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1
00:00:02,818 --> 00:00:04,628
? ?
2
00:00:15,499 --> 00:00:19,501
[grunts] Come on, come on,
stupid neck.
3
00:00:19,578 --> 00:00:22,746
[grunts] After all the food
I put down you.
4
00:00:22,748 --> 00:00:24,231
[inhales deeply]
5
00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:28,676
[choking]
6
00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:29,862
Mmm. Button.
7
00:00:29,938 --> 00:00:30,863
[gags]
8
00:00:30,939 --> 00:00:34,033
Homie! What's going on?
9
00:00:34,109 --> 00:00:36,426
[choking]
10
00:00:36,428 --> 00:00:37,536
Knee?
11
00:00:37,763 --> 00:00:38,686
HAIM?
12
00:00:38,855 --> 00:00:39,780
Lick?
13
00:00:39,948 --> 00:00:42,249
[gasps] "Need Heimlich!"
14
00:00:46,863 --> 00:00:47,621
Well played, Marge.
15
00:00:47,790 --> 00:00:49,048
For God's sakes,
16
00:00:49,241 --> 00:00:52,109
why don't you just buy a shirt
with a bigger neck?
17
00:00:52,278 --> 00:00:54,887
Neck shaming, Marge.
Neck shaming.
18
00:00:54,963 --> 00:00:56,371
That's not a thing.
19
00:00:56,465 --> 00:00:58,465
Who made you
president of things?
20
00:00:58,542 --> 00:01:00,425
Quit your bickering.
We'll be late.
21
00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:04,288
Dad, we were saving that suit
for you to be buried in.
22
00:01:04,290 --> 00:01:06,231
This isn't my funeral?
23
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:07,524
Oh.
24
00:01:09,628 --> 00:01:11,528
? ?
25
00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:16,992
Mm...
26
00:01:19,138 --> 00:01:20,662
Hey, hey!
27
00:01:24,919 --> 00:01:27,978
It's the 35th Annual
Springie Awards,
28
00:01:28,071 --> 00:01:29,980
honoring our town's finest.
29
00:01:30,149 --> 00:01:33,074
And here's Ms. Hoover.
Who are you wearing?
30
00:01:33,243 --> 00:01:36,336
Same thing I always wear.
I can only afford one dress.
31
00:01:36,413 --> 00:01:40,582
Ah, teachers. We can never
repay you for all you do.
32
00:01:40,659 --> 00:01:42,175
So, we won't. [chuckles]
33
00:01:42,252 --> 00:01:44,995
Rainier Wolfcastle.
What are you up for?
34
00:01:45,088 --> 00:01:46,680
I am a presenter.
35
00:01:46,756 --> 00:01:48,923
I'll be back...
36
00:01:49,001 --> 00:01:50,216
stage in the green room,
37
00:01:50,294 --> 00:01:52,927
gobbling up the caprese panini.
38
00:01:53,005 --> 00:01:54,279
? ?
39
00:01:54,506 --> 00:01:56,615
[announcer]
And now please welcome
40
00:01:56,842 --> 00:01:58,283
your host for this evening.
41
00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:00,010
He's charming, he's svelte,
42
00:02:00,103 --> 00:02:01,695
he's got beer on his belt,
43
00:02:01,789 --> 00:02:03,180
Duffman!
44
00:02:03,273 --> 00:02:07,108
Oh, yeah! This shamelessly
self-indulgent awards show
45
00:02:07,202 --> 00:02:10,203
is brought to you by Duff Lite.
46
00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:12,113
Some right-wing groups
have accused our beer
47
00:02:12,207 --> 00:02:14,115
of being "too woke."
48
00:02:14,193 --> 00:02:17,043
Let me say the only thing
our beer stands for
49
00:02:17,138 --> 00:02:19,396
is getting drunk, getting fat,
50
00:02:19,398 --> 00:02:22,474
and buying more
till you pass out.
51
00:02:22,551 --> 00:02:24,551
God bless America!
52
00:02:24,628 --> 00:02:25,793
Can I still say that?
53
00:02:25,962 --> 00:02:27,204
-Oh, yeah!
-[audience cheering]
54
00:02:27,297 --> 00:02:29,556
So, if you have a chance,
take your family
55
00:02:29,725 --> 00:02:32,726
to the fabulous new
Springfield Academy Museum.
56
00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:35,303
Closed Mondays, Tuesdays,
Wednesdays and Fridays.
57
00:02:35,472 --> 00:02:38,806
Admission is free, but parking
is extremely expensive.
58
00:02:38,901 --> 00:02:40,141
[audience booing]
59
00:02:40,235 --> 00:02:42,995
And now I'm afraid
we must apologize
60
00:02:43,164 --> 00:02:45,906
for an earlier
"In Memoriam" tribute
61
00:02:45,982 --> 00:02:48,000
to the person we said was dead
62
00:02:48,227 --> 00:02:50,060
but was actually alive...
63
00:02:50,229 --> 00:02:52,654
who now is actually dead.
64
00:02:52,822 --> 00:02:54,840
It is... our bad!
65
00:02:55,067 --> 00:02:57,567
[Moleman]
But I'm alive.
66
00:02:57,661 --> 00:02:59,160
Oh...
67
00:02:59,329 --> 00:03:01,922
And now, Springfield's
Nicest Person.
68
00:03:01,998 --> 00:03:03,924
Here's a surprise.
Not!
69
00:03:04,018 --> 00:03:06,426
The winner is Ned Flanders!
70
00:03:06,595 --> 00:03:09,337
-[audience grumbles]
-[band plays
"Everyone Loves Ned Flanders"]
71
00:03:09,431 --> 00:03:11,523
I really don't deserve this.
I don't.
72
00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:13,859
I mean, what do I do
that any good man wouldn't?
73
00:03:13,936 --> 00:03:16,086
-I'm not worthy. I'm not worthy.
-[orchestral music plays]
74
00:03:16,088 --> 00:03:19,089
Thank you for playing me off.
Just what I deserve.
75
00:03:19,258 --> 00:03:20,515
[Duffman]
Oh, yeah!
76
00:03:20,684 --> 00:03:22,092
Oh, skunked again.
77
00:03:22,094 --> 00:03:25,621
I can't believe Maggie lost
for "Best Silent Baby."
78
00:03:28,525 --> 00:03:31,877
And now the award for Best
Sailboat Painting goes to...
79
00:03:31,954 --> 00:03:33,787
Sideshow Mel!
80
00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:35,255
[cheering, applause]
81
00:03:36,366 --> 00:03:39,109
They have
the same painting as us.
82
00:03:39,111 --> 00:03:40,944
But yours is askew.
83
00:03:41,037 --> 00:03:43,037
Askew, I say.
84
00:03:43,115 --> 00:03:45,282
Will this show never end?
85
00:03:45,375 --> 00:03:47,467
Enough!
86
00:03:47,636 --> 00:03:49,119
And finally, the award
87
00:03:49,212 --> 00:03:52,731
for our town's
Most Underappreciated Person...
88
00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:54,641
[exclaims quietly]
89
00:03:54,718 --> 00:03:55,959
...who is so modest
90
00:03:56,128 --> 00:03:57,461
they have no idea
91
00:03:57,463 --> 00:04:00,572
their name
is about to be called.
92
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:01,982
The winner is...
93
00:04:02,076 --> 00:04:04,058
Marge Simpson!
94
00:04:04,227 --> 00:04:05,819
-Wha?!
-Way to go, Mom.
-[cheering, applause]
95
00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:07,895
Yay, Mom!
96
00:04:08,064 --> 00:04:10,582
[audience chanting]
Marge! Marge! Marge!
97
00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:12,376
[cheering, whooping]
98
00:04:15,163 --> 00:04:17,256
Oh, just a dream.
99
00:04:17,483 --> 00:04:20,000
But I can still enjoy it
one minute more.
100
00:04:20,168 --> 00:04:21,818
Bart's kicking my ribs!
101
00:04:21,820 --> 00:04:23,244
Lisa's ribs are poking my foot.
102
00:04:23,322 --> 00:04:24,321
-[kids clamoring]
-Marge, I'm gonna sing
103
00:04:24,323 --> 00:04:25,672
in the shower and I need backup.
104
00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:28,433
-[all clamoring]
-All right, all right,
I'm getting up.
105
00:04:29,495 --> 00:04:30,660
[sighs]
106
00:04:30,662 --> 00:04:33,179
I'll just say this.
Even when you visit me,
107
00:04:33,256 --> 00:04:35,682
it's worse than
when you don't visit me.
108
00:04:35,851 --> 00:04:39,669
I'm sorry to say your dog
is getting along in years.
109
00:04:39,671 --> 00:04:42,856
I'm afraid he's developed
Dogzheimer's.
110
00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:44,449
Dogzheimer's?
111
00:04:44,526 --> 00:04:45,933
Oh, I've heard of that.
112
00:04:46,028 --> 00:04:48,678
Not as bad
as Cowheimer's, but...
113
00:04:48,772 --> 00:04:50,363
What were talking about again?
114
00:04:50,457 --> 00:04:52,499
[barks]
115
00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:55,943
Oh, I totally agree.
116
00:04:56,038 --> 00:04:58,088
[barking]
117
00:05:00,859 --> 00:05:02,134
I can put either of them down.
118
00:05:02,361 --> 00:05:04,344
-What the...
-[yelps]
119
00:05:05,622 --> 00:05:08,140
Look, Ma! I broke
both my middle fingers.
120
00:05:08,367 --> 00:05:10,233
Ew, ew, ew!
That is so gross
121
00:05:10,293 --> 00:05:13,461
I can't even enjoy
that it's you. Ugh!
122
00:05:13,630 --> 00:05:17,057
Homie. I need help!
Where are you?
123
00:05:17,133 --> 00:05:18,525
[grumbles]
124
00:05:19,302 --> 00:05:20,235
Hmm.
125
00:05:21,396 --> 00:05:23,880
[all exclaiming]
126
00:05:23,882 --> 00:05:25,215
Nothin' gets through.
127
00:05:25,217 --> 00:05:26,992
Only thing I want
going in their brains is booze.
128
00:05:27,069 --> 00:05:28,827
[chuckles]
129
00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:31,204
[all exclaim]
130
00:05:31,856 --> 00:05:33,332
Mm...
131
00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:35,225
[groans]
132
00:05:35,227 --> 00:05:36,835
[groans] So, who won?
133
00:05:37,062 --> 00:05:39,254
Me, 'cause I wasn't playing.
134
00:05:43,660 --> 00:05:44,417
[phones ringing]
135
00:05:45,754 --> 00:05:48,438
Oh, my God. Marge has been
trying to reach me all day.
136
00:05:48,498 --> 00:05:50,498
Aah!
My father's in the hospital.
137
00:05:50,667 --> 00:05:52,184
As a patient!
138
00:05:53,078 --> 00:05:54,094
Mm...
139
00:05:54,262 --> 00:05:55,762
Mm?
140
00:05:55,931 --> 00:05:59,191
-Marge...
-Not a word.
141
00:06:01,436 --> 00:06:05,012
Can you fix these?
My ass hangs out.
142
00:06:05,090 --> 00:06:06,089
Give 'em to me.
143
00:06:06,091 --> 00:06:08,775
Where all problems end up.
144
00:06:08,852 --> 00:06:10,184
[grumbles]
145
00:06:10,278 --> 00:06:13,372
[TV Announcer] We now return to Trash for Cash.
146
00:06:13,448 --> 00:06:17,358
This seemingly average weather vane was originally made...
147
00:06:17,527 --> 00:06:18,693
in France.
148
00:06:18,770 --> 00:06:21,713
Makes sense. I bought it in "Jivernay."
149
00:06:21,790 --> 00:06:23,698
Yes. I'd say the value is,
150
00:06:23,792 --> 00:06:27,201
at the very least, $5,000.
151
00:06:27,295 --> 00:06:30,947
We'll be able to cover the
whole back 40 in insecticide.
152
00:06:31,116 --> 00:06:34,226
[sighs]
When will I get my insecticide?
153
00:06:34,395 --> 00:06:36,786
My late husband
owned these pants.
154
00:06:36,788 --> 00:06:38,788
He was a rather large man.
155
00:06:38,790 --> 00:06:39,898
Don't much miss him.
156
00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:42,959
The key to the value
of these jeans
157
00:06:43,128 --> 00:06:45,219
is that both E's
158
00:06:45,297 --> 00:06:47,964
in "Leevi's" are capitalized.
159
00:06:47,966 --> 00:06:49,149
Ooh!
160
00:06:49,317 --> 00:06:51,468
Also very good for you,
161
00:06:51,470 --> 00:06:54,246
these pants have hidden rivets.
162
00:06:55,231 --> 00:06:55,989
Hm!
163
00:06:56,065 --> 00:06:58,808
Which were used before 1967
164
00:06:58,977 --> 00:07:02,587
when open rivets
were considered vulgar.
165
00:07:02,664 --> 00:07:03,588
[gasps]
166
00:07:03,815 --> 00:07:04,756
Does it matter that these
167
00:07:04,983 --> 00:07:06,499
were frequently worn?
168
00:07:06,576 --> 00:07:08,334
Including, sometimes, in bed?
169
00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:10,912
Ugh.
I never visit his grave.
170
00:07:10,989 --> 00:07:12,489
Actually, with jeans,
171
00:07:12,658 --> 00:07:16,518
a highly distressed seat
can increase the value.
172
00:07:17,587 --> 00:07:20,513
I'd say the minimum
possible value
173
00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:22,999
for these pants is...
174
00:07:23,168 --> 00:07:24,258
-Oh...
-Uh-huh? Uh-huh?
175
00:07:24,352 --> 00:07:27,237
$2,600.
176
00:07:28,264 --> 00:07:29,339
[gasps]
177
00:07:29,432 --> 00:07:32,358
Having a husband
finally paid off.
178
00:07:32,453 --> 00:07:34,578
? ?
179
00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:45,855
Uh, Homer?
180
00:07:45,949 --> 00:07:47,448
I couldn't fix your pants.
181
00:07:47,542 --> 00:07:49,192
You'll have to wear
something else.
182
00:07:49,361 --> 00:07:50,451
Can I wear my Speedo to work?
183
00:07:50,545 --> 00:07:53,880
I'm afraid not,
but we'll be fine.
184
00:07:54,049 --> 00:07:56,883
-Mm.
-Aw. I make her happy.
185
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:59,478
Oh, you got a loose hair.
Fixed it.
186
00:08:04,208 --> 00:08:06,209
[to the tune
of Elton John's "Levon"]
? Leevi's, Leevi's ?
187
00:08:06,302 --> 00:08:08,612
? Make me money ?
188
00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:15,218
? They're worth a lot, they say ?
189
00:08:15,220 --> 00:08:18,479
? And I shall wear sweatpants ?
190
00:08:18,648 --> 00:08:21,315
? And I shall stretch the waistband ?
191
00:08:21,484 --> 00:08:25,411
? [whoops] And I shall wear sweatpants ?
192
00:08:25,488 --> 00:08:29,007
? Covering my gorgeous can [whoops] ?
193
00:08:29,234 --> 00:08:31,234
[vocalizing]
194
00:08:31,236 --> 00:08:33,253
Mornin', Jerry. [whoops]
195
00:08:33,329 --> 00:08:36,330
? And they shall be Leevi's ?
196
00:08:36,424 --> 00:08:39,851
? And I shall wear sweatpants ?
197
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:43,170
? And they shall be Leevi's ?
198
00:08:43,339 --> 00:08:46,432
? Sweatpants for the husky man ?
199
00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:48,026
? Oh, oh ?
200
00:08:48,253 --> 00:08:51,029
? They shall be ?
201
00:08:51,256 --> 00:08:53,740
-? Leevi's. ?
-? Sweatpants. ?
202
00:08:57,687 --> 00:08:59,429
[snoring]
203
00:08:59,598 --> 00:09:01,498
Mm...
204
00:09:04,102 --> 00:09:05,627
[entry bell rings]
205
00:09:07,196 --> 00:09:09,939
-Yes, may I help you?
-Comic Book Guy?
206
00:09:09,941 --> 00:09:11,532
No. I am his cousin,
207
00:09:11,610 --> 00:09:13,534
Collectible Pants Dude
208
00:09:13,628 --> 00:09:15,554
or CPD, whatever.
209
00:09:15,781 --> 00:09:18,039
I see. Well, I, uh,
may be interested
210
00:09:18,207 --> 00:09:20,725
in selling this vintage item.
211
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,468
Huh, I say.
212
00:09:22,637 --> 00:09:24,729
I will give you, eh...
213
00:09:24,806 --> 00:09:25,955
twenty dollars.
214
00:09:26,124 --> 00:09:27,957
Not so fast, bub.
215
00:09:28,051 --> 00:09:31,052
I happen to know
these are 501-XX
216
00:09:31,129 --> 00:09:34,464
big double-E jeans
with hidden rivets.
217
00:09:34,466 --> 00:09:36,649
Zoinks!
I see you know pants.
218
00:09:36,726 --> 00:09:38,802
In that case, my offer is...
219
00:09:38,970 --> 00:09:40,061
twenty-two dollars.
220
00:09:40,229 --> 00:09:43,656
I saw a pair on eBay for $3,000.
221
00:09:43,733 --> 00:09:45,658
Oh... [stammers] Uh...
222
00:09:45,735 --> 00:09:49,254
Fine! You have me, madam.
Because I must have them.
223
00:09:49,331 --> 00:09:52,090
I've never seen such
a perfectly distressed rear.
224
00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:54,667
I mean, these pants
have experienced thousands--
225
00:09:54,744 --> 00:09:58,004
I say thousands--
of pounds of butt pressure.
226
00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:00,156
Yes, he's got a big keister.
227
00:10:00,249 --> 00:10:02,100
Are we gonna deal or what?
228
00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:05,328
Sorry. Collectible clothes
are my one addiction.
229
00:10:05,330 --> 00:10:08,422
Also cannabis gummies
and the films of Kenneth Anger.
230
00:10:08,516 --> 00:10:09,515
But I digress.
231
00:10:09,592 --> 00:10:13,336
My offer is $2,595.
232
00:10:13,429 --> 00:10:14,270
Okay?
233
00:10:15,098 --> 00:10:16,781
-Hm...
-I see you hesitate.
234
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:20,619
Well, let me zip up this deal
and button its fly, okay?
235
00:10:22,364 --> 00:10:24,414
? ?
236
00:10:25,459 --> 00:10:28,710
Um, let me think
just a little bit more.
237
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:32,372
You've already put the money
in your bag.
238
00:10:32,466 --> 00:10:35,525
Oh. So I have. Mm.
239
00:10:35,527 --> 00:10:37,093
Deal.
240
00:10:38,213 --> 00:10:38,878
Mm!
241
00:10:39,047 --> 00:10:40,138
Oh, my God.
242
00:10:40,365 --> 00:10:42,048
There are so many things
I could do
243
00:10:42,125 --> 00:10:44,367
for my family's future
with this money.
244
00:10:44,460 --> 00:10:47,887
Mom, the money you gave me
paid for a week of college.
245
00:10:47,964 --> 00:10:49,088
Next.
246
00:10:49,166 --> 00:10:51,983
You used the money
for a neck tattoo?
247
00:10:52,210 --> 00:10:53,818
Not just the neck.
248
00:10:53,895 --> 00:10:56,237
[grumbles] Next.
249
00:10:58,900 --> 00:11:00,241
[grumbles]
250
00:11:02,053 --> 00:11:04,220
Oppenheimer. Oppenheimer!
251
00:11:04,389 --> 00:11:06,890
I am so sick of hearing
about that jerk.
252
00:11:06,892 --> 00:11:10,317
"Wah, I built a bomb then
I was sad when they dropped it."
253
00:11:10,395 --> 00:11:13,154
Boo-hoo. Aren't you sick
of Oppenheimer, Smithers?
254
00:11:13,231 --> 00:11:16,232
Actually, sir, I preferred
another movie last summer.
255
00:11:16,401 --> 00:11:18,659
Another movie?
Besides Oppenheimer?
256
00:11:18,737 --> 00:11:20,403
-That's right.
-There was a second movie
257
00:11:20,572 --> 00:11:21,421
people were seeing?
258
00:11:21,589 --> 00:11:23,256
Yes, there was.
A global phenomenon.
259
00:11:23,332 --> 00:11:25,408
Really?
Global, you say?
260
00:11:25,501 --> 00:11:27,760
And it finally
gave me the courage
261
00:11:27,929 --> 00:11:29,746
to do this.
262
00:11:30,749 --> 00:11:32,857
Mm, well, you seem to be
bleeding from the head.
263
00:11:33,084 --> 00:11:35,527
-It's dye.
-Die on your own time.
264
00:11:35,603 --> 00:11:38,363
Now, regarding Oppenheimer,
follow me.
265
00:11:42,260 --> 00:11:45,186
Have you fellows heard
of "Tickling the Dragon's Tail"?
266
00:11:45,263 --> 00:11:47,188
Sounds like a DreamWorks film.
267
00:11:47,265 --> 00:11:48,189
Well, it's not.
268
00:11:48,357 --> 00:11:50,099
We carefully add small amounts
269
00:11:50,268 --> 00:11:51,710
of fissionable uranium,
270
00:11:51,937 --> 00:11:54,287
stopping
just before critical mass.
271
00:11:54,363 --> 00:11:57,382
We can create the most
profitable atomic pile of all.
272
00:11:57,459 --> 00:12:00,126
Oppenheimer tried it
at Los Alamos but he failed.
273
00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:01,294
Idiot!
274
00:12:01,370 --> 00:12:03,537
That showboat
slides his boney self
275
00:12:03,615 --> 00:12:04,797
into every picture.
276
00:12:04,891 --> 00:12:06,950
Should have called him
Photo-Oppenheimer.
277
00:12:06,952 --> 00:12:08,785
My biopic will be longer,
278
00:12:08,787 --> 00:12:10,136
its star skinnier,
279
00:12:10,305 --> 00:12:12,956
and global annihilation
will not be hinted at,
280
00:12:12,958 --> 00:12:15,016
but rather
the heartwarming climax.
281
00:12:15,092 --> 00:12:17,610
-Excellent.
-[Geiger counter clicking]
282
00:12:20,131 --> 00:12:21,965
Of, uh, course, sir,
283
00:12:21,967 --> 00:12:23,724
if you exceed the critical mass,
284
00:12:23,818 --> 00:12:25,969
it, uh, would lead to an
uncontrolled nuclear explo...
285
00:12:26,062 --> 00:12:27,203
[both gasp]
286
00:12:29,824 --> 00:12:31,491
The plant's gonna blow!
287
00:12:31,567 --> 00:12:32,584
Alarmist.
288
00:12:32,660 --> 00:12:33,977
? ?
289
00:12:33,979 --> 00:12:36,629
[man]
My suit's... too bulky!
290
00:12:37,983 --> 00:12:40,817
[vocalizing quietly]
291
00:12:40,986 --> 00:12:42,260
Did you see that, Smithers?
292
00:12:42,337 --> 00:12:45,171
That sweat-panted Superman
rescued us all.
293
00:12:45,248 --> 00:12:47,581
Well, I just
put my sweatpants on
294
00:12:47,659 --> 00:12:50,660
one leg at a time
like any fat guy.
295
00:12:50,662 --> 00:12:52,753
Well, you saved my life.
296
00:12:52,831 --> 00:12:54,272
So I'm giving you two tickets,
297
00:12:54,499 --> 00:12:57,016
front row seats,
to a baseball game.
298
00:12:57,093 --> 00:12:58,735
Debt paid.
Never talk to me again.
299
00:13:00,505 --> 00:13:01,337
Hmm.
300
00:13:01,339 --> 00:13:03,673
I thought I'd enjoy this money,
301
00:13:03,766 --> 00:13:06,433
but I'm not happy.
[groans]
302
00:13:06,602 --> 00:13:08,678
[Barney]
I sure don't envy you, lady.
303
00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:11,347
When life gives you lemons,
make lemonade.
304
00:13:11,516 --> 00:13:13,941
Add vodka,
and meet me down here.
305
00:13:14,035 --> 00:13:16,211
-Oh.
-Mm...
306
00:13:18,523 --> 00:13:19,631
Reverend, what does
our faith say
307
00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:23,343
about spending money
on something just for yourself?
308
00:13:24,529 --> 00:13:27,196
Well, I sure don't know.
but for 20 bucks
309
00:13:27,365 --> 00:13:29,882
I'll wipe the communion cup
before you drink from it.
310
00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:31,226
Eh?
311
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:33,728
[grumbles]
312
00:13:34,797 --> 00:13:36,964
Oh...
313
00:13:37,058 --> 00:13:39,300
Homer, after a lot
of soul searching,
314
00:13:39,468 --> 00:13:41,653
there's something
I've got to tell you.
315
00:13:41,729 --> 00:13:43,988
-[crowd cheering] -[organ playing]
316
00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:46,382
Are you at a baseball game?
317
00:13:46,551 --> 00:13:47,975
I am. It's so great.
318
00:13:47,994 --> 00:13:50,570
We got to meet the players,
play "Chopsticks" on the organ,
319
00:13:50,664 --> 00:13:54,315
and they hit a foul ball to you
on purpose.
320
00:13:54,392 --> 00:13:56,209
[organ playing "Chopsticks"]
321
00:13:59,564 --> 00:14:00,746
Are you there alone?
322
00:14:00,915 --> 00:14:02,732
Well, I asked Lenny,
but he was busy.
323
00:14:02,825 --> 00:14:04,233
Carl was out sick.
324
00:14:04,235 --> 00:14:05,902
Smitty was taking or teaching
325
00:14:05,995 --> 00:14:07,846
a Pilates class, I forget which.
326
00:14:07,922 --> 00:14:10,073
So I finally asked
that new guy from Ghana.
327
00:14:10,166 --> 00:14:12,666
I have so many questions
about your baseball.
328
00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:14,427
First, why?
329
00:14:14,521 --> 00:14:16,762
Homer, how come you
didn't ask me?
330
00:14:16,857 --> 00:14:19,340
Uh, well,
you don't like baseball.
331
00:14:19,434 --> 00:14:21,508
Maybe, but more importantly,
332
00:14:21,677 --> 00:14:23,269
I like being asked.
333
00:14:23,346 --> 00:14:25,679
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
uh, can I get you a jersey?
334
00:14:25,773 --> 00:14:27,181
Uh, what's your size again?
335
00:14:27,275 --> 00:14:29,442
Medium!
It's always been medium.
336
00:14:29,518 --> 00:14:32,186
Um, that's something
I should have known, right?
337
00:14:32,263 --> 00:14:35,373
Buster, you should know whether
or not you should've known it.
338
00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:38,101
But thanks
for clearing things up for me.
339
00:14:38,103 --> 00:14:40,027
You're welcome.
Do I get another kiss?
340
00:14:40,196 --> 00:14:42,121
Oh, you'll get a kiss,
all right.
341
00:14:42,198 --> 00:14:43,697
You're gonna get a big kiss.
342
00:14:43,791 --> 00:14:45,942
You just wait for that kiss.
343
00:14:46,111 --> 00:14:47,944
If you come here,
we can get it on the kiss cam.
344
00:14:48,037 --> 00:14:48,945
-[hangs up]
-[dial tone]
345
00:14:49,114 --> 00:14:50,796
Dial tone? Hello?
346
00:14:50,965 --> 00:14:52,632
Marge? Marge?
347
00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:54,726
Hello? Dial tone?
348
00:14:54,761 --> 00:14:56,302
Now I have to kiss him?
349
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:59,546
Well, if it's
all part of baseball. Mwah.
350
00:14:59,624 --> 00:15:01,733
[grumbles]
351
00:15:03,886 --> 00:15:07,096
I want the biggest ring
I can buy!
352
00:15:07,223 --> 00:15:09,056
Ooh!
That's a coincidence.
353
00:15:09,150 --> 00:15:12,393
I want you to have
the biggest ring I can sell.
354
00:15:12,487 --> 00:15:13,620
Yes!
355
00:15:18,325 --> 00:15:20,326
Now, the current rule of thumb
is a truly meaningful ring
356
00:15:20,569 --> 00:15:22,253
should cost
three months' salary.
357
00:15:22,330 --> 00:15:24,756
If I don't have a salary,
is it free?
358
00:15:24,832 --> 00:15:25,815
No.
359
00:15:25,908 --> 00:15:26,999
Nice try.
360
00:15:27,168 --> 00:15:29,761
Now, if for some reason
I want to return this?
361
00:15:29,988 --> 00:15:31,320
Ooh, no problem.
362
00:15:31,322 --> 00:15:34,098
You have a full three seconds
to change your mind.
363
00:15:34,175 --> 00:15:36,476
Starting now.
364
00:15:39,514 --> 00:15:41,422
Time's up.
365
00:15:41,499 --> 00:15:43,666
Oh...
366
00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:45,276
[Marge]
Oh, my God.
367
00:15:45,353 --> 00:15:47,336
I didn't know I'd feel so guilty walking around
368
00:15:47,505 --> 00:15:49,489
wearing something so expensive.
369
00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:51,765
Calm down, Marge, calm down.
370
00:15:51,843 --> 00:15:53,117
Nobody cares.
371
00:15:53,194 --> 00:15:54,935
Marge, I was
a couple blocks away
372
00:15:55,029 --> 00:15:56,603
and I couldn't help
noticing you wearing
373
00:15:56,698 --> 00:15:59,290
something your husband
couldn't possibly afford.
374
00:15:59,367 --> 00:16:00,291
Tattletale!
375
00:16:00,368 --> 00:16:01,867
[scoffs]
Casual Christian.
376
00:16:01,944 --> 00:16:03,777
Remember, sale's final.
377
00:16:03,855 --> 00:16:05,338
[grumbles]
378
00:16:06,207 --> 00:16:08,040
Okay, okay.
Can't return it.
379
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:09,875
Might as well enjoy it.
380
00:16:09,970 --> 00:16:11,877
? ?
381
00:16:11,954 --> 00:16:13,471
[gasps]
A guilt rash!
382
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:15,548
The last time I got
one of these was when I took
383
00:16:15,624 --> 00:16:18,050
that bottle of shampoo
from the hotel.
384
00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:21,062
It wasn't opened.
They could have reused it.
385
00:16:23,374 --> 00:16:25,984
[sighs]
I'll just leave it there.
386
00:16:26,987 --> 00:16:30,029
No, no, no.
Someone will find it.
387
00:16:47,065 --> 00:16:48,673
Mm...
388
00:16:48,900 --> 00:16:51,567
So this is what having a secret feels like.
389
00:16:51,660 --> 00:16:53,252
It's terrible.
390
00:16:53,329 --> 00:16:55,238
Why does everybody do it?
391
00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:57,240
Maybe I could hide it in here.
392
00:16:57,333 --> 00:17:00,667
D'oh! How many places
does Homer hide cookies?
393
00:17:00,762 --> 00:17:02,729
D'oh!
394
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:06,190
Whoa!
395
00:17:06,417 --> 00:17:08,067
Oh...
396
00:17:11,773 --> 00:17:14,032
Ah, no one can find it now.
397
00:17:14,259 --> 00:17:15,925
[Lisa]
Who are you talking to, Mom?
398
00:17:16,094 --> 00:17:17,927
Aah!
What are you doing here?
399
00:17:17,929 --> 00:17:20,371
Oh, I like to look
at my old report cards.
400
00:17:20,598 --> 00:17:22,932
One teacher--
if you could believe it--
401
00:17:22,934 --> 00:17:25,101
gave me an A-plus-plus.
402
00:17:25,194 --> 00:17:27,194
They're not allowed
to do that anymore.
403
00:17:27,363 --> 00:17:29,288
It makes
the other kids feel bad.
404
00:17:29,365 --> 00:17:32,032
And that's why
we're losing to China.
405
00:17:32,201 --> 00:17:33,943
-Yo.
-Aah!
406
00:17:33,945 --> 00:17:35,369
What are you doing in the attic?
407
00:17:35,463 --> 00:17:37,221
Well, one thing
I'm definitely not doing
408
00:17:37,298 --> 00:17:39,115
is hiding from the cops.
409
00:17:39,208 --> 00:17:40,040
Eh, we'll never find him.
410
00:17:40,209 --> 00:17:42,185
Let's go, boys.
411
00:17:43,137 --> 00:17:44,637
No respect for the law.
412
00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:46,230
Let's get some donuts.
413
00:17:49,961 --> 00:17:52,570
Get to bed, now!
414
00:17:53,798 --> 00:17:56,157
-[sucking sound]
-Now what?
415
00:17:58,578 --> 00:17:59,893
You're not judging me.
416
00:17:59,971 --> 00:18:01,562
With you, I can enjoy it.
417
00:18:01,656 --> 00:18:03,973
Don't swallow it.
418
00:18:04,066 --> 00:18:06,250
-[sighs]
-What's the matter, Homer?
419
00:18:06,477 --> 00:18:08,828
I'm starting to think
I don't appreciate Marge enough.
420
00:18:08,922 --> 00:18:12,481
She does everything for me
and I just take her for granted.
421
00:18:12,575 --> 00:18:14,425
Let me tell you something,
Homer, you are so lucky
422
00:18:14,652 --> 00:18:17,077
that she doesn't leave you
for the next tall, dark
423
00:18:17,155 --> 00:18:19,079
and handsome guy
that comes along.
424
00:18:19,157 --> 00:18:22,082
Oh, Moe, I love...
425
00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:24,769
the way you introduced me
to this guy.
426
00:18:24,996 --> 00:18:26,104
Woo-hoo!
427
00:18:26,180 --> 00:18:28,481
Homer, I think
your problem is...
428
00:18:32,170 --> 00:18:34,070
[tune of "You're a Mean One,
Mr. Grinch" playing]
429
00:18:35,006 --> 00:18:36,763
? She's a mad wife ?
430
00:18:36,932 --> 00:18:38,932
? Homer J ?
431
00:18:39,010 --> 00:18:41,768
? With tears behind her smile... ?
432
00:18:41,846 --> 00:18:43,028
Uh, happy tears?
433
00:18:43,197 --> 00:18:44,864
? You treat her like she's nothing ?
434
00:18:44,940 --> 00:18:47,683
? Unless your gut needs stuffing... ?
435
00:18:47,685 --> 00:18:49,127
-What the...
-[yelps]
436
00:18:49,354 --> 00:18:51,687
? As a husband, I would rate you ?
437
00:18:51,780 --> 00:18:54,448
? Beneath Henry VIII you ?
438
00:18:54,525 --> 00:18:58,594
? Really are a selfish guy... ?
439
00:19:05,370 --> 00:19:06,978
? You really are, all things considered ?
440
00:19:07,205 --> 00:19:09,796
? A nearly spherical, full of beer-icle ?
441
00:19:09,891 --> 00:19:14,068
? Incredibly selfish guy. ?
442
00:19:16,714 --> 00:19:17,989
Haw-haw!
443
00:19:18,216 --> 00:19:20,974
Before you,
I rode through dog poop!
444
00:19:21,143 --> 00:19:22,385
[sighs]
445
00:19:22,387 --> 00:19:25,070
I'll just have to
live with my selfishness.
446
00:19:25,239 --> 00:19:27,206
Oh.
447
00:19:31,896 --> 00:19:33,004
What is this?
448
00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:35,064
A fancy ring?!
449
00:19:35,233 --> 00:19:37,324
That Marge bought for herself?!
450
00:19:37,402 --> 00:19:39,844
She's been holding back on us
this whole time.
451
00:19:40,071 --> 00:19:43,097
Oh, my God, the things she does.
452
00:19:45,743 --> 00:19:48,227
The things she does.
453
00:19:52,750 --> 00:19:54,984
The things she does.
454
00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:57,086
Aw.
455
00:19:57,255 --> 00:19:59,588
The things she does.
456
00:19:59,590 --> 00:20:03,092
All the wonderful
things she does.
457
00:20:03,185 --> 00:20:06,204
Putting those sweet notes
in my lunch every day.
458
00:20:06,372 --> 00:20:08,039
Getting everyone
a birthday present
459
00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:12,101
Even in her sleep,
460
00:20:12,194 --> 00:20:13,769
she's perfect.
461
00:20:13,862 --> 00:20:16,605
With all the wonderful,
beautiful things Marge does,
462
00:20:16,699 --> 00:20:20,593
there's only one thing
I can do with this ring.
463
00:20:22,129 --> 00:20:24,630
Homie, you're back.
You...
464
00:20:24,799 --> 00:20:26,557
You put this on me?
465
00:20:26,634 --> 00:20:29,618
Baby, I just wish
I'd bought it for you.
466
00:20:29,712 --> 00:20:32,137
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
467
00:20:32,232 --> 00:20:35,382
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
468
00:20:35,476 --> 00:20:38,143
and TOYOTA.
469
00:20:38,238 --> 00:20:40,488
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
470
00:20:45,059 --> 00:20:46,151
Ah, finally, no guilt.
471
00:20:46,246 --> 00:20:47,152
[Brockman] Breaking news.
472
00:20:47,247 --> 00:20:48,654
Amnesty International
has identified
473
00:20:48,823 --> 00:20:52,808
the Spiffany Blue diamond as
the most unethically mined gem
474
00:20:52,810 --> 00:20:53,993
in human history.
475
00:20:54,069 --> 00:20:56,420
It takes six blue whales
to color each carat.
476
00:20:56,497 --> 00:20:58,831
Wearing this is a sparkly expression
477
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:01,092
that you love misery.
478
00:21:01,261 --> 00:21:05,078
Well, I'll just wear the ring
inside for a little.
479
00:21:05,156 --> 00:21:08,007
[singer]
? Homer's Leevi's size ?
480
00:21:08,101 --> 00:21:10,518
? Is Husky ?
481
00:21:13,164 --> 00:21:16,089
? But he's still too fat, they say ?
482
00:21:16,167 --> 00:21:17,016
[Homer] Hey!
483
00:21:17,110 --> 00:21:18,017
[singer] ? That's because ?
484
00:21:18,093 --> 00:21:20,278
? He's a fat man ?
485
00:21:20,505 --> 00:21:23,781
[Homer] ? They're making pants too small these days ?
486
00:21:23,858 --> 00:21:27,843
-? New pants are too small. ?
-[singer] ? You are a fat man. ?
487
00:21:27,845 --> 00:21:28,527
[both whoop]
488
00:21:28,621 --> 00:21:29,370
Shh!
34094
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