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♪ Mmm, mmm, mmm ♪
2
00:00:12,684 --> 00:00:15,064
♪ Tell me why ♪
3
00:00:15,201 --> 00:00:16,890
♪ I love you like I do ♪
4
00:00:17,028 --> 00:00:18,752
♪ Tell me who ♪
5
00:00:18,890 --> 00:00:21,200
♪ Can stop my heart
As much as you ♪
6
00:00:21,338 --> 00:00:23,580
♪ Tell me all your secrets ♪
7
00:00:23,718 --> 00:00:25,751
♪ I'll tell you Most of mine ♪
8
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♪ They say Nobody's perfect ♪
9
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♪ Well, that's really
true This time ♪
10
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♪ 'Cause I don't
have The answers ♪
11
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♪ I don't have a plan ♪
12
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♪ All I have is you ♪
13
00:00:35,991 --> 00:00:38,335
♪ So, baby Help me understand ♪
14
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♪ What we do ♪
15
00:00:40,128 --> 00:00:42,439
♪ You can whisper In my ear ♪
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♪ Where we go ♪
17
00:00:44,438 --> 00:00:46,920
♪ Who knows what
happens After here? ♪
18
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♪ Let's take Each other's hand ♪
19
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♪ And jump into ♪
20
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♪ The final frontier ♪
21
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♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪
22
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♪ Final frontier ♪
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♪ Mmm, mmm, mmm ♪
24
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♪ Final frontier ♪
25
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I blame my parents.
26
00:01:21,570 --> 00:01:24,432
I've been engaged four
times to three different men,
27
00:01:24,570 --> 00:01:26,431
and if you're doing the math,
28
00:01:26,569 --> 00:01:28,879
that's a lot of angry people.
29
00:01:29,016 --> 00:01:31,499
First there was this guy,
30
00:01:31,637 --> 00:01:33,706
then were was this guy,
31
00:01:33,844 --> 00:01:36,050
and then there was this guy.
32
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And you remember this
gentleman from the first photo.
33
00:01:39,222 --> 00:01:42,394
Leave a guy at the
altar once, and it stings.
34
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The second time,
apparently highly destructive.
35
00:01:44,945 --> 00:01:47,566
How you like me so far?
36
00:01:49,048 --> 00:01:51,875
Let's begin, shall we, with
a story that has become
37
00:01:52,013 --> 00:01:53,737
almost folklore in my family.
38
00:01:53,874 --> 00:01:57,184
It was 1999, so I'm 1,
39
00:01:57,322 --> 00:01:58,874
and it's my parents'
anniversary.
40
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So what do you want to do?
41
00:02:01,011 --> 00:02:02,046
I'm totally open.
42
00:02:02,184 --> 00:02:04,907
A concert or theater or
maybe a fancy dinner.
43
00:02:05,045 --> 00:02:06,494
What says anniversary?
44
00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:10,562
Certainly not that.
45
00:02:10,700 --> 00:02:11,700
Ew!
46
00:02:11,734 --> 00:02:13,148
Honey, look up
for me, won't you?
47
00:02:13,286 --> 00:02:15,733
Is there a hawk or an
ostrich of some sort?
48
00:02:15,871 --> 00:02:18,250
Whoa.
49
00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:19,732
Oh, paint! I'm so happy.
50
00:02:19,870 --> 00:02:20,905
Hey, we know you.
51
00:02:21,043 --> 00:02:21,905
Hey.
52
00:02:22,042 --> 00:02:23,042
Hey!
53
00:02:23,180 --> 00:02:24,042
Paul and Jamie, right?
54
00:02:24,180 --> 00:02:25,662
Yeah, Larry, right? Lenny.
55
00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:27,146
Lenny. Right.
56
00:02:27,283 --> 00:02:29,403
This is so wild. You know,
it's our anniversary today.
57
00:02:29,490 --> 00:02:30,490
No, it is not.
58
00:02:30,593 --> 00:02:31,913
Yes, it is. Seven
years ago today.
59
00:02:32,041 --> 00:02:33,316
That is deeply ironic.
60
00:02:33,454 --> 00:02:34,454
Oh. Well, come here.
61
00:02:34,523 --> 00:02:35,523
Look what we did.
62
00:02:35,558 --> 00:02:38,522
Look. Mabel, this nice man
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00:02:38,660 --> 00:02:40,177
married your daddy and me.
64
00:02:40,315 --> 00:02:41,488
Hello, small pretty person.
65
00:02:41,626 --> 00:02:44,625
Lenny, I tell you, your
wedding was so special to us...
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00:02:44,763 --> 00:02:46,107
Just this secret
little ceremony.
67
00:02:46,245 --> 00:02:47,107
It really was.
68
00:02:47,245 --> 00:02:48,280
You're probably confused,
69
00:02:48,418 --> 00:02:50,003
but Lenny is also
an ordained minister.
70
00:02:50,142 --> 00:02:52,555
Now, Mabel, you know better
than to believe that, don't you?
71
00:02:52,693 --> 00:02:54,002
What do you mean?
72
00:02:54,141 --> 00:02:56,381
You guys know I'm not
really a minister, right?
73
00:02:56,519 --> 00:02:57,726
No.
74
00:02:57,864 --> 00:02:59,450
Well, okay.
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00:02:59,588 --> 00:03:00,691
I'm not.
76
00:03:00,829 --> 00:03:02,794
Well, how can that be? No. No.
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00:03:02,932 --> 00:03:04,277
You... You said you were.
78
00:03:04,415 --> 00:03:07,690
Yeah. You happen to recall
where we had that discussion, Paul?
79
00:03:07,828 --> 00:03:10,690
Yes, I do. We were
at my bachelor party.
80
00:03:10,828 --> 00:03:11,828
Uh-huh. So?
81
00:03:11,965 --> 00:03:13,861
We were at a strip club, man,
82
00:03:13,999 --> 00:03:14,999
drinking, carousing.
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00:03:15,034 --> 00:03:16,758
When I told that cute girl
84
00:03:16,896 --> 00:03:18,826
I was Federal Reserve
Chairman Alan Greenspan,
85
00:03:18,964 --> 00:03:20,309
did you believe that, too?
86
00:03:20,446 --> 00:03:21,481
No, but...
87
00:03:21,619 --> 00:03:24,136
But... but later, when
we came to you...
88
00:03:24,274 --> 00:03:25,618
It seemed so important to you.
89
00:03:25,756 --> 00:03:27,618
I didn't have the
heart to let you down.
90
00:03:27,756 --> 00:03:29,307
Yes, but...
91
00:03:29,445 --> 00:03:31,755
I knew you had the official
ceremony coming up anyway.
92
00:03:31,893 --> 00:03:33,755
Yes, but... okay, at
the official ceremony,
93
00:03:33,893 --> 00:03:35,892
we thought we were
already married by you.
94
00:03:36,030 --> 00:03:38,409
We didn't even fill out
the paperwork for that one.
95
00:03:38,547 --> 00:03:41,236
Didn't even... You know what
we wrote on the certificate?
96
00:03:41,374 --> 00:03:42,787
"Lois Lane marries
Humpty Dumpty."
97
00:03:42,925 --> 00:03:44,133
Funny.
98
00:03:44,271 --> 00:03:45,822
Funny not the point, really.
99
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:48,477
We're... we're not married now.
100
00:03:48,615 --> 00:03:50,132
Sorry.
101
00:03:50,270 --> 00:03:52,476
You've invalidated our
entire marriage now.
102
00:03:52,614 --> 00:03:54,614
Sorry.
103
00:03:54,751 --> 00:03:57,440
You've made our
daughter illegitimate now.
104
00:03:57,578 --> 00:03:59,613
Sorry.
105
00:04:01,095 --> 00:04:02,164
So...
106
00:04:02,302 --> 00:04:06,508
I'm the bastard
child of idiot parents.
107
00:04:06,645 --> 00:04:08,267
My therapist tells me...
108
00:04:08,404 --> 00:04:10,025
Yes, I'm in therapy...
109
00:04:10,162 --> 00:04:14,058
That in my parents'
defense, they sought help...
110
00:04:14,197 --> 00:04:16,644
a lotof help.
111
00:04:18,299 --> 00:04:20,057
Paul and Jamie...
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00:04:20,196 --> 00:04:22,643
I don't know if you've
been keeping track,
113
00:04:22,781 --> 00:04:25,608
but this is your
1,000th therapy session.
114
00:04:25,746 --> 00:04:26,746
Is that true?
115
00:04:26,815 --> 00:04:29,055
Yes, it is.
116
00:04:29,194 --> 00:04:30,055
Dear God.
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00:04:30,194 --> 00:04:32,228
Wow, 1,000th.
118
00:04:32,365 --> 00:04:34,607
Wow, so that's...
That's like, uh...
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00:04:34,745 --> 00:04:36,503
10 glorious years.
120
00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:38,502
No, no, I know, but that...
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00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:40,709
$116,000.
122
00:04:43,226 --> 00:04:44,536
Dear God. Mm-hmm.
123
00:04:44,674 --> 00:04:46,570
But I digress.
124
00:04:46,708 --> 00:04:49,018
How can we not be married?
125
00:04:49,156 --> 00:04:50,604
Yecch.
126
00:04:50,742 --> 00:04:53,293
Our entire marriage is a lie.
127
00:04:53,431 --> 00:04:54,741
It's not a lie.
128
00:04:54,879 --> 00:04:57,017
Yes, it is. For the
last seven years,
129
00:04:57,155 --> 00:04:59,499
we have not been what
we thought we were.
130
00:04:59,637 --> 00:05:02,120
Our whole universe is
based on a false foundation.
131
00:05:02,258 --> 00:05:03,429
Doesn't that bother you?
132
00:05:03,567 --> 00:05:04,705
Aw, man. What?
133
00:05:04,843 --> 00:05:06,049
I asked for onions.
134
00:05:06,188 --> 00:05:08,704
They gave me sprouts.
When I tell someone
135
00:05:08,842 --> 00:05:10,842
my husband will be
back at 6:00, it's a lie.
136
00:05:10,979 --> 00:05:11,979
I'll be back at 6:00.
137
00:05:12,014 --> 00:05:13,772
Yes, but you're not my husband.
138
00:05:15,083 --> 00:05:18,151
All right, good. So
stop yelling at me, then.
139
00:05:21,047 --> 00:05:22,047
We'll take it.
140
00:05:22,081 --> 00:05:23,116
I'm sorry?
141
00:05:23,254 --> 00:05:24,839
Your apartment.
It's listed for rent.
142
00:05:24,977 --> 00:05:26,150
It's what?
143
00:05:26,288 --> 00:05:28,598
This is our apartment,
but it's a mistake.
144
00:05:28,736 --> 00:05:30,253
Oh. So you're not leaving.
145
00:05:30,391 --> 00:05:31,942
No. You're staying.
146
00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:33,149
Uh-huh. Yes.
147
00:05:33,286 --> 00:05:34,459
Good, then.
148
00:05:34,597 --> 00:05:36,424
Yes, well, what a relief.
149
00:05:37,459 --> 00:05:38,906
Right, then.
150
00:05:39,044 --> 00:05:40,078
Come, Hal.
151
00:05:40,216 --> 00:05:41,389
Yes.
152
00:05:41,527 --> 00:05:43,595
See you in the halls.
153
00:05:45,905 --> 00:05:47,181
Nice, huh? Honey.
154
00:05:47,319 --> 00:05:49,439
All right, here's what we'll
do. Here's what we'll do.
155
00:05:49,559 --> 00:05:51,904
We'll go down to city hall,
we'll... We'll get married,
156
00:05:52,042 --> 00:05:55,145
sign our regular thing, and
bing-bang-boom, problem solved.
157
00:05:55,283 --> 00:05:56,145
When? When what?
158
00:05:56,283 --> 00:05:57,420
When are we getting married?
159
00:05:57,558 --> 00:05:59,558
Whenever you want.
Thursday afternoon.
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00:05:59,696 --> 00:06:01,626
Friday in the morning, I'm good.
161
00:06:01,764 --> 00:06:02,626
No, it has to be today.
162
00:06:02,764 --> 00:06:03,764
Why?
163
00:06:03,799 --> 00:06:05,143
Because today's our anniversary.
164
00:06:05,281 --> 00:06:06,694
I want to keep the
same anniversary.
165
00:06:06,832 --> 00:06:08,798
All right, so let's go.
166
00:06:08,936 --> 00:06:10,108
Ask me.
167
00:06:15,177 --> 00:06:17,141
All right.
168
00:06:17,279 --> 00:06:18,934
Can we go?
169
00:06:21,244 --> 00:06:22,761
Ask me to marry you.
170
00:06:22,899 --> 00:06:24,554
Oh.
171
00:06:24,691 --> 00:06:26,209
Will you marry me?
172
00:06:27,484 --> 00:06:28,795
These are the people
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00:06:28,932 --> 00:06:31,208
that prepared me to
go out into the world.
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00:06:32,863 --> 00:06:34,621
You see, Mabel,
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00:06:34,759 --> 00:06:36,345
sweetheart...
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00:06:36,483 --> 00:06:39,827
boys and girls are different.
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00:06:39,965 --> 00:06:41,275
Girls have...
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00:06:42,895 --> 00:06:44,723
um...
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00:06:44,861 --> 00:06:46,205
boys have...
180
00:06:48,102 --> 00:06:50,722
uh, boys and girls, um...
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00:06:52,204 --> 00:06:53,066
Honey.
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00:06:53,204 --> 00:06:57,031
See, Mabel, when a man...
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00:06:57,170 --> 00:06:58,479
loves a woman...
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00:06:58,617 --> 00:07:02,307
he... he can't keep his
mind on nothin' else.
185
00:07:02,444 --> 00:07:07,306
He'd trade the world for
the good thing he's found.
186
00:07:07,444 --> 00:07:09,133
If she's bad,
187
00:07:09,270 --> 00:07:11,028
he can't see it.
188
00:07:11,167 --> 00:07:12,683
She can do no wrong.
189
00:07:12,821 --> 00:07:14,270
Honey.
190
00:07:14,407 --> 00:07:17,304
Let us get back to you.
191
00:07:17,442 --> 00:07:18,958
My parents actually did
192
00:07:19,097 --> 00:07:20,993
a great deal of family planning.
193
00:07:21,131 --> 00:07:22,786
So let me get this straight.
194
00:07:22,923 --> 00:07:24,406
They cut his pee-pee?
195
00:07:24,544 --> 00:07:27,233
No, not the pee-pee, inside
the pee-pee, way inside.
196
00:07:27,371 --> 00:07:28,405
Oh, God.
197
00:07:28,543 --> 00:07:29,716
It's not that bad.
198
00:07:29,853 --> 00:07:32,336
The doctor said that within
36 hours of the vasectomy,
199
00:07:32,473 --> 00:07:34,508
he'll have total sensation
in his groin again.
200
00:07:34,646 --> 00:07:35,508
Isn't that something?
201
00:07:35,646 --> 00:07:37,783
Poor Paul's pee-pee.
202
00:07:37,921 --> 00:07:39,610
It's wayinside.
203
00:07:39,748 --> 00:07:41,162
Oh, God.
204
00:07:41,300 --> 00:07:43,231
Look, we gave
this a lot of thought,
205
00:07:43,369 --> 00:07:45,127
and I decided that
one kid is enough,
206
00:07:45,264 --> 00:07:46,264
morethan enough.
207
00:07:46,368 --> 00:07:47,402
Thank you.
208
00:07:47,540 --> 00:07:48,919
I mean, where is it written
209
00:07:49,057 --> 00:07:50,539
that every child
must have a sibling?
210
00:07:50,677 --> 00:07:52,125
Well, where would you be? What?
211
00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:54,814
I mean, if mom and dad stopped
with me, there wouldn't be you,
212
00:07:54,952 --> 00:07:57,814
and I wouldn't have had a little
sister to play with and dress up
213
00:07:57,952 --> 00:07:59,232
and magic marker the walls with,
214
00:07:59,366 --> 00:08:01,020
and no matter what happens,
215
00:08:01,159 --> 00:08:03,882
always be my friend and love me.
216
00:08:05,881 --> 00:08:08,743
You know, the
procedure is reversible.
217
00:08:10,433 --> 00:08:13,053
Mmmph.
218
00:08:13,191 --> 00:08:14,466
Hi, sweetie.
219
00:08:14,604 --> 00:08:15,604
Mmmph. Ay.
220
00:08:24,155 --> 00:08:25,568
What's the matter?
221
00:08:25,706 --> 00:08:28,188
I think we made a mistake.
222
00:08:30,326 --> 00:08:31,498
Really?
223
00:08:34,015 --> 00:08:36,738
My mother, the handful.
224
00:08:36,876 --> 00:08:40,359
We need to go halfway to the
end of Long Island to do this?
225
00:08:40,497 --> 00:08:42,531
The smaller the town,
the shorter the line.
226
00:08:42,668 --> 00:08:43,703
Next, please. See?
227
00:08:43,841 --> 00:08:47,082
Hello. Hi. How are
you? Just fine, thank you.
228
00:08:47,220 --> 00:08:48,530
Uh, we'd like to get married.
229
00:08:48,667 --> 00:08:51,460
Oh, wonderful. Come to the
right spot. Heh-heh-heh. Yes, sir.
230
00:08:51,598 --> 00:08:53,150
Hello. Hi. How are you? Hello.
231
00:08:53,288 --> 00:08:54,495
Is this the lucky lady?
232
00:08:54,633 --> 00:08:55,633
This is her.
233
00:08:55,666 --> 00:08:57,150
Aw. Wonderful, isn't it?
234
00:08:57,287 --> 00:08:59,080
Okay. Well...
235
00:08:59,218 --> 00:09:01,494
looks like you're
all set here, so...
236
00:09:01,631 --> 00:09:04,148
Oh. Well, you have
the same last name.
237
00:09:04,286 --> 00:09:06,596
Uh, yes, but they're
pronounced differently.
238
00:09:06,733 --> 00:09:08,492
Buchman and Bwuchman.
239
00:09:08,630 --> 00:09:10,423
Yeah, so it's...
It's subtle, but...
240
00:09:10,561 --> 00:09:12,121
It's there. It's
there. It is, isn't it?
241
00:09:12,250 --> 00:09:13,319
Yes, that's...
242
00:09:13,457 --> 00:09:14,905
Isn't that wonderful? Uh-huh.
243
00:09:15,043 --> 00:09:17,800
What I'm gonna need from
you now is $10 American.
244
00:09:17,938 --> 00:09:19,766
You got it. Seems
like a reasonable thing.
245
00:09:19,904 --> 00:09:23,041
Ooh. You know what? I don't
even know if I have the cash on me.
246
00:09:23,179 --> 00:09:24,179
I... Oop. Sorry.
247
00:09:24,248 --> 00:09:26,523
Uh, what would you
say... Was it 10? Yes.
248
00:09:26,661 --> 00:09:27,972
Uh, $7.52.
249
00:09:28,109 --> 00:09:29,661
How do you leave the house?
250
00:09:29,798 --> 00:09:31,626
You were supposed
to go to the bank for me.
251
00:09:31,764 --> 00:09:33,004
No, I wasn't. You said you were
252
00:09:33,109 --> 00:09:34,281
going to the bank. No. Never.
253
00:09:34,419 --> 00:09:35,591
Yes, you did. No, I didn't.
254
00:09:35,729 --> 00:09:37,649
Boy, this marriage thing
gonna be a piece of cake
255
00:09:37,763 --> 00:09:38,763
for you two, isn't it?
256
00:09:39,832 --> 00:09:42,487
Okay. Well, I'll
tell you what now.
257
00:09:42,625 --> 00:09:44,142
Why don't you just take this,
258
00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:46,451
and you're gonna go
right into the chapel here,
259
00:09:46,589 --> 00:09:49,002
and the justice of the
peace is gonna take you
260
00:09:49,141 --> 00:09:50,899
the rest of the way.
Thank you so much.
261
00:09:51,037 --> 00:09:51,899
God bless you.
262
00:09:52,037 --> 00:09:53,037
He's a nice guy, huh?
263
00:09:53,071 --> 00:09:54,243
Yes. I miss him.
264
00:09:56,209 --> 00:09:58,932
Hello. How are you?
Just fine, thank you.
265
00:09:59,070 --> 00:10:01,552
Well, this is Phyllis.
266
00:10:01,690 --> 00:10:02,897
Hello. Hello.
267
00:10:03,035 --> 00:10:04,414
She throws the rice.
268
00:10:04,552 --> 00:10:08,999
25 cents... one
throw. 40 cents... two.
269
00:10:09,138 --> 00:10:11,929
Okay. Well, why don't
we get right on with it?
270
00:10:12,068 --> 00:10:13,068
Now, here's what... Oh!
271
00:10:13,206 --> 00:10:16,068
Oh, don't you want to
walk down the aisle?
272
00:10:17,136 --> 00:10:17,997
Okay.
273
00:10:18,136 --> 00:10:19,136
Just go right back there.
274
00:10:19,239 --> 00:10:21,170
There you go. Right
there. That's good.
275
00:10:21,307 --> 00:10:23,169
Okay, and you, sir,
over here. Right here?
276
00:10:23,307 --> 00:10:24,342
That's fine. Got it.
277
00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:25,342
Hey! Heads up!
278
00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:27,755
Ho! There you go.
279
00:10:27,893 --> 00:10:29,823
Now with the
music... come forward.
280
00:10:29,961 --> 00:10:31,719
Okay.
281
00:10:35,685 --> 00:10:37,064
Okay.
282
00:10:45,545 --> 00:10:47,510
Dearly beloved...
283
00:10:47,648 --> 00:10:49,544
we're gathered
here today to marry
284
00:10:49,682 --> 00:10:51,992
this man and this woman.
285
00:10:52,130 --> 00:10:53,957
Is there anybody present
286
00:10:54,095 --> 00:10:56,405
who might object to this union?
287
00:10:57,784 --> 00:10:58,646
Phyl.
288
00:10:58,784 --> 00:11:00,852
I'm good. Good.
289
00:11:02,232 --> 00:11:04,162
Do you, Paul...
290
00:11:04,300 --> 00:11:05,300
Buchman.
291
00:11:05,404 --> 00:11:06,404
Uh-huh. Buchman.
292
00:11:06,473 --> 00:11:08,335
Oh, the Buch... You're
the... the Buchman.
293
00:11:08,472 --> 00:11:09,644
Paul Buchman.
294
00:11:09,782 --> 00:11:11,610
Take Jamie...
295
00:11:11,748 --> 00:11:13,643
Bwuchman...
296
00:11:13,781 --> 00:11:15,747
to be your lawful wedded wife,
297
00:11:15,885 --> 00:11:17,540
to have and to hold
298
00:11:17,678 --> 00:11:19,711
through sickness and in health
299
00:11:19,849 --> 00:11:21,401
till death do you part?
300
00:11:21,539 --> 00:11:23,194
Yes, I absolutely do.
301
00:11:23,332 --> 00:11:24,194
Wonderful.
302
00:11:24,332 --> 00:11:26,021
Do you, Jamie...
303
00:11:26,159 --> 00:11:27,365
Bwuchman...
304
00:11:27,503 --> 00:11:28,917
take Paul Buchman
305
00:11:29,055 --> 00:11:30,675
to be your lawful
wedded husband,
306
00:11:30,813 --> 00:11:33,295
to have and to hold,
to love and to cherish
307
00:11:33,433 --> 00:11:35,157
through sickness and in health
308
00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:37,536
till death do you part?
309
00:11:40,398 --> 00:11:42,191
Little louder.
310
00:11:44,638 --> 00:11:47,190
We're gonna need you to
speak up a little, sweetie.
311
00:11:47,328 --> 00:11:48,775
Don't fool around now.
312
00:11:48,913 --> 00:11:50,810
I don't want to get married.
313
00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:54,878
Little early on the
rice there, Phyllis.
314
00:11:56,016 --> 00:11:58,395
And so, apparently...
315
00:11:58,533 --> 00:12:01,464
the apple doesn't
fall far from the tree.
316
00:12:05,083 --> 00:12:06,428
You wanted to get married.
317
00:12:06,566 --> 00:12:08,703
I know. But then I was
standing at the altar
318
00:12:08,841 --> 00:12:09,910
and it hit me.
319
00:12:10,049 --> 00:12:11,409
What we have is
pretty good, right?
320
00:12:11,531 --> 00:12:12,806
I don't want to screw it up.
321
00:12:12,944 --> 00:12:15,806
Exactly. So all I'm saying
is let's make everything
322
00:12:15,944 --> 00:12:18,081
the way we always
thought it was anyway.
323
00:12:18,219 --> 00:12:20,943
Yes, but the way it was
was we were not married.
324
00:12:21,081 --> 00:12:24,287
Of course we were married.
It just... It wasn't labeled right.
325
00:12:24,425 --> 00:12:26,287
It's like... It's like if
you order chocolate,
326
00:12:26,424 --> 00:12:29,837
and then it comes and
you eat it and you love it,
327
00:12:29,975 --> 00:12:31,803
but then afterwards
the waiter says,
328
00:12:31,941 --> 00:12:35,216
"Sorry. My mistake. That wasn't
chocolate, that was root beer."
329
00:12:35,354 --> 00:12:37,940
Do you come back the next
time and ask for root beer?
330
00:12:38,078 --> 00:12:39,113
Yes.
331
00:12:39,250 --> 00:12:41,698
Well, it's the
opposite with this.
332
00:12:42,526 --> 00:12:43,526
Hi, I'm Ursula.
333
00:12:43,628 --> 00:12:45,663
I will not be your
waitress today.
334
00:12:45,801 --> 00:12:46,835
What? What?
335
00:12:46,972 --> 00:12:48,456
Yeah, my name is Ursula...
336
00:12:48,594 --> 00:12:50,524
Yes, we know that.
Yes, we know that.
337
00:12:50,662 --> 00:12:53,662
Okay. And I will not
be your waitress today.
338
00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:55,282
Okay.
339
00:12:55,420 --> 00:12:57,385
Usually I am, but today I'm not.
340
00:12:57,523 --> 00:12:58,803
That's why I
wanted to come over,
341
00:12:58,937 --> 00:13:00,867
to say that I'm not
your waitress today
342
00:13:01,005 --> 00:13:03,315
and that my name is Ursula
343
00:13:03,453 --> 00:13:05,315
so that you wouldn't
be confused.
344
00:13:05,453 --> 00:13:07,108
Okay. Thank you.
345
00:13:07,246 --> 00:13:09,108
Great. Can I take your order?
346
00:13:09,245 --> 00:13:10,866
But you're not our waitress.
347
00:13:11,003 --> 00:13:12,761
Okay, do you know what you want?
348
00:13:12,899 --> 00:13:15,692
Um... well...
349
00:13:15,830 --> 00:13:17,002
Ooh, guess what else?
350
00:13:17,140 --> 00:13:18,691
I'm running for
employee of the month,
351
00:13:18,829 --> 00:13:21,243
so make sure that you
vote for me, all right?
352
00:13:21,381 --> 00:13:22,691
It's an election type of thing,
353
00:13:22,829 --> 00:13:23,966
the employee of the month?
354
00:13:24,105 --> 00:13:26,794
No, no. The boss
just picks who he likes.
355
00:13:27,932 --> 00:13:29,138
Want to hear my slogan?
356
00:13:29,276 --> 00:13:30,276
Yes, please. Sure.
357
00:13:30,380 --> 00:13:32,448
♪ Ursula, Ursula She's our man ♪
358
00:13:32,586 --> 00:13:35,689
♪ If she's not employee
Of the month, nobody can ♪
359
00:13:37,895 --> 00:13:39,550
I have to go to the bathroom.
360
00:13:40,792 --> 00:13:42,894
Have you ever
heard the expression,
361
00:13:43,033 --> 00:13:45,929
"Intelligence is the ability
to change one's mind"?
362
00:13:46,067 --> 00:13:47,791
No, you have not.
363
00:13:47,928 --> 00:13:49,008
And you have not heard that
364
00:13:49,101 --> 00:13:50,755
because it's not
actually an expression.
365
00:13:50,893 --> 00:13:53,065
It's just something
my mother used to say,
366
00:13:53,203 --> 00:13:57,031
but she would say that it
was, in fact, an expression.
367
00:13:57,169 --> 00:13:58,789
But it's not.
368
00:14:03,270 --> 00:14:06,339
Paul is being really
great about this.
369
00:14:06,477 --> 00:14:08,029
I'll say. I mean,
370
00:14:08,167 --> 00:14:10,373
I probably pushed him into
the vasectomy to begin with.
371
00:14:10,511 --> 00:14:11,820
Yeah, probably.
372
00:14:11,958 --> 00:14:13,544
I think on some
level he was relieved
373
00:14:13,682 --> 00:14:15,166
when I suggested
we have it reversed.
374
00:14:15,303 --> 00:14:17,648
What do they do, they
just glue it back on and...
375
00:14:17,786 --> 00:14:19,647
Way inside.
376
00:14:19,785 --> 00:14:21,819
And now Mabel will have
a little brother or sister,
377
00:14:21,957 --> 00:14:23,785
and she'll help them
out in the schoolyard,
378
00:14:23,922 --> 00:14:26,336
and she'll give them her hand-
me-downs. This gonna be good.
379
00:14:26,473 --> 00:14:27,749
Well, I guess, for her.
380
00:14:27,887 --> 00:14:29,680
What?
381
00:14:29,817 --> 00:14:30,852
What about for you?
382
00:14:30,990 --> 00:14:32,748
Good-bye freedom,
383
00:14:32,886 --> 00:14:34,472
good-bye hips, and
good-bye career.
384
00:14:34,610 --> 00:14:36,851
You know, I actually read
that 87 percent of all mothers
385
00:14:36,989 --> 00:14:40,126
with two or more kids never
return back to the workplace.
386
00:14:40,264 --> 00:14:44,161
They just end up feeling
broken and hollow and sad.
387
00:14:44,299 --> 00:14:45,505
Hi, sweetie.
388
00:14:45,643 --> 00:14:47,401
Thank you.
389
00:14:59,089 --> 00:15:01,605
What did you say to her?
390
00:15:01,743 --> 00:15:05,088
Stop bringing her
to my vasectomies.
391
00:15:07,846 --> 00:15:09,328
Fortunately, some of us gave
392
00:15:09,466 --> 00:15:11,466
much less thought
to having children.
393
00:15:11,604 --> 00:15:14,879
Okay, Nat, now you can
bring out the first guest.
394
00:15:15,018 --> 00:15:16,845
Okay. Thank you, Mabel.
395
00:15:16,982 --> 00:15:20,464
Welcome back to the
show, ladies and gentlemen.
396
00:15:20,602 --> 00:15:23,981
My... poncho, poncho,
you're not on yet. Jigs, please.
397
00:15:24,119 --> 00:15:27,705
My first guest tonight is
a border collie collie mix.
398
00:15:27,843 --> 00:15:30,291
He's the strapping
little son of Murray
399
00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:32,360
and his charming
bride Clarabelle.
400
00:15:32,497 --> 00:15:35,186
He's 5.5 weeks old,
recently weaned.
401
00:15:35,324 --> 00:15:39,427
He enjoys sleeping, chasing
his tail, and being colorblind.
402
00:15:39,565 --> 00:15:43,530
Would you please give a
warm welcome to Crackers.
403
00:15:43,667 --> 00:15:46,013
Come on, Crackers.
Come on. There he is.
404
00:15:46,150 --> 00:15:47,322
Hello, Mr. Crackers.
405
00:15:47,460 --> 00:15:50,322
Not yet, Poncho. I told
you you're not on yet.
406
00:15:50,459 --> 00:15:51,908
Crackers.
407
00:15:52,735 --> 00:15:54,252
Okay, next guest.
408
00:15:54,390 --> 00:15:57,286
Very quick for Crackers,
but okay, there he goes.
409
00:15:57,424 --> 00:15:59,389
My next guest,
ladies and gentlemen,
410
00:15:59,527 --> 00:16:02,561
interestingly enough, also
a border collie collie mix,
411
00:16:02,699 --> 00:16:04,147
also 5.5 weeks old.
412
00:16:04,285 --> 00:16:08,147
Uh, let's see. Oh,
interesting. He's a breech birth.
413
00:16:08,285 --> 00:16:10,078
He enjoys, uh, eatin' garbage
414
00:16:10,215 --> 00:16:13,146
and then regurgitating
same said garbage.
415
00:16:13,284 --> 00:16:14,524
Strange but true.
416
00:16:14,662 --> 00:16:19,592
Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome, please... Rusty.
417
00:16:22,109 --> 00:16:24,729
We're lookin' for Rusty.
418
00:16:26,247 --> 00:16:27,247
Come on, Rusty.
419
00:16:27,384 --> 00:16:30,866
Ru... There he is.
There's the Ru...
420
00:16:35,418 --> 00:16:36,796
Wow.
421
00:16:36,934 --> 00:16:39,107
Well, we were...
We were saving that
422
00:16:39,245 --> 00:16:41,486
for our special
anniversary show.
423
00:16:42,761 --> 00:16:43,795
Hey, Paulie.
424
00:16:43,933 --> 00:16:44,795
Hey, Marvin.
425
00:16:44,933 --> 00:16:45,795
What are you doing here?
426
00:16:45,933 --> 00:16:47,002
Shouldn't you be getting
427
00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:48,620
your second vasectomy
right about now?
428
00:16:48,725 --> 00:16:50,932
Is nothing I tell you private?
429
00:16:51,071 --> 00:16:53,104
He's been following
the whole story.
430
00:16:53,242 --> 00:16:55,862
It kills me. First
she gets you to do it,
431
00:16:56,001 --> 00:16:58,104
then 2 months later,
she gets you to undo it,
432
00:16:58,241 --> 00:17:00,621
and now she's getting
you to do it again.
433
00:17:00,758 --> 00:17:03,620
To me, it's very entertaining.
434
00:17:03,758 --> 00:17:06,413
Regrettably, I've learned
that little traumatic events
435
00:17:06,551 --> 00:17:08,688
can help lead to
big traumatic events.
436
00:17:08,826 --> 00:17:10,826
Oh, look, there it is.
437
00:17:10,964 --> 00:17:12,205
A film by Mabel Buchman.
438
00:17:12,343 --> 00:17:15,342
What kind of title is
that, Stabbing Bob?
439
00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:16,342
She's angry.
440
00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:17,756
Really.
441
00:17:17,893 --> 00:17:20,174
All right, we should save two
seats together because Mabel
442
00:17:20,307 --> 00:17:22,444
really wants Paul and
Jamie to sit next to each other.
443
00:17:22,582 --> 00:17:23,720
Oy! I know.
444
00:17:23,857 --> 00:17:25,737
Do they both know the
other one's gonna be here?
445
00:17:25,857 --> 00:17:27,823
Yeah, they're gonna be mature.
446
00:17:27,961 --> 00:17:28,961
Hey, there they are.
447
00:17:29,029 --> 00:17:29,891
We're here.
448
00:17:30,029 --> 00:17:30,891
Look at you.
449
00:17:31,029 --> 00:17:32,202
Oh, look at you.
450
00:17:32,340 --> 00:17:34,304
Look at your Aunt
Deb and Aunt Joan.
451
00:17:34,442 --> 00:17:36,994
Leonardo, come
kiss your aunties.
452
00:17:37,132 --> 00:17:40,510
Shania, you sit there.
Beavis you sit in front of me.
453
00:17:40,648 --> 00:17:42,751
Oh, Gwyneth!
Give me the pacifier.
454
00:17:42,889 --> 00:17:45,544
Okey-dokey. Listen, why don't
you come sit with me, actually?
455
00:17:45,682 --> 00:17:47,061
You know what?
456
00:17:47,199 --> 00:17:49,681
We should save these two
seats for Paul and James.
457
00:17:49,819 --> 00:17:50,819
Already done.
458
00:17:50,957 --> 00:17:51,819
Oh. Oh, good.
459
00:17:51,957 --> 00:17:53,405
No harm in trying, right?
460
00:17:53,543 --> 00:17:55,576
Hey, hey, hey!
What are you eating?
461
00:17:55,714 --> 00:17:56,818
What's the matter?
462
00:17:56,956 --> 00:17:58,714
He's eating popcorn
from the 5:00 show.
463
00:17:58,852 --> 00:18:00,404
Oh, leave him alone.
464
00:18:00,542 --> 00:18:02,851
Hey. My daughter made a movie.
465
00:18:02,990 --> 00:18:03,851
Paulie.
466
00:18:03,990 --> 00:18:04,851
Oh, nice jacket.
467
00:18:04,989 --> 00:18:06,368
Yeah? Thank you.
468
00:18:06,506 --> 00:18:08,058
Hi, sweetie.
469
00:18:08,196 --> 00:18:10,747
Paulie, why don't you come
sit... Let's see... Oh, here.
470
00:18:10,885 --> 00:18:11,885
Good. Hey, Beavis.
471
00:18:12,022 --> 00:18:13,884
Hey, Uncle Paul, you
want some popcorn?
472
00:18:14,022 --> 00:18:17,021
Say, "No." I'm gonna say, "No."
473
00:18:17,159 --> 00:18:19,297
Hey there. Thank
god I'm not late.
474
00:18:19,435 --> 00:18:20,779
Not at all.
475
00:18:20,917 --> 00:18:22,779
Oh, it's the mother
of the filmmaker.
476
00:18:22,917 --> 00:18:23,779
Hiya, James.
477
00:18:23,916 --> 00:18:24,916
Hi, Jamie.
478
00:18:24,986 --> 00:18:26,193
Hey, Shania. Hello, everybody.
479
00:18:26,331 --> 00:18:27,778
Jamie, sit... sit here.
480
00:18:27,916 --> 00:18:29,985
Okey-dokey.
481
00:18:33,674 --> 00:18:34,674
Hi.
482
00:18:34,708 --> 00:18:35,949
Hi.
483
00:18:37,984 --> 00:18:39,397
How you doing?
484
00:18:39,535 --> 00:18:40,707
Good. How you doing?
485
00:18:40,845 --> 00:18:41,845
I'm good.
486
00:18:41,913 --> 00:18:43,431
Good.
487
00:18:51,912 --> 00:18:52,774
Okay.
488
00:18:52,912 --> 00:18:54,360
Here it is. Okay.
489
00:19:00,152 --> 00:19:04,220
I ask this question
objectively, in earnest,
490
00:19:04,358 --> 00:19:05,703
and without bias.
491
00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:07,702
Who do you think was responsible
492
00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:09,186
for my parents' breakup...
493
00:19:09,323 --> 00:19:11,185
The one who ran
away from the altar
494
00:19:11,323 --> 00:19:13,461
and changed her mind three
times about whether or not
495
00:19:13,598 --> 00:19:15,701
her partner should have
painful private surgery...
496
00:19:15,839 --> 00:19:17,115
or the other guy?
497
00:19:17,253 --> 00:19:18,598
What?
498
00:19:18,735 --> 00:19:21,528
I'm changing my name. It's
not Mabel anymore. It's Sonya.
499
00:19:21,666 --> 00:19:25,837
Okay. Um... May I ask why?
500
00:19:25,976 --> 00:19:27,389
'Cause Mabel's stupid.
501
00:19:27,527 --> 00:19:28,699
I see. Listen, Mabel...
502
00:19:28,837 --> 00:19:30,492
Sonya!
503
00:19:30,630 --> 00:19:31,630
Pardon me.
504
00:19:31,664 --> 00:19:33,871
Say it. Sonya.
505
00:19:34,009 --> 00:19:34,871
Say it nice.
506
00:19:35,008 --> 00:19:36,008
All right, Mabel...
507
00:19:36,077 --> 00:19:37,112
It's Sonya.
508
00:19:37,250 --> 00:19:38,353
Thank you.
509
00:19:38,490 --> 00:19:39,870
Why Sonya?
510
00:19:40,008 --> 00:19:41,076
'Cause I like it.
511
00:19:41,214 --> 00:19:42,696
Your grandmother
thought of Mabel.
512
00:19:42,834 --> 00:19:43,874
You know, it's an acronym.
513
00:19:43,938 --> 00:19:44,938
A what?
514
00:19:45,042 --> 00:19:47,179
The letters M-A-B-E-L
515
00:19:47,317 --> 00:19:50,351
stand for "Mothers
always bring extra love."
516
00:19:50,488 --> 00:19:52,592
Well, Sonya's an acronym, too.
517
00:19:52,730 --> 00:19:53,901
It is? For what?
518
00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:56,281
"Some other name, you ass."
519
00:19:56,418 --> 00:19:58,901
All right, get out. Hey, okay.
520
00:20:01,590 --> 00:20:03,630
My father had his own way
of dealing with my mother.
521
00:20:03,762 --> 00:20:07,555
He would keep certain
pieces of information to himself.
522
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:11,520
Honey?
523
00:20:11,554 --> 00:20:12,898
Hmm?
524
00:20:13,037 --> 00:20:16,933
You didn't so much get that
second vasectomy, did you?
525
00:20:17,070 --> 00:20:18,967
Wh...
526
00:20:19,105 --> 00:20:21,828
Because I am
remarkably pregnant.
527
00:20:24,207 --> 00:20:25,827
No, I did not.
528
00:20:29,379 --> 00:20:32,206
But I've done so many other
things that you did ask me to.
529
00:21:50,641 --> 00:21:51,641
Captions: M.P.
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