:25,005
Thank you.
326
00:13:25,038 --> 00:13:26,706
There you go.
Okay.
327
00:13:26,739 --> 00:13:28,308
Man: ...had a hose
that didn't kink
328
00:13:28,341 --> 00:13:30,677
and leak every time
you tried to use it?
329
00:13:30,710 --> 00:13:32,812
Oh, you know, you can
skip the commercials.
330
00:13:32,846 --> 00:13:34,814
I kinda like 'em.
331
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:37,951
Yeah.
Actually, I do, too.
332
00:13:37,985 --> 00:13:39,295
...as soon as you
turn the water...
333
00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:41,621
Oh, I wouldn't mind
having one of those hoses
334
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:43,166
that shrivels up when
you turn the water off.
335
00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:45,025
That's cool.
336
00:13:45,058 --> 00:13:48,896
I'd buy one if I could
get two for the same price.
337
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:52,465
Wait for it.
338
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:53,466
Two for the price of one!
339
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:54,935
Nice!
Nice!
340
00:13:58,205 --> 00:14:00,040
Announcer:
...in the forecourt...
341
00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:02,675
Uh-oh.
342
00:14:05,045 --> 00:14:07,080
What?
343
00:14:07,114 --> 00:14:08,748
Well, Ben might be right.
344
00:14:08,781 --> 00:14:11,351
He says I'm becoming you.
345
00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:13,053
Oh, which me?
346
00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:15,722
The devil-may-care man
about town...
347
00:14:15,755 --> 00:14:18,358
or the guy that coasts
downhill to save gas?
348
00:14:19,893 --> 00:14:23,663
Well, he... he thinks
I'm getting old and boring.
349
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:26,499
Oh, it sounds like
the coasting guy.
350
00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:28,435
Look, there's no shame in that.
351
00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:30,570
You have a family,
you work hard,
352
00:14:30,603 --> 00:14:33,006
and eventually,
your couch becomes
353
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:36,176
your big, cushiony friend
that really gets you.
354
00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:37,844
But, I mean, is that so bad?
355
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,855
Not if you're married to
one of those anti-couchers
356
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:41,548
that believes the hype.
357
00:14:44,617 --> 00:14:45,919
What hype?
358
00:14:45,953 --> 00:14:48,788
That there's a whole
interesting world out there.
359
00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:52,459
Louise badgers me to get out
and listen to live music
360
00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:53,927
or go to some art fair.
361
00:14:53,961 --> 00:14:56,463
I bitch about it the whole time,
but the truth is,
362
00:14:56,496 --> 00:14:58,265
I'm really happy
to have someone in my life
363
00:14:58,298 --> 00:15:01,368
to pull me off
of this couch sometime.
364
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:04,471
Wow. So you love Louise
more than this couch.
365
00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:06,073
That is not where my money was.
366
00:15:09,076 --> 00:15:12,079
Otherwise, you realize
life has passed you by
367
00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:14,914
and you're not really living it.
368
00:15:14,948 --> 00:15:18,551
♪♪
369
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:20,087
[Television playing]
370
00:15:24,091 --> 00:15:26,293
Oh. [Chuckles]
I'll get him to move.
371
00:15:26,326 --> 00:15:28,395
Alfonso just does that
to get my attention.
372
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:29,796
He's such a diva.
373
00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:33,967
Hey, Neville, how about
374
00:15:34,001 --> 00:15:36,303
let's turn off the TV
and just talk?
375
00:15:36,336 --> 00:15:37,837
Sure. Yeah.
376
00:15:37,870 --> 00:15:39,472
While we are talking,
377
00:15:39,506 --> 00:15:43,043
I am going to give this guy
a little me time.
378
00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:49,249
You know, ferrets are one
of the few animals that can go
379
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:54,087
into a rabbit hole head-first
and come out head-first.
380
00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:56,623
One conversation ends,
another begins.
381
00:15:58,391 --> 00:16:02,129
Neville, um, I get that you're
bringing all these guys home
382
00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:03,672
because you want to
spend more time with me,
383
00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:06,166
but you're not really
spending more time with me.
384
00:16:06,199 --> 00:16:07,534
Oh. [Scoffs]
385
00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:09,169
Didn't we have fun
cleaning the earwax
386
00:16:09,202 --> 00:16:12,639
out of that chinchilla together?
387
00:16:12,672 --> 00:16:14,974
Well, I thought Fernando
was a little more bitey
388
00:16:15,008 --> 00:16:17,144
than appreciative,
but the point is
389
00:16:17,177 --> 00:16:19,279
that we're spending a lot
of time with the animals
390
00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:21,481
and we're not getting
any private time.
391
00:16:21,514 --> 00:16:24,551
I know, but all this keeps life
pretty interesting, doesn't it?
392
00:16:24,584 --> 00:16:26,019
Interesting is a puppy.
393
00:16:26,053 --> 00:16:28,388
All this... This is
a documentary that ends
394
00:16:28,421 --> 00:16:31,391
with the neighbors going,
"Well, we saw that comin'."
395
00:16:34,261 --> 00:16:37,397
We don't need all of this
to make our life interesting.
396
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:40,900
But maybe we do.
397
00:16:40,933 --> 00:16:43,236
I don't understand.
398
00:16:43,270 --> 00:16:46,306
When we were dating
and we ran out of things to say,
399
00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:49,376
it was always just, "Goodbye.
See you tomorrow."
400
00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:53,380
But you're the first person
I've actually ever lived with.
401
00:16:53,413 --> 00:16:55,748
I... [Sighs]
402
00:16:55,782 --> 00:16:57,550
I don't know
if I'm interesting enough.
403
00:16:57,584 --> 00:16:59,352
[Gasps] Neville!
404
00:16:59,386 --> 00:17:02,189
I-If I run out of things to say,
you're just gonna see
405
00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:05,258
this kind of boring,
awkward guy staring at you.
406
00:17:05,292 --> 00:17:06,726
Are you kidding me?
407
00:17:06,759 --> 00:17:09,062
You're, like, the most
interesting person that I know.
408
00:17:09,096 --> 00:17:11,498
And do you honestly think
that I would stop loving you
409
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:13,933
if there's a lull
in the conversation?
410
00:17:13,966 --> 00:17:18,371
Well, not if there's
an adorable ferret in my lap!
411
00:17:18,405 --> 00:17:21,941
Okay, you don't have to worry
about silence with me.
412
00:17:21,974 --> 00:17:25,044
If you don't have anything
to say, it's okay.
413
00:17:26,613 --> 00:17:28,948
See?
I have nothing to say!
414
00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:31,351
Silence doesn't mean
that there's something wrong.
415
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,120
It's like music, you know?
416
00:17:33,153 --> 00:17:35,255
There's the notes,
there's the space in between,
417
00:17:35,288 --> 00:17:39,859
but you got to have them both
to make a beautiful song.
418
00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:41,361
You think we make good music?
419
00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:43,230
Yeah, I do,
but we've got to get rid
420
00:17:43,263 --> 00:17:45,732
of all of these backup singers.
421
00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:51,104
And I called the office.
422
00:17:51,138 --> 00:17:52,715
Some of these guys
are just being boarded.
423
00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:54,574
They're not even sick.
Neville!
424
00:17:54,607 --> 00:17:57,277
You had me put a suppository
in a duck
425
00:17:57,310 --> 00:17:59,646
that was, like,
basically on vacation.
426
00:18:02,315 --> 00:18:04,451
She doesn't really need them.
She just likes them.
427
00:18:05,952 --> 00:18:08,788
♪♪
428
00:18:08,821 --> 00:18:10,089
Ben: Hey.
429
00:18:11,191 --> 00:18:12,792
Hey.
430
00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:15,228
You sleep okay?
431
00:18:15,262 --> 00:18:16,763
Yeah, yeah. Fine.
432
00:18:16,796 --> 00:18:18,064
I just came by to get your dad.
433
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:20,333
We're gonna finish up
some plumbing at the new house.
434
00:18:20,367 --> 00:18:23,436
We have a working bathroom now,
but the walls aren't up,
435
00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:25,472
so if you're
in the middle of things
436
00:18:25,505 --> 00:18:28,708
and you see a car coming,
it's a lot of pressure.
437
00:18:34,381 --> 00:18:36,449
Okay.
I'll just say it.
438
00:18:36,483 --> 00:18:39,118
Um, I'm sorry about
what happened at the play.
439
00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:42,789
Yeah, after you left,
they, uh...
440
00:18:42,822 --> 00:18:46,593
They picked me to play Juliet.
441
00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:48,861
And I played her
more strong than pretty.
442
00:18:51,864 --> 00:18:53,833
I'm sorry I missed
that... [Chuckles]
443
00:18:53,866 --> 00:18:55,968
...is something
you're supposed to say.
444
00:18:56,002 --> 00:18:57,537
[Laughs]
445
00:18:57,570 --> 00:19:00,173
Anyway, you're right. I-I...
Sometimes I need a little push
446
00:19:00,207 --> 00:19:02,475
to get out of the house,
so thank you.
447
00:19:02,509 --> 00:19:04,977
Oh.
I appreciate that.
448
00:19:05,011 --> 00:19:08,047
Alright. So how's this?
449
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:11,218
We commit to going out
at least two nights a week.
450
00:19:11,251 --> 00:19:12,652
Mm-hmm.
451
00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:14,687
On my night, we do an activity
452
00:19:14,721 --> 00:19:17,457
that normal people do,
453
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:19,292
and on your night,
454
00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:23,363
we do some pretentious,
insufferable artsy thing
455
00:19:23,396 --> 00:19:26,666
that makes me wish I was dead.
456
00:19:26,699 --> 00:19:29,402
Okay, so I get some creativity
to feed my soul
457
00:19:29,436 --> 00:19:31,037
and it annoys
the hell out of you?
458
00:19:31,070 --> 00:19:32,239
Oh, I'm so in.
459
00:19:32,272 --> 00:19:34,341
Okay.
Don't get excited.
460
00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:35,708
I got some rules
about your night.
461
00:19:35,742 --> 00:19:37,877
[Groans] Such as?
462
00:19:37,910 --> 00:19:41,381
No audience participation
of any kind,
463
00:19:41,414 --> 00:19:45,184
only one thing a year with
the word "festival" in it,
464
00:19:45,218 --> 00:19:47,354
no cover bands...
[Sighs]
465
00:19:47,387 --> 00:19:49,956
...and, no, I do not want to
"see all the cool 'merch.'"
466
00:19:51,891 --> 00:19:55,895
But I love my "Hamilton"
three-corner hat.
467
00:19:55,928 --> 00:19:57,564
And if you hadn't
worn it to bed,
468
00:19:57,597 --> 00:19:59,566
we wouldn't be having
this conversation.
469
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,904
Well, what if I wear it
on my head next time?
470
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:11,644
♪♪
471
00:21:00,627 --> 00:21:02,405
[Falsetto voice]
All are punished, then this
472
00:21:02,429 --> 00:21:05,164
of Juliet and her Romeo.
473
00:21:05,197 --> 00:21:07,066
Ohh!
474
00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:09,836
Hey, hey! That dagger's
not as happy as we are,
475
00:21:09,869 --> 00:21:11,338
'cause you finally
stopped talking!
476
00:21:11,371 --> 00:21:13,773
[Laughter]
Yeah, hey!
477
00:21:13,806 --> 00:21:17,143
I was a better Juliet,
and I have a beard!
478
00:21:17,176 --> 00:21:19,979
I had to help
give a duck a suppository,
479
00:21:20,012 --> 00:21:21,548
and this is worse!
480
00:21:23,716 --> 00:21:26,185
[Normal voice] That's my
family. They came to support me.
481
00:21:26,218 --> 00:21:27,218
Hey!
35727
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