Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

- Hey, guys. - Hey.

Long day at work, huh, Ma?

We were gonna have dinner without you,

Then we remembered you're the one who cooks.

[canned laughter]

Van, I work, you don't. Who do you think should cook?

I think it should be the TV guy who goes,

"Bam!" But he's not here.

Are you tryin' to get a whuppin'?

Something tells me you haven't found your assistant.

Just make sure to check all the references, Mom.

Well, I've talked to all their parole officers.

Well, a bunch of people called here today.

I've been on the phone all day.

- Boy, unemployed people are sure chatty. - Yeah.

Well, I'm desperate. Does anybody sound interesting?

Tell her about that guy

that called this afternoon. He sounded really good.

- He did? Tell me. - Yeah.

Well, let's see. He's in his early 20s, married, has a kid.

Sounded like a pretty cool guy.

He really wanted the job.

Oh, my gosh. That's him, that's the guy. Oh, give me his number.

- I don't think he left it. - Why? He had to.

See if he left a message.

Okay. I'll go do that.

Why don't you start shaking a pot?

We got to find him. How much does a bounty hunter cost?

Wow. You're really worked up about this, huh?

Cheyenne, you have no idea what's it like out there.

One guy wanted two weeks off so he could go back to Middle-earth.

Oh, you know what? I know what to do.

You dial star 69. It will call him right back.

- Nobody used the phone since he called? - No.

- Oh, my god. - Yeah.

Hello? Hi, don't hang up on me.

My name's Reba Hart and I got a job for you.

And my name's Van Montgomery and I'll take it!

[Reba] Ha, hey!

♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

[theme music playing]

Okay, Jake, since Van's gonna be working with me,

you'll be home alone for about an hour after school.

You gonna be okay?

Don't worry, Mom. I'll be fine.

I have everyone's phone number and a box of matches to play with.

Well, on the plus side,

the house will be full of firemen when I get home.

Scoot.

I'm gonna be alone in the house after school.

Tell some of your girlfriends to stop by.

Van, hurry up! We're gonna be late for work!

Y'know, the boss shouldn't have to say, "Get outta your pajamas."

So, it's true, Mom? You actually hired Van?

Yes, I did.

Y'know, maybe I should've thought about it a moment more.

But, y'know, give the family a chance, right?

Van's better than nothin'.

Right, Kyra?

You'd be better off with tying a monkey and letting it loose in your office.

Come on, Van. Let's go!

Van, come on~

Van Montgomery, at your service.

Well, hello, little lady.`

Would you like to buy a house? [chuckles]

Seriously, Mom. [chittering]

Van, you're not selling houses, you're my assistant.

Who happens to be late for his first day of work.

Oh, come on, I'm golden. I'm married to the boss' daughter.

There, he is. Hey, Van.

I brought you something for your first day on the job.

That's my very first briefcase.

- Wow. - Yeah.

It must be a hundred years old.

It, uh...

Smells like socks.

Yeah, I used to carry my workout gear in there back in the '80s.

You know, I was the only straight guy at Jazzercise.

[groans]

[sighs] So, Reba. Very smart.

Hiring somebody in the family that you could trust.

You know, especially somebody who can type 80 words a minute.

What? I can't type that fast.

Oh, no. Wait a minute, that's me.

[chuckles]

Van must be the person in the family

who's taken several computer classes at The Y.

Oh, shoot, no. That's me. [chuckles awkwardly]

[sighs] CPR Class? Me.

License to operate a backhoe? Me.

Barbra Jean, the reason I didn't ask you for the job

is because you said you always wanted to be a full-time mom.

- Oh, thank you for respecting that. - You're welcome.

So, that's the only reason

- you didn't hire me? - Yes.

- That, and the you-being-crazy thing. - Oh.

You two have fun. I'm sure it'll be great.

Oh. absolutely.

Unless somebody has a heart attack

or needs me to dig a trench.

[chuckles awkwardly]

- I'll keep my cell on. - Yeah.

Are you excited, Van? Ready to get started?

You bet, but you know what? This morning's practically shot.

Can we just go straight to lunch?

Well, the morning is practically shot

'Cause you didn't get out of bed until I put that waffle under your nose.

So, it wasn't a dream.

Look, Van. I need you to take this seriously.

This is more than just a job to me. It's my career.

And what you do reflects on me.

Got it. Okay.

In that case, I'll need another half hour with the hair dryer.

No, you're fine. No. Listen.

All you need to do is remember the three Ps to be a good employee.

Wow, good thing there aren't two or it'd be "pee-pee."

[canned laughter]

Punctuality, preparedness, and professionalism. Got it?

Got it, okay. No, I wasn't listening.

I was still thinking about my hair.

Here, let me get it for you.

Now, let's go!

[theme music playing]

Hey, Mom? I'm gonna ride my bike down the stairs.

What's that? You're at work?

Sweet.

Hey, Jakey.

I thought since we're both alone, we could spend some time together.

Now's not the best time, Barbra Jean.

Jake! You are not gonna ride that bike down those stairs.

- It is too dangerous. - That's what makes it fun.

Haven't you ever done anything dangerous?

Well...

No.

My parents were really strict and mean. They never let me do anything.

I don't see your parents around.

[chuckles]

Now, remember, Barbra Jean,

- If you crash, go limp. - Yeah.

All right, on three.

One, two, and--

I tried to stop her. The woman's insane!

You wanna go first?

You know, that's the least crazy thing I've seen all day.

'Cause I get to work with Van, yeah!

- [Barbra Jean screaming] Yee-haw! - [clattering on stairs]

Yeah!

Yeah.

So, Reba. Things didn't go well with Van today?

Kyra was right. I should have hired a monkey.

Oh, Reba, you can't. The laws are so strict.

I could just kill Van.

See, I was showing this house to a couple for like, the fifth time,

- when Van comes in, late. - Mm-hm.

Grabs a couple of beers and says to the husband,

"Hey, dude. You wanna go outside and shoot some hoops?"

Men and balls.

[sing-songs] Bur-da-burp-burp.

[Reba] Oh, Cheyenne, honey.

I think I'm having second thoughts about your husband.

Too late. Should've piped up at the wedding.

Cheyenne, he started to interfere with my clients.

I think he cost me sale today.

Look, Mom. I have got a lot going on.

For eight hours a day, he's your problem.

- Fine. - [door closes]

When Van gets home,

- we're gonna have a long chat. - Yeah.

'Cause I won't allow him out there making me look bad.

[screams] I sold those people the house!

[grunting excitedly]

[theme music playing]

[theme music playing]

What did you say?

I said, "I sold those people the house."

Van, you couldn't have sold them that house.

- You were outside, playing basketball. - That's how I did it.

I didn't want him to just buy the house.

I wanted him to buy the neighborhood, the lifestyle.

That's how that guy sold me the kayak.

Well, that's just--

Wow!

Good for you.

Good for us. I couldn't have done it without you distracting his wife.

Well, maybe me showing the wife the house

had something to do with the decision too.

Nah, after you left, she was against buying it.

But then, I showed Cindy the garden, and she was hooked!

You see, Mrs. H, you gotta know your buyer.

For Tony and Cindy,

shootin' hoop and buying a few beers

made that house feel like that could be their home.

[sings] ♪ Home, home on the range ♪

♪ Where the... ♪

We were singing that. I'm still kinda buzzed.

[cellphone ringing]

Oh, hey.

Oh! That's Tony and Cindy.

Hey! Talk to big daddy, Van! Yeah!

Reba?

Are you okay? Your...

Your face is starting to get all red. It's...

Starting to match your hair.

No, I'm fine. I'm happy for Van.

I think it's great that he can just waltz in,

make a sale without even trying

after I've done all the groundwork for two weeks.

- Well, you don't sound happy. - Well, I am!

Well, all I know if that my son-in-law did this--

Well, which would be weird 'cause, you know, I only have a son,

which mean Henry would be gay, you know?

I mean, I'd love him just the same, you know.

But I don't think he's gay.

But he sure does know his colors.

I'm gonna go home.

[theme music playing]

Okay, Jake, if I can't trust you at home,

I'm gonna hire a babysitter.

Cool. Babysitters are hot.

I hate this age. Go upstairs to your room.

Howdy, partner. Hey, check this out.

"Montgomery-Hart, 'cause you gotta have...

"Montgomery."

See what I did there?

You thought it'll read, ''Cause you gotta have Hart." I went the other way.

I would've gone the normal way, then again, I'm normal.

- What's this for, exactly? - We could be partners.

[chuckles] No, we really couldn't be partners

'cause you don't have your real estate license.

Eh, details.

Ha! Not details. It's the law.

That is what's so great. You know the law and I don't care.

Van, being a real estate agent is hard. Not everybody can do it.

Are you forgetting that I sold a house?

Are you forgetting that I own the house you live in?

Hey, Van. How'd work go? How many houses did you sell today?

Still just the one the but the big news

is that Mrs. H and I are gonna be partners.

Partners?

I hope you're talking about fighting crime.

No, and we're not gonna be partners.

But, Mrs. H, we'll work so great together.

You come in all stern, and technical, like,

[grunts] "Look at the closet."

"Look at the square footage."

And then, I come in, all cool.

"Hey, I'm Van. What's up? Wanna buy a house?"

And they do.

You show the house.

I sell the house.

You talk 'em to death, I sell the house.

I talk 'em to death, Van?

Like talking about the school systems

and plumbing and roofing?

She can go on like that for hours.

Hey, Van. You may be misreading the situation.

No, I'm not. Are you guys forgetting that I sold a house?

No! Because you won't let us forget it!

You...

Ripped my flier.

We won't be partners. We'll never be partners!

In fact, I'll go the other way. You're fired.

You're firing me?

This came out of the blue.

No, really, it didn't.

I had it doodled all over my day planner.

All right, fine. Fine. I'll get another job.

Maybe I should find something I'm not good at so no one's upset!

[door slams]

Well, Reba, what happened there?

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm happy it wasn't me, for once,

but still--

I don't know.

I wanna be happy for him.

I should be happy for him!

I mean, he's my son-in-law. He did a great thing!

Yeah. And?

And part of me wants to be happy for him.

And the other part just wants to smack him upside the head.

It's totally understandable you're a bit jealous.

I mean, he made a quick sale. He's young. He's good-lookin'.

He eats like a pig and stays in marvelous shape.

I mean, if I weren't exactly like him, hey, I'd wanna smack him, too.

[softly] Yeah.

So you don't think I'm a terrible person for feeling this way

- No. - [sighs]

It's just that it's so easy for him, and so hard for me.

I have a lot ridin' on this.

Sometimes I lie in bed at night

and wonder what'll happen if this don't work out.

Remember when I got out of college

- and we started the dental practice? - Yeah.

I was nervous, made tons of mistakes. Remember what happened?

We got that malpractice insurance?

[chuckles] No, I relaxed, and everything worked out.

Okay? You're just too uptight. I mean--

Van sold that house because he was relaxed.

He was just being himself and people can sense that.

You think I should be more like Van?

- Well, yeah. - Oh, come on, Brock!

I got three important appointments tomorrow,

I can't act like some surfer on cough medicine.

[laughs]

You don't have to act like him,

You just think like him. Give it a try.

No.

Okay, fine. Fine, don't change. Be all,

[grunts] "Look at the closets."

Okay, fine. I'll think like Van.

- [groans] That hurts. - [chuckles]

Just make your mind go completely blank.

Hi. I'm Barbra Jean.

[theme music playing]

[knocking at door]

Van! It's noon.

Get up. Rise and shine.

Oh, man. I was dreaming about waffles!

Come on, get up.

Get a tie on, boy. We got work to do.

- I thought you're mad at me. - Why would you think that?

Because you yelled at me, fired me, and tore my flier.

I'm sorry about that, Van.

I was feelin', well, insecure, and I was taking it out on you.

But I don't feel that way anymore because you know why?

I sold a house this morning.

What? You?

Yes. Yes.

I got to thinking you don't take anything seriously, so I didn't, and,

it worked.

Can you believe it? You taught me something.

Look, I'm sorry about all that stuff I said yesterday.

It turns out that we could really be a good team.

So, Montgomery-Hart is back in business?

Well, Hart is. Montgomery is her valuable assistant,

who has lots of talents.

But needs to learn how to act like a professional.

Oh, come on, Mrs. H. You're the only one at the office that doesn't go for this.

[grunts]

Van, look.

You can have all the good times you want.

But if you don't show up,

act like you know what you're doing and be prepared,

none of that means anything.

That's something you can learn from me.

So get up, get dressed.

And let's sell, sell, sell.

We got a busy day today.

We got two open houses, a caravan, and a--

An empty liquor bottle.

Van, what's this?

Uh...

Well, I, uh-- I was gonna put a ship in it.

Van, is this why you've been sleepin' late

and not showing up for stuff?

Because having a few beers is one thing, but...

Hiding bottles in your closet is not good.

Yeah, but, Mrs. H--

I know.

Van, look. I know it's been pretty rough for you

since you left football.

But with this real estate thing,

I think you found something that you can be really good at.

And you'd be plumb stupid

if you let this drinking mess it all up.

- Okay. - Van.

You need to promise me, this is gonna end.

I promise.

Good.

Get dressed and come on downstairs.

Because next time, it won't be just a waffle,

it'll be the waffle iron.

- Hey, Ma! - Hi, Cheyenne.

All right. So I just dropped Elizabeth off at daycare.

What's wrong?

Is this your bottle?

What? [chuckles awkwardly]

Why would you think that is my bottle?

Well, it's not mine, and if it's not yours,

then our three-year-old has a major problem.

What's going on, Cheyenne?

[soft music playing]

[theme music playing]

[man] Acme!

[coughing]