Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:15,898 --> 00:00:19,906
[grunts] Come on, come on,
stupid neck.
2
00:00:19,940 --> 00:00:23,112
[grunts] After all the food
I put down you.
3
00:00:23,146 --> 00:00:24,715
[inhales deeply]
4
00:00:27,989 --> 00:00:29,124
[choking]
5
00:00:29,157 --> 00:00:30,360
Mmm. Button.
6
00:00:30,393 --> 00:00:31,362
[gags]
7
00:00:31,395 --> 00:00:34,535
Homie! What's going on?
8
00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:36,806
[choking]
9
00:00:36,839 --> 00:00:38,009
Knee?
10
00:00:38,109 --> 00:00:39,111
HAIM?
11
00:00:39,244 --> 00:00:40,247
Lick?
12
00:00:40,380 --> 00:00:42,717
[gasps] "Need Heimlich!"
13
00:00:47,294 --> 00:00:48,396
Well played, Marge.
14
00:00:48,530 --> 00:00:49,565
For God's sakes,
15
00:00:49,632 --> 00:00:52,538
why don't you just buy a shirt
with a bigger neck?
16
00:00:52,671 --> 00:00:55,410
Neck shaming, Marge.
Neck shaming.
17
00:00:55,443 --> 00:00:56,846
That's not a thing.
18
00:00:56,947 --> 00:00:58,951
Who made you
president of things?
19
00:00:58,984 --> 00:01:00,954
Quit your bickering.
We'll be late.
20
00:01:01,088 --> 00:01:04,695
Dad, we were saving that suit
for you to be buried in.
21
00:01:04,728 --> 00:01:06,765
This isn't my funeral?
22
00:01:06,899 --> 00:01:08,002
Oh.
23
00:01:10,006 --> 00:01:12,010
♪ ♪
24
00:01:15,750 --> 00:01:17,520
Mm...
25
00:01:19,558 --> 00:01:21,161
Hey, hey!
26
00:01:25,437 --> 00:01:28,442
It's the 35th Annual
Springie Awards,
27
00:01:28,542 --> 00:01:30,446
honoring our town's finest.
28
00:01:30,580 --> 00:01:33,586
And here's Ms. Hoover.
Who are you wearing?
29
00:01:33,719 --> 00:01:36,859
Same thing I always wear.
I can only afford one dress.
30
00:01:36,892 --> 00:01:41,068
Ah, teachers. We can never
repay you for all you do.
31
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:42,671
So, we won't. [chuckles]
32
00:01:42,704 --> 00:01:45,443
Rainier Wolfcastle.
What are you up for?
33
00:01:45,544 --> 00:01:47,147
I am a presenter.
34
00:01:47,181 --> 00:01:49,418
I'll be back...
35
00:01:49,451 --> 00:01:50,720
stage in the green room,
36
00:01:50,754 --> 00:01:53,426
gobbling up the caprese panini.
37
00:01:53,459 --> 00:01:54,862
♪ ♪
38
00:01:54,963 --> 00:01:57,200
[announcer]
And now please welcome
39
00:01:57,300 --> 00:01:58,836
your host for this evening.
40
00:01:58,869 --> 00:02:00,507
He's charming, he's svelte,
41
00:02:00,607 --> 00:02:02,244
he's got beer on his belt,
42
00:02:02,344 --> 00:02:03,612
Duffman!
43
00:02:03,712 --> 00:02:07,621
Oh, yeah! This shamelessly
self-indulgent awards show
44
00:02:07,721 --> 00:02:10,760
is brought to you by Duff Lite.
45
00:02:10,860 --> 00:02:12,664
Some right-wing groups
have accused our beer
46
00:02:12,764 --> 00:02:14,635
of being "too woke."
47
00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:17,608
Let me say the only thing
our beer stands for
48
00:02:17,708 --> 00:02:19,845
is getting drunk, getting fat,
49
00:02:19,878 --> 00:02:23,052
and buying more
till you pass out.
50
00:02:23,086 --> 00:02:25,090
God bless America!
51
00:02:25,123 --> 00:02:26,359
Can I still say that?
52
00:02:26,492 --> 00:02:27,728
- Oh, yeah!
- [audience cheering]
53
00:02:27,828 --> 00:02:30,133
So, if you have a chance,
take your family
54
00:02:30,267 --> 00:02:33,173
to the fabulous new
Springfield Academy Museum.
55
00:02:33,273 --> 00:02:35,877
Closed Mondays, Tuesdays,
Wednesdays and Fridays.
56
00:02:36,012 --> 00:02:39,351
Admission is free, but parking
is extremely expensive.
57
00:02:39,452 --> 00:02:40,620
[audience booing]
58
00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:43,626
And now I'm afraid
we must apologize
59
00:02:43,759 --> 00:02:46,498
for an earlier
"In Memoriam" tribute
60
00:02:46,532 --> 00:02:48,603
to the person we said was dead
61
00:02:48,703 --> 00:02:50,607
but was actually alive...
62
00:02:50,740 --> 00:02:53,212
who now is actually dead.
63
00:02:53,346 --> 00:02:55,483
It is... our bad!
64
00:02:55,583 --> 00:02:58,089
[Moleman]
But I'm alive.
65
00:02:58,189 --> 00:02:59,758
Oh...
66
00:02:59,892 --> 00:03:02,498
And now, Springfield's
Nicest Person.
67
00:03:02,531 --> 00:03:04,534
Here's a surprise.
Not!
68
00:03:04,634 --> 00:03:07,041
The winner is Ned Flanders!
69
00:03:07,174 --> 00:03:09,913
- [audience grumbles]
- [band plays "Everyone Loves Ned Flanders"]
70
00:03:10,013 --> 00:03:12,183
I really don't deserve this.
I don't.
71
00:03:12,217 --> 00:03:14,454
I mean, what do I do
that any good man wouldn't?
72
00:03:14,488 --> 00:03:16,659
- I'm not worthy. I'm not worthy.
- [orchestral music plays]
73
00:03:16,692 --> 00:03:19,665
Thank you for playing me off.
Just what I deserve.
74
00:03:19,798 --> 00:03:21,135
[Duffman]
Oh, yeah!
75
00:03:21,269 --> 00:03:22,638
Oh, skunked again.
76
00:03:22,671 --> 00:03:26,245
I can't believe Maggie lost
for "Best Silent Baby."
77
00:03:29,084 --> 00:03:32,524
And now the award for Best
Sailboat Painting goes to...
78
00:03:32,558 --> 00:03:34,428
Sideshow Mel!
79
00:03:34,528 --> 00:03:35,897
[cheering, applause]
80
00:03:36,933 --> 00:03:39,672
They have
the same painting as us.
81
00:03:39,705 --> 00:03:41,542
But yours is askew.
82
00:03:41,642 --> 00:03:43,646
Askew, I say.
83
00:03:43,679 --> 00:03:45,883
Will this show never end?
84
00:03:45,984 --> 00:03:48,156
Enough!
85
00:03:48,289 --> 00:03:49,725
And finally, the award
86
00:03:49,825 --> 00:03:53,432
for our town's
Most Underappreciated Person...
87
00:03:53,566 --> 00:03:55,270
[exclaims quietly]
88
00:03:55,303 --> 00:03:56,539
...who is so modest
89
00:03:56,673 --> 00:03:58,042
they have no idea
90
00:03:58,076 --> 00:04:01,281
their name
is about to be called.
91
00:04:01,415 --> 00:04:02,551
The winner is...
92
00:04:02,651 --> 00:04:04,688
Marge Simpson!
93
00:04:04,821 --> 00:04:06,459
- Wha?! - Way to go, Mom.
- [cheering, applause]
94
00:04:06,559 --> 00:04:08,563
Yay, Mom!
95
00:04:08,696 --> 00:04:11,301
[audience chanting]
Marge! Marge! Marge!
96
00:04:11,435 --> 00:04:13,072
[cheering, whooping]
97
00:04:15,843 --> 00:04:17,982
Oh, just a dream.
98
00:04:18,083 --> 00:04:20,720
But I can still enjoy it
one minute more.
99
00:04:20,853 --> 00:04:22,423
Bart's kicking my ribs!
100
00:04:22,457 --> 00:04:23,860
Lisa's ribs are poking my foot.
101
00:04:23,893 --> 00:04:24,996
- [kids clamoring]
- Marge, I'm gonna sing
102
00:04:25,030 --> 00:04:26,398
in the shower and I need backup.
103
00:04:26,498 --> 00:04:29,137
- [all clamoring]
- All right, all right, I'm getting up.
104
00:04:30,173 --> 00:04:31,241
[sighs]
105
00:04:31,275 --> 00:04:33,847
I'll just say this.
Even when you visit me,
106
00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:36,385
it's worse than
when you don't visit me.
107
00:04:36,518 --> 00:04:40,226
I'm sorry to say your dog
is getting along in years.
108
00:04:40,259 --> 00:04:43,499
I'm afraid he's developed
Dogzheimer's.
109
00:04:43,599 --> 00:04:45,203
Dogzheimer's?
110
00:04:45,236 --> 00:04:46,639
Oh, I've heard of that.
111
00:04:46,739 --> 00:04:49,345
Not as bad
as Cowheimer's, but...
112
00:04:49,445 --> 00:04:51,081
What were talking about again?
113
00:04:51,181 --> 00:04:53,218
[barks]
114
00:04:54,722 --> 00:04:56,659
Oh, I totally agree.
115
00:04:56,759 --> 00:04:58,829
[barking]
116
00:05:01,501 --> 00:05:02,905
I can put either of them down.
117
00:05:03,005 --> 00:05:05,076
- What the...
- [yelps]
118
00:05:06,278 --> 00:05:08,883
Look, Ma! I broke
both my middle fingers.
119
00:05:08,984 --> 00:05:10,887
Ew, ew, ew!
That is so gross
120
00:05:10,988 --> 00:05:14,161
I can't even enjoy
that it's you. Ugh!
121
00:05:14,294 --> 00:05:17,768
Homie. I need help!
Where are you?
122
00:05:17,801 --> 00:05:19,271
[grumbles]
123
00:05:20,006 --> 00:05:21,008
Hmm.
124
00:05:22,143 --> 00:05:24,515
[all exclaiming]
125
00:05:24,548 --> 00:05:25,584
Nothin' gets through.
126
00:05:25,617 --> 00:05:27,788
Only thing I want
going in their brains is booze.
127
00:05:27,821 --> 00:05:29,658
[chuckles]
128
00:05:29,792 --> 00:05:31,996
[all exclaim]
129
00:05:32,564 --> 00:05:34,134
Mm...
130
00:05:34,268 --> 00:05:35,905
[groans]
131
00:05:35,938 --> 00:05:37,640
[groans] So, who won?
132
00:05:37,740 --> 00:05:40,012
Me, 'cause I wasn't playing.
133
00:05:44,354 --> 00:05:45,423
[phones ringing]
134
00:05:46,492 --> 00:05:49,064
Oh, my God. Marge has been
trying to reach me all day.
135
00:05:49,164 --> 00:05:51,268
Aah!
My father's in the hospital.
136
00:05:51,402 --> 00:05:52,972
As a patient!
137
00:05:53,773 --> 00:05:54,874
Mm...
138
00:05:55,009 --> 00:05:56,545
Mm?
139
00:05:56,679 --> 00:05:59,986
- Marge...
- Not a word.
140
00:06:02,190 --> 00:06:05,696
Can you fix these?
My ass hangs out.
141
00:06:05,730 --> 00:06:06,799
Give 'em to me.
142
00:06:06,832 --> 00:06:09,538
Where all problems end up.
143
00:06:09,571 --> 00:06:10,941
[grumbles]
144
00:06:11,041 --> 00:06:14,081
[TV Announcer] We now return
to Trash for Cash.
145
00:06:14,114 --> 00:06:18,155
This seemingly average weather
vane was originally made...
146
00:06:18,288 --> 00:06:19,457
in France.
147
00:06:19,491 --> 00:06:22,531
Makes sense.
I bought it in "Jivernay."
148
00:06:22,564 --> 00:06:24,468
Yes. I'd say the value is,
149
00:06:24,568 --> 00:06:27,975
at the very least, $5,000.
150
00:06:28,075 --> 00:06:31,715
We'll be able to cover the
whole back 40 in insecticide.
151
00:06:31,849 --> 00:06:35,123
[sighs]
When will I get my insecticide?
152
00:06:35,256 --> 00:06:37,561
My late husband
owned these pants.
153
00:06:37,594 --> 00:06:39,565
He was a rather large man.
154
00:06:39,598 --> 00:06:40,967
Don't much miss him.
155
00:06:41,768 --> 00:06:43,706
The key to the value
of these jeans
156
00:06:43,840 --> 00:06:45,978
is that both E's
157
00:06:46,012 --> 00:06:48,716
in "Leevi's" are capitalized.
158
00:06:48,749 --> 00:06:49,986
Ooh!
159
00:06:50,119 --> 00:06:52,223
Also very good for you,
160
00:06:52,257 --> 00:06:55,096
these pants have hidden rivets.
161
00:06:56,065 --> 00:06:56,832
Hm!
162
00:06:56,865 --> 00:06:59,604
Which were used before 1967
163
00:06:59,738 --> 00:07:03,446
when open rivets
were considered vulgar.
164
00:07:03,479 --> 00:07:04,481
[gasps]
165
00:07:04,581 --> 00:07:05,650
Does it matter that these
166
00:07:05,750 --> 00:07:07,253
were frequently worn?
167
00:07:07,287 --> 00:07:09,191
Including, sometimes, in bed?
168
00:07:09,291 --> 00:07:11,729
Ugh.
I never visit his grave.
169
00:07:11,762 --> 00:07:13,299
Actually, with jeans,
170
00:07:13,432 --> 00:07:17,573
a highly distressed seat
can increase the value.
171
00:07:18,375 --> 00:07:21,381
I'd say the minimum
possible value
172
00:07:21,481 --> 00:07:23,752
for these pants is...
173
00:07:23,886 --> 00:07:25,089
- Oh...
- Uh-huh? Uh-huh?
174
00:07:25,189 --> 00:07:28,128
$2,600.
175
00:07:29,097 --> 00:07:30,166
[gasps]
176
00:07:30,266 --> 00:07:33,239
Having a husband
finally paid off.
177
00:07:33,339 --> 00:07:35,509
♪ ♪
178
00:07:44,695 --> 00:07:46,699
Uh, Homer?
179
00:07:46,799 --> 00:07:48,235
I couldn't fix your pants.
180
00:07:48,336 --> 00:07:50,039
You'll have to wear
something else.
181
00:07:50,173 --> 00:07:51,308
Can I wear my Speedo to work?
182
00:07:51,408 --> 00:07:54,781
I'm afraid not,
but we'll be fine.
183
00:07:54,916 --> 00:07:57,787
- Mm.
- Aw. I make her happy.
184
00:07:57,821 --> 00:08:00,392
Oh, you got a loose hair.
Fixed it.
185
00:08:07,173 --> 00:08:09,544
♪ Make me money ♪
186
00:08:12,084 --> 00:08:16,058
♪ They're worth a lot,
they say ♪
187
00:08:16,091 --> 00:08:19,231
♪ And I shall wear sweatpants ♪
188
00:08:19,364 --> 00:08:22,237
♪ And I shall
stretch the waistband ♪
189
00:08:22,370 --> 00:08:26,311
♪ [whoops] And I shall
wear sweatpants ♪
190
00:08:26,345 --> 00:08:29,952
♪ Covering my gorgeous can
[whoops] ♪
191
00:08:30,052 --> 00:08:32,090
[vocalizing]
192
00:08:32,123 --> 00:08:34,194
Mornin', Jerry. [whoops]
193
00:08:34,227 --> 00:08:37,233
♪ And they shall be Leevi's ♪
194
00:08:37,333 --> 00:08:40,840
♪ And I shall wear sweatpants ♪
195
00:08:40,974 --> 00:08:44,114
♪ And they shall be Leevi's ♪
196
00:08:44,247 --> 00:08:47,320
♪ Sweatpants for the husky man ♪
197
00:08:47,420 --> 00:08:49,024
♪ Oh, oh ♪
198
00:08:49,124 --> 00:08:51,862
♪ They shall be ♪
199
00:08:51,963 --> 00:08:54,734
- ♪ Leevi's. ♪
- ♪ Sweatpants. ♪
200
00:08:58,576 --> 00:09:00,313
[snoring]
201
00:09:00,446 --> 00:09:02,450
Mm...
202
00:09:04,989 --> 00:09:06,591
[entry bell rings]
203
00:09:07,996 --> 00:09:10,834
- Yes, may I help you?
- Comic Book Guy?
204
00:09:10,867 --> 00:09:12,470
No. I am his cousin,
205
00:09:12,503 --> 00:09:14,474
Collectible Pants Dude
206
00:09:14,575 --> 00:09:16,411
or CPD, whatever.
207
00:09:16,512 --> 00:09:19,017
I see. Well, I, uh,
may be interested
208
00:09:19,151 --> 00:09:21,755
in selling this vintage item.
209
00:09:21,888 --> 00:09:23,492
Huh, I say.
210
00:09:23,625 --> 00:09:25,763
I will give you, eh...
211
00:09:25,797 --> 00:09:26,899
twenty dollars.
212
00:09:27,034 --> 00:09:28,869
Not so fast, bub.
213
00:09:28,970 --> 00:09:31,977
I happen to know
these are 501-XX
214
00:09:32,010 --> 00:09:35,383
big double-E jeans
with hidden rivets.
215
00:09:35,416 --> 00:09:37,620
Zoinks!
I see you know pants.
216
00:09:37,653 --> 00:09:39,757
In that case, my offer is...
217
00:09:39,891 --> 00:09:41,027
twenty-two dollars.
218
00:09:41,161 --> 00:09:44,601
I saw a pair on eBay for $3,000.
219
00:09:44,634 --> 00:09:46,672
Oh... [stammers] Uh...
220
00:09:46,705 --> 00:09:50,279
Fine! You have me, madam.
Because I must have them.
221
00:09:50,313 --> 00:09:53,051
I've never seen such
a perfectly distressed rear.
222
00:09:53,185 --> 00:09:55,690
I mean, these pants
have experienced thousands...
223
00:09:55,723 --> 00:09:59,063
I say thousands...
of pounds of butt pressure.
224
00:09:59,163 --> 00:10:01,068
Yes, he's got a big keister.
225
00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:03,172
Are we gonna deal or what?
226
00:10:03,306 --> 00:10:06,144
Sorry. Collectible clothes
are my one addiction.
227
00:10:06,177 --> 00:10:09,384
Also cannabis gummies
and the films of Kenneth Anger.
228
00:10:09,484 --> 00:10:10,520
But I digress.
229
00:10:10,553 --> 00:10:14,294
My offer is $2,595.
230
00:10:14,394 --> 00:10:15,430
Okay?
231
00:10:16,065 --> 00:10:17,734
- Hm...
- I see you hesitate.
232
00:10:17,867 --> 00:10:21,675
Well, let me zip up this deal
and button its fly, okay?
233
00:10:23,412 --> 00:10:25,449
♪ ♪
234
00:10:26,485 --> 00:10:29,791
Um, let me think
just a little bit more.
235
00:10:31,061 --> 00:10:33,432
You've already put the money
in your bag.
236
00:10:33,533 --> 00:10:36,505
Oh. So I have. Mm.
237
00:10:36,538 --> 00:10:38,141
Deal.
238
00:10:39,244 --> 00:10:39,946
Mm!
239
00:10:40,079 --> 00:10:41,248
Oh, my God.
240
00:10:41,348 --> 00:10:43,085
There are so many things
I could do
241
00:10:43,119 --> 00:10:45,390
for my family's future
with this money.
242
00:10:45,490 --> 00:10:48,964
Mom, the money you gave me
paid for a week of college.
243
00:10:48,997 --> 00:10:50,099
Next.
244
00:10:50,133 --> 00:10:53,105
You used the money
for a neck tattoo?
245
00:10:53,206 --> 00:10:54,942
Not just the neck.
246
00:10:54,976 --> 00:10:57,346
[grumbles] Next.
247
00:10:59,986 --> 00:11:01,354
[grumbles]
248
00:11:02,992 --> 00:11:05,262
Oppenheimer. Oppenheimer!
249
00:11:05,396 --> 00:11:07,934
I am so sick of hearing
about that jerk.
250
00:11:07,968 --> 00:11:11,208
"Wah, I built a bomb then
I was sad when they dropped it."
251
00:11:11,241 --> 00:11:14,214
Boo-hoo. Aren't you sick
of Oppenheimer, Smithers?
252
00:11:14,247 --> 00:11:17,253
Actually, sir, I preferred
another movie last summer.
253
00:11:17,387 --> 00:11:19,525
Another movie?
Besides Oppenheimer?
254
00:11:19,558 --> 00:11:21,461
- That's right.
- There was a second movie
255
00:11:21,595 --> 00:11:22,530
people were seeing?
256
00:11:22,664 --> 00:11:24,368
Yes, there was.
A global phenomenon.
257
00:11:24,401 --> 00:11:26,438
Really?
Global, you say?
258
00:11:26,538 --> 00:11:28,876
And it finally
gave me the courage
259
00:11:29,010 --> 00:11:30,847
to do this.
260
00:11:31,648 --> 00:11:34,021
Mm, well, you seem to be
bleeding from the head.
261
00:11:34,121 --> 00:11:36,692
- It's dye.
- Die on your own time.
262
00:11:36,725 --> 00:11:39,497
Now, regarding Oppenheimer,
follow me.
263
00:11:43,272 --> 00:11:46,244
Have you fellows heard
of "Tickling the Dragon's Tail"?
264
00:11:46,278 --> 00:11:48,248
Sounds like a DreamWorks film.
265
00:11:48,282 --> 00:11:49,284
Well, it's not.
266
00:11:49,418 --> 00:11:51,155
We carefully add small amounts
267
00:11:51,288 --> 00:11:52,891
of fissionable uranium,
268
00:11:52,992 --> 00:11:55,396
stopping
just before critical mass.
269
00:11:55,429 --> 00:11:58,535
We can create the most
profitable atomic pile of all.
270
00:11:58,569 --> 00:12:01,408
Oppenheimer tried it
at Los Alamos but he failed.
271
00:12:01,508 --> 00:12:02,443
Idiot!
272
00:12:02,477 --> 00:12:04,648
That showboat
slides his boney self
273
00:12:04,681 --> 00:12:05,951
into every picture.
274
00:12:06,051 --> 00:12:08,022
Should have called him
Photo-Oppenheimer.
275
00:12:08,055 --> 00:12:09,891
My biopic will be longer,
276
00:12:09,926 --> 00:12:11,328
its star skinnier,
277
00:12:11,462 --> 00:12:14,033
and global annihilation
will not be hinted at,
278
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:16,138
but rather
the heartwarming climax.
279
00:12:16,171 --> 00:12:18,775
- Excellent.
- [Geiger counter clicking]
280
00:12:21,182 --> 00:12:23,051
Of, uh, course, sir,
281
00:12:23,085 --> 00:12:24,721
if you exceed the critical mass,
282
00:12:24,821 --> 00:12:27,093
it, uh, would lead to an
uncontrolled nuclear explo...
283
00:12:27,193 --> 00:12:28,395
[both gasp]
284
00:12:30,968 --> 00:12:32,637
The plant's gonna blow!
285
00:12:32,670 --> 00:12:33,806
Alarmist.
286
00:12:33,839 --> 00:12:35,076
♪ ♪
287
00:12:35,109 --> 00:12:37,847
[man]
My suit's... too bulky!
288
00:12:39,084 --> 00:12:41,956
[vocalizing quietly]
289
00:12:42,089 --> 00:12:43,492
Did you see that, Smithers?
290
00:12:43,526 --> 00:12:46,364
That sweat-panted Superman
rescued us all.
291
00:12:46,398 --> 00:12:48,735
Well, I just
put my sweatpants on
292
00:12:48,769 --> 00:12:51,775
one leg at a time
like any fat guy.
293
00:12:51,808 --> 00:12:53,913
Well, you saved my life.
294
00:12:53,947 --> 00:12:55,516
So I'm giving you two tickets,
295
00:12:55,616 --> 00:12:58,188
front row seats,
to a baseball game.
296
00:12:58,222 --> 00:12:59,958
Debt paid.
Never talk to me again.
297
00:13:01,695 --> 00:13:02,463
Hmm.
298
00:13:02,497 --> 00:13:04,834
I thought I'd enjoy this money,
299
00:13:04,935 --> 00:13:07,640
but I'm not happy.
[groans]
300
00:13:07,773 --> 00:13:09,744
[Barney]
I sure don't envy you, lady.
301
00:13:09,777 --> 00:13:12,516
When life gives you lemons,
make lemonade.
302
00:13:12,650 --> 00:13:15,156
Add vodka,
and meet me down here.
303
00:13:15,256 --> 00:13:17,460
- Oh.
- Mm...
304
00:13:19,664 --> 00:13:20,934
Reverend, what does
our faith say
305
00:13:21,067 --> 00:13:24,574
about spending money
on something just for yourself?
306
00:13:25,643 --> 00:13:28,381
Well, I sure don't know.
but for 20 bucks
307
00:13:28,515 --> 00:13:31,121
I'll wipe the communion cup
before you drink from it.
308
00:13:31,221 --> 00:13:32,456
Eh?
309
00:13:33,559 --> 00:13:34,995
[grumbles]
310
00:13:35,964 --> 00:13:38,168
Oh...
311
00:13:38,269 --> 00:13:40,540
Homer, after a lot
of soul searching,
312
00:13:40,673 --> 00:13:42,777
there's something
I've got to tell you.
313
00:13:42,810 --> 00:13:45,283
- [crowd cheering]
- [organ playing]
314
00:13:45,416 --> 00:13:47,887
Are you at a baseball game?
315
00:13:48,022 --> 00:13:49,191
I am. It's so great.
316
00:13:49,257 --> 00:13:51,829
We got to meet the players,
play "Chopsticks" on the organ,
317
00:13:51,930 --> 00:13:55,536
and they hit a foul ball to you
on purpose.
318
00:13:55,570 --> 00:13:57,473
[organ playing "Chopsticks"]
319
00:14:00,747 --> 00:14:02,016
Are you there alone?
320
00:14:02,149 --> 00:14:03,920
Well, I asked Lenny,
but he was busy.
321
00:14:04,021 --> 00:14:05,422
Carl was out sick.
322
00:14:05,456 --> 00:14:07,060
Smitty was taking or teaching
323
00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:09,130
a Pilates class, I forget which.
324
00:14:09,163 --> 00:14:11,201
So I finally asked
that new guy from Ghana.
325
00:14:11,301 --> 00:14:13,940
I have so many questions
about your baseball.
326
00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:15,576
First, why?
327
00:14:15,676 --> 00:14:18,048
Homer, how come you
didn't ask me?
328
00:14:18,148 --> 00:14:20,586
Uh, well,
you don't like baseball.
329
00:14:20,686 --> 00:14:22,790
Maybe, but more importantly,
330
00:14:22,925 --> 00:14:24,561
I like being asked.
331
00:14:24,594 --> 00:14:26,966
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
uh, can I get you a jersey?
332
00:14:27,066 --> 00:14:28,468
Uh, what's your size again?
333
00:14:28,568 --> 00:14:30,706
Medium!
It's always been medium.
334
00:14:30,740 --> 00:14:33,445
Um, that's something
I should have known, right?
335
00:14:33,479 --> 00:14:36,718
Buster, you should know whether
or not you should've known it.
336
00:14:36,818 --> 00:14:39,324
But thanks
for clearing things up for me.
337
00:14:39,357 --> 00:14:41,327
You're welcome.
Do I get another kiss?
338
00:14:41,461 --> 00:14:43,432
Oh, you'll get a kiss,
all right.
339
00:14:43,465 --> 00:14:44,968
You're gonna get a big kiss.
340
00:14:45,068 --> 00:14:47,206
You just wait for that kiss.
341
00:14:47,339 --> 00:14:49,210
If you come here,
we can get it on the kiss cam.
342
00:14:49,310 --> 00:14:50,212
- [hangs up]
- [dial tone]
343
00:14:50,346 --> 00:14:52,082
Dial tone? Hello?
344
00:14:52,216 --> 00:14:53,953
Marge? Marge?
345
00:14:54,087 --> 00:14:56,058
Hello? Dial tone?
346
00:14:56,091 --> 00:14:57,660
Now I have to kiss him?
347
00:14:57,760 --> 00:15:00,833
Well, if it's
all part of baseball. Mwah.
348
00:15:00,866 --> 00:15:03,071
[grumbles]
349
00:15:05,075 --> 00:15:08,348
I want the biggest ring
I can buy!
350
00:15:08,482 --> 00:15:10,352
Ooh!
That's a coincidence.
351
00:15:10,452 --> 00:15:13,692
I want you to have
the biggest ring I can sell.
352
00:15:13,792 --> 00:15:14,962
Yes!
353
00:15:21,608 --> 00:15:23,646
Should cost
three months' salary.
354
00:15:23,679 --> 00:15:26,118
If I don't have a salary,
is it free?
355
00:15:26,151 --> 00:15:27,120
No.
356
00:15:27,220 --> 00:15:28,388
Nice try.
357
00:15:28,522 --> 00:15:31,428
Now, if for some reason
I want to return this?
358
00:15:31,528 --> 00:15:32,597
Ooh, no problem.
359
00:15:32,630 --> 00:15:35,502
You have a full three seconds
to change your mind.
360
00:15:35,536 --> 00:15:37,840
Starting now.
361
00:15:40,847 --> 00:15:42,717
Time's up.
362
00:15:42,750 --> 00:15:44,989
Oh...
363
00:15:45,123 --> 00:15:46,658
[Marge]
Oh, my God.
364
00:15:46,692 --> 00:15:48,662
I didn't know I'd feel
so guilty walking around
365
00:15:48,795 --> 00:15:50,866
wearing something so expensive.
366
00:15:51,668 --> 00:15:53,104
Calm down, Marge, calm down.
367
00:15:53,138 --> 00:15:54,507
Nobody cares.
368
00:15:54,541 --> 00:15:56,311
Marge, I was
a couple blocks away
369
00:15:56,411 --> 00:15:57,847
and I couldn't help
noticing you wearing
370
00:15:57,948 --> 00:16:00,719
something your husband
couldn't possibly afford.
371
00:16:00,752 --> 00:16:01,654
Tattletale!
372
00:16:01,688 --> 00:16:03,258
[scoffs]
Casual Christian.
373
00:16:03,291 --> 00:16:05,129
Remember, sale's final.
374
00:16:05,162 --> 00:16:06,764
[grumbles]
375
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:09,404
Okay, okay.
Can't return it.
376
00:16:09,504 --> 00:16:11,274
Might as well enjoy it.
377
00:16:11,374 --> 00:16:13,245
♪ ♪
378
00:16:13,279 --> 00:16:14,680
[gasps]
A guilt rash!
379
00:16:14,814 --> 00:16:16,920
The last time I got
one of these was when I took
380
00:16:16,953 --> 00:16:19,458
that bottle of shampoo
from the hotel.
381
00:16:19,558 --> 00:16:22,463
It wasn't opened.
They could have reused it.
382
00:16:24,700 --> 00:16:27,606
[sighs]
I'll just leave it there.
383
00:16:28,408 --> 00:16:31,481
No, no, no.
Someone will find it.
384
00:16:48,415 --> 00:16:50,119
Mm...
385
00:16:50,219 --> 00:16:52,958
So this is what
having a secret feels like.
386
00:16:53,058 --> 00:16:54,694
It's terrible.
387
00:16:54,727 --> 00:16:56,598
Why does everybody do it?
388
00:16:56,632 --> 00:16:58,635
Maybe I could hide it in here.
389
00:16:58,735 --> 00:17:02,109
D'oh! How many places
does Homer hide cookies?
390
00:17:02,209 --> 00:17:04,180
D'oh!
391
00:17:05,816 --> 00:17:07,686
Whoa!
392
00:17:07,786 --> 00:17:09,557
Oh...
393
00:17:13,231 --> 00:17:15,502
Ah, no one can find it now.
394
00:17:15,602 --> 00:17:17,339
[Lisa]
Who are you talking to, Mom?
395
00:17:17,473 --> 00:17:19,344
Aah!
What are you doing here?
396
00:17:19,377 --> 00:17:21,881
Oh, I like to look
at my old report cards.
397
00:17:21,982 --> 00:17:24,320
One teacher...
if you could believe it...
398
00:17:24,353 --> 00:17:26,524
gave me an A-plus-plus.
399
00:17:26,624 --> 00:17:28,629
They're not allowed
to do that anymore.
400
00:17:28,762 --> 00:17:30,732
It makes
the other kids feel bad.
401
00:17:30,766 --> 00:17:33,505
And that's why
we're losing to China.
402
00:17:33,639 --> 00:17:35,342
- Yo.
- Aah!
403
00:17:35,376 --> 00:17:36,812
What are you doing in the attic?
404
00:17:36,913 --> 00:17:38,749
Well, one thing
I'm definitely not doing
405
00:17:38,782 --> 00:17:40,519
is hiding from the cops.
406
00:17:40,619 --> 00:17:41,521
Eh, we'll never find him.
407
00:17:41,655 --> 00:17:43,692
Let's go, boys.
408
00:17:44,494 --> 00:17:46,131
No respect for the law.
409
00:17:46,231 --> 00:17:47,733
Let's get some donuts.
410
00:17:51,374 --> 00:17:54,080
Get to bed, now!
411
00:17:55,215 --> 00:17:57,686
- [sucking sound]
- Now what?
412
00:18:00,092 --> 00:18:01,361
You're not judging me.
413
00:18:01,394 --> 00:18:03,031
With you, I can enjoy it.
414
00:18:03,132 --> 00:18:05,403
Don't swallow it.
415
00:18:05,503 --> 00:18:07,806
- [sighs]
- What's the matter, Homer?
416
00:18:07,907 --> 00:18:10,345
I'm starting to think
I don't appreciate Marge enough.
417
00:18:10,445 --> 00:18:13,685
She does everything for me
and I just take her for granted.
418
00:18:13,785 --> 00:18:15,990
Let me tell you something,
Homer, you are so lucky
419
00:18:16,090 --> 00:18:18,562
that she doesn't leave you
for the next tall, dark
420
00:18:18,595 --> 00:18:20,566
and handsome guy
that comes along.
421
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:23,539
Oh, Moe, I love...
422
00:18:23,572 --> 00:18:26,311
the way you introduced me
to this guy.
423
00:18:26,411 --> 00:18:27,646
Woo-hoo!
424
00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:30,018
Homer, I think
your problem is...
425
00:18:33,558 --> 00:18:35,629
[tune of "You're a Mean One,
Mr. Grinch" playing]
426
00:18:36,464 --> 00:18:38,302
♪ She's a mad wife ♪
427
00:18:38,435 --> 00:18:40,439
♪ Homer J ♪
428
00:18:40,472 --> 00:18:43,278
♪ With tears
behind her smile... ♪
429
00:18:43,312 --> 00:18:44,580
Uh, happy tears?
430
00:18:44,714 --> 00:18:46,217
♪ You treat her
like she's nothing ♪
431
00:18:46,251 --> 00:18:49,190
♪ Unless your gut
needs stuffing... ♪
432
00:18:49,223 --> 00:18:50,726
- What the...
- [yelps]
433
00:18:50,826 --> 00:18:53,198
♪ As a husband,
I would rate you ♪
434
00:18:53,298 --> 00:18:55,970
♪ Beneath Henry VIII you ♪
435
00:18:56,003 --> 00:19:00,178
♪ Really are a selfish guy... ♪
436
00:19:06,691 --> 00:19:08,595
♪ You really are,
all things considered ♪
437
00:19:08,695 --> 00:19:11,334
♪ A nearly spherical,
full of beer-icle ♪
438
00:19:11,434 --> 00:19:15,675
♪ Incredibly selfish guy. ♪
439
00:19:18,214 --> 00:19:19,617
Haw-haw!
440
00:19:19,717 --> 00:19:22,490
Before you,
I rode through dog poop!
441
00:19:22,623 --> 00:19:23,892
[sighs]
442
00:19:23,926 --> 00:19:26,697
I'll just have to
live with my selfishness.
443
00:19:26,831 --> 00:19:28,802
Oh.
444
00:19:33,378 --> 00:19:34,613
What is this?
445
00:19:34,647 --> 00:19:36,617
A fancy ring?!
446
00:19:36,751 --> 00:19:38,889
That Marge bought for herself?!
447
00:19:38,923 --> 00:19:41,495
She's been holding back on us
this whole time.
448
00:19:41,595 --> 00:19:44,733
Oh, my God, the things she does.
449
00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:49,877
The things she does.
450
00:19:54,287 --> 00:19:56,624
The things she does.
451
00:19:57,860 --> 00:19:58,661
Aw.
452
00:19:58,795 --> 00:20:01,167
The things she does.
453
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:04,640
All the wonderful
things she does.
454
00:20:04,740 --> 00:20:07,780
Putting those sweet notes
in my lunch every day.
455
00:20:07,915 --> 00:20:09,684
Getting everyone
a birthday present
456
00:20:09,784 --> 00:20:12,256
and saying
they're from both of us.
457
00:20:12,357 --> 00:20:13,659
Even in her sleep,
458
00:20:13,759 --> 00:20:15,328
she's perfect.
459
00:20:15,428 --> 00:20:18,201
With all the wonderful,
beautiful things Marge does,
460
00:20:18,301 --> 00:20:22,276
there's only one thing
I can do with this ring.
461
00:20:23,778 --> 00:20:26,284
Homie, you're back.
You...
462
00:20:26,418 --> 00:20:28,188
You put this on me?
463
00:20:28,221 --> 00:20:31,227
Baby, I just wish
I'd bought it for you.
464
00:20:31,327 --> 00:20:33,832
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
465
00:20:33,933 --> 00:20:37,006
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
466
00:20:37,106 --> 00:20:39,811
and TOYOTA.
467
00:20:39,912 --> 00:20:42,149
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
468
00:20:47,893 --> 00:20:49,096
[Brockman] Breaking news.
469
00:20:49,196 --> 00:20:50,298
Amnesty International
has identified
470
00:20:50,432 --> 00:20:54,407
the Spiffany Blue diamond as
the most unethically mined gem
471
00:20:54,441 --> 00:20:55,675
in human history.
472
00:20:55,709 --> 00:20:58,115
It takes six blue whales
to color each carat.
473
00:20:58,148 --> 00:21:00,452
Wearing this
is a sparkly expression
474
00:21:00,585 --> 00:21:02,857
that you love misery.
475
00:21:02,991 --> 00:21:06,731
Well, I'll just wear the ring
inside for a little.
476
00:21:06,765 --> 00:21:09,704
[singer]
♪ Homer's Leevi's size ♪
477
00:21:09,804 --> 00:21:12,209
♪ Is Husky ♪
478
00:21:14,747 --> 00:21:17,719
♪ But he's still too fat,
they say ♪
479
00:21:17,753 --> 00:21:18,722
[Homer] Hey!
480
00:21:18,822 --> 00:21:19,724
[singer] ♪ That's because ♪
481
00:21:19,757 --> 00:21:21,996
♪ He's a fat man ♪
482
00:21:22,096 --> 00:21:25,402
[Homer] ♪ They're making pants
too small these days ♪
483
00:21:25,435 --> 00:21:29,476
- ♪ New pants are too small. ♪
- [singer] ♪ You are a fat man. ♪
484
00:21:29,510 --> 00:21:30,245
[both whoop]
485
00:21:30,345 --> 00:21:31,113
Shh!
33339
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese